Mayyyyyyyybe This Wasn't Such A Good Idea

Alright! First preseason game! A great chance to check out my draft pick Danilo Gallinari!

He can't play because he has a sore back? Oh...Well, alrighty then.

At least I'll get a chance to see if my attempts to whip Eddy Curry into shape will come to fluition!

What? He has a mysterious bacterial infection? What does that even mean? Does he have a cold? Is it lupus?

Well, to hell with them. I'll get to check out some of role players and figure out how to shape the bench on this squad. HERE! WE! GO!

Is this the injury report you're handing to me? Let's see....okay what the HELL. Allan Houston, Jerome James AND Jared Jeffries can't dress tonight? Who do I have to give a rub down to get some personal trainer help around here? I mean sheeeeeeyit!

Mustn't...get...down. This town will swallow you alive if you show that you are upset. Stay strong, D'Antoni. Stay strong. (Looks in a pocket mirror, strokes moustache, and kisses at the reflection). There, all better.

Let's go team! Game time! ...God help us all.

(The Knicks lose to the Raptors. Chris Duhon, the Knicks' highly paid free agent acquisition shoots 1-7, and has 7 turnovers. Chris Bosh goes off for 20 points in 25 minutes. Mike D'Antoni spends the night of his first preseason game as Knicks coach with his wife, staring at the ceiling and wondering if he can somehow gracefully bow out of this job and enter the world of high-stakes popcorn sales)

I Am Super Pleased With The Foundation Of This Knicks Squad, By Isiah Thomas

Before I begin, can I interest you in some popcorn?

No? You're sure? Alright, but you're really missing out.

To be honest, I'm not here to talk about popcorn. I'm here to talk about how the New York Knicks are looking absolutely friggin' incredible right now. By "incredible", I don't just mean like "1 or 2 championships-in-a-row" good...I mean like a minimum of 9 championships in a row. That good.

Bet on it. I'm serious. Drop your shit right now and go to Vegas and throw all of your money on it. I can wait.

As I've said it in almost every interview I've done recently: there is a spectacular foundation on this Knicks team and things are exactly where I would like them to be. I'm sorta being modest when I say that. Things are way beyond where I expected them to be, to the point of where the world will scarcely believe the amazing things this Knicks team can do.

I know what you're thinking: Wahhhh, this Knicks team is only 12-26. Wahhh, they should fire their coach and bring some respectability back to the big apple. Wahhh, they appear to be the worst team I've ever seen on an NBA floor, let alone in the great city of New York.

Well, sure...NOW.

I've been a bit shy to really talk about it, but my grand plan is to bring this Knicks foundation 9+ straight championships beginning at the outset of the 2021-22 season.

Sure, laugh if you'd like. The medium I consulted with about this told me you'd do as much.

While this team isn't built to win right now, just think of how this foundation I constantly speak of will flourish down the road. In the year 2021, when robots have finally have become self-aware and the NBA commissioner allows them in the league, I firmly think the best thing to combat them will be Ronaldo Balkman's deadly jump hook. No one can do that like him, so we will have an edge.

Also, after the great tsunami of 2010 hits and half of the U.S. cities are underwater, who will be shown posterizing the other guys? That's right, Quentin Richardson. He swims like a seal, that guy. The only guy who can hold a candle to him in that respect is Tim Duncan and his championship rings from this era will make him slow and disinterested.

One of our biggest advantages will come from Jamal Crawford, who breathes sorta funny when he plays. When I first saw him I noticed he takes really quick, short breaths, and it popped into my head that I had to work with this kid someday when the ozone is depleted and it feels like we're all at mile-high altitude. He's going to be running circles around the other guys, you know, when we play games in cities that are above water.

Lastely, the player I have gotten some of the harshest criticism for working with lately is Eddy Curry. His weight fluctuates and he really just kinda half-asses it out there. Any other coach would have given up on him by now. -Then again, any other coach would also not have come up with the genius scheme of telling him to pace himself for 13 to 14 years down the road, when he REALLY will be needed. I've also been feeding him buckets of fatty fried food in the hopes he will live off of his body fat when the world food supplies diminish around the year 2010 (that tsunami is going to fuck shit UP, I tell ya!)

