The Howeva Files

WHOA!

2010-02-22T12:03:00.001-05:00

Dwight's Passing has improved!

2010-01-29T10:00:00.002-05:00

Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic = The next John Stockton.

LT's Got A Career After Football

2010-01-12T01:15:00.003-05:00

It's obvious that Nike is behind this, but more importantly I pray to God that the Jets players do these moves after every good play this weekend!

Nice JR!

2010-01-11T13:18:00.000-05:00

Um...the ball didn't go in, man.

Happy Holidays From THF!

2009-12-24T13:46:00.003-05:00

Happy Holidays to you and yours from us at THF!

NBA Lookalikes = Fun

2009-12-18T16:38:00.006-05:00

I have an addiction. Some could argue that I am obsessed with NBA trade rumors, sometimes liking them even more than the game itself, but that isn't it. I could have an addiction like gambling (well...I do plan on taking a look at some nba basketball betting lines over the holidays...perhaps doing some online sports book wagering too...) but nay.

My addiction is celebrity lookalikes.

Coming across this on Youtube, I couldn't help but giggle and watch it roughly 50 times. Enjoy.

Wade Is Great At Imitations

2009-12-16T00:42:00.000-05:00

Gotta love a good Shaq imitation:

New Stuff Happened!

2009-12-03T17:28:00.006-05:00

Hey hey hey readers,

Lots of new stuff to discuss!

First and foremost, we created a brand new site entitled "ZOMBIES CAN DUNK. COM"!
ZCD is related to all sports, not just basketball, and is more for our goofy sides regarding sports writing. It also will have live Twitter updates, reader contests, and be updated extremely often. Yippee!

The Howeva Files also got a revamp, with a new logo, new text fonts, and new sponsors. We will still be bringing you that irreverent and pointless basketball news humor that you have grown to know and love. We will also get Ron Artest drunk and writing for us sometime soon we hope.

Thus, now you poor bastards have twice the drivel to sift through. Your welcome!

Site Revamp Coming Soon!

2009-11-11T18:45:00.002-05:00

Ooooooh EXCITING! A huge site revamp is coming very soon and we are very pumped about it on our end. Stay tuned!

Amare Likes Your Shirt...Now Give It To Him

2009-11-09T21:43:00.001-05:00

Chicks Love The Putter

2009-11-06T15:05:00.001-05:00

THF Welcomes New Sponsor: PartyBets.com

2009-11-03T15:36:00.003-05:00

The Howeva Files is happy to welcome our newest sponsor, "Partybets.com".

If you, like me, could honestly not care less about a random Grizzlies-Timberwolves matchup, why not make it interesting with a bet or two? Partybets.com gives you great bets on great odds, and we are happy to welcome them to the THF family.

5 Seconds Earlier: "I'm sorry sir, we've run out of nacho cheese"

2009-10-30T09:30:00.001-04:00

You Spell Genius "C-U-B-A-N"

2009-10-21T17:22:00.004-04:00

Every so often, a story comes along in the NBA that actually requires little to no input from me. The story just comments on itself.

This is one of those times.

Click HERE, enjoy the read, and have fun shaking your head.

Boris Diaw Gains Some Weight

2009-10-19T18:28:00.004-04:00

No that is not Boris Diaw above, but what an absolutely AMAZING photo.

Boris Diaw, owner of the "Boris Diaw Face"*, must be having some fantastic offseason.

Larry Brown spoke out today, saying, "Obviously Boris is way out of shape." Then he added, "He's running foul line to foul line right now, which is understandable." -This being in reference to Boris sitting on his butt after hurting his ankle. Obviously, while resting that ankle he was getting fitness advice from Raiders QB Jamarcus Russell.

You can just picture Larry Brown, sitting and rubbing his temples with frustration as a Bam Bam Bigelow-sized Boris Diaw sweats while tying his shoelaces. Diaw, always the consummate Frenchman, must be dipping his fries into mayo, because it wasn't like the guy was in fantastic shape anyways at the end of last season. I can only hope that this continues, because a sitcom where Larry Brown has to get Boris Diaw in shape would be ratings gold.

*The "Boris Diaw Face" is an expression derived from Boris' overly smug team profile photos. The face, without words, tells women, "Suck my ****". For this reason, the phrase can be heard being used in social circles, for example: "How into me was she? All I would have had to do was give her the Boris Diaw Face and she would have been all over me!".

For more information, please see below:

THF To Be Back In Full Force Next Week

2009-10-11T06:17:00.003-04:00

Howdy, howdy, howdy. Above is a pic from the fjords in Norway. Yours truly is still on a whirlwind trip for business, making stops in Norway, Cannes, and London. THF will be back in full force upon my return in around a week, so stay tuned. There is a lot of excitement afoot, with a site redesign in the works, new developments, and way, way more in the way of cheerleader pics (which trumps everything else, frankly). I'll think of you all fondly as I cruise the fjords of Norway, battling vikings and trolls.

In the meantime, just a post to get that freaky Mark Cuban photo off of the site. That is the stuff of nightmares right there.

-Black and Blue Jor

Cuban Is A Gem

2009-09-15T23:50:00.004-04:00

Mark Cuban came out today and spoke about the Shawn Marion acquisition. Whenever Mark Cuban speaks it is like an antagonistic pile of slop that is nonetheless extremely entertaining. -Something he got from Donald Trump and gave to Spencer Pratt (it's like an asshole family tree). I can't even imagine working my entire life, training day in and day out, only to have some fat pile of parted-haired poo criticize me while he gets turned down by Hooters waitresses.

Anyhoo, back to Cuban speaking out, it was mostly pretty nice this time. HOWEVA, with such a jerk you have to take a magnifying glass and identify the bits of jackass in his statement.

For instance, Cuban says,

"Just as importantly, Shawn hears and reads everything saying he struggled. He wants to prove everyone wrong, which i think is a beautiful thing."

In short, Cuban here is saying, "Just in case anyone forgets, I'm going to pay very, very special attention to the criticism people have been heaping on this guy by calling him out on it. Hopefully he will take my jerky reminding and use it as an incentive to play better." It's like a guy telling a girl, "I don't care that everyone calls you a smelly, filthy cow...I love ya."

Seriously, someone deck this guy. Hopefully it makes him say more and then I have more to write! Yay, everyone wins!

NERDS!

2009-09-14T22:24:00.002-04:00

Dwight Howard promoted NBA Live 10 the only way he knew how: By inviting gamers to the basketball court and making them look like idiots.

This has me torn. On one hand, I do not like embarrassing people that are not athletically gifted. On the other hand, I hate gamer nerds, and would give them wedgies and stuff them all in a locker given the chance. I share this in common with Ogre from "Revenge Of The Nerds". Here is Dwight playing around with some nerdy dorkenstein:

Note: A week from today I am going to Norway for business, so I will cram as much fun into this week as possible before I am inevitably sliced in half by vikings.

Looking Back At Lil' Lebron

2009-09-11T12:51:00.002-04:00

Nowadays everyone knows Lebron is NBA royalty, but so soon we forget the insane amounts of pressure heaped upon this guy when he entered the league. I still remember watching his first game and thinking to myself, "Whoa...this guy is having a good game. Way to respond to all the hype!" Little did I know just how good he would become. I could only imagine how insanely good this "Darko" guy drafted after him could be.

Lest we forget, here is a highlight clip of Lebron's first game in the NBA. Joe Dumars is somewhere watching this and saying, "Thank GOD I won that championship. How else would I have a job after that draft?"

The Nets Stadium's 18th Possible Design

2009-09-09T15:36:00.005-04:00

The Nets unveiled what looks like the final design for their new "will it or won't it happen" Brooklyn stadium today. Since I have trouble with flash images and am too lazy to learn, to check it out, paste the link below into your browser:

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/09/new-design-unveiled-for-atlantic-yards-arena/?scp=1&sq=barclays%20center&st=cse

If you are like me, you think the thing looks like a giant fat beetle. After games, I can imagine this thing scurrying up Brendan Fraser's leg like it did in The Mummy.

That this stadium looks like a beetle is not to say that it is bad. I applaud this new design BECAUSE it looks so different and weird. Brooklyn, unlike Manhattan, is devoid of many iconic eye-catching buildings. It is a maze of warehouses, apartment buildings, parks, and coffee shops and it lacks that one thing that will make tourists say, "I HAVE to go to Brooklyn while I am in town to see THIS!" Right now, as a New Yorker, I can tell you the current structure filling that description is the only Target in the area. This building will at least make people want to look like the gigantic insect no doubt hiding out in David Stern's thick shell of a body (Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith should be alerted to his whereabouts).

To make matters even better, Barclays is sponsoring it. For those of you not in the know, Barclays is the enormous conglomerate that sponsors the ENTIRE LEAGUE of English soccer...er..."football". There, it is the "Barlays Premier League. That's like a company sponsoring the NFL (I like the sound of "Trojan Brand Latex National Football League).

With all of these posts about the Nets recently, they are going to be one hell of a strange team to watch in the coming years. Jay Z...don't quit your day job.

Nets Jerseys Are The Village Bicycle

2009-09-08T12:14:00.003-04:00

We've already reported that the Nets will start giving out free jerseys for opposing teams this upcoming season, something that will no doubt help attendance in the short term and hurt the team's fanbase in the long term. Now, the Nets are doing their best to top that.

According to multiple sources, the Nets will start putting advertising on their practice jerseys. Unfortunately it will not be the scantily-clad ladies of GoDaddy.com, but will be some company called PNY Technologies (which is likely pronounced "Punany"). I give it, oh let's say 1 whole year before the Nets' jerseys look like this:

I, personally, will wait to purchase the "Mellow Yellow" alternate jersey.

This is just the latest in a long line of gimmicks the Nets are chucking out there to get ANYONE to watch a team that lists Devin Harris, Courtney Lee, and Brook Lopez as its biggest stars. I don't know about you, but I am SUPER excited to see what they do next. Zombie Drazen Petrovic Theme Night can't be far off (too soon?)

Somewhere Vince Carter is watching this and thanking God he got out of Jersey. -Well, watching for a short while until he spots a bird out his window and tries to chase it (the guy has A.D.D, people.)

Welcome To The Big Top: MJ Circus Shots

2009-09-03T12:26:00.002-04:00

We got such a positive response via email to our post of some of the NBA's best circus shots that we decided to go straight to the source for a follow up: Michael Jordan.

The greatest trick of all? That he could do all of these athletic shots with those short shorts.

Thoughts:

-#2 is ridiculous because he almost goes out of his way to do a trick shot.

-Why do cameramen keep finding attractive women in sweaters after MJ makes a play?

-Greg Ostertag continues his long-standing role of "posterized big man".

Top 10 Circus Shots Of Last Season

2009-09-02T00:11:00.001-04:00

Hey NBA: No news? No Problem!

Here are the top 10 circus shots of this past season. Enjoy.

