Are You A Kings Fan? Do You Like Boobies? We Have The Night For You!

The Sacramento Kings have been craptacular this season, and the NBA has been having attendance problems, so you knew they would start getting pretty creative with their advertising. This is my favorite campaign of the season so far:



Apparently there is basketball being played too, but ah who cares. Bonus points to the Kings for that incredibly crude outline of a girl next to a hot dog. It's almost as if Vegas tycoons with loose moral fiber own this team or something!

Donte Greene Thinks He Sees a Nipple

I'm not too sure what was going down at the opposite end of the court, but its obviously pleasing to Donte Greene's eyes. Maybe it's Megan Fox, Adrienne Bailon's tattooed ass, or maybe he is simply the last man on earth besides A-Rod that thinks Madonna's hot.

New Uniform Time! Huzzah!

Today three teams unveiled their new uniforms for the upcoming season. -Well, they didn't so much UNVEIL them as a ton of internet fanboys and fangirls found internet photos of rookie photo shoots in which the NBA made the players be in the uniforms they would be wearing this upcoming season. Only the Orlando Magic seemed to get away from it without revealing the full monty, saving it for later.

So let's take a look, shall we?

Sacramento Kings

Hmm...not really all that much different here. With the black collar and lack of anything near the shoulder area, this sorta looks like one of those cheap t-shirt jerseys that you can get at Sports Authority, Modells, and other sporting goods stores. This jersey is really more of a metaphor for how the Maloofs and those within the Kings organization are treating the team as of late: "We really don't give a crap about the team...so just toss some generic product out there and call it 'New and Improved'". I maintain my sympathy for Kings fans who are watching their team once again plummet to the depths after a really successful run during the Divac days.

Minnesota Timberwolves

The team scored some points for the new logo they unveiled, even if it was a carbon copy of the Mavericks logo, but this...well THIS is just friggin' awful. Look at that name font. Look at that drab color. For heaven's sake, LOOK AT THAT COLLAR! If there was ever a mish-mash of Kevin McHale's insanity, this is it. I was hoping they would keep the pine trees, as it was a rather creative and original idea to have them on the jersey in the first place, but they are somehow partitioned off to the sides of the collar. The only thing that could possibly make this sillier is if the jersey was modelled by some out of shape guy who is staring down the camera like a creepy outtake from "Deliverance". Someone get Kevin Love on the phone, stat!

Orlando Magic

We're only getting a look at the tippy-top of this jersey since the team is keeping it a secret until a former unveiling, but already America can see into the future: These new Magic jerseys are going to look a bit weird. It looks like Magic rookie Courtney Lee had a zipper on the front of his jersey and pulled it down, as if to say, "Take a look at my manly chest hair." Now imagine an entire TEAM of people looking like they are showing off their chest hair (especially hairy folks like Turkoglu) and you have what will either be the ugliest collection of jerseys or the best retro disco-era jersey of all time. As a Magic fan, I'm hoping for the latter. If they replace the basketball in the Magic logo with a disco ball, consider me sold.

Who's That Person Rocketing Into The Stands?

Oh what a delightful title pun.

Yes, yes...Ron-Ron Artest looks headed off to Houston in exchange for a 1st round pick, Bobby Jackson, and promising rookie Donte Green. This makes both the Kings and Rockets happy, as the Rockets get a promising all-star defender and the Kings get...well...an assurance that they will not be on ESPN for at least a year (their biggest "star" is either Kevin Martin or the Sacramento squawfish) Someone needs to call the Maloofs and tell them that something actually happened with the team they own while they sip on Appletinis with strippers in a jacuzzi.

This makes for quite an interesting roster for the Rockets:

PG: Streetball star Rafer Alston
SG: Tracy "Doctor Says I need a back-eotomy" McGrady
SF: Ron-Ron...nuff said.
PF: Antonio Banderas (Now going by the name "Luis Scola")
C: Yao, the filthiest mouth in the NBA

Not to mention our favorite player...I will use this random drunk guy in Vegas to remind us of his name:



If that roster doesn't sell some basketball tickets, it will DEFINITELY sell some circus tickets.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Kings

Not much of note going on today in the NBA, with the exception of the Monta Ellis resigning with the Warriors, which means it's cheerleader time again.

