Wade Is Great At Imitations

Gotta love a good Shaq imitation:

Tiger's Vote(s) For MVP

Tiger Woods is so good at golf that it was only a matter of time before his superpowers were used towards other sports...in this case forecasting the future of the NBA MVP race. I like this line of thinking, and whomever asked him this question is as close to me if I were a sideline reporter as you can get. I'm always the guy watching and yelling at the guy interviewing Michael Jordan, "Yeah, he thinks the Bulls will do well this year...BUT WHAT DOES HE THINK ABOUT THE TONYA HARDING SCANDAL?! ASK HIM!!!!"

Asking Tiger's opinion on the NBA isn't as out of left field as it seems. Tiger seems to be at every single Orlando Magic home game, and currently holds a solid 8000 to 2 advantage over JJ Redick in regards to times the cameras are on him. The best part of the video (in my opinion) is that Tiger seems incredibly solemn when answering, bordering on seeming sad. It's like he just narrowly lost the biggest tournament of his life. Since Tiger never loses, the closest thing to "loss" he knows is that Dwayne Wade won't win MVP:



It's okay, Tiger. Somehow with the bajillions you possess and the hot model wife, I'm sure you'll get over Dwayne coming in 3rd in the voting.

THF Goes To Miami For The Weekend: Finds Nothing Basketball-Related Going On

To take a brief respite from the news and talk about my own self: This past weekend I went to the city of Miami for the first time to check out "Miami Basil", which is (in non-pretentous speak) an enormous art fair with thousands of the top art galleries in the world presenting their work.



While this was all fancy and whatnot, the biggest thing for me was loading up on Miami Dolphins gear since I've been a Dolphins fan forever and can't score any aqua and/or orange swag above the Mason-Dixon line. I also just wanted to see how much Miami Heat stuff I could find since they won the championship not too long ago. As you can see, when it comes to worthwhile ways to spend money I am the equivalent of a drunk Charles Barkely in a casino.

Anyhoo, the big surprise to me was that I couldn't find any Heat or Dolphins stuff in the city of Miami!

I thought it was just that I wasn't looking in the right place, but then I went to the huge Lincoln Mall and also combed around several shopping areas in Miami Beach and Miami proper and came up with nothing but Camo-colored Marlins baseball caps. This is a shame of epic proportions to me as a Dolphins fan and those people who like the Heat. I went home to New York City with a cheap-looking Miami Dolphins hat, which was the only thing I could find at the airport in the "clearance" aisle...oh, yeah and I also purchased a very expensive piece of art from a gallery (this is less important on many levels).

While in the end I found a single Dolphins hat, I found NO Heat stuff whatsoever. -Not even an indication that they played in the city. I know they were bad last year, but this was still surprising.

Maybe this video below has something to do with it. Barak Obama does the unthinkable and becomes the first African-American president, uniting much of the country and bringing the prospect of hope in rather scary economic times. What does that result in? You guessed it, Dwayne Wade saying that if Obama gives some little kid an interview, that Wade would actually let Obama play against him.




My new opinion is that it's stuff like this that caused Obama to make his first secret act in office to be finding and burning all Miami Heat merchandise. I know, I know that the video is supposed to be cute, but if I were Obama I would watch this and say, "What a completely cocky piece of poop. I killed myself to get elected. One I get those secret service guys, I'm using them to force Dwayne Wade to lick my boot."

Shaq Nominated For The New Jersey Hall Of Fame

I usually try to come up with a silly title for these posts, but this one was silly enough. I've lived in New Jersey almost all of my life, and had no idea that there was such a thing as the "New Jersey Hall Of Fame". In there are such people as Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen, and Yogi Berra. This year's crop includes Jerry Lewis, Bud Abbot, and Carl Lewis. I personally believe that Carl Lewis' music video is what got him nominated:



Anyways, now Shaq is nominated. I remember Shaq thanking the state of New Jersey when his Lakers beat the Nets in the NBA Championship a few weeks back. Shaq getting in the hall would be fantastic as the entry of such a giant opens up the floodgates for someone of my height (6 foot 5 inches) to one day enter the NJ Hall Of Fame. Once I get in, I will celebrate in an over the top fashion during my acceptance speech, like so:



"I have so many people to thank. My parents, my wife, my friends...ah screw it. Let's all get drunk and blow our money in Atlantic City."

