Welcome To The Big Top: MJ Circus Shots

We got such a positive response via email to our post of some of the NBA's best circus shots that we decided to go straight to the source for a follow up: Michael Jordan.

The greatest trick of all?  That he could do all of these athletic shots with those short shorts.  

Thoughts:

-#2 is ridiculous because he almost goes out of his way to do a trick shot.

-Why do cameramen keep finding attractive women in sweaters after MJ makes a play?

-Greg Ostertag continues his long-standing role of "posterized big man".

The BEST Play Of The NBA Weekend

I was extremely happy the Magic won to tie the series with the Sixers 2-2, but for me the highlight of the NBA games this weekend was Ben Gordon's amazing clutch 3-pointer to send the game into double overtime against the Celtics (a game the Bulls later won as a result).

Scratch that.

The highlight for me followed immediately afterward. It was Ben Gordon celebrating by grabbing his groin in a profane way after the shot. I nearly shot beer out of my nose as I laughed out loud. Anubis Taylor was beside me, dodging Samuel Adams spittle.

Mark my words, the next time I get a promotion or raise at work, I am doing this:




Thus, if you see a tall guy with a tie and a suit with his hand on his crotch, skipping down the streets of New York and yelling in the air, it's most likely me.

If it's not me, then chances are you are a female and it's this guy. You should then find a place to hide.

Poodini Is Roodini Of The Year

Derrick "Poodini" Rose has been announced NBA Rookie Of The Year. I am very happy about this because after that game 1 win against the Celtics he deserved to win 5 Rookie Of The Year awards. On top of this, he is a really nice guy, calling every middle-aged female sideline reporter "missus" or "ma'am" (much to every cougar who still feels like she's young at heart).

Here is a snippet from his press conference today:



Two things will immediately leap out at you: 1) Wow, Derrick Rose IS a nice guy. You're right as always, Black and Blue Jor (of course I am). 2) Derrick Rose always speaks with absolutely no inflection in his voice whatsoever. His play and speaking voice make him simultaneously the most and least marketable guy out there right now.

Can you imagine him pitching a McDonalds burger with that monotone drawl?

"HimynameisDerrickandI'mheretotalktoyouabouttheMcRib-
whichisbackforalimitedtimeatMickeyDsBadabadabaaaI'mlovinit."

It's Playoff MADNESS!!!!!!

Blahblahblah Lakers blahblahblah Nuggets blahblah Cavs blah blah. We knew how many of the games involving the teams would end this week, so let's just gloss over those and say it was nice to see those teams play. Two of the games this past weekend were incredible and completely blew my socks off: The Bulls overtime win against the Celtics, and the Sixers last second comeback against the Magic.

Let's start with the Celtics game. Watching Derrick "Poodini" Rose was like watching a beautiful flower blossom if said flower was a Memphis graduate with a weird wizard tattoo. Rose was slashing and dashing all over the place, while the Celtics managed the game slow and steady with their talent. In the first game, it was heart versus talent and heart won (much to the delight of that useless chick from Captain Planet). You take one look at Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas and...yeah, heart won this game.

Speaking of Tyrus Thomas, WHERE the hell did he come from at the end of that game? He was hitting clutch jumpshots all over the place, and you could see the life slowly draining from Vinny Del Negro's face each time he put a shot up. The fact that his shots went in at all was proof that there actually is a wizard named Poodini somewhere altering the fate our planet, and he is a Bulls fan.

For me, the games this weekend went from pure elation in the Bulls win to tragic, smash-your-head-against-a-wall defeat with the Magic. I watched as Orlando's 18 point lead flew through their legs like Bill Buckner...and knew they would lose the game. That's right, I knew wayyyy ahead of time that this one was lost. Why? Because the number one rule of being a Magic fan is knowing which games you just need to toss Hedo Turkoglu's ass on the bench. You know from the first 10 minutes whether he will hit most of the shots he takes in a game or miss every single one. He didn't make a shot UNTIL THE END OF THE FOURTH QUARTER, which would send off warning bells that it was time to yank him and call in the many other reserves. Such was not the case, and as Hedo was passed the ball for the final shot with 2 seconds left, I actually looked up at the ceiling of my apartment and asked, "Why? Why did they have him in the game in this juncture." I didn't even have to look back down to know the Sixers had won and Hedo Turkoglu had not even hit the rim (the ball bounced off of the backboard with a sick thud that echoed the thud in my stomach).

