New Stuff Happened!

Hey hey hey readers,

Lots of new stuff to discuss!

First and foremost, we created a brand new site entitled "ZOMBIES CAN DUNK. COM"!
ZCD is related to all sports, not just basketball, and is more for our goofy sides regarding sports writing. It also will have live Twitter updates, reader contests, and be updated extremely often. Yippee!

The Howeva Files also got a revamp, with a new logo, new text fonts, and new sponsors. We will still be bringing you that irreverent and pointless basketball news humor that you have grown to know and love. We will also get Ron Artest drunk and writing for us sometime soon we hope.

Thus, now you poor bastards have twice the drivel to sift through. Your welcome!

You Spell Genius "C-U-B-A-N"

Every so often, a story comes along in the NBA that actually requires little to no input from me.  The story just comments on itself.

This is one of those times.

Click HERE,  enjoy the read, and have fun shaking your head.

Boris Diaw Gains Some Weight

No that is not Boris Diaw above, but what an absolutely AMAZING photo.

Boris Diaw, owner of the "Boris Diaw Face"*, must be having some fantastic offseason.

Larry Brown spoke out today, saying, "Obviously Boris is way out of shape."  Then he added, "He's running foul line to foul line right now, which is understandable."  -This being in reference to Boris sitting on his butt after hurting his ankle.  Obviously, while resting that ankle he was getting fitness advice from Raiders QB Jamarcus Russell.  

You can just picture Larry Brown, sitting and rubbing his temples with frustration as a Bam Bam Bigelow-sized Boris Diaw sweats while tying his shoelaces.  Diaw, always the consummate Frenchman, must be dipping his fries into mayo, because it wasn't like the guy was in fantastic shape anyways at the end of last season.  I can only hope that this continues, because a sitcom where Larry Brown has to get Boris Diaw in shape would be ratings gold.

*The "Boris Diaw Face" is an expression derived from Boris' overly smug team profile photos.  The face, without words, tells women, "Suck my ****".  For this reason, the phrase can be heard being used in social circles, for example: "How into me was she?  All I would have had to do was give her the Boris Diaw Face and she would have been all over me!".

For more information, please see below:

THF To Be Back In Full Force Next Week

Howdy, howdy, howdy.  Above is a pic from the fjords in Norway.  Yours truly is still on a whirlwind trip for business, making stops in Norway, Cannes, and London.  THF will be back in full force upon my return in around a week, so stay tuned.  There is a lot of excitement afoot, with a site redesign in the works, new developments, and way, way more in the way of cheerleader pics (which trumps everything else, frankly).  I'll think of you all fondly as I cruise the fjords of Norway, battling vikings and trolls.  

In the meantime, just a post to get that freaky Mark Cuban photo off of the site.  That is the stuff of nightmares right there.

-Black and Blue Jor

Cuban Is A Gem

Mark Cuban came out today and spoke about the Shawn Marion acquisition. Whenever Mark Cuban speaks it is like an antagonistic pile of slop that is nonetheless extremely entertaining. -Something he got from Donald Trump and gave to Spencer Pratt (it's like an asshole family tree). I can't even imagine working my entire life, training day in and day out, only to have some fat pile of parted-haired poo criticize me while he gets turned down by Hooters waitresses.

Anyhoo, back to Cuban speaking out, it was mostly pretty nice this time. HOWEVA, with such a jerk you have to take a magnifying glass and identify the bits of jackass in his statement.

For instance, Cuban says,

"Just as importantly, Shawn hears and reads everything saying he struggled. He wants to prove everyone wrong, which i think is a beautiful thing."

In short, Cuban here is saying, "Just in case anyone forgets, I'm going to pay very, very special attention to the criticism people have been heaping on this guy by calling him out on it. Hopefully he will take my jerky reminding and use it as an incentive to play better." It's like a guy telling a girl, "I don't care that everyone calls you a smelly, filthy cow...I love ya."

Seriously, someone deck this guy. Hopefully it makes him say more and then I have more to write! Yay, everyone wins!

The Nets Stadium's 18th Possible Design

The Nets unveiled what looks like the final design for their new "will it or won't it happen" Brooklyn stadium today.  Since I have trouble with flash images and am too lazy to learn, to check it out, paste the link below into your browser:

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/09/new-design-unveiled-for-atlantic-yards-arena/?scp=1&sq=barclays%20center&st=cse

If you are like me, you think the thing looks like a giant fat beetle.  After games, I can imagine this thing scurrying up Brendan Fraser's leg like it did in The Mummy.