Today we pay homage to the Sacramento Kings cheerleaders, specificially the awesome ones who posed in these bezerk photos earlier this year. These ladies are intelligent enough to know that when you have to party and take questionable, widely circulated, borderline pornographic images, it is always a good idea to do so while wearing the name of your employer across your chest. Always.

Bobby Brown Gets NBA Contract...Who Will Give Whitney Drugs?

Sorry, sorry, sorry. The Bobby Brown that got an NBA guaranteed contract is actually a different Bobby Brown. That, kids, is what we writers call a "hook". It is somewhere in the writing thesaurus next to the word "shameless".

The OTHER Bobby Brown was signed today by the Kings after destroying other guards in the summer league like Mike Conley and DJ Augustin. The growing buzz surrounding his game even made the evil Europeans take notice, with both Maccabi Tel-Aviv and Barcelona (my honeymoon spot) trying to sign him. -Damn my greedy honeymoon spot.

The signing of Brown by the Kings, in my opinion, is further proof of the existence of God. Who else would be able to conceive of an NBA lineup that would be comprised of both Ron Artest and Bobby Brown? That's like a "meteoric fall from grace" hall of fame. Add Mike Tyson to that lineup and you have comedic gold. Yes...yes, once again it is not the same Bobby Brown...I know...but it's just so damn fun to SAY!

Congrats to Bobby Brown on getting a lucrative deal. I leave you with a fine selection from the other Bobby Brown's library. 'Tis a fine musical contemplation on the romance that surrounds us and binds us in the world...entitled "Humpin' Around". Enjoy:

Kings Send A Kermit The Frog Sound-Alike To The Hawks

Since we were so focused on the Dunk contest yesterday, we didn't have much time to comment on the fact that the Atlanta Hawks traded Anthony Johnson, Tyronn Lue, Lorenzen Wright, and Sheldon Williams for PG Mike Bibby. This immediately helps the Hawks as America pretty much had no idea that those other players were even on the Hawks roster. The Kings, meanwhile, continue their slow and entertaining attempt to get Ron Artest to lash out again with this move. Joy!

Many people emailed THF asking if this move made the Hawks contenders. While I do think that it makes the 7-games-under-.500 Hawks more interesting, and a likely 8th seed playoff team in the crappy East, I don't think in the long run it will make them championship contenders. Earlier this year, rumors were swirling that Sacramento was in a huge rush to unload Mike Bibby because it was starting to get obvious that his skills were diminishing year to year. Looking at his career stats echo this sentiment. Furthermore, Steven A. Smith said today that it was a big move for Atlanta to get "A play-uh of Beebee's Calib-uh!", so this means it will inevitably blow up in their face.

The one thing the trade does do is increase the amount of Muppet impersonators in the Atlanta area. Since back in the day, Bibby's voice has been one of our favorite sounds in the NBA. His Kermit voice is just dead-on, albeit a bit on the quiet side with a bit of a drawl on it. We are frankly impressed that he keeps up the impression for so long:



Wait, that's his actual voice? Oh...that's rough.

Mike Bibby is Still Average

So Mike Bibby came back last night.

*crickets*

Finally there is some sense of normalcy in the NBA.

The only problem is, he played like Scott Howard instead of playing like The Wolf. He ended up with 19 points and 6 boards, which is not bad by any standards, but he turned it over 4 times with no assists. Which for a point guard is the opposite of what you're trying to do see. It doesn't work like that.

Now I'd love to place all the blame on Bibby, but Ron Ron the True Soldier came back last night too. Which is fine, because they need it, but apparently there's a chemistry issue, and they just weren't ready to play together. Bibby said,

"I didn't want the welcome to be like that. We have to get used to playing with each other again and get everybody on the same page."


