Kevin Love Weight Watch: He Be Fat Again

Kevin Love, the Oprah of weight fluctuation, is in the hunt for a personal chef...do you smell potential reality tv show gold here as much as I do?

Yes, Love has gained an undisclosed amount of weight, which usually means something horrific. No one has a problem with admitting someone gained 15 pounds...so yeah it has to be above that. I have to also say that it's always a good sign when:

A) Kevin McHale acquires you. This almost certainly means you suck.

and

B) You need to hire a chef to keep your weight down, despite the fact that it is your JOB to EXCERCISE and you spend around 10-15 hours a day in the weight room and doing intense cardio.

This leads me to one conclusion: Kevin Love either has a bad glandular problem (in which case he has my sympathies) or is eating scoops of cookie dough on alternating minutes in the day in a bizarre "power hour" display. The real truth is probably much grimmer, with him injecting gravy into his veins like Motley Crue.

I Like Joey Dorsey

Rockets rookie Joey Dorsey comes across like a incredibly entertaining guy in every interview he is in. He is refusing to pay for dinners as a rookie, and he may give Brent Barry cornrows. Why are we stuck with analysts like Magic "I say things so obvious that even John Madden would shake his head" Johnson when you have people like this out there?



Hopefully we get a few good years out of him before he descends into the quagmire of "both teams played hard" professionalism. Boo.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Raptors

Okay, I'll admit it: I know nothing about Toronto. They have maple leafs, Mike Myers is from somewhere close to there I think, they might have blue jays...yeah, that's all I got.

Ah well, they do have cheerleaders and it IS a slow news day, so let's take a glance at some Toronto Raptors dancers.

This video is much more enjoyable if you imagine the Raptors mascot, who is creepily hanging out in the back of the camera frame, is actually the devil saying to you, "I know what you're thinking while you look at these young, attractive women. I have your soul now sinner, hahaha!"



I'm going to spend the rest of my night looking up interesting facts about the great city of Toronto. -Or spend it eating fruit mentos while I lie on the couch and watch television. Tough choice there.

Happy Birthday, Black And Blue Jor's Wife

This weekend is my wife's birthday, so I will be busy planning a crapload of exciting activities for her. Unlike most of you scalawags out there, I actually enjoy planning parties and getting gifts for others...most likely because I try to only surround myself with people I care about (the other people I shove directly into moving traffic. They can befriend car bumpers).

All of this wife-worship led me to think of what my favorite NBA wife-related moment was. It would have been easy to go with the whole Karl Malone hitting on Kobe's wife situation, and would have just been stupid to show a bunch of those clips of people getting married at the stadium. Thus, I went with this, perhaps the best combo "wife mention/way to end an interview" ever. Congrats to Chris Webber:



"Who did your wife just bone?" might be the best slogan not used by a major retail outlet. I think Burger King would do well with it, especially if they had a shirt with that King mascot on it pointing at himself.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Clippers

Hey, it may be a slow news day in the NBA, but there's always something to report.

Similarly, it may be a crap franchise that can't string together consistency, but there's always the good looking models in Hollywood that cheerlead for them. Go Clippers.

On a related note, I'm going to visit Hollywood this December...(looks at newly acquired wedding ring)...Nooooooooooooooo!

Here's To Celebrations

Since there is little to nothing news-wise in the NBA today, I figured we'd take a look at an 'oldie-but-a-goodie'. I will now immediately apologize as that is such an irritatingly overused phrase.

Next time you get a raise at work, find some cash in between your sofa cushions, or perhaps even realize that the newest episode of How I Met Your Mother recorded on your DVR, I encourage you to celebrate. Life is short, and we have too little to actually get overly happy about these days. -And I don't just mean celebrate as in "Yay...that's great." I mean really get your ass up and do a little dance.

If you need it, here is Charles Oakley to inspire you. Enjoy:



I should also mention that should you be the Larry Johnson figure in someone else's celebration, I give you complete freedom to kick that person in the nuts.

New Orlando Magic Jerseys: A Review From A Hard To Please Fan

Well, the long wait finally paid off: The Magic unveiled their new look today. Specifically, Dwight Howard unveiled it in his usual Dwight Howard subtle fashion



I want to punch that guy who chants "Dwight Howard! Dwight Howard! Number 12! Number 12!" You know you thought the same thing.

It isn't as much an overhaul as it is an improvement. It takes their over-the-top silly "stars and Disney look" of the 90s, then takes their over-the-top "we are so disgusted by how fruity our outfits used to look that we're going to make our jerseys as boring and bland as possible" look of 2000 on and finds a happy middle ground.

