Happy Birthday, Black And Blue Jor's Wife

This weekend is my wife's birthday, so I will be busy planning a crapload of exciting activities for her. Unlike most of you scalawags out there, I actually enjoy planning parties and getting gifts for others...most likely because I try to only surround myself with people I care about (the other people I shove directly into moving traffic. They can befriend car bumpers).

All of this wife-worship led me to think of what my favorite NBA wife-related moment was. It would have been easy to go with the whole Karl Malone hitting on Kobe's wife situation, and would have just been stupid to show a bunch of those clips of people getting married at the stadium. Thus, I went with this, perhaps the best combo "wife mention/way to end an interview" ever. Congrats to Chris Webber:



"Who did your wife just bone?" might be the best slogan not used by a major retail outlet. I think Burger King would do well with it, especially if they had a shirt with that King mascot on it pointing at himself.

Let The NBA Games BEGIN!...Ya Know...For Gamers

Last season I spent much time debating which NBA game I would get for my handy dandy PSP console. After reading about a million reports of the prevalent and oft-hilarious glitches in NBA Live 08, I went with the lesser known NBA 08. You can read about the two of em' here. In the end, I was quite pleased and gave myself a big pat on the back (this looked odd to the others in the subway).

Well, the first of the previews are coming out for the 2009 incarnations of these games. I've been in love with the NBA 2K franchise, but as usual God has thrown his head back and laughed at my attempts to play this while in transit, and thus the PSP has not carried it. That leaves me with NBA Live and NBA 09...yet again.

First we have NBA Live 09, and I have to say...it looks pretty darn good. The gameplay looks good and fluid, and the graphics are realistic.



Then you have NBA 09, which is going to be called "NBA 09: The Inside". I like this as it is incredibly vague, leaving every friend you mention it to saying, "Inside of what?" This of course leaves you to say, "Inside YO MOMMA!" Make sure you have good running shoes as you attempt this joke.

Taking a look at the series, it once again looks like the lesser of the two games in terms of gameplay and graphics, but seems to be notching up its role as "The game that you get for the random silly stuff that's elsewhere on the cartridge, like pinball and random guys yelling at each other...like in the video below..."On this..BLACK- TOP!"



I look forward to checking these games out and making my decision for you, the informed NBA viewer. More to come soon, including future pats on the back.

Shaq Nominated For The New Jersey Hall Of Fame

I usually try to come up with a silly title for these posts, but this one was silly enough. I've lived in New Jersey almost all of my life, and had no idea that there was such a thing as the "New Jersey Hall Of Fame". In there are such people as Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen, and Yogi Berra. This year's crop includes Jerry Lewis, Bud Abbot, and Carl Lewis. I personally believe that Carl Lewis' music video is what got him nominated:



Anyways, now Shaq is nominated. I remember Shaq thanking the state of New Jersey when his Lakers beat the Nets in the NBA Championship a few weeks back. Shaq getting in the hall would be fantastic as the entry of such a giant opens up the floodgates for someone of my height (6 foot 5 inches) to one day enter the NJ Hall Of Fame. Once I get in, I will celebrate in an over the top fashion during my acceptance speech, like so:



"I have so many people to thank. My parents, my wife, my friends...ah screw it. Let's all get drunk and blow our money in Atlantic City."

And Now For Something Completely Different

Not much in the news today, but let's take a break from the Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day. Labor Day Weekend is almost upon us, and that means kids are going back to school, football is about to end the abysmal sports summer (baseball fans...even you are unable to watch baseball games on television more than twice a week for risk of losing your own sanity to boredom), and we get to spend some quality time with friends.

To be honest, I really can't think of a good photo/video to emphasize labor day weekend...and for that reason let's just watch this:

Anthony Carter Will Make Up Your Mind For You!

When it's the weekend, the world is your oyster. So many decisions, so little time.

LET ANTHONY CARTER MAKE THOSE DECISIONS FOR YOU!

Barkley Plays God...Actually Pretty Nice About It

We all know that Charles Barkley loves to chuck his hard-earned money down the toilet, what with him losing comical amounts of money to a not-so-comical gambling addiction.

Well, now that Sir Charles has gone cold turkey from gambling, what incinerator-like apparatus will he throw his money into? Turns out it is a busboy.