Ugh, enough ranting. For every victory, there is a defeat, and in the mirror of life there is most like some other amazingly handsome, muscular writer posting about how happy he was that the Sixers won and pissed that the Celtics lost. That's just the way it is, methinks.

Stay tuned for more daily playoff coverage as the week progresses. I'll need an outlet for the Turkoglu hate.

Poodini Ain't So Special

Every year there is a rookie that has everyone gushing, and this year it is Derrick Rose (what, no Kosta Koufos for you, ladies?). The Great Poodini has been lighting it up and helping the Bulls come out of the bowels of hell into a relatively strong 8th seed late bid. Still, for all of the gushers (let's keep this clean), I show you this proof that Rose still has a ways to go before he is considered "clutch":


Yucky. Were that the playoffs, even fellow Chicago-an Bartman would have winced. That layup for the win couldn't have been more gift-wrapped. If you slow-mo the shot, you can see the moment when the collective Raptors team takes a collective dump in their pants, realizing they've lost the game...only to have them escape with the win. Dumps in the pants can be silly like that.

And The Oscar Goes To...Michael Jordan In 1983!

By watching the sprawling masterpiece that is "Space Jam", you would have thought that Michael Jordan as an actor was a natural. You would of course be wrong and I will now laugh at you. For you see, dear reader, as this Youtube clip illustrates, Michael Jordan's acting abilities used to resemble a zombie, or perhaps a lobotomized mental patient. It's videos like this that actually make you appreciate how far he's come:



Note to self: Grow that beard.

"When You Steps The Lights Goes On"

In the spirit of Christmas, I've been looking up what a lot of team websites have been doing for the holiday. The Bulls seem to be tossing videos all over the web related to what their players are up to. Most recently, I caught this video of robot-talking snoozer Derrick "Poodini" Rose and mushmouth Luol Deng discussing Christmas. My favorite line is probably Deng describing the best gift he ever received, which was a pair of shoes that "when you steps the lights goes on".



The most interesting thing is the long, looooooooooong pauses when the reporter asks them what they'd like for Christmas this year...followed by both of them saying they have purchased anything they already wanted for themselves. If I were a criminal, I would have stopped whatever I was doing (probably making explosive ships-in-a-bottle to go along with my "The Sailor" archvillain name) and would immediately rob these guys. There has to be SOMETHING you don't have Luol and Derrick! This year, for instance, I am asking for a private jet, Megan Fox, and Spencer Pratt's head on a platter.

Chicago Advances to Second Round of NBA Hair Championship

Overshadowing the individual efforts of Amare Stoudamire and Tony Parker last night was the Showdown of Chevelure between the Chicago Bulls and Cleveland Cavaliers. After both Joakim Noah and Anderson Varejao were carried off in a stretcher early in the third quarter when their locks got tangled together, Drew Gooden's mutton chops and wormy goatee took over and closed out the squad from the Mistake By The Lake.

This "Rose" Kid Apparently Is Pretty Good...Wait, What's That On His Arm?

Tonight Derrick Rose played some substantial minutes, 37 to be exact, and put up some quality numbers: 30 points on 13-18 shooting and 7 assists. This helped the Bulls beat the Mavericks, a team that you just look at now and shake your head with pity. Seriously, I am not quite sure whether to have a sit-down meeting with every Mavericks fan reading this and say, "I'm sorry...you had your shot. It's time to invest all of your effort into the Cowboys and Stars for a while until this roster is gutted. Now go to the bar and have some shots with JR Ewing."

This begs the question, what is the source of Derrick Rose's strength? Athletic ability? Steroids? Bud Light Lime? No, dear reader, I believe that Derrick Rose has made a deal with a powerful sorcerer named "Poodini". How else do you explain this tattoo he has?

