Choose Your Own Adventure THF Style!

News that flew under the radar this week was that Sonics chairman, Clay Bennett, is willing to leave behind the team name, logo, colors and history after it's certain move to Oklahoma City in order to try and retain some shred of integrity. Logically, this means that the franchise will have to come up with an entirely new name, logo, and color set. Since I'm always a fan of cut-and-paste, I'm going to get the ball rolling a little early with 5 options Oklahomans/Oklahomaers (what is the proper word for someone from Oklahoma City btw?) might like.

1) Clay(s) - Taking a page from the Robert Johnson "How To Build A Middling Franchise" book, you could choose to name your team after your owner for no reason but vanity. You don't need to choose any crazy color schemes; just throw George Costanza-esque Body Suit Man unitards on the players and they're a shockingly revealing, yet aerodynamic troupe. You wouldn't even need a mascot, just a pile of mud...which would be used to female wrestling matches during halftime.

2) 5 Diamonds - In honor of this blog's favorite call girl to the governor, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, I present the Oklahoma City 5 Diamonds. They don't possess the gaudy highlight film athletic abilities of the 7 Diamonds, but they still push the ball hard, spread you out in the half court, and then pound it inside with the big man. They know how to have sex for money is what I'm saying. Naturally, all of the franchise history will be made up, but this will only help in assuring its fans that this is a classy operation. Also, tickets will cost in excess of $4,000 per quarter. Don't ask any questions, just leave the money on the night stand and relax.

3) 66'ers - *I'm actually being kind of serious here!* Oklahoma City grew to prominence partly because of having the famous Rte. 66 pass through it. That's all that's worth mentioning when it comes to Oklahoma City anyways. It would be in poor taste to bring up the bombing in '95 (but not hookers and men in flesh-colored unitards) so this is all that's left. That or you could embrace the blandness and homogeneity and name the team "The Oklahoma City Whole Lotta White Folk!"

4) Bible Thumpers - Oh yeah, I totally forgot Oklahoma is a red state! This is trendy considering that the election is coming up. Acknowledging that God is on this team's side will prove to be a difference maker when attracting big time stars to the Ninth Circle of Hell/adorable Midwest. No need to go far when looking for logos. Just choose the retired logo of the XFL's Memphis Maniax.


5) Funk - If the team from Utah can call itself the Jazz, then Oklahoma City can call itself something just as ludicrous.

11 Player Deal Makes Everyone Forget Who Is On Seattle, Cleveland, and Chicago

Yowza!

In the wake of THF writer G.L. Rawx's prediction that there wouldn't be any more trades before the deadline today, the Sonics, Cavs and Bulls decided to trade about a bajillion guys.

Here's how it breaks down from a technical standpoint:

-The Cavs get Ben Wallace, Joe Smith, Delonte West, Wally's Szczerbiak, and the Bull's 2nd rounder.

-The Bulls get Larry Hughes, Drew Gooden, Cedric Simmons, Shannon Brown

-The Sonics get Ira Newble, Donyell Marshall, Adrian Griffin.

Now here's how it breaks down from a casual NBA fan's standpoint:

-Cleveland got a 33-year old Wallace, who is averaging 5 points and 8 rebounds, and his bloated contract. The missing championship link? I don't think even he believes that anymore. As for the rest, Delonte West isn't a bad pickup...but I am REALLY excited about Wally's World being on Cleveland. The same guy who basically made KG's life a living hell by bungling plays and singlehandedly lost games for Seattle will now be doing the same to King James. I can't wait to watch how this goes down. I shudder in advance for Cavs fans.

-The Bulls added guards number 500 and 501 to their roster by getting Hughes and Shannon Brown, but also got some big man help in Drew Gooden and Cedric Simmons. To be honest, I have absolutely no clue if there was really any plan that went into this move on the Bulls part. The trade probably just went down like this:

Bulls: "Hey Cavs. We want to rid ourselves of Ben Wallace at any cost. That whole huge contract thing was our bad. We really don't care how this deal goes down. You fill in the blanks, take and give who you want, and call us in the morning."

-As for the Sonics, I guess I'd have to say they were the winners in this whole thing just because they traded away Wally's World. If they think they've one-up the Grizzlies in the "we're going to dump salary at any cost" contest, they need to take a look at how Gasol is doing on the Lakers and think again. No one ruins their fanbase like the Grizz.

