Boris Diaw Gains Some Weight

No that is not Boris Diaw above, but what an absolutely AMAZING photo.

Boris Diaw, owner of the "Boris Diaw Face"*, must be having some fantastic offseason.

Larry Brown spoke out today, saying, "Obviously Boris is way out of shape."  Then he added, "He's running foul line to foul line right now, which is understandable."  -This being in reference to Boris sitting on his butt after hurting his ankle.  Obviously, while resting that ankle he was getting fitness advice from Raiders QB Jamarcus Russell.  

You can just picture Larry Brown, sitting and rubbing his temples with frustration as a Bam Bam Bigelow-sized Boris Diaw sweats while tying his shoelaces.  Diaw, always the consummate Frenchman, must be dipping his fries into mayo, because it wasn't like the guy was in fantastic shape anyways at the end of last season.  I can only hope that this continues, because a sitcom where Larry Brown has to get Boris Diaw in shape would be ratings gold.

*The "Boris Diaw Face" is an expression derived from Boris' overly smug team profile photos.  The face, without words, tells women, "Suck my ****".  For this reason, the phrase can be heard being used in social circles, for example: "How into me was she?  All I would have had to do was give her the Boris Diaw Face and she would have been all over me!".

For more information, please see below:

Analysis: Chanandeler Bong For Okay-For

Today the Bobcats and Hornets swapped big bodies, sending Emeka Okafor to Nawlins and Tyson Chandler to the neon orange "place where careers die" entitled "Charlotte". I read about it on the coolest designed team site in the league, and immediately thought what all of you thought:

"The Bobcats are not going to take this whole "we're the worst-run organization in sports thing" from the Grizzlies lying down"

The Bobcats get an oft-injured center who the Hornets pretty much tried to toss into the garbage last year, and all they had to give up was their most promising big man who would certainly garner All Star attention if he didn't have that whole "I was drafted with Dwight Howard" thing hanging over his head. -Oh, and the neon orange mark of death on his jersey.

Seriously, at what point do fans just throw their hands up and say, "Screw this shit. They're not even trying to be competitive anymore." As a Marlins fan, I've seen the team unload its stars several times, but at least they did it intelligently and have fielded competitive teams every 6 years or so (if you go by the rule of 6, the Marlins should win the World Series again this season). The Bobcats, meanwhile, have made it obvious with this move that while the team is looking for new ownership they are bound to be in a quagmire of feces talent-wise.

So, here are some grades:

Hornets: B

The Hornets acquire a worthy big man to supplement the underrated (except for Chris Paul) talent on their team. All they had to give up was a player who was only on their team for failing a physical last season with another team.

Bobcats: W-

Chandler must be holding a gun to his head as I write this, looking at the prospect of being coached by Larry Brown and playing alongside such immense talent as Boris Diaw. Tough luck, kid.

Now I Know Where To Get All Of My Sports News

In what could only be described as a stroke of genius, a site called Fantasy Sports Girl has decided that pretty much anyone can read the damn news off of a cue card, so why not just have all sports news read by pretty girls?  All newscasters are doing is reading the words that some other poor schlub wrote and passing it off as their own anyways.  Plus, watching the news being given this way also adds the pulse pounding excitement of whether a supermodel with the IQ of 8 will be able to correctly pronounce a name like "Gerald Wallace", which is a solid 3 syllables over their typical "Duh" statements.  How can you not love this?



This particular girl employs the "stick my hand in my jeans and shimmy my hips from side to side" method that made Andersen Cooper so popular.  Tell me you didn't watch her say "Nor were able to make their usual mid-April tee times." and think that as soon as they said, "Cut" she had to ask someone what they meant.  Then, you know she said something like, "Why do they need tea times?  They aren't in London."

See how I worked the London reference in there because I'm currently there?  Sha-BAM!

Fail

DING DING DING! We've found a winner (and by that I mean loser) for worst jersey since the Dallas Mavericks shimmery trash bags of 2003. Not only is the jersey hideous, but it also seems as if Gerald Wallace is being terrorized by Louis Amundson's levitating basketball trick.

Other possible things happening in this picture?