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Heat

I am simply shocked that there is no NBA news after a full weekend. Even on the slowest of weeks, there is something that happens over the span of two days to report on in pro basketball. I'm sure that it has much to do with the first week of the NFL season engulfing EVERYTHING sports news-related, but still...

Speaking of which, my Miami Dolphins lost to the Jets and Brett Favre, who has become one of the most loathsome players to watch in sports. Dolphins QB Chad Pennington's arm strength resembles that of a 3 year-old girl. I felt bad for 3 year-old girls for that comparison as I wrote that.

With talk of the Dolphins, and the NBA having no exciting headlines whatsoever, that can only mean a seamless segueway into Miami Cheerleaders! -Specifically Heat cheerleaders.

I am normally quite reserved in critiquing things such as team dancers...but my goodness gracious whatever they have in the drinking water in Miami has to be bottled and sold everywhere. The Heat might take the cake for "cheerleader the average guy would stare at even if a nuclear warhead was shooting straight towards him". Maybe slow news days in the NBA aren't so bad after all...

Hey Chris Bosh is Back! Oh Yeah and Miami is AWFUL.

After a 10 game hiatus, Blane Harrington Chris Bosh made his return for the Toronto Raptors last night, with a safe and modest 8 points, 8 rebounds, and 1 block in 23 minutes on the floor. Why does this matter you ask?

That's why. The Canadasaurs thrashed the Miami Heat in a 96-54 rout, which was reminiscent of NES fisticuffs with Michael Tyson (I mean he could knock you down in one hit, how is it fair?). This was a basketball game that just dripped with amazing, as Rasho Nesterovic got 31 minutes (not a joke) and finished with 12 points. Double digits! The always fantastic shooting Canuckaeopteryxes had another retarded night from the floor, shooting 54%, and a bananas 53% from behind the arc. Jose Calderon continues to make his case for most improved player with 10 points, 10 assists, 5 rebounds, and 4 steals, only turning it over once.

But lets look at some better numbers shall we? Miami shot 25%. That's awesome. I'd like to give a round of applause to a team that managed to compile the third lowest game point total for any team in any game since THE SHOT CLOCK WAS INTRODUCED. That was 54 years ago. A team that couldn't come out to play, because they had already done that once this month.

"We left everything in Milwaukee," Miami Heat head coach Pat Riley said. "We just didn't have enough firepower, enough manpower."

Damn right you didn't have enough manpower, you had like 10 DNP's. Congratulations to a team that scored 10 points in the second quarter, and 9 points in the fourth. Mapleleafadon swingman Joey Graham tied Miami's point total in the fourth by himself, which is awesome because Joey Graham is average. Which even further cements the point that Miami is below average. The icing on the cake? Udonis Haslem is now shut down for the year; he'll have surgery to repair a bone spur in his ankle, which sounds like it feels really great. So to sum the whole thing up:

Joey Graham > Miami Heat

Pat Riley Knows How To Turn This Team Around

Pat Riley's team sucks ass.

Let's just get that out of the way. The Heat are not only injured beyond belief at this point, but also are awful enough when they ARE healthy to make it look like they are tanking the rest of the season for that #1 draft pick (even though they aren't...I shudder at the purgatory Shawn Marion is in).

Do minor details like this bother a man like Pat Riley? You're joking right? This guy regularly smiles through firing coaches and players, not to mention castrating Stan Van Gundy and taking away his Heat championship a few years back. This is NOTHING to him.

This helps explain why Pat Riley is spending his somber losing streak days, in which he should be doing everything possible to turn around his fallen franchise, attending Bruce Springsteen concerts. Who needs to figure out silly things like rotations and who should stay with the team this offseason when you have the smooth grooves of "Born to Run" and "Born In The U.S.A." and other songs about birth? After all, even Steve Van Zandt certainly can do no worse than Smush Parker.

During a recent concert, Springsteen apparently even dedicated a song to Pat Riley. The thought of these two even possibly holding a conversation seems so alien to me. The rugged working class boy from New Jersey chatting with the slick-haired cosmopolitan "Al Pacino in the movie The Devil's Advocate" clone? I don't think so. Pat Riley most likely doesn't even listen to music. He just listens to the scream Dwayne Wade bellowed when his shoulder was dislocated on his ipod on loop.