I'd comment more on this, but 11 player deals make my head hurt after a while. Let's just say that despite the hype it is likely none of these teams will sniff a championship after this and call it a night.

Spurs Get In Under the Gun

At the close of the deadline, I'm proud of our Association GM's. We're always complaining about how no one has the balls to make moves (Otis Smith), but we've seen some pretty nice movement this season. I think it's fairly safe to say (is it ever safe?) that we're not going to see much more if anymore dealing before the 3PM deadline, but last night we saw the Seattle Storm trade the coveted 4th pick in the WNBA draft to the Detroit Shock for the dominant perennial all star Swin Cash San Antonio Spurs deal a Bazooka Joe comic Fransisco Elson, Brent Barry, and their 2009 first round draft pick to the Seattle Supersonics for veteran (35 years old? Really?) C/F Kurt Thomas.

Like Ruben Studdard's recording contract, this deal is minimal, but has some sort of impact for someone somewhere. Elson and Barry's deals are expiring, so the Sonics are getting significant cap room for offseason dealings, and coupled with the trade exemption cash they got for Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis they should do well with that. But really, the deal gets done mainly for San Antonio's 2009 first round pick. I get that Seattle's blowing it up, but are you hoping that you can get a guy who can come in and play now with a super late first round pick? I know a boy can dream but damn Sam Presti, that's some dream. The only feasible explanation I can see for them being excited about a pick like that is the ability to deal it somewhere else; they have 2 picks in the first round for the next 3 years, which is more than enough to make some selections as well as have some nice trade bait.

Thomas should see plenty of playing time with San Antonio, he fits right in with that veteran/journeyman mentality that seems to work so well with the Spurs (Michael Finley, Robert Horry, Jacque Vaughn, Damon Stoudamire, Bruce Bowen, damn who on your team isn't old!?!?!), he'll compete with Fabricio Oberto for the starting job (yes he may start), and will easily be able to contribute and help them win now. How much I'm not sure, but there were plenty of teams that were taking a good look at Kurt Thomas for themselves, so the rich get richer while Durant shoots more. Next stop Oklahoma City!

Finding The Truth Around The Trade Deadline

Every year is the same: the trade deadline winds up being a quagmire of lies, deception, and people yelling about Isiah Thomas helping other teams. This year, so far, seems to be no different (get on those phones, Isiah).

Thus, it is the duty of any self respecting journalist...and me too...to cut through the lies being thrown out there an have the truth shine through like the gold teeth on Flava Flav.

Here are some things I will put my stamp on as bonafide truths entering the "code red" time before the Feb 21 trade deadline. Please note that my stamp is worth approximately 1 cent and won't get any of your bulk mail across the country:

Truth #1: Sam Cassell won't be the latest old timer to hop on the Celtics Championship express.

This has less to do with the Celtics intolerance of alien-looking players and more to do with Sam Cassell putting the ki-bosh on Rajon Rondo's head.

Truth #2: Vince Carter's value right now is lower than...yes, no metaphor can even describe it anymore.

Recently I reported that Nets president Rod Thorn said Shaq was nearly useless in his opinion. Since then a source close to the process claimed that the Nets quietly tried to trade Vince Carter for Shaq. They both play about 1 good game a week, so I guess this would be fair. Still, for shame, Rod.

Truth #3: The Denver Nuggets are less concerned with winning and more interested in making their team an experiment to see whether enough crazy personalities will cause the team to spontaneously combust.

You'd think a team with George Karl, Allen "Talkin' Bout PRACTICE" Iverson, JR Smith, and Kenyon Martin would have enough fireworks to keep management on their toes. Word from Ron Artest's agent is that Denver really wants him, but Sacramento would likely not make the deal. For extra thrills, Denver management would like you to push them down a flight of stairs in a shopping cart.

Truth #4: Due to his lack of interest in playing and his knee injury, Jermaine O'Neal's stock is currently lower than dirt.

On a related note the Nets are looking to trade Vince Carter for him! I kid you not. Oh yeah, and Isiah Thomas now wants him more than ever. Can't I get any games here in New York other than Knicks and Nets games? Sigh.

Truth #5: In this trade-heavy world, no one will make you feel buyer's remorse like Wally's World.