1. Wallace is fighting off Amundson from performing unnecessary CPR.

2. Wallace is in fact a new born baby and Amundson is keeping him distracted until the crib arrives.

3. DeSagana Diop's dong became untaped from his leg, floored Wallace while Amundson cries.

Well, THAT Was Quick

As you can see from my previous post, it was only a matter of time before Larry Brown weighed in on the shitstorm known as the Bobcats and alienated his players further.

Check out his reaction to the trade with Phoenix below. Between saddened tone and mentioning TWICE that unlike his team at least the Suns have a chance at doing something this season, you can see just how happy he is. My favorite is that he actually says that it will be a shock to Boris and Raja when they come to the Bobcats and see just how far they've fallen.

Just inspires you to play some great basketball for him, doesn't it Bobcats?

Trade Review: J-Rich For Clothesline McGee and "The Boris Diaw Face"

Today J-Rich got traded to the Suns in exchange for Raja Bell and Boris Diaw...two folks that are now weeping as they accept their silly cartoon jerseys and ticket to one of the bottomfeeders of the NBA. As THF typically does when a trade goes down, I'll play teacher and see how to grade the the badass mofo GMs in this trade.

Phoenix Suns: B+ Let me just start off by saying this: I do not think Steve Kerr is a good GM. He totally bungled that Shaq trade, even with Marion being angry, giving up power and electricity for a center whose best days were behind him. Then he thought Grant Hill would be a good choice as starter (I am a Magic fan, so I can tell you that was NOT a good idea, Steve). Then, after he learned Grant Hill wasn't a good choice at starter, he got Matt Barnes and thought he would suddenly explode as a solid scoring option. -All this being said, I think he actually made a good deal here. This can only lead me to one conclusion: Jason Richardson surely has a lingering injury that will immediatlely render him useless to the Suns. It's the only way this makes any sense to me. Still, for the time being I have to give Steve an "atta-boy" and a pat on the rear.

Charlotte Bobcats: D- The Bobcats traded away one of their best players for...a 32-year old guy who serves mainly as a utility player and a hit-or-miss Frenchman who is currently on the bench. Yeah, sounds about right for the Bobcats. I'd feel bad for fans in North Carolina if any of them actually liked this team. The real question is when Larry Brown will start alienating this team, calling them worthless and laughing when they talk about winning. I give it 4 months before Raja's first clothesline to Brown's neck. Bonus points mark this one up from an "F' simply for employing the services of the "Boris Diaw Face" (seen in photo at right), which is a team profile picture that says without words and hilarious bedroom eyes, "Suck my ****".

Congrats to both teams on the trade. Fans of ugly orange jerseys rejoice.
- Black and Blue Jor
*************************************************************************************

LET'S MAKE A DEAL
Yes Bobcat fans, your team can get worse. You've traded away an athletic scorer for a guy with a track record for clotheslines and a pear-shaped frog who once said, "I don't date American women. I have them." But hey, Bell is a Coach Brown type of guy and so is...oh wait, Diaw will be suicidal come New Year's.

As for Phoenix, this will likely accomplish nothing, but now they can argue that they have three (and when Shaq plays, three and a half) stars. At this point Bell is no longer the defender he's touted as, but after watching last night's game versus the Lakers I'm ready to bury all of Terry Porter's defensive philosophies.


THIS JUST IN!
Hall of Fame coach, fitness buff and known steroid abuser, Chuck Daly, smashed a fan's camera on a golf course. Pray to God that you never cross paths with this mentally unbalanced lunatic!

- Anubis Taylor

Yet Another Great Year Awaits You, Bobcats Fans!

Looking at the Charlotte Bobcats this season, one thing is evident: Sarah Palin will undoubtedly cost John McCain this election.

Crap, I have to stop watching CNN while I type. What I meant to say is that it is evident that this is going to be another looooooong season for the Bobcats and their fans. They are a whopping 0-7 in preseason play, and while I admit that preseason games don't matter that much, at least it is a good barometer for the all around abilities on a team.

