Traveling: Not Just For Lebrons Anymore!

Lately we've been getting a good amount of emails from people yelling, screaming and hollering Christian Bale-like about how the refs aren't calling traveling on Lebron. Thanks to this handy-dandy video from loyal reader Azhar, we have evidence that it's a league-wide brain-fart. Check out Corey Maggette doing a fun little jig when he should have his feet planted:



Basketball seems a lot more fun without any of that pesky "dribbling while moving" stuff in the way.

Durant Is Still Dodging the Thunderous Dunks

I took a look at Kevin Durant lately and decided that he still needs to add a wee bit more bulk onto his 37 pound frame. He is a great player, but methinks that if he wants to in any way be seen as a force of power and intensity he needs to start downing Pro Performance Weight Gainer immediately. Corey Maggette, do me a favor and back me up here:



Yowza. You can see how tentative Durant is going up for that block attempt, not even getting close to actually blocking the shot for fear that his arm would rip off like that guy on "Lost" last night. To add insult to injury, the ball flies through the net and slams Durant in the head, almost decapitating him. Will Durant sustain a crazy injury with his wirey frame, or will he somehow beat the odds like anorexia poster child Tayshaun Prince? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

Every So Often, Jamal Crawford Reminds You He Exists And Is Pretty Good

After having a post with the title "Fail" up all weekend, I thought I would go to the other end of the spectrum and show just how fun and exciting the NBA can be. For this, we look to a play from Jamal Crawford that actually got me up out of my seat. This is a pretty rare thing, not only because I only vault up out of my seat at the sight of ShamWOW ads, but also because Jamal Crawford's career has been a lesson in how to slowly creep into obscurity. Still, it's at least worth a golf clap and a kudos:




Sham-WOW!

Pre-Game Warmups Are A Time For Touchin'

If getting felt up is any indication, it's gooooood to be a Warriors announcer.



Wait. Those are a man's hands! It's BAD to be a Warrior's announcer! BAAAAAD to be a Warrior's announcer! (Runs into the shower and starts sobbing that I can't wash that comment away)

Stephen Jackson Is The Best

Stephen Jackson is one of my favorite players in the NBA. I don't find it particularly interesting to watch him play, and it isn't like he can lift a team with his spirit like Lebron or Chris Paul. I like Stephen Jackson because anytime you hear his name it is usually followed by something completely crazy and memorable.

Take his latest diatribe about how Rip Hamilton is weak. He doesn't necessarily attack Hamilton's game or his personality, but strikes him where it hurts most: His mask!

When Jackson was asked if he would wear anything protective after getting poked in the eye recently, he responded in typical amazing Stephen Jackson-esque fashion:

"No goggles. No, no, no. Never. I'm not going to be like Rip Hamilton, where my nose is broken eight years ago and I still wear a mask," said Jackson. "The only way I'll wear a patch is if my eye's closed. I'd rather stay with Captain Jack, not Pirate Jack."

Amazing. I want the last sentence on a corporate-style motivational poster. I give it a week or less before Captain Morgan finds a way to capitalize on this.

You Shouldn't Brag When Your Mascot Is The FTD Florist Guy

A Golden State Warrior boasting is a recipe for disaster.

People did indeed say these things, Monta Ellis, but how many of these things are now true? You aren't exactly a leader when someone can look at your Yahoo! profile and read, "Ellis is serving a 30-game suspension after sustaining a left ankle injury in an offseason moped accident." Leaders drive Harleys...followers use Segways and Mopeds.

Plus, the Warriors have come back to earth this year. They are 4-6 and already 4 games back in in their own division despite the fact that teams have only played 4 games. Honestly, there is nothing I like more than hearing a person boast egomaniacally in an ad and then watch as they fall from grace in a most spectacular fashion. Having a Golden State Warrior boast after one good year is like watching Gargamel celebrate after catching a Smurf...you know it's just going to get away from them in the end.

Now that I've said my piece, please enjoy the smooth listening sounds of someone who took the NBA on NBC song and made it sound like a video game. I love technology.

