WHOA!

Hedo For The Win

Hedo rapping and doing a silly little dance?  Glorious.

Examining The Four Team Marion Dilly

I love how stoned-looking Marion is in that picture.

According to ESPN, a mind-bending four-team deal is on the verge of completion.  The deal would send Shawn Marion to Dallas, allow Toronto more money for Turk by pulling off a sign and trade, give the Grizzlies yet more money and cash to throw in the gutter, and give the Magic a 7 million dollar trade exception to go shopping in free agency.

So what do we think about it?  Hmmm...

Mavericks:  The Mavs, obviously, got the big name in the deal in Marion.  With resigning J-Kidd, their lineup suddenly looks pretty damn good with Kidd, Terry, Josh Howard, Marion, Nowitzki, and Nowitzki's crazy-ass girlfriend (notice I didn't mention Dampier.  -I'm trying to make a point that this team is GOOD).  Frankly, as much talk as there is of Marion being a "team cancer" and having a bad attitude, his abilities lift the Mavs up exponentially.  I have long wanted Marion on the Magic, and being part of this bizarre 4-way deal is as close as I'll likely ever get.

Raptors:  The Raptors were wise to be part of this trade because not only did they get Antoine Wright and Devean George, but they keep their $5.9 million trade exception.  Having this trade exception means that the Raptors have a valuable trading chip in free agency moves moving forward, or free up money to sign up Carlos Delfino.  With them sending out Marion and bringing in Turk, it also allows them to be more European and whiter, two things the Raptors and Jazz covet more than anything.

Grizzlies:  Honestly, any attempt for anyone to explain the reasons behind ANY Grizzlies moves is futile.  Here, it seems that the overwhelming thing that they get is the chance to buy out Jerry Stackhouse's contract and create cap space for the future.  -You know, to sign all of those free agents that can't wait to move to Memphis Tennessee and watch OJ Mayo throw up circus shots.

Magic:  The Magic were apparently the last second team that hopped in and allowed this trade to work, and looking at what they get it's shocking they were not involved from the start.  For, well...just letting Turk leave, they get a (reported) 7 million dollar trade exception.  They can use this money to add depth to their team or go after one more big name (David Lee?  Paul Milsap?  Dirk Nowitzki's girlfriend?).

At the end of the day, the trade helped everyone with the possible exception being the Grizzlies.  -Just the way every good trade should.

Poodini Ain't So Special

Every year there is a rookie that has everyone gushing, and this year it is Derrick Rose (what, no Kosta Koufos for you, ladies?). The Great Poodini has been lighting it up and helping the Bulls come out of the bowels of hell into a relatively strong 8th seed late bid. Still, for all of the gushers (let's keep this clean), I show you this proof that Rose still has a ways to go before he is considered "clutch":


Yucky. Were that the playoffs, even fellow Chicago-an Bartman would have winced. That layup for the win couldn't have been more gift-wrapped. If you slow-mo the shot, you can see the moment when the collective Raptors team takes a collective dump in their pants, realizing they've lost the game...only to have them escape with the win. Dumps in the pants can be silly like that.

Bosh Is So Out Of There...And I'll Tell You Where He'll Go!

If you were making bets on "likeliest to wind up in a new destination in 2010", I would bet everything you own and even some of your friends' stuff that Chris Bosh will be out of Toronto. Bosh is a superstar, yet gets about 1/8th the publicity of people like Elton Brand because he is in Canada (which in most peoples' minds is similar to that rocky area that Frodo, Sam and Gollum were walking around in the Two Towers).

As if you needed any further backing up on this front, Bosh has started talking about how publicly disappointed he is in the Raptors this season. Once a player starts saying things like this:

"If you would have told me in October that we were going to be fighting just to make the playoffs, I wouldn't have believed you," Bosh said. "I've had worse years as far as the team is concerned but this has been the toughest, yeah, only because the expectations were so high and things just didn't happen like we thought they would."