Alright, I admit, that last sentence probably sounded a little suggestive, but America's favorite NBA analyst/Deodorant spokesman actually seems to be doing something really nice here by offering to pick up the college tuition of a busboy at a restaurant he frequents. -Granted, when Barkley gives an generous offer such as this one, apparently he still has to act like God when he does it:

Barkley didn't give him much time, telling Abate that he had the length of Barkley's meal to decide. Abate wisely accepted.

Ah who am I kidding? If I had money like Barkley does I would be way worse than that about it. People would dance, yes DANCE, for my money. Then I would do crazy things like force the Cleveland Browns to actually get a logo. If they failed to comply, I'm shipping them straight to Baltimore again!

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: New Orleans

When the exploits of James Posey are seen as explosive, pulse-pounding news, you know it is a bit slow in the world of the NBA (incidentally, he signed for the career quagmire of the league, known as "The Bucks")

I figure on these slow news days, instead of boring you with half-assed reporting attempts at making James Posey-esque stories sound important, I'd just rather give you some eye candy.

Presenting something I like to call "Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day!"

Today, Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: New Orleans

Top 10 Shaq Quotes

Donte Green scored 40 points in his summer league debut and...yeah, that was about it. Slow news day in the NBA, but that means we get to waste more time looking at silly stuff.

An oldie but a goodie: Top 10 Shaq quotes through the years:

Watch The Hands, Buddy

The NBA is a high-octane sport, and sometimes as a result there is a lot of...ahem...personal contact and awkward moments. Here are some of those moments, peppered with a few random silly images to help your Monday drag a little less:

Killing Time Before The Championship Begins

The collective world of the NBA is twiddling its fingers tonight, with players and teams not wanting to make any important announcements lest they be forgotten the moment the NBA Finals begin. It's time like these, with a great rivalry like the Lakers and Celtics about to take shape once again, that we look back and take stock of the great NBA rivalries from years past.

-Magic Johnson vs. Larry Bird

-Rudy Tomjanovich vs. Kermit Washington's Fist

-Rick Mahorn vs. Manute Bol.......



Sigh...watching that video makes me really miss the 80s. Everything was so blissfully contrived. Not only do they tell Bol to act surprised (great acting job, Manute), they cut to a second, closer camera to show the expression on Rick Mahorn's face. Throw in the shticky music after the surprise and the fact that this so obviously filmed on a television set (notice the incredibly believable "club room" sign on the door when they show Manute Bol) and you have sheer nostalgic bliss.

Hanes Commercials: Michael Jordan's True Legacy

Over the Memorial Day holiday, I was talking with friend of the site Rantin' John about how my neighbor in New York City is Kevin Bacon. He wisely remarked that although he is revered, Kevin Bacon's career has had a pretty meteoric fall. He described it well:

"Your neighbor Mr. Bacon has gone from having a trendy board game named after him and starring in blockbuster movies to looking like a goof while he shoots paper into a garbage bin in Hanes underwear commercials with Michael Jordan. I give it 5 years at most before he tries to revive his career with an ill-fated NBC sitcom."

Cuba Gooding Jr., who currently stars in the latest "I'M WEARING YOUR UNDERWEAR!" debacle, is even more of a step down on the fame ladder for Michael Jordan to act with. Can't get much worse than that, right? Right?!

Every time you ask yourself that, the answer is inevitably Charlie Sheen. Yes, kiddies, Michael Jordan's newest Hanes costar will be none other than the hooker-frequenting Estevez-brothered Hot-Shots-Part-Deux-starring man about town. At what point does Jordan look into his own reflection in the roulette wheel and think to himself, "What am I DOING? I'm the biggest star the NBA ever HAD!" Maybe the script was good?

No. It wasn't.

The leaked script for this commercial reads as follows:

One spot, called "Phone Toss," shows Sheen running up to Jordan's car as he is exiting a hotel and telling Jordan that someone turned him on to the new Hanes Lay Flat Collar Undershirt. He suggests Jordan do the same, not realizing that he's already wearing one. As Jordan starts to drive away, Sheen keeps talking, inviting Jordan to dinner and asking for his phone number. Jordan is finally forced to drive away, prompting Sheen to throw his phone in the back seat of Jordan's convertible and asking to call him.

Wow. Shakespeare just rolled over in his grave, along with the inventor of television, the inventor of the written word, and the inventor of undershirts (who I would like to think is named 'Baron Von Oondresherrt" or something). At least Fruit Of The Loom had those guys in the fruit costumes...a sizable step up in the class department.