This is odd, as the Bobcats have a good amount of talent on their team. You think of names like Okafor, Gerald Wallace, Jason Richardson, Raymond Felton and Sean May and it seems odd that this team can't pull it together. Then reality sets in. You realize that the team is run by Michael "Air/Drive your franchise into the ground" Jordan, has people like Nazr "19 pump fakes per shot" Mohammed in the starting lineup, drafted Adam Morrison (who isn't even LISTED on the team's depth chart on Yahoo!...thanks Larry Brown!), and considers Matt Carroll a KEY part of the team, and you see where it falls apart.

There is only one more shot for this Bobcats team to win this preseason: Thursday against the Lakers. We will be watching that game closely. I can't think of a more demoralizing thing than going winless in the preseason, short of talking nonstop of your children while you cost John McCain the damn election...CRAP! I have to change the channel.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Bobcats

It's Friday! It's Friday! It's Friday! It's...well, it's about 11:12 on a Thursday as I write this...but, screw it! It's Friday!

The only news today is that Rip Hamilton said sleepy dwarf did a bad job at coaching, and spending longer than a sentence writing about that would have driven me into a sleepy dwarf-esque coma. Thus, 'tis time to check out some cheerleaders.

This week we go to North Carolina, home of the Bobcats. I have some friends in the Carolinas, and they all say the same thing: "We love the Panthers! The, uh, Bobcats haven't really caught on so much..." This is quite odd given the fact that they wear the commercially friendly 'highway construction worker orange' and have some sort of bizarre Fraggle Rock character as a logo. Ah, enough beating up on the poor Bobcats. Their cheerleaders demand your attention! Have a good weekend everybody.

Senile Old Man Told He'll Be Coaching The University of North Carolina Circa '82

A press conference is scheduled this afternoon to announce that the 67 year old coaching legend, Larry Brown, will be the next coach of the Charlotte Bobcats. It's possible that Brown seeks to bring the excitement and excellence of Carolina collegiate basketball to the pro level, but it is more likely that part-owner, Michael Jordan, showed up to the interview dressed as an 18 year old and asked Brown why he should choose to play at UNC.

Brown's contract reportedly includes incentives for oatmeal, Dannon's Activia Yogurt, a special rocking chair on the bench, and a dismantling of the USSR. Don't believe that the Great One would stoop to such lows? Count the amount of times they substitute "Bobcats" for "Carolina Basketball" in today's press conference!

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of March 3-9

Lots of fun games coming up this week, and with our fancy new shortened name, we figured there was no better time to break out a new weekly staple: WE TELL YOU WHAT TO WATCH. We'll begin every week with a glance at the top 3 games to watch and their oh-so-fun storylines. It's sort of like the Sporting News' "On Deck" Column, but with less actual info and more photos of Megan Fox (Maxim says she can only cook Hot Pockets and Eggo Waffles. HOT!)

Without any futher ado, here's our top 3 for this week:

3) Cavs at Knicks (Wednesday March 5th):

Knicks to Stephon: "-AND NEVER COME BACK!...So, uh, you coming to tonight's game?"

Remember that crazy ban the Knicks put on Stephon Marbury last Friday? Yep, 'tis gone. The Knicks invited the guard to their home game on Monday with super short notice, and Isiah actually ran away when asked if there were any restrictions on what Marbury could say. We figure this time around Marbury will have some time to actually show up, and will probably drop some f-bombs for the kids. Anything that happens on the court is just icing on the cake.

2) Rockets at Mavs (Thursday March 6th, TNT):

Assuming they beat the hapless Pacers on Wednesday night (we'll go out on a limb and say they win it unless Travis Diener starts...the man is 87 pounds of pure fury), the Rockets will be looking to extend their winning streak to 17 games when they face the Mavs. This game will probably break some sort of record for amount of times a guy's injury is mentioned. We suggest you watch it on mute, folks.

1) GAME OF THE WEEK: Spurs at Suns (Sunday March 9th, ABC):

This game will be sort of like a limbo contest because at this point it's all about "How low will the Suns go?!" I'd be more proud to say that I called Steve Kerr singlehandedly ruining the Suns chances at a championship if every other person on the planet didn't silently predict the same thing. Notice to NBA owners: former players do not equal smart businessmen. These people buy cars with night vision as investments!