The guy who seems to have the most horrible decision making skills in the NBA (on the court), and was part of the Ray Allen deal, called a timeout that the Sonics didn't have last night, essentially costing them the game against Phoenix. Meanwhile, somewhere KG just smiled, feeling free as a bird. Life without Wally will do that for you.

More trade deadline fun as the expiration date approaches!

Everyone's Got A Case Of The "Trade Me"s

Normally it's the TEAMS testing the trade waters with their players.

-Not so much anymore. Once the pinhole appeared in the dam with Fohawk model JJ Redick's agent making his urge to be traded public, it was only a matter of time before the rest of the dam broke.

Today there was a veritable cornucopia of players telling their teams to trade them.

Jerome James wants a change of scenery. Apparently that team isn't even good enough for a guy named "Big Snacks". How can you not forsee good things for a player once described as "the worst free-agent signing of the summer (and in the pantheon of all-time worst)"?

Jamal Crawford looks like he's "pulling a Jason Kidd", as those close to him are telling the world he wants a trade (including friend and writer Percy Allen), all while Jamal shrugs and says, "Who...me?" with an innocent smile. This does not bode well for Isiah Thomas' plans for the future. Someone's gotta breathe that depleted ozone air!

Devean George wants a trade too. He was that guy who used to be on the Lakers back when they were serious title contenders, remember? No, not that guy, the other guy. You know, on the bench? No, not Mark Madsen. He was sorta chubby and came in about 5 minutes a night for mop up duty? Not ringing any bells? Ah, forget it.

Gerald Green wants a trade. What I find to be the most interesting part of this story is that I read about Green wanting out of Minnesota on 5 different sites, and all referred to him as "Leaper Gerald Green". I guess he has been relegated to "that guy who was in the dunk contest" status, along with Nate Robinson and Brent Barry (Josh Smith only recently escaped, now a fantasy god). I'd hate this if I were Green, as it really is only a small typo from being "Leper Gerald Green".

Overall, if these guys are looking for sympathy they are looking at the wrong guy. I feel like getting a trade demand to go anywhere in the NBA requires some madcap antics, and they have not been going this route yet. Get caught with a prostitute, I say! Go tell the team owner that he smells like the clearance section of Dress Barn! Better yet, I have the perfect idea:

Oh wait...it appears someone already did it. Everyone run! Apparently Rasheed's going to demand a trade!

The White Guy Report: Who Wants Another One?

According to the Seattle Times, the Supersonics have been shopping point guard, Luke Ridnour, around to teams that might be in need of a floor general that can become a key piece "to a championship puzzle."

I had no idea that a guy who shares his time with Earl Watson can be so highly regarded. And wasn't Ridnour invited to compete for a spot on the Olympic team only to be beat out by Kirk Hinrich, who has been shooting a scorching 39% from the field this year?

So who's got the guts to show that they really think they're another white guy away from a championship? Indy is a strong choice considering their massive trade last year to score all-time whiteys Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy, but I can't see Larry Legend buying into this "Pacers are world champs" BS.

My choice is Phoenix. They don't mind mortgaging the future when it comes to trades and they still sorely need a backup to Steve Nash that's not named Marcus Banks. With two first round picks and four in the second for the upcoming draft, I have no clue what the hell Seattle can possibly ask for in return. Maybe if its for a time machine to go back and never choose Robert Swift.

David Stern Bends The Fabric Of Space And Time To Screw Seattle

David Stern must read this site.

Not only is this the case because someone has been drunkenedly emailing the site lately, demanding round-the-clock Knicks coverage (as well as making odd references to his synthetic balls), but also because Stern's words today are in direct reference to us betting Seattle would get a franchise soon after the Sonics left like Charlotte did.

Today David Stern came out and said, "I too shit upon Seattle" by proclaiming from on top of a mountain that Seattle would be screwed long term if they allow the Sonics to leave. Apparently he was scorned by the city giving all of their money to their baseball and football franchises.

If there is one thing that I have learned as a 6 foot 5 guy, it is never...EVER...screw with a guy that has "short man's disease".

The best part of Stern's words? Apparently he will do everything possible to ensure that the city never has another NBA team for ALL OF ETERNITY. This time estimate comes directly from the article:

NBA commissioner David Stern warned Thursday that if the SuperSonics leave Seattle he sees no way the league would ever return to the city. "I'd love to find a way to keep the team there," he said, "because if the team moves, there's not going to be another team there, not in any conceivable future plan that I could envision, and that would be too bad."

