Women Fighting Kicks Ass

I'll be honest, there were some actual NBA news stories today...and I had no interest in writing about any of them. Call it getting back into the swing of actual "news" instead of the nonsensical drivel that I love...or perhaps just call it not wanting to report on Baron Davis' weekly injuries. Either way, I just wanted to report on something fun and found this.

This is a tad dated (from July of 2008), but if you are like me you have absolutely no knowledge or interest in the WNBA so this will be new to you. I was talking to one of my friends about how I want to write a "Best NBA Fights" story, and he told me that this one WNBA fight made the participants in NBA fights look like pansies. Apparently all hell broke loose in a game a while back and women were attacking each other with the savagery that can only come from repeated testosterone injections (seriously...LOOK at these "ladies". There is no genetic explanation for looking that muscular.)

Well, taking a look for myself, I have to agree with my friend. These she-devils are simply nuts. My only regret in watching this is that these females were not in any way feminine and were wearing jerseys instead of "I (heart) Black and Blue Jor" g-strings. I really have to get on the ball with mass-marketing those.

Anyhoo, enjoy:

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Suns

With the NBA season coming quick, it's rare lately that you look on the internet and there is zilch.

Today is such a day.

As regular readers of The Howeva Files know, this is not a bad thing as we use this time to take a look at some of the most interesting physics and quantum mathematics equations ever. -By this I mean that we stare at NBA team dancers.

For today's dancers we go to a place that spelling-wise should really be called "Fo-enix"...Phoenix. With Shaq talking a lot, it's been two straight Suns entries in a row for yours truly, something Dan Majerle would appreciate (HIS name sounds nothing like the way it is spelled too!) I have some in-law family that lives in Arizona, and all I keep hearing about is that it is "a dry heat" that permeates the land. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but I can only assume it sucks to be stuck next to a guy with no deoderant there.

Anyways, here are some cheerleaders for you, you silly geese.

Shaq Talks Like A Movie Trailer

Seriously, what are we going to do when Shaq decides to retire? What are we going to do for hilarious, well-crafted quotes in an NBA landscape that is increasingly filled with generic post-game "We did our best against a good team" bullcrap? I have a feeling that it won't be until Shaq retires that we all look at what is left and say, "Wow...where did all of the entertainment go?"

Hold on a sec, let me step down from my soapbox.

Ah, much better.

The reason I'm writing about Shaq today stems from his awesome, Chuck-Norris-esque quotes in regards to the San Antonio Spurs playing "Hack-A-Shaq":

"The only thing I call cowardly is when you're up by 10 and do it," O'Neal told Phoenix radio station KTAR. "That's a coward move, and [Spurs' coach Gregg Popovich] knows that, and I'll make them pay for it."

You can almost picture Shaq saying this, silently walking out of the room, and putting on sunglasses as the building explodes behind him in an orgy of fire. Real people don't talk like this, which makes it all the more rare and fun. I keep waiting for the movie trailer narrator with a deep voice to hop in and say, "Rated R, now playing in select cities". I'd like to think that at some point I too will get the chance to drop badass quotes like Shaq, but instead I will likely continue to make due with my roundhouse kicks to the faces of evildoers.

Byron Scott Rules With An Iron Fist

Taking a break from watching this video, I stumbled across this on Youtube today. It's a videotaped practice of the New Orleans Hornets, if you could actually call it a "practice". Byron Scott watches Peja, Morris Peterson, and James Posey try to make 40/50 three pointers while he laughs and makes fun of them. Byron makes bets with the players and trash talks like a guy playing Halo against his friends.

In my mind, practices for NBA teams were like the basketball practices at my regimented catholic high school: Sprints, running plays, sprints, full-court layup drills, sprints, and then resultant death. Not so much here, as the tone seems to be more like a bunch of guys laughing in a bar. I half expected Chris Paul to pull out a highball glass and a cigar.

I'm not saying any of this is a bad thing. If anything, it makes me want to kick my high school basketball coach in the nuts.

Let The Game Glitches Begin!

Wow, it's been barely a week since NBA 2k9, NBA Live 09, and NBA 09: The Inside were released and already the hilarious problems are popping up with all three. There are few things in this world that I love as much as seeing a bunch basketball players defying the laws of physics in video game form (Note: I love boobies).

Each game specializes in its own breed of crap. Without any further ado, let's take a look at the awards they have each won in their short lifespans.

Best jump ball: NBA 2k7



Best free throws: NBA 09: The Inside



For my favorite, you have to go with the ol' glitch standby, NBA Live.

Best use of GHOSTS! DAMN, DIRTY GHOSTS!: NBA Live 09

On a side note, what kind of name is "NBA 09: The Inside" anyway? Colons in game titles: For Jackasses.

A Friendly Preseason Reminder That Kobe Is A Dick

Watching the Lakers the other night, I almost forgot that Kobe Bryant attempts to insert himself into every situation to satisfy his ego. In between the nonstop "Kobe is great" and "This is Kobe's team" sideline reports, America actually got a breather in the form of a friendly Luke Walton interview.



Ohhhh hey, Kobe. Totally forgot about you for a second. Thanks for reminding us that you are in the same venue as someone being interviewed. You can tell how much Luke Walton just wants to kick Kobe in the nuts with how quickly he dismisses him in the video. It's somewhat comforting to know that you can always depend on things in life, like the sun setting, the sun rising, and Kobe Bryant basically being a jackass to anyone within arms length of him.