While this is a bizarre tattoo, I firmly believe that "Poodini" is a FANTASTIC name for a plumber. If you are in the bathroom, your toilet clogs, and you look down at the mess and say to yourself, "Wow...I wish there was somebody who could come here and just make this whole mess disappear!" Now you know who you are going to call: Derrick Rose.

Chicago Hires A Different Coach Collins

Rumors that the Chicago Bulls had completed their search for a new coach were proven correct. After a terrifying week of submitting himself and the entire staff of the franchise to Scarface-levels of blow and murder clips from American Psycho...

...owner, Jerry Reinsdorf, settled on which late 1980's pop star to lead team to championship contention: Phil Collins.

"Of course we would have preferred bringing back Phil Jackson, but he's a little busy actually winning. As I was hacking one of our video scouts to pieces with an ax to the accompaniment of U2, it dawned on me that we were sitting on a land mine of untapped coaching talent! We interviewed Huey Lewis, Whitney Houston, and Corey Hart as well. Lewis was at one point our first choice, but after we were informed that The News would not join him on the sideline we quickly moved on."

Players' reactions to the news were mixed. "I heard he's got a weed bus and a non-weed bus just like Outkast!" Joakim Noah explained. Brit, Ben Gordon, was happy to have another countryman leading the team, but explained, "Guys like Tyrus Thomas are going to have a tough time fitting in because he sucks at playing the the electric drums."

Collins, when reached for comment said, "What the fuck?!?!?!?!"

Hanes Commercials: Michael Jordan's True Legacy

Over the Memorial Day holiday, I was talking with friend of the site Rantin' John about how my neighbor in New York City is Kevin Bacon. He wisely remarked that although he is revered, Kevin Bacon's career has had a pretty meteoric fall. He described it well:

"Your neighbor Mr. Bacon has gone from having a trendy board game named after him and starring in blockbuster movies to looking like a goof while he shoots paper into a garbage bin in Hanes underwear commercials with Michael Jordan. I give it 5 years at most before he tries to revive his career with an ill-fated NBC sitcom."

Cuba Gooding Jr., who currently stars in the latest "I'M WEARING YOUR UNDERWEAR!" debacle, is even more of a step down on the fame ladder for Michael Jordan to act with. Can't get much worse than that, right? Right?!

Every time you ask yourself that, the answer is inevitably Charlie Sheen. Yes, kiddies, Michael Jordan's newest Hanes costar will be none other than the hooker-frequenting Estevez-brothered Hot-Shots-Part-Deux-starring man about town. At what point does Jordan look into his own reflection in the roulette wheel and think to himself, "What am I DOING? I'm the biggest star the NBA ever HAD!" Maybe the script was good?

No. It wasn't.

The leaked script for this commercial reads as follows:

One spot, called "Phone Toss," shows Sheen running up to Jordan's car as he is exiting a hotel and telling Jordan that someone turned him on to the new Hanes Lay Flat Collar Undershirt. He suggests Jordan do the same, not realizing that he's already wearing one. As Jordan starts to drive away, Sheen keeps talking, inviting Jordan to dinner and asking for his phone number. Jordan is finally forced to drive away, prompting Sheen to throw his phone in the back seat of Jordan's convertible and asking to call him.

Wow. Shakespeare just rolled over in his grave, along with the inventor of television, the inventor of the written word, and the inventor of undershirts (who I would like to think is named 'Baron Von Oondresherrt" or something). At least Fruit Of The Loom had those guys in the fruit costumes...a sizable step up in the class department.

MJ, for our sakes, end this charade before you wind up acting next to that alien that was in that movie "Mac And Me". That thing just freaked me out.

Josh Howard Has A New Friend

How could this have happened? Oh the humanity!

Jay-Z Finally Comes Out From Behind The Curtain

First off, congrats to the Chicago Bulls for defying the odds (the 1.7 percent chance odds) to win the 2008 NBA lottery. This team, who already appears to be better than their 33-49 record with Hinrich, Hughes, Gordon, Deng, Noah, Tyrus Thomas, and Drew Gooden, can now officially add Derrick Rose or Michael Beasley. It's like a great fantasy basketball team, minus any actual field goal percentage or assist stats. Meanwhile, somewhere Pat Riley is smoking a cigar and cackling about how he got out at just the right time while Miami sits at spot #2.

