Charlotte's Touring Circus Adds Another Act

I ask you this as one human being to another: How can you NOT like the Charlotte Bobcats?

They are such a ridiculous team that they almost lack believability. They resemble that football team on ESPN's short lived tv show "Playmakers" that was a overtly fake group of stereotypes whose sole purpose was to expose the seedy underbelly of sports. That playmakers team that had the over-the-top drug addict, the sex-addict womanizer, the gay guy afraid to come out, the guy cheating with HGH and steroids, the guy with severe mental problems...you know, the average team you play with on your YMCA rec league team.

Well, the Bobcats are that unbelievable, but in real life. Their colors are primarily highway worker neon orange. Their mascot looks like those waving cats you find in the windows of Chinatown shops. They have Michael Jordan as a GM despite him making a complete joke of his previous franchise (the Wizards). Their team was ultimately named "the Bobcats" after a nickname owner Bob L. Johnson had. If you had told me any of these things would be possible before they were established in 2004, I would smacked you and called you a liar shortly after I was done giggling.

Where am I going with all of this? Today the Bobcats announced the signing of Lilliputian Earl Boykins. Instead of wondering why Charlotte would sign a 5 foot 5 guard who is 31 years old, hasn't played all year, and seemed disgruntled enough to opt out of his last deal with no direction in place, I simply smiled and said, "Of course the Bobcats got him." THAT'S WHY I LOVE THE BOBCATS.

You see, dear reader, the Bobcats already had this incredible string of oddball characters on their "Playmakers"-esque roster:

-Adam Morrison, a Steve Prefontaine-lookalike who is all elbows, cries in huge games (see our logo for reference), and "always eats steak and baked potatoes 2 hours and 15 minutes before a game".

-Jeff McInnis, a player who was told by the Nets during the 2006 playoffs that he was such a nutjob that they were better off without him and paid him to be inactive.

-Nazr Mohammed, a guy who not only is the butt of numerous jokes amongst my friends for his penchant for 8 rapid-fire pump fakes before each shot, but also somehow got this far in life despite having a name that is pronounced "Nazi".

-Derek Anderson, not as much a man as a god. Derek Anderson (pictured right) is known throughout the fantasy basketball community as the guy who somehow puts up insane numbers in random spot duty. It is a rare occurance, like seeing a unicorn, but it happens at least once a year. He used to do it all the time, but the achilles heel of this lord of the layup turned out to be when teeth injuries made him miss several games one season (no joke). He was never the same since, and as a result his only known weakness is his teeth.

Raymond Felton, whose profile photo proves that ODB is still alive, he just shaves now:

Shimmy shimmy yaw shimmy yam shimmy yay!

Matt Carroll, a guy whose profile photo looks like every single tennis-playing douche villain in 80s movies.

I could go on and on, discussing Mr. Eyebrows Okafor, the Stay-Puff Sean May-Mello Man, and amazingly funny former club members such as Fabio, but then we would be here all night and I know you need a good night's sleep. Just take it from me, the next time this travelling circus comes to town, I will be right up front to get my ticket and "SEE THE AMAZING 5 FOOT 5 MAN!"

Threesome Fun: Hey, Hey, Hey...It's Deeeeevin Harris!

When I think of a post title, I try my best to throw integrity out of the window and drum up site traffic. Presto!

What I am referring to in the title is the proposed three-team deal between the Nets, Mavs, and Blazers that is the talk of the rumor mill. The deal would net the...Nets...Jerry Stackhouse, Devean George, Travis Outlaw, Jarrett Jack, Channing Frye, cash and first round pick. The Mavs would get Jason Kidd, Malik Allen, and Jamaal Magliore. Not much has been said about who the Blazers would get other than Devin Harris.

My first impression as I look at the whole thing? What is in it for the Blazers? Obviously the Nets suck ass and just want to scrap their whole operation. Obviously the Mavs feel like they need to make a big move to spark themselves to the top of the pecking order in the west. Both of those teams are getting major help in those areas. -But why do the Blazers, a team that has enjoyed much success this season and appear to be gelling wonderfully, want to give away the best of their bench depth and possibly a first rounder for Harris?

Our bud Henry at True Hoop has numerous reasons for this, going in depth as to how Harris could actually be a great fit for them. He makes a convincing argument, but I have another reason altogether:

Blazers GM Kevin Pritchard likes the show Fat Albert.

I have long been under the impression that Devin Harris is actually the living embodiment of the character "Bucky" from the 80s tv show Fat Albert. See for yourself:

I even yelled it out the moment the Wizards drafted him in 2004 (marking only the second time I have yelled during an NBA draft, the other time being me screaming and falling to my knees in pain when my Magic drafted overrated collar popper and fohawk spokesmodel JJ Redick). I envision the Wizards GM Ernie Grunfeld looking at photos of Devin Harris and Josh Childress side to side and saying, "Who do I trust to help my team more...Bucky or Weird Harold? Hmmm...Whatever, let's just draft someone and ship them off for Antawn Jamison."

This brings to mind the obvious question: If Devin Harris is Bucky, Weird Harold is Josh Childress, who would be the other people in the gang? Tyronne Lue is OBVIOUSLY Mushmouth, but beyond that I'll leave it up to you folks.

Return of the Meerkat, Who Cares?

Daniel Plainview certainly doesn't, he's way too busy drilling for oil. And last time I checked, neither does anyone else, but Jameer Nelson is set to make his return for the Magic tonight against Miami.

From Brian Schmitz of the Orlando Sentinel:

Nelson has missed the past five games after straining a tendon in his right foot.

He practiced Tuesday at RDV Sportsplex and said afterward his playing status would be determined "how it feels tomorrow morning.

"That will determined whether I've given it enough rest. But we're going to try Wednesday."

Nelson said the foot has been bothering him for a while and he re-aggravated the injury Jan. 16 in Charlotte, N.C. when the Magic played against the Bobcats. He has not played since then.

Carlos Arroyo has started in Nelson's place --- and the Magic have gone 4-1 with Arroyo as the starting point guard.

Now maybe it's just me, but I can't stand Jameer Nelson. It's not personal, and it's not like he's that bad of a player, he's just not good enough. I understand he got his extension, so really he's not going anywhere anytime soon, but is this the guy that we're stuck with? Seriously? According to the Orlando Sentinel's Tim Povtak, maybe not...

The Orlando Magic missed the opportunity to grab Jason Williams at the start of his NBA career. They will have the chance to get him at the end.

Williams, 32, is the Miami Heat point guard who becomes a free agent this summer, already telling friends that he would love to finish his career in Orlando, where he has made his home since leaving the University of Florida 10 years ago.

That's what the hell I'm talking about. Freaking White Chocolate. Flashy passes, ridiculous tattoos, and THE ABILITY TO RUN AN OFFENSIVE SET WITHOUT TURNING THE BALL OVER. And really, do we ask anything else of a point guard? If Cleveland can make it to the finals without one, we could kill it with J-Will! I mean this could possibly get done; Arroyo and Dooling's deals are up, and Otis Smith has made it clear that there is no validity to the rumors that Damon Stoudamire is an option, so why not!

Seriously though the guy's a vet, and he could bring some valuable experience to the table at the point guard position, something we haven't seen since Stevie Franchise was here. He's also a pretty competent basketball player who was quite good in his prime, and has shown that he can be quite good when he needs to be.

I'm starting my campaign now, please Otis, for the love of all things holy, bring this man in. Gortat needs a mentor, and I need to know that there is a possibility that I could possibly be in a position where I may be getting drinks with freaking Jason Williams and Marcin Gortat. I mean my wedding day was pretty good, but drinking with GORTAT?!?!?! I think I could die happy.

We're Playing The Heat? Tell KG and Ray Ray To Take The Night Off

Some games you go into with the feeling that the game will be a tight, back and forth grudge match, where the best team will be decided with a shot at the buzzer.

Yeah, soooooo...this was not one of those games.