Mayyyyyyyybe This Wasn't Such A Good Idea

Alright! First preseason game! A great chance to check out my draft pick Danilo Gallinari!

He can't play because he has a sore back? Oh...Well, alrighty then.

At least I'll get a chance to see if my attempts to whip Eddy Curry into shape will come to fluition!

What? He has a mysterious bacterial infection? What does that even mean? Does he have a cold? Is it lupus?

Well, to hell with them. I'll get to check out some of role players and figure out how to shape the bench on this squad. HERE! WE! GO!

Is this the injury report you're handing to me? Let's see....okay what the HELL. Allan Houston, Jerome James AND Jared Jeffries can't dress tonight? Who do I have to give a rub down to get some personal trainer help around here? I mean sheeeeeeyit!

Mustn't...get...down. This town will swallow you alive if you show that you are upset. Stay strong, D'Antoni. Stay strong. (Looks in a pocket mirror, strokes moustache, and kisses at the reflection). There, all better.

Let's go team! Game time! ...God help us all.

(The Knicks lose to the Raptors. Chris Duhon, the Knicks' highly paid free agent acquisition shoots 1-7, and has 7 turnovers. Chris Bosh goes off for 20 points in 25 minutes. Mike D'Antoni spends the night of his first preseason game as Knicks coach with his wife, staring at the ceiling and wondering if he can somehow gracefully bow out of this job and enter the world of high-stakes popcorn sales)

Game Informer Says: NBA Live 09 Better Than NBA 09: The Inside

Wow...that might be the most boring title I've ever used. I have a bad taste in my mouth after that. For shame, Jordan...for shame.

Anyhoo, both NBA 09: The Inside and NBA Live 09 were released today amid almost no fanfare. We have our first real look into a side by side comparison, coming from game informer. How'd they stack up? Read below, you misfit!

Game Informer Sez:

NBA Live 09

Score: 78

"NBA Live 09’s gameplay improvements make this the best game in the series. If more care would have been taken to the new modes, it might have unseated the 2K franchise."

NBA 09: The Inside
Score: 65

"With gliding players prone to stepping out of bounds, animations that lock you out of reactionary movement, and lackluster commentary, the on-court action offers a similar dose of mediocrity as years past. The low post game is a mess, the strategy suffers from simplicity, and the defensive system lacks the sophistication (and usefulness) of its competition."

Wow. If I were an NBA 09: The Inside programmer I would either be putting a hit on Game Informer writers or jumping out of a window (and NOT using the bodies of Wall Street employees that have already jumped out as a spongy pillow). Round 1 goes to NBA Live.

Alright, we'll take a break from this until some more reviews come in so this doesn't become misconstrued as a video game site. There is nothing I hate more than nerds, except maybe self-righteous video game nerds.

Previewing...The Preview Of NBA Live 09 VS NBA 09 The Inside

Tomorrow is the day that this upcoming year's NBA video game titles drop. As I've mentioned in previous columns, I'm an avid PSP player so this unfortunately leaves me unable to get the superior 2K franchise games.

So what are they saying so far?
-----------------
NBA Live 09

Play UK
"It's a real step-up from last year's version of NBA Live, which felt stilted and robotic by comparison." (Translation: Gameplay seems better)

Playstation: The Official Magazine (US)
"But small gripes aside, NBA Live 09 delivers some great basketball and will please most PS3-owning basketball fans." (Translation: I don't own a PS3...so does that mean all I am left with is the small gripes?)

PSM3 Magazine UK
The actual gameplay is still awkward and slow next to the flowing brilliance of "2K." (Translation: Well, I knew this. Still, sucks to see it year after year).

Playstation Official Magazine UK
Measured against the rest of EA's high quality pro sports line-up, NBA 09 looks and plays a distinctly amateur game of B-Ball. (Translation: You're playing something the interns whipped up while the rest of the company literally killed chickens in ritualistic sacrifice to ensure Madden 09 would be good).

NBA 09 The Inside

Hardcore Gamer Magazine
Where NBA 09: The Inside shines is in its library of mini-games, more than making up for the lackluster core gameplay. (Translation: This is last year's game repackaged, but with better random mini-games and probably crappier actual basketball)
------------------

Where does that leave me? No idea yet, but I'll make my decision soon. The replay-ability of The Inside calls to me for the second straight year, but I am tempted to go with NBA Live simply because it represents the great unknown which I have never experienced. Either way, I'll probably regret my purchase and still spend 80+ hours on the subway for Hedo Turkoglu to make a damn 3 pointer. Stay tuned!

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Bobcats

It's Friday! It's Friday! It's Friday! It's...well, it's about 11:12 on a Thursday as I write this...but, screw it! It's Friday!

The only news today is that Rip Hamilton said sleepy dwarf did a bad job at coaching, and spending longer than a sentence writing about that would have driven me into a sleepy dwarf-esque coma. Thus, 'tis time to check out some cheerleaders.

This week we go to North Carolina, home of the Bobcats. I have some friends in the Carolinas, and they all say the same thing: "We love the Panthers! The, uh, Bobcats haven't really caught on so much..." This is quite odd given the fact that they wear the commercially friendly 'highway construction worker orange' and have some sort of bizarre Fraggle Rock character as a logo. Ah, enough beating up on the poor Bobcats. Their cheerleaders demand your attention! Have a good weekend everybody.