The Howeva Files

Happy Holidays From THF!

noreply@blogger.com (The Howeva Files) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 18:46:00 +0000

Happy Holidays to you and yours from us at THF!

NBA Lookalikes = Fun

noreply@blogger.com (The Howeva Files) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 21:38:00 +0000

I have an addiction. Some could argue that I am obsessed with NBA trade rumors, sometimes liking them even more than the game itself, but that isn't it. I could have an addiction like gambling (well...I do plan on taking a look at some nba basketball betting lines over the holidays...perhaps doing some online sports book wagering too...) but nay.

My addiction is celebrity lookalikes.

Coming across this on Youtube, I couldn't help but giggle and watch it roughly 50 times. Enjoy.

Wade Is Great At Imitations

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 05:42:00 +0000

Gotta love a good Shaq imitation:

New Stuff Happened!

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 22:28:00 +0000

Hey hey hey readers,

Lots of new stuff to discuss!

First and foremost, we created a brand new site entitled "ZOMBIES CAN DUNK. COM"!
ZCD is related to all sports, not just basketball, and is more for our goofy sides regarding sports writing. It also will have live Twitter updates, reader contests, and be updated extremely often. Yippee!

The Howeva Files also got a revamp, with a new logo, new text fonts, and new sponsors. We will still be bringing you that irreverent and pointless basketball news humor that you have grown to know and love. We will also get Ron Artest drunk and writing for us sometime soon we hope.

Thus, now you poor bastards have twice the drivel to sift through. Your welcome!

Site Revamp Coming Soon!

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:45:00 +0000

Ooooooh EXCITING! A huge site revamp is coming very soon and we are very pumped about it on our end. Stay tuned!

Amare Likes Your Shirt...Now Give It To Him

noreply@blogger.com (Taylor Cunningham) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:43:00 +0000

Chicks Love The Putter

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:05:00 +0000

THF Welcomes New Sponsor: PartyBets.com

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:36:00 +0000

The Howeva Files is happy to welcome our newest sponsor, "Partybets.com".

If you, like me, could honestly not care less about a random Grizzlies-Timberwolves matchup, why not make it interesting with a bet or two? Partybets.com gives you great bets on great odds, and we are happy to welcome them to the THF family.

5 Seconds Earlier: "I'm sorry sir, we've run out of nacho cheese"

noreply@blogger.com (Taylor Cunningham) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:30:00 +0000

You Spell Genius "C-U-B-A-N"

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:22:00 +0000

Every so often, a story comes along in the NBA that actually requires little to no input from me. The story just comments on itself.

This is one of those times.

Click HERE, enjoy the read, and have fun shaking your head.

Boris Diaw Gains Some Weight

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:28:00 +0000

No that is not Boris Diaw above, but what an absolutely AMAZING photo.

Boris Diaw, owner of the "Boris Diaw Face"*, must be having some fantastic offseason.

Larry Brown spoke out today, saying, "Obviously Boris is way out of shape." Then he added, "He's running foul line to foul line right now, which is understandable." -This being in reference to Boris sitting on his butt after hurting his ankle. Obviously, while resting that ankle he was getting fitness advice from Raiders QB Jamarcus Russell.

You can just picture Larry Brown, sitting and rubbing his temples with frustration as a Bam Bam Bigelow-sized Boris Diaw sweats while tying his shoelaces. Diaw, always the consummate Frenchman, must be dipping his fries into mayo, because it wasn't like the guy was in fantastic shape anyways at the end of last season. I can only hope that this continues, because a sitcom where Larry Brown has to get Boris Diaw in shape would be ratings gold.

*The "Boris Diaw Face" is an expression derived from Boris' overly smug team profile photos. The face, without words, tells women, "Suck my ****". For this reason, the phrase can be heard being used in social circles, for example: "How into me was she? All I would have had to do was give her the Boris Diaw Face and she would have been all over me!".

For more information, please see below:

THF To Be Back In Full Force Next Week

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 10:17:00 +0000

Howdy, howdy, howdy. Above is a pic from the fjords in Norway. Yours truly is still on a whirlwind trip for business, making stops in Norway, Cannes, and London. THF will be back in full force upon my return in around a week, so stay tuned. There is a lot of excitement afoot, with a site redesign in the works, new developments, and way, way more in the way of cheerleader pics (which trumps everything else, frankly). I'll think of you all fondly as I cruise the fjords of Norway, battling vikings and trolls.

In the meantime, just a post to get that freaky Mark Cuban photo off of the site. That is the stuff of nightmares right there.

-Black and Blue Jor

Cuban Is A Gem

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 03:50:00 +0000

Mark Cuban came out today and spoke about the Shawn Marion acquisition. Whenever Mark Cuban speaks it is like an antagonistic pile of slop that is nonetheless extremely entertaining. -Something he got from Donald Trump and gave to Spencer Pratt (it's like an asshole family tree). I can't even imagine working my entire life, training day in and day out, only to have some fat pile of parted-haired poo criticize me while he gets turned down by Hooters waitresses.