Tuesday night the Boston Celtics "played" the Miami Heat, a game that most people figured they knew the outcome of before it even began. To counteract this, Boston decided to at least make it HALFWAY interesting by telling a sick Ray Allen he had the night off and giving KG another night to recover from some strained abs. Surely Miami, with Wade, Haslem and Jason Williams, would be able to make it halfway interesting against a team featuring Brian Scalabrine and Tony Allen?

Not a chance. These days if you pitted Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Miami Heat jersey against a pile of dog shit in a Celtics Jersey, the dog excrement would kick him in the groin like that kid did in Kingergarten Cop.

The Celtics SPANKED the Heat by 30 points, even with Paul Pierce being held scoreless for much of the first half. Miami was owned by the likes of Leon Powe (25 points) , Rajon Rondo (23), Tony Allen (20), and Eddie House (20). The only guy who even seemed to make an effort on Miami was former Celtic Mark Blount, who had 20 points. I envision Blount using every opportunity between each of his game-high free throws to whisper, "Hey, so can I come back? You don't even have to pay me. Just get me the hell out of here."

I'd call this the low point in the Heat's season, but there's just SO much time left and SO much further to fall. This isn't going to be like the John Travolta E! True Hollywood Story, where the main character finds a revival in his career and things end peachy despite the dip in production. This is going to be more like the Leif Garrett Behind The Music, where the Miami Heat wind up crying to some old guy in a wheelchair, apologizing for getting in that car wreck that left him paralyzed. Who knows what the basketball equivalent of this is. My guess: Udonis Haslem found dead in his apartment with a nude Pat Riley shivering in the corner and mumbling something about, "It being the only way to get another ring."

I say next game just toss the Miami Heat dancers out there and at least give the fans something entertaining to watch.

FINALLY

The inevitable trade demand by Jason Kidd and waiving of Damon Stoudamire finally occurred yesterday. As has long been ranted by me, Kidd has watched his perennial finals team disintegrate into a mess involving numerous dropped no look passes and Vince Carter instinctively clutching his leg whenever he fucks up. Stoudamire has been playing behind Mike Conley and Kyle Lowry all year.

I personally beg the trigger happy Isiah Thomas this one thing: ignore this first piece of news, but reunite with your very first star pupil, Stoudamire.

Regardless of my man-crush on J Kidd, last season's brilliance ought to have been more widely reported and earnestly discussed. By all accounts the Nets should not have even made the playoffs, but Kidd on gimpy old-man knees willed them into not only a berth, but into the second round. Plans for the new stadium in Brooklyn have been pushed back, so although it may be hard to trade him now at his age, the team ought to just pack it in a bit and give the man what he's due.

Breaking News: Golden State To Regret This

Yes, boys and girls, Chris Webber is joining the Golden State Warriors.

The deal is for the veteran minimum, which may not sound like a high risk, but you have to remember that with NBA personalities there rarely is such a thing as a "low-risk acquisition". Keep in mind that Webber, a guy with shot knees, a diminishing shooting stroke, aged 34 years, who takes the occasional night off or three, had a huge enough ego that he had a list of requirements that a team had to fulfill before he deemed them worthy of his presence. I am not joking. They are as follows:

1) Play for a contender.

2) Play in a big market city.

3) Amongst a team of stars, still be guarenteed to play a certain amount of minutes every night (this held up his talks with the Lakers, Pistons, and Magic, who would have used him for sweat-mopping duty).

The cajones to demand such things while your knees are composed of the same substance that Han Solo was entombed in is madness. Why stop there? I say just keep demanding stuff, Chris!

4) Privelage to command team henchmen to carry out the immediate demise of anyone (fan or player) who mocks him with a timeout motion like the one he made in that NCAA championship game.

5) Once a month can take a dump in the mascot head before the person puts it on.

6) Force everyone in America to follow that clip of Tyra on her talk show yelling, "Kiss my fat ass!" with "...which Chris Webber tapped."

7) More commercials with Vlade.

On a related note, reasons number 1 through 100 why you might suspect your team is in the shitter? Your coach actually talking about Chris Webber like so:

"I'm afraid if we don't get him here [that] our team is not strong enough to be a playoff team," Nelson said. "That's my biggest fear. I think if he comes it can benefit our team, it can benefit his and my relationship, it can benefit players on this team."

Well, as much as I loved watching the Warriors with their amazing run last year, at least we can cross one contender off of the list a little earlier to focus on the others. I look forward to the future article "Golden State to America: "Yeah...so...that didn't exactly work out".

Gratuitous Turkoglu Post Number 2

Since my friend Jor so eloquently gave the Magic recap, I'll give you guys a little bit more, since I was at the game with my good friend and oft-site commenter Magic Man. The place really was bananas, and the game was highly entertaining; Hedo got an All Star chant, it was FANTASTIC! Ray Allen was ice cold from jumpstreet, which made it very surprising that he finished with 17. Rondo kept doing the same go to move, he would drive the lane, fake it up, and then try some turn around jumper, all while cementing the idea that Damon Stoudamire will soon have his job. Pierce was Pierce, pretty dominant. Quote from Magic Man,

"Looks like Pierce is nervous, he's saying Uh oh, this is a last year game. Me playing with 4 other random dudes again."

And that was exactly what it looked like. Pierce, Kendrick Perkins (trash), Ray Allen (Shuttlesworth), Rondo (Stripe), and Brian Scalabrine (Michael Rappaport). Altogether, they looked pretty bad, and with no Garnett, it was a pretty unfortunate position they were in. However, they almost found a way to win, and without the play of Hedo, chances are we wouldn't have made it out. But we did, and many Boston fans walked out with their heads down, traversing our fine city looking for a fight, because that's what they do, and not finding it, then going back to the Travelodge and waiting for their flight home so they can talk about the Patriots again. It was fairly awesome, although I've never seen more McHale jerseys in my life... Some sort of ok decent pics for you guys to peruse.

The Tip

Maurice Evans' Throwdown

THE SHOT!

The Force Is With Hedo

Wow.

ABC, actually making a correct decision for once (That show "Cavemen"...not such a good one), decided to drop the surefire blowout matchup of the Bulls vs. Suns in favor of the Magic-Celtics game on Sunday.

All I can say is this: whomever made that decision at ABC, give them a raise (or their job back if they were caught making love to their secretary).

The Celts hopped off to a large lead, then the Magic used the 3rd quarter to surge forward by 16 points, only to have the Celtics shoot to a 11-0 run and take the lead down the stretch. After the game went back and forth, Ray Allen made a three pointer to tie it with 14 seconds left...and then came this:


The best part of the video is Hubie Brown dismissing the play early with a "too late...too late". You can practically see him throwing his hands into the air, shaking his head at these cocky youngsters, and turning to see what old movie is on AMC.

Hubie obviously hasn't been following Hedo Turkoglu this season, who appears to have the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi guiding his every move. Replays on the play above showed that not only was Paul Pierce fouling Hedo on the shot, but Hedo's body wasn't even completely facing the hoop. This is just the latest in a string of game winners for Mr. Turkey, who is having an All-Star year and has sucked all of the luck out of the universe.

Whomever is friends with Hedo, drop what you are doing, IMMEDIATELY take him to Vegas, and do whatever he says. Something tells me you will come out quite all right.

A Few Things Here And There

Mums the word for now, but we're looking into some interesting opportunities being presented to the site. THF might soon be on your radio airwaves, some magazine interviews are set up, and other pooptacular events are planned to help us fulfill our dream of one day acquiring Google.

As it stands, we're about 47 billion dollars short of that goal and about as many years off, but we've got our eye on acquiring you soon, Pudelz.com!

For now, let's take a gander briefly at some news stories before we hop into our weekend stupor!

-------------------

-Next time you need a designated driver and are lost in a black abyss that normal headlights cannot penetrate, call Hornets guard Morris Peterson. He continued the time-honored trend of NBA players spending their money wisely by buying a $142,000 car that comes equipped with night vision. On a related note, Paris Hilton sex tapes will now be filmed in front of cars apparently.