Oh Crap

Marcus Williams, put down those stolen laptops because you've become the only healthy option your team's got left at point guard! Sadly, Monta Ellis is going to be out at least 3 months after tearing an ankle ligament playing pickup. Don't give me that "for the love of the game" bull MJ! Monta's wheel is going under the knife because of guys like James Catusco:

Bay Area Citizens Now Forced To Clutch Onto Their Laptops

When I moved to Brooklyn in the summer of 2006 I was a pessimistic and non-committal Celtics fan. I had already endured sometimes mediocre, but mostly laughable pro basketball for 10+ years from the only team on TV in Connecticut and once I had settled into my new digs, my allegiance was up for sale. BBJ was adamant that I make the switch over to the Nets, yet I was still intrigued by the possibility that the Celts would secure UConn star point, Marcus Williams, and the second-coming of Bill Russell in Greg Oden over the next two drafts.

On the evening of the '06 draft, Jor and Rantin' John were waiting for me as I raced up the stairs to Jor's apartment to find out the picks I had missed while stuck on the platform waiting for the L train (a rite of passage for all Brooklyn hipsters).

"You traded for Telfair" was all it took for me to collapse to the floor in anguish.

As the remaining picks unfolded (hilariously, might I remind you that this was the draft that included MJ's pick of Morrison, Jor's assurance to commit hari kari if the Magic picked JJ Redick, Rudy Gay's watch, Balkman- inspired riots, Saer Sene, and McHale getting congratulated for picking the can't-miss Brandon Roy THEN trading him away) I saw Marcus land on the doorstep of the Nets. All of pro ball's experts and ESPN's haircuts said this was a draft day steal and that Danny Ainge was an idiot. I agreed and the soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets had one new fan.

Flash forward to today, the Celtics are world champs and Marcus Williams is exiled from the Nets and is now trying to fill in the vacated point guard spot left by Baron Davis. Not that I'm bitter, but WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?! At this point, I'm confidant that I won't have to worry that my laptop will go missing whenever I go away for a long weekend, but am not in regards to the future of Williams' career. Maybe Nets coach, Lawrence Frank's disgust for Marcus was ill-founded and Williams will blossom out west under the legendary Don Nelson, but it seems more likely that all the GMs who passed on him, including Ainge, actually knew what they were doing back on June 28, 2006.

Back With A Vengeance/Free Agency Move Grades

Back from the honeymoon and ready to talk NBA. I wanted to do a draft recap with grades and whatnot, but with players already showing their stuff in the summer league that would sort of be a cop-out. Plus, does anyone REALLY want to talk about Brook and Robin Lopez more than they have to? Nah, me neither.

Thus, instead let's take a look at what can only be described as a COMPLETELY CRAZY DAY OF NBA MADNESS...free agency style. I will grade the moves that happened today, because in my opinion everything in life should be graded (Ants? B minus. Teal dress shirts? D plus).

------------------------

Elton Brand To Philly: A-

Whyzzat? Everyone is saying how bad an idea it is that Brand is leaving a big market like Los Angeles and Baron Davis, who basically signed on just to be with him. I disagree. The Clips are the Kansas City Royals/Arizona Cardinals/...(hockey equivalent of this)... of the NBA, escape can only be described as a success. Also, the Sixers are a team seriously on the rise and Brand could be the vet that team needs to go somewhere in the playoffs. Yay for our favorite pornstar named coach Mo Cheeks!

Corey Maggette To Golden State: D-

Whyzzat? Corey spends allllll this time deciding betweenwhich contender to go to. Spurs? Celtics? Magic? -And then takes a tiny bit more money to go to a suddenly Baron Davis and Mickael Pietrus-less team that appears to be on a serious decline with how they've Hindenburg-ed this offseason. Golf clap for ending your career disgruntled, Corey.

Mickael Pietrus To Orlando: A

Whyzzat? The Magic wanted Chris Duhon and wound up missing out on the Knicks who spent too much. The Magic then wanted Corey Maggette and realized they wouldn't get him. Their third option will probably wind up being the best of all three. Mickael Pietrus fits their bill of defensive-minded guards who can shoot the three, as well as making fohawk-wearer JJ Redick sit even further back on the bench. I was annoyed when the Magic drafted Redick, but am warming to it since at this point the team appears solely dedicated to keeping him on the roster to find new ways to piss him off.

The jetlag is killing me, so we'll leave it at that today, but there is much more to discuss in the first few days of the free agent signing period. Hopefully we see more craziness, like Josh Smith sign with Olympiakos for a pile of chocolate coins. Stay tuned!