That this stadium looks like a beetle is not to say that it is bad.  I applaud this new design BECAUSE it looks so different and weird.  Brooklyn, unlike Manhattan, is devoid of many iconic eye-catching buildings.  It is a maze of warehouses, apartment buildings, parks, and coffee shops and it lacks that one thing that will make tourists say, "I HAVE to go to Brooklyn while I am in town to see THIS!"  Right now, as a New Yorker, I can tell you the current structure filling that description is the only Target in the area.  This building will at least make people want to look like the gigantic insect no doubt hiding out in David Stern's thick shell of a body (Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith should be alerted to his whereabouts).

To make matters even better, Barclays is sponsoring it.  For those of you not in the know, Barclays is the enormous conglomerate that sponsors the ENTIRE LEAGUE of English soccer...er..."football".  There, it is the "Barlays Premier League.  That's like a company sponsoring the NFL (I like the sound of "Trojan Brand Latex National Football League).

With all of these posts about the Nets recently, they are going to be one hell of a strange team to watch in the coming years.  Jay Z...don't quit your day job.

Nets Jerseys Are The Village Bicycle

We've already reported that the Nets will start giving out free jerseys for opposing teams this upcoming season, something that will no doubt help attendance in the short term and hurt the team's fanbase in the long term.  Now, the Nets are doing their best to top that.

According to multiple sources, the Nets will start putting advertising on their practice jerseys.  Unfortunately it will not be the scantily-clad ladies of GoDaddy.com, but will be some company called PNY Technologies (which is likely pronounced "Punany").  I give it, oh let's say 1 whole year before the Nets' jerseys look like this:

I, personally, will wait to purchase the "Mellow Yellow" alternate jersey.

This is just the latest in a long line of gimmicks the Nets are chucking out there to get ANYONE to watch a team that lists Devin Harris, Courtney Lee, and Brook Lopez as its biggest stars. I don't know about you, but I am SUPER excited to see what they do next.  Zombie Drazen Petrovic Theme Night can't be far off (too soon?)  

Somewhere Vince Carter is watching this and thanking God he got out of Jersey.  -Well, watching for a short while until he spots a bird out his window and tries to chase it (the guy has A.D.D, people.)

J-Will Cometh...Backeth From Retirementeth

Just got back from Key West, where I had no internet (just drinks and ladies wearing very, very little) so glancing at the very first news to grace my eyes I was entertained. The Magic signed someone whose antics I have loved for a very long time:



Yes, that's right. J-Will signed with the Magic. The Magic, as you know, play in Orlando, a town so incredibly goofy and glitzy that it could be just the thing to awaken that old player Jason was on the Kings. -NOT the schlub Hubie Brown tamed into being, you know, a "good player", but the guy who was worth paying the price of admission to just play streetball and goof off. Sure, his passes often rocketed into the stands, costing his team valuable points during 4-on-1 fast breaks, but goddamn it he was fun to watch. If the Magic do wind up using him as a 3rd string PG, he BETTER be entertaining, because he isn't worth playing much otherwise.

Welcome back from retirement J-Will. Now it's time to un-retire the bounce-off-the-elbow pass.

Olympiakos Is Pissing Me Off

It was only just last week that I thought to myself how highly effective bench players, Linas Kleiza and Von Wafer (who's crotch is being whistled at by Sasha here), were yet unsigned and likely to not cash in on as much money as they probably hoped. But of course, I had not considered that the Greek team, Olympiakos, has been lusting after NBA sixth-man talent like dorks at Comic-Con for the chance to stand next to the bike from Tron (which in retrospect is a horrible movie by the way. It's similar to how you remember Johnny Quest to be a cool show but then watch an episode now and realize it's crap).

Considering that Wafer will be making more than 600% than he made last year and will be in Greece instead of crappy NBA cities like Charlotte, Minnesota or Oklahoma City, I am overcome with envy followed by relief knowing that at least I don't have to pretend to not be staring at Josh Childress' nasty teeth.

And as for Kleiza (seen here smoking an invisible cigarette)? I'm more sad to see him go for the soul reason that he played, like Ginobili early in his NBA career, in a manner that said he had no idea that he wasn't the best player on his own team.

