Amare Likes Your Shirt...Now Give It To Him

5 Seconds Earlier: "I'm sorry sir, we've run out of nacho cheese"

Olympiakos Is Pissing Me Off

It was only just last week that I thought to myself how highly effective bench players, Linas Kleiza and Von Wafer (who's crotch is being whistled at by Sasha here), were yet unsigned and likely to not cash in on as much money as they probably hoped. But of course, I had not considered that the Greek team, Olympiakos, has been lusting after NBA sixth-man talent like dorks at Comic-Con for the chance to stand next to the bike from Tron (which in retrospect is a horrible movie by the way. It's similar to how you remember Johnny Quest to be a cool show but then watch an episode now and realize it's crap).

Considering that Wafer will be making more than 600% than he made last year and will be in Greece instead of crappy NBA cities like Charlotte, Minnesota or Oklahoma City, I am overcome with envy followed by relief knowing that at least I don't have to pretend to not be staring at Josh Childress' nasty teeth.

And as for Kleiza (seen here smoking an invisible cigarette)? I'm more sad to see him go for the soul reason that he played, like Ginobili early in his NBA career, in a manner that said he had no idea that he wasn't the best player on his own team.

Quick, Gimme Something That Rhymes With Grizzly...

...because Zach Randolph is on his way to Memphis in exchange for the guy who was once engaged to Brandy! Still don't get it? Let's revisit this famous quote from Randolph when he was a co-chairman of the Jail Blazers:

I'm not a Blazer, I'm a gangsta.

Genius....

PS: I think both players would be happy with their new homes. Q was going to be on a bad team anyway, but now he can lounge on the beach and bring back the double-fisted head bump to LA. And for Z-Bo? Well, Memphis will have all the ribs that he can shove down his fat face!

Houstonians, Hold Onto Your McGriddles

As Houston scrambles to figure out how they are going to survive next season without their franchise players Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming, trade rumors are swirling. One of the biggest ones thrown out there will bring Eddy Curry to Houston, the 6th fattest city in the country. If this happens, what will be the over/under that we will see the first 400 lbs. NBA center?

Live Bloggin'

9:29 Report from the AP: Larry Brown is already frustrated with Gerald Henderson and is calling around looking for buyers.

9:25 Other notable 19th picks: A man named Tiny and common criminals.... We'll see you in court Teague!

9:22 Roy Williams is texting recruits: If you commit to this program I will get you drafted WAY too high.

9:13 And the 8 PPG dynamo fell this far?!?!?!?!

9:08 Jay's guest commentary: James Johnson??? A big guy who isn't physical enough to play the four and doesn't have the skill set to play the 3 at an NBA level? How can my team draft Marcus Fizer twice in my lifetime? I demand reparations.

9:08 Is it national Prince day? Why is everyone wearing purple?

9:02 Is Daye Prince's cousin with a dentist?

9:00 Jay: The Bulls should pick Blair just for retaliation against Rondo or Mullins to fill the hole that's been missing since Armstrong left....
Me: I think they could use one more forward

8:55 Wait, is Phoenix trying to get all the guys from Golden State?! Awesome!

8:50 Wait, I was just kidding! I didn't really mean that you should draft Jeff Foster Part Deux! Has anyone noticed that his highlight reel is him falling? Best "Must Improve" of the night: Finish above the rim.

8:45 Wait, you were right...Henderson is funnier. Clippers East, you've outdone yourselves once again.

8:44 PLEASE BE HANSBROUGH! I BEG OF YOU!

8:40 BEST SUIT OF THE NIGHT goes to Terrence Williams. It's Johnny Cash meets Silver Surfer. But how will LeBron enjoy playing with him (I can dream right?)

8:37 Still trying to figure out why Orlando made this trade....

8:27 Bosh, I will help you pack your bags.

8:25 I fully expect Rachel Nichols to drop dead from the cigarette breath emitting from Donnie Walsh's mouth.

8:22 FIRE ISIAH!

8:21 This marks the 10th time tonight that I've said, "Earl Clark would be a good pick at this point." I am a sports genius.

8:18 Dell Curry has that look that says, "blah...blah...do you see my wife? I mean just look at that!"

8:14 Dr. Spaceman says: Johnny Flynn's entire body stopped growing when he broke a growth plate in his ankle. Also, there's no way of knowing where the human heart is.

8:05 Surprisingly, no one looks upset to go where they're going so far. Also, this is probably the most interesting point of the night. What's this fly by night franchise going to do for their second pick?

8:00 Old man rant: If you want to "Market Yourself" why pull your hat over your face?

7:52 Not much to say right now except that I LOVE THE BOW TIE AND BEARD!

7:43 Why do I think that in the Memphis war room they're just picking names out of a hat? No matter who they get, it won't work.

7:40 Is it just me or is Griffin dressed like how I think old school brothel owners dress?

7:36 Are they seriously on the clock? Do I sense some last second hesitation? How do you feel about DeMar DeRozan?

7:33pm So I just ran out of work like a donkey eating a waffle and I'm sitting in a bar with the college of adviser of Jordan and I. Away we go....

