Amare Likes Your Shirt...Now Give It To Him

Discussing Who Is The Real Superman

Normally I find anything involving Ahmad Rashad to be completely moronic and devoid of any type of information that I would find useful whatsoever. Thus, it came as a surprise to me when I watched this clip about who the real Superman was and found myself entertained.



-Granted, I wasn't entertained by Ahmad in any way (if you don't count me enjoying how uncomfortable it was when the panelists look at the screen, waiting for the clip to roll, and it never does...or at the end when he can't find the right word and just gives up), but I'll throw him a bone because he was marginally involved in the segment.

For the record, as much as Dwight is my boy and Shaq ruined the Magic franchise for years to my horror, I have to go with Shaq as the true Superman. Everyone talks about the athletic ability, but the guy is simply the best entertainer the league will ever know. For this, even I have to love him.

Say Goodbye To Your Face, Steve

The Suns may have won the game against Atlanta today, but in Josh Smith's mind he is a winner. Check out this dunk/murder by Josh Smith.



That's I guess what happened on that planet in Star Wars when they said "It's as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced".

Trade Review: J-Rich For Clothesline McGee and "The Boris Diaw Face"

Today J-Rich got traded to the Suns in exchange for Raja Bell and Boris Diaw...two folks that are now weeping as they accept their silly cartoon jerseys and ticket to one of the bottomfeeders of the NBA. As THF typically does when a trade goes down, I'll play teacher and see how to grade the the badass mofo GMs in this trade.

Phoenix Suns: B+ Let me just start off by saying this: I do not think Steve Kerr is a good GM. He totally bungled that Shaq trade, even with Marion being angry, giving up power and electricity for a center whose best days were behind him. Then he thought Grant Hill would be a good choice as starter (I am a Magic fan, so I can tell you that was NOT a good idea, Steve). Then, after he learned Grant Hill wasn't a good choice at starter, he got Matt Barnes and thought he would suddenly explode as a solid scoring option. -All this being said, I think he actually made a good deal here. This can only lead me to one conclusion: Jason Richardson surely has a lingering injury that will immediatlely render him useless to the Suns. It's the only way this makes any sense to me. Still, for the time being I have to give Steve an "atta-boy" and a pat on the rear.

Charlotte Bobcats: D- The Bobcats traded away one of their best players for...a 32-year old guy who serves mainly as a utility player and a hit-or-miss Frenchman who is currently on the bench. Yeah, sounds about right for the Bobcats. I'd feel bad for fans in North Carolina if any of them actually liked this team. The real question is when Larry Brown will start alienating this team, calling them worthless and laughing when they talk about winning. I give it 4 months before Raja's first clothesline to Brown's neck. Bonus points mark this one up from an "F' simply for employing the services of the "Boris Diaw Face" (seen in photo at right), which is a team profile picture that says without words and hilarious bedroom eyes, "Suck my ****".

Congrats to both teams on the trade. Fans of ugly orange jerseys rejoice.
- Black and Blue Jor
*************************************************************************************

LET'S MAKE A DEAL
Yes Bobcat fans, your team can get worse. You've traded away an athletic scorer for a guy with a track record for clotheslines and a pear-shaped frog who once said, "I don't date American women. I have them." But hey, Bell is a Coach Brown type of guy and so is...oh wait, Diaw will be suicidal come New Year's.

As for Phoenix, this will likely accomplish nothing, but now they can argue that they have three (and when Shaq plays, three and a half) stars. At this point Bell is no longer the defender he's touted as, but after watching last night's game versus the Lakers I'm ready to bury all of Terry Porter's defensive philosophies.


THIS JUST IN!
Hall of Fame coach, fitness buff and known steroid abuser, Chuck Daly, smashed a fan's camera on a golf course. Pray to God that you never cross paths with this mentally unbalanced lunatic!

- Anubis Taylor

No Gimmick Is Too Crappy For The Suns

Last year, the Suns treated us to a completely ridiculous multimedia website, which I've detailed here. If completely crazy computer effects are any indication, Steve Kerr and company have not let the 08-09 season go by without flushing tons of money down the toilet in self-promotion.