Ah well, I guess everyone has their way of dealing with stress differently. At the very least, the next time I have a bad day at work I now will follow Pat Riley's advice. Will I attempt to solve the problem right away or throw myself into my work to discover the source of the problem? Nah. I'll just utter the words of Riles:

"Life is too short not to be able to enjoy it a little bit, even when things are going bad. You've got a choice of going home, curling up in your bed and put the covers over you, or you can go see the Boss. I'll go see the Boss."

Enjoy the season tickets, Heat fans!

Wade Is Hurt! Who Can Help?!...Not So Fast, Smush

The day after the Heat told Dwayne Wade he was done for the season, all eyes went to Smush Parker as a possible replacement. He was on the team, played point guard, and he was highly touted by the Heat when they got him as a free agent this offseason. Yes, the stars were aligning for Smush, despite the fact that he was on forced leave from the team after an altercation with a parking valet guy at his condo in Miami. After all, it sounded like a pretty silly reason to suspend a guy for so long. Perhaps Smush's time to rise to glory had finally come!

Nahhhhh.

The Heat gave Smush the ol' boot in the keister today, finally saying once and for all (without saying it) that it wasn't the altercation that was the reason for his suspension but the fact that he just sucked as a player. This is hard to hear from one of the worst teams in the league, let alone one that has had only seven (yes SEVEN) healthy players the last two games. When I heard I felt pretty bad for the little guy...

-Until I heard he got around $900,000 just for his RELEASE! Sheesh, what a lucky jackass! Him and his "Smushcalade" can drive off into the sunset with Keith Van Horn for all I care:

If I save every day of my life, and rob everyone I see on the street while I do so, I MAY be able to afford the headlight on that car.

POOKIE DON'T!

Today 11 wins became enough for the Miami Heat. Dwayne Wade's 2008 campaign came to a close this afternoon, as he's decided to undergo therapy for his knee that will sideline him for the rest of the year. According to Wade, he's been feeling pain just getting out of bed, and had no intention of cutting back his minutes, so this was the next logical, and expected step that the '06 Finals MVP would take.

"I'm just trying to get ready to opt out stay positive right now," Heat forward Shawn Marion said. "All you can do, really."

Stay positive, Matrix, stay positive. D-Wade is supposed to have OssaTron treatment, which sounds like a drink that a Transformer would drink while enjoying one of Rigel 7's private holobeaches, but is really some very sophisticated form of shock wave therapy. As a matter of fact, it's so sophisticated, that apparently you go through about 30 minutes of it, then you can't train for 30 days. Wade will be able participate in "passive exercise", which is limited to light activity such as swimming or bicycling.

The good news is that Pookie wants to participate in Olympic basketball, which is a promising notion for Heat fans since he will be rehabbing as best as he possibly can to get in shape to play with those guys in August. Really, I rate this injury about a 5. It was pretty much known something like this was going to happen by now anyway. Pookie likes being hurt, I'm convinced of it. I like his style though, getting paid to get shot in the knee with painful shock waves is my bag too. This is a good thing Miami, the Beasley Bus is coming, HOP ON!

Guess Who Could Be The Next Team To Go From Gutter To The Penthouse!

Author's Note: I love that title because I actually live in a penthouse in New York. I may never get over the novelty of living in a type of apartment that shares itself with a popular adult men's magazine. On a side note, I have nothing against people who live in the gutter, although I'll be damned if they walk into my apartment without taking their shoes off first.

While it may be too late in the season for them to do anything this year, I would keep an eye on the Miami Heat if I were you.

Yes, seriously. Stop giggling. I know they have lost 6 straight and are a complete joke this season, but the Heat's highway theft of Shawn Marion for a broken-down Grimace from McDonaldland indicated that the team could be on the upswing quicker than previously thought.

In fact, when the Marion-for-Shaq deal happened it reminded me of when the Celtics got Ray Allen. Everyone at the time scratched their heads and said, "Well, THAT was a waste! Why get Ray Allen when they are so far away from contending?" Then, as we all know, the Celtics initiated phase 2 in their plan to take over the world by adding KG and they are now our supreme overlords (if this becomes a movie, it will feel similar to "Independence Day" except all of the aliens will look like Big Baby).

Well, rumors are now swirling around the Heat possibly adding another player. Namely, Mike Miller seems convinced that he is going to be sent to Miami. Apparently Mikey is telling his good friends that he will be traded for either the contract of Jason Williams or Ricky Davis. If the Heat got Miller for Ricky Davis it would somehow mean the Heat, in some roundabout way, traded Mike Miller for Antoine Walker. That is like getting a truckload of diamonds in exchange for a night of "anything goes" intimacy with Dennis Franz.

