Happy (Belated) New Year 2009! Black And Blue's L.A. Recap

We're back from our yearly Christmas hiatus, rested, and ready for whatever 2009 throws at us. For yours truly, it was an eventful break as I went to Los Angeles and did about a jillion things there. I won't bore you with the amazing adventures, but I will give them to you in handy-dandy bulletpoint format!

- I ran into Jazz star Carlos Boozer in Beverly Hills, eating outside in a cafe. He was in town for the Jazz-Lakers game. Carlos seems less hairy in person, but those eyebrows still loom large.

- I saw The Room at the Sunset 5 theater. This means nothing to many of you outside of Los Angeles, but this movie is the WORST MOVIE EVER, and I mean that as a very good thing. It's so laughably bad that the audience participates in a Rocky Horror Picture Show-esque display, throwing spoons at the screen and yelling loudly about how fat the female costar is. Check out some of the Youtube clips.

- One of my female friends randomly had a threesome with two guys. Hopefully this will be a theme in the year of our lord 2009.

- I videotaped myself walking around the L.A. shopping complex "The Grove", and in the process inadvertantly taped whoever the hell this celebrity is at right (my wife tells me it is Harriet the Spy and Gossip Girl star Michelle Trachtenberg...cue me staring blankly) . She put her sunglasses on, dashed away, and a bunch of lonely female workers in Nordstrom yelled at me for "scaring her away". I later learned that "The Grove" is a shopping complex with about 5 stores and celebrities go there to be seen and photographed. After learning this I felt an unhealthy compulsion to destroy a Harriet The Spy DVD. Also, she is nothing to look at in real life (looks like a 13 year old mouse-child).

- La Brea Tarpits and shopping in Venice: Overrated.

- LACMA (the art museum in L.A) and shopping in Santa Monica: Underrated.

- Speaking of shopping in Santa Monica, I went to a Borders bookstore there. The store was THE ONE STORE going out of business (my father got an email about this from across the country), so it was packed and everything was at least 50% off. What made this more interesting was that I (along with the entire store) witnessed two drunk/drugged-out teenage girls that proceeded to cause mayhem on a Motley Crue scale. One puked all over herself, and passed out in the children's section. The other...the one that seemed to be the "sober one"...passed out on the stairs, causing her to land face first and knock herself out. Her pants fell down and she didn't have any underwear, leaving a butt exposed and motionless to approximately 300 shoppers. Watching this all unfold was really one of the most entertaining experiences of my life.

- Because there are SO many burger joints in L.A., I demanded to go to each one and rank them on a scale of 1-10. I wound up taste-testing at least 15 different places (not including the East-Coast standbys such as Burger King and Wendy's) The Winners? With a 10 out of 10 is Fatburger and close behind is In And Out Burger and a burger from the cafe Father's Office, with a 9 out of 10. You can see how seriously I take vacations.

There are a ton of other great stories that I am sure will seep their way onto the hallowed pages of this website in the coming weeks, but I have been up for 48 hours straight from a red-eye flight so that's all I got. Here's to a fantastic 2009!

THF Goes To Miami For The Weekend: Finds Nothing Basketball-Related Going On

To take a brief respite from the news and talk about my own self: This past weekend I went to the city of Miami for the first time to check out "Miami Basil", which is (in non-pretentous speak) an enormous art fair with thousands of the top art galleries in the world presenting their work.



While this was all fancy and whatnot, the biggest thing for me was loading up on Miami Dolphins gear since I've been a Dolphins fan forever and can't score any aqua and/or orange swag above the Mason-Dixon line. I also just wanted to see how much Miami Heat stuff I could find since they won the championship not too long ago. As you can see, when it comes to worthwhile ways to spend money I am the equivalent of a drunk Charles Barkely in a casino.

Anyhoo, the big surprise to me was that I couldn't find any Heat or Dolphins stuff in the city of Miami!

I thought it was just that I wasn't looking in the right place, but then I went to the huge Lincoln Mall and also combed around several shopping areas in Miami Beach and Miami proper and came up with nothing but Camo-colored Marlins baseball caps. This is a shame of epic proportions to me as a Dolphins fan and those people who like the Heat. I went home to New York City with a cheap-looking Miami Dolphins hat, which was the only thing I could find at the airport in the "clearance" aisle...oh, yeah and I also purchased a very expensive piece of art from a gallery (this is less important on many levels).