MJ, for our sakes, end this charade before you wind up acting next to that alien that was in that movie "Mac And Me". That thing just freaked me out.

Bachelor Party Weekend Preview

I normally would write something here about Atlanta's HUGE win over the Celtics tonight to push it to the most unlikely 7th game in recent memory, but there is actually something more important to discuss:

Tomorrow night is my bachelor party...being thrown by none other than Anubis Taylor. I do not know much of what is going to happen other than:

1) The drinking will begin at appoximately 11am Saturday and end roughtly 11pm Sunday. Two days worth of liquid goodness with a slew of my best friends in the world (who hopefully won't shave my head as I sleep).

2) There will be scantily-clad women involved. When asked what profession of stripper I would prefer, I immediately said with a straight face, "no clowns."

3) The festivities will be in Atlantic City, which (from what I have picked up from going there since I was a wee child) is a land of elegance and beauty where nothing seedy takes place.

4) One of my friends, Doug, has been texting me every single day of this past week. Each text has detailed how difficult it will be for my liver and soul to recover from this upcoming weekend, likening it to the moment "when Lucifer fell from heaven".

5) Just in case the weekend isn't crazy enough, we will be bringing along a copy of the Motley Crue biography "The Dirt" for ideas. If I start snorting ants with Ozzy Osbourne, I will know where the idea came from.

6) I already know Anubis Taylor has purchased at least one "adult entertainment feature". The name of this masterpiece is "Rack In Demand".

-And that's just what I KNOW. If I survive all of this, I am sure I will be a better man for it. -Not because I will have sowed all of my wild oats and can begin my life as a married man. Rather, I like to think of it as a weekend where I just kill all of the evil brain cells in my head in one fell swoop.

Details to come. Viva Atlantic City!

Rick Carlisle Is The Coach Your Team Needs

While we've tried to ignore the rumors, we have to stay we're ecstatic over the possibility of friend of the site Rick Carlisle coaching in the NBA again. The New York Post has him on the short list of coaches that will likely return to coach a team next year, and more specifically the Bulls seem to be the party most interested.

Getting another coaching chance would be fantastic for Carlisle (pictured above, with Anubis Taylor), but more importantly it would be great for us. It has long been my dream to enact a puppet presidency of sorts with an NBA coach, and Carlisle is just the stand up type of gentleman that we need to carry out what enters our evil little skulls.*

Just picture it: Joakim Noah starts mouthing off to the rest of the Bulls squad again behind his frizzy lunch lady hair and disrupts team chemistry. What happens? That's right: He gets forced to line up in front of Kirk Hinrich's grandmother for approximately 10-15 kicks to the groin. We deem it so.

Then what if the team goes on a 10 game losing streak, seeming unmotivated and absent-minded? No problemo! Don't give empty threats like "team suspensions" and "decreased playing time", Rick. We'll just tell them that unless they do better we'll give their home addresses to our creepy uncle who likes to stalk people and looks exactly like Benjamin Franklin.

He eats people's faces, by the way.

I'm not saying any of these solutions will work, but they certainly will make things a hell of a lot more interesting. Plus, Isiah Thomas has set the bar so low that as long as we don't sexually harrass/abuse anyone and make white people into villains, we're doing our job pretty damn good.

So c'mon, Rick. For our sakes and yours, get hired so we can start having fun.

*Author's Note: Our skulls our actually quite large, and women like to caress them. I don't really get it, but I don't try to stop it either.

The Triumphant Return Of The Stephon Marbury Interview Video

A while back Stephon Marbury was on the New York-area television program "Mike'D Up", and recorded one of the best interviews in television history. It was an interview that included:

-Stephon telling the interviewer to hold on while he checked who was calling his cell phone.
-A bizarre reference to predicting he will average "12-13 dimes...2-3 assists..."
-One of the creepier ways anyone has ever said, "If you believe it, you can achieve it."
-Stephon saying he shoots to win!...not to win the championship trophy (which he says he doesn't care about, and calls "shiny stuff")
-And much more! The end of the interview just devolves into Stephon dancing and yelling.

Well, this priceless interview (and many, many others) were yanked from the internet by Stephon's agent to help him save his image a while back. Since then Marbury was banned from Madison Square Garden amongst other crazy things, so his agent had his hands full to the point of not being able to police the internet. This all adds up to the return of this interview to the eagerly waiting eyes of the public.

Enjoy!