-Having Walker on your team is actually way worse than that, but that was the worst image I could think of for now.

Getting Mike Miller would make the Heat starting lineup:

Dwayne Wade

Mike Miller

Shawn Marion

Udonis Haslem

Mark Blount (or insert center they draft here)

Yikes, that looks like a pretty good team. Granted, the Miller trade has to go through first, but I'm writing this more to give you a heads up where the next "out-of-nowhere from-crap-to-gold team" might come from. We already know the Grizzlies want to completely crush their fanbase's hope beyond recognition and this would be a solid step in that direction.

Also, look for a possible trade to influence Pat Riley's current "should I stay or should I go" comments to the media (and The Clash karaoke stylings). After all, Riley only really wants to coach teams when they are already built up for him so he can ride the wave to glory. Look at it like Brett Favre's annual public waffling about whether he'll retire, except completely driven by how much he will win and devoid of any kind of soul. The lookalike for Al Pacino's character in "The Devil's Advocate" would accept nothing less.

The Southeast Division's Losing Streak Is Fun For All Ages!

It was a slow Sunday, with most people (myself included) basically taking the day off and relaxing. The extra time allowed me to take a glance at the standings and it would appear that one team has had a bad run of losing lately.

This team I refer to is the entire collective Southeast division.

See what I did there? I zinged ya!

I didn't? You saw it coming because it was in the post title? Crap. Well I guess you got me there.

Anyhoo, with the exception of the Magic, who have actually been doing quite well lately and only have a losing streak of 1 game, all of the Southeast teams have been losing in droves:

- The Wizards have cooled after a resurgance and have lost 6 straight. I should note that the Wizards have a chance to either extend or snap this streak right now as I write. They are currently trailing the Suns 75-71. Only you, reader of the future, know the outcome!

-The Bobcats have lost 6 straight and appear ready to admit that Jason Richardson was not the answer to all of their problems. The grassroots campaign to bring the Hornets back to Charlotte should start any day now.

-The hapless Heat played their first game with Shawn Marion and still lost their 7th straight game. The fun thing about the Heat this year is that they appear to enjoy only losing in incredibly long streaks. It's only a matter of time before I find a fun way to gamble on this with friends.

-Even the Hawks, a team that has been surprisingly good this year, has lost two in a row and 6 of their last 10. -And here we thought we had something by pre-ordering 500 "SUPER Mario West" t-shirts. Damn fortune cookie, with it's "You Will Succeed With New Business Endeavors" lies!

Yes, we know this article is just yet another in a long line of "the Eastern Conference Sucks" posts on the internet, but it is still rare (and quite fun!) to see an entire division do the figurative "Biff Tannen from Back to the Future" and get horse manure dumped all over it.

If Washington wins tonight, I'll be sure to update this post to let you know which rock to find me under.

I Think There's Strip Clubs In Atlanta

Remember how the Hawks and Heat were supposed to replay the last 50+ seconds of their Dec. 19th game due to Shaq getting DQ'd prematurely? So what the heck is supposed to happen now that Shaq doesn't play for the Heat anymore? Does Shawn Marion get to play? Will that even matter? Probably not, but there are those famous Hotlanta strip clubs. Traveling to Atlanta would be worth it for any other team besides the Heat since Miami players can just sit on the beach and get better entertainment for free.

Big Trade Commentary Part III (Last One, We Promise)

I just HAD to chime in on this one.

Man, I had just said earlier this past week that the 2007-08 season is "The Year of You have got to be KIDDING me! Trades" . Now this happens. Let's recap what kind of a world we live in:

-Shawn Marion traded for the hollow husk that used to be Shaq?

-Pau Gasol traded for Kwame Brown. THE Kwame Brown?

-Kevin Garnett traded for Al Jefferson and a pile of dog excrement?

-Jason Richardson traded for Brandan Wright, an unproven rook (who isn't doing squat)?

-Ray Allen traded for Wally's World, Delonte West, and a pile of magic beans?

It would be one thing if these deals looked bad in hindsight, but all of them looked horribly bad right from the get go. I have officially lost any sympathy for the Grizzlies, Timberwolves, Warriors, and Sonics for at least the next 5 years. We can now add the Suns to that list.