-Our logo member and father of the phrase "Howeva", Steven A. Smith, now apparently has his own blog. Just when you thought you couldn't get enough of his Kobe praise on all of the 48 ESPN television and radio channels, you now can read gems like this on his blog site:

And as usual, I've got several thoughts on my mind. One would be that Kobe is the league-MVP right now, hands down. It's so obvious, it isn't even worth discussing, although I'll have to tomorrow night on NBA Shootaround.

We're tingling with excitement.

-Partner site Deadspin took a page out of our field trip book by taking a trek to MSG. Unlike us, they actually got to shoot around on the floor and didn't get heckled by belligerant Nets fans, but we still consider their trip rather successful.

-The biggest news story of the day was Shaq telling everyone he refuses to retire. Cue groans from Miami Heat fans and Pat Riley finding another Van Gundy to clean up his mess.

That should be it for now, but we'll keep you updated on anything else. Weekends are short so start enjoying this one right......NOW!

You've Got 10 More Days To Not Fuck This Up

Running and maintaining a website/blog/rant-o-rama like The Howeva Files is certainly a labor of love. Those who even glance at the site have noticed my affinity for three distinct things outside of the realm of basketball:

1. Booze
2. Las chicas
3. Las chicas who like booze

It's hard to write a coherent sentence, much less an entire post,when you're double-fisting your drinks while a naturally stacked chick is straddling you.

But that's the beauty of my journey.

My vague point is this: I like basketball. Actually, we all do. We love it. That's why we're scared shitless at the moment. For the next 10 days, there is NOTHING going on in sports besides basketball. Don't kid yourselves fanatics, 2-week long super bowl coverage, tennis, steroids in baseball talk and hockey do not count.

So why are we scared that we are no longer distracted by anything else and are totally free to soak in as much NBA as we please? The looming shadows of football and baseball allow basketball to oftentimes float just below the radar of the average fan. From afar the average fan can feel good that they have something to watch between Tuesday and Saturday. Now briefly exposed to the unadulterated bright lights of the world, the pimples and scars of a sport constantly battling an image problem are on full display. Why did TJ Ford's injury not garner as much attention as it should have? It was on the eve of a rare Thursday night NFL game, so there was much pre-game analysis to get to. Analysis of an entire basketball game is considered to be simple division when compared to the calculus-like intricacies of Derek Jeter turning a double play or Matt Hasselbeck making the right read against a cloud coverage. (By the way this is exactly why Jaws is invaluable to the NFL's fanaticism and why Bill Walton is killing the NBA's).

Since this is a sport that does not compare to the other big time ones when it comes to hometown fanaticism and analytic breakdowns by Sean Salisbury, the NBA has relied upon it's stars and their up-front personalities. Now that these personalities don't have to share the stage for the next ten days, they're totally free to fuck up and wreck the good karma they've been building up so far.

That is why David Stern and all those as invested in the NBA must do the following:

• Tie up Ron Artest to a steel girder in the bowels of Arco before he snaps again.
• Cut off the tongue of Isiah Thomas before he can put "New York Knicks" and "championship" in the same sentence again.
• Make sure Darius Miles is still rehabbing his knee at Baskin-Robbins.
• Keep Jerry Sloan away from any gay pride parades.
• Give Stephen Jackson his very own three-fingered dwarf to beat down.
• Slip Scottie Pippen a 20.
• Release the Will Ferrel's 'Semi-Pro' ASAP.
• Have Chuck Norris follow JR Smith and savagely beat him whenever Smith reaches for the car keys.
• Replace Nelly's post-game Bud with O'Douls.
• Award the Heat 10 wins for being such good sports.
• Suggest Kevin McHale go into a 2-week light-to-no coma.

I've Got A Fever, And The Only Prescription, Is More Jawai

What do you get when you cross Beatlemania with a pile of Koala droppings?

Nathan Jawai, a 21 year old Australian player who has NBA scouts using their frequent flier miles to go to the land down under in droves. Every year there is some crazy and kooky international player that takes the NBA by storm, be it Yao, Yi, Bargnani, Nowitzki, or Fettucini. This year the hype is starting to build around Jawai, a guy from Cairns, Australia.

I lived in Australia for about half a year and stayed in Cairns for a while. It is the equivalent of Miami times a bajillion, as it is a fairly built up area that happens to be surrounded by amazingly beautiful natural resources. I don't mean "Hey, we got the everglades and shit", I mean, "We have the great barrier reef, tropical rainforests, and a ton of tanned gorgeous nude people bathing in waterfalls"*

*This part might have existed only in my mind.

Despite the fact that he originally comes from an area around New Guinea, him playing in Cairns leads me to believe this Jawai guy probably is something of a surfer dude, as everyone I met in Northern Australia was either a beach bum or a rainforest guide (Those guys just sorta smelled like B.O. and always had short shorts. Hey moron, you're in the rainforest with a million bugs. How about some slacks?)

I also kept getting stung by jellyfish when I was surfing in Cairns, and was repeatedly told that it was the "good season" if I only got stung a few times. Apparently during the "bad season", there are so many jellyfish in the water that you face certain death if you go in the water. How delightful! Someone sign this guy to a multi-year deal now so we can see the NBA toss in stuff about jellyfish into their contracts!

So what makes this guy better than the rest of the international players out there? I have no idea, but it says he is 208 centimetres (they spelled it with an "re"...how adorable!) and he obviously means something if the Toronto Raptors are checking him out. The Raptors and Spurs seem to be the only teams who actually evaluate overseas talent correctly, so when they go somewhere I pay attention. I was one of the few people who actually paid attention when the Spurs drafted Tiago Splitter recently while the rest of America was talking about foos like Acie Law. Splitter was a top 10 pick option the year before, and the Spurs nabbed him on the last pick in the first round. It's like the Patriots getting a high first rounder in this upcoming NFL draft: you just have to look to the heavens and ask God to not make it so obvious who his/her/its favorite teams are.

For now, we will wait and see what happens, but whenever you finally hear the name Nathan Jawai get drafted remember where you heard his name first.

-And then give that source lots of money for the knowledge, preferably in crisp $100 bills.

The Name's Thomas...Isiah Thomas

Last night I saw Cloverfield.  As a New Yorker, I will say that it rocked my socks off and had me walking around Manhattan after the movie half expecting buildings to blow up and fall over. I'm not sure how it will play in rural areas like Montana, with people who have never even been to the city, but for anyone who has been here it's very, very much recommended. 

Okee dokey. After an intro in which I told America to see a movie about a monster attacking the city, the only thing that could be in any way more far-fetched would be a story about the New York Knicks.

Latest team news has Larry Brown accusing the team of having spies in the stands. Larry doesn't seem to go into greater detail than that, but he says that it happened during his tenure as Knicks coach. 

I may be alone here, but it's tough to imagine a busload of James Bonds sitting in the crowd (although it WOULD help explain who the hell is actually attending a Knicks game at this point). Also, what exactly would they be spying on? The TV cameras already show everything the coaches draw on their cute little clipboards, the coaches are miked, and when point guards call plays they do so in open sight of anyone in the crowd that cares to look. Adding to the confusion is the fact that the Knicks are no Patriots. Whomever they have employed as spies don't seem to be doing all that great a job.

This leads me to the conclusion that these spies were hired by Isiah Thomas in the same way roadies are hired by rock stars: to pick out hot chicks in the crowd and give them Isiah's number. There is no woman alive who could withstand the temptation of being told by someone, "See this team that is losing by 25? How would you like to meet and "get with" the mastermind behind it all?"

If you guys have a better explanation, I'd love to hear it.

All Star Voting Makes Me Want to Punch Random People

You know what really grinds my gears? For the past couple of years, the NBA All Star voting has been a joke, and it's one of those things where people don't care all that much, so it just goes on like it is, not being changed, not being noticed. Well you know what? I say screw that. But since I have more important things to do (playing Rock Band) than marching on David Stern's home, so I'm gonna blog about it.

Have any of you seen the actual vote tabulations for the All Star squads yet? Of course you haven't. Well the fans think that the Houston Rockets are the Harlem Globetrotters of the West. Which is fine, because I love antics, and those Generals always took it in the shorts, and there's something very relieving about that, it means all is right in the world. Wait what do you mean staged exhibition games?!?!