This year the Suns are going with a "Planet Orange" campaign, which doesn't really make much sense to me and sorta sounds like a new Mountain Dew flavor. This comes complete with a completely silly, but nontheless entertaining video


This begs the question: How was this video pitched to Grant Hill? I can only hope it sounded like this:

Suns executive: "So just to recap, Barbosa will be made to look like the roadrunner, Shaq will do a Godzilla yell, and Nash will play with the basketball like a soccer ball. We'll even give useless Diaw some fire or something."

Hill: "What am I going to do?"

Suns executive: "You're going to run up a mountain, dressed like a dragon with a flamethrower attached to your face. We'll then need you to flex at the camera and do pelvic thrusts."

Hill: "Bullshit. I'll dunk for you and that's it." (Walks out of the room, shoving Steve Kerr as he does so.)

Poppovich Rocks

I wrote previously about Shaq badmouthing the Spurs and their Greek God-bearded coach for playing "Hack-A-Shaq" and hitting him throughout the game. Moments into the Spurs-Suns game, this happened. I LOVE Poppovich.

Shaq Talks Like A Movie Trailer

Seriously, what are we going to do when Shaq decides to retire? What are we going to do for hilarious, well-crafted quotes in an NBA landscape that is increasingly filled with generic post-game "We did our best against a good team" bullcrap? I have a feeling that it won't be until Shaq retires that we all look at what is left and say, "Wow...where did all of the entertainment go?"

Hold on a sec, let me step down from my soapbox.

Ah, much better.

The reason I'm writing about Shaq today stems from his awesome, Chuck-Norris-esque quotes in regards to the San Antonio Spurs playing "Hack-A-Shaq":

"The only thing I call cowardly is when you're up by 10 and do it," O'Neal told Phoenix radio station KTAR. "That's a coward move, and [Spurs' coach Gregg Popovich] knows that, and I'll make them pay for it."

You can almost picture Shaq saying this, silently walking out of the room, and putting on sunglasses as the building explodes behind him in an orgy of fire. Real people don't talk like this, which makes it all the more rare and fun. I keep waiting for the movie trailer narrator with a deep voice to hop in and say, "Rated R, now playing in select cities". I'd like to think that at some point I too will get the chance to drop badass quotes like Shaq, but instead I will likely continue to make due with my roundhouse kicks to the faces of evildoers.

Chicago? New York? Really?

Mark Stein has been all over this ride that Mike D'Antoni has taken on the coaching carousel. Given how the window of opportunity for a championship closed last year, a move out of Phoenix makes sense, but really? Chicago? New York? Does he realize that he's getting essentially the same general manager in John Paxon that he had in Phoenix and that Donnie Walsh looks like Paul Bearer (Endless thanks to The Sports Hernia for the pic)? Did he notice that he'll be giving up his ultimate tempo pusher, Steve Nash, and only getting Starbury or Kirk Hinrich in return?

Given that Don Nelson completely gave up on his team this year and that he's wavering on coming back, couldn't D'Antoni step in and provide a more consistent (aka reasonably sane/sober) presence on the Golden State bench? Baron Davis, when healthy, is a top 5 point guard and they've got a deep young bench that was left under-utilized by Nellie.

There's been no offer yet by either team since he's looking for Skiles-money, so there's still time for Chris Mullin to make up Nellie's mind for him.
(Actually, Hinrich does come complete with his hot wife [on the right], so maybe it's a lateral move after all...)

Holy Crap That Was Fast: Mike D'Antoni and the Suns Just Broke Up

As a Suns guy, this actually makes me sad, but word is that the Phoenix Suns are done with former coach of the year and mustache rocker Mike D'Antoni.

During last night's post game press conference, D'Antoni was mum about his status with the team, keeping focus on the team and his pride in them. However, upper management seems to be ready to cut ties with the man who made the eight-second-offense sexy again. Game 5 in the Spurs/Suns series marked the third time in four seasons in which Phoenix was ousted from the playoffs by San Antonio, so I can see the logic in management's win now/something has to change move.

