Sportswriters typically predict how teams will finish in their NBA previews by moronically cutting and pasting the records from last season. If you want to play "Where's Waldo" with who has been doing it this year, just look for those writers who have put the Varejao-less, Sasha Pavlovic-less, Al Roker-led team Cleveland up near the top of the standings. I hope they have a parachute ready for the drop in their record this year (They'll still make the playoffs though...it's the East, the NBA's outhouse).
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
But every year, the writers also go out on a limb and predict one team to surprise everyone with finishing well. This year, that team is the "Analy-Raped By Billy Donovan" Orlando Magic.
Yahoo, Fox Sports, ESPN and many others are surprisingly picking the Magic to win their division and make some serious noise this year, and by noise I don't mean the moans of ecstacy coming from Steve Francis and Cuttino Mobley's shared beachhouse.
While the additions of Rashard Lewis and Adonal Foyle, coupled with the amazing maturation of Dwight Howard under strip club afficionado Patrick Ewing , there are plenty of good reasons for optimism in Orlando, but we at THF think that there is another magical device at work here:
There is no denying that the Orlando Magic will live or die by Stan Van Gundy's model looks as they attempt to bring themselves back into the NBA limelight. Stan's moustache gives him a hip, porn-star edge that no other NBA coach has anymore.
And before you get all high and mighty, fuck you Phil Jackson and PJ Carlesimo. Those gotees and beard-and-moustache combos just don't work. To be a true man you need to rock the 'stache alone, with bonus points added if you use gel to curl up the sides.