MUST MISS OF THE WEEK: Bobcats at Timberwolves (Tuesday, March 4th):

The Bobcats are 4-22 on the road. The Wolves are 12-46 TOTAL. Something's gotta give. -We think it will be our stomachs.

It's A Fun Nickname...Right Up Until The Brain Tests

Bobcats star forward Gerald Wallace's nickname is "Crash", which is a cute reference to his penchant to tossing his body around the floor like a rag doll for his hapless, neon orange team. People watch him and Dwayne Wade run around and laugh and cheer like they're watching one of those bears on unicycles at the circus.

Well, maybe it's time to stop using the "Crash" nickname with a smirk and a giggle, and for someone to say, "So, uh, dude?...Can you take it down a notch?"

Why? Well, today Gerald Wallace is going to the brain doctor to undergo tests. Apparently, he just recently got his 4th concussion in 4 years, something which seems very difficult to achieve. You know you have issues when you get a brain-injury hat trick and THEN some. The latest concussion involved an errant elbow from Sacramento Kings' Mikki "all elbows" Moore, which knocked Wallace unconscious and made everyone really nervous for a while. If you've ever seen the Bobcats mascot "Rufus Lynx" nervous, you know something bad just went down.

This is only the latest in a list of completely bizarre Bobcats injuries. Let's recap:

Adam Morrison - Diabetes

Gerald Wallace - Fragile Brain

Derek Anderson - Dibilitating Dental Issues

Sean May & Othella Harrington - Knee Injuries have knee injuries, which have knee injuries

In all seriousness, we hope that Gerald Wallace gets better and stops hitting his skull. We all see how annoying Steve Young is on ESPN these days after all his concussions, and if that is the road Gerald's brain is headed down we need to give him a helmet NOW before it's too late.

The Southeast Division's Losing Streak Is Fun For All Ages!

It was a slow Sunday, with most people (myself included) basically taking the day off and relaxing. The extra time allowed me to take a glance at the standings and it would appear that one team has had a bad run of losing lately.

This team I refer to is the entire collective Southeast division.

See what I did there? I zinged ya!

I didn't? You saw it coming because it was in the post title? Crap. Well I guess you got me there.

Anyhoo, with the exception of the Magic, who have actually been doing quite well lately and only have a losing streak of 1 game, all of the Southeast teams have been losing in droves:

- The Wizards have cooled after a resurgance and have lost 6 straight. I should note that the Wizards have a chance to either extend or snap this streak right now as I write. They are currently trailing the Suns 75-71. Only you, reader of the future, know the outcome!

-The Bobcats have lost 6 straight and appear ready to admit that Jason Richardson was not the answer to all of their problems. The grassroots campaign to bring the Hornets back to Charlotte should start any day now.

-The hapless Heat played their first game with Shawn Marion and still lost their 7th straight game. The fun thing about the Heat this year is that they appear to enjoy only losing in incredibly long streaks. It's only a matter of time before I find a fun way to gamble on this with friends.

-Even the Hawks, a team that has been surprisingly good this year, has lost two in a row and 6 of their last 10. -And here we thought we had something by pre-ordering 500 "SUPER Mario West" t-shirts. Damn fortune cookie, with it's "You Will Succeed With New Business Endeavors" lies!

Yes, we know this article is just yet another in a long line of "the Eastern Conference Sucks" posts on the internet, but it is still rare (and quite fun!) to see an entire division do the figurative "Biff Tannen from Back to the Future" and get horse manure dumped all over it.

If Washington wins tonight, I'll be sure to update this post to let you know which rock to find me under.

Charlotte's Touring Circus Adds Another Act

I ask you this as one human being to another: How can you NOT like the Charlotte Bobcats?

They are such a ridiculous team that they almost lack believability. They resemble that football team on ESPN's short lived tv show "Playmakers" that was a overtly fake group of stereotypes whose sole purpose was to expose the seedy underbelly of sports. That playmakers team that had the over-the-top drug addict, the sex-addict womanizer, the gay guy afraid to come out, the guy cheating with HGH and steroids, the guy with severe mental problems...you know, the average team you play with on your YMCA rec league team.