While in the end I found a single Dolphins hat, I found NO Heat stuff whatsoever. -Not even an indication that they played in the city. I know they were bad last year, but this was still surprising.

Maybe this video below has something to do with it. Barak Obama does the unthinkable and becomes the first African-American president, uniting much of the country and bringing the prospect of hope in rather scary economic times. What does that result in? You guessed it, Dwayne Wade saying that if Obama gives some little kid an interview, that Wade would actually let Obama play against him.




My new opinion is that it's stuff like this that caused Obama to make his first secret act in office to be finding and burning all Miami Heat merchandise. I know, I know that the video is supposed to be cute, but if I were Obama I would watch this and say, "What a completely cocky piece of poop. I killed myself to get elected. One I get those secret service guys, I'm using them to force Dwayne Wade to lick my boot."

My Brush With Death: Lakers v. Magic

There's your proof folks, J.J. Redick played Association Basketball tonight. However, the Wrath of J.J. was not enough, and the Magic fell to the Lakers, 117-113. J.J. was nothing short of Redickulous, finishing with with 2 points on 2-2 free throws, no field goals in 3 attempts, and 1 rebound in his 7 minutes of play. And you wonder why you haven't seen him all year! Although he did do something awesome, sharing a double technical foul with Sasha Vujacic, in a squabble that would've been the most fantastic fight ever. Orlando set a team record with their most points ever in a quarter with 44, in an action packed first quarter that saw them go 7 of 9 from three point range. It was all for naught though, as Dwight Howard and Hedo Turkoglu eventually got in foul trouble, and Kobe was Kobe scoring 36 points, grabbing 10 rebounds, and dishing out 6 assists in a great showing that also saw Pau Gasol finishing with 30 points and 9 boards.

This wasn't the real story though folks, oh no. I'm a heckler. I have been told that I'm quite good at it, so I guess it's sort of a passion of mine. However, I'm not an ass, I don't usually curse (too much), especially when there's kids around, and I don't take ANYTHING personally, just like the players don't or shouldn't. I was ready to boo and heckle the various objects of my affection; Vladimir Radmanovic, Sasha Vujacic, and just to prove that I'm not a racist and I don't only hate Slavic people, Luke Walton. ESPECIALLY Luke Walton, I hate that tool. Saying that, know that I don't have a problem with Kobe Bryant. I actually like Kobe Bryant, he's one of my favorite players to watch. He's a special player; we all know that, and I respect the hell out of him.

Because of that, I don't heckle Kobe Bryant. Maybe I've given him a raz here or there, saying that he doesn't deserve Vanessa and she should come home with me, but that's because it's true, not because I don't like him. One thing about Kobe that's different from any NBA player I've ever seen is his fan base. They are rabid for him. They live and die by him. They support him through anything, and they never root against him. They are slaves to him, contractors working on his Death Star. I should've thought of this before I made a mistake, I decided to heckle him.

This dude behind us was the quintessential Kobe fan. He was hilarious through the first few quarters, chanting MVP when Kobe got to the line or made a play, and he sounded very large. Now I had been on fire all game, professing how I trusted my life to Keith Bogans, calling Hedo an All-Star, and yelling "you're so wack" at Luke Walton. We were behind about midway through the 4th, and Kobe got to the line, so I threw out a "Remember Colorado!" blast, and Bernie Mac behind us went bananas. Kobe of course made the shot because he shoots 84% from the line, and homeboy shouts,

"That Colorado sh** don't phase him, HE BEAT THAT CHARGE!"

Now my good friend Magic Man and I found this hilarious, because we know he beat the charge; he was on the court playing wasn't he? Apparently I thought it was 2003, because he still kept yelling about how Colorado was "old news" and "he beat that charge". He wasn't going to let me say something like that about "his boy". So the game then got more out of hand, and he kept yelling about this being "how the West was won" and how Kobe was "sending us home". Then when people started filing out of the arena, he asks why everyone's leaving cause the game's not over.

