Dwight's Passing has improved!

Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic = The next John Stockton.

5 Seconds Earlier: "I'm sorry sir, we've run out of nacho cheese"

NERDS!

Dwight Howard promoted NBA Live 10 the only way he knew how: By inviting gamers to the basketball court and making them look like idiots.

This has me torn. On one hand, I do not like embarrassing people that are not athletically gifted. On the other hand, I hate gamer nerds, and would give them wedgies and stuff them all in a locker given the chance. I share this in common with Ogre from "Revenge Of The Nerds". Here is Dwight playing around with some nerdy dorkenstein:

Note: A week from today I am going to Norway for business, so I will cram as much fun into this week as possible before I am inevitably sliced in half by vikings.

J-Will Cometh...Backeth From Retirementeth

Just got back from Key West, where I had no internet (just drinks and ladies wearing very, very little) so glancing at the very first news to grace my eyes I was entertained. The Magic signed someone whose antics I have loved for a very long time:



Yes, that's right. J-Will signed with the Magic. The Magic, as you know, play in Orlando, a town so incredibly goofy and glitzy that it could be just the thing to awaken that old player Jason was on the Kings. -NOT the schlub Hubie Brown tamed into being, you know, a "good player", but the guy who was worth paying the price of admission to just play streetball and goof off. Sure, his passes often rocketed into the stands, costing his team valuable points during 4-on-1 fast breaks, but goddamn it he was fun to watch. If the Magic do wind up using him as a 3rd string PG, he BETTER be entertaining, because he isn't worth playing much otherwise.

Welcome back from retirement J-Will. Now it's time to un-retire the bounce-off-the-elbow pass.

Ugh, I Knew This Wouldn't Be Easy

As quickly as I had decided to finally get NBA Live 10, I heard that NBA 2K10 (widely considered to be a vastly superior NBA gaming franchise) was finally going to be released for the PSP. The PSP, dear reader, is the retardedly backwards gaming system I frequent because I travel a lot.

Well, there ya go. Decision made. Done and done.

Then, a reader sent me this image of the NBA 2K10 cover this year:

Kobe Bryant. The same Kobe Bryant that single-handedly (okay Trevor Ariza and Gasol helped a tad) beat my Orlando Magic in the finals this past year. The same Kobe Bryant that used "I like to have extremely rough sex in which I choke girls behind my wife's back" as his DEFENSE in a court case.

To further complicate things, here is the NBA Live 10 cover:

Because this cover is so mighty, the whole thing doesn't even fit on this site. In it, Dwight Howard is saying, "This cover is so amazing, I'm going to go offscreen and make myself a sandwich."

Sheesh. Could they have made it harder? Perhaps if NBA Live 10 put Megan Fox in an Orlando Magic jersey, surfing on a surfboard and blowing away zombies, while NBA 2k10 put the faces of every ex-girlfriend I've had.

This whole thing will take some thought, and reviews from you guys will be crucial. In the meantime I will drink heavily and daydream of the aforementioned NBA Live 10 cover that I just designed.

Matt Barnes With The No-Look!

Matt Barnes has signed a two-year deal with the comically stacked Orlando Magic. It is his 800th team in 5 years. Matt Barnes is a guy who rarely is seen off the court in interviews, so despite his decent production he is not anywhere near a household name. It's a shame he isn't interviewed more, because he seems like an interesting personality. He is super kind, but has the insane tattoos of a brawler.

Maybe the reason he isn't interviewed more is his COMPLETE INABILITY TO LOOK AT THE PERSON INTERVIEWING HIM!



Come ON, Matt. I'm sure you saw somewhere that it looked cool to look off while you got interviewed, but this is just silly. It would have been great for the cameraman and interviewer to walk away after a question and just leave Matt talking to himself and looking off.

Examining The Four Team Marion Dilly

I love how stoned-looking Marion is in that picture.

According to ESPN, a mind-bending four-team deal is on the verge of completion.  The deal would send Shawn Marion to Dallas, allow Toronto more money for Turk by pulling off a sign and trade, give the Grizzlies yet more money and cash to throw in the gutter, and give the Magic a 7 million dollar trade exception to go shopping in free agency.

So what do we think about it?  Hmmm...

Mavericks:  The Mavs, obviously, got the big name in the deal in Marion.  With resigning J-Kidd, their lineup suddenly looks pretty damn good with Kidd, Terry, Josh Howard, Marion, Nowitzki, and Nowitzki's crazy-ass girlfriend (notice I didn't mention Dampier.  -I'm trying to make a point that this team is GOOD).  Frankly, as much talk as there is of Marion being a "team cancer" and having a bad attitude, his abilities lift the Mavs up exponentially.  I have long wanted Marion on the Magic, and being part of this bizarre 4-way deal is as close as I'll likely ever get.