Well, the Bobcats are that unbelievable, but in real life. Their colors are primarily highway worker neon orange. Their mascot looks like those waving cats you find in the windows of Chinatown shops. They have Michael Jordan as a GM despite him making a complete joke of his previous franchise (the Wizards). Their team was ultimately named "the Bobcats" after a nickname owner Bob L. Johnson had. If you had told me any of these things would be possible before they were established in 2004, I would smacked you and called you a liar shortly after I was done giggling.

Where am I going with all of this? Today the Bobcats announced the signing of Lilliputian Earl Boykins. Instead of wondering why Charlotte would sign a 5 foot 5 guard who is 31 years old, hasn't played all year, and seemed disgruntled enough to opt out of his last deal with no direction in place, I simply smiled and said, "Of course the Bobcats got him." THAT'S WHY I LOVE THE BOBCATS.

You see, dear reader, the Bobcats already had this incredible string of oddball characters on their "Playmakers"-esque roster:

-Adam Morrison, a Steve Prefontaine-lookalike who is all elbows, cries in huge games (see our logo for reference), and "always eats steak and baked potatoes 2 hours and 15 minutes before a game".

-Jeff McInnis, a player who was told by the Nets during the 2006 playoffs that he was such a nutjob that they were better off without him and paid him to be inactive.

-Nazr Mohammed, a guy who not only is the butt of numerous jokes amongst my friends for his penchant for 8 rapid-fire pump fakes before each shot, but also somehow got this far in life despite having a name that is pronounced "Nazi".

-Derek Anderson, not as much a man as a god. Derek Anderson (pictured right) is known throughout the fantasy basketball community as the guy who somehow puts up insane numbers in random spot duty. It is a rare occurance, like seeing a unicorn, but it happens at least once a year. He used to do it all the time, but the achilles heel of this lord of the layup turned out to be when teeth injuries made him miss several games one season (no joke). He was never the same since, and as a result his only known weakness is his teeth.

Raymond Felton, whose profile photo proves that ODB is still alive, he just shaves now:

Shimmy shimmy yaw shimmy yam shimmy yay!

Matt Carroll, a guy whose profile photo looks like every single tennis-playing douche villain in 80s movies.

I could go on and on, discussing Mr. Eyebrows Okafor, the Stay-Puff Sean May-Mello Man, and amazingly funny former club members such as Fabio, but then we would be here all night and I know you need a good night's sleep. Just take it from me, the next time this travelling circus comes to town, I will be right up front to get my ticket and "SEE THE AMAZING 5 FOOT 5 MAN!"

Oakley Gets A DUI

The photo above was waiting for me from several people when I checked my email today.

Our good friend (and MJ sidekick) Charles Oakley was nabbed for driving under the influence in Georgia. Apparently he was swerving all over the road and willingly said he was wasted with a smile when asked by police.

While many of the comments we received were pretty good, my personal favorite came from my friend John:

"I think MJ, Ahmad Rashad, Kevin Bacon & Cuba Gooding all chipped in for his bail and some complimentary hanes underwear....that or MJ used the Bobcats 2008 mid-level free agent exception for bail. This picture is now my desktop wallpaper."

So what could have driven Oak to drink and drive...besides, ya know, the fact that he seems to be drunk every day nowadays? My guess is the fact that some other peeps seem to be stealing his comeback idea:

Today Michael Jordan worked out with the Bobcats, and Isiah Thomas said that he would shake up the roster a ton if the Knicks' losing ways continue. We know, we know, unlike MJ Isiah Thomas doesn't seem to be hinting he will shake up the roster by actually playing himself...but would that be so out of character? For those of you who still fail to see his dimentia and don't think there is a possibility of this happening, I have the 8 most recent words that Isiah's guardian angel whispered in his ear as being good ideas:

1) Popcorn

2) Sexual-Harassment

3) Balkman

4) Caucasian-Hate

5) Zebo

6) Francis

7) Marbury

8) Tooth-whitening.

Who is to say that he won't come to work one day with a Knicks jersey under his dress suit and tear-away suit pants? It's what I pray for every night before I go to sleep.