Celebrity Interview: Slamball Coach Brendan Kirsch

For our 200th post (has it only been that many?), we wanted to make sure we spoke to someone special. We already talk to God on a daily basis, doing his work here on earth with this site, but we figured we'd for this post we'd talk to someone fun in the world of basketball.

Enter Brendan Kirsch. Brendan is the head coach of The Mob, the 2007 championship team in Slamball. For those of you not familiar with the concept and league of "Slamball", check this out. It's everything you've ever wanted in life in one video clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wirFSGHL7Q

Yowza. With such a fun, bezerk league, we knew this guy would be good conversation. Without any further ado, our interview with Brendan:
----------------------------------------------
1) In 3 sentences or less, what made you want to be a part of Slamball?
A: I wanted to be part of a blue collar sport, not coaching guys that would sit out if they had a sprained pinky. And trust me. I coached guys that sat out with a sprained pinky.

2) What was the most spectacular Slamball dunk you've ever seen, if you had to pick one?
A: In a game, it was Sean Jackson's "mcnasty". It's sick. I couldn't believe he pulled it off. But the sickest dunk is at the end of the link to the teaser you have. Mason Gordon (creator) pulled off a dunk called "the revolution" in the season 2 slam dunk contest. It is RIDICULOUS. A front flip through the legs. He had practiced it, but never pulled it off until the dunk contest. We rushed the court when he did it.

3) Do you have a favorite NBA team (sorry, the fans really wanted to hear this one)?
A: Lol. The Indiana Pacers. But I'm biased because I worked for them.

4) We took a look at the Slamball team names: Bouncers, Steal, Riders, Rumble, Diablos, Slashers, Bandits...your team is named "The Mob". Admit it, you have the coolest team name.
A: Hahaha! Yeah, we do. We try to embrace that attitude on the court as well.

5) What does one look for in a good Slamball player? We have a mean set of calves.
A: It's a lot of things- heart, a willingness to put your body at tremendous risk to win, intelligence, the ability to read the floor within the different playing planes (court and air), athleticism, to be able to stay calm under pressure, but above all- fearlessness.

6) Obviously this is an incredibly high-contact sport. What is the worst injury you've seen?
A: During the final tryouts for Season two, they were shooting a documentary on the sport. The cameras were following a few players around and one of them happened to hit a tramp bed and come down improperly after a tramp jumper. (In basketball, we watch the ball all the way to the basket. In Slamball, you have to "un-learn" that and once you release the ball, look down for your landing point.) This young man was a talented kid, but he came down with one foot in the tramp and one foot on the island. (the red padded area in between the tramps.) He was bracing for the tramp to give, so the leg that landed on the island instantly broke and ripped through his ankle area... but the real disaster was that as this was happening, the right leg that landed in the tramp bed shot him back up akwardly and it forced his body into a rotation of sorts with his broken leg still planted in the island. That rotation cut his entire foot off. I was 10 feet away when it happened and I couldn't believe it. In a matter of 3 seconds the kid's foot was dangling by "dental floss" to his leg. He was a beast. The doctors re-attached his foot. He still wants to play.

(This might be the best response to a question in the history of sports interviews ever. The mental image of this will entertain/haunt me well into my elder years -Black and Blue Jor)


7) Is there a "Michael Jordan of Slamball", as in one guy who is known around the league as being the best?
A: I don't know if there's a guy who dominates Slamball the way Jordan did the NBA... But with time, I expect there will be. Right now we have a few superstars though. James Willis , Sean Jackson, Whitney White, and Stan Fletcher are among them.

8) We keep hearing Slamball being referred to as "The XFL of Basketball". We loved the XFL (coincidentally loving a team called "The Hitmen"), but how accurate would this assessment be in your opinion?
A: Not very accurate. I hope we are never compared to the XFL. That league was created by Vince McMahon and the WWF. I would never hate on professional wrestling, but anytime the WWF backs a league I think you're kind f setting yourself up for disaster. Unless you're going to choreograph all the games. We'd like to think of ourselves more along the lines of the Arena Football League. In much the same way the Arena Football League is to the NFL or the UFC is to boxing, we would like to be to the NBA.

9) Would you rather: Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?
A: Great call... Love them both, but gotta go with Aniston.

10) The Mob are the same colors as The Howeva Files...Black and Red...This makes us brothers. Do you need us to take out any players on any of the other teams for you?
A: Hahahaha! Please. Maybe a couple guys on the Riders or the Rumble to make our division a little easier. Lol.