...you know it's over. The guy has begun the first step of removing himself and letting other teams know that he can be had: Saying his team is having problems, but not identifying himself in any way as part of the problem. Just return the Bosh jerseys, kids, while you can still trade them to pawn shops for cash (I have a Magic McGrady jersey that I still regret buying right before he got traded).

I've been saying it for almost a year know, so it's about time I put it in print: I forsee Chris Bosh signing with the New York Knicks in 2010. They'll have the money. He'll want the added exposure. Even if Lebron doesn't wind up a knick, I think Bosh will be the next long-necked player to be in a blue and orange non-Thunder jersey since Spreewell. You heard it here first.

Now if you need me, I'll be watching The Two Towers on HD. Goodness, Canada is such a god-forsaken land!

Canadians, Meet Dwight Howard

While watching the Magic play the Raptors the other night, I couldn't help but notice yet another reason why Dwight Howard is one of the most entertaining players in the league. Most players ignore the rowdy fans of opposing teams, but Howard seems to pay these Canucks a little more attention:


Missed it? Well, Nick Nolte, get up off of that airport floor and pay attention to Howard in the background. He turns and gestures for a Raptors fan to "suck it". Only a man's man would have the cajones to bring back an obscene wrestling gesture from the mid-90s. The "Road Dogg" would be proud.

R.I.P Sam Mitchell, We Hardly Knew Ye

I knew as soon as you won coach of the year in the 07-08 season that the writing was on the wall, so I wish the best for now-fired coach Sam Mitchell. You may have elevated a crappy Toronto franchise named after a Jurassic Park-inspired character to heights previously unheard-of, but you could not do better than the Celts and Nets this season (thus far). In the end, each of us is left with two things: Our name, and our fly dance moves. Sam Mitchell, indulge us, will you?

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Raptors

Okay, I'll admit it: I know nothing about Toronto. They have maple leafs, Mike Myers is from somewhere close to there I think, they might have blue jays...yeah, that's all I got.

Ah well, they do have cheerleaders and it IS a slow news day, so let's take a glance at some Toronto Raptors dancers.

This video is much more enjoyable if you imagine the Raptors mascot, who is creepily hanging out in the back of the camera frame, is actually the devil saying to you, "I know what you're thinking while you look at these young, attractive women. I have your soul now sinner, hahaha!"



I'm going to spend the rest of my night looking up interesting facts about the great city of Toronto. -Or spend it eating fruit mentos while I lie on the couch and watch television. Tough choice there.

Who Likes Trades?!?!

This guy does. Finally the reality show we all know as the National Basketball Association ends it's go to challenge Point Guard Wars as the Toronto Raptors have completed a trade (in principal) which sends point guard (questionable title) T.J. Ford, center Rasho Nesterovic, a player to be named, and the #17 pick to the Indiana Pacers for forward/center Jermaine O'Neal.

It seems like everyone's loving this deal so far, but I'm wondering when we went back to 1997 because that sounds like an awful lot of chips to deal for 2 degenerative knees. Regardless of what anyone thinks O'Neal's value is, the deal is still fairly good for Toronto. Great for Indiana, they're getting another pick to rebuild with and they don't have to worry too too much about the point guard situation (although I would never deal for a point guard if I had Travis Diener on the books). Jermaine O'Neal healthy gives you about 15/7. Next to Chris Bosh, that might become 15/9. I almost compare it to the deal that went down for that other O'Neal a while ago, because you're not necessarily getting him for the stats he brings, but the presence. Just having the 2 of them down there makes other teams have to consider more when they go up against them for the 40 games that he's healthy. Plus there is a lot of piece of mind involved in knowing who your franchise point guard is (well deserved) instead of having a weird tandem that has never really worked out for you in the first place. Good show Pacers and Raptors, you've started Draft Day out very nicely. Now excuse me, I have to hang up my Jose Calderon FatHead.

Update: Apparently the deal isn't a DONE deal until July 1st; T.J. Ford's deal has a compensation tag that has to come off the books, and dudes need physicals.