MJ claims he was just practicing with the Bobcats and laughed off a comeback, but we are hoping to the heavens above that the Bobcats completely tank and we see Oakley and MJ on the court at some point. Even if it is a long shot that they unretire and play for Charlotte (MJ needs to devote as much time as possible to grinding with college girls), at least we can dream. For now we'll have to settle with Oakley wearing a neon orange uniform when he performs community service on the roadside.

Sideshow Bob...To The Bobcats?!

Anderson Varejao, America's favorite out of shape and overweight palm-tree-lookalike, reached an agreement Tuesday night with the Charlotte Bobcats on a three year deal. Since he is a restricted free agent, this means the Cavs have until the end of the week to match the offer or watch him walk.

Reading this made me sit back and actually think of what things I know about Anderson Varejao. Let's see...

1) He helped set the world record for "most people wearing a wig during indoors" during a Cavs game.

2) He practially broke a person's face in half during the FIBA World Championships.

3) With his incredibly high shoulders, hunched back, and slouched posture he is easily one of the most bizarre looking players I have ever seen live during a basketball game. He looks like a muppet.

Yup, that's about it.

These attributes already make him a perfect fit for the hilarious Bad News Bears team named the Bobcats. They already have a gambling, chainsmoking NBA hero as a GM, a crying Prefontaine clone, Raymond Felton (whose profile photos all make him look like ODB), and other wacky players like Matt Carroll and Primoz Brezec. When it comes down to it, Varejao was BORN to wear the neon orange space suit.

Sadly, according to people close to the Cavs organization it looks like Cleveland will likely match the offer and toss Anderson into Charlie Bell Hell, a land where escape from your team is impossible.

We can only hope he finds a way out so we can see him receiving a handshake and a stogey from Mike. The comedic implications are endless.

Michael Jordan Done Fucked Up

Michael Jordan is getting a divorce.

This isn't huge news as it is tough to go anywhere these days without seeing a photo of Jordan drinking, drooling over teenage girls, and double-fisting cigars with cohort (and devil-on-your-shoulder-for-hire) Charles Oakley.

What IS huge news is the amount his wife is about to get: 168 million dollars!

That sets a record for celebrity divorces (no, seriously, it does) and makes rich guys with unhappy wives across the nation sweat profusely as they read this entry. So where did Jordan go wrong? Let me count the ways:

1) He shouldn't have married Michael Jackson. Anyone who has seen Michael Jordan's wife has inevitably uttered the same phrase: "Wait...no seriously, who is Jordan's wife? Get the hell out of town. THAT is his wife?" I'm not a beauty pagent judge (I'll leave that heavy lifting to Tony Romo), but I am with most of America with the thought that Michael Jordan could do better. Mrs. Jordan could have the most amazing personality in the world and it still doesn't change the fact that she is dating THE MAN WHO BUILT BASKETBALL. Even if she was gorgeous it wouldn't matter. A man with such a hand in history cannot sustain one woman, but rather deserves a harem and a half.

2)He shouldn't have become a spokesman for a phallic-shaped delicacy. Every man in the world knows that only two types of men have huge amounts of confidence: A) Jerks, B) Married Guys. Single women like the confidence of married guys. Thus, married guys have enough temptation in the world to fill a stadium. Throw in the fact that Michael Jordan was a beloved idol who traveled to a different city every night chock full of women and you have a recipe for disaster. Now, imagine that same disaster, but with those same women yelling, "Give me your hot, juicy beef frank. I want it in my mouth" and you have grounds for divorce, my friend.

3)He did the movie Space Jam. This is unrelated to the divorce, but talk about a fucking travesty.

4)He didn't run the wife over with a golf cart. This really is the biggest mistake Michael Jordan made. When you have hundreds of millions of dollars, know that the wife you have loved for so many years has become obsessed with money instead of you, and you have begun seeing "Jacoby & Meyers" on the outgoing caller ID, it is time to take action. Michael took this as his cue to go golfing with buddies and let the situation play out. Bad idea. The whole thing would have been avoided if he had just shifted that same golf cart he was in into high gear and tore through the house. -And you know Oakley would have had a funny quip like, "Playing through!" to yell in between sips on his flask.

So, sorry Michael, but you brought this one on yourself.