Since D'Antoni has 2 years left on his contract with Phoenix, any team that wants to discuss employment of his services needs to ask for permission. Chances are it won't, but this could play out like the day after a bad batch of Isiahcorn. Most see this as a possible reunion with Colangelo-lite, since it's likely that Toronto Raptors coach Sam Mitchell will get the boot, but Chicago and the Knicks are both out there, so they can't be counted out.

Will Phoenix be able to replace greatness? Who knows, but there's always this.

SHIRTLESS!!

Surprise! Robert Horry Is A Dick

Every year, Robert Horry seems to win a ring. Similarly, every year Robert Horry tries to prove to the world that he is a jackass. Sadly, only one of these things is widely acknowledged by the American public (hint: it's not the second one).

Last year, Horry famously kicked Steve Nash's ass, which resulted in getting Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw tossed from the series. Obviously, he would have to keep up his rep this year.

I present exhibit A, your honor. Here is Mike D'Antoni getting ejected the other day for yelling about Horry's blatantly unsportsmanlike play. The best part is the completely oblivious announcers not quite understanding how such a thing could happen.



I give this series one more game before Robert Horry tries to claw the eyeballs out of Leandro Barbosa's head, only to have the announcers say, "Robert Horry seems to be trying to help Barbosa with his contact lens...why is Mike D'Antoni so angry?"

Western Conference Playoff Preview: This Could Get Messy

Now that the Western Conference games are over, we finally have all four match-ups cemented and ready to be predicted upon by idiots like me and Tim Legler. Seriously, we've got this covered. You don't need to watch. Why are you still considering to watch? We're going to tell you who'll win!

LA vs. Denver

Winner: Lakers in 4

Whyzzat?: I think I know the reason for 'Melo's DUI. It probably dawned on him that night that he was going to have his ass handed to him by Kobe in front of a national TV audience. The Lakers swept the regular season series 3-nil by an average of 16+ points and Nuggets gave up a second-worst 106.9 points per game. You could kind of tell that George Karl stopped believing in this team's chances early on since he saw just how bad of a defensive team this is. But damn! They're fun when those shots are falling.

New Orleans vs. Dallas

Winner: Dallas in 7

Whyzzat?: This is the prediction most likely to go wrong as biologists have discovered that my lips are permanently attached to Jason Kidd's ass. Yet, if tonight's game proved anything at all it's that Kidd is done trying to play second fiddle to Dirk. If Dallas can consistently get the ball out of the hands of the phenomenal Chris Paul, they should be able to come away as winners and then get slaughtered in the next round. But, if Chris Shinn feels like firing off his gun into Dirk's face, he's more than welcome to.

San Antonio vs. Phoenix

Winner: Spurs in 7

Whyzzat?: Last year, this match-up was the de facto championship which included nasty cuts, hip checks, and suspensions galore. Instead of following past years' credo to play faster than they ever have before, the Suns have gone the other way with their mid-season acquisition of Shaq. This could actually spell trouble for the defending champs, who are limping into this series with their team MVP, Manu Ginobili, hobbled. HOWEVA, if he can play, he'll put the Spurs over the top.

Utah vs. Houston

Winner: Jazz in 5

Whyzzat?: This year, McGrady's not even going to pretend that it's on him. This team is basically running on fumes and it's a shame. Expect at least one heroic game from Tracy, who may be without Skip To My Lou for part of this series. The Jazz better do the Rockets in quickly because they're not going to want to have to face a well-rested Lakers team after getting into a slug-fest with Houston.

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of March 3-9

Lots of fun games coming up this week, and with our fancy new shortened name, we figured there was no better time to break out a new weekly staple: WE TELL YOU WHAT TO WATCH. We'll begin every week with a glance at the top 3 games to watch and their oh-so-fun storylines. It's sort of like the Sporting News' "On Deck" Column, but with less actual info and more photos of Megan Fox (Maxim says she can only cook Hot Pockets and Eggo Waffles. HOT!)

Without any futher ado, here's our top 3 for this week:

3) Cavs at Knicks (Wednesday March 5th):

Knicks to Stephon: "-AND NEVER COME BACK!...So, uh, you coming to tonight's game?"