Wait Time Out... You Want to Retire?!?!

See what I did there with that title? This morning, Chris Webber is going to be calling a press conference to announce his retirement. As the picture to the right attests (w00t George Lynch!), Webber always knew how to capitalize on opportunities to make big plays. Oh let me stop!

Growing up in Orlando, I was very familiar with Chris Webber after my Magic took him first overall in 1993, subsequently trading him to Golden State for Penny Hardaway and 3 future first rounders. When he was a freshman in college, I was 11 years old, and completely caught up in the Fab Five; I started wearing the longest basketball shorts I could find, and decided that being Like Mike was no longer necessary, I could be a bruiser and control the paint, and that was way more fun than being THE GUY to me for some reason (maybe because I couldn't and still can't dribble, and I'm worthless on offense). I bought his Golden State jersey, and I thought he would be the future of the power forward position in the NBA. Ok maybe that didn't work out like I thought it would, but I was 13, Kurt Cobain was everywhere, my girlfriend had just gotten 2nd place on Nickelodeon's Guts, I mean it was a year that saw the release of Myst, Doom, Secret of Mana, and Star Fox, it was euphoria.

Today marks the end of a career that surprisingly puts him in the company of only 5 other guys who averaged at least 20 points, 9 rebounds, and 4 assists; a list that includes Wilt Chamberlain, Elgin Baylor, Larry Bird, Billy Cunningham, and Kevin Garnett. That is surprisingly impressive for a guy who came in to the league as a beast, and is leaving it a hobbled pass first big man. Don't get it twisted, he is nice with the passing, but I'm gonna miss the inappropriate time out calling, second degree assaulting, arrest resisting, marijuana possessing, gambling ring assisting, Tyra Banks dissing, 2 Much Drama recording, Mayce Edward Christopher Webber III.

Breaking News: Golden State To Regret This

Yes, boys and girls, Chris Webber is joining the Golden State Warriors.

The deal is for the veteran minimum, which may not sound like a high risk, but you have to remember that with NBA personalities there rarely is such a thing as a "low-risk acquisition". Keep in mind that Webber, a guy with shot knees, a diminishing shooting stroke, aged 34 years, who takes the occasional night off or three, had a huge enough ego that he had a list of requirements that a team had to fulfill before he deemed them worthy of his presence. I am not joking. They are as follows:

1) Play for a contender.

2) Play in a big market city.

3) Amongst a team of stars, still be guarenteed to play a certain amount of minutes every night (this held up his talks with the Lakers, Pistons, and Magic, who would have used him for sweat-mopping duty).

The cajones to demand such things while your knees are composed of the same substance that Han Solo was entombed in is madness. Why stop there? I say just keep demanding stuff, Chris!

4) Privelage to command team henchmen to carry out the immediate demise of anyone (fan or player) who mocks him with a timeout motion like the one he made in that NCAA championship game.

5) Once a month can take a dump in the mascot head before the person puts it on.

6) Force everyone in America to follow that clip of Tyra on her talk show yelling, "Kiss my fat ass!" with "...which Chris Webber tapped."

7) More commercials with Vlade.

On a related note, reasons number 1 through 100 why you might suspect your team is in the shitter? Your coach actually talking about Chris Webber like so:

"I'm afraid if we don't get him here [that] our team is not strong enough to be a playoff team," Nelson said. "That's my biggest fear. I think if he comes it can benefit our team, it can benefit his and my relationship, it can benefit players on this team."

Well, as much as I loved watching the Warriors with their amazing run last year, at least we can cross one contender off of the list a little earlier to focus on the others. I look forward to the future article "Golden State to America: "Yeah...so...that didn't exactly work out".

Last Second Shot Theme Night!

Apparently it was "last second shot" theme night in the NBA tonight. Three of the games ended in most dramatic fashion.

The Magic beat the Pistons on a last second jumper from "that overpaid guy" Rashard Lewis, snapping a 9 game losing streak against them. Both teams have been struggling lately, losing to teams like the Bobcats and Knicks, so something had to give. Coincidentally, both of these teams are also the ones competing in the "We don't want Webbe

r, you take him" sweepstakes.