The Marion-Shaq trade, or "Shaq-gate" as I will heretofore refer to it, completely blew me away when I heard about it at work today. In fact, here is the conversation I had with the coworker who told me verbatim:

Coworker: "Hey did you hear about the big trade in the NBA today?"

Me: "No, what happened?"

Coworker: "Shawn Marion got traded."

Me: "WHOA! For who?"

Coworker: "Shaq."

(Silence)

Me: "Haha, very funny."
Coworker: "No man, I'm serious. Check it out. It's everywhere online."

Me: "Weird. Well, I guess Phoenix must be getting a bundle in return. Who else are the Suns getting?"

Coworker: "No one. It was Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks for Shaq."

(Silence)

Me: "-But...but...Phoenix does a run-and-gun style! This makes no sense!

Coworker: "I know".

Me: "And Shaq is useless at this point anyway! Shawn Marion is one of the best players in the league!"

Coworker: "I know".

Me: "Damn, what a weird year. I'm off to lunch. Call me if the Suns trade Steve Nash for a box of Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets."

Talking to others it appears there was a similar reaction across America to this trade. Flabbergasted people were mumbling things like, "Well, now I guess Amare gets to play power forward, which is his natural position". Sorry, but even this line of reasoning doesn't make much sense. Shaq basically plays as frequently as a solar eclipse.

I have to step back for a moment and congratulate the down-and-out Miami Heat for somehow getting someone to take one of their most overpaid, overweight, and old players (it was tough to type that as I love Shaq) in exchange for Marion. I went back and forth on how they managed to do it. Did they send a cardboard cutout of 1997-era Shaq? Did Steve Nash temporarily lose his short-term memory and demand this trade happen? Does Isiah Thomas in any way have a hand in Suns team decisions?!?!?!

Nah, in the end I think it boils down to one thing: Rookie mistake by Steve Kerr, who seems to have flown too close to the Sun employment-wise. With Kerr's two big moves so far being the acquisitions of Grant Hill and Shaq, he seems to only want players that were stars in the league back when he played.

-You know what that means...Shawn Kemp to the Suns! Man, I can only hope.

Miami To Be Saddled With Marcus Banks, Part II

Continuing the Miami-Phoenix trade coverage, in my opinion this move by Phoenix smells like desperation. The Suns have been neglecting their budget and have ignoring to build through the draft, which makes their ever-present future bleaker by the year. By taking on the 35-year-old's massive contact, they're making a statement that they have no choice but to win now before the LA combo of Kobe, Pau, Bynum, and Odom reigns supreme.

Shaq doesn't exactly seem like a perfect fit for the "7 seconds or less" system Phoenix has been running since Mike D'Antoni arrived. Although his size will finally put Amare Stoudamire back into his natural position at power forward, Shaq may get in the way of the relentless Nash-Amare pick and rolls the Suns run. On the plus side, Phoenix's ability to stretch you out with their long range shooters will give Shaq more room to operate in the paint than he has this year in Miami.

What I hope is not overshadowed is that Shawn Marion will finally be getting his wish to leave Phoenix. Despite the personal and team successes Marion's been a part of, he's often demanded to be traded, making him become the Manny Ramirez of the NBA. If you've read Jack McCallum's book on the Suns, you'd have a better insight as to why Marion felt so under-appreciated. It's going to be quite interesting to see how well Phoenix does without his defense around. Often times, Marion was exhausted from being undersized against his match-ups, but even more so from having to erase Amare's boneheaded mistakes with terrific help defense.

Lastly, Marcus Banks blows big fat donkey dick.

Common sense is telling me that although this will cause a lot of ruckus, Phoenix will still fail to win the desired championship. Plenty will have to go right for them, including having a healthy O'Neal come playoff time. Does this help Miami either? Not really, but I bet they'll win a few more games.

BREAKING NEWS: Let's Make a DEAL! I'll Take the Aging Big Man and the Retarded Contract Behind Door Number 2 Monty

Let me start by saying I never thought I'd say this deal's getting done, but this deal's getting done. All preliminary reports say that Shaquille O'Neal is going to be moved to the Phoenix Suns for Shawn Marion and a horribly expensive contract point guard Marcus Banks.

