Thursday, October 25, 2007

Sonics Fans Fall To The Ground, Sobbing With Relief

Sonics fans across America cleaned their collective undies with a smile yesterday as they found out that Kevin Durant's injury won't be serious.


Kevin Durant had hurt himself by landing awkwardly on Marco Belinelli's foot in a game, causing about 50% of the Sonics fan base to hold their breath and hope that they weren't in the same boat that Blazers fans were with Greg Oden's injury. -The other 50% of fans were native Seattle folk who just gave the finger and said if the team was moving they couldn't really give a shit.

This brings to mind the age-old question about whether Kevin Durant's skinny frame is prone to getting injured in the rough NBA. Durant's official playing weight is 225, but we think this number HAD to be inflated by drinking gallons of water before the weigh in like that fat guy on The Biggest Loser (I haven't seen that many fat people angry at one of their own since Star Jones got her weight sucked out of her and began looking like Skeletor).

Durant (or "Starvin' Marvin, as I like to call him) is MAYBE 25 pounds...perhaps less. While this could spell long term trouble if he wants to be a night-in-night-out starter for the Sonics, he could be okay for a while since there are a few other emaciated, sickly looking players in the NBA who stay healthy:

PRESENTING THE NBA ALL-EMACIATED SQUAD

Headlining the All-Emaciated squad is one-meal-a-month and owner-of-the-80-year-old-guy's-body Tayshaun Prince. There is rarely a moment that fans can look at the screen without worrying that he will just collapse on the floor and begin eating a referee's shoe for nourishment. -Still, Prince managed to be one of the few players to play all 82 games last year. He also plays a high contact game that his body type helps him in since his elbows are sharp as ginsu knives.

Next is Jamal Crawford, who looks like a lollipop due to his sickly frame and bulbous head. Despite driving to the lane quite a bit, Crawford has also had a surprisingly healthy career, missing significant time last year after years of playing in almost all of the games. We are not sure of the secret to his success, but players at MSG are conditioned well by rapidly fleeing daily contact with Isiah Thomas that could result in lawsuits.

Topping off the list is Mr. Kirilenko, a man I like to call "The Scarecrow" for his body type. While he has been knocked around with injuries quite a bit in the past few years, he still made it his first 3 years relatively unscathed before his body crumpled up like an ant in the sun. When his body realized its limitations, his mind appeared to do so as well with crying to reporters and trade demands lately. We'd feel bad for him, but fuck him...his pop star wife lets him have sex with another woman once a year.

Looking at this list, one thing differs between Durant and the other skinny guys: He is supposed to be carrying his team. Prince, Crawford, and Kirilenko have the advantage of being supporting players so the abuse on their body will probably be less. Whether or not a skinny star can live up to the abuse of double teams and intentional fouls is an interesting experiment that we will be watching with labcoats and clipboards.

For now, we will sit by and cheer on our favorite Sonic, Starvin' Marvin.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's too bad Shawn Bradley retired. He would make a good captain for the squad.

Anubis Taylor said...

I think Crawford's problem is simply that he's on a team with Eddie Curry and Zach Randolph.

Anonymous said...

where the hell is mikki moore on this list. he might be more thin than all of them (other than teyshawn, no one can touch the cript keeper on that one)