On the other side of the luck coin, Al Harrington was unable to tip in a ball as time expired, costing the game for the Warriors. This was significant as it was against the Timberwolves, a team who appears to have their heart set on being as awful as possible this season. I could have swore I saw Kevin McHale in the stands frowning after the win and thinking, "Damn, I need that first overall draft pick so I can trade it to Boston!"

And finally, in Portland Travis Outlaw made a 20 foot jumper with 1 second left to propel the infant Blazers over the Atlanta Hawks. The Blazers are surprisingly deep on their team as the points, assists, and rebound leaders were of the unheralded variety: Travis Outlaw, Steve Blake, and Channing Frye. When Greg Oden comes back, this team will be the early years of the Spurs all over again (Cue high and squeaky-voiced Avery Johnson soundbyte).

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take some last second shots of my own (grabs a Jack Daniels bottle)...

Welcome To 2008...You Feel Like Balls, Don't You?

New Year's Day, or "Hangover Day" as it is called in most circles, is upon us.

The NBA wisely does not have any games scheduled today because they know the bright lights and loud noises would anger most of America. That "sneaker-against-the-floor-squeak" sound probably drove one too many people to change the channel. I personally use the words of Hubie Brown as hangover medicine, but that's just me.

As we pop the advil bottle open, let's all do a silent nod to the fact that there actually was some basketball played last night:

-Orlando beat Chicago in overtime thanks a winning shot from the superhero known as "Turkoglu". Those people that bet Turk would look like a sure All Star this season are smarter than you or I, my friend. They also do not exist.

-Portland's 13 game winning streak was snapped against Utah, meaning they won every game in the month of December except the first and last one. No Greg Oden, ladies and gents. Scary.

-Toronto, looking good on and off these days, rallied to beat the New Orleans Hornets last night. Chris Bosh, who started off the year pretty slow, is once again terrorizing opponents. Watch out, ladies who like long necks, your heartthrob is back.

-As soon as Don Nelson got thrown out of the game, the Warriors rallied and beat the Houston Rockets. Nelson (pusher of the wine seen if you scroll to the bottom of our site) is so popular amongst his players that they said afterwards that they were inspired by his outburst. I think they were just defending the guy who was throwing the best New Year's party later.

That's about it as far as the good games go. Detroit destroyed the Bucks and other stuff happened, but you probably already left your computer to go back to bed at this point. Best of luck with your hangovers, America!

Damn, Jager...

Come Get Your Smush Parkers! Selling Smush Parkers Here!

The Miami Herald, my favorite publication to read when I need to talk myself off of a ledge as a Dolphins fan, previously said that Miami is actively looking to trade Smush Parker (seen on the right, getting his junk grabbed).

This comes as no surprise as Smush was banned from the team following an altercation, and when he did play his moves (or lack therof) looked like that clip of Jean Claude Van Damme dancing in a leotard in that breakdancing movie he did.

What DOES surprise people is that somehow it seems there are teams interested in his services. These teams include Cleveland, Boston, Houston, and Golden State, at least according to the Herald and Pat Riley (so chances are it is bogus).

You take a look at that list and the first thing that jumps out at you is Cleveland's interest. After foolishly going with Larry Hughes, a move that looked like a bad idea at the time and wound up playing out that way, this interest looks similar. Cleveland is like that friend you have that keeps getting in bad relationship after bad relationship and you just watch from afar with a wince as it happens. Even though you say to him, "I dunno about that chick dude...she keeps downing shots and calling out people at the bar", he keeps saying, "Nah, man, it's cool. She's just having a bad day. This girl is the one man, I'm telling you. She is the ONE!" When he comes crawling back to you and says that she slept with someone else/killed a guy/turned out to be a guy, all you can do is be there for him. Hopefully the Cavs don't buy Smush a drink.

In regards to the Celtics, they are the Patriots of the NBA (both in talent and hatred levels) and with their needs for a backup PG they could somehow find a way to spin Smush into gold. I'm convinced a wizard cast a spell to make all Miami teams bad and all Boston teams good. If you don't believe me, just take a good look at the standings in all the major sports this year. It's CRAZY! If Boston could turn a dim bulb like Big Baby Davis into a huge sparkplug off the bench in his rookie year (which he has been this season), you know they have magic. For further proof, look at his incredibly awesome profile photo of Big Baby on the left. The only thing that would make it cooler is if he had cookie crumbs on the side of his mouth.