This deal looks sort of crazy on paper, but let's delve a bit deeper. We know why it makes sense for Miami, they get The Matrix, and they get to move Shaq's contract so they can still make their prophesied "splash" this summer, due to Jason Williams' $8 million and Ricky Davis' (Andre 3000) $6 million coming off the books; and with the record they'll finish with this year, their upcoming draft should go pretty well too. Phoenix on the other hand, gets to move Banks' and Marion's contracts, which is a blessing for them, but they get to pick up Shaq's ($40 million over 2 years left), which doesn't fix their luxury tax issues, and Banks is a point guard, already a position that the Suns are light on. So what good does this trade do Phoenix?

One thing it does is lets Amare Stoudemire go to the power forward position, which is his natural position, and which is GREAT for him in the West because teams will have match-up nightmares against him. Think of when they play against their rival San Antonio Spurs, and Popovich has to decide which guy Duncan guards, and who ever Big Fundamental's not on will get to take advantage of Fabricio Oberto (LL Cool Fab) and Fransisco Elson. Stoudemire's a bruiser that can dominate inside, yet his finesse, quickness, and athleticism is something the majority of Western big men have trouble defending. That in and of itself makes the deal pretty sexy.

Plus when Nash leaves, Amare is the leader whether anyone likes it or not, and Kazaam's not a bad guy to learn about being "the man" from. They also like the idea of Boris Diaw being Shawn Marion Lite at small forward, which he can do with his size, shot, and athleticism, and really, Marion was bringing the team down with his "I'm the Matrix when I want to be attitude" and his whining about playing second and sometimes third fiddle to Nash and Stoudemire (for more information on this, check out Jack McCallum's fantastic book Seven Seconds or Less: My Season on the Bench with the Runnin' and Gunnin' Phoenix Suns).

Overall, I like the deal. Miami probably won't be able to keep Marion due to his opt-out clause, but playing with Dwayne Wade changes people. Marion may become a vegetarian and start going to Pilates, or maybe even beat Dragonforce on Expert (the child in that video is not a real person, I'm convinced). So for all we know, he may want to stay there, and that could make Miami dangerous. Shaq may be a bit of a paper tiger, but he's still a low post threat which can draw double teams, and Nash can completely exploit that. Hopefully, this can be the blossoming of Boris Diaw that we've all been waiting for, and maybe Amare will grow up a bit and take it to that next level going from high quality big man to elite big man, because he's really really close and this might be exactly what he needs.

We're Playing The Heat? Tell KG and Ray Ray To Take The Night Off

Some games you go into with the feeling that the game will be a tight, back and forth grudge match, where the best team will be decided with a shot at the buzzer.

Yeah, soooooo...this was not one of those games.

Tuesday night the Boston Celtics "played" the Miami Heat, a game that most people figured they knew the outcome of before it even began. To counteract this, Boston decided to at least make it HALFWAY interesting by telling a sick Ray Allen he had the night off and giving KG another night to recover from some strained abs. Surely Miami, with Wade, Haslem and Jason Williams, would be able to make it halfway interesting against a team featuring Brian Scalabrine and Tony Allen?

Not a chance. These days if you pitted Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Miami Heat jersey against a pile of dog shit in a Celtics Jersey, the dog excrement would kick him in the groin like that kid did in Kingergarten Cop.

The Celtics SPANKED the Heat by 30 points, even with Paul Pierce being held scoreless for much of the first half. Miami was owned by the likes of Leon Powe (25 points) , Rajon Rondo (23), Tony Allen (20), and Eddie House (20). The only guy who even seemed to make an effort on Miami was former Celtic Mark Blount, who had 20 points. I envision Blount using every opportunity between each of his game-high free throws to whisper, "Hey, so can I come back? You don't even have to pay me. Just get me the hell out of here."

I'd call this the low point in the Heat's season, but there's just SO much time left and SO much further to fall. This isn't going to be like the John Travolta E! True Hollywood Story, where the main character finds a revival in his career and things end peachy despite the dip in production. This is going to be more like the Leif Garrett Behind The Music, where the Miami Heat wind up crying to some old guy in a wheelchair, apologizing for getting in that car wreck that left him paralyzed. Who knows what the basketball equivalent of this is. My guess: Udonis Haslem found dead in his apartment with a nude Pat Riley shivering in the corner and mumbling something about, "It being the only way to get another ring."

I say next game just toss the Miami Heat dancers out there and at least give the fans something entertaining to watch.

What A Great Way To Call It A Career!

