Quick, Gimme Something That Rhymes With Grizzly...

...because Zach Randolph is on his way to Memphis in exchange for the guy who was once engaged to Brandy! Still don't get it? Let's revisit this famous quote from Randolph when he was a co-chairman of the Jail Blazers:

I'm not a Blazer, I'm a gangsta.

Genius....

PS: I think both players would be happy with their new homes. Q was going to be on a bad team anyway, but now he can lounge on the beach and bring back the double-fisted head bump to LA. And for Z-Bo? Well, Memphis will have all the ribs that he can shove down his fat face!

Before You Go, Could You Explain This?

Because of the same heart condition that took the lives of Reggie Lewis and Hank Gathers, veteran guard Cuttino Mobley retired yesterday. The condition, hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, was discovered during a physical after Cuttino was traded to the Knicks from the Clippers. Although my statistician decided to take a 3-day weekend, I can say that this is the first time this century that someone is thankful to have been traded to the Knicks. The Howeva Files wishes him good health and success in his next stage of his life.

That being said, we still need an explaination for this:

Chris Kaman Calls Out The Mavs

It's rough to be an NBA team in this "win now" culture. -It's even tougher when you have some beastly creature calling you out.

That's right, your and my favorite supermodel Chris Kaman just told the Mavericks that their team isn't among the elite. To further stir the pot, Kaman claims that Dirk Nowitzki said he doesn't believe in the Mavs either. I am quite shocked at this whole development. -Not because the Mavs are being labelled an also-ran, but because this means that Kaman speaks. I always assumed him a quiet destructive force, like Frankenstein.

Normally, I would feign disinterest in this whole matter, but the Mavs are friend of the site Rick Carlisle's now. This throws any open mind I would have on a matter completely out of the window and almost makes me offended that anyone would question Rick's coaching. I would run into a burning building if Rick were inside and in trouble, for crissakes! (Note: I would not do this.) He's my BOY!

Eh, to tell the truth, I won't even have to do anything. Rick Carlisle is like Chuck Norris and the Bounty Paper Towel Guy all rolled into one, but with more firepower. Once you besmirch his name, you just open yourself a world of hurt. Nice knowing you, Kaman.

RICK SMASH!!!!

New Look Clippers Dazzle

I hate boring, annoying sports article titles like the one above, so that's why I chose to sarcastically use it to describe the Clippers' bitch-slapping by the Lakers tonight.

At the time of me writing this, it's 101-68 Lakers. By clicking on this link, you'll be able to see the final score, which will have the Lakers beating the Clips somewhere in the neighborhood of 200-70. I think it is fair to say, after watching this team tonight, that the Clippers are doomed for another season of mediocrity. Any team that hinges its success on the health of Baron Davis is pretty much screwed, and with Marcus Camby out another injury means them possibly scoring negative points.

I'm not one to talk, with my Magic losing to the Hawks tonight by 14, but having watched all of the teams closely thus far this season the Clippers win my "Craptacular start to the season award".

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Clippers

Hey, it may be a slow news day in the NBA, but there's always something to report.

Similarly, it may be a crap franchise that can't string together consistency, but there's always the good looking models in Hollywood that cheerlead for them. Go Clippers.

On a related note, I'm going to visit Hollywood this December...(looks at newly acquired wedding ring)...Nooooooooooooooo!

White Chocolate Is A Clipper

Want to feel old?

Remember when Jason Williams was the cool new rookie in the league, dazzling NBA audiences with no-look passes and an invisible third eye for pinpoint alley-oop passes?

That was 10 years ago.

Cut to the present day: Jason Williams is a veteran, completely devoid of his fun antics (thanks a LOT, Hubie Brown), has a championship ring, and no longer has that funny parted haircut. He also is the latest person to be brought to the new-look Clippers, a team whose roster already everyone has lost track of.

Ah well, we can always look back, can't we? Jason Williams tops my list of "players who I totally thought were going to be entertaining to watch forever...and weren't" with Tracy McGrady a close second. Ron Artest is on that list somewhere for different reasons.

Top 10 Jason Williams plays (Warning: Turn the volume off of your computer, lest Michelle Branch music ruin your evening)




-And what would a young Jason Williams retrospective be without the best pass I have ever seen (or will ever see) over an NBA All Star Weekend:

Back With A Vengeance/Free Agency Move Grades

Back from the honeymoon and ready to talk NBA. I wanted to do a draft recap with grades and whatnot, but with players already showing their stuff in the summer league that would sort of be a cop-out. Plus, does anyone REALLY want to talk about Brook and Robin Lopez more than they have to? Nah, me neither.

Thus, instead let's take a look at what can only be described as a COMPLETELY CRAZY DAY OF NBA MADNESS...free agency style. I will grade the moves that happened today, because in my opinion everything in life should be graded (Ants? B minus. Teal dress shirts? D plus).