2 years? That is bad.

10 years is even worse.

-But to say that he doesn't think a team will EVER return to Seattle is insane and somehow makes me respect David Stern more than ever before.

Obviously Stern has a plan in motion to somehow jump through time to police the NBA in the future, much like the television show "Quantam Leap" or the movie "Time Cop" with Van Damme. I envision an apocolyptic land of the future, where terrorists have blown up half of the world and criminals run everything. Sure, people might get killed and beaten and hundreds of thousands will lose their lives (no doubt as a result of the Future Dragons, which shoot lasers out of their eyes)...but on the bright side there will never be an NBA team in Seattle with David Stern around.

This thought lets me sleep better at night.

On the other hand, I could be completely wrong. There also exists the chance that David Stern is The Highlander.

Breaking News: Seattle Gets Shat Upon

I don't know if this is really breaking news as we all knew it was coming for some time now, but the Sonics announced they are going to be moving to Oklahoma City. Oklahoma is best known for that piss poor musical (Yeah, I said it. Wanna fight, ancestors of Rodgers and Hammerstein?) The people of Seattle now officially have their Art Modell in Clayton Bennett (shown below) that they can hate while drinking mocha frappucinos.

It's tough to have your team stolen by a selfish owner, but even harder when his eyes appear to be askew like James Lipton.

I feel bad for the people in Seattle, who really are some great fans. They support their baseball team, although that franchise is run by people who must be blindfolded. The Seahawks fans also show support for their ever-underachieving franchise, somehow rooting for a team that lists D.J. Hackett as a part of their core. Good luck with that.

Now the Sonics get Durant, the sun is finally shining for the first time since Payton was on the team, and they get taken away.

Can I be first to predict that Seattle, a major market, will get awarded an NBA franchise sometime in the next 5 years like Charlotte was? Is that allowed or is it way too obvious? I eagerly await the next incarnation of a silly-named team like the Bobcats, which I'm hoping is Wombat-related.

Were You Drunk And In Costume? Here's Your Opening Night Recap

THE NBA SEASON IS HERE...YOU KNOW...FOR ALL THE TEAMS NOW!

We had lot of questions this offseason that needed answering:

1) Is Cleveland really going to be THAT bad this season?

2) Do the Magic have a legitimate shot at being a contender this year?

3) Are the Nets done?

4) Will this be the season the Spurs finally look beatable?

5) Will Kevin Durant ever pass?

If last night's exciting opening night was any indication, we were on the road to getting them answered:

1) Yes

2) Yes
3) No

4) Yes

5) Durant: "Passing? Is that like shooting at another person and not at the hoop? Never heard of it."

Let's start with the game that everyone was hyping the most: Cavs vs Mavs. This game was over in the first quarter as Dallas outscored Cleveland by 14 early on. After that, it was one titanic stomach-churning realization that this Cavs team will be on television every waking hour and are really awful to watch when Lebron isn't hitting his shots. Mavs won 92-74.

The game yours truly was watching (I did my Halloween partying this past Saturday) was the Magic-Bucks. A revamped Magic team playing against the biggest question mark in the league in Yi was too good to pass up. This game actually was back and forth until the 3rd quarter, when the Magic hit almost everything they threw up from the three point line and lept from being down 1 to being up by 20. Rashard looked amazing, the Magic demolished the Bucks, and the Orlando looked like a team befitting being called THF's pick to win the Southeast. In the end Magic won 102-83.

They may have sat up angrily from their recliners and yelled at the neighborhood kids for being on their lawn, but the Nets still have what it takes as they played the Bulls well. They played an extremely good game against the team every sportswriter in the world picked for Eastern Conference champ this year in the Bulls. Memo to the sportwriters: If the team is making a wacky attempt to get Kobe Bryant, they aren't sold on their roster being good enough. As Ron Burgandy said, "It's science." Nets won in overtime, 112-103.

As for the routine killer of NBA ratings (Which I proudly contribute to. They are boring as hell), the Spurs had the new-look Grizzlies gave them a run for their money last night. Memphis is a hot team to pick this year for getting back to the playoffs given their new coach in Mike Iavaroni, a healthy Pau Gasol, and the grooming of promising picks Rudy Gay and Mike Conley. Sure enough they looked pretty good out there and had a lead at the end of the game. That Grizzly with the glowing yellow eyes got into their minds and told them to keep fouling Ginobili at the end, a huge no-no. Darko looked like a turd out there tonight. Spurs won 104-101.