We were tempted to turn around and shake the guy's hand and congratulate him on the victory, but with the way the guy caught feelings over my heckle, you would think he was Jellybean Bryant himself. So we didn't, and we just left, lucky to be alive because he sounded like he was going to KILL me. So let this be a lesson folks, Kobe fans catch feelings over basketball. 24 is life, DO NOT heckle him. Oh and one more thing, Jonathan Silverman was at the game. We tried to start a Weekend At Bernie's chant, unfortunately to no avail. If any of you ever meet Jonathan Silverman, please apologize to him on my behalf; I should've done more.

THF Field Trip Time! Magic vs. Nets at The Izod Center

Last night I left the beautiful lights of New York City with some friends to travel to New Jersey to watch the Nets take on the Orlando Magic. Why not just see the Knicks play the Magic in New York?

Um...have you been to MSG anytime in the past 10 years? It's an expensive port-o-john (except in a port-o-john you can actually see what's happening in front of you with no blind spots).

Entering the game, the teams had been headed in different directions. While the Magic were 7-2 and looking like a powerhouse in the East, the Nets had just lost Vince Carter to an injury for a few weeks and were looking a bit beaten up at 4-4.

Needless to say, it was a game I had to see.

Here's how it went down:
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We showed up at the Nets Arena, newly christened "The Izod Center" (formerly Continental Airlines Arena). I immediately had the concrete reason the Nets were starting slowly this season: The Izod Center is the most flamboyant looking stadium in the world, down to the point of being laughable.

This actually upset me as I grew up in New Jersey and have a special place in my heart for the Nets. The outside of the stadium was red and yellow stripes, and all throughout the stadium (and I mean EVERYWHERE) there were Izod catalog photos of metrosexual white skiiers.

This was the enormous banner over the section I was sitting. Obviously this is extremely menacing and something that has struck fear into the heart of every Nets opponent:

We found our seats, which were $20 specials (THF spares no expense), but this wasn't a problem as the seats at Continenta- er - Izod are really good and there isn't a bad seat in the house.

Before I sat down, I was immediately booed by a Nets loyalist. He booed me the entire time I ascended the steps to my seat, laughing and smiling. I smiled back and gave him the finger. It might have had something to do with what I was wearing:

The Asshole Nets Loyalist fan quieted down, and resumed watching the game (it was the middle of the first quarter when we showed up. Damn subways). I vaguely remembered this guy from a game I went to last year. He was yelling the whole game that the Nets were the greatest team on the planet because they were winning the entire time by a range of 2 to 5 points. He obviously would need to be shut up (foreshadowing!)

We took our seats and were quickly absorbed in the mayhem. Yelling and downing overcooked chicken tenders.

This is as good a time as any to mention perhaps the most important feature in Nets games: Sly the Fox. Sly is the Nets mascot, and I don't give a SHIT what anyone says, he is the creepiest looking- and thus the best- mascot in the NBA. Last year they actually had a "Mini-Sly" at the games, a midget version that would follow Sly around. Sadly, Mini-Sly was not back for this season, which was a shame as seeing that midget shoot t-shirts into the crowd with his t-shirt cannon was one of the best images of my (or anyone's) life.

Here is Sly rallying up the crowd. Those are probably unpaid slave Nets interns running around him with "Nets" flags:

I'd love to say that this game was close and going back and forth, but that simply was not the case. As I said earlier, the teams were going in different directions when they came in, so the Magic promptly jumped out to a 15 point lead that they held all game. Besides a few minor comebacks, the Nets looked gassed and seemed to admit defeat somewhere around the beginning of the 2nd quarter.

On the bright side, the fans were thus blessed the entire game with a terrifyingly funny graphic of Sly gesticulating wildly with "Defense" on the screen. I'm sure it gave at least 20 kids in the stadiums nightmares that night, much to my delight:

With the game quickly out of hand, it was time to look around the crowd and see what was going on. In my opinion, this is easily the best part of going to a basketball game as the stadium will inevitably be filled with a ton of crazies and borderline illegal activities. The security at Nets games has always been something for ridicule amongst my friends and I.

One quick scan revealed this guy. He was filming the entire game in front of a security guard. -And by the entire game...I mean the ENTIRE GAME. After 2 quarters of laughing that he never moved, never even dropped his arms to get blood back into his hands, his girlfriend came out of her seat about 10 rows up and asked him if he was returning to his seat to be with her. Like a true fan, he glanced at her, muttered something like, "Bitch, sit down and enjoy those seats I bought" and went back to filming. Right on.