The Nets Just Hit A New Low

2009-08-31T12:52:00.003-04:00

Just when you thought the Nets were going to sink even lower, perhaps by putting Yinka Dare's jersey in the rafters, news comes that makes it even sadder: The Nets announced that they will offer packages next year that give out jerseys for PLAYERS ON OPPOSING TEAMS.

Yep, that's right. As if the Nets had anything but purple #24 jerseys in the stands when they played the Lakers anyway, now the folks in the purple jerseys got them from the Nets staff. As a rabid fan of my teams, and especially the jerseys and logos that represent them, this is nothing less than unconditional surrender on the part of the Nets' marketing team. They know there is nothing bringing these fans to the stadium except a cheaper way than MSG to see Lebron and Kobe. Even the Grizzlies and Bucks must look at this and shake their heads, and they're one more losing season away from "sleep with the team dancer of your choice" to sell tickets.

The best part is that the Izod center, where the Nets play, is filled with gigantic photos everywhere of Skiers wearing Izod clothes. Now you have a home basketball game, filled with visitor's jerseys, in a stadium featuring another sport entirely. Amazing!

For shame, Nets management...for shame.

Anyone Can Be An All Star

2009-08-27T14:31:00.002-04:00

Feeling down because you'll never amount to a pile of beans? Well pick yourself the hell up, because every dog has its day! Need some evidence? Look no further than this amusing video of some of the worst players to be NBA All Stars in recent years:

Seriously, I can't imagine living in a world where Magliore is an All Star, and yet I do. We all do.

Offseason Means Videos and Cheerleaders And Sometimes Both

2009-08-25T21:36:00.002-04:00

Offseasons are slow news-wise, especially in the NBA. In the NFL and MLB, stories like "Brett Favre still an asshole" are front page stories. The best I could do today is multiple news outlets saying "Ramon Sessions maybe not going to the Knicks. Who knows?"

This is why I prefer to fill this blank void of anti-NBA existence with silly videos and pictures of cheerleaders. Here, for your viewing pleasure, are both!

J-Will Cometh...Backeth From Retirementeth

2009-08-24T23:21:00.003-04:00

Just got back from Key West, where I had no internet (just drinks and ladies wearing very, very little) so glancing at the very first news to grace my eyes I was entertained. The Magic signed someone whose antics I have loved for a very long time:

Yes, that's right. J-Will signed with the Magic. The Magic, as you know, play in Orlando, a town so incredibly goofy and glitzy that it could be just the thing to awaken that old player Jason was on the Kings. -NOT the schlub Hubie Brown tamed into being, you know, a "good player", but the guy who was worth paying the price of admission to just play streetball and goof off. Sure, his passes often rocketed into the stands, costing his team valuable points during 4-on-1 fast breaks, but goddamn it he was fun to watch. If the Magic do wind up using him as a 3rd string PG, he BETTER be entertaining, because he isn't worth playing much otherwise.

Welcome back from retirement J-Will. Now it's time to un-retire the bounce-off-the-elbow pass.

Olympiakos Is Pissing Me Off

2009-08-13T00:07:00.005-04:00

It was only just last week that I thought to myself how highly effective bench players, Linas Kleiza and Von Wafer (who's crotch is being whistled at by Sasha here), were yet unsigned and likely to not cash in on as much money as they probably hoped. But of course, I had not considered that the Greek team, Olympiakos, has been lusting after NBA sixth-man talent like dorks at Comic-Con for the chance to stand next to the bike from Tron (which in retrospect is a horrible movie by the way. It's similar to how you remember Johnny Quest to be a cool show but then watch an episode now and realize it's crap).

Considering that Wafer will be making more than 600% than he made last year and will be in Greece instead of crappy NBA cities like Charlotte, Minnesota or Oklahoma City, I am overcome with envy followed by relief knowing that at least I don't have to pretend to not be staring at Josh Childress' nasty teeth.

And as for Kleiza (seen here smoking an invisible cigarette)? I'm more sad to see him go for the soul reason that he played, like Ginobili early in his NBA career, in a manner that said he had no idea that he wasn't the best player on his own team.

Where Would We Be Without Shaq?

2009-08-12T20:26:00.003-04:00

Honestly, when the sports world enters a lull, you can always count on Shaq to liven it up. There is NOTHING happening in the world of sport today outside of baseball players pretending to act like they are badasses while they wear skin-tight pants and run approximately 4 times a game. Enter the Big Aristotle to read all of our minds and challenge the best of the aforementioned quasi-sport:

Seeing Shaq call out Beckham at the end was just icing on the cake. The guy just does not give a crap about who likes him and who doesn't. We could all learn a thing or two about life from the star of "Kazaam".

Hey

2009-08-11T23:37:00.001-04:00

No big NBA news today...so now for something completely different...

What Game To Get 2010: Checking Out NBA Live's Deets

2009-08-10T23:49:00.003-04:00

Though I am a big guy (6 foot 5, muscles composed of titanium alloy), I have a profound respect for the little things in life. For instance, I like tiny dogs more than big ones. I liked micro machines as a kid. I have a tiny heart that is 7 sizes too small, perfect for demolishing whoville citizens. I also like the song "Little L" by Jamiroquoi (but NOT enough to actually take the time to look up how his name is spelled).

So NBA Live 10, the underdog in our little "Do we get NBA Live 10 or NBA 2k10" contest this year, somewhat impressed me with a video where they show the important little things they improved this year that may go otherwise unnoticed. As they say, "It's all in the details". These same people also say, "The devil is in the details", so now you know why I kick anyone's ass that owns a "dictionary of idioms". Bastards.

Since I am getting this for a PSP, I will likely hurt my eyeball pressing it against the tiny screen to notice something as tiny as a "player-specific crossover move", but it warms my tiny, tiny, roast beast-eating heart to know it's there. More to come on this gaming battle. This is far from over.

Someone Kill This Woman

2009-08-05T18:57:00.002-04:00

One of the few joys a guy in a committed relationship can enjoy is staring wide-eyed at NBA cheerleaders. Check out this evil nazi girlfriend:

I don't know how you can live with yourself, woman.

Ugh, I Knew This Wouldn't Be Easy

2009-08-04T22:14:00.005-04:00

As quickly as I had decided to finally get NBA Live 10, I heard that NBA 2K10 (widely considered to be a vastly superior NBA gaming franchise) was finally going to be released for the PSP. The PSP, dear reader, is the retardedly backwards gaming system I frequent because I travel a lot.

Well, there ya go. Decision made. Done and done.

Then, a reader sent me this image of the NBA 2K10 cover this year:

Kobe Bryant. The same Kobe Bryant that single-handedly (okay Trevor Ariza and Gasol helped a tad) beat my Orlando Magic in the finals this past year. The same Kobe Bryant that used "I like to have extremely rough sex in which I choke girls behind my wife's back" as his DEFENSE in a court case.

To further complicate things, here is the NBA Live 10 cover:

Because this cover is so mighty, the whole thing doesn't even fit on this site. In it, Dwight Howard is saying, "This cover is so amazing, I'm going to go offscreen and make myself a sandwich."

Sheesh. Could they have made it harder? Perhaps if NBA Live 10 put Megan Fox in an Orlando Magic jersey, surfing on a surfboard and blowing away zombies, while NBA 2k10 put the faces of every ex-girlfriend I've had.

This whole thing will take some thought, and reviews from you guys will be crucial. In the meantime I will drink heavily and daydream of the aforementioned NBA Live 10 cover that I just designed.

2P Or Not 2P: That Is The Question, Mark Madsen

2009-08-03T23:57:00.004-04:00

Mark Madsen, the insanely annoying rah-rah bench player on those championship Lakers teams we all hated, is a moron. -This we know. What we didn't know until recently was that he is a high-stakes purchaser of online sites, gambling that they will become big and he will reap the benefits.

Well, that plan backfired up his poop chute today when he tried to acquire P2P.com, which had been hacked and stolen from its original owner. Had Madsen not been jumping up and down and waving a yellow towel, he probably would have noticed something wrong when he bought the rights to the site on EBAY instead of doing silly things like signing a legally-binding contract. Note to Madsen: Don't invest your life savings in an email from a little-known prince from a small country who just needs your help to make it to America and bequeath his riches on to you. Give all that money directly to me and save time.

To just add more dirt onto the grave, here is Mark Madsen dancing on loop for 4 minutes straight. Oh the humanity!

NBA Live 10 Preview

2009-07-30T22:33:00.005-04:00

Update: THF reader Rhymenocerous (I spelled that completely wrong) just informed me that 2K10 is coming out for the PSP this year. In short, that means f*** NBA Live.

-Oh poor NBA Live...you were so, so close to being purchased. This means more ridicule and fun on this site for your franchise. Woot.

--------------

Well, the unthinkable has happened: I've decided to get an NBA Live game. -Specifically, this year's upcoming edition. For you new readers, this is surprising given how many hilarious glitches I've shown on the site the past few years. The combination of Orlando Magic promotion and me not buying a video game for nearly a year (I'm due) did me in.

Here's a first look:

You can tell Vince Carter NEVER expected to be featured again in a video game commercial. There is still time before this title comes out, but unless EA sports finally answers my prayers and comes out with a game called "Run From The Altar: The Richard Jefferson Game", looks like I'm getting NBA Live this year. Reviews to follow.

Analysis: Chanandeler Bong For Okay-For

2009-07-28T20:46:00.002-04:00

Today the Bobcats and Hornets swapped big bodies, sending Emeka Okafor to Nawlins and Tyson Chandler to the neon orange "place where careers die" entitled "Charlotte". I read about it on the coolest designed team site in the league, and immediately thought what all of you thought:

"The Bobcats are not going to take this whole "we're the worst-run organization in sports thing" from the Grizzlies lying down"

The Bobcats get an oft-injured center who the Hornets pretty much tried to toss into the garbage last year, and all they had to give up was their most promising big man who would certainly garner All Star attention if he didn't have that whole "I was drafted with Dwight Howard" thing hanging over his head. -Oh, and the neon orange mark of death on his jersey.

Seriously, at what point do fans just throw their hands up and say, "Screw this shit. They're not even trying to be competitive anymore." As a Marlins fan, I've seen the team unload its stars several times, but at least they did it intelligently and have fielded competitive teams every 6 years or so (if you go by the rule of 6, the Marlins should win the World Series again this season). The Bobcats, meanwhile, have made it obvious with this move that while the team is looking for new ownership they are bound to be in a quagmire of feces talent-wise.

So, here are some grades:

Hornets: B

The Hornets acquire a worthy big man to supplement the underrated (except for Chris Paul) talent on their team. All they had to give up was a player who was only on their team for failing a physical last season with another team.

Bobcats: W-

Chandler must be holding a gun to his head as I write this, looking at the prospect of being coached by Larry Brown and playing alongside such immense talent as Boris Diaw. Tough luck, kid.

Hedo For The Win

2009-07-23T12:22:00.001-04:00

Hedo rapping and doing a silly little dance? Glorious.

Matt Barnes With The No-Look!