Orlando Wants Some Respect/Dallas Resembling The Hindenburg

Tonight the Magic beat the Raptors 104-103 to go up 2-0 in the series. Even more interesting, Dwight Howard had over 20 points and 20 rebounds as the Magic, becoming the first player in nearly 40 years to do so in consecutive playoff games. The last guy was Nate Thurmond, who played for the San Francisco Warriors (their original name before they deemed it "not gay enough" and went with "Golden State").

The Magic are still looking for some semblence of respect in the playoffs, sitting idly by as analyst after analyst says, "I can't wait to see East title contenders Boston, Detroit and Cleveland!" The Magic certainly aren't going to get their much-deserved respect by beating the Raptors (a team who is Chris Bosh and little else. Bosh scored 29 tonight while the rest of the starting lineup COMBINED to score 17). This makes me excited to see the Magic do some damage in the next round of the playoffs. Coupled with Utah and Philly, I am all-out rooting for the Dangerfield no-respect teams during the playoffs. Carlos Boozer can't even get any respect when he lets Prince stay over!

In other news, that "Dallas winning it all" preseason pick I had is looking as good as Billy Zane's chances of ever being relevant again in mainstream culture. They lost to the Hornets by 24 tonight, their second straight blowout loss. I'd say the door is still open for them since it is a 7 game series, but Chris Paul is completely schooling Kidd out there. Tonight Paul exploded for 32 points and 17 assists, signalling a true end to Kidd's dominance as best point guard (not named Nash) in the league and making it completely obvious he is the MVP this year. The best Dallas could throw back was Brandon Bass, Lance Bass' african american bizarro. Not looking good horsie fans.

Eastern Conference Playoff Preview: Time To Get Obnoxious Again, Boston Sports Fans!

Tonight is the last night of the NBA regular season. This typically is a boring day, with starters resting and coaches that are going to get the axe at season's end just going through the motions (Hint: A Memphis coach named Iavaroni). Well, that's only half true this year. While the Eastern Conference teams are all snuggled into their respective playoff position beds, the Western teams tonight are still jockeying to see who they'll play. The Lakers and Hornets are the only teams that have any idea where they will be in the pecking order of things, but this is little consolation since they could be playing anybody.

For now, let's take a glance at the Eastern Conference playoff matchups since those are set, shall we?

Boston vs Atlanta

Winner: Boston in 4

Whyzzat?: 28 games separate these teams. We officially have our top candidate for "team that we will totally forget made the playoffs next year", as in "Wait...Atlanta made the playoffs last year? Where was I?"

Detroit vs Philly

Winner: Detroit in 6

Whyzzat?: I think Philly will make this one a bit more interesting by stealing two. Mo Cheeks has this team actually believing in themselves, and I've officially copyrighted the phrase "Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems" for when they turn heads (note: I did not actually do this). Detroit's been my pick in the East all year, so I have to stick with them. Plus, after visiting Philly this past year I have to say that I've had better Philly Cheesesteaks in at least 5 other cities. Sorry.

Orlando vs Toronto

Winner: Orlando in 5 (U.S.A! U.S.A!)

Whyzzat?: Orlando is the overlooked team in the league this year, getting no media attention whatsoever despite having a very solid team. The Jazz did pretty well flying under a very similar radar last season. If Jameer Nelson actually shows up, this could be over quickly. Hedo Turkoglu still won't be a household name, but rather a name that sounds like something yelled while sneezing (or shooting fireballs in Streetfighter II).

Cleveland vs. Washington

Winner: Washington in 6

Whyzzat?: Arenas is back, and seriously wants money this offseason when he opts out. On top of that, I really am not a big fan of Cleveland after their midseason trade for Wally's World and think they'll fold early. I'll probably wind up eating my words on this one since Lebron is a playoff monster, but I think Washington will benefit greatly by having various people carry their team this year due to injuries. Completely random side note: Both Arenas and Lebron have New York City-themed shoes.