Raptors:  The Raptors were wise to be part of this trade because not only did they get Antoine Wright and Devean George, but they keep their $5.9 million trade exception.  Having this trade exception means that the Raptors have a valuable trading chip in free agency moves moving forward, or free up money to sign up Carlos Delfino.  With them sending out Marion and bringing in Turk, it also allows them to be more European and whiter, two things the Raptors and Jazz covet more than anything.

Grizzlies:  Honestly, any attempt for anyone to explain the reasons behind ANY Grizzlies moves is futile.  Here, it seems that the overwhelming thing that they get is the chance to buy out Jerry Stackhouse's contract and create cap space for the future.  -You know, to sign all of those free agents that can't wait to move to Memphis Tennessee and watch OJ Mayo throw up circus shots.

Magic:  The Magic were apparently the last second team that hopped in and allowed this trade to work, and looking at what they get it's shocking they were not involved from the start.  For, well...just letting Turk leave, they get a (reported) 7 million dollar trade exception.  They can use this money to add depth to their team or go after one more big name (David Lee?  Paul Milsap?  Dirk Nowitzki's girlfriend?).

At the end of the day, the trade helped everyone with the possible exception being the Grizzlies.  -Just the way every good trade should.

Dwight Howard Is Losing His Mind

Many of you have already seen this, but Dwight Howard was handed a puppet by a reporter and asked if he deserved his own instead of Lebron.  What followed was pure comic bliss as the puppet interviewed Howard, including asking point blank about the two free throws that cost the Magic a game in the finals and about 20 years off of my life.

Enjoy.  When it comes out 10 years from now that Dwight had multiple personalities like Hershel Walker, you'll feel guilty for having laughed at this:

All Spelling Bees Should Be This Way

I could watch this video all day.  One day all spelling errors will coincide with Hedo jumping in from out of nowhere and saying some witty comment.

Yay! Another Franchise Kick In The Groin!

Anubis Taylor is on a plane to Ireland, making love to women with red hair and staring at the green, green, green, green rolling hills (seriously, do you hear anything ELSE about Ireland from people that have gone other than the damn rolling green hills?  How about the sky?  C'mon people!)  This leaves little ol' me, at least until I go to London for a month for business starting in mid-June.

So, what was your soon-to-be Euro-trash duo talking about today?  Probably how the new Nick Anderson on the Magic is rookie Courtney Lee, chucking up a brick layup when it would have won the game.  

Seriously, this is almost too tough to watch.  Instead of the series being 1-1, going back to Orlando, it is 2-0 Lakers and you have Kobe fist pumping all over the place.  "Fist pump" has found a new home on every article on ESPN today, whereas before it was limited strictly to porn sites (seriously, check ESPN...it's insanity).

Somewhere Courtney Lee is looking at heaven and saying, "Okay, first you have my parents name me F'in COURTNEY and now THIS?!  What the hell?!"

On a side note, if you were ever curious what Stan Van Gundy's face looked like while he took a monster dump, watch the end of that video again.

Here We Go

It's NBA Finals time, so it's time for a prediction.

Firs, here's a review of how the last round went:

Prediction: Cavs in 7

Outcome: Magic in 6

Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic really surprised everyone, and despite the predictably bad officiating skewing the Cavs' way, they dominated. Lebron's ancillary pieces, especially Mo Williams (a guy who has always been quietly effective, who turned into an ineffective loudmouth) were shut down. I counted 8...yes 8...Szerbiack airballs in the series. This continues my belief that Wally's World is truly the jinx to end all jinxes.

Prediction: Lakers in 5

Outcome: Lakers in 6

Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Nuggets gave a pretty darn good fight for two games, with Birdman suddenly emerging into the media darling we never thought he could be. Melo and Billups looked strong early on and then cooled off to an arctic degree. Out of nowhere, Lamar Odom rose like a bald phoenix to burn the powder-blues. I have yet to watch a Lakers game with a girl who doesn't say at one point, "That Jordan Farmar guy has ears that REALLY stick out. He should grow his hair out." Too true, ladies, too true.

And here we go, the moment we've all been waiting for:

Finals prediction: Magic in 6

Yes, I am a homer. Yes, That is an unpopular pick. I gotta go with Jameer Nelson and my boys. If "Stuff the Magic Dragon" gets a ring, it will surely be a sign of the end times. Who am I to prevent the apocolypse?

Mickael Pietrus Seems Like A Cool Guy

Watching the NBA Playoffs, all I keep thinking to myself is, "Man, Pau Gasol sure has a lot of acne on his arms." -But besides that, I also think, "Man, it would be so fun to be friends with Mickael Pietrus." The guy does some funny face or gesture after every three he makes, and his interviews are often completely silly and ridiculous. He's like if Will Ferrell could dunk and had an absolutely enormous brow. -Oh and was black. Sorry, I don't see color, unlike some of you.