2009-07-21T23:52:00.003-04:00

Matt Barnes has signed a two-year deal with the comically stacked Orlando Magic. It is his 800th team in 5 years. Matt Barnes is a guy who rarely is seen off the court in interviews, so despite his decent production he is not anywhere near a household name. It's a shame he isn't interviewed more, because he seems like an interesting personality. He is super kind, but has the insane tattoos of a brawler.

Maybe the reason he isn't interviewed more is his COMPLETE INABILITY TO LOOK AT THE PERSON INTERVIEWING HIM!

Come ON, Matt. I'm sure you saw somewhere that it looked cool to look off while you got interviewed, but this is just silly. It would have been great for the cameraman and interviewer to walk away after a question and just leave Matt talking to himself and looking off.

The Sporting News: Realistic NBA Rankings Go!

2009-07-20T23:25:00.003-04:00

I love The Sporting News Magazine. It's one of the few pleasures I enjoy on the subway to work whilst a homeless guy pees on my shoes. I especially love Sean Deveney, who typically hits the nail on the head with his NBA analysis.

So, to my surprise, I was shocked to find something that was a bit off in Deveney's latest NBA article. I flicked the pee off of my shoes and examined closer. The article was about looking forward to next season, and ranking the teams from top to bottom ridiculously early.

I've attached the top 4 teams. See if there is something that looks a bit off to you:

Sporting News Early 2009-2010 NBA Rankings:

1) Lakers
2) Cavaliers
3) Wizards
4) Magic

The Wizards? Surely this had to be a misprint. I went online to SportingNews.com and checked. The online power rankings from indeed told a different story:

1) Lakers
2) Cavaliers
3) Trailblazers
4) Magic

This isn't AS batshit insane as the previous ranking, but still is solidly under the "batshit insane" monicker. The #3 spot in this article had to be some sort of fan write-in promotion. Add the fact that TheSportingNews.com spelled Sean's name wrong (Shawn...what were they THINKING?!) and you have what can only be described as "the complete and utter destruction of credibility". Feel free to disagree with me. I can only assume the homeless guy peeing on my shoes is a Wizards fan. He does sorta look like Flip Saunders.

Welcome To A Love Life With RJ, Ladies

2009-07-16T10:28:00.003-04:00

I keep hearing from people that Richard Jefferson is a jerk in nice guy clothing. There have been more than a few articles over the year saying the guy is a prima donna whiner who pisses off everyone in his locker room. RJ has mastered the art of politics though, often appearing on talk shows with an "aw shucks" demeanor. F that.

The New York Post is reporting that Spurs signee Richard Jefferson is now an officially documented jackass. Apparently he left his girlfriend at the altar, ONE HOUR before the wedding, leaving his friends and family there waiting...not to mention the poor girl.

The worst part? The guy is such an ass that the girlfriend isn't even that shocked:

The would-be bride was stunned, but "not entirely caught off-guard" by Jefferson's unsportsmanlike conduct, according to a family friend.

Wow. Now, THAT is pretty bad. The guy must kill puppies in his spare time to have no one be surprised he would do such a thing.

Here's a fun little video of fellow Nets players hating RJ. Enjoy!

Examining The Four Team Marion Dilly

2009-07-09T04:47:00.006-04:00

I love how stoned-looking Marion is in that picture.

According to ESPN, a mind-bending four-team deal is on the verge of completion. The deal would send Shawn Marion to Dallas, allow Toronto more money for Turk by pulling off a sign and trade, give the Grizzlies yet more money and cash to throw in the gutter, and give the Magic a 7 million dollar trade exception to go shopping in free agency.

So what do we think about it? Hmmm...

Mavericks: The Mavs, obviously, got the big name in the deal in Marion. With resigning J-Kidd, their lineup suddenly looks pretty damn good with Kidd, Terry, Josh Howard, Marion, Nowitzki, and Nowitzki's crazy-ass girlfriend (notice I didn't mention Dampier. -I'm trying to make a point that this team is GOOD). Frankly, as much talk as there is of Marion being a "team cancer" and having a bad attitude, his abilities lift the Mavs up exponentially. I have long wanted Marion on the Magic, and being part of this bizarre 4-way deal is as close as I'll likely ever get.

Raptors: The Raptors were wise to be part of this trade because not only did they get Antoine Wright and Devean George, but they keep their $5.9 million trade exception. Having this trade exception means that the Raptors have a valuable trading chip in free agency moves moving forward, or free up money to sign up Carlos Delfino. With them sending out Marion and bringing in Turk, it also allows them to be more European and whiter, two things the Raptors and Jazz covet more than anything.

Grizzlies: Honestly, any attempt for anyone to explain the reasons behind ANY Grizzlies moves is futile. Here, it seems that the overwhelming thing that they get is the chance to buy out Jerry Stackhouse's contract and create cap space for the future. -You know, to sign all of those free agents that can't wait to move to Memphis Tennessee and watch OJ Mayo throw up circus shots.

Magic: The Magic were apparently the last second team that hopped in and allowed this trade to work, and looking at what they get it's shocking they were not involved from the start. For, well...just letting Turk leave, they get a (reported) 7 million dollar trade exception. They can use this money to add depth to their team or go after one more big name (David Lee? Paul Milsap? Dirk Nowitzki's girlfriend?).

At the end of the day, the trade helped everyone with the possible exception being the Grizzlies. -Just the way every good trade should.

Boston Ups Its Jackass Quotient

2009-07-06T14:04:00.005-04:00

Sheed, perhaps the least likeable player in the NBA since Kobe matured, is off to the team that many can argue is the least likeable team at the moment. Yes, "Sir White Hair Spot" is off to Boston, giving them this ridiculous starting 5:

K. Garnett

R. Wallace

P. Pierce

R. Allen

R. Rondo

I'm curious when the vegas odds for favorites to win the NBA finals come out, because I will bet the house on that team. Add in Kendrick Perkins and Eddie House, who both seriously matured in extended minutes during last year's playoffs, and this team is terrifying.

Ron-Ron to the Lakers and now this? The talent in the NBA pool seems to be completely out of sorts lately. Do you even watch this upcoming season if you are a fan of a team like the Bucks? Okay, bad example. -But even good teams like the Nuggets and Mavs suddenly look like they shouldn't even try against powerhouses like the Celtics, Lakers, Cavs and (should they get another quality free agent) the Magic.

Ah, who gives a crap. It's the offseason. Let's worry about that in three months time. TIME FOR NUDE BEACH VOLLEYBALL!

Quick, Gimme Something That Rhymes With Grizzly...

2009-07-02T13:00:00.004-04:00

...because Zach Randolph is on his way to Memphis in exchange for the guy who was once engaged to Brandy! Still don't get it? Let's revisit this famous quote from Randolph when he was a co-chairman of the Jail Blazers:

I'm not a Blazer, I'm a gangsta.

Genius....

PS: I think both players would be happy with their new homes. Q was going to be on a bad team anyway, but now he can lounge on the beach and bring back the double-fisted head bump to LA. And for Z-Bo? Well, Memphis will have all the ribs that he can shove down his fat face!

Houstonians, Hold Onto Your McGriddles

2009-07-01T10:23:00.005-04:00

As Houston scrambles to figure out how they are going to survive next season without their franchise players Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming, trade rumors are swirling. One of the biggest ones thrown out there will bring Eddy Curry to Houston, the 6th fattest city in the country. If this happens, what will be the over/under that we will see the first 400 lbs. NBA center?

Dwight Howard Is Losing His Mind

2009-06-29T18:46:00.004-04:00

Many of you have already seen this, but Dwight Howard was handed a puppet by a reporter and asked if he deserved his own instead of Lebron. What followed was pure comic bliss as the puppet interviewed Howard, including asking point blank about the two free throws that cost the Magic a game in the finals and about 20 years off of my life.

Enjoy. When it comes out 10 years from now that Dwight had multiple personalities like Hershel Walker, you'll feel guilty for having laughed at this:

Live Bloggin'

2009-06-25T19:32:00.037-04:00

9:29 Report from the AP: Larry Brown is already frustrated with Gerald Henderson and is calling around looking for buyers.

9:25 Other notable 19th picks: A man named Tiny and common criminals.... We'll see you in court Teague!

9:22 Roy Williams is texting recruits: If you commit to this program I will get you drafted WAY too high.

9:13 And the 8 PPG dynamo fell this far?!?!?!?!

9:08 Jay's guest commentary: James Johnson??? A big guy who isn't physical enough to play the four and doesn't have the skill set to play the 3 at an NBA level? How can my team draft Marcus Fizer twice in my lifetime? I demand reparations.

9:08 Is it national Prince day? Why is everyone wearing purple?

9:02 Is Daye Prince's cousin with a dentist?

9:00 Jay: The Bulls should pick Blair just for retaliation against Rondo or Mullins to fill the hole that's been missing since Armstrong left....
Me: I think they could use one more forward

8:55 Wait, is Phoenix trying to get all the guys from Golden State?! Awesome!

8:50 Wait, I was just kidding! I didn't really mean that you should draft Jeff Foster Part Deux! Has anyone noticed that his highlight reel is him falling? Best "Must Improve" of the night: Finish above the rim.

8:45 Wait, you were right...Henderson is funnier. Clippers East, you've outdone yourselves once again.

8:44 PLEASE BE HANSBROUGH! I BEG OF YOU!

8:40 BEST SUIT OF THE NIGHT goes to Terrence Williams. It's Johnny Cash meets Silver Surfer. But how will LeBron enjoy playing with him (I can dream right?)

8:37 Still trying to figure out why Orlando made this trade....

8:27 Bosh, I will help you pack your bags.

8:25 I fully expect Rachel Nichols to drop dead from the cigarette breath emitting from Donnie Walsh's mouth.

8:22 FIRE ISIAH!

8:21 This marks the 10th time tonight that I've said, "Earl Clark would be a good pick at this point." I am a sports genius.

8:18 Dell Curry has that look that says, "blah...blah...do you see my wife? I mean just look at that!"

8:14 Dr. Spaceman says: Johnny Flynn's entire body stopped growing when he broke a growth plate in his ankle. Also, there's no way of knowing where the human heart is.

8:05 Surprisingly, no one looks upset to go where they're going so far. Also, this is probably the most interesting point of the night. What's this fly by night franchise going to do for their second pick?

8:00 Old man rant: If you want to "Market Yourself" why pull your hat over your face?

7:52 Not much to say right now except that I LOVE THE BOW TIE AND BEARD!

7:43 Why do I think that in the Memphis war room they're just picking names out of a hat? No matter who they get, it won't work.

7:40 Is it just me or is Griffin dressed like how I think old school brothel owners dress?

7:36 Are they seriously on the clock? Do I sense some last second hesitation? How do you feel about DeMar DeRozan?

7:33pm So I just ran out of work like a donkey eating a waffle and I'm sitting in a bar with the college of adviser of Jordan and I. Away we go....

All Spelling Bees Should Be This Way

2009-06-24T21:02:00.003-04:00

I could watch this video all day. One day all spelling errors will coincide with Hedo jumping in from out of nowhere and saying some witty comment.

It's Crappy Logo Retro Time! Crappy Logo Retro Time!