Remember that crazy ban the Knicks put on Stephon Marbury last Friday? Yep, 'tis gone. The Knicks invited the guard to their home game on Monday with super short notice, and Isiah actually ran away when asked if there were any restrictions on what Marbury could say. We figure this time around Marbury will have some time to actually show up, and will probably drop some f-bombs for the kids. Anything that happens on the court is just icing on the cake.

2) Rockets at Mavs (Thursday March 6th, TNT):

Assuming they beat the hapless Pacers on Wednesday night (we'll go out on a limb and say they win it unless Travis Diener starts...the man is 87 pounds of pure fury), the Rockets will be looking to extend their winning streak to 17 games when they face the Mavs. This game will probably break some sort of record for amount of times a guy's injury is mentioned. We suggest you watch it on mute, folks.

1) GAME OF THE WEEK: Spurs at Suns (Sunday March 9th, ABC):

This game will be sort of like a limbo contest because at this point it's all about "How low will the Suns go?!" I'd be more proud to say that I called Steve Kerr singlehandedly ruining the Suns chances at a championship if every other person on the planet didn't silently predict the same thing. Notice to NBA owners: former players do not equal smart businessmen. These people buy cars with night vision as investments!

MUST MISS OF THE WEEK: Bobcats at Timberwolves (Tuesday, March 4th):

The Bobcats are 4-22 on the road. The Wolves are 12-46 TOTAL. Something's gotta give. -We think it will be our stomachs.

Kobe Vs. Shaq: Gee, Anyone Watching This One?

Tonight on ESPN the Suns take on the Lakers for what seems like the 8 zillionth time in the past two years. We have the fun playoffs that featured these two teams going head-to-head to thank for that (and their mutual love of the color purple).

This game is different though, for obvious reasons you've probably already had yelled in your ear all day by television and radio analysts: Shaq will be on the Suns, and it is a fun coinkidink that his first game is against arch-villain Kobe Bryant. Somewhere David Stern just laughed to the heavens as he did the backstroke in a Duck Tales-esque money bin.

Personally, it couldn't be easier to figure out who America will be rooting with on this one. Kobe is a sneering, angry, trade-request plagued primadonna who got lucky in that his team surrounded him with some amazing talent this season. Shaq, meanwhile, is the aging goliath who has funny things to say, always gives a ton of credit to his teammates, and even helps fat kids shed weight for fun (I guess we all have our weird hobbies). Toss in the fact that the Suns are perennial also-rans and they will be playing at home tonight to a fired up crowd and this one could break the record for "most people in America rooting for one team". -Well, if you don't count the Super Bowl this year (Daily twisting of the knife in Patriots fans: Check).

Ultimately I predict a pretty incredible game with the Suns winning a close one at the end. I base this entirely on the fact that Phil Jackson will probably be typing up everything for his next book during most of the game. The game is about to start, and although they are two great teams, I will join the nation of NBA fans by having my eyes squarely on two players for most of the game:

Yep, you guessed it: Boris Diaw and DJ Mbenga!

I will use this photo above to point out one of my favorite things in the NBA ever: A little thing I like to call "The Boris Diaw Face". A while ago, I pointed out to my friends that Boris Diaw always looks like he is giving a girl the "You know you want me" face in all of his profile photos. We have since used this expression in social settings numerous times:

Me: How did last night at the club go?

Friend: Not good. I was giving girls "The Boris Diaw Face" all night and STILL nothing!

Me: I guess it's time to start dating farm animals then, my friend. That move is unstoppable.

The Best Team Website I've Seen So Far

If you were wondering what was going through Steve Kerr's head when he traded Marion for Shaq, we now have the answer: Pepperoni.

-At least that's what appears to be at the forefront of his mind in the spellbindingly bizarre Virtual Phoenix Locker Room online, easily my favorite whacked out basketball website this year.  Kerr starts the intro to the site (at least when I clicked on it) talking emphatically into a phone about how he needs to make a move that's in the best interest of the team.  Quickly he reveals he's talking about what type of pizza to order, and from there it just gets weirder.