While trying to glean more information on who will be the next Miami Dolphins head coach (my one source of non-NBA interest), I stumbled across this gem while reading the Miami Sun Sentinel:

"Heat acknowledges error in Mourning "retirement" story"

Yes, that is right. The Miami Heat posted on their website that Alonzo Mourning said, "Yes. I'm retired. This is it for me". The only problem, if you really HAD to find one, was that he never said that and was furious that the team mentioned he would be retiring on their website instead of him personally announcing the end of his career.

Imagine being in Alonzo Mourning's shoes. You play your ass off for a ton of years, sweat and bleed on the court, risk your life by rehabbing yourself from a debilitating kidney situation, play as a crucial backup on a championship team while you are 36 and falling apart...and after all of that you get "retired" by some dumbass who misprinted your words on a team website.

I would say that sucks, but that doesn't do it justice. It would be more like being a contestant on this show:



I feel for ya, Alonzo. Have fun in retirement!

Come Get Your Smush Parkers! Selling Smush Parkers Here!

The Miami Herald, my favorite publication to read when I need to talk myself off of a ledge as a Dolphins fan, previously said that Miami is actively looking to trade Smush Parker (seen on the right, getting his junk grabbed).

This comes as no surprise as Smush was banned from the team following an altercation, and when he did play his moves (or lack therof) looked like that clip of Jean Claude Van Damme dancing in a leotard in that breakdancing movie he did.

What DOES surprise people is that somehow it seems there are teams interested in his services. These teams include Cleveland, Boston, Houston, and Golden State, at least according to the Herald and Pat Riley (so chances are it is bogus).

You take a look at that list and the first thing that jumps out at you is Cleveland's interest. After foolishly going with Larry Hughes, a move that looked like a bad idea at the time and wound up playing out that way, this interest looks similar. Cleveland is like that friend you have that keeps getting in bad relationship after bad relationship and you just watch from afar with a wince as it happens. Even though you say to him, "I dunno about that chick dude...she keeps downing shots and calling out people at the bar", he keeps saying, "Nah, man, it's cool. She's just having a bad day. This girl is the one man, I'm telling you. She is the ONE!" When he comes crawling back to you and says that she slept with someone else/killed a guy/turned out to be a guy, all you can do is be there for him. Hopefully the Cavs don't buy Smush a drink.

In regards to the Celtics, they are the Patriots of the NBA (both in talent and hatred levels) and with their needs for a backup PG they could somehow find a way to spin Smush into gold. I'm convinced a wizard cast a spell to make all Miami teams bad and all Boston teams good. If you don't believe me, just take a good look at the standings in all the major sports this year. It's CRAZY! If Boston could turn a dim bulb like Big Baby Davis into a huge sparkplug off the bench in his rookie year (which he has been this season), you know they have magic. For further proof, look at his incredibly awesome profile photo of Big Baby on the left. The only thing that would make it cooler is if he had cookie crumbs on the side of his mouth.

As for the rest, I think Houston and Golden State are just some names Riles threw in there since they likely wouldn't get Smush unless the asking price was basically free. Western conference = a tad more skepticism when talking about shit NBA guards.

Regardless, we wish the best to Smush on his NBA (or NBA Developmental League) travels. If an 8-23 team thinks you aren't good enough, you KNOW they're someone stupid enough to pick you up.

-You know somewhere Isiah Thomas read that last sentence and just rubbed his hands together. Get er' done, Zeke.

Who Won The Underachiever Championship?

There have been a few teams that have sucked this season worse than expected: The Bulls, the Cavs, the Rockets...but few have crapped on fan expectations worse than the Heat and Nets.

Tonight the Nets and Heat squared off, attempting to shed some light on which of these two teams actually had a shot and which was just hit-you-over-the-head-with-it screwed.

The Nets had been making headlines with Jason Kidd's admission that the team had no heart and the widespread rumors that he was faking injuries while attempting to be traded. Couple that with the fact that Nenad Kristic has NOT bounced back in any way from injury, Richard Jefferson has seemed exasperated and annoyed at teammates, and Vince Carter has been launching more wild off balance shots than Carlos Arroyo could even fathom...and you have trouble.

The Heat, meanwhile, have been making implosion an art form. Riley has called out the players almost nightly, Shaq only tries when his self-esteem needs a boost, and the expiration date officially came on about 90% of their geriatric roster. Even Dwayne Wade's arrival back from injury hasn't been able to do jack squat. The biggest surprise of all is easily that the team is somehow WORSE without Antoine Walker, the Charlie Brown of basketball (granted, the Wolves are substantially worse. Antoine power!)