2009-06-23T18:35:00.004-04:00

When you look at a logo and say, "Okay, this thing is dated and pretty much sucks ass", and then you change it...there is obviously no logical reason to go back to the one that sucked right? 9 out of 10 3-year olds would say, "yes!" and then proudly soil themselves.

Well, the Philly 76ers just unveiled their new logo, which is actually their old logo.

This was an amazing idea to someone who does the following:

1) Plays with rare, albino white basketballs, which were long thought extinct.

2) Prefers their fonts boring and simple, just the way God intended 'em.

3) Has a major gambling problem, which only slot machine-esque red 7s can assuage.

To everyone else, this is just ugly and extremely...I'm sorry Philly fans...Clippers-esque. It smacks of a team that lacks the drive and creativity to come up with something visually exciting to get their fan base excited again. At least UPDATE the old logo. Give the ball a shadow or something. This looks like a big Mento.

This is especially infuriating to me because no one has taken my suggestion for an NBA logo:

Now I Know Where To Get All Of My Sports News

2009-06-22T19:19:00.004-04:00

In what could only be described as a stroke of genius, a site called Fantasy Sports Girl has decided that pretty much anyone can read the damn news off of a cue card, so why not just have all sports news read by pretty girls? All newscasters are doing is reading the words that some other poor schlub wrote and passing it off as their own anyways. Plus, watching the news being given this way also adds the pulse pounding excitement of whether a supermodel with the IQ of 8 will be able to correctly pronounce a name like "Gerald Wallace", which is a solid 3 syllables over their typical "Duh" statements. How can you not love this?

This particular girl employs the "stick my hand in my jeans and shimmy my hips from side to side" method that made Andersen Cooper so popular. Tell me you didn't watch her say "Nor were able to make their usual mid-April tee times." and think that as soon as they said, "Cut" she had to ask someone what they meant. Then, you know she said something like, "Why do they need tea times? They aren't in London."

See how I worked the London reference in there because I'm currently there? Sha-BAM!

Off To London!

2009-06-17T20:02:00.004-04:00

I knew that union jack tattoo across my chest would come in handy.

Black and Blue Jor here, writing for the last time in the states for a while as I am off to London for work (insert John Amaechi joke here). I'll be writing from there for a month, so in addition to fun NBA coverage I'll be sure to update you on the status of the world's meat pies and demon barbers. If I don't come back with horrendous teeth and a tendency to call people "wankers" I will be sorely disappointed.

Lakers Get Their Riot On

2009-06-17T01:06:00.003-04:00

That was the scene in L.A. as the folks ran around like they were getting chased by the Cloverfield monster. Instead, this time it was jackasses throwing bottles and trash cans through the windows of stores. If you know anyone who did such a stupid act of vandalism, I encourage you to please throw a trash can through one of their windows. -Or, just sleep with their wife/girlfriend. When they chance upon you both in bed, you can say, "Sorry bro. I couldn't find a trash can."

The 2009 NBA Playoff Awards

2009-06-15T22:02:00.005-04:00

Although my Magic fell short, it was an absolutely amazing NBA playoffs this year. There were tons and tons of surprises, which made things interesting. Who would have thought I would find the Lakers, a traditionally cocky jackass team, to be a substantially classier team than the Celtics, a traditionally...well...CLASSY team? Who would have seen the Bulls giving a good run for a while there? Who would have possibly seen Nuggets actually amounting to anything past the regular season? Let's take a look at the playoffs as a whole, and dish out some awards as we do so.

Most unstoppable award: Kobe Bryant

Sure, Lebron got all of the hype and the MVP award, but Bryant was the king of the "Oh my God how did he possibly make that shot while getting fouled by three people and getting kicked in the balls by the mascot"shot.

Biggest "where did they come from" award: Chicago Bulls

The Bulls were a team that everyone wrote off from the get-go. How could you NOT write them off when they had two of the most overhyped collegiate players in Noah and Tyrus Thomas? By the end, Vinny Del Negro looked like a superhero, instead of someone whose name translated into spanish as "Vinny Of Black".

Most irritating award: That Heineken "Just A Friend" Commercial

God Dammit. This piece of crap played during every commercial. Yes, we get it. You should let an old guy drive you and your blonde friend (with a noticable underbite) home when you drink. You should sing a song by Biz Markie. I wonder how many taxi drivers are pissed off on a daily basis by college kids singing this in the back of their car and trying to be cute.

Were they in the playoffs? award: The Atlanta Hawks

Yes. Believe it or not they were in the playoffs. They actually got to the second round (technically). I don't remember it either.

Guy you could not believe was not suspended more award: Rafer Alston

Every time they went to commercial, TNT flashed Rafer Alston touching the refs in what appeared to be an inappropriate manner. Touching their bald heads, brushing off their shoulders, and even slapping their asses for a good call (yep, it happened). Remind me to never ref a game with Skip To My Lou, lest my tender butt be violated.

Most reliable death-toll for a team: Turkoglu doing anything cocky.

With the exception of that final shot to win the game against the Sixers, every time that Hedo would hit a big shot and do something cocky the Magic would lose. It happened against the Cavs, the Celtics, and the Lakers, all in games in which the other team came back to win with barely any time left. By the Lakers series, when I saw Turk laughing at the sky after hitting a big shot, it was automatic for every Magic fan in attendance to leave early to beat the traffic.

Most annoying coverage: The overwhelming Birdman coverage

By the end of the Nuggets series with the Lakers, I was almost rooting against the underdog just to end the millions of Birdman clips and stories. What, the media couldn't write about the sheer amount of sweat on Nene?

And finally...

The THF award for most ridiculous media coverage: The Denver Nuggets

Convoluted discussion on Birdman's tattoos, The WWE feud with Vince McMahon, the epic Mark Cuban-Kenyon Martin fiasco...this was a team that somehow brought insanity everywhere they went. You can almost see David Stern sweating through every series they had, hoping they would lose before one of the players came out with an underground prostitution ring or something (I'm looking at you, Linus Kleiza). Bravo, Nuggets, bravo.

Jennings: Rubio can lick my balls

2009-06-12T22:48:00.003-04:00

Of course that was Jared Jennings from this hostel over here, but the real Brandon Jennings has said as much according to SI.com. And since I'm a little....tired....I have two words for the Oak Hill Academy alum: Jeff McInnis.

Jordan Farmar Found A Way To Look More Doofy

2009-06-11T22:48:00.002-04:00

Jordan Farmar is already pretty silly-looking, skipping as he brings the ball up the court and riding air currents on his dumbo-like ears. When I heard that some pretty playboy playmate person (say that three times fast) had Jordan Farmar on her gaming show in E3, I knew it would mean fun. What could be more fun than a doofy guy trying to sound cool in front of a playmate when talking about video games?

Answer: That same doofy guy spastically stretching his arms and legs in a strange-looking game simulation.

Wow, remind me to never play that game.

Captain America To The Rescue!

2009-06-11T22:47:00.003-04:00

Sooooooooo there's a place in Dublin called Captain America's that's got tons of murals like this up and it's the place for high schoolers to go and get tipsy while people like me sing karaoke "Caribbean Queen" to them but stop mid-sentence because they switch the TVs to the NBA Finals....and I'm drunk enough to say that this game is fixed on the mic.....first thought: Tiger Woods' wife is the luckiest chick in the world....second thought: Canadian detectives look like band members of Incubus....third thought: this doesn't look good...night night ya'll blondie on my neck....

Aloha From Dublin Pt. 2

2009-06-10T20:40:00.005-04:00

So here I am with my stewardess from my flight and my boy, Jason in Dublin! Somewhere to the left the remainder of the first half is playing and we're demanding that Michael Pietrus shoot the open threes simply to impress the chick out of frame with the big tits. I'm just happy to learn that it's 2-1 at this point and that I'll be back in the states for the final game. And as my boy Ronnie told me, "Yo, my bookie told me that this is going 7 games since Stern wants a long series...."

PS I just read that Tim Donaghy had his knee damaged by his roommie with "a paint rolling stick" back in November. Obviously the guy's a loser if he's getting his ass kicked by a paint brush. Reminds me of my neighbor in my freshman year who had his anal virginity stolen from him by his roommie who was tripping and thought that he was the second coming of Picasso and his roommie's bum hole was his canvas....night night ya'll

THF Welcomes New Sponsor: SportsBetting3.Com!

2009-06-10T15:30:00.004-04:00

The Howeva Files is extremely proud to welcome sponsor SportsBetting3.Com!

Let me just say that there are few things better in this life than betting on sports. Evidence? Almost every single time I view Dwight Howard doing something good (which is a lot since I'm a Magic fan and watch all of their games), I will find the first person I know and proudly tell them the following:

"I won $40 in a bet when I said that the Magic would pick Dwight Howard over Emeka Okafor in the 2004 NBA Draft."

Obviously, this is completely useless information, especially for anyone who isn't me or my fatter wallet. -Still, the pride and glory that came to me on that faithful day will live on in memory forever, primarily because of the cash I ripped out of the feeble hands of the old man I bet with. Emeka Okafor? C'mon now.

If you'd like the same feeling of honor, joy, and merriment please visit SportsBetting3.Com. You're sure to have a good time.

Not Just ANYONE Can Do NBA Interviews, People!

2009-06-09T21:26:00.003-04:00

I am not certain what "YoungHollywood.com" is, but if these interviews are any indication then they will be fodder for many, many foolish youtube videos in the future. The ingredients are all there:

-Young valley girl talking about basketball? Check

-Asking NBA players who they like in a best of 7 series, when the Lakers are already up 2-0 and looking dominant? Check

-Asking hard hitting questions like this gem to Blake Griffin, "How do you, you know, feel about being drafted?" Check.

And my personal favorite: Picking the absolute weirdest photos of the NBA players they are interviewing, basically destroying any credibility coming from their mouths? Check, Check, CHECK!

Seriously, that photo of Ron Artest should be shown during every interview he does from now on. It says in a subtle way, "Although I sound coherent, remember that I still am crazy and weird enough to rap with my cell phone clipped securely to my belt, lest it get lost."

Yay! Another Franchise Kick In The Groin!

2009-06-08T19:52:00.003-04:00

Anubis Taylor is on a plane to Ireland, making love to women with red hair and staring at the green, green, green, green rolling hills (seriously, do you hear anything ELSE about Ireland from people that have gone other than the damn rolling green hills? How about the sky? C'mon people!) This leaves little ol' me, at least until I go to London for a month for business starting in mid-June.

So, what was your soon-to-be Euro-trash duo talking about today? Probably how the new Nick Anderson on the Magic is rookie Courtney Lee, chucking up a brick layup when it would have won the game.

Seriously, this is almost too tough to watch. Instead of the series being 1-1, going back to Orlando, it is 2-0 Lakers and you have Kobe fist pumping all over the place. "Fist pump" has found a new home on every article on ESPN today, whereas before it was limited strictly to porn sites (seriously, check ESPN...it's insanity).

Somewhere Courtney Lee is looking at heaven and saying, "Okay, first you have my parents name me F'in COURTNEY and now THIS?! What the hell?!"