11) If we were interested in purchasing some Mob merchandise, what would you recommend we buy? Anything silly scores bonus points.
A: A LaMonica "the machine" Garrett man-kini. Lol. Hope that scored points. We are all just waiting for the jerseys to be released. Slamball jerseys are ridiculously nice.

12) A Man-kini? That definitely scored points.

We love that Slamball players have nicknames like "The Machine", "Inches", and "Ghetto Bird". What would your nickname be?
A: Hmmmmm, I guess "the professor". I'm kind of a nerd and am addicted to the x's and o's of Slamball. But I'm pretty good friends with Grayson Boucher from 'And One' and I don't think he'd wanna share the nickname.

13) Your team won the 2007 Powerade Slamball Challenge. What did you do to celebrate? If you "made it rain", like Titans player Pacman Jones, you are officially the best coach in any sport ever.
A: Hahaha! No. We try to stay away from club shootings as often as possible. But I think the guys did get a little crazy in Italy.

14) We imagine it's not all sunshine and gumdrops in the heat of battle. What is the meanest/funniest thing you can remember hearing yelled during game play?
A: Well, it's definitely not church out there. I can promise you that. I wouldn't be able to repeat the meanest things I've heard. (Or yelled.) The funniest thing I remember was during Season One, when a ref made a terrible call. I was going nuts and he walked over and asked me what my problem was. I told him he made a terrible call and he said "yeah, i forgot the rule for a second... sorry." It was such a funny moment because it was so honest. The refs (like the coaches) are hired because they have a high learning curve. (The slamball rule book is pretty thick.) It made me realize how tough a sport it was to officiate. And there are very few officials that actually admit to blowing a call.

15) Boxers or briefs?
A: Boxer-briefs. But I have one pair of Irish boxers I save for big games.

16) Have you, or any player you have known, ever used "I am a Slamball coach/I am a Slamball player" as a pickup line?
A: Hahahahaha! I don't think so. Do you think that would work? I'll give it a try the next time I'm out and let you know how it goes.

17) We learned, via wikipedia, that in the movie Back to the Future Part II, "Slamball" was listed as the favorite sport of Douglas J Needles while Marty McFly was speaking with him via videophone. Have you ever pointed this out to anyone?
A: You know, I was sent an e-mail the other day that said that. I love "Back to the Future" (I, II and III) but I didn't remember that part. I do remember that I was about 12 when Back to the Future II came out and I waited forever for them to invent a damn hover board. What a disappointment.

18) Agreed. Hoverboards not existing is the #1 source of stress in my life. As a coach, you have a high stress position. What is the hardest part of your job?
A: Not being able to sleep. But that's all coaching, not just Slamball. None of us can sleep. I was married during Slamball Season One and my wife used to get so mad because I'd wake up at all hours of the night with new ideas for offensive or defensive philosophies. I would get up four or five times a night and post my ideas on a wall in our condo. By the time the season was halfway done, we had a 30 foot long wall covered with Slamball courts diagrams... She divorced me a couple months later. It's a tough life. But it's worth it in the end.

19) When you are not working, what is your favorite way to relax?
A: I like to play XBOX 360. Madden, COD4, Halo and Tiger.

20) If a fan was just getting into Slamball, what would you tell them to do first?
A: Go to the website and get some info on our history. http://www.slamball.net/

21) How hands-on are you when in practice? Have you ever shown someone the proper way to dunk?
A: It's funny because the tramps take a lot of getting used to. We have tv personalities that always want to come and suit up to do a portion of their segment on the court. It always ends up in disaster. Jay Mohr was the funniest. He hit the tramps and did a nose dive into the island. It's probably on youtube somewhere. But I'm pretty good on the tramps, so I get out there a lot, especially to demonstrate timing on our sets. Am I out there taking face-offs? Nope. But I'd do it if it got our team fired up.

22) Sweet. We at The Howeva Files love crazy personalities. Who is the zaniest player you've ever been around and why?
A: We had a guy in the league who played for the Diablos during Season One. He was a samurai (no sh*t). And he was on a different planet. Even when he warmed up, it was like he was doing yoga with an invisible sword. Pretty funny.

23) We recently saw the movie "Rollerball" starring Chris Klein, and it was so bad that it was amazing. Have you ever seen a movie that was so awful that you wound up loving it?
A: Napoleon Dynamite. Lol. But the worst movie I've ever seen in my life was "Problem Child". Still the only movie I ever walked out of halfway through. I wanted to punch that kid.