So with all of these factors thrown in a pot and mixed, who would have thought that it actually turned out to be a very well played game! Wade scored 41 points, Carter had 31, Jefferson had 29, Kidd had 11 rebounds and 10 assists, and Udonis Haslem had 18 points and 12 rebounds. The game was also back and forth straight until the game finally ended in overtime. As Richard Jefferson said, "Both of us needed this one."

So who sucked more? With Kidd actually trying, you KNEW it had to be the Heat, who lost 107-103. At the end of the night, the talent level just isn't there with a team that starts Chris Quinn and plays Earl Barron more than 1 minute in a game.

With this loss, I am officially beginning the "Riley bail watch". Riley has neither the tolerance, dignity, or spine to actually stick around to take the blame for such a crummy team, so in my opinion it is only a matter of time before he bolts unless something good comes along. That "good thing" could be next year's draft. If the season ended right now, the Heat would have the second worst record in the league and a fantastic shot at winning the overall top pick in the lottery. There is a chance they could get a really great prospect in the draft to pair with Dwayne Wade for years to come.

If those pick pong balls fall into place for the Heat, expect Riles to stick around with a grin. If the Heat wind up like Boston with a pick at 5 or higher, expect Riley to 'do a Jerry West' and run out on the club.

It all comes down to how those balls drop (that's what she said).

Isiah Thomas Vs. Stephon Marbury...A Clash Of The Titans

I wonder if Spike Lee even cares anymore.

As you might have heard by now, lovable headcase and THF banner member (he's the guy sticking his head out of the limo above on the far right) Stephon Marbury made headlines by not showing up to Knick's practice on Tuesday.

-When questioned about it, Isiah Thomas implied that he had no idea that Stephon wasn't showing, saying that action would be taken and making the situation sound quite serious.

-When Stephon was questioned, he said that Thomas had given him permission to take time off when he asked for it and that everyone just misread what happened.

This leads us to an amusing guessing game with America's most dysfuntional team as to who was actually telling the truth. Let's break down the circus. Do you believe:

A) The guy who is arguably the worst GM in history (though McHale might want to plead his case).

-Who totally fucked up his wikipedia page when he was forced to pay $11.6 million because he notoriously sexually harassed Anucha Sanders. Oops.

-Who, apparently, is the GOD OF POPCORN. I still remain the God of everything else.

-Who said “Bitch, I don’t give a fuck about these white people" to A. Sanders, providing incredible insight into the reason behind why David Lee may be the lone white guy on the Knicks for all of eternity.

B) The guy who has been listed as unmanagable by several coaches. -Even others than Larry Brown!

-Who proudly testified in court that he banged a Knicks cheerleader in his truck despite the fact that he is married.

-Who came out in strong defense of Michael Vick with his "Dogs are animals. Who cares if they die" speeches. Nice one!

-Who at one point said that he wished the three-point line would be moved further back from the basket because it was "too easy for me to score where it is". Yes, he really did say that.

-Who picked up his cell phone right in the middle of that infamous Mike'D up interview in which he said he wanted to average "12 dimes and...3 assists" (This interview was completely yanked off of the internet by his publicists because it was so hilarious. If you can find it, let us know.)

-And, last but not least, might be the worst AND best Steven A. Smith impersonator on the planet.

Looking at this rundown, while Isiah seems to be inept at working in a corporate environment and gets led around by his wang like a divining rod, Stephon just seems to be completely insane. I actually thank the Lord, Jesus Christ, every single evening that I don't have to coach Stephon Marbury. Some things are just impossible.

Wait...someone is chiming in on the subject of Isiah...

Okay, that sealed it for me. Isiah is the wrong party here. Fire Isiah.

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Update: Pat Riley's Heat just got blown out by the Bobcats. While I typically find Riley to be a smug prick, insufferable in anything more than short doses, I have to give him credit for what might be the quote of the year so far:

When asked after the game about what he thinks he could do at this point to help the team, he responded, "Me? Play. I guarantee you I should suit up. I'd play better than some of them right now," Riley said Tuesday night. "I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62-years-old and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."

The guy may be Al Pacino's character in "The Devil's Advocate", but I'll be damned if that isn't a great quote.