On a side note, if you were ever curious what Stan Van Gundy's face looked like while he took a monster dump, watch the end of that video again.

Here We Go

2009-06-04T21:28:00.005-04:00

It's NBA Finals time, so it's time for a prediction.

Firs, here's a review of how the last round went:

Prediction: Cavs in 7

Outcome: Magic in 6

Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic really surprised everyone, and despite the predictably bad officiating skewing the Cavs' way, they dominated. Lebron's ancillary pieces, especially Mo Williams (a guy who has always been quietly effective, who turned into an ineffective loudmouth) were shut down. I counted 8...yes 8...Szerbiack airballs in the series. This continues my belief that Wally's World is truly the jinx to end all jinxes.

Prediction: Lakers in 5

Outcome: Lakers in 6

Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Nuggets gave a pretty darn good fight for two games, with Birdman suddenly emerging into the media darling we never thought he could be. Melo and Billups looked strong early on and then cooled off to an arctic degree. Out of nowhere, Lamar Odom rose like a bald phoenix to burn the powder-blues. I have yet to watch a Lakers game with a girl who doesn't say at one point, "That Jordan Farmar guy has ears that REALLY stick out. He should grow his hair out." Too true, ladies, too true.

And here we go, the moment we've all been waiting for:

Finals prediction: Magic in 6

Yes, I am a homer. Yes, That is an unpopular pick. I gotta go with Jameer Nelson and my boys. If "Stuff the Magic Dragon" gets a ring, it will surely be a sign of the end times. Who am I to prevent the apocolypse?

Mickael Pietrus Seems Like A Cool Guy

2009-06-03T21:33:00.003-04:00

Watching the NBA Playoffs, all I keep thinking to myself is, "Man, Pau Gasol sure has a lot of acne on his arms." -But besides that, I also think, "Man, it would be so fun to be friends with Mickael Pietrus." The guy does some funny face or gesture after every three he makes, and his interviews are often completely silly and ridiculous. He's like if Will Ferrell could dunk and had an absolutely enormous brow. -Oh and was black. Sorry, I don't see color, unlike some of you.

Take the latest "news", which has Pietrus changing his shoes from Kobe shoes to Jordan shoes for the Magic's showdown with the Lakers. I love his quote:

"The only thing I can do is try to minimize (Kobes) touches in the fourth quarter," Pietrus told the Sentinel. "He's a tremendous player and those guys you can not stop them. So maybe I can say, 'Hey, stop, Kobe! Yo! Stop!' Maybe that's the only way I can stop him. 'Stop for a minute!' "

If you need more entertainment, look any any clip of Pietrus in action:

Alright, enough man-crush talk for one day. I'm starting to annoy myself.

Looking Forward To The Kobe-Dwight Matchup

2009-06-03T00:40:00.002-04:00

While a lot is being said about the grudge match that will ensue between Dwight Howard and Kobe Bryant, no one really seems to be talking about the fact that the two were really, really good friends on the court during the Olympics this past year. While Lebron was looking for the cameras, Carmelo was looking to prove himself as a scorer, and Jason Kidd was looking to prove he didn't need to walk with a walker, Kobe and Dwight were hanging out and giving each other tips.

Here is a video showing a glimmer of them interacting:

It'll be fun to see how the media spins this into "These two HAAAAATE each other", while they are both will likely be sharing a beer after the series is over.

I swear to God, if Kobe gets Dwight to leave Orlando for L.A. during my lifetime, I will go to Los Angeles and burn that city to the ground myself. Never again.

America Must Band Together Despite This Cavs Loss

2009-06-01T21:14:00.008-04:00

It is officially the week leading up to the NBA Finals. For now the media, instead of talking about the Magic and the Lakers, appear to be stuck on the incomprehensible fact that the Cavaliers somehow fell short. The world will have to wait for a Kobe-Lebron Championship series. Woe is us. Media folks, it is time to move on, and there is no better way to do that than...CAVALIERS FALLING SHORT FUNNY PICTURE ROUNDUP!

SHAZAAAM!

And my personal favorite....

Note the attention to detail with the Lil' Penny, the Lebron doll, and even the name of the boat and it's captain. Simply brilliant.

Many thanks to everyone at the Orlando Magiczone forums for your pics. Time to root for the Orlando Magic the only way I know how: With the 20 year old theme song!

http://www.nba.com/media/magic/25_Orlando_Magic_Theme_Song.mp3

That song is simply the silliest theme song I have ever heard.

Barkley Rolling With The Magic

2009-05-31T22:30:00.004-04:00

I haven't been this excited since, oh, let's say 1994.

The Orlando Magic are in the Finals. I feel almost confused on how to react to one of my favorite teams doing this well. Do I flip over a car? Should I throw fireworks off of my balcony at people wearing Cavs jerseys? I have no idea. What I do know is that the Magic will take on Kobe, Pau "Acne Arms" Gasol, and my former Magic boy Trevor Ariza in the NBA Finals.

Once again, out of the four TNT broadcasters, the only person to pick the Magic to win is Charles Barkley. This pleases me immensely because not only has he been right thus far, but he also works with none of the media hype that influences so many people's predictions. One could say he is the most honest-to-a-fault guy on TV. Don't believe me? Here he is from last night's broadcast, willing to say what must be said even at the expense of the censors:

Game 1 is Thursday. Until then, we'll be bathing in the championship game hype. Tonight, however, I bathe in champagne (is THAT what you do when your team does well? Oh I am so very confused.)

You Can't Keep The Clothes On Mo

2009-05-28T23:03:00.002-04:00

When I get done with a meeting at work, I like to start stripping on my way back to my desk. First, I take off my shirt and then my pants. It's just what I do, okay? It's been a long day, I had a rough meeting, and it's time for a little naked time.

Mo's with me on this one.

So Whatever Happened on Monday?

2009-05-27T09:29:00.003-04:00

By far my favorite parts are Faux Jerry Bus and Faux David Stern.

Refs (heart) Lebron

2009-05-26T21:37:00.002-04:00

I'm excited for the Magic-Cavs game tonight, but also not excited at all. Why? The refs have been AWFUL in this series, and tonight is poised to be the crappiest Cavs-loving reffed game of the series. If the Cavs go down 1-3 to the Magic tonight, David Stern will shoot lasers out of his eyes and kill all of the families of the refs.

Don't believe me? Let's check out a delightful video from the previous game in the series, where I watched the refs call multiple fouls on the Magic WITH THEIR BACK TURNED TO THE PLAYER THEY WERE FOULING! In this clip, the Magic fans watch another crummy call and at the 0:45 mark, start an overwhelming chant of "Refs You Suck".

That's a rather complicated chant for a crowd so you knew they all were thinking it.

As I typed that last sentence, a whistle blew on Mickael Pietrus. Must be game time. Sigh...

Happy Memorial Day From THF

2009-05-25T02:24:00.002-04:00

It's time to fire up those grills, sit out in the sun, and enjoy what is looking like a beautiful Memorial Day (if you happen to live in the American northeast. Yet another crappy day for you, Londoners!). I'm still beaming over the Magic win last night, and still fuming over that Lebron shot on Friday, but am ready to take a day to sit in the sun and ignore anything that can't be barbecued.

A very happy birthday as well to Anubis Taylor. I am still hungover from his birthday party on Saturday night, and partied hard enough that I don't expect to be back at 100% for another two weeks or so. Well done, my friend.

Enjoy the sunshine, folks. THF will be back tomorrow with hard-hitting basketball drivel you know and love.

Dwight Will Pump (clap) You Up

2009-05-21T22:49:00.003-04:00

Everyone's seen Dwight Howard's dunk from last night where he tore the shot clock down, so I won't even bore you with that. What I CAN do is Tony Little your ass into becoming a shot clock-destroying mofo by showing you Dwight Howard's fitness regimine.

First off, we take a look at Dwight, a young Dwight at that, working out with what can only be described as "light weights". You can see that at this point in his career, he is working on improving his flexibility and endurance, rather than punching through skulls for practice as he does later in his career.

I want the job of that guy getting paid to hold the weight on Dwight's back while he does push ups. That guy somehow looks winded doing that.

Fast forward to him now, bench pressing in this next video. He is a monster, capable of destroying small villages. In the video, Dwight must have an absurd amount of weight on that bar because it looks like it is bending like a noodle as he lifts it up. The clip even has tips on how to do Dwight's workout at the end, minus how much he is lifting to avoid copycats who would promptly rip their shoulders out of their sockets.

And just in case you didn't have enough, here is a longer clip of Dwight doing various workouts (seriously, there are like 80 clips on the net of him doing various workouts...this guy is totally hawking Ab Rollers after he retires).

I make the same face when I do crunches.

Woot!

2009-05-20T23:55:00.003-04:00

I try as hard as I can to stay impartial on this blog, but lord knows you all know at this point that I am a completely shameless Magic fan. Tonight's win was amazing.

Lord knows I thought the team came out stronger after beating the Lucky Charms crew, but coming back and winning after being down in a 16 point hole? Especially after THIS?!

Simply crazy. I was unable to post my predictions for the Conference finals due to being insanely busy, but before it gets too late here we go:

Cavs in 7

Lakers in 5

You KNOW the NBA wants this matchup and Stern will kill a mofo before his plans are thwarted. Still, a great game for Magic fans everywhere. I need a cold shower.

Oh The Humanity!

2009-05-19T09:57:00.005-04:00

Immediate Reactions:
1. Who exactly is the host trying to call out as a former WWE employee? Himself? Ron "Jaws" Jaworski? I want the truth!
2. Vince might need to lay off the root beer candy sticks.
3. At the 2:58 mark I'm pretty sure the ESPN host is saying "oh, God!" What did he think Vince was going to pull out? The severed head of Joey Crawford? Socko? A copy of No Holds Barred?
4. Do not cross McMahon for this very reason: On the way home from the XFL's NY/NJ Hitmen's home opener, all the lights in my car blew as I was passing by the HQ of the WWE in Stamford, CT. Some dark shit is going on over there.
5. And why does McMahon think that "Stan Kroenke" is a punchline just like New Jersey is to Governor Patterson?

Semi-Final Prediction Recap Time!

2009-05-18T20:41:00.007-04:00

Unlike ESPN, I am not a fan of throwing predictions out there and then not doing any following up whatsoever. It's only fair to see how THF fared with the previous round of the playoffs, with forecasts both boneheaded AND moronic:

Semi-Final Predictions:

Prediction: Cavs in 5
Prediction: Cavs in 4
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: Lebron and the Cavs came out and made the Hawks look even worse than they did against the Heat in round 1. Honestly, did any team look worse in the playoffs this year than Atlanta? Pee-ew. It's 50/50 on whether the Cavs have actually been practicing the past week, or just coming up with new dance moves and intros.