Ugh, I Knew This Wouldn't Be Easy

As quickly as I had decided to finally get NBA Live 10, I heard that NBA 2K10 (widely considered to be a vastly superior NBA gaming franchise) was finally going to be released for the PSP. The PSP, dear reader, is the retardedly backwards gaming system I frequent because I travel a lot.

Well, there ya go. Decision made. Done and done.

Then, a reader sent me this image of the NBA 2K10 cover this year:

Kobe Bryant. The same Kobe Bryant that single-handedly (okay Trevor Ariza and Gasol helped a tad) beat my Orlando Magic in the finals this past year. The same Kobe Bryant that used "I like to have extremely rough sex in which I choke girls behind my wife's back" as his DEFENSE in a court case.

To further complicate things, here is the NBA Live 10 cover:

Because this cover is so mighty, the whole thing doesn't even fit on this site. In it, Dwight Howard is saying, "This cover is so amazing, I'm going to go offscreen and make myself a sandwich."

Sheesh. Could they have made it harder? Perhaps if NBA Live 10 put Megan Fox in an Orlando Magic jersey, surfing on a surfboard and blowing away zombies, while NBA 2k10 put the faces of every ex-girlfriend I've had.

This whole thing will take some thought, and reviews from you guys will be crucial. In the meantime I will drink heavily and daydream of the aforementioned NBA Live 10 cover that I just designed.

2P Or Not 2P: That Is The Question, Mark Madsen

Mark Madsen, the insanely annoying rah-rah bench player on those championship Lakers teams we all hated, is a moron. -This we know. What we didn't know until recently was that he is a high-stakes purchaser of online sites, gambling that they will become big and he will reap the benefits.

Well, that plan backfired up his poop chute today when he tried to acquire P2P.com, which had been hacked and stolen from its original owner. Had Madsen not been jumping up and down and waving a yellow towel, he probably would have noticed something wrong when he bought the rights to the site on EBAY instead of doing silly things like signing a legally-binding contract. Note to Madsen: Don't invest your life savings in an email from a little-known prince from a small country who just needs your help to make it to America and bequeath his riches on to you. Give all that money directly to me and save time.

To just add more dirt onto the grave, here is Mark Madsen dancing on loop for 4 minutes straight. Oh the humanity!

Analysis: Chanandeler Bong For Okay-For

Today the Bobcats and Hornets swapped big bodies, sending Emeka Okafor to Nawlins and Tyson Chandler to the neon orange "place where careers die" entitled "Charlotte". I read about it on the coolest designed team site in the league, and immediately thought what all of you thought:

"The Bobcats are not going to take this whole "we're the worst-run organization in sports thing" from the Grizzlies lying down"

The Bobcats get an oft-injured center who the Hornets pretty much tried to toss into the garbage last year, and all they had to give up was their most promising big man who would certainly garner All Star attention if he didn't have that whole "I was drafted with Dwight Howard" thing hanging over his head. -Oh, and the neon orange mark of death on his jersey.

Seriously, at what point do fans just throw their hands up and say, "Screw this shit. They're not even trying to be competitive anymore." As a Marlins fan, I've seen the team unload its stars several times, but at least they did it intelligently and have fielded competitive teams every 6 years or so (if you go by the rule of 6, the Marlins should win the World Series again this season). The Bobcats, meanwhile, have made it obvious with this move that while the team is looking for new ownership they are bound to be in a quagmire of feces talent-wise.

So, here are some grades:

Hornets: B

The Hornets acquire a worthy big man to supplement the underrated (except for Chris Paul) talent on their team. All they had to give up was a player who was only on their team for failing a physical last season with another team.

Bobcats: W-

Chandler must be holding a gun to his head as I write this, looking at the prospect of being coached by Larry Brown and playing alongside such immense talent as Boris Diaw. Tough luck, kid.

Matt Barnes With The No-Look!

Matt Barnes has signed a two-year deal with the comically stacked Orlando Magic. It is his 800th team in 5 years. Matt Barnes is a guy who rarely is seen off the court in interviews, so despite his decent production he is not anywhere near a household name. It's a shame he isn't interviewed more, because he seems like an interesting personality. He is super kind, but has the insane tattoos of a brawler.