Anyhoo, back to Cuban speaking out, it was mostly pretty nice this time. HOWEVA, with such a jerk you have to take a magnifying glass and identify the bits of jackass in his statement.

For instance, Cuban says,

"Just as importantly, Shawn hears and reads everything saying he struggled. He wants to prove everyone wrong, which i think is a beautiful thing."

In short, Cuban here is saying, "Just in case anyone forgets, I'm going to pay very, very special attention to the criticism people have been heaping on this guy by calling him out on it. Hopefully he will take my jerky reminding and use it as an incentive to play better." It's like a guy telling a girl, "I don't care that everyone calls you a smelly, filthy cow...I love ya."

Seriously, someone deck this guy. Hopefully it makes him say more and then I have more to write! Yay, everyone wins!

NERDS!

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 02:24:00 +0000

Dwight Howard promoted NBA Live 10 the only way he knew how: By inviting gamers to the basketball court and making them look like idiots.

This has me torn. On one hand, I do not like embarrassing people that are not athletically gifted. On the other hand, I hate gamer nerds, and would give them wedgies and stuff them all in a locker given the chance. I share this in common with Ogre from "Revenge Of The Nerds". Here is Dwight playing around with some nerdy dorkenstein:

Note: A week from today I am going to Norway for business, so I will cram as much fun into this week as possible before I am inevitably sliced in half by vikings.

Looking Back At Lil' Lebron

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 16:51:00 +0000

Nowadays everyone knows Lebron is NBA royalty, but so soon we forget the insane amounts of pressure heaped upon this guy when he entered the league. I still remember watching his first game and thinking to myself, "Whoa...this guy is having a good game. Way to respond to all the hype!" Little did I know just how good he would become. I could only imagine how insanely good this "Darko" guy drafted after him could be.

Lest we forget, here is a highlight clip of Lebron's first game in the NBA. Joe Dumars is somewhere watching this and saying, "Thank GOD I won that championship. How else would I have a job after that draft?"

The Nets Stadium's 18th Possible Design

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 19:36:00 +0000

The Nets unveiled what looks like the final design for their new "will it or won't it happen" Brooklyn stadium today. Since I have trouble with flash images and am too lazy to learn, to check it out, paste the link below into your browser:

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/09/new-design-unveiled-for-atlantic-yards-arena/?scp=1&sq=barclays%20center&st=cse

If you are like me, you think the thing looks like a giant fat beetle. After games, I can imagine this thing scurrying up Brendan Fraser's leg like it did in The Mummy.

That this stadium looks like a beetle is not to say that it is bad. I applaud this new design BECAUSE it looks so different and weird. Brooklyn, unlike Manhattan, is devoid of many iconic eye-catching buildings. It is a maze of warehouses, apartment buildings, parks, and coffee shops and it lacks that one thing that will make tourists say, "I HAVE to go to Brooklyn while I am in town to see THIS!" Right now, as a New Yorker, I can tell you the current structure filling that description is the only Target in the area. This building will at least make people want to look like the gigantic insect no doubt hiding out in David Stern's thick shell of a body (Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith should be alerted to his whereabouts).

To make matters even better, Barclays is sponsoring it. For those of you not in the know, Barclays is the enormous conglomerate that sponsors the ENTIRE LEAGUE of English soccer...er..."football". There, it is the "Barlays Premier League. That's like a company sponsoring the NFL (I like the sound of "Trojan Brand Latex National Football League).

With all of these posts about the Nets recently, they are going to be one hell of a strange team to watch in the coming years. Jay Z...don't quit your day job.

Nets Jerseys Are The Village Bicycle

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:14:00 +0000

We've already reported that the Nets will start giving out free jerseys for opposing teams this upcoming season, something that will no doubt help attendance in the short term and hurt the team's fanbase in the long term. Now, the Nets are doing their best to top that.

According to multiple sources, the Nets will start putting advertising on their practice jerseys. Unfortunately it will not be the scantily-clad ladies of GoDaddy.com, but will be some company called PNY Technologies (which is likely pronounced "Punany"). I give it, oh let's say 1 whole year before the Nets' jerseys look like this:

I, personally, will wait to purchase the "Mellow Yellow" alternate jersey.

This is just the latest in a long line of gimmicks the Nets are chucking out there to get ANYONE to watch a team that lists Devin Harris, Courtney Lee, and Brook Lopez as its biggest stars. I don't know about you, but I am SUPER excited to see what they do next. Zombie Drazen Petrovic Theme Night can't be far off (too soon?)

Somewhere Vince Carter is watching this and thanking God he got out of Jersey. -Well, watching for a short while until he spots a bird out his window and tries to chase it (the guy has A.D.D, people.)

Welcome To The Big Top: MJ Circus Shots

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 16:26:00 +0000

We got such a positive response via email to our post of some of the NBA's best circus shots that we decided to go straight to the source for a follow up: Michael Jordan.

The greatest trick of all? That he could do all of these athletic shots with those short shorts.

Thoughts:

-#2 is ridiculous because he almost goes out of his way to do a trick shot.