There is a security gorilla guarding the door, Leandro Barbosa waxes poetic with daily affirmations, and Steve Nash talks in length about Dirk Nowitzki.  If you ever had the urge to see Steve Kerr yell at the mascot that the locker room is for players only, you are in luck. 

By far my favorite part is when you go into the virtual office of Mike D'Antoni, who looks like he was practically tied to his chair and forced to say his lines by Suns management.  Here are two gems, straight from D'Antoni's mouth:

"What's a five letter word for exit? Leave!  No, I'M SERIOUS! LEAVE!"

and

"You know the difference between you and me? That's right - moustache."

-And as a bonus, for absolutely no reason at all, the tv in D'Antoni's room is constantly tuned to Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.

Simply wonderful.  I urge you to check out this site as soon as possible, dear reader.

Suns, you may have made one of the more boneheaded trades of the season, but I'll be damned if I don't like the work you're doing on the web.

Your Move, Dallas

With the Lakers stealing Gasol, the Suns getting the broken-down jalopy known as Shaq, and the Spurs getting...well, no one, but they're the SPURS...today NBA fans shifted their collective eyes to the Dallas Mavericks and wondered what the notoriously soft franchise would do to stay in the hunt. I still think Mark Cuban mowing down the other teams' best players with a machine gun like the end of Scarface is an option, but I appear to be alone on this one.

It was not too long ago that we were all discussing the inevitable trade that would send Kidd to the Mavs, a bunch of talented bench players to the Nets, and the cosby kid known as Devin Harris to the Blazers, but I haven't heard about that trade for a while which means the deal probably got more complicated. How could it NOT get more complicated? With the Suns and Lakers making such big deals, you know the Nets and Blazers (along with everyone in America) sensed the Mavs desperation. When trade partners sense desperation, they ask for more in compensation, and when that happens people start giving the finger and mooning each other angrily and it all goes to hell. I have had games of Uno end this way.

So what do the Mavs do now?

To the Mavericks I say take please page out of Frankie Goes To Hollywood and RELAX. While the media is going crazy over these acquisitions, take a moment to actually look at what you have around you: Your team is doing quite well this season. You have two promising stars that are getting better every year in Josh Howard and Devin Harris. If choker Peyton Manning and borderline special-ed Eli Manning can each win a championship, then Dirk can too.

"But what of the other teams?! What of their moves?!" you ask, slowly before I smile and pee on your shoes. To this I also say RELAX.

While Pau Gasol was a completely amazing bit of thievery even the hamburgular was impressed with, the Lakers still have Andrew Bynum on the mend and need everyone else to step up a bit who isn't named Kobe. I call them the Celtics West in that they need the other players around them to prove their worth before I can consider them even a "team" let alone one who can beat other good "teams" in the playoffs like the Spurs and Pistons. Out of all of their players, I consider Lamar Odom the real wild card as to whether this team has enough punch to be a potential dynasty or yet another pretender.

As for the Suns, the Shaq move could turn out well for them...but more likely than not we will see fat kids from Shaq's Big Challenge crying on the sidelines when the big guy sits out his 12th straight game. Even Nets President Rod Thorn doesn't think Shaq is any good and his team is making 8-game losing streaks and bad signings (Hey, resigning Vince Carter is a graaaaand idea!) look easy! To quote Thorn:

"What was Shaq going to do for us? Absolutely nothing."

And for the Spurs, I see this as the year they finally begin to show their age in the playoffs and fail to win the title. Yes, people have been saying that for a while, but I have been keeping hope alive with that team and am finally at the point where I can logically say, "I think the decline will begin now." Yes, I am actually declaring firmly that the Spurs will not win this season. It was, after all, about 80 years ago that Brent Barry was in that slam dunk competition. If you don't remember what I'm talking about, ask your grandparents about it.

Knowing the morons running a lot of these franchises, the Mavs will probably wind up pulling the trigger on a bad deal which involves their young stars instead of finding a way to get Eric Dampier the hell out of there. Still, if they don't do anything I don't mind saying that I feel they have a fighting chance. -After all, I DID predict they'd win it all this year over Detroit.