Anyway, apparently besides Yao and T-Mac, which are sanctioned votes, because they're actually doing things like scoring points and getting rebounds, fundamental type stuff you know, unlike their other counterparts who are getting votes right now, Luis Scola and Shane Battier. Don't get me wrong, these guys are not bad players. Battier is a nice player, he's a glue guy, but he gets it done. I stand by drafting him every year in Fantasy Basketball, and he doesn't disappoint. Scola has done very well for himself also, through week 11 he's 5th in Rookie rankings and is a young Antonio Banderas. However, you mean to tell me that they're better than Kevin Durant or Josh Howard? Cause according to the votes, they are. Battier finished with 3779 less votes than Shawn Marion. Freaking Shawn Marion. That my friends, is too close for comfort. Now I don't want to be racist guy, I'll leave that to LSU fan (warning, that video has retard tigers in the wild), but if Yao wasn't a Rocket (and Chinese), this wouldn't be happening.

Now this is no surprise to any of us that actually know the NBA, but those who are sort of casual fans aren't aware of the effect that Yao has brought on a national scale, and the wave of Chinese fans that are voting based on Yao has sort of been the impetus that got this whole thing going.

That's just one example though. There are guys getting votes that have played very little basketball; Gilbert Arenas is 5th among Eastern Conference guards, and T.J. Ford is 10th, while his replacement Jose Calderon (11.8 PPG, 8.4 APG) is playing absolutely lights out basketball and are nowhere to be found. The Calderon thing infuriates me because those numbers are crazy, with turning the ball over 1.5 times a game, that boys and girls, is outstanding.

I have a few solutions for this redickulousness so please follow along, it's a blues riff in B, watch me for the changes, and try to keep up. I think that we need to go to a more specific positional voting system. Right now it's just guard/forward/center, which was fine from the 50's to the late 80's but there is a resounding number of combo guys in the league and that's making it pretty hard for people to get noticed at their position, and no one is being rewarded for being "a pure point guard/shooting guard/small forward/power forward", which is a dying breed (see Jose Calderon). Right now, Paul Pierce is 4th in Eastern Conference forwards, which seems odd to me personally; in my opinion the guy's not a forward. In that situation, if you specialize the positions and separate the voting, that puts Pierce second in the votes behind LeBron, which makes considerably more sense. Following that, guys like Hedo Turkoglu and Josh Smith, who are playing out of their minds right now get bumped up, and get noticed for their game.

Other than that, it would probably be a good idea to make the stat ranking rule that the NBA uses (guys have to play 85% of games in order to be ranked) follow suit for the All Star game. This way, you don't see Arenas and T.J. Ford getting voted for, and those guys are going to get replaced by reserve selections anyway, which get chosen by the head coaches in those respective conferences in the first place. So why even go through the motions of voting for those guys? It's a win win, the fans still get to vote, and it's fairer because injuries don't come into play.

With those options out there, the NBA gets their fan friendly image, and we get to see a better represented game, so everyone's happy. What do you guys think?

The Howeva Files? What Kind Of Blog IS This?!?

Rick Carlisle is now a convert to The Howeva Files, although he's not entirely in love with the name.

The Howeva Files? What kind of blog IS this?!?!?!

Considering our shared colorful histories with Ron Artest, it's a surprise no one threw a beer. We know this ball coach is without a team right now, so we're offering him the highly coveted combo position of rec league player/coach and designated driver. He's seriously considering the offer....

Last Second Shot Theme Night!

Apparently it was "last second shot" theme night in the NBA tonight. Three of the games ended in most dramatic fashion.

The Magic beat the Pistons on a last second jumper from "that overpaid guy" Rashard Lewis, snapping a 9 game losing streak against them. Both teams have been struggling lately, losing to teams like the Bobcats and Knicks, so something had to give. Coincidentally, both of these teams are also the ones competing in the "We don't want Webbe

r, you take him" sweepstakes.

On the other side of the luck coin, Al Harrington was unable to tip in a ball as time expired, costing the game for the Warriors. This was significant as it was against the Timberwolves, a team who appears to have their heart set on being as awful as possible this season. I could have swore I saw Kevin McHale in the stands frowning after the win and thinking, "Damn, I need that first overall draft pick so I can trade it to Boston!"

And finally, in Portland Travis Outlaw made a 20 foot jumper with 1 second left to propel the infant Blazers over the Atlanta Hawks. The Blazers are surprisingly deep on their team as the points, assists, and rebound leaders were of the unheralded variety: Travis Outlaw, Steve Blake, and Channing Frye. When Greg Oden comes back, this team will be the early years of the Spurs all over again (Cue high and squeaky-voiced Avery Johnson soundbyte).

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take some last second shots of my own (grabs a Jack Daniels bottle)...

Happy MLK Day!

No, I didn't leave the "I" out of "Milk". 

It's Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. day, and we would like to remember the man who helped shape our nation in countless positive ways. More than anything, I really admire the guy for his public speaking skills. One day I plan on talking as passionately as him and hoping it gets me somewhere (probably just thrown out of the deli during my "I have been to the salami mountaintop" speech).

On a crummy note, as Chris Rock pointed out in his standup routine, for some reason MLK's name is used on the worst street in every city in the nation. I'd like to change this. I say just change it so the nicest street is "MLK Boulevard" and the worst is "Carrot Top Place". City planners, get on this.

Thanks MLK for everything and all the best to everyone affected by this wonderful figure in our nation's history.

The Joys Of Reporting On The NBA After A Weekend Of NFL Playoff Games

Let's face it, this past weekend was all about the NFL. I watched it, you watched it, and even yo momma watched it (I'd rather not go into detail about how I know this, but let's just say it involved a whistle and a ref uniform). The NBA only had one game yesterday, which involved the Nets getting slaughtered by the Suns, so even the NBA itself knew that there really wasn't much to talk about in its own league.

That leaves us with the sobering reality of today. What do you talk about when barely anything happened in the NBA? Do you lay down and give up? Do you take the day off and spend time with family? Do you defer to the NFL websites promising news and humor in one convenient package (Perhaps "The Turducken Files")?

Hell no.

You reach down and find the most exciting news story happening in the NBA at that moment and you report the SHIT out of it. There is ALWAYS something happening in the best sports league in the world and it is our job to dig it up and present it to you, our loving readers.

...with that in mind we'd like to wish Portland Trailblazer Dancer "Mary Ellen" a very happy birthday this upcoming Tuesday. Her favorite style of dance is "Lyrical Jazz", she doesn't have any pets, and her guilty pleasure is "Anything Sweet!"

Happy birthday, Mary Ellen. Enjoy your moment in the sun for now, because to be honest I am worried about you. Why? Well, on your team bio you also happened to mention that your favorite all-time Trailblazer is Sebastian Telfair. This makes me believe that you are either unfamiliar with anyone who ever played with the team or some sort of meth addict.

In my opinion, listing Mr. Telfair as a "favorite player" is one of the things the government and high school guidance counselors should flag as a warning sign of dangerous things to come.

Welcome To The Club JamesOn!

*I love how news networks rush so fast to report filth, that they stumble over simple stuff like how to spell a name!*

So apparently Jameson Curry, a Bulls rookie on the D-League team, suffers from what my buddy Andre Andreas calls, "bitch bladder." For the bitches out there that have yet to realize the uniqueness of your bladders, that means that Jameson pissed in an alley next to a Hampton Inn in Boise and got nabbed by the police for it.

What's even more awesome is that he tried to nonchalantly walk away and slip through a locked door even though it was totally obvious he was caught by a police officer. Ultimately, he was arrested for misdemeanor charges of resisting and obstructing an officer, and urinating in public. He's since made the $600 bond, allowing him to possibly participate in the NBA Development League's Showcase at Qwest Arena. The good news? The Bulls still like him more than Joakim Noah.

I Am Super Pleased With The Foundation Of This Knicks Squad, By Isiah Thomas

Before I begin, can I interest you in some popcorn?

No? You're sure? Alright, but you're really missing out.

