The 2009 NBA Playoff Awards

Although my Magic fell short, it was an absolutely amazing NBA playoffs this year. There were tons and tons of surprises, which made things interesting. Who would have thought I would find the Lakers, a traditionally cocky jackass team, to be a substantially classier team than the Celtics, a traditionally...well...CLASSY team? Who would have seen the Bulls giving a good run for a while there? Who would have possibly seen Nuggets actually amounting to anything past the regular season? Let's take a look at the playoffs as a whole, and dish out some awards as we do so.

Most unstoppable award: Kobe Bryant

Sure, Lebron got all of the hype and the MVP award, but Bryant was the king of the "Oh my God how did he possibly make that shot while getting fouled by three people and getting kicked in the balls by the mascot"shot.

Biggest "where did they come from" award: Chicago Bulls

The Bulls were a team that everyone wrote off from the get-go. How could you NOT write them off when they had two of the most overhyped collegiate players in Noah and Tyrus Thomas? By the end, Vinny Del Negro looked like a superhero, instead of someone whose name translated into spanish as "Vinny Of Black".

Most irritating award: That Heineken "Just A Friend" Commercial

God Dammit. This piece of crap played during every commercial. Yes, we get it. You should let an old guy drive you and your blonde friend (with a noticable underbite) home when you drink. You should sing a song by Biz Markie. I wonder how many taxi drivers are pissed off on a daily basis by college kids singing this in the back of their car and trying to be cute.

Were they in the playoffs? award: The Atlanta Hawks

Yes. Believe it or not they were in the playoffs. They actually got to the second round (technically). I don't remember it either.

Guy you could not believe was not suspended more award: Rafer Alston

Every time they went to commercial, TNT flashed Rafer Alston touching the refs in what appeared to be an inappropriate manner. Touching their bald heads, brushing off their shoulders, and even slapping their asses for a good call (yep, it happened). Remind me to never ref a game with Skip To My Lou, lest my tender butt be violated.

Most reliable death-toll for a team: Turkoglu doing anything cocky.

With the exception of that final shot to win the game against the Sixers, every time that Hedo would hit a big shot and do something cocky the Magic would lose. It happened against the Cavs, the Celtics, and the Lakers, all in games in which the other team came back to win with barely any time left. By the Lakers series, when I saw Turk laughing at the sky after hitting a big shot, it was automatic for every Magic fan in attendance to leave early to beat the traffic.

Most annoying coverage: The overwhelming Birdman coverage

By the end of the Nuggets series with the Lakers, I was almost rooting against the underdog just to end the millions of Birdman clips and stories. What, the media couldn't write about the sheer amount of sweat on Nene?

And finally...

The THF award for most ridiculous media coverage: The Denver Nuggets

Convoluted discussion on Birdman's tattoos, The WWE feud with Vince McMahon, the epic Mark Cuban-Kenyon Martin fiasco...this was a team that somehow brought insanity everywhere they went. You can almost see David Stern sweating through every series they had, hoping they would lose before one of the players came out with an underground prostitution ring or something (I'm looking at you, Linus Kleiza). Bravo, Nuggets, bravo.

Skip 2 My Lou To The Magic: Trade Grades!

The Trade:

Orlando gets: Rafer Alston

Houston gets: Kyle Lowry, Brian Cook

Memphis gets: Orlando's 1st round pick

Obviously there were more people added to this deal (Mike Wilks, Adonal Foyle), but since most of America is amazed those people still exist, we won't count them.

Orlando's Grade: A-

With Chris Paul giving a nonstop enema to the Orlando Magic guards the other night, it was obvious the team needed to make a deal before the deadline if they didn't want to see the season flushed down the toilet. In less than 24 hours, they orchestrated a deal for a starting point guard in Alston who fits their style perfectly and gave up almost nothing in return. Brian Cook would have been traded for a ham sammitch, and that "first rounder" is currently the 27th pick in what is looking like a crummy draft. Toss in the fact that Rafer has an expiring deal after next year and can remind the general public about that face-less AND1 logo and you've got a steal.