-Why do cameramen keep finding attractive women in sweaters after MJ makes a play?

-Greg Ostertag continues his long-standing role of "posterized big man".

Top 10 Circus Shots Of Last Season

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 04:11:00 +0000

Hey NBA: No news? No Problem!

Here are the top 10 circus shots of this past season. Enjoy.

The Nets Just Hit A New Low

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 16:52:00 +0000

Just when you thought the Nets were going to sink even lower, perhaps by putting Yinka Dare's jersey in the rafters, news comes that makes it even sadder: The Nets announced that they will offer packages next year that give out jerseys for PLAYERS ON OPPOSING TEAMS.

Yep, that's right. As if the Nets had anything but purple #24 jerseys in the stands when they played the Lakers anyway, now the folks in the purple jerseys got them from the Nets staff. As a rabid fan of my teams, and especially the jerseys and logos that represent them, this is nothing less than unconditional surrender on the part of the Nets' marketing team. They know there is nothing bringing these fans to the stadium except a cheaper way than MSG to see Lebron and Kobe. Even the Grizzlies and Bucks must look at this and shake their heads, and they're one more losing season away from "sleep with the team dancer of your choice" to sell tickets.

The best part is that the Izod center, where the Nets play, is filled with gigantic photos everywhere of Skiers wearing Izod clothes. Now you have a home basketball game, filled with visitor's jerseys, in a stadium featuring another sport entirely. Amazing!

For shame, Nets management...for shame.

Anyone Can Be An All Star

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 18:31:00 +0000

Feeling down because you'll never amount to a pile of beans? Well pick yourself the hell up, because every dog has its day! Need some evidence? Look no further than this amusing video of some of the worst players to be NBA All Stars in recent years:

Seriously, I can't imagine living in a world where Magliore is an All Star, and yet I do. We all do.

Offseason Means Videos and Cheerleaders And Sometimes Both

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 01:36:00 +0000

Offseasons are slow news-wise, especially in the NBA. In the NFL and MLB, stories like "Brett Favre still an asshole" are front page stories. The best I could do today is multiple news outlets saying "Ramon Sessions maybe not going to the Knicks. Who knows?"

This is why I prefer to fill this blank void of anti-NBA existence with silly videos and pictures of cheerleaders. Here, for your viewing pleasure, are both!

J-Will Cometh...Backeth From Retirementeth

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 03:21:00 +0000

Just got back from Key West, where I had no internet (just drinks and ladies wearing very, very little) so glancing at the very first news to grace my eyes I was entertained. The Magic signed someone whose antics I have loved for a very long time:

Yes, that's right. J-Will signed with the Magic. The Magic, as you know, play in Orlando, a town so incredibly goofy and glitzy that it could be just the thing to awaken that old player Jason was on the Kings. -NOT the schlub Hubie Brown tamed into being, you know, a "good player", but the guy who was worth paying the price of admission to just play streetball and goof off. Sure, his passes often rocketed into the stands, costing his team valuable points during 4-on-1 fast breaks, but goddamn it he was fun to watch. If the Magic do wind up using him as a 3rd string PG, he BETTER be entertaining, because he isn't worth playing much otherwise.

Welcome back from retirement J-Will. Now it's time to un-retire the bounce-off-the-elbow pass.

Olympiakos Is Pissing Me Off

noreply@blogger.com (Taylor Cunningham) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 04:07:00 +0000

It was only just last week that I thought to myself how highly effective bench players, Linas Kleiza and Von Wafer (who's crotch is being whistled at by Sasha here), were yet unsigned and likely to not cash in on as much money as they probably hoped. But of course, I had not considered that the Greek team, Olympiakos, has been lusting after NBA sixth-man talent like dorks at Comic-Con for the chance to stand next to the bike from Tron (which in retrospect is a horrible movie by the way. It's similar to how you remember Johnny Quest to be a cool show but then watch an episode now and realize it's crap).

Considering that Wafer will be making more than 600% than he made last year and will be in Greece instead of crappy NBA cities like Charlotte, Minnesota or Oklahoma City, I am overcome with envy followed by relief knowing that at least I don't have to pretend to not be staring at Josh Childress' nasty teeth.

And as for Kleiza (seen here smoking an invisible cigarette)? I'm more sad to see him go for the soul reason that he played, like Ginobili early in his NBA career, in a manner that said he had no idea that he wasn't the best player on his own team.

Where Would We Be Without Shaq?

noreply@blogger.com (Jordan Geary) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:26:00 +0000

Honestly, when the sports world enters a lull, you can always count on Shaq to liven it up. There is NOTHING happening in the world of sport today outside of baseball players pretending to act like they are badasses while they wear skin-tight pants and run approximately 4 times a game. Enter the Big Aristotle to read all of our minds and challenge the best of the aforementioned quasi-sport:

Seeing Shaq call out Beckham at the end was just icing on the cake. The guy just does not give a crap about who likes him and who doesn't. We could all learn a thing or two about life from the star of "Kazaam".