Nothing Says "NBA Opening Night" Like Some HOT MILWAUKEE BUCKS ACTION!

The NBA began games tonight with the usual band of playoff and ratings-centric teams:

-The Celtics, America's "Hey you can bandwagon Boston basketball too!" team

-The Cavs, a team no one will care about once Lebron leaves...but everyone loves now. Jot down these fans' names now and see who they're rooting for in 7 years.

-The Bulls, a team with the #1 overall pick in Derrick "Poodini" Rose.

-The Blazers, otherwise known as the squad of players who should all be gelling and getting a championship together any day now...yup, any day now.

-The Lakers, everyone in the world's pick for 2008-2009 champion. It's all about the Radmanovic.

Somewhere lost in this bombastic group is the Milwaukee Bucks. They have Richard Jefferson now! Let's see what Luke Ridnour does! Lets...man, I can't even continue. You know all you're going to do is stare at Charlie Villanueva's Young Frankenstein-esque brow and try to say "Luc Richard Mbah A Moute" three times fast. On the bright side, they are playing the Bulls, who might need some time to get used to Derrick Rose and...actually, wow, they already lost.

I envision David Stern shooting an angry look across a conference table, and an executive stammering out, "I-I thought the Bucks would be a good idea! Get some of that Packers fanbase into the NBA!" before getting dumped out of his chair into a pit of fire like in Austin Powers.

Three Way Dilly, Milli Vanilli

Today the Bucks, Cavs, and THUNDER...KAPOW!...sorry, I just feel the need to do that when I say that team name...agreed to a deal. The deal essentially gives the Cavs starting point guard Mo Williams, the Thunder Joe Smith and Desmond Mason, and the Bucks get a heaping pile of excrement. -By this I mean they get washed up guard Luke Ridnour, Adrian Griffin, and Damon Jones.

What does this mean for the teams?

A) The Cavs are morons - Mo Williams is pretty good...but that's all he is. He isn't an elite guard, and he isn't a horrible one. What he IS, as a matter of fact, is the thing that could screw the Cavs over in 2010 when Lebron becomes a free agent and Mo Williams' then 9.5 million-a-year salary kicks in. When your snobby friend points out how this trade helps the Cavs out a ton, be sure to point this out before you laugh in his face and steal his girlfriend.

B) The Bucks are thinking about the FUTURE - They have Luke Ridnour, who looked like something Earl Watson shat out, at point guard. They dumped a ton of salary. They got Damon Jones, which pretty much says to anyone out there, "Yeah...we're not really taking this seriously". On the bright side, they'll have a bucket of money to throw around at free agents...who would love to wear green jerseys with deers on them...in Milwaukee...yep.

C) The Thunder are named THE THUNDER - KAPOW! - Little else is really important here. Desmond Mason is alright, I guess. With a new logo, new colors, and a new city at least we'll recognize Durant as the roster gets messed with.

That is all. Good DAY, sir.

Who Else Likes Trades?!?!

This guy does, cause he got out of Milwaukee. However, in bat$**t crazy news, the New Jersey Nets have decided to trade Richard Jefferson to Milwaukee for Yi Jianlian and Busty Busterson Bobby Simmons. If you ask Milwaukee right now, they love trades. They got RJ for 300 million Chinese fans basically. If Yi really and truly hated it there (like he said he was going to and his agent said he was going to and everyone else besides Bucks ownership said he was going to), then I'll be pretty excited to see what he will do in New Jersey.

I think New Jersey will give Yi a chance to be on the receiving end of better team basketball, which will help him grow considerably more than he would watching Michael Redd shoot. Personally, I don't think Yi is a bust. If he was going in that direction, he would look more like Wang Zhi Zhi by now. As far as Most Improved Player '05 Bobby Simmons goes, I don't know what he brings to the table for New Jersey. They have such a glaring need for 6'6" combo guards I guess.