Houston's Grade: A-

It is obvious with McGrady shutting down the season that this team was going nowhere fast. Having a 32 year old Alston getting paid a lot didn't make much sense, and the team had to take a long, hard look at where it was headed. Enter Kyle Lowry, a player the franchise has always coveted and they can use to compete with Aaron Brooks to be the starting PG of the future. While Orlando will get the headlines on this deal because they are a more likely contender for the finals, this could be a deal that benefits Houston more in the end if Lowry keeps his per-minute averages up. Brian Cook adds some bench depth and some much-needed asshole-iness to what is a soft team. It's almost inceivable that a trade can benefit more than one NBA team these days, so write this day down in your journals, kids.

Memphis' Grade: D

Oh yeah, I forgot Memphis was involved in the deal, so there is your perpetual pooped-on victim right there. Memphis got a borderline 2nd round pick and gave up Kyle Lowry, a guy that was viewed as one of the few specks of hope on a volcano of despair in Grizz-country. To make matters worse, they still have no star power on their team to actually, you know, get people to come to their games (a minor detail). It's crazy that we live in a world where the Hornets can't get people to go to their games, Seattle is losing their franchise, and the Grizzlies exist through it all. It boggles the mind. Somewhere Big Country Bryant Reeves just shot a buck and ate it raw on the spot.

Here's some Skip 2 My Lou highlights to enjoy as we ease into the weekend:

Fail

DING DING DING! We've found a winner (and by that I mean loser) for worst jersey since the Dallas Mavericks shimmery trash bags of 2003. Not only is the jersey hideous, but it also seems as if Gerald Wallace is being terrorized by Louis Amundson's levitating basketball trick.

Other possible things happening in this picture?

1. Wallace is fighting off Amundson from performing unnecessary CPR.

2. Wallace is in fact a new born baby and Amundson is keeping him distracted until the crib arrives.

3. DeSagana Diop's dong became untaped from his leg, floored Wallace while Amundson cries.

Barkley Has Cat-Like Reflexes

I find most studio sports shows to be boring and filled with over-the-top fake laughs at stupid things. For example: Everything Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw have ever joked about and/or laughed at is not funny. See? Can't disagree with that.

That being said, the TNT show with Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, and Charles Barkley stands out like a beautiful mirage in the middle of a desert of Shannon Sharpe-led retardation*. The show is funny, and they all actually talk like a bunch of guys sitting around a bar (i.e. they actual are entertaining). Staying topical, here is how they talk about what's going on with President Bush lately:

Gotta love em'.

*While we are talking about sports talking heads that are tough to stomach, I will state for the record that Phil Simms' NFL commentary is just awful. I loved him as a player (him and Marino were my favorites growing up), but the way he shouts every single word with a weird-ass southern accent really gets under your skin after 5 seconds. The accent oddly only seems to affect words with an "i" in them. Example:

Jim Nantz: "Well, here we are at the Meadowlands. The Jets look ready to play, Phil!

Phil Simms: "YOU'RE RIGHT THERE, JEEEM! LOOK AT FAVRE THROWING OUT THERE! YOU CAN TELL THAT TEAM IS BEHIND HEEEM!"

Listen for it this Sunday and you too can hate Phil Simms' commentary as much as me. Yay!

Trade Review: J-Rich For Clothesline McGee and "The Boris Diaw Face"

Today J-Rich got traded to the Suns in exchange for Raja Bell and Boris Diaw...two folks that are now weeping as they accept their silly cartoon jerseys and ticket to one of the bottomfeeders of the NBA. As THF typically does when a trade goes down, I'll play teacher and see how to grade the the badass mofo GMs in this trade.

Phoenix Suns: B+ Let me just start off by saying this: I do not think Steve Kerr is a good GM. He totally bungled that Shaq trade, even with Marion being angry, giving up power and electricity for a center whose best days were behind him. Then he thought Grant Hill would be a good choice as starter (I am a Magic fan, so I can tell you that was NOT a good idea, Steve). Then, after he learned Grant Hill wasn't a good choice at starter, he got Matt Barnes and thought he would suddenly explode as a solid scoring option. -All this being said, I think he actually made a good deal here. This can only lead me to one conclusion: Jason Richardson surely has a lingering injury that will immediatlely render him useless to the Suns. It's the only way this makes any sense to me. Still, for the time being I have to give Steve an "atta-boy" and a pat on the rear.

Charlotte Bobcats: D- The Bobcats traded away one of their best players for...a 32-year old guy who serves mainly as a utility player and a hit-or-miss Frenchman who is currently on the bench. Yeah, sounds about right for the Bobcats. I'd feel bad for fans in North Carolina if any of them actually liked this team. The real question is when Larry Brown will start alienating this team, calling them worthless and laughing when they talk about winning. I give it 4 months before Raja's first clothesline to Brown's neck. Bonus points mark this one up from an "F' simply for employing the services of the "Boris Diaw Face" (seen in photo at right), which is a team profile picture that says without words and hilarious bedroom eyes, "Suck my ****".