Still, just to be safe, keep any and all firearms away from Mark Cuban.

Big Trade Commentary Part III (Last One, We Promise)

I just HAD to chime in on this one.

Man, I had just said earlier this past week that the 2007-08 season is "The Year of You have got to be KIDDING me! Trades" . Now this happens. Let's recap what kind of a world we live in:

-Shawn Marion traded for the hollow husk that used to be Shaq?

-Pau Gasol traded for Kwame Brown. THE Kwame Brown?

-Kevin Garnett traded for Al Jefferson and a pile of dog excrement?

-Jason Richardson traded for Brandan Wright, an unproven rook (who isn't doing squat)?

-Ray Allen traded for Wally's World, Delonte West, and a pile of magic beans?

It would be one thing if these deals looked bad in hindsight, but all of them looked horribly bad right from the get go. I have officially lost any sympathy for the Grizzlies, Timberwolves, Warriors, and Sonics for at least the next 5 years. We can now add the Suns to that list.

The Marion-Shaq trade, or "Shaq-gate" as I will heretofore refer to it, completely blew me away when I heard about it at work today. In fact, here is the conversation I had with the coworker who told me verbatim:

Coworker: "Hey did you hear about the big trade in the NBA today?"

Me: "No, what happened?"

Coworker: "Shawn Marion got traded."

Me: "WHOA! For who?"

Coworker: "Shaq."

(Silence)

Me: "Haha, very funny."
Coworker: "No man, I'm serious. Check it out. It's everywhere online."

Me: "Weird. Well, I guess Phoenix must be getting a bundle in return. Who else are the Suns getting?"

Coworker: "No one. It was Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks for Shaq."

(Silence)

Me: "-But...but...Phoenix does a run-and-gun style! This makes no sense!

Coworker: "I know".

Me: "And Shaq is useless at this point anyway! Shawn Marion is one of the best players in the league!"

Coworker: "I know".

Me: "Damn, what a weird year. I'm off to lunch. Call me if the Suns trade Steve Nash for a box of Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets."

Talking to others it appears there was a similar reaction across America to this trade. Flabbergasted people were mumbling things like, "Well, now I guess Amare gets to play power forward, which is his natural position". Sorry, but even this line of reasoning doesn't make much sense. Shaq basically plays as frequently as a solar eclipse.

I have to step back for a moment and congratulate the down-and-out Miami Heat for somehow getting someone to take one of their most overpaid, overweight, and old players (it was tough to type that as I love Shaq) in exchange for Marion. I went back and forth on how they managed to do it. Did they send a cardboard cutout of 1997-era Shaq? Did Steve Nash temporarily lose his short-term memory and demand this trade happen? Does Isiah Thomas in any way have a hand in Suns team decisions?!?!?!

Nah, in the end I think it boils down to one thing: Rookie mistake by Steve Kerr, who seems to have flown too close to the Sun employment-wise. With Kerr's two big moves so far being the acquisitions of Grant Hill and Shaq, he seems to only want players that were stars in the league back when he played.

-You know what that means...Shawn Kemp to the Suns! Man, I can only hope.

Miami To Be Saddled With Marcus Banks, Part II

Continuing the Miami-Phoenix trade coverage, in my opinion this move by Phoenix smells like desperation. The Suns have been neglecting their budget and have ignoring to build through the draft, which makes their ever-present future bleaker by the year. By taking on the 35-year-old's massive contact, they're making a statement that they have no choice but to win now before the LA combo of Kobe, Pau, Bynum, and Odom reigns supreme.

Shaq doesn't exactly seem like a perfect fit for the "7 seconds or less" system Phoenix has been running since Mike D'Antoni arrived. Although his size will finally put Amare Stoudamire back into his natural position at power forward, Shaq may get in the way of the relentless Nash-Amare pick and rolls the Suns run. On the plus side, Phoenix's ability to stretch you out with their long range shooters will give Shaq more room to operate in the paint than he has this year in Miami.