-But more important than the Bulls winning was today, May 20th 2008, marked the day that the Nets officially became cool. They've always been sorta fun, with their mascot Sly the Fox and Vince Carter taking ill-advised halfcourt three pointers for no reason whatsoever, but Jay-Z finally came out of hiding and embraced his role as team owner.

Tonight Jay-Z appeared at the lottery and smiled awkwardly amongst the people who were simply amazed to see him. Half looked at him and said, "That's the legendary Jay-Z. This is quite bizarre. I guess he is stepping up as the Nets owner." The other half thought, "Beyonce is engaged to THAT guy? Man, he MUST be talented and rich." Regardless, one thing that was assured with his coming out party? That reporters will slowly but surely kill off the entire Jay-Z catalog of songs with smarmy references to them:

You can see the reporter's mind turning, thinking "I'm going to make a reference to his song '99 problems'...this is going to be COMIC GOLD!" Thus is life as Jay-Z, seeing morons butcher your lyrics and having to grin and bear it. It's only a matter of time before a dorky Steve Berthume-type sports anchor says, "With a win tonight, the Nets were truly 'Big Pimpin'". Whomever says this must be immediately executed.

Chicago? New York? Really?

Mark Stein has been all over this ride that Mike D'Antoni has taken on the coaching carousel. Given how the window of opportunity for a championship closed last year, a move out of Phoenix makes sense, but really? Chicago? New York? Does he realize that he's getting essentially the same general manager in John Paxon that he had in Phoenix and that Donnie Walsh looks like Paul Bearer (Endless thanks to The Sports Hernia for the pic)? Did he notice that he'll be giving up his ultimate tempo pusher, Steve Nash, and only getting Starbury or Kirk Hinrich in return?

Given that Don Nelson completely gave up on his team this year and that he's wavering on coming back, couldn't D'Antoni step in and provide a more consistent (aka reasonably sane/sober) presence on the Golden State bench? Baron Davis, when healthy, is a top 5 point guard and they've got a deep young bench that was left under-utilized by Nellie.

There's been no offer yet by either team since he's looking for Skiles-money, so there's still time for Chris Mullin to make up Nellie's mind for him.
(Actually, Hinrich does come complete with his hot wife [on the right], so maybe it's a lateral move after all...)

Ben Gordon Likes Him Some Tea And Crumpets

If this upcoming Olympics is any indication, apparently there are a bunch of quality players in the NBA who are British.  

Yeah, I didn't believe it either when I read it. 

 Besides John Amaechi, who almost no one had heard of before he came out as the first openly gay basketball player, I had no idea British people even knew what a basketball was.  I envisioned them changing the channel from NBA games to the live coverage of British Parliament while they ate various jams on toast and plotted nefarious ways to put a stamp tax on America once again.

 

Turns out I was wrong.  Right about now is when Paul Revere hops on his horse and starts yelling, "THE BRITISH ARE COMING!"  Word is that Ben Gordon will join Bulls teammate Luol Deng on the British national team for the 2012 Olympics.  Yes...the same Ben Gordon and Luol Deng who have absolutely no accents and probably have never even heard of cricket.  Turns out Ben Gordon was born in England and then taken to America at a very young age.  Meanwhile, Deng moved to England as a youngster to escape conflict in his homeland of Sudan. I like these sort of fun loopholes that allow NBA players who wouldn't play for US

A basketball to compete in the Olympics.  Next up: Mike Miller to play for the French national team simply because his hair looks dirty and he probably smells like cigarettes!

Almost all of the other players on the British Olympic Basketball Team are kids in American universities, but we wouldn't be surprised to see another NBA player hop in there while there is time left.  Heck, if I wasn't so damn patriotic I'd try out for them myself.  I can't lie: I would be doing it entirely for the off chance of getting close enough to Hugh Grant to kick him in the balls. 

11 Player Deal Makes Everyone Forget Who Is On Seattle, Cleveland, and Chicago

Yowza!