To be honest, I'm not here to talk about popcorn. I'm here to talk about how the New York Knicks are looking absolutely friggin' incredible right now. By "incredible", I don't just mean like "1 or 2 championships-in-a-row" good...I mean like a minimum of 9 championships in a row. That good.

Bet on it. I'm serious. Drop your shit right now and go to Vegas and throw all of your money on it. I can wait.

As I've said it in almost every interview I've done recently: there is a spectacular foundation on this Knicks team and things are exactly where I would like them to be. I'm sorta being modest when I say that. Things are way beyond where I expected them to be, to the point of where the world will scarcely believe the amazing things this Knicks team can do.

I know what you're thinking: Wahhhh, this Knicks team is only 12-26. Wahhh, they should fire their coach and bring some respectability back to the big apple. Wahhh, they appear to be the worst team I've ever seen on an NBA floor, let alone in the great city of New York.

Well, sure...NOW.

I've been a bit shy to really talk about it, but my grand plan is to bring this Knicks foundation 9+ straight championships beginning at the outset of the 2021-22 season.

Sure, laugh if you'd like. The medium I consulted with about this told me you'd do as much.

While this team isn't built to win right now, just think of how this foundation I constantly speak of will flourish down the road. In the year 2021, when robots have finally have become self-aware and the NBA commissioner allows them in the league, I firmly think the best thing to combat them will be Ronaldo Balkman's deadly jump hook. No one can do that like him, so we will have an edge.

Also, after the great tsunami of 2010 hits and half of the U.S. cities are underwater, who will be shown posterizing the other guys? That's right, Quentin Richardson. He swims like a seal, that guy. The only guy who can hold a candle to him in that respect is Tim Duncan and his championship rings from this era will make him slow and disinterested.

One of our biggest advantages will come from Jamal Crawford, who breathes sorta funny when he plays. When I first saw him I noticed he takes really quick, short breaths, and it popped into my head that I had to work with this kid someday when the ozone is depleted and it feels like we're all at mile-high altitude. He's going to be running circles around the other guys, you know, when we play games in cities that are above water.

Lastely, the player I have gotten some of the harshest criticism for working with lately is Eddy Curry. His weight fluctuates and he really just kinda half-asses it out there. Any other coach would have given up on him by now. -Then again, any other coach would also not have come up with the genius scheme of telling him to pace himself for 13 to 14 years down the road, when he REALLY will be needed. I've also been feeding him buckets of fatty fried food in the hopes he will live off of his body fat when the world food supplies diminish around the year 2010 (that tsunami is going to fuck shit UP, I tell ya!)

Thus, if you think my foundation-laying sounds kinda hairbrained, go right ahead and join the so called "experts" in the media, our fanbase, and most of the members of my family. I could care less because I okayed it with the only man that really matters: MSG president James Dolan. I personally went up to his office when I began working for the Knicks 4 years ago and said: "James, I plan to institute a plan in which our team will win the league every year. It will take a little more than 17 sub-.500 seasons, but this team will be built to flourish in the post-apocolyptic environment we will live in then.

You know what he said? "Yeah, what the hell, sounds good to me. I make my money either way." Would a guy who didn't genuinely believe in my vision pledge his support in such a way for all these years? Exactly.

So feel free to join the rest of America in laughing out loud at this Knicks team, because ultimately we will be the ones having the last laugh.

-And no, I won't share any of my damn popcorn with you after the food shortage.

This Will Fix Everything!

Considering the circumstances, you can't really blame Stephon Marbury for claiming that this has been his worst season. It doesn't help either that the team has started winning since it's been reported that he might need season-ending ankle surgery.

But let's stop overreacting to New York's so far dismal season. Irregardless of the fact that if you live in Boston, New York, or LA you believe your teams have a God-given right to a championship, Knicks fans have inexplicably been brainwashed that their championship teams from 1970 and 1973 were, without question, the best teams ever assembled. I think Isiah might need to bring in ex-Knicks coach, Rick Pitino, to rant for him.

Willis Reed is not walking through that door! Bill Bradley is not walking through that door! Walt Frazier is not walking through that door! And if you expect them to walk through that door, they're going to be gray and old.

What's actually been more saddening to me is the atrocity that's being committed in Joisey. Jason Kidd's career can easily summed up as continued excellence in spite of having over-hyped and sub-par help. Because they have a new stadium on the way, the Nets have been reluctant to say goodbye to the Q scores of Kidd, Vince, and RJ, even though it might brighten the team's future.

So what have we been left with? News that the team's future rests on the laptop-filled hands of Marcus Williams! According to the Star-Ledger, The team has hired John Lucas to work Williams back into game shape as he rehabs from a broken foot. "The drills are intense," an exhausted Williams confirmed. "He didn't let up — from start to finish, everything was hard. He was just stressing working hard, getting back in shape, getting my timing back."

Wow. Apparently stressing the concept of getting into shape is groundbreaking to young Marcus.

What's even more flooring is news that both of these teams have been talking sporadically the past few months about trading each other's underachieving and overpaid garbage, namely Vince Carter and Zach Randolph. Is there any way we can donate some absinthe, peyote or something, to help give these guys a new thought?

At this point I'm willing to see if Mini Sly's got game.

Mike Bibby is Still Average

So Mike Bibby came back last night.

*crickets*

Finally there is some sense of normalcy in the NBA.

The only problem is, he played like Scott Howard instead of playing like The Wolf. He ended up with 19 points and 6 boards, which is not bad by any standards, but he turned it over 4 times with no assists. Which for a point guard is the opposite of what you're trying to do see. It doesn't work like that.

Now I'd love to place all the blame on Bibby, but Ron Ron the True Soldier came back last night too. Which is fine, because they need it, but apparently there's a chemistry issue, and they just weren't ready to play together. Bibby said,

"I didn't want the welcome to be like that. We have to get used to playing with each other again and get everybody on the same page."


Which is funny to me, because Kevin Martin (Sacramento's Lord and Savior) had a very Steve Urkelesque 39 points in his comeback, and I didn't hear any complaints about chemistry and time to get everybody on the same page and blah blah blah omg i'mgonnadie wahhhhhhhhh.

So maybe the issue isn't your team Mr. Living Canvas, maybe it's you....

Site Announcement: THF Expands With The Addition Of G.L. Rawx

< "HEAR YE! HEAR YE! IT'S SITE ANNOUNCEMENT TIME AGAIN, KIDS!"

THF is proud to announce the induction of G.L. Rawx into our regular panel of writers.

With site readership continuing to grow rapidly (thanks guys), we started to keep our eyes peeled to add another knucklehead. After regularly making us laugh out loud numerous times in the site comments section, we wound up talking with G.L. more and decided he was the perfect breed of mental defective to join our asylum.

He now even has his own fancy pants logo on the site to annoy old people and tell schizophrenic people to do bad things:

Other than that, a rather quiet day on the NBA front:

-The Magic had titanic collapse, losing to the Bobcats by 6 after leading in the 3rd quarter by 19. The Porn Moustache and his Magic crew are fast duplicating last year's "start off strong and then completely stop trying" formula from last season.

-The Knicks now have somehow won 3 in a row, beating the Nets tonight with Stephon Marbury out of the lineup. Hold the Stephone, here. It's...almost as if their winning is somehow RELATED to him being gone!...Nahhhhh.

-The Heat lost by...I'll pause for dramatic effect...30 points tonight to the...pausing again to add to the effect...the underachieving Chicago Bulls. Most NBA analysts agree that at this point it's only a matter of time before Pat Riley asphyxiates himself with a handful of his own hair gel.

Ouch

It took a little bit of time for the full story to come out yesterday, but Nene had a testicular tumor removed on Monday. No word yet if it was cancerous though.

Why on Earth did I even consider posting on this topic, especially since it'd be in bad taste to crack a joke? Because I've got nuts and I can only imagine the pain he's in right now. If saying "God damn" over and over again can help this dude out, then I'm gonna keep doing it.

In all seriousness, when I heard about this my mind also went back to remembering how Reggie Evans hit Chris Kaman in the nuts a few seasons ago. Makes me wonder if he's been pulling the same crap on Nene in practice all this time.