What I hope is not overshadowed is that Shawn Marion will finally be getting his wish to leave Phoenix. Despite the personal and team successes Marion's been a part of, he's often demanded to be traded, making him become the Manny Ramirez of the NBA. If you've read Jack McCallum's book on the Suns, you'd have a better insight as to why Marion felt so under-appreciated. It's going to be quite interesting to see how well Phoenix does without his defense around. Often times, Marion was exhausted from being undersized against his match-ups, but even more so from having to erase Amare's boneheaded mistakes with terrific help defense.

Lastly, Marcus Banks blows big fat donkey dick.

Common sense is telling me that although this will cause a lot of ruckus, Phoenix will still fail to win the desired championship. Plenty will have to go right for them, including having a healthy O'Neal come playoff time. Does this help Miami either? Not really, but I bet they'll win a few more games.

BREAKING NEWS: Let's Make a DEAL! I'll Take the Aging Big Man and the Retarded Contract Behind Door Number 2 Monty

Let me start by saying I never thought I'd say this deal's getting done, but this deal's getting done. All preliminary reports say that Shaquille O'Neal is going to be moved to the Phoenix Suns for Shawn Marion and a horribly expensive contract point guard Marcus Banks.

This deal looks sort of crazy on paper, but let's delve a bit deeper. We know why it makes sense for Miami, they get The Matrix, and they get to move Shaq's contract so they can still make their prophesied "splash" this summer, due to Jason Williams' $8 million and Ricky Davis' (Andre 3000) $6 million coming off the books; and with the record they'll finish with this year, their upcoming draft should go pretty well too. Phoenix on the other hand, gets to move Banks' and Marion's contracts, which is a blessing for them, but they get to pick up Shaq's ($40 million over 2 years left), which doesn't fix their luxury tax issues, and Banks is a point guard, already a position that the Suns are light on. So what good does this trade do Phoenix?

One thing it does is lets Amare Stoudemire go to the power forward position, which is his natural position, and which is GREAT for him in the West because teams will have match-up nightmares against him. Think of when they play against their rival San Antonio Spurs, and Popovich has to decide which guy Duncan guards, and who ever Big Fundamental's not on will get to take advantage of Fabricio Oberto (LL Cool Fab) and Fransisco Elson. Stoudemire's a bruiser that can dominate inside, yet his finesse, quickness, and athleticism is something the majority of Western big men have trouble defending. That in and of itself makes the deal pretty sexy.

Plus when Nash leaves, Amare is the leader whether anyone likes it or not, and Kazaam's not a bad guy to learn about being "the man" from. They also like the idea of Boris Diaw being Shawn Marion Lite at small forward, which he can do with his size, shot, and athleticism, and really, Marion was bringing the team down with his "I'm the Matrix when I want to be attitude" and his whining about playing second and sometimes third fiddle to Nash and Stoudemire (for more information on this, check out Jack McCallum's fantastic book Seven Seconds or Less: My Season on the Bench with the Runnin' and Gunnin' Phoenix Suns).

Overall, I like the deal. Miami probably won't be able to keep Marion due to his opt-out clause, but playing with Dwayne Wade changes people. Marion may become a vegetarian and start going to Pilates, or maybe even beat Dragonforce on Expert (the child in that video is not a real person, I'm convinced). So for all we know, he may want to stay there, and that could make Miami dangerous. Shaq may be a bit of a paper tiger, but he's still a low post threat which can draw double teams, and Nash can completely exploit that. Hopefully, this can be the blossoming of Boris Diaw that we've all been waiting for, and maybe Amare will grow up a bit and take it to that next level going from high quality big man to elite big man, because he's really really close and this might be exactly what he needs.

A Pair Of Damn Good Games

Rarely do I gush over games, but tonight NBA fans were treated to a pair of excellent ones. This once again proves to the world that God fully intends us to ditch our Christmas shopping for later in the week.

First off, the Orlando Magic took on the Dallas Mavericks. Moustached superhero Stan Van Gundy and his Magic were a hot team cooling off quickly (losing 4 of 5 games) and the Mavs were having the complete opposite fortune (winning 4 of 5 games). The stage was set for an utter blowout by the Mavs, but the loving-to-be-the-away-team Magic kept it close. With the clock ticking down to its final seconds, and the Mavericks up by 3, Magic guard Keith Bogans launched a three pointer and made it to much fanfare. The teams were tied with only about 2 seconds left or so and the game was poised to go into kickass overtime glory.

