We Tell You What To Watch: Week of April 7 - 14

To recap last week:
3) The Canadian free fall continues and New Jersey still has hopes of being a playoff team. Sadly, it's a lot like how your dorky friend in high school has hopes that the hot chick who talked to him for 3 seconds wants to date him.

2) All my predictions of a Sasha Vujacic beat down failed to come through, but it still was a weird game with Barry Bonds sitting courtside next to the Maloof Bros. Unsurprising quote of the night: "I love Barry Bonds." ~ Ron Artest

1) Time to get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown because Utah was on this like a donkey eating a waffle. 90 - 64, Utah. Ugh.

Since there is a lack of Jack Bauer cutting off people's thumbs right now, here's some games that should be just as exciting:

3) Celtics at Wizards (Wednesday, April 9, ESPN)

The Celtics have beaten every team in front of them this season, but have yet to face the fury that is Gilbert. You can't control him! The man checks himself in whenever he wants! Aren't we all glad we'll be seeing more of him in the playoffs?


2) Hornets at Lakers (Friday, April 11)

Even though the Lakers are a little bruised and broken, they are still chasing that championship dream. New Orleans is still trying to prove that they're going to be a true contender, despite their best player being their point guard. Since we're talking about Chris Paul, I have problems with that ad he's in that's played all the time during the NCAAs where it's message that there are no Cinderellas. Showing clips of Jimmy V's NC State is great, but I'm pretty sure MJ's Tar Heels weren't exactly long-shots. They did have Worthy and Perkins leading the charge. Get your head out of your ass, Jumpman!

1) Memphis Tigers vs. Kansas Jayhawks (Monday, April 7)

Besides the race in the West, the rest of the regular season is pretty boring. I mean, even Pat Riley is skipping it to watch draft prospects. There's no NBA games on Monday, and there's good reason. College basketball is now a joke, but it's still fun to watch for the draft prospects and argue how you think they'll turn out at the next level. Player to watch: Derrick Rose. I'm going to count the amount of times he's pushed the ball over the half court line before any other teammates have caught up.

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of April 1 - 6

To recap the last week:
Baseball season is quickly upon us. I'm desperately trying to keep calm and not reach for the razor blades in the drawer at the sound of Karl Ravech's voice.

Here's some great games to help you forget that your framed Mister Mister album above your bed is telling you to do things.

3) Raptors at Nets (Saturday, April 5)

Last year, this was as interesting as an opening round Eastern Conference playoff series could be. A year later, Toronto has been sputtering and stalling, yet will fall ass-backwards into a playoff spot. Meanwhile, Philly of all teams is actually on a roll and will likely overtake the Raptors and maybe even the still-Gilbertless Wizards. New Jersey is trying to say that they're at least better than Atlanta. Oh man, but aren't we glad that we've got Vinsanity locked up for a billion years and that the new stadium is going to be so pretty!

2) Lakers at Kings (Sunday, April 6)

Things have mostly been quiet this season when it comes to the Tru Wariar, Ron Artest, since Sacramento has been out of the picture for the while. There's still some time left for him to make some noise by clotheslining Kobe, or at the very least, Sasha Vujacic.

1) Spurs at Jazz (Friday, April 4, ESPN)

Mehmet "Teen Wolf" Okur is back as the Jazz are fine tuning themselves for another post-season run and the defending champs have looked beatable all year despite currently sitting in the second seed slot. It's another one of those games that, depending upon how you look at it, means everything or absolutely nothing. It's not like there's any wrinkles both teams are trying to hide from the opposition at this point, so they might as well go all out. Just gotta cross your fingers that you don't blink when Manu's got the ball and that Boozer's thigh doesn't explode from too much HGH. All I know is that I have joygasms every time I watch Deron Williams play.

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of March 25 - April 1

To recap the last week:
My bracket is totally blown. I always forget that college basketball is such a cruel bitch that it even will make Derrick Coleman cry.

Here's some great games to help you get over your depression.

3) Wizards at Lakers (Sunday, March 30)

Gilbert Arenas was supposed to return to action this past Sunday, but that plan was nixed by the medical staff, thus only fueling my and Agent Zero's rage. I will not calm down until cocaine has entered my system and Gil is predicting 50 point games. I HAVE A DEMON INSIDE OF ME!

2) Clippers at Mavericks (Tuesday, March 25)

I'm pretty sure we've seen this movie before: A Texan team is battling for a playoff seeding when their best player (who is foreign and has weird facial hair) goes down with a devastating injury, which all but assures they'll miss the post-season. Heroically, the remaining members band together and go on a historically long winning streak. It could happen again, right? Jason Kidd still is on this team and it's his bread and butter to take garbage and get it through to the second round!

1) Cavaliers at 76ers (Sunday, March 30)

A possible preview of a first round playoff match-up! Is each team going to give its all to get the W or play it close to the vest to keep an advantage come playoff time? Will Samuel Dalembert eat anything? Does anyone else notice that Andre Miller is having a career year and Denver might not even make the playoffs? Is there anything more to Mike Brown other than his glasses? Too many story lines that will never be discussed.
*I'm so tired of LeBron pix that I'll just apologize now for putting up a photo of Black and Blue's old college roommate. Notice the Brady Quinn/caveman appearance, but know this: He can walk through walls, conduct the Gladiator soundtrack to exchange students, is a world-class swimmer with his floaties on and is the shit when watching Dragonball Z in the dark wearing a leather jacket and vampire sunglasses*

We Tell You What To Watch: Week Of March 17-23

To recap last week's games of the week:
3) David West apparently means a lot to New Orleans since the Hornets were able to blow out the Spurs once he returned.
2) I'm still unsure why Shaq even suited up for this one, but the Suns pulled it out by hitting 50% of their threes against Golden State.
1) Houston is now everyone's darlings as they're still riding their winning streak after having beaten the Robert Johnsons and Lakers this weekend.