What A Great Way To Call It A Career!

While trying to glean more information on who will be the next Miami Dolphins head coach (my one source of non-NBA interest), I stumbled across this gem while reading the Miami Sun Sentinel:

"Heat acknowledges error in Mourning "retirement" story"

Yes, that is right. The Miami Heat posted on their website that Alonzo Mourning said, "Yes. I'm retired. This is it for me". The only problem, if you really HAD to find one, was that he never said that and was furious that the team mentioned he would be retiring on their website instead of him personally announcing the end of his career.

Imagine being in Alonzo Mourning's shoes. You play your ass off for a ton of years, sweat and bleed on the court, risk your life by rehabbing yourself from a debilitating kidney situation, play as a crucial backup on a championship team while you are 36 and falling apart...and after all of that you get "retired" by some dumbass who misprinted your words on a team website.

I would say that sucks, but that doesn't do it justice. It would be more like being a contestant on this show:



I feel for ya, Alonzo. Have fun in retirement!

Rantin' John: Tmac Is High As A Kite

Our good friend Rantin' John sent me this email today. All I can say is well done, my friend...well done. The completely high TMac, mixed with a duo of awkward camp counselors, makes this one a classic:
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Camp CHEN-AHHH-WAAAHHHHHHNDAAAAAAAAA!!




Let's go this summer. PLEEAAASSSE!

Bulls Team To Noah: We Don't Like You

I have watched the ol' "NBA basketball" with many people, and seemingly all have said of Joakim Noah, "Wow. That guy yells and pumps his fist all the time. He seems to do it whenever he farts, let alone scores. I wonder if that gets annoying after a while." To this I usually respond by taking a swig of beer, and then pumping my fist and doing a primal yell.

Apparently the Bulls agree with most people who find Joakim Noah annoying. ESPN is reporting that Noah was benched for Sunday's game with the Atlanta Hawks...BY HIS OWN TEAMMATES.

Yes, you read that right. Noah had been suspended for a game for being a jackass to Bulls assistant coach Ron Adams, but when he was to come back for the game against the Hawks his own teammates went to Bull's brass and said no dice. It seems as if Noah is typically late to meetings and generally a bit of a jerk to the people around him. The team is hoping to send a message that he isn't a drooled-over (by male sportcasters, no woman would touch him) anymore, and the sheer lust they feel for his mom will no longer force them to tolerate his antics.

This action by the Bulls team completely floors me. The NBA is a land of crazy personalities and assholes, and in the midst of that the team still said Noah just was too bad to be on the floor. On top of that, I thought the team would really take dictator-Skiles' departure as a cue to relax a bit on discipline, but it looks like they are going in the opposite direction.

This leads me to the direct reason why I agree with the Bulls' decision to bench Noah. It's not his attitude. It's not his annoying enthusiasm. It's not even that NBA draft photo of him.

The reason I just do not want to see Joakim Noah on the floor is that he looks like that ugly lunchlady you inevitably had at some point in high school/grade school growing up.

Think about it. That person always had a mole. She always had that really gross hair tied back in a haphazard hair net. Her teeth were crooked and a bit on the yellowish side. She ALWAYS needed a shave. Now we have a basketball player who is the physical embodiment of every lunchlady you wanted to forget (except one lunchlady I had, who looked EXACTLY like Bebop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles).

I figure that the less of Noah I see on the court, the less I am emblazened by flashbacks of finding hairs in my food and realizing they came from the creepy creature with the mashed potato scoop.

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Author's Note: To back up the beginning of this article, I set out to find one photo or two of Noah doing a yell and a fist pump. What I found were THOUSANDS of such photos. No wonder this guy's team told him to shut up and pass the gatorade.

Alcohol Abuse Results In Memory Loss

I wish I could find the video of it, but that little piece that appears during an NBA game where the guy says "expressed written consent of the NBA" still ends with a slow motion clip of Scott Skiles giving some quick coaching to players on the Chicago Bulls. Is the comb over back from the dead? Nope. Still fired.

Somebody oughtta fix that.

****

Which reminds me...we might have been too busy to even notice that we've made it past 100 posts. How best to celebrate?

Karaoke?

Get matching tattoos?Ride a roller coaster?Experience the vision?

None of these look all that appealing. Time to strap on our poop tubes, grab another 40 oz, and soldier on!

Say Hello To The Las Vegas Hornets!

So yeah... it still doesn't look good for strikingly handsome basketball fans in New Orleans like the lonely fella above. Yes the Hornets signed a lease extension, but the team is free to opt out if average attendance is worse than 14,735 for the last five months of this season and next season.

The average attendance this season? 11,871. Dead last in the league. VIVA LAS VEGAS!

So what's the deal? Why does no one go see this exciting, young, and talented team that includes the dynamic Chris Paul? Apparently, they just come off feeling like an away team that won't leave. Seriously. I have just a good of a chance of watching them on TV as a local does!

Another problem is the team's television contract with Cox Sports TV, which is owned by Cox Communications. The regional sports channel is unavailable to about 250,000 viewers in St. Tammany Parish, which is one of New Orleans' most affluent suburbs and is served by another cable company...Cox is also unavailable to anyone in the metro area who has satellite TV, which became increasingly popular in the New Orleans area after Katrina because Cox needed months to restore cable service to many neighborhoods...In other words, sports bars in New Orleans that have satellite TV often cannot show the local NBA team's games, home or away.

WTF? The Nets are atrocious, yet I can catch all 82 games through the YES Network?????? It also boggles the mind that it's not appealing to fans to combine the debauchery of The Big Easy with a whole different kind of debauchery in an NBA game.

Imagine, if you will, a sold-out audience that pees right where they stand! Drinks coming in plastic cups the shapes of naked women and hand grenades! A female audience that follows you into the mens room negotiating sex for beads! Homeless people directing the flow of traffic after the game towards the aquarium!

The Bucks Will Serve Your Head-Scratching Transaction Needs!

One of the things I like about the NBA is the predictability of teams.

For instance, you KNOW that at some point JJ Redick, Walter Hermann and Kyle Korver are going to wind up on the Pacers eventually because they just fit that whole "streaky-shooting white guy with no defensive skills" mold.

You also know that at some point Ron Artest and Rasheed Wallace (probably in the twilight of his career) will end up on the Knicks, because they just fit too perfectly into the Knick's age-old "we are a safe haven for thugs" mold.

I could go on and on, but this brings us to the rumors that Zach Randolph could be on his way to the Bucks. On one hand, he is a great fit in New York because he is a complete thug that could body double in the movie Young Frankenstein, but he almost makes more sense on the Bucks because they have a penchant for making that move. You know which one I am talking about. The move that makes everyone watching on the sidelines say, "Um...are you sure that this is a good idea? I, uh, I really don't know about this one."

Think about it and look at some of the moves the Bucks made over the past few years:

-The Bucks get Charlie Villanueva for T.J. Ford. NO ONE says that the move is a slam dunk, but rather "I dunno...this huge brow guy was someone that everyone said was drafted too high...and now that our point guard is finally healthy you are trading him? I hope this pans out."

-They sign Bobby Simmons from the Clippers after only a short time doing well. (golf clap)

-They draft Andrew Bogut first overall over Deron Williams, Chris Paul, Raymond Felton...hold on, let me catch my breath for a second....Andrew Bynum, David Lee, and Danny Granger. Somehow Fran Vasquez's talents elude a Bucks jersey.

-The team at one point considers Ruben Patterson a vital cog on its roster. Yep.

-They draft Yi Jianlian despite the fact that he says he doesn't want to play for the Bucks and has questionable skills (-except when posting up chairs in draft tryouts...he is the man at doing that).

It's quite amazing actually. Looking at the Bucks roster is like following a trail of tears, where you can actually pinpoint the moment where the franchise was laced with another bad move. If it weren't for Michael Redd, who I am CERTAIN is either going to ask for a trade soon or kill himself in a blaze of glory (can I suggest Michael Hutchance-style?), the franchise would be perennial cellar-dwellers.