24) Yes, and still somehow John Ritter's best movie. On an unrelated note, to wrap up, we read that Slamball has had you guys travelling around quite a bit. What is the coolest city you have been in during your travels?
A: We hit the normal big US markets. (LA, NYC, etc.) So I am really looking forward to training camp this year. We are at the IMG Complex in Bradenton, Florida, which is on the gulf coast. I've heard storied about the IMG facilities that are legendary, so I can't wait to get out there and try play a round of golf against a 13 year old prodigy.
-----------------------

A truly fantastic interview involves Back To The Future II, references to sex with Jennifer Aniston, and mentions of samurais. Our special thanks to Brendan "The Professor" Kirsch to answering all of our questions. He has made some Slamball fans for life.

I Love Me Some Bad Dunks

Slow news day in the NBA, so I thought I would post some of my favorite basketball dunks...of the crappy variety. Enjoy!

Hornets forward Julian Wright sets the bar rather high right from the get-go:



Delonte West goofing off in practice. Now we know where that mark on his face comes from:



A classic. Not an NBA player, but I say it's only a matter of time before the Knicks call with a contract:



And finally, a beautiful montage to the art of the horrifically missed dunk attempt:



It's sad that the missed dunk cannot be worth more than 0 points. The bruised ego scores with us all.

Move Aside, Seacrest! THF Predicts The Oscars!

UPDATE: Wow...No Country and random The Bourne Ultimatum wins ruined my picks (and those of lot of other people in my pool). The only thing I seemed to predict correctly was that Jon Stewart would suck as host. My keen ability to predict who will annoy me stays intact.
----------------------
I just got back from a weekend trip to Atlantic City, $50 lighter in the wallet but richer in stories. While on my trip I ate like a king, drank like Sinatra, and apparently sleepwalked (this is yet to be confirmed with photographic evidence). The highlight for me was when I saw Arizona Cardinals QB Matt Leinart with his knockout (and I do mean knockout) girlfriend outside of a comedy club at the Borgata. I walked up to him and said, "Hey Kurt. I love what you're doing with the team". He gave me an annoyed look and walked away. He looked exactly like this, except he was unshaven and had shorter hair:

His girlfriend giggled so I consider it a victory.

This talk of entertainment and greed brings us to this year's Oscars. I know, you're probably wondering what Oscar picks are doing on a basketball website. To this I reply with the fact that lately Oscar parties are filling that void between Super Bowl and NBA Finals parties, so Oscar pools have become big business for gamblers. If you're like me, you're settling in to watch them with a bunch of buds and have some cold hard cash in an Oscar pool. You will need this cash to later bet on the NBA Finals, so victory tonight is crucial.

...Hey, I didn't say it was perfect logic, but if I can help a few thousand readers win some money by telling them who will win best animated feature, so be it.

Without any further ado, here are my Oscar picks for this year. I will update this list afterwards with any incorrect answers in "There Will Be Blood" RED.

Best Picture - There Will Be Blood

Best Actor - Daniel Day Lewis (There Will Be Blood)

Best Supporting Actor - Javier Bardem (No Country For Old Men)

Best Actress - Julie Christie (Away From Her)

Best Supporting Actress - Amy Ryan (Gone Baby Gone)

Animated Feature - Persepolis

Art Direction - Sweeney Todd

Cinematography - There Will Be Blood

Costume Design - Sweeney Todd

Directing - There Will Be Blood

Best Documentary Feature - No End In Sight

Documentary Short Subject - La Corona (The Crown)

Film Editing - No Country For Old Men

Foreign Language Film - Beaufort

Best Makeup - La Vie En Rose

Original Score - Atonement

Original Song - That's How You Know

Short Animated Film - Madame Tutli-Putli

Short Live Action Film - Il Supplemente (The Substitute)

Sound Editing - The Bourne Ultimatum

Sound Mixing - Transformers

Visual Effects - Transformers

Writing (Adapted) - No Country For Old Men

Writing (Original) - Juno

To be honest, overall I just want to see There Will Be Blood win as much as possible. Not only did I love the movie, but I am actually looking forward to the inevitable corny-as-hell "There Will Be GOLD!" headlines the next morning. The rest of my hopes involve Persepolis upsetting that animated Rat movie, and me being able to stomach Jon Stewart for longer than a half hour (unlikely). Enjoy the awards, folks! Hopefully we see someone trip up the stairs!