That's it for now. We'll see how things shape up in the West after tonight.

I Thought Europeans Hit Jump Shots

It took Chris Bosh almost five years to finally say the truth: he doesn't trust his teammates to hit a shot. Although they've locked up a spot in the playoffs, the Raptors are in mid-free fall after losses to the Hawks, Nets, and Bobcats that dropped them below .500. After the team went 1-10 from three on Saturday against the Nets, one might say Bosh was a little justified in saying: "I have to do a better job of trusting my teammates. I've lacked in that and I can be man enough to say I've made that mistake. I've talked with the coaches and they told me the same thing -- trust my teammates."

After last year's surprising rise to respectability, praise was thrown upon GM Bryan Colangelo, the former architect of the run-and-gun Phoenix Suns. In Toronto, he put together a roster of one frontcourt star surrounded by European players that had good fundamentals and could hit a shot from anywhere on the floor. This year, other GMs have foregone clever moves for big trades for superstars, making Colangelo looking more like a loser than clever genius.

Case in point: former #1 pick, Andrea Bargnani. After a surprisingly decent rookie season, he's suffered from a sophomore slump and is now relegated to coming off the bench. But this was bound to happen for one reason, The Bargnani Glitch of NBA 2k7. Fueled by the fact that his outside shot was grossly overrated in the popular video game, Andrea played out of his mind last season. Now that his video game alias has been brought down to earth, so has Bargnani's game and ego. Remember, he was picked at the number one spot, which was way ahead of Brandon Roy, Rudy Gay, Ronnie Brewer, and Paul Millsap.

As the post season approaches, it's more up to Bosh than his teammates to get them into the next round. He'll be consistently double and triple teamed and he'll have to learn, like how Kobe did, to trust his teammates through the first three quarters and then dominate in the fourth. And maybe he's also hinting that he knows this when he says: "Once you get there, you try to advance, pure and simple."

Clinch-tastic Friday

Friday was a theme day of sorts as five, yes FIVE, teams clinched playoff spots in one evening.The Hornets, 76ers, Wizards, Raptors, and Lakers will be in this year's postseason, which marks a great day in the lives of bee, history, magic, dinosaur and lake enthusiasts.

One can't help but be impressed with how the 76ers have done this season with most NBA analysts writing them off (myself included).  

Andre Miller has turned into a superhero, and Andre Iguo

dala has started to come into his own as a go-to player.  Most impressive, Mo Cheeks has insp

ired the team to believe in themselves, and solidified himself as one of the better coaches that has a porn star name.

Another observation: It's sorta funny and sad at the same time that the 7th seed in the Eastern Conference has clinched a playoff spot at the same time the top team in the West did.  The first place Hornets are a paltry 31 games over .500, while the 7th seed Raptors are an astounding zero games over .500 (and the losers of 2 straight).  David Stern needs to figure out a way to get parity back into the league again because I worry this step-by-step process might become the way things happen in the future:

Step 1: An Eastern Conference crap team drafts a blue chip player in the draft. Woohoo!

Step 2: The player wows everyone, yet still is surrounded by garbage players on his team.

Step 3: After a while, the player starts complaining about his teammates. Wants to head West.

Step 4: Player demands a trade to a Western Conference team, and it's granted. Barf.

There is an enormous growing trend towards this process, and in my opinion it's a bit silly.  If I were a player I would prefer to be on an Eastern Conference team because I wouldn't have to stew over the fact that I missed the playoffs despite being 10 games over .500. You could probably tie your shoelaces together and do a "power hour" during half of the games and still manage to get in the playoffs in the East (unless you are a member of the Bobcats, in which your hopes evaporate like the cigar smoke rings Michael Jordan blows in the air). 

Congrats to the five playoff teams, and best of luck to the Lakers and Hornets...who actually have a shot.

Hey Chris Bosh is Back! Oh Yeah and Miami is AWFUL.