Which is funny to me, because Kevin Martin (Sacramento's Lord and Savior) had a very Steve Urkelesque 39 points in his comeback, and I didn't hear any complaints about chemistry and time to get everybody on the same page and blah blah blah omg i'mgonnadie wahhhhhhhhh.

So maybe the issue isn't your team Mr. Living Canvas, maybe it's you....

No Equal Trade Value For Artest, Isiah? To The Balk-Mobile!

Ron Artest, the Knicks-iest player to NOT be on the Knicks, is coveted by that very same pants-monickered team. This we know.

In addition to this, we've already known not only that Artest wants to play in his hometown, but that he also that he enjoys pointing out repeatedly that he respects Isiah Thomas (it has to be the popcorn at this point).

Why, OH WHY can't they get a deal done and send Ron-Ron to his fate in orange and blue? It would make this already hilarious team even funnier, and at this point the Knicks are obviously targeting "headline humor level" when contacting other players.

Well, one educated guess would be that the Knicks have almost no one of any value that any other team could possibly want at this point besides David Lee, and they don't want to deal him. Even Zach Randolph, usually a monster when given the ball enough times, seems to have been engulfed by the Knick's career draining disease (affectionately called 'Dolan-itis').

So what do you offer to another team when you have little to nothing to offer?

Hint: He is the one doing "Blue Steel" in the picture above.

That's right ladies and gents.....................the Knicks are ready to deal their savior.

The Sacramento Bee, our favorite newspaper for Maloof hijinks and "We got Stan Van Gundy" gun-jumping headlines, is reporting that the Knicks are now willing to deal Renaldo Balkman in an attempt to get Artest.

-The same Balkman that everyone passed on in the draft and caused the boos to rain down from Madison Square Garden when the Knicks drafted him.

-The same Balkman that Isiah Thomas defended by saying the Suns were targeting him in the draft, only to have the Suns laugh that they had never heard of him.

-The same Balkman that everyone raised eyebrows at for a while with some decent play, only to see him return to earth and get buried on the Knicks bench this year. He is currently earning about 2-8 minutes a night (When Wilson Chandler gets more minutes a night than you, your career is not goin in the right direction).

Well, you know what the Kings' brass must be thinking: "Our Best Player For Balkman? SIGN US UP!"

Anything less would be uncivilized. Please get this deal done.

On a side note, a Balkman for Artest deal would not only cause the mass suicide of Kings fans who are clinging to that last shred of hope, but it would also result in behemoth bonuses for MSG security guards. We're also pretty sure it's in Revelations in the Bible somewhere as the seventh seal.

What The Maloofs Are Doing Instead Of Helping The Kings

While the Kings lurk in the sub .500 land of mediocrity, at least the fans have solace that their owners are doing whatever it takes to get their team back to respectability.

For instance, Kings fans were treated by this quote when they opened Sports Illustrated, knowing full well in their hearts that soon their team would be on top again:

"Whenever I looked out the window, I saw kids skateboarding,'' Joe Maloof said.

Yep, that's right Sacramento fans. While the Kings resemble the kidney stone passed by championship calibur teams, the Maloofs are holding the first "Maloof Money Cup", a skateboarding competition in Orange County. Kings fans will smile knowing that while "superstars" like John Salmons and Mikki Moore play for their team, the good money is going right where it should: To get Mischa Barton some elbow pads before she gets on that board.

At least the competitors know that the namesakes of the competiton have some serious skateboarding backgrounds. Tony Hawk, eat your heart out:

"I tried skateboarding when I was a kid,'' Joe Maloof said. "There was a place in Albuquerque called Kistler-Collister; it was a shopping center and it had an underneath parking garage. I went flying down the ramp and hit one of those drainage pipes that was sticking up. I must have flew 100 feet and landed on my face.

Has this team moved to Vegas yet?