-Not so quick.

Dick Bavetta, remembering that it was a Monday and he was ALREADY about 3 hours past his bedtime, said no dice and ruled Bogans' shot a 2-pointer. That was the ball game. The crazy thing is that for a 100 year-old crypt keeper-lookalike, Bavetta is the still the best ref in the game. The replays showed that he was right and it looked like Bogans' toenail was on barely on the line. I should have known better than to ever question Bavetta, who looked like he could bitch-slap Chuck Norris after that call. What a fantastic game for both teams.

Then, came the other clash of the titans in Phoenix vs. San Antonio. The Spurs are invincible at home, with a 13-0 record that makes even the least skeptical fan believe they are poisoning the water fountain in the visiting team locker room. The game went back and forth until the Suns felt the pain of their bloody noses and surged to enter the fourth quarter with a 7 point lead. The Spurs started off the fourth with a 10-2 run and before I knew it the score was tied at 90 with less than two minutes to play...

It was at this moment that Dick Bavetta flew in on a zip line, wearing what looked like a purple cape and armed with a flame thrower. After hitting the floor at midcourt, he started screaming and turned on the flamethrower, fully igniting Boris Diaw who ran to the locker room. He then made 7 perfect calls in a row and made love to a gorgeous woman while giving Mark Cuban the finger.

Eh, actually the game after that point dwindled to a free throw shooting spree by the Suns, coupled with mistakes by the Spurs...but Bavetta would have done that if he were free.

Long story short, my dear friends, with the NFL regular season coming to a close and fantasy football leagues ending rapidly the NBA is starting to get really damn good. Tonight's games were just a preview of what is to come, so I hope you're ready for it.

Something tells me Keith Bogans will be trimming his toenails tonight.

NBA Live, The EA Sports "We Don't Give A Shit" Franchise

Sorry Gilbert, although we all know you are the coverman for NBA Live 08, even you have to admit that EA Sports isn't exactly lighting it up on the basketball front.

Last year, nearly everyone I knew that owned a PS2, XBOX, or suped-up toaster opted for NBA 2k7 instead of NBA Live 07. I followed suit after a wave of bad reviews of NBA Live 07 convinced me to do so. I wasn't disappointed and had a blast with NBA 2k7.

This year, reviews once again seem to state that you are likely better off to go with NBA 2k8 instead of NBA Live 08 across the board, but I was not lucky enough to make this easy choice. You see, dear reader, I own a PSP portable thingamajig.

The only NBA games for the PSP this year are NBA Live 08, and NBA 08. While NBA 2k8 features a sleek looking Chris Paul on the cover, and NBA Live 08 has a determined Gilbert Arenas, NBA 08 has a somewhat confused Amare Stoudamire, looking sideways like he just smelled a Rosie O'Donnell fart.

NBA o8 is the red-headed stepchild of the three titles. While it has NBA play like the other two, it ALSO promises (and I'm not making this up) a mode in which you play as Amare Stoudamire...playing carnival games like Whack-A-Mole, Skee-ball, and Pinball. They also have something called "Conquest Mode" in which you play other cities and take over their best players like Risk.

Since usually gimmicks = garbage, I opted to go with NBA Live 08 for the PSP. The unknown of NBA 08 was just too terrifying and I wussed out.

Usually when I buy a game I feel great, but this time I felt kinda crappy. I felt like I had settled for the sister of the hot girl...the one with a unibrow and teeth sticking out of her forehead. I wanted to feel better, so before I opened the package I looked online for some videos past and present of various NBA Live games.

This video is what I watched to see what I would get to look forward to with NBA Live franchise. Enjoy:



I promptly ran out of my apartment, hopped on a bus, and returned NBA Live 08 for NBA 08 and felt great about it. You know you made the right choice when you feel good about yourself after spending close to an hour and a half on a trip to exchange a video game.

Time to play some Amare Whack-A-Mole.