------------------------

Elton Brand To Philly: A-

Whyzzat? Everyone is saying how bad an idea it is that Brand is leaving a big market like Los Angeles and Baron Davis, who basically signed on just to be with him. I disagree. The Clips are the Kansas City Royals/Arizona Cardinals/...(hockey equivalent of this)... of the NBA, escape can only be described as a success. Also, the Sixers are a team seriously on the rise and Brand could be the vet that team needs to go somewhere in the playoffs. Yay for our favorite pornstar named coach Mo Cheeks!

Corey Maggette To Golden State: D-

Whyzzat? Corey spends allllll this time deciding betweenwhich contender to go to. Spurs? Celtics? Magic? -And then takes a tiny bit more money to go to a suddenly Baron Davis and Mickael Pietrus-less team that appears to be on a serious decline with how they've Hindenburg-ed this offseason. Golf clap for ending your career disgruntled, Corey.

Mickael Pietrus To Orlando: A

Whyzzat? The Magic wanted Chris Duhon and wound up missing out on the Knicks who spent too much. The Magic then wanted Corey Maggette and realized they wouldn't get him. Their third option will probably wind up being the best of all three. Mickael Pietrus fits their bill of defensive-minded guards who can shoot the three, as well as making fohawk-wearer JJ Redick sit even further back on the bench. I was annoyed when the Magic drafted Redick, but am warming to it since at this point the team appears solely dedicated to keeping him on the roster to find new ways to piss him off.

The jetlag is killing me, so we'll leave it at that today, but there is much more to discuss in the first few days of the free agent signing period. Hopefully we see more craziness, like Josh Smith sign with Olympiakos for a pile of chocolate coins. Stay tuned!

Barkley Should Tour The Country With That Voice

Tonight the Mavericks, the only team anyone (including us) appears interested in down the playoff stretch this year, snapped a three game losing streak and showed they can actually win without Dirk. Of course, it was against the lowly Clippers, but a win is a win. -Yes, a win still does count against the Clippers.

Okay, let's be honest here...I just wanted an excuse to post Charles Barkley doing his best Avery Johnson impression from when they lost to the Lakers a week back. Enjoy:



Gotta love Chuck.

E.T. Go Home

The contract of extraterrestrial/gollum, Sam Cassell, has been bought out by the Los Angeles Clippers. Considering the Clips' frugal history plus the 100% certainty that Cassell would make everyone's life hell due to the team's inability to get their point guard traded by the deadline, this was a smart decision that might have been against Donald Sterling's nature.

The top three teams that covet this escapee from a genetic engineering lab while also possessing the most money to offer are Boston, Dallas, and Denver. While Dallas has the most money to offer, Boston could offer the most playing time. My hopes and dreams will come true if Cassell is reunited with George Karl in Denver, which is comparable to throwing a match onto gasoline that's covering Gary Busey in a public library.

That's all I got, so here's some more pictures of this freak-a-zoid.

There's No Need To Worry. You're All Losing Your Jobs

Now that the Patriots-Colts game is over, the WWL is telling me that it's OK to recognize that there are other sports out there.

What you might have missed during the past few days:
1. Navy beat Notre Dame
2. The Fabulous Moolah died
3. The guy from Hang Time is still coaching the Kings
4. The Bulls want more power forwards

Only a few days removed from trying to put down the Kobe-to-Chicago trade rumors, the Bulls are once again looking to make everyone on the roster nervous with the new rumor that the team will pursue Elton Brand, the LA Clippers' injured franchise star who becomes a free agent in the off-season. If this were to actually happen, it would likely take place in a sign-and-trade deal so Brand could get the largest contract possible and the Clippers could get something in return for losing their one star.

Since Chicago is a team of cheap youngsters like Joakim Noah and Ben Gordon, such a deal would be attractive to the Clippers, who are notoriously frugal. For those five of you who immediately jumped on the bandwagon and bought Clippers jerseys and hats, you've been had. Quite obviously that Clippers playoff win was something that comes just as often as Haley's Comet. Might I recommend the Celtics? A Ray Allen jersey and one of those pink Red Sox hats would be just great for you.

Chris Kaman's Hair, R.I.P. / Welcome Faux Hawk Skull

Earlier this month, I was awoken by a late night phone call from Black and Blue Jordan. My partner in crime was sobbing profusely and was so distraught that he couldn't form a complete sentence. The only words I could discern were 'boilermaker' and 'coach from Hang Time.' It took me until the next day to figure out that he was yammering about Brad Miller's cornrows. "The season's peaked! We'll have nothing hair-related to write about now!" he said.

Unfortunately, not so.

Without so much a Sports Center 2-hour special, Chris Kaman's hair has been shorn.

"My mom doesn't like it, and I like my mom. I won't bring it back. Sorry."

I had no idea, but Kaman looks funnier without the handful of locks that allegedly took over 2 years to grow. The shape of his dome seems to have a built-in crest, vaulting him into direct competition with David Beckham to see who has the best faux hawk in LA.