As far as Milwaukee goes, they stole an All-Star. Does this get them closer to contending in the East? No it sure doesn't. Does this give them an out in the Get-Rid-of-Yi-Amicably game? Yes it does. So happy trails RJ, good luck with that franchise, and I'll have fun playing Association mode in NBA 2K9 with your squad; I'll have you contending by 2011, and I'll bring you more superstars. You can take solace in that.

The Bucks Will Serve Your Head-Scratching Transaction Needs!

One of the things I like about the NBA is the predictability of teams.

For instance, you KNOW that at some point JJ Redick, Walter Hermann and Kyle Korver are going to wind up on the Pacers eventually because they just fit that whole "streaky-shooting white guy with no defensive skills" mold.

You also know that at some point Ron Artest and Rasheed Wallace (probably in the twilight of his career) will end up on the Knicks, because they just fit too perfectly into the Knick's age-old "we are a safe haven for thugs" mold.

I could go on and on, but this brings us to the rumors that Zach Randolph could be on his way to the Bucks. On one hand, he is a great fit in New York because he is a complete thug that could body double in the movie Young Frankenstein, but he almost makes more sense on the Bucks because they have a penchant for making that move. You know which one I am talking about. The move that makes everyone watching on the sidelines say, "Um...are you sure that this is a good idea? I, uh, I really don't know about this one."

Think about it and look at some of the moves the Bucks made over the past few years:

-The Bucks get Charlie Villanueva for T.J. Ford. NO ONE says that the move is a slam dunk, but rather "I dunno...this huge brow guy was someone that everyone said was drafted too high...and now that our point guard is finally healthy you are trading him? I hope this pans out."

-They sign Bobby Simmons from the Clippers after only a short time doing well. (golf clap)

-They draft Andrew Bogut first overall over Deron Williams, Chris Paul, Raymond Felton...hold on, let me catch my breath for a second....Andrew Bynum, David Lee, and Danny Granger. Somehow Fran Vasquez's talents elude a Bucks jersey.

-The team at one point considers Ruben Patterson a vital cog on its roster. Yep.

-They draft Yi Jianlian despite the fact that he says he doesn't want to play for the Bucks and has questionable skills (-except when posting up chairs in draft tryouts...he is the man at doing that).

It's quite amazing actually. Looking at the Bucks roster is like following a trail of tears, where you can actually pinpoint the moment where the franchise was laced with another bad move. If it weren't for Michael Redd, who I am CERTAIN is either going to ask for a trade soon or kill himself in a blaze of glory (can I suggest Michael Hutchance-style?), the franchise would be perennial cellar-dwellers.

So THAT'S why Z-Bo to the Bucks makes so much sense. He just would be another forehead smack for Bucks fans. It's only a matter of time before dog-fighter Qyntel Woods and JR Smith join the Bucks path to glory.

I can't wait!

Lebron Finally Says What I've Been Saying All Along

First off, huge props to the Miami Dolphins, my favorite NFL "team" (I put team in quotes since they resemble an unorganized batch of mental defectives this year rather than a cohesive group). Miami managed to actually win a game, beating the Ravens behind the silly putty arm of Cleo Lemon. Now that they are assured of not being the worst team in sports history by winning, I can now relax and ignore this NFL season in style.

Back to basketball, today Lebron James spoke out and said that I wasn't too far off with my assessment of him wincing at the talent surrounding him on the Cavs, admitting that the Cleveland Cavaliers just aren't championship material:

We’re not playing very good basketball,” he said. “Right now, we’re not a very good team.”

Cleveland coach Mike "Al Roker" Brown disagrees, saying, "Right now, we’re reeling a bit because of the losses". This is substanially easier to stomach than what he should be saying, which would be an Ozzie Guillen-esque tirade of, "We're pretty, but we suck ass when you actually take your eyes off of Lebron".

Part of a closer inspection of the Cavs' problems reveals they have an inability to beat "easy" teams. Their most recent loss was to the 76ers, a team whose mere presence in the league these days seems to involve making other teams implode over the sheer fact that they lost to them. Remember when the Knicks lost to the 76ers and all hell broke lose? They should go by a new name: "The Philadelphia 'And you will know us by the trail of dead'"

Tomorrow night the Cavs play the Bucks, a team who is somehow one half-game better than them in the standings. While the Cavs are bad, the Bucks are 2-11 on the road so this would be a true test of how awful each of these teams are. My prediction? Cavs win by ten and Yi blows his brains out at the end of the third quarter.