In the wake of THF writer G.L. Rawx's prediction that there wouldn't be any more trades before the deadline today, the Sonics, Cavs and Bulls decided to trade about a bajillion guys.

Here's how it breaks down from a technical standpoint:

-The Cavs get Ben Wallace, Joe Smith, Delonte West, Wally's Szczerbiak, and the Bull's 2nd rounder.

-The Bulls get Larry Hughes, Drew Gooden, Cedric Simmons, Shannon Brown

-The Sonics get Ira Newble, Donyell Marshall, Adrian Griffin.

Now here's how it breaks down from a casual NBA fan's standpoint:

-Cleveland got a 33-year old Wallace, who is averaging 5 points and 8 rebounds, and his bloated contract. The missing championship link? I don't think even he believes that anymore. As for the rest, Delonte West isn't a bad pickup...but I am REALLY excited about Wally's World being on Cleveland. The same guy who basically made KG's life a living hell by bungling plays and singlehandedly lost games for Seattle will now be doing the same to King James. I can't wait to watch how this goes down. I shudder in advance for Cavs fans.

-The Bulls added guards number 500 and 501 to their roster by getting Hughes and Shannon Brown, but also got some big man help in Drew Gooden and Cedric Simmons. To be honest, I have absolutely no clue if there was really any plan that went into this move on the Bulls part. The trade probably just went down like this:

Bulls: "Hey Cavs. We want to rid ourselves of Ben Wallace at any cost. That whole huge contract thing was our bad. We really don't care how this deal goes down. You fill in the blanks, take and give who you want, and call us in the morning."

-As for the Sonics, I guess I'd have to say they were the winners in this whole thing just because they traded away Wally's World. If they think they've one-up the Grizzlies in the "we're going to dump salary at any cost" contest, they need to take a look at how Gasol is doing on the Lakers and think again. No one ruins their fanbase like the Grizz.

I'd comment more on this, but 11 player deals make my head hurt after a while. Let's just say that despite the hype it is likely none of these teams will sniff a championship after this and call it a night.

Welcome To The Club JamesOn!

*I love how news networks rush so fast to report filth, that they stumble over simple stuff like how to spell a name!*

So apparently Jameson Curry, a Bulls rookie on the D-League team, suffers from what my buddy Andre Andreas calls, "bitch bladder." For the bitches out there that have yet to realize the uniqueness of your bladders, that means that Jameson pissed in an alley next to a Hampton Inn in Boise and got nabbed by the police for it.

What's even more awesome is that he tried to nonchalantly walk away and slip through a locked door even though it was totally obvious he was caught by a police officer. Ultimately, he was arrested for misdemeanor charges of resisting and obstructing an officer, and urinating in public. He's since made the $600 bond, allowing him to possibly participate in the NBA Development League's Showcase at Qwest Arena. The good news? The Bulls still like him more than Joakim Noah.

Bulls Team To Noah: We Don't Like You

I have watched the ol' "NBA basketball" with many people, and seemingly all have said of Joakim Noah, "Wow. That guy yells and pumps his fist all the time. He seems to do it whenever he farts, let alone scores. I wonder if that gets annoying after a while." To this I usually respond by taking a swig of beer, and then pumping my fist and doing a primal yell.

Apparently the Bulls agree with most people who find Joakim Noah annoying. ESPN is reporting that Noah was benched for Sunday's game with the Atlanta Hawks...BY HIS OWN TEAMMATES.

Yes, you read that right. Noah had been suspended for a game for being a jackass to Bulls assistant coach Ron Adams, but when he was to come back for the game against the Hawks his own teammates went to Bull's brass and said no dice. It seems as if Noah is typically late to meetings and generally a bit of a jerk to the people around him. The team is hoping to send a message that he isn't a drooled-over (by male sportcasters, no woman would touch him) anymore, and the sheer lust they feel for his mom will no longer force them to tolerate his antics.

This action by the Bulls team completely floors me. The NBA is a land of crazy personalities and assholes, and in the midst of that the team still said Noah just was too bad to be on the floor. On top of that, I thought the team would really take dictator-Skiles' departure as a cue to relax a bit on discipline, but it looks like they are going in the opposite direction.