In the late game, it was time to view the THF pick for Rookie Of The Year and All-Emaciated Team Member in Kevin Durant's Sonics against the Nuggets. For fantasy basketball teams, he had a pretty good all around night, but for anyone watching the game it was quickly learned that Durant does not like passing. Even the sportscasters were saying, "He's trying to do it all himself, and doesn't seem to realize that involves getting his teammates the ball." FINALLY, what we were waiting for. As Jesus was the physical manifestation of God's love (or something like that), Kevin Durant appears to be the physical manifestation of TMac's "It's on ME!" speech. Man, I love the NBA. Nuggets won 120-103

As for the rest:

Raptors beat the 76ers 106-97: Bargnani looked great, TJ Ford's back reports no problems, 76ers lose their first of what will be 80 straight games.

Pacers beat the Wizards 119-110 in OT: Agent Zero hits a buzzer beater three to send this game into overtime, but the Wiz still can't overcome Caron Butler's attempts to lose this game for them (He had 8 turnovers).

Hornets beat the Kings 104-90: Those 3 people watching this one were treated to Chris Paul shredding Sactown for 22 points and 12 assists. Sorry, Brad...the cornrows were not good luck.

Happy Halloween From The Howeva Files!!!!

EVERYONE GET OUT YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!

Sonics Fans Fall To The Ground, Sobbing With Relief

Sonics fans across America cleaned their collective undies with a smile yesterday as they found out that Kevin Durant's injury won't be serious.

Kevin Durant had hurt himself by landing awkwardly on Marco Belinelli's foot in a game, causing about 50% of the Sonics fan base to hold their breath and hope that they weren't in the same boat that Blazers fans were with Greg Oden's injury. -The other 50% of fans were native Seattle folk who just gave the finger and said if the team was moving they couldn't really give a shit.

This brings to mind the age-old question about whether Kevin Durant's skinny frame is prone to getting injured in the rough NBA. Durant's official playing weight is 225, but we think this number HAD to be inflated by drinking gallons of water before the weigh in like that fat guy on The Biggest Loser (I haven't seen that many fat people angry at one of their own since Star Jones got her weight sucked out of her and began looking like Skeletor).

Durant (or "Starvin' Marvin, as I like to call him) is MAYBE 25 pounds...perhaps less. While this could spell long term trouble if he wants to be a night-in-night-out starter for the Sonics, he could be okay for a while since there are a few other emaciated, sickly looking players in the NBA who stay healthy:

PRESENTING THE NBA ALL-EMACIATED SQUAD

Headlining the All-Emaciated squad is one-meal-a-month and owner-of-the-80-year-old-guy's-body Tayshaun Prince. There is rarely a moment that fans can look at the screen without worrying that he will just collapse on the floor and begin eating a referee's shoe for nourishment. -Still, Prince managed to be one of the few players to play all 82 games last year. He also plays a high contact game that his body type helps him in since his elbows are sharp as ginsu knives.

Next is Jamal Crawford, who looks like a lollipop due to his sickly frame and bulbous head. Despite driving to the lane quite a bit, Crawford has also had a surprisingly healthy career, missing significant time last year after years of playing in almost all of the games. We are not sure of the secret to his success, but players at MSG are conditioned well by rapidly fleeing daily contact with Isiah Thomas that could result in lawsuits.

Topping off the list is Mr. Kirilenko, a man I like to call "The Scarecrow" for his body type. While he has been knocked around with injuries quite a bit in the past few years, he still made it his first 3 years relatively unscathed before his body crumpled up like an ant in the sun. When his body realized its limitations, his mind appeared to do so as well with crying to reporters and trade demands lately. We'd feel bad for him, but fuck him...his pop star wife lets him have sex with another woman once a year.

Looking at this list, one thing differs between Durant and the other skinny guys: He is supposed to be carrying his team. Prince, Crawford, and Kirilenko have the advantage of being supporting players so the abuse on their body will probably be less. Whether or not a skinny star can live up to the abuse of double teams and intentional fouls is an interesting experiment that we will be watching with labcoats and clipboards.

For now, we will sit by and cheer on our favorite Sonic, Starvin' Marvin.