Prediction: Magic in 6
Prediction: Magic in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic looked like the better team all series, but made REALLY stupid decisions on the court and did not shoot well from the 3 point line. Dwight and company were super close to self-destructing, as was my heart after watching them give up 80 point leads at the ends of nearly all of their games. This series took at least 2 years off my life. On a side note, I realized that Stan Van Gundy looks like every cartoon I've seen on the front of a pizza box.

Prediction: Lakers in 5
Prediction: Lakers in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Lakers lost two more than I predicted by half-assing it. There really is no other way to put it, ESPECIALLY with TMac and Yao not playing. The Lakers have become the team no one wants to see win it, while Houston and ooogly Luis Scola have become America's darlings. -Well, until Ron-Ron starts tomahawk-chopping people during the regular season next year. You know that playoff intensity will take a while to wear off.

Prediction: Nuggets in 6
Prediction: Nuggets in 5
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: I am very happy to say that I wrote this before the Nuggets played the Mavs: "The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs." Now that everyone and their mother is picking them to possibly upset the Lakers, I can sit back with a shit-eating grin on my face. Still, there seems to be something cosmically off with the idea of a person like George Karl EVER beating a coach like Phil Jackson in anything meaningful. I'm going to have to mull over that one.

And there you have it. I am rather proud of how well the predictions came out with going 4-0. Tomorrow I get back to completely crapping the bed with my idiotic Conference Final Predictions! Until then, keep sucking on those throat losenges, Doc Rivers. Eventually your voice will come back from that gutteral, hoarsey sound it's been the past few weeks.

Tonight Four Teams Decide Their Destiny

2009-05-17T11:54:00.003-04:00

Tonight is a HUGE night for the Celtics, Magic, Lakers and Rockets, as two of the four aforementioned teams will be eliminated from the 2009 NBA Playoffs. The Lakers and Magic should win, but the Rockets and Celtics don't seem to have to have that whole "we only win to save face after an embarrasing loss" thing that the Magic and Lakers have.

Yet another year that there is an important series and I am not in the locker room for the pep talk beforehand. This year I would go with a profanity-laden speech as if it were dubbed for network television. It would start out with telling them "This is the most important game of the flippin' season, you pieces of scrap!" and ending simply with, "Go out there and win, mother-truckers."

Ah, who am I kidding? I could never beat this:

It's quite interesting to learn that the snakes are, in fact, monkey-flying and that the plane was available for transport from Monday to Friday (but not on weekends).

Dude...I'm Like Dunking Bro!....Whooaaaa!

2009-05-14T22:36:00.003-04:00

If you are a stoner and have any athletic ability, boy do I have the hero you've been looking for:

29 POUNDS of pot?! That is roughly the weight of a medium-sized dog. In fact, I would insist that anyone out there with that much pot go ahead and sculpt it into the shape of a dog. It would help you conceal it since it would resemble a beautiful topiary animal.

Now all we need is to get Mark Blount involved so that The Howeva Files can run a weekly "Most stoned Blount" article. I can dream.

Attention Dwight Howard: The Nickname "Big Baby" Is Already Taken

2009-05-13T23:12:00.003-04:00

For once, I'll actually be semi-serious in this post. It's been an incredibly crummy time to be an Orlando Magic fan.

I was heartbroken by the Magic loss last night. Actually, that is a huge understatement. I was devastated. It wasn't just a loss. For me the loss was accompanied by a few horrific realizations:
1) The Celtics have figured out how to beat the Magic, along with the rest of America: Make them take jumpshots the whole game. This is a flaw the Magic seem to be too wussy to overcome.

2) With the Celtics figuring out how to beat the Magic, this series stands a good chance of being over. The Magic squandered a 2-1 lead and now sit on the brink of elimination.

3) Hedo Turkoglu and Marcin Gortat likely won't be with the Magic next year. Right now might be the best shot the team has for a title with contract hell binding the team's future.

4) Dwight Howard's intensity level, and leadership abilities have been zilch. The guy has come as close to being invisible this playoffs as anyone could imagine, and has shown ZERO heart.

As my head was in my hands, Dwight Howard said this:

I could not believe what I was hearing. Did he not HEAR my #4 point? Dwight Howard, the same guy who was COMPLETELY shut down by Kendrick Perkins to the point of having to take crazy Ewing hook shots (and missing them BADLY), and has been a virtual mute on the court, is calling out his COACHES and his TEAM for not giving him the ball MORE?!

I nearly pooped myself.

It was as I was staring, wide-eyed at the television that the commercial with Dwight Howard came on. You know the one. He's standing by the sea, talking with Charles Barkley on a cell phone, and is pissing on Sir Charles for injuring the video game likeness of himself. It dawned on me then that this press conference evidenced what we all feared: Dwight Howard has completely lost track of reality. His hype has officially eclipsed his intered in improving his post game and his free throws. The same guy we cheered on as he used the Superman dunk to stardom had taken that cape and flown too close to the sun.

Realizing that my team had a coach that it's players hated, had a core that was about to be shredded with the departure of Turkoglu, had a self-centered superstar who looked past his failing team and only saw his pretty reflection, and a future that was locked into a ton of big contracts, I turned off the television.

At this point, I realized who was going to win the championship this year: The Cleveland Cavaliers. I know you Lakers fans are cocky as hell, but the Cavs have everything the Magic don't right now:

-A coach who the players love and believe in.

-A superstar who makes those around him better.

-A team that is filled with selfless players, including Joe Smith who is playing for the team despite not earning or playing much.

-A team that doesn't let up when they see the finish line approaching.

-A team that supports each other, like when the team rallied around Mo Williams not getting an initial All Star invite.

The Lakers are lacking in the last three categories, which is why I think they'll ultimately fall either in the Finals, or (you heard it here first) I could easily see them losing in 6 to the Nuggets.

Anyhoo, my apologies for the drawn out seriousness of this post. I'll be back to normal tomorrow, after my Orlando Magic grieving subsides.

Kenyon Martin Vs Mark Cuban...How Did We Not See This Coming?

2009-05-12T22:05:00.004-04:00

The newest rivalry in the NBA is Mark Cuban against Kenyon Martin in a monstrous war of words. Cuban apparently disrespected Martin by talking trash about Kenyon TO HIS MOM (I had to put that in caps...that is just a no-no). Once Kenyon found this out, he promised retribution and spent the majority of last night shouting horrific things at Cuban and the fans of Dallas.

Here is but a smidgeon of what you could hear if you happened to possess ears:

There are not many things in this life that I enjoy more than watching people curse on live television.

Screw Mark Cuban apologizing on his blog (he did already). I can only hope this battle escalates and we start to hear things from other thugs in the series. JR Smith has such a street mentality that he probably has curse words we've never even heard before. Josh Howard is certifiably insane, so he would have to do something entertaining, like bludgeon a chicken at midcourt. It all would culminate in Dirk Nowitzki's crazy crook girlfriend accidentally being sent to play in one of the games because she has so many aliases. Bring your popcorn if this one goes beyond 5 games!

Big Baby Wins The Game/Sends Message To America's Obese

2009-05-11T11:40:00.003-04:00

In case you have avoided all sports media this morning, you missed much discussion of Big Baby's buzzer beater against the Magic to tie the series 2-2. For me, this was secondary to the message Big Baby sent to America's obese: I will shove your ass.

After Glen Davis' amazing shot, he celebrated the way a true hero would: by running along the sidelines, cursing loudly about doing horrible things to people's mothers. While running, Big Baby shoved a fat kid out of the way, and it was this gesture that showed the world how he felt about about the nation's rising weight epidemic. It was a powerful message, especially coming from a player who weighed roughly 600 lbs coming out of college.

Someday, when Big Baby is retired and is no doubt hawking some exercise device, this will be the video they show. He'll say, "It wasn't until I felt the weight of that chubby munchkin, careening off of my body into the stands, that I realized the dark path that obesity can lead one on. From that moment on I decided to fight back...with the Big Baby Ab Crunch Pro!" Of course, coming from Big Baby's mouth it'll sound more like "Me Big Baby Happy. Yaaaaaaay (clapping)"

I would love to interview that fat kid today, just to see if I can set up some sort of celebrity boxing match between him and Big Baby in the future. Were that to happen, I would die a happy man.

Happy Mother's Day From THF

2009-05-10T12:17:00.002-04:00

The Howeva Files wishes you a very Happy Mother's Day. Pay homage to the woman who's privates you emerged from. We already gave yo' momma our mother's day present, if you know what I mean.

Here's a pic of our mother. She's just the sweetest.

Black And Blue Jor's Birthday Message: Kobe Is Above The Law

2009-05-07T22:53:00.005-04:00

I have absolutely no idea how Kobe Bryant got away with a fierce elbow to the throat of Ron Artest when Derek Fischer and Skip 2 My Lou each got a game suspension for somewhat comical hits. Sure, we know that the NBA is saying that Kobe's foul was below the shoulders, but David Stern seemed to completely forget that the neck is actually...wait for it...ABOVE THE SHOULDERS! HOLY COW!

Here's a lookee at the foul in question. Ugly:

Had Ron-Ron done this he would have been deported or worse. This just goes to show you how much Mr. Colorado Trial can get away with these days. It's only a matter of time before he just starts tasering people with Rajon Rondo while the NBA turns a blind eye (cue Shane Battier yelling, "Don't tase me bro!").

Today is my birthday, so if you need me I'll be spending my weekend much in the same way that Motley Crue spent the 80s. Mothers lock up your daughters.

There Must Have Been A Spider There

2009-05-06T23:06:00.005-04:00

Good Samaritan, Rafer Alston must have noticed a deadly black widow on the back of Eddie House's head tonight immediately after House drained a three in his grill.

If you don't remember, Alston was brought in mid-season by the Magic to fill in for Jameer Nelson who was lost for the year. From Houston, Rafer has brought along his dead-eye shooting (6-22 this series, 0-6 from three) and lock-down defense (Rajon Rondo is averaging a triple-double). Unless Stu Jackson thinks its OK for players to just smack people upside their head we'll be looking at an Orlando team in Game 3 with Anthony Johnson starting at the point and Tyronn Lue coming off the bench.

I'm sorry, but I just threw up in my mouth writing that. I'm done.

Nostradamus, Move Your Ass Over

2009-05-05T22:44:00.007-04:00

So far, my semi picks are completely on track, including my "Rockets stealing a game in L.A." one. I'm feeling good...damn good. So, good, in fact, I'll make a few more predictions:

-Big Baby will get at LEAST 1 technical foul in this series, possibly even getting ejected from a game.

-Kobe Bryant will have an injury scare, which will be milked in the media on a slow news day. Kobe will be completely fine. Again, stay the hell away from Lakers press this playoffs. It will only hurt you.

-Birdman will be on a huge number of talk shows after the Nuggets advance to the West Finals. Every single interviewer will talk incessantly about his drug use, forgetting he even plays basketball.

-The Cavs series will have low television ratings due to blowouts. David Stern will whisper to others, "The Hawks will never make the playoffs again under my watch".

-The record will be set for most times a valley girl looks at a TV screen in a crowded bar and says, "Ewwww. Who is THAT guy?" It will be your job to inform her with a short biography of Stan Van Gundy.