After a 10 game hiatus, Blane Harrington Chris Bosh made his return for the Toronto Raptors last night, with a safe and modest 8 points, 8 rebounds, and 1 block in 23 minutes on the floor. Why does this matter you ask?

That's why. The Canadasaurs thrashed the Miami Heat in a 96-54 rout, which was reminiscent of NES fisticuffs with Michael Tyson (I mean he could knock you down in one hit, how is it fair?). This was a basketball game that just dripped with amazing, as Rasho Nesterovic got 31 minutes (not a joke) and finished with 12 points. Double digits! The always fantastic shooting Canuckaeopteryxes had another retarded night from the floor, shooting 54%, and a bananas 53% from behind the arc. Jose Calderon continues to make his case for most improved player with 10 points, 10 assists, 5 rebounds, and 4 steals, only turning it over once.

But lets look at some better numbers shall we? Miami shot 25%. That's awesome. I'd like to give a round of applause to a team that managed to compile the third lowest game point total for any team in any game since THE SHOT CLOCK WAS INTRODUCED. That was 54 years ago. A team that couldn't come out to play, because they had already done that once this month.

"We left everything in Milwaukee," Miami Heat head coach Pat Riley said. "We just didn't have enough firepower, enough manpower."

Damn right you didn't have enough manpower, you had like 10 DNP's. Congratulations to a team that scored 10 points in the second quarter, and 9 points in the fourth. Mapleleafadon swingman Joey Graham tied Miami's point total in the fourth by himself, which is awesome because Joey Graham is average. Which even further cements the point that Miami is below average. The icing on the cake? Udonis Haslem is now shut down for the year; he'll have surgery to repair a bone spur in his ankle, which sounds like it feels really great. So to sum the whole thing up:

Joey Graham > Miami Heat

Chris Paul Ain't Winning MVP With This One

I've seen a lot of crappy websites in my day...I'm looking right at you Poodles.com...but the new website the Hornets launched to help win Chris Paul MVP shares an ample spot in the pantheon of poop.

The site is "CP3MVP.com", a name that sounds more like a license plate than a website. Also, it's hard to look at the name and NOT think about Star Wars character C3PO. I showed the name to no less than 10 people and they responded in a similar fashion. Amazingly, "ChrisPaulMVP.com" still isn't taken...nor is "ChrisPaul4MVP.com". Those would make too much sense. Best of all, regular ol' "ChrisPaul.com" IS taken by some egotystical guy talking about his "Master of Fine Arts in Graphic Design from the Yale School of Art". Someone slap this guy if you know him.

This all detracts from the real point here: as a site "Cp3MVP.com" stinks. It stinks primarily because it isn't much of a site at all. You get there and a Chris Paul graphic opens to show a smaller Chris Paul graphic. This excited me at first, hoping something humorous and/or entertaining was ahead, like the super fantastic Phoenix Suns Locker Room Site. 'Twas not to be, my friends. You click on the mini image of Chris Paul and all that follows is drab text on a black background. This text proclaims the following:

Hey Fans,

Here's your chance to tell the world why you think Chris Paul should be the NBA's Most Valuable Player.

Create a short video telling us why YOU think CP3 is the MVP and upload it to our myspace page. The best video will be selected as the winner and will be featured right here on Hornets.com!

Good Luck!

Wow. How can Chris Paul NOT win after incredible effort put forth like that?! I've been ordered, not even asked, to create a short video about an NBA player on a site that was little more than text on a black background. -AND THAT'S NOT ALL! If I am lucky enough to WIN, I get my video featured on "Hornets.com". The 4-6 people who accidentally stumbled across "Hornets.com", looking to get their fix of sweet, unbridled bumblebee porn will actually see my video.

Give me a moment to collect myself. I just drooled all over the place with excitement.

Get real, CP3MVP.com creators. If you want to win, do it in a creative way like Chris Bosh's All Star Campaign video. Watch how it's done:





Watching that video makes me feel good inside. Well played, Mr. Bosh.

I've Got A Fever, And The Only Prescription, Is More Jawai

What do you get when you cross Beatlemania with a pile of Koala droppings?