Take the latest "news", which has Pietrus changing his shoes from Kobe shoes to Jordan shoes for the Magic's showdown with the Lakers. I love his quote:

"The only thing I can do is try to minimize (Kobes) touches in the fourth quarter," Pietrus told the Sentinel. "He's a tremendous player and those guys you can not stop them. So maybe I can say, 'Hey, stop, Kobe! Yo! Stop!' Maybe that's the only way I can stop him. 'Stop for a minute!' "

If you need more entertainment, look any any clip of Pietrus in action:




Alright, enough man-crush talk for one day. I'm starting to annoy myself.

Looking Forward To The Kobe-Dwight Matchup

While a lot is being said about the grudge match that will ensue between Dwight Howard and Kobe Bryant, no one really seems to be talking about the fact that the two were really, really good friends on the court during the Olympics this past year. While Lebron was looking for the cameras, Carmelo was looking to prove himself as a scorer, and Jason Kidd was looking to prove he didn't need to walk with a walker, Kobe and Dwight were hanging out and giving each other tips.

Here is a video showing a glimmer of them interacting:



It'll be fun to see how the media spins this into "These two HAAAAATE each other", while they are both will likely be sharing a beer after the series is over.

I swear to God, if Kobe gets Dwight to leave Orlando for L.A. during my lifetime, I will go to Los Angeles and burn that city to the ground myself. Never again.

America Must Band Together Despite This Cavs Loss

It is officially the week leading up to the NBA Finals. For now the media, instead of talking about the Magic and the Lakers, appear to be stuck on the incomprehensible fact that the Cavaliers somehow fell short. The world will have to wait for a Kobe-Lebron Championship series. Woe is us. Media folks, it is time to move on, and there is no better way to do that than...CAVALIERS FALLING SHORT FUNNY PICTURE ROUNDUP!

SHAZAAAM!

And my personal favorite....


Note the attention to detail with the Lil' Penny, the Lebron doll, and even the name of the boat and it's captain. Simply brilliant.

Many thanks to everyone at the Orlando Magiczone forums for your pics. Time to root for the Orlando Magic the only way I know how: With the 20 year old theme song!

http://www.nba.com/media/magic/25_Orlando_Magic_Theme_Song.mp3

That song is simply the silliest theme song I have ever heard.

Barkley Rolling With The Magic

I haven't been this excited since, oh, let's say 1994.

The Orlando Magic are in the Finals. I feel almost confused on how to react to one of my favorite teams doing this well. Do I flip over a car? Should I throw fireworks off of my balcony at people wearing Cavs jerseys? I have no idea. What I do know is that the Magic will take on Kobe, Pau "Acne Arms" Gasol, and my former Magic boy Trevor Ariza in the NBA Finals.

Once again, out of the four TNT broadcasters, the only person to pick the Magic to win is Charles Barkley. This pleases me immensely because not only has he been right thus far, but he also works with none of the media hype that influences so many people's predictions. One could say he is the most honest-to-a-fault guy on TV. Don't believe me? Here he is from last night's broadcast, willing to say what must be said even at the expense of the censors:



Game 1 is Thursday. Until then, we'll be bathing in the championship game hype. Tonight, however, I bathe in champagne (is THAT what you do when your team does well? Oh I am so very confused.)

Refs (heart) Lebron

I'm excited for the Magic-Cavs game tonight, but also not excited at all. Why? The refs have been AWFUL in this series, and tonight is poised to be the crappiest Cavs-loving reffed game of the series. If the Cavs go down 1-3 to the Magic tonight, David Stern will shoot lasers out of his eyes and kill all of the families of the refs.

Don't believe me? Let's check out a delightful video from the previous game in the series, where I watched the refs call multiple fouls on the Magic WITH THEIR BACK TURNED TO THE PLAYER THEY WERE FOULING! In this clip, the Magic fans watch another crummy call and at the 0:45 mark, start an overwhelming chant of "Refs You Suck".



That's a rather complicated chant for a crowd so you knew they all were thinking it.

As I typed that last sentence, a whistle blew on Mickael Pietrus. Must be game time. Sigh...

Dwight Will Pump (clap) You Up

Everyone's seen Dwight Howard's dunk from last night where he tore the shot clock down, so I won't even bore you with that. What I CAN do is Tony Little your ass into becoming a shot clock-destroying mofo by showing you Dwight Howard's fitness regimine.

First off, we take a look at Dwight, a young Dwight at that, working out with what can only be described as "light weights". You can see that at this point in his career, he is working on improving his flexibility and endurance, rather than punching through skulls for practice as he does later in his career.



I want the job of that guy getting paid to hold the weight on Dwight's back while he does push ups. That guy somehow looks winded doing that.