Thus, if you think my foundation-laying sounds kinda hairbrained, go right ahead and join the so called "experts" in the media, our fanbase, and most of the members of my family. I could care less because I okayed it with the only man that really matters: MSG president James Dolan. I personally went up to his office when I began working for the Knicks 4 years ago and said: "James, I plan to institute a plan in which our team will win the league every year. It will take a little more than 17 sub-.500 seasons, but this team will be built to flourish in the post-apocolyptic environment we will live in then.

You know what he said? "Yeah, what the hell, sounds good to me. I make my money either way." Would a guy who didn't genuinely believe in my vision pledge his support in such a way for all these years? Exactly.

So feel free to join the rest of America in laughing out loud at this Knicks team, because ultimately we will be the ones having the last laugh.

-And no, I won't share any of my damn popcorn with you after the food shortage.

The Hell Are You Looking At?

HEY YOU! What....(BURP)....the....schnlar ya lookin' at? Ya, I'm talkin' to you! Ya feelin like ya wanna go home in a body bag, don't....(VOMIT)....don't....(VOMIT)....body bag don't....(VOMIT BLOOD)...don't ya? Oh I feel much better. SHIT! The....the shakes are back. DONNIE! DONNIE! WHERE'S DONNIE? (Weeps uncontrollably and falls out of chair)

HEY WHERE'S MY DRINK? YOU! You....it was you, you son...son of a BITCH! As soon as I get myself off this floor I'm gonna skull fuck you....yeah, I saw you eyeing my Rob Roy. When I get done with you, Hondo's gonna give you a Sloppy Thurston like we used to do back in the 60s.

Ohh, this is a nice floor....nuthin like this in Maui. Go ahead. I want you to have it.

BARTENDER! Gimme....gimme a si-(FART)-x pack of Schlitz. I'm in this for the long haul tonight. Wha? Where's Marciulionis? That Commie bastard was always good for a laugh. He was always asking me when we were gonna run some set plays. PLAYS!?!?!?!, I'd say. I had no idea no idea we were a bunch of pussies!

Baron Davis: Coach! Who are you talking to? Have you been paying attention at all to what's been going on? It's the 3rd quarter!

I Am Batshit Insane, By Stephen Jackson

Oh hi, I didn't see you there.

My name is Stephen, but friends in my hometown of Port Arthur, Texas call me "Stevie". You might have heard of me. I play for the Golden State Warriors and recently got named as captain. Pretty neat, huh? I also have an effective crossover dribble and can post up smaller guys on occasion.

-Those are just some silly little traits though. The important one is this:

I am completely, 100% batshit insane.

I know, I know, you're saying to yourself, "Oh, he's joking. This guy's quite the joker." I must assure you that I am not. I just took a shit in my pants while we were conversing on this busy city street. If you need more proof I am more than happy to provide it. I had a lot of fiber this morning.

"But what about Ron Artest", you say. "He is the most crazy one of them all?"

Hahaha. The demons in my head thought that was a good one!

Ol' Ronnie is just a quirky guy who is obsessed with that crap 'music career' of his and has a hairtrigger temper. If he wasn't so angry all the time, the public would be all over him like flies on Gilbert Arenas. He's been a perfect gentleman while in Sacramento, and meanwhile yesterday I had sex with a pineapple multiple times while hiding in the closet of a kindergarten class.

From what I saw, their fingerpainting drawings were shit, by the way.

Look, if you need a resume, over the past three years I've been charged with felony criminal recklessness, and a number of other misdemeanors, including assault, disorderly conduct, and two counts of battery. If I've been caught for all of that, can you IMAGINE how much I've done that I haven't got caught for? Can you fathom it? It took me about 6 of my personalities to fathom it, so I'm going to bet you'll have trouble with that one.

If you need a more high profile case, take that silly incident in Indiana with the crowd and whatnot. Ron Artest had garbage thrown at him, had fans hopping in front of him telling him to punch them, and retaliated. Me? I just launched myself into the crowd and starting swinging until I hit something. For you see, in Ron's head they were savage attackers who could have done him bodily harm. In my head, the members of the crowd all looked like this:

I fucking hate leprechauns, so those fans had to get their asses beat.

Anyhoo, I'm glad we had this chance to talk. You may be a fire hydrant, but I have to say that you are a great listener. Hopefully our paths will cross again one day again. If you need me, I'll be in that club, waving my gun around and screaming that banshees have invaded my pants. Talk to you later.

(Finishes urinating, zips up pants, and walks away)