Next, it was time for t-shirts to be shot into the crowd. Before I even had a chance to shed a single tear over the dearly departed Mini-Sly, I was treated to a grand spectacle. They were dropping t-shirts in little mini parachutes from the ceiling, causing people to claw and maim each other to get under them to catch them.

One father was sitting right below a t-shirt that was dropped and had his hands up to catch it. His two 5 year old kids were jumping up and down excitedly because they were about to get a present. Juuuuuust as the t shirt is about to land in his hands, one guy (dressed in what looked like a camo jacket) took a running start and launched himself onto the guys back and snatched the shirt. He almost knocked the father unconscious, probably kicked the kids in the head, and made off with the prize. This made the entire section erupt in laughter until we realized those kids were screwed, and probably decapitated. Luckily, the camo guy gave the father the tshirt...saying loudly that all he wanted was the parachute it was attached to (I'm not making this up...gotta love Nets fans). This is the parachute in question, moments before the bloody spectacle that was to befall it below:

The best was still to come though.

With the Magic winning handily, the Nets fans began to get restless. Our section, in particular, started a giant chant of "COLLINS SUCKS!", astutely pointing out that Nets center Jason Collins is slightly better than a chunk of driftwood. If there was a ringleader of the "COLLINS SUCKS!" chants, it was this guy, who at one point yelled, "GET ON YOUR KNEES, REFS, BECAUSE YOU'RE BLOWING THE GAME!". We'll call him "Loud Nets Fan" from here on out:

I watched in gleeful delight as the inevitable happened. The Asshole Nets Loyalist, who booed me earlier in the night, turned and looked up. He cockily said to Loud Nets Fan, "Shut the FUCK up. Jason Collins is one of the best centers in the league. Shut the FUCK up!". Uh oh. Game on.

Here is the Asshole Nets Loyalist in the act of saying this. Damn, I'm a good photographer:

The Loud Nets Fan, flanked on either side by 2 girls (who WAS this guy?), said, "Are you JOKING? Jason Collins sucks dick for a living. He doesn't play basketball. Name one other center in the league that is better than him."

Challenged, Asshole Nets Loyalist exhibited his amazing NBA knowledge and spurted forth a name that would haunt him the rest of the game:

"He's better than Chris Bosh, jackass!"

I still have a mark on my forehead this morning, I slapped it that hard. The entire section, Loud Nets Fan especially, broke out laughing. "Chris BOSH? Like, THE Chris Bosh? He is an incredible player that the Nets would trade anyone for right now. Are you JOKING?" Asshole Nets Loyalist, actually offended, went on a tirade about how Jason Collins was underrated and could shut anyone down. The two yelled at each other for, no joke, about 45 minutes. It was glorious.

While this whole conversation was happening, Jason Collins was on the bench, probably picking out hot girls in the audience absentmindedly. Finally, the announcer called out, "Replacing Sean Williams is Jason Collins" as Collins trotted out onto the floor. It was time to prove who was right.

Well, you know what happens here. Jason Collins gets dunked on savagely by Dwight Howard, gets outrebounded by Howard something like 7-1, and gets send back to the bench after 3 fouls in about 3 minutes of work.

Loud Nets Fan, the entire time, just keeps yelling, "COLLINS FOR BOSH! COLLINS FOR BOSH! LET'S DO THIS DEAL!"

Here is perhaps my favorite image of the night. Asshole Nets Loyalist...owned:

With about 3 minutes left in the game, the Nets down 18, Asshole Nets Loyalist gets up to leave and Loud Nets Fan yells, "Real fans don't leave a game until it's over!" Asshole Nets Loyalist smiles, leaves and the entire crowd laughs at him.

In a twist of wonderful irony, Loud Nets Fan leaves about 1 minute afterward, his 4 girls in tow.

The buzzer blares, game over, Magic win by 25.

Overall, it was a great game simply because most of the fun wasn't even on the court. I'm not even mentioning the halftime show which was arguably one of the best parts: A 10 year old boys vs. girls basketball game. One fat kid on the boys team looked like Bryant Reeves, prompting us to yell "Big Country!" whenever he scored.

As we left to take the shuttle back to the city, we walked past the "Slymobile", the Nets promotional van. I leave you with this image, the back of the van, and bid you a goodnight.

Let Sly the Fox haunt your dreams.