So THAT'S why Z-Bo to the Bucks makes so much sense. He just would be another forehead smack for Bucks fans. It's only a matter of time before dog-fighter Qyntel Woods and JR Smith join the Bucks path to glory.

I can't wait!

Teams Actually Want JJ Redick? Are You Sure?

Just when you thought metrosexual news was out of style in popular media, along comes Wednesday.

First comes news that "the guy that made hairlips look sorta metro" Joaquin Phoenix is protesting for the writer's strike by going "speechless"...and spelling his name incorrectly like a moron.

-And next comes news that JJ Redick is apparently coveted by other NBA teams besides the Magic. This comes as a bit of a surprise as Redick is:

A) Completely devoid of defensive abilities

B) A cock

C) Unable to find playing time under two different head coaches despite fan interest

D) Not content with being a bench player despite not having starter skills

E) A cock

This also is coming from the mouth of Magic GM Otis Smith, so there is a sliiiiiiight chance that he is trying to up Redick's value for potential suitors. Most NBA fans and teams have completely forgotten about Redick since he wept like a little bitch when Duke got tossed from the NCAA tourney.

Still, namecalling aside, THF would like nothing more than to help J.J. by drumming up interest in his services. He has, after all, been a brilliant source of entertainment if nothing else.

Thus, we present our favorite photos of Mr. Fo-hawk himself:

The "I hope dad can get me out of this" DUI classic

The "My backwards hat says I'm street, but the collared pink shirt says no way this kid next to me will never be allowed in the country club"

The "Maybe this new team doesn't appear to take me seriously" slow realization shot.

The "Falsely perpetuating rumors of a gay Tron sequel"

The "Wait...J.I. Redick? Who the hell is that? Shitty Google image search..."

The "Cocky enough to smirk at an entire stadium, yet not quite comfortable enough with himself to wear a jersey without an undershirt" part 1 of an 1800 part series.

There are plenty more, but we'll save those for a post if he actually does get traded. Best of luck to J.J. and the team trying to dump him on the bench of another team.

Miles: Where's The Booze and Ice Cream? And I'm Ready

The last remaining member of the famed Jailblazers, Darius Miles, reminded everyone that he's still under contract when he told the Portland Tribune that he's ready to return to the team and ruin the much publicized chemistry that's been made during his absence.

It's up to (team officials) now. I can play. I can practice any day they practice. There's no pain in the knee. I'm ready to go.

It's hard to tell, but I think he feels ready.

For those female fans of mine who visit the website to (REMOVED BY JORDAN) while imagining me reading to you, you might remember Miles as the East St. Louis hoops star who failed to receive a qualifying SAT score to attend St John's and ended up playing a hoops star who fails to receive a qualifying SAT score to attend St John's in the Scarlett Johansson film, The Perfect Score. And he loves Baskin-Robbins.

Not ringing a bell? Think that maybe I'm just being too harsh on the guy and that he's only going to help this team's championship aspirations? Let me pull up a quote given to the The Oregonian in 2006 that's coincidentally tattooed on my massive biceps:

Yeah, you probably smelled liquor on me before. But it's not like I'm at practice drunk. I'm totally focused. I don't care if you come to practice and take shower, once you go to practice and start sweating, its going to come out. That doesn't mean you aren't focused or ready to practice. Like you might go out, you might get drunk, and come to the gym higher than a mother, and you sweating, you smell like liquor, and you interviewing everybody. What does that mean? You still 100 percent focused. That's just ridiculous. Ask any other team, little petty stuff like that, if you ask any other coach in the NBA if they smell liquor on a player, any coach would say, every year. Some players go out in every city they go to.

If not Miles then, I hear Pippen's available....

The White Guy Report: Who Wants Another One?

According to the Seattle Times, the Supersonics have been shopping point guard, Luke Ridnour, around to teams that might be in need of a floor general that can become a key piece "to a championship puzzle."

I had no idea that a guy who shares his time with Earl Watson can be so highly regarded. And wasn't Ridnour invited to compete for a spot on the Olympic team only to be beat out by Kirk Hinrich, who has been shooting a scorching 39% from the field this year?

So who's got the guts to show that they really think they're another white guy away from a championship? Indy is a strong choice considering their massive trade last year to score all-time whiteys Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy, but I can't see Larry Legend buying into this "Pacers are world champs" BS.

My choice is Phoenix. They don't mind mortgaging the future when it comes to trades and they still sorely need a backup to Steve Nash that's not named Marcus Banks. With two first round picks and four in the second for the upcoming draft, I have no clue what the hell Seattle can possibly ask for in return. Maybe if its for a time machine to go back and never choose Robert Swift.

THF Enjoyable Video Of The Day: Dunk Of A Lifetime

Rarely do I watch a video on Youtube and have it stick with me. Youtube, Google Video, Myspace Video...they're all so jam packed of silly junk and morons singing along to asian dance videos that about 98% of the videos on them have become completely useless.

Well, I was very happy to watch a gem one day.

I am a Lithuanian gentleman and enjoy checking out what is up with the national team from time to time. Particularly, I am eternally on the lookout for footage from the greatest basketball game I have ever seen live: the triple overtime Lithuania vs. Croatia game in the 1996 Summer Olympics (Lithuania won, used the game to go on to win the bronze medal, and subsequently became a basketball powerhouse afterwards). Toss in the fact that that team was sponsored by the Grateful Dead and had cool skulls all over their merchandise, and I was in heaven.

Anyhoo, bored and on Youtube, I happened to type in "Lithuanian basketball" to see what would pop up.

What would follow is the video that enters my mind (and will FOREVER enter my mind) whenever anyone mentions "Slam Dunk Contest". Officially THE best dunk of all time.

Paulius Parachomikas (pictured left), in an oldie but a goodie.

Enjoy:

Celtics-Pistons Eastern Conference Finals Preview: January Edition

This week, whenever any annoying NBA fans say, "When did the Celtics play the Pistons? When did Boston play Detroit? When will they face off in an Eastern Conference preview?" You can stop their nonstop questions with a loud, "OVER THE WEEKEND, YOU STUPID BITCH!"

Please consult this video for proper delivery and inflection: http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/1461.html

Yes, the Celtics and Pistons did indeed square off this past weekend, with the Celtics winning 92-85. Big Baby Davis, our surefire sign that the Celtics are practicing witchcraft, lit up the Pistons for 20 points in 22 minutes and momentarily reminded America that that LSU team existed (sorry, Tyrus Thomas...you're not exactly pulling your weight in that area).

So with the Celtics winning this past game and the Pistons winning the first, what does it mean in the grand scheme of things?

Well, that I guess it shows that it will be a fun Eastern Conference finals. At this point, those two teams are MILES ahead of any other team in the East, and unless Stan Van Gundy strips down, covers himself with baby oil, and takes the court with the Magic, there is no other real challenger (sorry, Bucks fans.)

This leads us to an interesting mindset that many NBA Eastern Conference fans will soon adopt. To have their team in the Finals this year, there simply needs to be some sort of injury to one of the big three on Boston and/or one of the big 4 on Detroit. This idea was first mentioned on Kissing Suzy Kolber, where the great minds over there were blatantly wishing for an injury to Tom Brady so their team could have a fighting chance. Well, now that same idea applies to that other Boston powerhouse. -And THIS team has Leprechauns on its side!

What makes the new-look monster Celtics hard to stomach is that, unlike the Patriots, the Celtics aren't really a team of cocky villains. This makes wishing for injuries a tough moral dilemma. Most people like Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce (albeit cocky) isn't too bad either. There is no supermodel-banging, trash-talking, posing in a Brokeback Mountain fashion (see left) Tom Brady on this team. Doc Rivers is substantially nicer than the cameraman-tossing, handshake-denying, blatantly-cheating Bill Belichick. Randy Moss would probably beat up little tykes like Rajon Rondo. They're just not evil enough yet.

As for the Pistons? Well, they've already won a title and as of now aren't taking my suggestions to make them more watchable, so they're on their own.