As for the rest, I think Houston and Golden State are just some names Riles threw in there since they likely wouldn't get Smush unless the asking price was basically free. Western conference = a tad more skepticism when talking about shit NBA guards.

Regardless, we wish the best to Smush on his NBA (or NBA Developmental League) travels. If an 8-23 team thinks you aren't good enough, you KNOW they're someone stupid enough to pick you up.

-You know somewhere Isiah Thomas read that last sentence and just rubbed his hands together. Get er' done, Zeke.

The Hell Are You Looking At?

HEY YOU! What....(BURP)....the....schnlar ya lookin' at? Ya, I'm talkin' to you! Ya feelin like ya wanna go home in a body bag, don't....(VOMIT)....don't....(VOMIT)....body bag don't....(VOMIT BLOOD)...don't ya? Oh I feel much better. SHIT! The....the shakes are back. DONNIE! DONNIE! WHERE'S DONNIE? (Weeps uncontrollably and falls out of chair)

HEY WHERE'S MY DRINK? YOU! You....it was you, you son...son of a BITCH! As soon as I get myself off this floor I'm gonna skull fuck you....yeah, I saw you eyeing my Rob Roy. When I get done with you, Hondo's gonna give you a Sloppy Thurston like we used to do back in the 60s.

Ohh, this is a nice floor....nuthin like this in Maui. Go ahead. I want you to have it.

BARTENDER! Gimme....gimme a si-(FART)-x pack of Schlitz. I'm in this for the long haul tonight. Wha? Where's Marciulionis? That Commie bastard was always good for a laugh. He was always asking me when we were gonna run some set plays. PLAYS!?!?!?!, I'd say. I had no idea no idea we were a bunch of pussies!

Baron Davis: Coach! Who are you talking to? Have you been paying attention at all to what's been going on? It's the 3rd quarter!

I Am Batshit Insane, By Stephen Jackson

Oh hi, I didn't see you there.

My name is Stephen, but friends in my hometown of Port Arthur, Texas call me "Stevie". You might have heard of me. I play for the Golden State Warriors and recently got named as captain. Pretty neat, huh? I also have an effective crossover dribble and can post up smaller guys on occasion.

-Those are just some silly little traits though. The important one is this:

I am completely, 100% batshit insane.

I know, I know, you're saying to yourself, "Oh, he's joking. This guy's quite the joker." I must assure you that I am not. I just took a shit in my pants while we were conversing on this busy city street. If you need more proof I am more than happy to provide it. I had a lot of fiber this morning.

"But what about Ron Artest", you say. "He is the most crazy one of them all?"

Hahaha. The demons in my head thought that was a good one!

Ol' Ronnie is just a quirky guy who is obsessed with that crap 'music career' of his and has a hairtrigger temper. If he wasn't so angry all the time, the public would be all over him like flies on Gilbert Arenas. He's been a perfect gentleman while in Sacramento, and meanwhile yesterday I had sex with a pineapple multiple times while hiding in the closet of a kindergarten class.

From what I saw, their fingerpainting drawings were shit, by the way.

Look, if you need a resume, over the past three years I've been charged with felony criminal recklessness, and a number of other misdemeanors, including assault, disorderly conduct, and two counts of battery. If I've been caught for all of that, can you IMAGINE how much I've done that I haven't got caught for? Can you fathom it? It took me about 6 of my personalities to fathom it, so I'm going to bet you'll have trouble with that one.

If you need a more high profile case, take that silly incident in Indiana with the crowd and whatnot. Ron Artest had garbage thrown at him, had fans hopping in front of him telling him to punch them, and retaliated. Me? I just launched myself into the crowd and starting swinging until I hit something. For you see, in Ron's head they were savage attackers who could have done him bodily harm. In my head, the members of the crowd all looked like this:

I fucking hate leprechauns, so those fans had to get their asses beat.

Anyhoo, I'm glad we had this chance to talk. You may be a fire hydrant, but I have to say that you are a great listener. Hopefully our paths will cross again one day again. If you need me, I'll be in that club, waving my gun around and screaming that banshees have invaded my pants. Talk to you later.

(Finishes urinating, zips up pants, and walks away)