This leads me to the direct reason why I agree with the Bulls' decision to bench Noah. It's not his attitude. It's not his annoying enthusiasm. It's not even that NBA draft photo of him.

The reason I just do not want to see Joakim Noah on the floor is that he looks like that ugly lunchlady you inevitably had at some point in high school/grade school growing up.

Think about it. That person always had a mole. She always had that really gross hair tied back in a haphazard hair net. Her teeth were crooked and a bit on the yellowish side. She ALWAYS needed a shave. Now we have a basketball player who is the physical embodiment of every lunchlady you wanted to forget (except one lunchlady I had, who looked EXACTLY like Bebop from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles).

I figure that the less of Noah I see on the court, the less I am emblazened by flashbacks of finding hairs in my food and realizing they came from the creepy creature with the mashed potato scoop.

--------------------------------------

Author's Note: To back up the beginning of this article, I set out to find one photo or two of Noah doing a yell and a fist pump. What I found were THOUSANDS of such photos. No wonder this guy's team told him to shut up and pass the gatorade.

Rantin' John: Pippen & Mr. Submarine

Few people can provide good basketball commentary like our good friend Rantin' John, longtime friend of the THF crew.

I've often thought that if Rantin' John and Gordon Ramsey were in a room together, you would see Gordon crying hysterically as John yelled at him that "THE RISOTTO IS UNDERCOOKED!" and "THE WELLINGTON IS RAWWWW!" You just can't hold a candle to him.

Intros really do nothing though. Take it away, R.J...

-Black and Blue Jor
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A new year, same old shit.

However this has brightened my outlook in ways unimaginable:


There are a couple things I love about this. First, the laughably bad production values and line reading. Second, the wholly unsubtle gigantic phallus-shaped submarine sandwich with all its dripping lustful innuendo. "This is one 6-footer (sic. this giant fucking dick) I can't handle one on one, come on girls, let's have a party"....with the clear implication that this impromptu meeting on the b-ball court will blossom into a three-way orgy interspersed with grade-F sliced delicatessen cold cuts.

Then to follow all that up with an image of Pip and the ladies eating sandwiches on the floor mid-court.....amazing.

And I can't even put into words the end, where Scottie Pippen, easily one of the greatest players of the 90's DUNKS a submarine sandwich.

How can you top that?

Oh yeah, by including an inexplicable "payment due" card being put on a desk from a following commercial, as if to highlight all of Pippen's horribly misguided financial dealings over the years, including this wonderful commercial.

Welcome To 2008...You Feel Like Balls, Don't You?

New Year's Day, or "Hangover Day" as it is called in most circles, is upon us.

The NBA wisely does not have any games scheduled today because they know the bright lights and loud noises would anger most of America. That "sneaker-against-the-floor-squeak" sound probably drove one too many people to change the channel. I personally use the words of Hubie Brown as hangover medicine, but that's just me.

As we pop the advil bottle open, let's all do a silent nod to the fact that there actually was some basketball played last night:

-Orlando beat Chicago in overtime thanks a winning shot from the superhero known as "Turkoglu". Those people that bet Turk would look like a sure All Star this season are smarter than you or I, my friend. They also do not exist.

-Portland's 13 game winning streak was snapped against Utah, meaning they won every game in the month of December except the first and last one. No Greg Oden, ladies and gents. Scary.

-Toronto, looking good on and off these days, rallied to beat the New Orleans Hornets last night. Chris Bosh, who started off the year pretty slow, is once again terrorizing opponents. Watch out, ladies who like long necks, your heartthrob is back.

-As soon as Don Nelson got thrown out of the game, the Warriors rallied and beat the Houston Rockets. Nelson (pusher of the wine seen if you scroll to the bottom of our site) is so popular amongst his players that they said afterwards that they were inspired by his outburst. I think they were just defending the guy who was throwing the best New Year's party later.

That's about it as far as the good games go. Detroit destroyed the Bucks and other stuff happened, but you probably already left your computer to go back to bed at this point. Best of luck with your hangovers, America!

Damn, Jager...