Maybe the reason he isn't interviewed more is his COMPLETE INABILITY TO LOOK AT THE PERSON INTERVIEWING HIM!



Come ON, Matt. I'm sure you saw somewhere that it looked cool to look off while you got interviewed, but this is just silly. It would have been great for the cameraman and interviewer to walk away after a question and just leave Matt talking to himself and looking off.

The Sporting News: Realistic NBA Rankings Go!

I love The Sporting News Magazine. It's one of the few pleasures I enjoy on the subway to work whilst a homeless guy pees on my shoes. I especially love Sean Deveney, who typically hits the nail on the head with his NBA analysis.

So, to my surprise, I was shocked to find something that was a bit off in Deveney's latest NBA article. I flicked the pee off of my shoes and examined closer. The article was about looking forward to next season, and ranking the teams from top to bottom ridiculously early.

I've attached the top 4 teams. See if there is something that looks a bit off to you:

Sporting News Early 2009-2010 NBA Rankings:

1) Lakers
2) Cavaliers
3) Wizards
4) Magic

The Wizards? Surely this had to be a misprint. I went online to SportingNews.com and checked. The online power rankings from indeed told a different story:

1) Lakers
2) Cavaliers
3) Trailblazers
4) Magic

This isn't AS batshit insane as the previous ranking, but still is solidly under the "batshit insane" monicker. The #3 spot in this article had to be some sort of fan write-in promotion. Add the fact that TheSportingNews.com spelled Sean's name wrong (Shawn...what were they THINKING?!) and you have what can only be described as "the complete and utter destruction of credibility". Feel free to disagree with me. I can only assume the homeless guy peeing on my shoes is a Wizards fan. He does sorta look like Flip Saunders.

Welcome To A Love Life With RJ, Ladies

I keep hearing from people that Richard Jefferson is a jerk in nice guy clothing.  There have been more than a few articles over the year saying the guy is a prima donna whiner who pisses off everyone in his locker room.  RJ has mastered the art of politics though, often appearing on talk shows with an "aw shucks" demeanor.  F that.

The New York Post is reporting that Spurs signee Richard Jefferson is now an officially documented jackass.  Apparently he left his girlfriend at the altar, ONE HOUR before the wedding, leaving his friends and family there waiting...not to mention the poor girl.  

The worst part?  The guy is such an ass that the girlfriend isn't even that shocked:

The would-be bride was stunned, but "not entirely caught off-guard" by Jefferson's unsportsmanlike conduct, according to a family friend.

Wow.  Now, THAT is pretty bad.  The guy must kill puppies in his spare time to have no one be surprised he would do such a thing.

Here's a fun little video of fellow Nets players hating RJ.  Enjoy!

Examining The Four Team Marion Dilly

I love how stoned-looking Marion is in that picture.

According to ESPN, a mind-bending four-team deal is on the verge of completion.  The deal would send Shawn Marion to Dallas, allow Toronto more money for Turk by pulling off a sign and trade, give the Grizzlies yet more money and cash to throw in the gutter, and give the Magic a 7 million dollar trade exception to go shopping in free agency.

So what do we think about it?  Hmmm...

Mavericks:  The Mavs, obviously, got the big name in the deal in Marion.  With resigning J-Kidd, their lineup suddenly looks pretty damn good with Kidd, Terry, Josh Howard, Marion, Nowitzki, and Nowitzki's crazy-ass girlfriend (notice I didn't mention Dampier.  -I'm trying to make a point that this team is GOOD).  Frankly, as much talk as there is of Marion being a "team cancer" and having a bad attitude, his abilities lift the Mavs up exponentially.  I have long wanted Marion on the Magic, and being part of this bizarre 4-way deal is as close as I'll likely ever get.

Raptors:  The Raptors were wise to be part of this trade because not only did they get Antoine Wright and Devean George, but they keep their $5.9 million trade exception.  Having this trade exception means that the Raptors have a valuable trading chip in free agency moves moving forward, or free up money to sign up Carlos Delfino.  With them sending out Marion and bringing in Turk, it also allows them to be more European and whiter, two things the Raptors and Jazz covet more than anything.

Grizzlies:  Honestly, any attempt for anyone to explain the reasons behind ANY Grizzlies moves is futile.  Here, it seems that the overwhelming thing that they get is the chance to buy out Jerry Stackhouse's contract and create cap space for the future.  -You know, to sign all of those free agents that can't wait to move to Memphis Tennessee and watch OJ Mayo throw up circus shots.