How does it stand up to my expectations is the REAL question:

- Does it have pinstripes, something I loved on the old Magic jerseys?

Check. It not only has stripes, it has wacked out pinstripes that do this weird thing that has them going over the shoulder. It's like the way the Yankees jerseys would look in Back To The Future II!

-Is one of the jerseys black?

Double check. I wanted a return to the black jerseys the Magic wore during the Shaq era, but they did one better and put black on BOTH home and away jerseys by putting them on the sides. Slick.

-Did they do something about that piss poor writing on the chest?

Check. No longer are we bored by the font, with them instead going with some sort of futuristic font thingy.

-Did they lose some of those ridiculous stars they had all over their jerseys/logo?

Check. No longer looking like the ceiling of a 8th graders bedroom (what with those glow in the dark stars they put everywhere...okay it wasn't a perfect analogy) the Magic have cut back on the silly stars all over the place. Thank the lord.

-Did they do something to spruce up their logo?

Hmm...not as far as I can see. Their logo isn't all that bad, so this isn't the end of the world, but it still would have been fun to see something a little different to accompany their new jerseys. Perhaps an image of a person eating cheddar flavored Sun Chips, or watching that slow motion scene in Fast Times At Ridgemont High, or something else you find magical. Man, I'm tough to please.

-Did they not irrevocably screw up their image when they are starting to get more popular?

Check. This was the biggest one for me. They could have trotted out something like the shitstorm that was the new Timberwolves jersey, but they successfully blended a futuristic looking jersey that was somehow traditional in its execution.

Jolly good show, Magic folk. Jolly good. I look forward to seeing JJ Redick decaying on the bench with these on. Overall review: A

New Orlando Magic Image Eve

I'm going to keep it short tonight because I will be writing up a storm in regards to what the Orlando Magic unveil as their new look tomorrow night. My favorite team in my favorite sport in my favorite...um...country...getting a new look is exciting as a Megan Fox peepshow, so I'll be sleeping tonight with gumdrops and candy canes in my head in anticipation of what David Stern-Claus drops down my chimney tomorrow.

Should the Magic get a cool new look that doesn't have silly stars all over the place AND my lowly Miami Dolphins actually win a game all in the same week? Be still my beating heart.

Let The NBA Games BEGIN!...Ya Know...For Gamers

Last season I spent much time debating which NBA game I would get for my handy dandy PSP console. After reading about a million reports of the prevalent and oft-hilarious glitches in NBA Live 08, I went with the lesser known NBA 08. You can read about the two of em' here. In the end, I was quite pleased and gave myself a big pat on the back (this looked odd to the others in the subway).

Well, the first of the previews are coming out for the 2009 incarnations of these games. I've been in love with the NBA 2K franchise, but as usual God has thrown his head back and laughed at my attempts to play this while in transit, and thus the PSP has not carried it. That leaves me with NBA Live and NBA 09...yet again.

First we have NBA Live 09, and I have to say...it looks pretty darn good. The gameplay looks good and fluid, and the graphics are realistic.



Then you have NBA 09, which is going to be called "NBA 09: The Inside". I like this as it is incredibly vague, leaving every friend you mention it to saying, "Inside of what?" This of course leaves you to say, "Inside YO MOMMA!" Make sure you have good running shoes as you attempt this joke.

Taking a look at the series, it once again looks like the lesser of the two games in terms of gameplay and graphics, but seems to be notching up its role as "The game that you get for the random silly stuff that's elsewhere on the cartridge, like pinball and random guys yelling at each other...like in the video below..."On this..BLACK- TOP!"



I look forward to checking these games out and making my decision for you, the informed NBA viewer. More to come soon, including future pats on the back.

Shaq Nominated For The New Jersey Hall Of Fame

I usually try to come up with a silly title for these posts, but this one was silly enough. I've lived in New Jersey almost all of my life, and had no idea that there was such a thing as the "New Jersey Hall Of Fame". In there are such people as Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen, and Yogi Berra. This year's crop includes Jerry Lewis, Bud Abbot, and Carl Lewis. I personally believe that Carl Lewis' music video is what got him nominated:



Anyways, now Shaq is nominated. I remember Shaq thanking the state of New Jersey when his Lakers beat the Nets in the NBA Championship a few weeks back. Shaq getting in the hall would be fantastic as the entry of such a giant opens up the floodgates for someone of my height (6 foot 5 inches) to one day enter the NJ Hall Of Fame. Once I get in, I will celebrate in an over the top fashion during my acceptance speech, like so:



"I have so many people to thank. My parents, my wife, my friends...ah screw it. Let's all get drunk and blow our money in Atlantic City."