Congrats to both teams on the trade. Fans of ugly orange jerseys rejoice.
- Black and Blue Jor
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LET'S MAKE A DEAL
Yes Bobcat fans, your team can get worse. You've traded away an athletic scorer for a guy with a track record for clotheslines and a pear-shaped frog who once said, "I don't date American women. I have them." But hey, Bell is a Coach Brown type of guy and so is...oh wait, Diaw will be suicidal come New Year's.

As for Phoenix, this will likely accomplish nothing, but now they can argue that they have three (and when Shaq plays, three and a half) stars. At this point Bell is no longer the defender he's touted as, but after watching last night's game versus the Lakers I'm ready to bury all of Terry Porter's defensive philosophies.


THIS JUST IN!
Hall of Fame coach, fitness buff and known steroid abuser, Chuck Daly, smashed a fan's camera on a golf course. Pray to God that you never cross paths with this mentally unbalanced lunatic!

- Anubis Taylor

Let The Game Glitches Begin!

Wow, it's been barely a week since NBA 2k9, NBA Live 09, and NBA 09: The Inside were released and already the hilarious problems are popping up with all three. There are few things in this world that I love as much as seeing a bunch basketball players defying the laws of physics in video game form (Note: I love boobies).

Each game specializes in its own breed of crap. Without any further ado, let's take a look at the awards they have each won in their short lifespans.

Best jump ball: NBA 2k7



Best free throws: NBA 09: The Inside



For my favorite, you have to go with the ol' glitch standby, NBA Live.

Best use of GHOSTS! DAMN, DIRTY GHOSTS!: NBA Live 09

On a side note, what kind of name is "NBA 09: The Inside" anyway? Colons in game titles: For Jackasses.

Game Informer Says: NBA Live 09 Better Than NBA 09: The Inside

Wow...that might be the most boring title I've ever used. I have a bad taste in my mouth after that. For shame, Jordan...for shame.

Anyhoo, both NBA 09: The Inside and NBA Live 09 were released today amid almost no fanfare. We have our first real look into a side by side comparison, coming from game informer. How'd they stack up? Read below, you misfit!

Game Informer Sez:

NBA Live 09

Score: 78

"NBA Live 09’s gameplay improvements make this the best game in the series. If more care would have been taken to the new modes, it might have unseated the 2K franchise."

NBA 09: The Inside
Score: 65

"With gliding players prone to stepping out of bounds, animations that lock you out of reactionary movement, and lackluster commentary, the on-court action offers a similar dose of mediocrity as years past. The low post game is a mess, the strategy suffers from simplicity, and the defensive system lacks the sophistication (and usefulness) of its competition."

Wow. If I were an NBA 09: The Inside programmer I would either be putting a hit on Game Informer writers or jumping out of a window (and NOT using the bodies of Wall Street employees that have already jumped out as a spongy pillow). Round 1 goes to NBA Live.

Alright, we'll take a break from this until some more reviews come in so this doesn't become misconstrued as a video game site. There is nothing I hate more than nerds, except maybe self-righteous video game nerds.

Previewing...The Preview Of NBA Live 09 VS NBA 09 The Inside

Tomorrow is the day that this upcoming year's NBA video game titles drop. As I've mentioned in previous columns, I'm an avid PSP player so this unfortunately leaves me unable to get the superior 2K franchise games.

So what are they saying so far?
-----------------
NBA Live 09

Play UK
"It's a real step-up from last year's version of NBA Live, which felt stilted and robotic by comparison." (Translation: Gameplay seems better)

Playstation: The Official Magazine (US)
"But small gripes aside, NBA Live 09 delivers some great basketball and will please most PS3-owning basketball fans." (Translation: I don't own a PS3...so does that mean all I am left with is the small gripes?)

PSM3 Magazine UK
The actual gameplay is still awkward and slow next to the flowing brilliance of "2K." (Translation: Well, I knew this. Still, sucks to see it year after year).