It would be foolish to overlook the NBA in favor of the NCAAs this week! Here's what's on tap:

3) Lakers at Jazz (Thursday, March 20, TNT)

Andrew Bynum was supposed to only be out 8 weeks, but now the tentative return date is in mid/late April. Now Gasol is out with a bum ankle. That's not good when you're in the hunt for a good playoff seed. Utah is getting healthier and is gearing up for another long playoff run. Give your girlfriends your lamest excuses to make it to the bar to see Kobe drop a billion.

2) Spurs at Mavericks (Sunday, March 23, ABC)

So what is Jason Kidd to Dallas after 14 games? Apparently, he's their three-point specialist, shooting at a 57.1% clip. That's not really his game, but Sunday is his 35th birthday and there would be no better time for him to have his coming out party than on national TV against the world champs. If that doesn't happen, you can at least be wowed by Ginobili.

1) Celtics at Rockets (Tuesday, March 18, TNT)

The Rockets have been kind of lucky during this streak due to injuries and suspensions to their opponents' best players and if Pierce and Garnett can't play, I expect a full investigation. Every game is a playoff game in the West and Boston better get their game in order if they want to compete after waltzing through the East all year. The Rockets are making the regular season as interesting as possible, so you better tune in.

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of March 10-15

Gotta apologize for the lack of output the last week, but the flu is a bitch. Seriously, I feel and look like this. As I was drifting in and out of consciousness on the couch yesterday it occurred to me that I still couldn't be happier because football and baseball are out of season, leaving nothing but basketball to dominate the airwaves. Also, Elisha Cuthbert helps too.

Without further ado, here's the top three games of the week!

3) Robert Johnsons at Rockets (Friday, March 14th)

I don't think Houston has realized that it is not supposed to win anymore and that Tracy McGrady should be whining about taking time off to deal with his feelings again. They'll likely be riding a surreal 20-game win streak coming into Friday. Currently, the Robert Johnsons (aka BOBcats) are on a 5-game win streak of their own after giving more playing time to younger players who give a damn. Something has got to give.

2) Warriors at Suns (Thursday, March 13th, TNT)

After yesterday's win, everyone's quickly saying that the acquisition of Shaq isn't looking so bad after all. All that talk will go to hell after this game. Either Shaq's going to relegated to the bench or his fat ass will be lumbering minutes behind every play. Phoenix runs its offense quickly, but the backcourt of Baron Davis and Monte Ellis is even quicker. The Warriors are certainly gearing up for another post-season run after winning 6 of their last 7. Depending on your perspective and rooting interests, this will be a car crash or a delight.


1) Spurs at Hornets (Wednesday, March 12th)

As evidenced by losses against Washington and Houston, the Hornets have been sputtering since David West went down with a sprained ankle. West is scheduled to return on Wednesday and the team is hoping to regain its rhythm before they end up with a crappy seeding. Too bad their up against Manu, the best player ever to wear braces.

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of March 3-9

Lots of fun games coming up this week, and with our fancy new shortened name, we figured there was no better time to break out a new weekly staple: WE TELL YOU WHAT TO WATCH. We'll begin every week with a glance at the top 3 games to watch and their oh-so-fun storylines. It's sort of like the Sporting News' "On Deck" Column, but with less actual info and more photos of Megan Fox (Maxim says she can only cook Hot Pockets and Eggo Waffles. HOT!)

Without any futher ado, here's our top 3 for this week:

3) Cavs at Knicks (Wednesday March 5th):

Knicks to Stephon: "-AND NEVER COME BACK!...So, uh, you coming to tonight's game?"

Remember that crazy ban the Knicks put on Stephon Marbury last Friday? Yep, 'tis gone. The Knicks invited the guard to their home game on Monday with super short notice, and Isiah actually ran away when asked if there were any restrictions on what Marbury could say. We figure this time around Marbury will have some time to actually show up, and will probably drop some f-bombs for the kids. Anything that happens on the court is just icing on the cake.

2) Rockets at Mavs (Thursday March 6th, TNT):

Assuming they beat the hapless Pacers on Wednesday night (we'll go out on a limb and say they win it unless Travis Diener starts...the man is 87 pounds of pure fury), the Rockets will be looking to extend their winning streak to 17 games when they face the Mavs. This game will probably break some sort of record for amount of times a guy's injury is mentioned. We suggest you watch it on mute, folks.

1) GAME OF THE WEEK: Spurs at Suns (Sunday March 9th, ABC):

This game will be sort of like a limbo contest because at this point it's all about "How low will the Suns go?!" I'd be more proud to say that I called Steve Kerr singlehandedly ruining the Suns chances at a championship if every other person on the planet didn't silently predict the same thing. Notice to NBA owners: former players do not equal smart businessmen. These people buy cars with night vision as investments!

MUST MISS OF THE WEEK: Bobcats at Timberwolves (Tuesday, March 4th):

The Bobcats are 4-22 on the road. The Wolves are 12-46 TOTAL. Something's gotta give. -We think it will be our stomachs.