Jennings: Rubio can lick my balls

Of course that was Jared Jennings from this hostel over here, but the real Brandon Jennings has said as much according to SI.com. And since I'm a little....tired....I have two words for the Oak Hill Academy alum: Jeff McInnis.

Captain America To The Rescue!

Sooooooooo there's a place in Dublin called Captain America's that's got tons of murals like this up and it's the place for high schoolers to go and get tipsy while people like me sing karaoke "Caribbean Queen" to them but stop mid-sentence because they switch the TVs to the NBA Finals....and I'm drunk enough to say that this game is fixed on the mic.....first thought: Tiger Woods' wife is the luckiest chick in the world....second thought: Canadian detectives look like band members of Incubus....third thought: this doesn't look good...night night ya'll blondie on my neck....

Aloha From Dublin Pt. 2

So here I am with my stewardess from my flight and my boy, Jason in Dublin! Somewhere to the left the remainder of the first half is playing and we're demanding that Michael Pietrus shoot the open threes simply to impress the chick out of frame with the big tits. I'm just happy to learn that it's 2-1 at this point and that I'll be back in the states for the final game. And as my boy Ronnie told me, "Yo, my bookie told me that this is going 7 games since Stern wants a long series...."

PS I just read that Tim Donaghy had his knee damaged by his roommie with "a paint rolling stick" back in November. Obviously the guy's a loser if he's getting his ass kicked by a paint brush. Reminds me of my neighbor in my freshman year who had his anal virginity stolen from him by his roommie who was tripping and thought that he was the second coming of Picasso and his roommie's bum hole was his canvas....night night ya'll

So Whatever Happened on Monday?

By far my favorite parts are Faux Jerry Bus and Faux David Stern.

Oh The Humanity!

Immediate Reactions:
1. Who exactly is the host trying to call out as a former WWE employee? Himself? Ron "Jaws" Jaworski? I want the truth!
2. Vince might need to lay off the root beer candy sticks.
3. At the 2:58 mark I'm pretty sure the ESPN host is saying "oh, God!" What did he think Vince was going to pull out? The severed head of Joey Crawford? Socko? A copy of No Holds Barred?
4. Do not cross McMahon for this very reason: On the way home from the XFL's NY/NJ Hitmen's home opener, all the lights in my car blew as I was passing by the HQ of the WWE in Stamford, CT. Some dark shit is going on over there.
5. And why does McMahon think that "Stan Kroenke" is a punchline just like New Jersey is to Governor Patterson?

There Must Have Been A Spider There

Good Samaritan, Rafer Alston must have noticed a deadly black widow on the back of Eddie House's head tonight immediately after House drained a three in his grill.


If you don't remember, Alston was brought in mid-season by the Magic to fill in for Jameer Nelson who was lost for the year. From Houston, Rafer has brought along his dead-eye shooting (6-22 this series, 0-6 from three) and lock-down defense (Rajon Rondo is averaging a triple-double). Unless Stu Jackson thinks its OK for players to just smack people upside their head we'll be looking at an Orlando team in Game 3 with Anthony Johnson starting at the point and Tyronn Lue coming off the bench.

I'm sorry, but I just threw up in my mouth writing that. I'm done.

Portland Overcomes Celebrity Sighting In Pivotal Win

As if having to contend with a 7'-6" genetically manufactured basketball machine and the one Tru Warrier of Queens wasn't enough for the young and easily distracted Portland Trailblazers, they have had to compete against their instinctual reaction to fawn all over the British comedic phenom, Russell Brand.

While simultaneously quoting some of his famous lines from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Brand lead the Rockets to a 11 point lead in the fourth quarter. But minor celebrity sightings failed to keep LaMarcus Aldridge and Brandon Roy down as they single-handedly mounted a comeback all the while mouthing "Inside of You" in Brand's direction.

NBA Brass "Reviewing" Dampier Comments WhileTrying Not To Laugh

Dallas Mavericks center Erica Dampier guaranteed to reporters to put French rap sensation, Tony Parker, "on his back" in the next game Thursday night, presumably to do one of two things: intimidate the Spurs guard...or make sweet love to him. For those not familiar Dampier- the beast man known as carnage and brutality personified- he successfully used this same tactic on Dwyane Wade during the 2006 NBA Finals, limiting the Heat guard to the highest PER in a finals series since the NBA-ABA merger.

When asked to comment, NBA spokesman Tim Frank repeatedly rolled his eyes and said between snickering that the league was "looking into it." When pressed to elaborate on who exactly was going to speak with Dampier, Frank responded "Ummm, I dunno....a security corps comprised of ninjas, vikings, and Chewbacca that's who." He then broke into unstoppable laughter and walked away holding his sides.

No word yet if any other disciplinary action was taken against Dampier.

(Oh yeah, I've got a computer again! Glad to be back!)

A-Rod Buries What Would Have Been Biggest Story

If you think all that happened in the world of sports was the Alex Rodriguez press conference, I have a more dramatic and legendary story for you that's steroid-free!