Magic:  The Magic were apparently the last second team that hopped in and allowed this trade to work, and looking at what they get it's shocking they were not involved from the start.  For, well...just letting Turk leave, they get a (reported) 7 million dollar trade exception.  They can use this money to add depth to their team or go after one more big name (David Lee?  Paul Milsap?  Dirk Nowitzki's girlfriend?).

At the end of the day, the trade helped everyone with the possible exception being the Grizzlies.  -Just the way every good trade should.

Boston Ups Its Jackass Quotient

Sheed, perhaps the least likeable player in the NBA since Kobe matured, is off to the team that many can argue is the least likeable team at the moment.  Yes, "Sir White Hair Spot" is off to Boston, giving them this ridiculous starting 5:

K. Garnett

R. Wallace

P. Pierce

R. Allen

R. Rondo

I'm curious when the vegas odds for favorites to win the NBA finals come out, because I will bet the house on that team.  Add in Kendrick Perkins and Eddie House, who both seriously matured in extended minutes during last year's playoffs, and this team is terrifying.

Ron-Ron to the Lakers and now this?  The talent in the NBA pool seems to be completely out of sorts lately.  Do you even watch this upcoming season if you are a fan of a team like the Bucks?  Okay, bad example.  -But even good teams like the Nuggets and Mavs suddenly look like they shouldn't even try against powerhouses like the Celtics, Lakers, Cavs and (should they get another quality free agent) the Magic.

Ah, who gives a crap.  It's the offseason.  Let's worry about that in three months time.  TIME FOR NUDE BEACH VOLLEYBALL!

Quick, Gimme Something That Rhymes With Grizzly...

...because Zach Randolph is on his way to Memphis in exchange for the guy who was once engaged to Brandy! Still don't get it? Let's revisit this famous quote from Randolph when he was a co-chairman of the Jail Blazers:

I'm not a Blazer, I'm a gangsta.

Genius....

PS: I think both players would be happy with their new homes. Q was going to be on a bad team anyway, but now he can lounge on the beach and bring back the double-fisted head bump to LA. And for Z-Bo? Well, Memphis will have all the ribs that he can shove down his fat face!

It's Crappy Logo Retro Time! Crappy Logo Retro Time!

When you look at a logo and say, "Okay, this thing is dated and pretty much sucks ass", and then you change it...there is obviously no logical reason to go back to the one that sucked right?  9 out of 10 3-year olds would say, "yes!" and then proudly soil themselves.

Well, the Philly 76ers just unveiled their new logo, which is actually their old logo. 

This was an amazing idea to someone who does the following:

1) Plays with rare, albino white basketballs, which were long thought extinct.

2) Prefers their fonts boring and simple, just the way God intended 'em.

3) Has a major gambling problem, which only slot machine-esque red 7s can assuage.

To everyone else, this is just ugly and extremely...I'm sorry Philly fans...Clippers-esque.  It smacks of a team that lacks the drive and creativity to come up with something visually exciting to get their fan base excited again.  At least UPDATE the old logo.  Give the ball a shadow or something.  This looks like a big Mento.

This is especially infuriating to me because no one has taken my suggestion for an NBA logo:

Now I Know Where To Get All Of My Sports News

In what could only be described as a stroke of genius, a site called Fantasy Sports Girl has decided that pretty much anyone can read the damn news off of a cue card, so why not just have all sports news read by pretty girls?  All newscasters are doing is reading the words that some other poor schlub wrote and passing it off as their own anyways.  Plus, watching the news being given this way also adds the pulse pounding excitement of whether a supermodel with the IQ of 8 will be able to correctly pronounce a name like "Gerald Wallace", which is a solid 3 syllables over their typical "Duh" statements.  How can you not love this?



This particular girl employs the "stick my hand in my jeans and shimmy my hips from side to side" method that made Andersen Cooper so popular.  Tell me you didn't watch her say "Nor were able to make their usual mid-April tee times." and think that as soon as they said, "Cut" she had to ask someone what they meant.  Then, you know she said something like, "Why do they need tea times?  They aren't in London."

See how I worked the London reference in there because I'm currently there?  Sha-BAM!