Is That All You've Got: An Anal Thermometer Watch

If you were to ask Black and Blue and GL who the biggest pick-up outside of Kevin Garnett was going into this season, they'd surely say it was Orlando's addition of former Supersonic Rashard Lewis. And why wouldn't they? With the size to post up smaller defenders and range to pull the larger ones away from the paint, Lewis has a career average of 18, 5, and 2. His ability to stretch the defense would hinder the competition from double-teaming franchise star, Dwight Howard. That alone would be worth his max deal paid over six years, right?

So far, not so much...

While his scoring average has dropped slightly, it is consistent with his career numbers. The big knock against him: he hasn't shot this poorly since his rookie year yet, he's jacking up a league-high 6.9 threes a game and shooting 2 less free-throws a game.

Enter the Holy Turk. Despite uncertainty of his role on the team or if he'd even make it through the season without getting traded, Hedo Turkoglu is averaging career highs in points, rebounds, assists, and free-throws attempted. He's emerged as the team's best facilitator in the half-court offense while proving he's the most clutch player on the team when the game's outcome hangs in the balance.

Unfortunately, he's reminding those optimists from the pre-season that Lewis isn't a spring chicken anymore and that he will never become a player worthy of wearing the title of superstar. In fact, he fits more closely into the category of good player on a bad team if anything. I don't want to rain on the parade of those who've fallen in love with Howard and the Magic, but Lewis's massive contract will prove to be a major roadblock in the road to a championship for the next 5 years. With Lewis clogging up the salary cap, can you really expect this team to make it to the finals, much less put up a decent fight against any power from the West? Because that's what this is all about at this point.

THF Anal Thermometer Watch: Houston Rockets Edition

Tonight the Rockets won their 11th straight game, beating the Hornets (our previous Anal Thermometer Watch Subject) with Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady combining for 62 of the team's 100 points. With the team appearing unstoppable lately, it's time to put on the ol' bifocals, take out the stethescope, and see what's gotten into the guts of these Rockets lately.

First and foremost I have to point out that the success of Houston boils down to far more than just Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming. Those two players contribute a ton, but the other players on the team have really stepped up and a are the glue that holds the team together...That being said, if either T-Bac or Yow! Ming (as the doctors know him) get significantly injured again this team will sink like a stone. -Actually like a stone tied to a 2-ton weight.

We already know a ton about McGrady and Yao, so let's take a gander at the rest of the team shall we?

First, let's talk about Shane Battier. Most people remember him as that incredibly hyped Duke guy coming out of college, since he has really blended into the background with a somewhat boring game and even more boring persona. I perfer to focus on his natural gifts, which to me means focusing on the fact that there are aerodynamically cut ridges in his skull:

Seriously, I can't look at him without focusing on those skull ridges. What ARE those? If someone told me he carved those in to achieve higher speeds like drivers in NASCAR, I wouldn't bat an eye.

Next, we have AND1 "Skip To My Lou" Rafer Alston. Now THAT is an interesting character. Not only does he have the playful ability to skip while dribbling the ball upcourt, but he also allegedly slashed a man on the neck during a nightclub altercation. Really, that is what most people should look for in a role model and (when possible) ghostwriter for an autobiography. When I'm retired and famous, if my autobiography doesn't involve the words "nightclub altercation" than I have not lived a full life.

Next we have Luis Scola, the man G.L. Rawx likens to Antonio Banderas. I hesitate to agree with this, as I personally think he looks more like WWE Superstar "Rhino". For those of you not familiar with the wrestler Rhino (few are), his only move was to charge at a guy and spear him to the ground. Success completely revolved around this move. This all leads us to the inevitable conclusion that I somehow have more to say about WWE wrestler Rhino than Luis Scola. The guy rebounds and usually scores around 10 points. I dunno.

Beyond those three, we have a nice mish-mash of players. The team just traded for Flava Flav-lookalike Bobby Jackson, a guy who somehow is still productive despite getting fouled in a horrific fashion by someone at least once per game. They are also getting Gerald Green, the guy who did the "blowing out the candle dunk", which was arguably the coolest dunk in this year's dunk contest (he has teammate Mutombo jumping up like a schoolgirl on television at the sight of Dwight Howard's superhero outfit to thank for him losing). Lastly, Aaron Brooks is somehow making his name respectable again, despite sharing it with his backwards-pass-throwing counterpart in the NFL.

On a scale of 1-1o on the THF Anal Thermometer Watch we give the Rockets a bombastic 10 and the only prescription that can calm the feva is more cowbell rating. I picked them to come in second in the Southwest at the beginning of the season and it is good to see doing well so as to help me seem like less of a moron now than I was earlier in the season. Yay for that!

THF Anal Thermometer Watch: New Orleans Hornets Edition

The New Orleans Hornets, a team that one third of NBA fandom still calls the "Charlotte Hornets", the other third calls "That team with the late 80's teal and purple colors", and the final third calls "The asian bees" (what's with the eyes on that thing?) is looking good this season.

-And not just "good". They're looking "goooood" in a 'Billy Dee Williams winking at you, buying you a drink, and next thing you know you're another notch on his bedpost' way.

The team that The Howeva Files so wisely proclaimed would finish last in the Southwest Division is not only somehow winning the division (which contains the Spurs, Rockets, and Dallas), but is also 4-0, have beat some damn good teams in the Lakers and Nuggets, and last night blew a wet fart on all sorts of team records.

TEN 3-pointers for Peja? TWENTY-ONE assists for Paul? Yowza.

Which leads us to the obvious follow-up point: Why isn't anyone talking about this? The answer lies in the fact that the Hornets just aren't sexy in a lot of people's eyes. They don't have a cool, hip location like New York, they don't have a bad boy who cheats on his wife and makes the headlines like Kobe...they don't even have an original logo, having blatantly ripped off that Georgia Tech logo.

What they seem to have that those other teams don't is a good, deep team: David West is the best player no one in the world talks about (including his relatives probably), Chris Paul seems obsessed with assists, when healthy Peja still can do almost anything on the court except shave, Tyson Chandler filled his Chicago quota by blossoming after he left there, Morris Peterson is pretty good when he tries, and reserves Rasual Butler and Bobby Jackson remain two of the league's most fun reserves to watch...despite most people thinking Bobby Jackson died several years ago by looking at him.

And as if it wasn't a big enough slap in the face that no one has been paying attention to them, they are playing in rebuilt New Orleans and can barely get as much press as Drew Brees' face-mole thingy. They should be respected for playing there.

Well, we want to change that.

At this point in the season, on a scale of 1-1o on the THF Anal Thermometer Watch we give the Hornets a very respectable 9 and chock full o' disease rating, which amounts to a huge enjoyability in watching them, and probably the ultimate reason that Bobby Jackson is decaying.

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On a side note, the friendly folks at RealGM.com just informed the site that the Hornets have a secondary logo that is pretty cool. It is provided for you to see on the right there.

How in the WORLD is this not their primary logo? Like that old 50's Cleveland Browns elf, it is seemingly on the shelf in favor of a shit stain.

Love the fleur de lis and penis-shaped head. I might write David Stern I like this logo so much.