Speaking of Magic, I nearly had a heart attack watching Orlando almost blow a 28 point lead last night. The Magic played awful, but good lord those refs want every single game to go into overtime and they'll be DAMNED if they don't.

My blood pressure is rising so I'd prefer to focus on happier times, such as this monster dunk by Dwight. Enjoy*

I apologize to Celtics fans reading this. I have nothing against you, but the playoffs brings a beast from within that makes me root for the Magic like nothing else. I promise I'll love you again if the Magic beat your brains out. Promise!

We Predict Things: Conference Semi-Fiesta!

2009-05-04T20:16:00.008-04:00

Despite what ESPN might have you believe, there actually were other games going on in the first round of the NBA playoffs besides the Celtics and Bulls. I will even dare say that the games have been pretty great to watch for teams that weren't named the Heat or Hawks.

So with the games being so much fun so far, let's take a quick gander into the crystal ball at who will win the conference semifinal matchups:

Who: Cavs vs Hawks

Winner: Cavs in 5

Why: After watching the Hawks this past series, I have made the conclusion that Josh Smith is the next coming of Zach Randolph. -An insanely gifted athlete with a head full of rocks. That being said, the Cavs are scary good this year, and seem like they are genuinely having a blast playing. When you're playing a team that is smiling in high pressure games, you know you're screwed. It almost makes you wonder where would this team be without Wally Szczerbiak. Oh, that's right, exactly where they are right now.

Who: Celtics vs. Magic

Winner: Magic in 6

Why: I'm picking the Magic not only am I a retardedly optimistic homer, but the Celtics are playing against Howard with Kendrick Perkins and Mikki Moore. Sure, there will be that game that Howard gets no calls and the refs make it close, but I see many Big Baby-Howard matchups on the horizon and that spells doom for the Celtics. If the rest of the playoffs are any indication, Rajon Rondo might rip off someone's nose in this series only to have the NBA say it isn't a flagrant foul (Rondo was going after the nose-shaped-basketball, silly goose).

Who: Lakers vs. Rockets

Winner: Lakers in 5

Why: Take a look at that photo of a clean-cut Pau Gasol. You almost want to tell that young lad, "In your future, you will resemble an ogre. Invest in beard combs NOW." Going back to the series, mark my words: The Rockets will steal a game in L.A., prompting the talking heads on TV to talk incessantly about it for a few days. The Rockets will then promptly lose from then on out, and the talk will turn to "who will stop the Lakers" talk. My message here: If you hear the word "Lakers" on the radio, quickly throw it out of the window. You'll save yourself a lot of aggrevation.

Who: Nuggets vs. Mavs

Winner: Nuggets in 6

Why: The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs. Half the country is still seeing them for the first time and saying, "Wow...Carmelo Anthony cut his hair? When did THAT happen?" It's sad the Nuggets aren't getting more credit as they really are the only team that can push the Lakers in the West in my opinion. They also crushed the titan known as "Dumars", with a trade so good that it made Denver a contender and crushed the Pistons core for good. This series will also be fun to watch simply for the massive amount of camera cut-aways to a pissed-off-looking Mark Cuban in the stands. If you play a drinking game with it, you will have a good time.

Time to watch the Magic-Celtics game. Post your picks to win in the comments section or shoot us an email. Toodles!

We Love Our Readers: Comments Section Now Open

2009-05-02T10:48:00.003-04:00

Eesh. That easily is one of the more odd team press photos I have ever seen.

This post is to let you scalawags know that the comments section is now completely open and completely moderation-free. This means you can post whatever comes into your sick little minds without worry of reprisal. Use it as a way to keep track of shopping lists, or tell that special someone that you're leaving them for the mailman. Either way, our site is now yours people.

Josh Smith FAIL

2009-04-30T21:28:00.002-04:00

Some guys don't reeeeeally get that they are in the playoffs. Sure, they get that they are stuck playing more games, there are more cameras, and suddenly people give a crap about their bobblehead dolls...but besides that it's still all fun and games.

Josh Smith is one said creature. Whenever you watch him in the playoffs, he lacks that stare of anger and intensity that people like Kobe and KG have in knowing they will ultimately be remembered for their championships. Instead, you get this, an EPIC DUNK FAIL:

Don't get me wrong...had he made that dunk the world would be singing his praises. Instead, he is caught with his junk in his hands and the better part of the press saying that he has no idea how important each point in these games are. My solution? Do the same ridiculous dunks while wearing a teal-colored "I am taking this game seriously" shirt. It will clear up any confusion, while still appealing to groundlings like me.

Portland Overcomes Celebrity Sighting In Pivotal Win

2009-04-29T17:41:00.004-04:00

As if having to contend with a 7'-6" genetically manufactured basketball machine and the one Tru Warrier of Queens wasn't enough for the young and easily distracted Portland Trailblazers, they have had to compete against their instinctual reaction to fawn all over the British comedic phenom, Russell Brand.

While simultaneously quoting some of his famous lines from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Brand lead the Rockets to a 11 point lead in the fourth quarter. But minor celebrity sightings failed to keep LaMarcus Aldridge and Brandon Roy down as they single-handedly mounted a comeback all the while mouthing "Inside of You" in Brand's direction.

David Lee Is Available Ladies, Er...I Mean Teams

2009-04-28T22:44:00.004-04:00

Restricted free agent power forward (lord, that is a long title) David Lee came out today and said he will gladly play for any team that will pay him...Wanting cash...wow, really different than the other players in the NBA, David. Definitely headline-worthy.

I really like David Lee. Not only because I feel bad that he had to endure the crap Larry Brown years AND the crap Isiah years, but also because he seems to genuinely be a nice, entertaining guy to be around. With an introduction like that, tell me I wouldn't be a good wingman.

Here is David Lee being his usual fun self:

I find it very funny the way he almost yells at the camera "I like the way you THINK." This makes the image of David Lee hitting on women akin to him walking up to a bunch of women, them looking at how tall he is, and him blurting out, "I'm very tall and proportionate everywhere. Yes, everwhere. You may now fight over me."
----------------------

Update: How amazing is this Bulls-Celtics series? Really, KG's inclusion would have only ruined this thing. Celtics win in OT again.

Update #2: Magic beat the Sixers to take a 3-2 lead. I can now sleep soundly.

The BEST Play Of The NBA Weekend

2009-04-27T22:30:00.005-04:00

I was extremely happy the Magic won to tie the series with the Sixers 2-2, but for me the highlight of the NBA games this weekend was Ben Gordon's amazing clutch 3-pointer to send the game into double overtime against the Celtics (a game the Bulls later won as a result).

Scratch that.

The highlight for me followed immediately afterward. It was Ben Gordon celebrating by grabbing his groin in a profane way after the shot. I nearly shot beer out of my nose as I laughed out loud. Anubis Taylor was beside me, dodging Samuel Adams spittle.

Mark my words, the next time I get a promotion or raise at work, I am doing this:

Thus, if you see a tall guy with a tie and a suit with his hand on his crotch, skipping down the streets of New York and yelling in the air, it's most likely me.

If it's not me, then chances are you are a female and it's this guy. You should then find a place to hide.

One Last Video Game Glitch For The Road

2009-04-23T21:29:00.005-04:00

The Bulls are getting their asses handed to them right now at halftime (losing by 22 to the Celtics), as are the Spurs (losing by 19 to the Mavs), so let's take a break from the playoffs momentarily to say goodnight to one standby that has been there throughout this NBA season: Fun NBA video glitches.

It's fitting that we end the year with perhaps my favorite video game glitch of the year, in NBA 2k9:

Really, this one is so good that the fact that Nene has a white man's upper body at times is just icing on the cake. Very good find, 9-year-old-sounding-kid-in-the-video. I'm going to have beers tonight until the blowout games on TV start having glitches of their own.

Poodini Is Roodini Of The Year

2009-04-22T23:29:00.003-04:00

Derrick "Poodini" Rose has been announced NBA Rookie Of The Year. I am very happy about this because after that game 1 win against the Celtics he deserved to win 5 Rookie Of The Year awards. On top of this, he is a really nice guy, calling every middle-aged female sideline reporter "missus" or "ma'am" (much to every cougar who still feels like she's young at heart).

Here is a snippet from his press conference today:

Two things will immediately leap out at you: 1) Wow, Derrick Rose IS a nice guy. You're right as always, Black and Blue Jor (of course I am). 2) Derrick Rose always speaks with absolutely no inflection in his voice whatsoever. His play and speaking voice make him simultaneously the most and least marketable guy out there right now.

Can you imagine him pitching a McDonalds burger with that monotone drawl?

"HimynameisDerrickandI'mheretotalktoyouabouttheMcRib-
whichisbackforalimitedtimeatMickeyDsBadabadabaaaI'mlovinit."

NBA Brass "Reviewing" Dampier Comments WhileTrying Not To Laugh

2009-04-21T22:06:00.007-04:00

Dallas Mavericks center Erica Dampier guaranteed to reporters to put French rap sensation, Tony Parker, "on his back" in the next game Thursday night, presumably to do one of two things: intimidate the Spurs guard...or make sweet love to him. For those not familiar Dampier- the ~~beast~~ man known as carnage and brutality personified- he successfully used this same tactic on Dwyane Wade during the 2006 NBA Finals, limiting the Heat guard to the highest PER in a finals series since the NBA-ABA merger.

When asked to comment, NBA spokesman Tim Frank repeatedly rolled his eyes and said between snickering that the league was "looking into it." When pressed to elaborate on who exactly was going to speak with Dampier, Frank responded "Ummm, I dunno....a security corps comprised of ninjas, vikings, and Chewbacca that's who." He then broke into unstoppable laughter and walked away holding his sides.

No word yet if any other disciplinary action was taken against Dampier.

(Oh yeah, I've got a computer again! Glad to be back!)

America Curses Under Its Breath Over Boston's Narrow Victory Over The Bulls, All ESPN Analysts Orgasm Collectively

2009-04-21T21:37:00.003-04:00

After a pair of threes by Ben Gordon, the Bulls looked like they were on their way to win number 2 in Boston. Then Ray Allen looked at the collective NBA fandom rooting against the Celtics in this year's playoffs and did this to them:

With Allen's three with two seconds left, the Bulls only had one option: Advance the ball with a quick timeout and take a well-thought-out shot. Oops, I mistyped. I meant to write that Vinny Del Negro uses up timeouts like Michael Jackson uses up Gi Joes-on-a-string and nets, so the Bulls were forced for the second straight game to chuck the ball downcourt. This was pretty deflating to watch, and KG's bizarre pursed-lip celebration only made it worse.

I don't know the exact moment that I started rooting against the Celts this year, but I am quite positive it started as a result of the massive amount of hype ESPN panelists have put on them this season. When someone hears, "Oh they're UNSTOPPABLE! The BIG THREE will cruise to another championship! I want to have BIG BABY'S CHILDREN" enough times, it just makes you hate a team. Now that the Celtics lost KG and Leon Powe for the playoffs, the sports foos are making the Celtics (A team deep and talented enough that it got Mikki Moore and Stephon Marbury for peanuts in exchange for the chance to win a championship) into some sort of "underdog". Balderdash, I say. They're also now all over Kobe and the Lakers' junk, making any analysis of that team equally tough to listen to. Screw AFLAC, my new motto that I am going to bark out for these playoffs is "ABTLAC" (Anybody But The Lakers And Celtics).