For hundreds of years the tale has been told around Native American campfire. A herd of American bison was lost in the Arbuckle Mountains during a ferocious storm- the kind only Oklahoma can produce.
Hail fell and tornadoes spun all around the herd as they stampeded, trying to find their way down to the safety of the plains.
One lone bison stayed behind as he helped each of his friends escape down a treacherous ravine... once all of his friends were safe he began his descent, only to find his way blacked by fallen boulders.
Lost, he climbed to the tallest peak; left to face the storm alone and searching for a way down the mountain, he was struck by a bolt of lightning.
The bolt did not destroy him, but, by the power of the god of thunder, changed him. Suddenly, he walked on two legs like a man. He possessed amazing strength and agility- he could jump higher, run faster, think more clearly than any beast.
But because he was no longer a bison- and yet not a man- he was alone.
With many sightings, the legend grew through the years of a mighty bison with remarkable powers roaming the hills alone.
Not until a group of men who carried similar powers came to Oklahoma City did he find some- where he belonged. These men also possessed the power to jump higher, run faster, and perform acrobatic dunks more spectacular than anyone in the land. They too carried the roar of Thunder ever time they took the court.
So he joined their team. And the new legend of Rumble was born.

Sure...whatever. As long as he has pants (unlike this perv,Crunch) we're cool with putting up with the him during ZERO times we see an Oklahoma City Thunder game.

Fail

DING DING DING! We've found a winner (and by that I mean loser) for worst jersey since the Dallas Mavericks shimmery trash bags of 2003. Not only is the jersey hideous, but it also seems as if Gerald Wallace is being terrorized by Louis Amundson's levitating basketball trick.

Other possible things happening in this picture?

1. Wallace is fighting off Amundson from performing unnecessary CPR.

2. Wallace is in fact a new born baby and Amundson is keeping him distracted until the crib arrives.

3. DeSagana Diop's dong became untaped from his leg, floored Wallace while Amundson cries.

Cetics-Magic 1/22/09

Last night the Orlando Magic entered into their home game against the defending champs with the best record in the league. Since this was an important measuring stick match up for both BBJ's and my childhood teams, we each recorded our random thoughts as the game played on.

-The best part of of the game right now was the look in on the Magic locker room during Van Gundy's game adjustments. Van Gundy has obviously found the perfect outfit that his ripped body can fit comfortably in: the t-shirt with a sports coat. That way he can get some reps in during half time.

-Who the hell is the girl who makes the weird pose with her hands under her chin and elbows above her ears in the Gatorade commercial?

-It's REALLY hard to get a a charging call when you flop against Kevin Garnett. Don't even bother to look at the refs for help if you get out muscled by a guy who looks like he's all bones, tendons, and a crappy goatee.

-The micro people in the tour bus gag is running out of ideas already. Afraid of Greg Oden? Hasn't everyone seen just how slow and unintimidating he is by now?

-How aware is Jameer Nelson? It took him about 5 seconds on one play in the thrd quarter to realize that Rondo was guarding Dwight Howard on a switch, leading to a 3 second penalty.

-The greatest contribution of Dwight Howard's career thus far to the league? Making Adonal Foyle even less relevant. He's now been relegated to sitting far down the bench reading the back of the packaging for peanuts.

-Is Howard going for the split goatee on purpose? He looks like the old guy at the Chinese restaurant down the street who hasn't shaved in 40 years.

-Difference between NFL and NBA: You can slow-mo any NFL play at 5 angles and it looks cool. Slow-mo'n a loose ball foul in the NBA is stupid.

-Is this Heineken commercial supposed to be funny or cool? Because John Turturro is neither.

I'm Not Sure What This Is About

I cannot for the life of me figure out what this commercial is about, but it does involve Darryl Dawkins and Vlade Divac- two guys that I imagine reek of cigarettes. Now that I think of it, the reason none of this makes any sense is because they had to scrap the original idea due to injuries caused by actors slipping on all the butts lying about. Damn this genius brain of mine! With great power comes great responsibility...

Also, is anyone else besides me STILL shocked that Vinny Del Negro is coaching the Bulls?

While You Were Probably Watching Football

Tony DiLeo debuted his signature dance moves that are sure to sweep across the nation.

A shockingly legless Shawn Marion reverts back to being 3 years old and hides between his parent's legs.

No one told the D-Bag on the left that the Miami Heat weren't playing the Clippers.

As We Approach The XMas Break...

- Summer 2010 is still the biggest story. We could very well have flying cars, the cure for cancer and an Oscar award-winning Kevin Federline, but I'm pretty sure what we'll still be talking about in 2010 is who will LeBron sign with. Considering his posturing as a native New Yorker despite his team's legitimate chance for a championship, it's understandable if LeBron James doesn't have his mind made up, but shut up and stop giving false hope to Cavs fans.

- Yi is a geezer. I'm not one to say he's old, but Yi talks about what was wrong with the Ford administration, has it written in his contract that he should be in bed by 8, starts conversations about friends who just died, and needs his oatmeal pre-chewed.