Were You Drunk And In Costume? Here's Your Opening Night Recap

THE NBA SEASON IS HERE...YOU KNOW...FOR ALL THE TEAMS NOW!

We had lot of questions this offseason that needed answering:

1) Is Cleveland really going to be THAT bad this season?

2) Do the Magic have a legitimate shot at being a contender this year?

3) Are the Nets done?

4) Will this be the season the Spurs finally look beatable?

5) Will Kevin Durant ever pass?

If last night's exciting opening night was any indication, we were on the road to getting them answered:

1) Yes

2) Yes
3) No

4) Yes

5) Durant: "Passing? Is that like shooting at another person and not at the hoop? Never heard of it."

Let's start with the game that everyone was hyping the most: Cavs vs Mavs. This game was over in the first quarter as Dallas outscored Cleveland by 14 early on. After that, it was one titanic stomach-churning realization that this Cavs team will be on television every waking hour and are really awful to watch when Lebron isn't hitting his shots. Mavs won 92-74.

The game yours truly was watching (I did my Halloween partying this past Saturday) was the Magic-Bucks. A revamped Magic team playing against the biggest question mark in the league in Yi was too good to pass up. This game actually was back and forth until the 3rd quarter, when the Magic hit almost everything they threw up from the three point line and lept from being down 1 to being up by 20. Rashard looked amazing, the Magic demolished the Bucks, and the Orlando looked like a team befitting being called THF's pick to win the Southeast. In the end Magic won 102-83.

They may have sat up angrily from their recliners and yelled at the neighborhood kids for being on their lawn, but the Nets still have what it takes as they played the Bulls well. They played an extremely good game against the team every sportswriter in the world picked for Eastern Conference champ this year in the Bulls. Memo to the sportwriters: If the team is making a wacky attempt to get Kobe Bryant, they aren't sold on their roster being good enough. As Ron Burgandy said, "It's science." Nets won in overtime, 112-103.

As for the routine killer of NBA ratings (Which I proudly contribute to. They are boring as hell), the Spurs had the new-look Grizzlies gave them a run for their money last night. Memphis is a hot team to pick this year for getting back to the playoffs given their new coach in Mike Iavaroni, a healthy Pau Gasol, and the grooming of promising picks Rudy Gay and Mike Conley. Sure enough they looked pretty good out there and had a lead at the end of the game. That Grizzly with the glowing yellow eyes got into their minds and told them to keep fouling Ginobili at the end, a huge no-no. Darko looked like a turd out there tonight. Spurs won 104-101.

In the late game, it was time to view the THF pick for Rookie Of The Year and All-Emaciated Team Member in Kevin Durant's Sonics against the Nuggets. For fantasy basketball teams, he had a pretty good all around night, but for anyone watching the game it was quickly learned that Durant does not like passing. Even the sportscasters were saying, "He's trying to do it all himself, and doesn't seem to realize that involves getting his teammates the ball." FINALLY, what we were waiting for. As Jesus was the physical manifestation of God's love (or something like that), Kevin Durant appears to be the physical manifestation of TMac's "It's on ME!" speech. Man, I love the NBA. Nuggets won 120-103

As for the rest:

Raptors beat the 76ers 106-97: Bargnani looked great, TJ Ford's back reports no problems, 76ers lose their first of what will be 80 straight games.

Pacers beat the Wizards 119-110 in OT: Agent Zero hits a buzzer beater three to send this game into overtime, but the Wiz still can't overcome Caron Butler's attempts to lose this game for them (He had 8 turnovers).

Hornets beat the Kings 104-90: Those 3 people watching this one were treated to Chris Paul shredding Sactown for 22 points and 12 assists. Sorry, Brad...the cornrows were not good luck.