As if in response to my anti-purple and green rant, my sportsticker just let me know that the Cavs went up by 22 on the Pistons. Save us, Lebron...you're our only hope.

It's Playoff MADNESS!!!!!!

2009-04-20T20:29:00.006-04:00

Blahblahblah Lakers blahblahblah Nuggets blahblah Cavs blah blah. We knew how many of the games involving the teams would end this week, so let's just gloss over those and say it was nice to see those teams play. Two of the games this past weekend were incredible and completely blew my socks off: The Bulls overtime win against the Celtics, and the Sixers last second comeback against the Magic.

Let's start with the Celtics game. Watching Derrick "Poodini" Rose was like watching a beautiful flower blossom if said flower was a Memphis graduate with a weird wizard tattoo. Rose was slashing and dashing all over the place, while the Celtics managed the game slow and steady with their talent. In the first game, it was heart versus talent and heart won (much to the delight of that useless chick from Captain Planet). You take one look at Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas and...yeah, heart won this game.

Speaking of Tyrus Thomas, WHERE the hell did he come from at the end of that game? He was hitting clutch jumpshots all over the place, and you could see the life slowly draining from Vinny Del Negro's face each time he put a shot up. The fact that his shots went in at all was proof that there actually is a wizard named Poodini somewhere altering the fate our planet, and he is a Bulls fan.

For me, the games this weekend went from pure elation in the Bulls win to tragic, smash-your-head-against-a-wall defeat with the Magic. I watched as Orlando's 18 point lead flew through their legs like Bill Buckner...and knew they would lose the game. That's right, I knew wayyyy ahead of time that this one was lost. Why? Because the number one rule of being a Magic fan is knowing which games you just need to toss Hedo Turkoglu's ass on the bench. You know from the first 10 minutes whether he will hit most of the shots he takes in a game or miss every single one. He didn't make a shot UNTIL THE END OF THE FOURTH QUARTER, which would send off warning bells that it was time to yank him and call in the many other reserves. Such was not the case, and as Hedo was passed the ball for the final shot with 2 seconds left, I actually looked up at the ceiling of my apartment and asked, "Why? Why did they have him in the game in this juncture." I didn't even have to look back down to know the Sixers had won and Hedo Turkoglu had not even hit the rim (the ball bounced off of the backboard with a sick thud that echoed the thud in my stomach).

Ugh, enough ranting. For every victory, there is a defeat, and in the mirror of life there is most like some other amazingly handsome, muscular writer posting about how happy he was that the Sixers won and pissed that the Celtics lost. That's just the way it is, methinks.

Stay tuned for more daily playoff coverage as the week progresses. I'll need an outlet for the Turkoglu hate.

Me Likey Blocks

2009-04-15T23:40:00.004-04:00

NBA.com's "block of the night" segment is quickly becoming one of my favorite things ever and I strongly suggest you all check it out. Since the dunk and the three-point shot have both become somewhat ordinary, a monster blocked shot is the one play that will still lift people out of their seats and shake their booties. It is the streetball equivalent of sleeping with someone's wife.

To see the sheer force and excitement in a good block, here is a choice selection from Solomon Jones of the Hawks the other night:

After getting your shot blocked that badly, there is really not very much you can do except change your name, get a new set of friends, and move to a remote location somewhere near the island on Lost. The shame would just be too much.

Iverson Shows Barkley What Gambling Problems Should Look Like

2009-04-14T20:27:00.003-04:00

Today a report came out that Allen Iverson has been banned from not one, but two Detroit-area casinos. This was followed by most of America saying the same thing: "Detroit has casinos?"

This news continues the month-long rain of crap upon the head of Allen Iverson. His team doesn't even want him in their games, and now his casinos don't even want to take his money. As with Barry Bonds and Pete Rose, when age catches up with you in sports, and you happen to be a jackass, the ride out of the spotlight is a really painful one. You just know Terrell Owens will experience a record number of people hating him when his legs wear down and he is spit out of Buffalo in two years. It's rough when the one thing that kept the douchiness in check (freakish athletic ability) is gone and karma is free to run rampant in the form of a cranky Bob Ryan yelling at the screen, "Get the bum off my TV screen!".

On a side note, I bumped into a drunk Bob Ryan on Bourbon Street in New Orleans when I was younger, and it only added to how much of how trippy drinking in Louisiana is. Bob Ryan had that creepy white moustache back then (shivers remembering it).

Oh, I should mention that Iverson apparently got banned from the casinos for "being a bad loser". This includes throwing cards in the face of the dealer when he lost. One can only hope that all of this bad press someday inspires a little kid to throw his basketball trading cards in the face of Iverson for how he depreciated their value with his antics. That would be karmic GOLD!

David Stern Reminds The NFL Sports Are Supposed To Be Fun

2009-04-13T22:02:00.003-04:00

While it is a sport I absolutely love, I have been increasingly annoyed at the NFL with its "no celebration" rules. It's getting to the point where ANY touchdown celebration is getting a flag, and players are scared to do anything. Santonio Holmes made one of the best plays in super bowl history, and you still had idiotic sports writers yelling that he didn't get a penalty for holding the football while he did a little dance (they argued that it was a prop).

Contrast that with this:

If that video seems excessive and very, very entertaining, that is because David Stern has come out and said that he welcomes celebrations. This is news to me, since I've seen Davey-boy fine Richard Jefferson and others for very small post-dunk celebrations. The economy and attendance shortages seem to be forcing the NBA to resort to appeasing the groundlings (thank goodness).

In addition to encouraging more Cavs goodness, this means more of one of my favorite celebrations: The Ron Artest Beast celebration. This is captured perfectly in NBA 2k9:

Note: I do this celebration after I win at checkers. I also drink a pair of beer cans, smash them together, throw them at the child or relative I am playing against and give the two-finger salute like Stone Cold Steve Austin. You DON'T come to my black and red checkered house without a whoopin'.

BIRDMAN!

2009-04-09T21:07:00.011-04:00

I don't write about the Denver Nuggets nearly enough. Whenever I do write about them, I find myself having fun (evidenced by one of my favorite videos ever).

-The team is led by George Karl, who might be completely crazy.

-They are having one of its best seasons ever despite having a starting lineup that should be nicknamed "The Outsiders" for how little respect they get.

-Rocky, the mascot-type thing pictured above, is a completely under-appreciated gangsta (his wikipedia page...yes he has one...states "Rocky once made his patented backwards half court shot in 9 consecutive games.")

-They are named after a popular McDonalds happy meal food.

Toss all of these things into a cauldron, stir, and you have a great team to root for.

The only thing that could make it better is if they had a crazy, heroin-addicted big man who was the laughingstock of the 2005 slam dunk contest and somehow has come back despite all that to be a solid player in the NBA...

ENTER THE BIRDMAN!

Chris Andersen, or "Birdman"/"Birdzilla", is a fantastic player to watch because you can cheer for him and laugh at his antics all in one sitting. The play above elicited this reaction from me:

"WHOA! THAT WAS AMAZING! Who was that? BIRDMAN?! Hahahaha! I love that guy."

I went from shock, to awe, to confusion, to surprise, to amusement, to admiration...all in 10 seconds. It takes a special player on a special team to do that to a guy. Chris Andersen and the Denver Nuggets, I salute you.

Yesterday Was Pretty Awesome

2009-04-08T19:30:00.003-04:00

Yesterday the weather completely sucked, I had to wait a whole 24 hours for the Wednesday night Lost episode, and I had an exhausting day at work...and it still rocked. Why? The NBA games, especially how a few of them finished yesterday, were incredible.

Take a look at the top 10 plays from yesterday and you'll see some of the many plays that had me jumping up out of my seat. Especially plays #2 and #1:

Good golly Miss Molly. If I were Rasual Butler, I would have just retired right after that shot. It's all downhill after that.

Ugh, this post was pretty mushy with all the NBA love, and I have to say that in retrospect I honestly hated reading it. But alas! Every so often even the most Grinchy of writers has a soft day. I promise to be back to my pissy, sarcastic, laugh-at-the-ugly-cheerleaders self tomorrow.

These Celtics Take Themselves Seriously

2009-04-07T20:43:00.003-04:00

I've posted a lot of team hijinks on this site, and somehow the Celtics keep popping up as one of the silliest championship teams in history. Here is Eddie House and the rookies impersonating Ray Allen and singing various tunes:

Tune in next week for the Celtics dance-off and nude slip-n-slide with Glen "Big Baby" Davis!

Goodnight, Spurs!

2009-04-06T22:01:00.002-04:00

Today the Spurs came out and said Manu Ginobili is officially done for the season. Anyone with any knowledge of the Spurs, which are essentially a three-headed monster (Duncan, Ginobili, and Parker), knows this means their hopes of winning a title this season are toast. -Or at least as good as Michigan State's chances of winning the championship this year (too soon? The game has been only going on for a while now and already it's ugly).

This leaves only a few teams with legit chances of winning an NBA title this season:

Lakers
Cavs
Celtics
Magic
Denver

I know, putting the Nuggets on there is not a popular pick, but they might be able to sneak in the championship game if the Lakers stumble somehow (although I doubt it).

With this in mind, look for an emphasis on the Eastern conference playoff games on television come playoff time. It's a little too obvious the Lakers will steamroll their way to the finals this season against the rest of the West, but with an unproven Cavs roster, a gimpy Garnett-led Celtics team, and a depth-less Magic squad, the East appears wide open. I look for the Hawks to actually scare a few people with a strong first round against the Heat.

Anyhow, enough about the future. I ain't no tarot card reader, dag nabbit! Here are some Ginobili highlights from last year to remind you Spurs fans what you'll be missing:

Checking Out The Latest Leon Powe Twitter? FRAUD I SAY!

2009-04-02T19:04:00.004-04:00

For those of you hoping to catch up on the latest hot Leon Powe-related action via Twitter, I have some news for you: Leon Powe has no idea how to use Twitter...so for the (according to accounts) 300 or so of you subscribed to his Twitter feed, you've been had.

For good measure, Powe added:

“I don’t even mess with the computers like that. If I did, it would be cool, but nobody has come to me and talked to me about anything like that,” he said, adding, “I think being an athlete, it could be a positive but sometimes it could be a negative, too. Being an athlete, you’re always out there and people are always going to find stories and find what you did eight years ago. So it’s basically the same thing.”

This begs the obvious question: Who in the heck are these people subscribing to Twitter feeds from Leon Powe? Are they friends? High class prostitutes (Hey there, Sham-wow guy!)? Maybe just really misinformed fans of Edgar Allen Poe. I have no idea, but I'm going to spend the rest of my night Twittering as Emmanuel Lewis as a result. Yay for identity theft!