Playstation Official Magazine UK
Measured against the rest of EA's high quality pro sports line-up, NBA 09 looks and plays a distinctly amateur game of B-Ball. (Translation: You're playing something the interns whipped up while the rest of the company literally killed chickens in ritualistic sacrifice to ensure Madden 09 would be good).

NBA 09 The Inside

Hardcore Gamer Magazine
Where NBA 09: The Inside shines is in its library of mini-games, more than making up for the lackluster core gameplay. (Translation: This is last year's game repackaged, but with better random mini-games and probably crappier actual basketball)
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Where does that leave me? No idea yet, but I'll make my decision soon. The replay-ability of The Inside calls to me for the second straight year, but I am tempted to go with NBA Live simply because it represents the great unknown which I have never experienced. Either way, I'll probably regret my purchase and still spend 80+ hours on the subway for Hedo Turkoglu to make a damn 3 pointer. Stay tuned!

Let The NBA Games BEGIN!...Ya Know...For Gamers

Last season I spent much time debating which NBA game I would get for my handy dandy PSP console. After reading about a million reports of the prevalent and oft-hilarious glitches in NBA Live 08, I went with the lesser known NBA 08. You can read about the two of em' here. In the end, I was quite pleased and gave myself a big pat on the back (this looked odd to the others in the subway).

Well, the first of the previews are coming out for the 2009 incarnations of these games. I've been in love with the NBA 2K franchise, but as usual God has thrown his head back and laughed at my attempts to play this while in transit, and thus the PSP has not carried it. That leaves me with NBA Live and NBA 09...yet again.

First we have NBA Live 09, and I have to say...it looks pretty darn good. The gameplay looks good and fluid, and the graphics are realistic.



Then you have NBA 09, which is going to be called "NBA 09: The Inside". I like this as it is incredibly vague, leaving every friend you mention it to saying, "Inside of what?" This of course leaves you to say, "Inside YO MOMMA!" Make sure you have good running shoes as you attempt this joke.

Taking a look at the series, it once again looks like the lesser of the two games in terms of gameplay and graphics, but seems to be notching up its role as "The game that you get for the random silly stuff that's elsewhere on the cartridge, like pinball and random guys yelling at each other...like in the video below..."On this..BLACK- TOP!"



I look forward to checking these games out and making my decision for you, the informed NBA viewer. More to come soon, including future pats on the back.

NBA Live, The EA Sports "We Don't Give A Shit" Franchise

Sorry Gilbert, although we all know you are the coverman for NBA Live 08, even you have to admit that EA Sports isn't exactly lighting it up on the basketball front.

Last year, nearly everyone I knew that owned a PS2, XBOX, or suped-up toaster opted for NBA 2k7 instead of NBA Live 07. I followed suit after a wave of bad reviews of NBA Live 07 convinced me to do so. I wasn't disappointed and had a blast with NBA 2k7.

This year, reviews once again seem to state that you are likely better off to go with NBA 2k8 instead of NBA Live 08 across the board, but I was not lucky enough to make this easy choice. You see, dear reader, I own a PSP portable thingamajig.

The only NBA games for the PSP this year are NBA Live 08, and NBA 08. While NBA 2k8 features a sleek looking Chris Paul on the cover, and NBA Live 08 has a determined Gilbert Arenas, NBA 08 has a somewhat confused Amare Stoudamire, looking sideways like he just smelled a Rosie O'Donnell fart.

NBA o8 is the red-headed stepchild of the three titles. While it has NBA play like the other two, it ALSO promises (and I'm not making this up) a mode in which you play as Amare Stoudamire...playing carnival games like Whack-A-Mole, Skee-ball, and Pinball. They also have something called "Conquest Mode" in which you play other cities and take over their best players like Risk.

Since usually gimmicks = garbage, I opted to go with NBA Live 08 for the PSP. The unknown of NBA 08 was just too terrifying and I wussed out.

Usually when I buy a game I feel great, but this time I felt kinda crappy. I felt like I had settled for the sister of the hot girl...the one with a unibrow and teeth sticking out of her forehead. I wanted to feel better, so before I opened the package I looked online for some videos past and present of various NBA Live games.

This video is what I watched to see what I would get to look forward to with NBA Live franchise. Enjoy:



I promptly ran out of my apartment, hopped on a bus, and returned NBA Live 08 for NBA 08 and felt great about it. You know you made the right choice when you feel good about yourself after spending close to an hour and a half on a trip to exchange a video game.

Time to play some Amare Whack-A-Mole.