Nathan Jawai, a 21 year old Australian player who has NBA scouts using their frequent flier miles to go to the land down under in droves. Every year there is some crazy and kooky international player that takes the NBA by storm, be it Yao, Yi, Bargnani, Nowitzki, or Fettucini. This year the hype is starting to build around Jawai, a guy from Cairns, Australia.

I lived in Australia for about half a year and stayed in Cairns for a while. It is the equivalent of Miami times a bajillion, as it is a fairly built up area that happens to be surrounded by amazingly beautiful natural resources. I don't mean "Hey, we got the everglades and shit", I mean, "We have the great barrier reef, tropical rainforests, and a ton of tanned gorgeous nude people bathing in waterfalls"*

*This part might have existed only in my mind.

Despite the fact that he originally comes from an area around New Guinea, him playing in Cairns leads me to believe this Jawai guy probably is something of a surfer dude, as everyone I met in Northern Australia was either a beach bum or a rainforest guide (Those guys just sorta smelled like B.O. and always had short shorts. Hey moron, you're in the rainforest with a million bugs. How about some slacks?)

I also kept getting stung by jellyfish when I was surfing in Cairns, and was repeatedly told that it was the "good season" if I only got stung a few times. Apparently during the "bad season", there are so many jellyfish in the water that you face certain death if you go in the water. How delightful! Someone sign this guy to a multi-year deal now so we can see the NBA toss in stuff about jellyfish into their contracts!

So what makes this guy better than the rest of the international players out there? I have no idea, but it says he is 208 centimetres (they spelled it with an "re"...how adorable!) and he obviously means something if the Toronto Raptors are checking him out. The Raptors and Spurs seem to be the only teams who actually evaluate overseas talent correctly, so when they go somewhere I pay attention. I was one of the few people who actually paid attention when the Spurs drafted Tiago Splitter recently while the rest of America was talking about foos like Acie Law. Splitter was a top 10 pick option the year before, and the Spurs nabbed him on the last pick in the first round. It's like the Patriots getting a high first rounder in this upcoming NFL draft: you just have to look to the heavens and ask God to not make it so obvious who his/her/its favorite teams are.

For now, we will wait and see what happens, but whenever you finally hear the name Nathan Jawai get drafted remember where you heard his name first.

-And then give that source lots of money for the knowledge, preferably in crisp $100 bills.

Welcome To 2008...You Feel Like Balls, Don't You?

New Year's Day, or "Hangover Day" as it is called in most circles, is upon us.

The NBA wisely does not have any games scheduled today because they know the bright lights and loud noises would anger most of America. That "sneaker-against-the-floor-squeak" sound probably drove one too many people to change the channel. I personally use the words of Hubie Brown as hangover medicine, but that's just me.

As we pop the advil bottle open, let's all do a silent nod to the fact that there actually was some basketball played last night:

-Orlando beat Chicago in overtime thanks a winning shot from the superhero known as "Turkoglu". Those people that bet Turk would look like a sure All Star this season are smarter than you or I, my friend. They also do not exist.

-Portland's 13 game winning streak was snapped against Utah, meaning they won every game in the month of December except the first and last one. No Greg Oden, ladies and gents. Scary.

-Toronto, looking good on and off these days, rallied to beat the New Orleans Hornets last night. Chris Bosh, who started off the year pretty slow, is once again terrorizing opponents. Watch out, ladies who like long necks, your heartthrob is back.

-As soon as Don Nelson got thrown out of the game, the Warriors rallied and beat the Houston Rockets. Nelson (pusher of the wine seen if you scroll to the bottom of our site) is so popular amongst his players that they said afterwards that they were inspired by his outburst. I think they were just defending the guy who was throwing the best New Year's party later.

That's about it as far as the good games go. Detroit destroyed the Bucks and other stuff happened, but you probably already left your computer to go back to bed at this point. Best of luck with your hangovers, America!

Damn, Jager...