For now, let's all keep our heads cool and enjoy these Celtics and Pistons teams until Chris Webber formally joins them or Bill Simmons ruins them with nonstop praise.

As soon as either of those things happen, run for the hills Flip Saunders, because the nation will have Jeff Gillooly's cell phone ringing.

Finding Ways To Make The Pistons Watchable Again

First off, thanks to True Hoop for the mentioning us the other day. TH (not to be confused with THF) one of the best sites out there, ladies and gents. Check it out.
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Look at that photo above. Even Flip seems bored by his team these days.

The Detroit Pistons are doing something impressive: They're so HIDEOUSLY difficult to watch that barely anyone even realizes they have an 11 game win streak.

The Celtics, the Blazers...heck, even the boring ol' Spurs have been mentioned a ton this season as teams hot out of the gate, but you'd have to bribe someone to spend more than 5 minutes talking about the Pistons. It's not that they have boring players (Crazy Rasheed Wallace and all-emaciated team member Tayshaun Prince on the same team? That's must-see-tv). It's not that they have a boring coach (Flip Saunders a.k.a Sleepy Dwarf is the perennial loser in the playoffs that everyone is sorta hoping actually does something right). It's just that their brand of team ball and emphasis of fundamentals make them look more like a well-coached AAU team than an NBA squad that could wow audiences with dunks and theatrics.

With this in mind, I have a few suggestions for the Pistons to get their media coverage back on track:

1) Unleash the Sheed - The Pistons were never more of a subject of discussion than when Rasheed Wallace was going nuts and headbutting officials. You couldn't keep them off of Sportscenter on a given day. I say the Detroit PR people throw a few pills in Sheed's gatorade and watch him crack open another person's jaw like King Kong did to that dinosaur.

2) Decorate the masks Rip Hamilton wears - Normal Richard Hamilton? A clear plastic mask that sorta makes him look like a burn victim. Bo-ring. Richard Hamilton with a V for Vendetta mask? Instant ratings...and ridiculously overhyped ratings (You guys really thought that was a good movie? I mean really?).

3) Shoot Chris Webber at center court and turn him into glue - His knees are shot. His ability to perform at top speeds is long gone. He is no longer a promising mate (Tyra wouldn't even glance at him, even though she is chunky). It's time he joins Barbaro.

4) Go back to the ugly-ass teal and red horsie logo - Team zaniness starts at the logo (Bobcats, Hornets, Grizzlies anyone?) and I'm sorry but that red basketball just screams apathy. That last sentence is best read in a Project Runway Tim Gunn voice.

5) Move home games to the streets of Detroit - Kinda tough to be boring when you are dodging thrown bricks and "ability to loot electronics shops" is part of your rookie bio. There is also the outside chance mustard-shirt-stained Matt Millen will be seen, which is as big as celebrity sightings get.

Well...that's all I got. Detroit Pistons, heed my advice and make some changes, and maybe YOU'LL be lucky enough to be on the front page of the newspaper! -You know, until Kobe starts whining again.

No Equal Trade Value For Artest, Isiah? To The Balk-Mobile!

Ron Artest, the Knicks-iest player to NOT be on the Knicks, is coveted by that very same pants-monickered team. This we know.

In addition to this, we've already known not only that Artest wants to play in his hometown, but that he also that he enjoys pointing out repeatedly that he respects Isiah Thomas (it has to be the popcorn at this point).

Why, OH WHY can't they get a deal done and send Ron-Ron to his fate in orange and blue? It would make this already hilarious team even funnier, and at this point the Knicks are obviously targeting "headline humor level" when contacting other players.

Well, one educated guess would be that the Knicks have almost no one of any value that any other team could possibly want at this point besides David Lee, and they don't want to deal him. Even Zach Randolph, usually a monster when given the ball enough times, seems to have been engulfed by the Knick's career draining disease (affectionately called 'Dolan-itis').

So what do you offer to another team when you have little to nothing to offer?

Hint: He is the one doing "Blue Steel" in the picture above.

That's right ladies and gents.....................the Knicks are ready to deal their savior.

The Sacramento Bee, our favorite newspaper for Maloof hijinks and "We got Stan Van Gundy" gun-jumping headlines, is reporting that the Knicks are now willing to deal Renaldo Balkman in an attempt to get Artest.

-The same Balkman that everyone passed on in the draft and caused the boos to rain down from Madison Square Garden when the Knicks drafted him.

-The same Balkman that Isiah Thomas defended by saying the Suns were targeting him in the draft, only to have the Suns laugh that they had never heard of him.

-The same Balkman that everyone raised eyebrows at for a while with some decent play, only to see him return to earth and get buried on the Knicks bench this year. He is currently earning about 2-8 minutes a night (When Wilson Chandler gets more minutes a night than you, your career is not goin in the right direction).

Well, you know what the Kings' brass must be thinking: "Our Best Player For Balkman? SIGN US UP!"

Anything less would be uncivilized. Please get this deal done.

On a side note, a Balkman for Artest deal would not only cause the mass suicide of Kings fans who are clinging to that last shred of hope, but it would also result in behemoth bonuses for MSG security guards. We're also pretty sure it's in Revelations in the Bible somewhere as the seventh seal.

Rantin' John: Pippen & Mr. Submarine

Few people can provide good basketball commentary like our good friend Rantin' John, longtime friend of the THF crew.

I've often thought that if Rantin' John and Gordon Ramsey were in a room together, you would see Gordon crying hysterically as John yelled at him that "THE RISOTTO IS UNDERCOOKED!" and "THE WELLINGTON IS RAWWWW!" You just can't hold a candle to him.

Intros really do nothing though. Take it away, R.J...

-Black and Blue Jor
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A new year, same old shit.

However this has brightened my outlook in ways unimaginable:


There are a couple things I love about this. First, the laughably bad production values and line reading. Second, the wholly unsubtle gigantic phallus-shaped submarine sandwich with all its dripping lustful innuendo. "This is one 6-footer (sic. this giant fucking dick) I can't handle one on one, come on girls, let's have a party"....with the clear implication that this impromptu meeting on the b-ball court will blossom into a three-way orgy interspersed with grade-F sliced delicatessen cold cuts.

Then to follow all that up with an image of Pip and the ladies eating sandwiches on the floor mid-court.....amazing.

And I can't even put into words the end, where Scottie Pippen, easily one of the greatest players of the 90's DUNKS a submarine sandwich.

How can you top that?

Oh yeah, by including an inexplicable "payment due" card being put on a desk from a following commercial, as if to highlight all of Pippen's horribly misguided financial dealings over the years, including this wonderful commercial.

Welcome To 2008...You Feel Like Balls, Don't You?

New Year's Day, or "Hangover Day" as it is called in most circles, is upon us.

The NBA wisely does not have any games scheduled today because they know the bright lights and loud noises would anger most of America. That "sneaker-against-the-floor-squeak" sound probably drove one too many people to change the channel. I personally use the words of Hubie Brown as hangover medicine, but that's just me.

As we pop the advil bottle open, let's all do a silent nod to the fact that there actually was some basketball played last night:

-Orlando beat Chicago in overtime thanks a winning shot from the superhero known as "Turkoglu". Those people that bet Turk would look like a sure All Star this season are smarter than you or I, my friend. They also do not exist.

-Portland's 13 game winning streak was snapped against Utah, meaning they won every game in the month of December except the first and last one. No Greg Oden, ladies and gents. Scary.

-Toronto, looking good on and off these days, rallied to beat the New Orleans Hornets last night. Chris Bosh, who started off the year pretty slow, is once again terrorizing opponents. Watch out, ladies who like long necks, your heartthrob is back.

-As soon as Don Nelson got thrown out of the game, the Warriors rallied and beat the Houston Rockets. Nelson (pusher of the wine seen if you scroll to the bottom of our site) is so popular amongst his players that they said afterwards that they were inspired by his outburst. I think they were just defending the guy who was throwing the best New Year's party later.

That's about it as far as the good games go. Detroit destroyed the Bucks and other stuff happened, but you probably already left your computer to go back to bed at this point. Best of luck with your hangovers, America!

Damn, Jager...