Fast forward to him now, bench pressing in this next video. He is a monster, capable of destroying small villages. In the video, Dwight must have an absurd amount of weight on that bar because it looks like it is bending like a noodle as he lifts it up. The clip even has tips on how to do Dwight's workout at the end, minus how much he is lifting to avoid copycats who would promptly rip their shoulders out of their sockets.



And just in case you didn't have enough, here is a longer clip of Dwight doing various workouts (seriously, there are like 80 clips on the net of him doing various workouts...this guy is totally hawking Ab Rollers after he retires).



I make the same face when I do crunches.

Woot!

I try as hard as I can to stay impartial on this blog, but lord knows you all know at this point that I am a completely shameless Magic fan. Tonight's win was amazing.



Lord knows I thought the team came out stronger after beating the Lucky Charms crew, but coming back and winning after being down in a 16 point hole? Especially after THIS?!



Simply crazy. I was unable to post my predictions for the Conference finals due to being insanely busy, but before it gets too late here we go:

Cavs in 7

Lakers in 5

You KNOW the NBA wants this matchup and Stern will kill a mofo before his plans are thwarted. Still, a great game for Magic fans everywhere. I need a cold shower.

Tonight Four Teams Decide Their Destiny

Tonight is a HUGE night for the Celtics, Magic, Lakers and Rockets, as two of the four aforementioned teams will be eliminated from the 2009 NBA Playoffs. The Lakers and Magic should win, but the Rockets and Celtics don't seem to have to have that whole "we only win to save face after an embarrasing loss" thing that the Magic and Lakers have.

Yet another year that there is an important series and I am not in the locker room for the pep talk beforehand. This year I would go with a profanity-laden speech as if it were dubbed for network television. It would start out with telling them "This is the most important game of the flippin' season, you pieces of scrap!" and ending simply with, "Go out there and win, mother-truckers."

Ah, who am I kidding? I could never beat this:



It's quite interesting to learn that the snakes are, in fact, monkey-flying and that the plane was available for transport from Monday to Friday (but not on weekends).

Attention Dwight Howard: The Nickname "Big Baby" Is Already Taken

For once, I'll actually be semi-serious in this post. It's been an incredibly crummy time to be an Orlando Magic fan.

I was heartbroken by the Magic loss last night. Actually, that is a huge understatement. I was devastated. It wasn't just a loss. For me the loss was accompanied by a few horrific realizations:
1) The Celtics have figured out how to beat the Magic, along with the rest of America: Make them take jumpshots the whole game. This is a flaw the Magic seem to be too wussy to overcome.

2) With the Celtics figuring out how to beat the Magic, this series stands a good chance of being over. The Magic squandered a 2-1 lead and now sit on the brink of elimination.

3) Hedo Turkoglu and Marcin Gortat likely won't be with the Magic next year. Right now might be the best shot the team has for a title with contract hell binding the team's future.

4) Dwight Howard's intensity level, and leadership abilities have been zilch. The guy has come as close to being invisible this playoffs as anyone could imagine, and has shown ZERO heart.

As my head was in my hands, Dwight Howard said this:



I could not believe what I was hearing. Did he not HEAR my #4 point? Dwight Howard, the same guy who was COMPLETELY shut down by Kendrick Perkins to the point of having to take crazy Ewing hook shots (and missing them BADLY), and has been a virtual mute on the court, is calling out his COACHES and his TEAM for not giving him the ball MORE?!

I nearly pooped myself.

It was as I was staring, wide-eyed at the television that the commercial with Dwight Howard came on. You know the one. He's standing by the sea, talking with Charles Barkley on a cell phone, and is pissing on Sir Charles for injuring the video game likeness of himself. It dawned on me then that this press conference evidenced what we all feared: Dwight Howard has completely lost track of reality. His hype has officially eclipsed his intered in improving his post game and his free throws. The same guy we cheered on as he used the Superman dunk to stardom had taken that cape and flown too close to the sun.

Realizing that my team had a coach that it's players hated, had a core that was about to be shredded with the departure of Turkoglu, had a self-centered superstar who looked past his failing team and only saw his pretty reflection, and a future that was locked into a ton of big contracts, I turned off the television.

At this point, I realized who was going to win the championship this year: The Cleveland Cavaliers. I know you Lakers fans are cocky as hell, but the Cavs have everything the Magic don't right now:

-A coach who the players love and believe in.

-A superstar who makes those around him better.

-A team that is filled with selfless players, including Joe Smith who is playing for the team despite not earning or playing much.

-A team that doesn't let up when they see the finish line approaching.

-A team that supports each other, like when the team rallied around Mo Williams not getting an initial All Star invite.

The Lakers are lacking in the last three categories, which is why I think they'll ultimately fall either in the Finals, or (you heard it here first) I could easily see them losing in 6 to the Nuggets.

Anyhoo, my apologies for the drawn out seriousness of this post. I'll be back to normal tomorrow, after my Orlando Magic grieving subsides.