Now I'm Even More Excited For This Movie

In hearing that Will Ferrell would be starring in a basketball movie, I was hoping it would be more random crazy humor (like Anchorman and Old School) than toned-down trying-too-hard humor (like Talladega Nights and Kicking And Screaming).

If these Old Spice ads are any indication, I will be seeing this movie the night it comes out:

Please Don't Fake the Funk on a Nasty Dunk, I Don't Think My Heart Can Take It.

Yay dunk contest! It's this thing that happens during all-star weekend that used to be awesome, and is now just alright, but we still watch it because we replay J.R. Rider (yeah I called him J.R.) doing the East Bay Funk in our heads over and over ad nauseum, praying that someone will do something sweet and not wack or boring. Participating in the contest are the incumbent Gerald Green, Rudy Gay, Dwight Howard (Jesus Christ), and Jamario Moon, the lone rookie in the event.

Rudy Gay's been coming strong with his campaign; he's been all over YouTube having fans post suggestions for his dunks, and there's a bunch of them out there. Some are trash, some are GREAT, but we've seen a lot of acrobatics from him, and he has managed to make Luis Scola look less sexy, which is hardly a simple feat.

Dwight's been pretty quiet; he claims he's got some "tricks up his sleeve" and he did make a surprisingly unfunny campaign video, but we saw the highly underrated sticker dunk, we saw the kiss the rim dunk in practice, so we know what he's capable of, and there's been speculation about him raising the freaking hoop to dunk on a 12 footer (the NBA wouldn't let him last year).

Jamario Moon's sort of the wild card in this since he's the only rookie, but people are abuzz about him, and many have picked him to win. He's got a very natural, effortless looking flight, and his campaign video is my favorite out of all of them. Plus he was a freaking Globetrotter, and those dudes dunk terduckens while jumping over hookers snorting coke off of Meadowlark Lemon's chest; they're ready for anything.

Lastly but certainly not least, returning champ Gerald Green, is ready to make people remember why he won it last year. He's even responded to Rudy Gay's request for dunk ideas with a sick one of his own. I like Gerald Green because he's been pretty much invisible (12 mins a game?!) all year, and so far I haven't heard anyone say they think he'll win, even though he's the champ. Usually guys hear things like that and get mad and do crazy things, not Rae Carruth crazy, but crazy enough to win.

What's pretty fresh about this year is that in the Final Round, the fans will be able to vote on each finalist's 2 dunks, and that score will be combined with the judges' votes to determine the winner. Usually I'm against fans voting for anything, but in this case it's ok; dunks are pretty universal and people will vote for who they like. Right now, there's not a clear favorite to me, you have Rudy Gay, the cocky jock who doesn't even have to think up his own dunks, Dwight Howard, the clean cut straight man who will be victorious when the crowd starts playing little hand drums in rhythm, Jamario Moon, the mysterious bad boy with an attitude and a cold stare, and Gerald Green, the former champion that knows it's still his game to win, but can't stop grasping at the past. Oh my God do you see what I just did there? Somebody get John Hughes on the phone right now, It's a hit!

So who wins it? I personally like Dwight Howard, because it's hard to vote against the Messiah, but I digress. Now you can all thank me for forcing you to do YouTube searches for Harold Miner dunks!

Basketball Aside For A Second: Congrats New York Giants!

Holy COW!

As I'm sure you already know, the Giants defeated the Pats 17-14 in the Super Bowl in one of the craziest, zaniest, Eli-Manning-est games ever. I watched the game with a bunch of Giants fans in New York City and it was nothing short of spectacular. After the G-Men officially won, we all went out onto my apartment terrace to see hundreds of people yelling in happiness and some even shooting fireworks out of their apartments. It was pandemonium. The closest thing I could compare it to is a big city version of that dance the natives do to attract the attention of King Kong.

A huge congrats to the New York Giants and their fans. An "Awwwwww...that suuuucks" with a grin to Tom Brady and Pats fans looking for their 4th Super Bowl and pursuit of an undefeated season. It looks like my Miami Dolphins still have to carry the weight of being the NFL's only undefeated season. Shucks!

With David beating Goliath tonight, we come to a wonderful end to a great NFL season. With this game concluded, America officially turns its collective sports-viewing attention to the NBA and we couldn't be happier. Somewhere David Stern just put on his superhero outfit.