Knicks Sign God Shamgod Just To Screw With Marbury Some More

The ongoing soap opera that is the New York Knicks just got steamier as the franchise has doubled its efforts to make their head-tattooing, hometown hero and former all-star point guard, Stephon Marbury, bat-shit crazy by signing God Shamgod.

COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HOOOAH, Knicks president Donnie Walsh explained at a press conference while spitting out a tobacco-ravaged lung on the podium.

Marbury's agent later read a statement explaining that his client despite this latest setback continues to stand by his claim on Mike'd Up that he'll average "like 10 points. Like 12-13 dimes. Like 2-3 assists but he shoots to win because he shoots to win. Kudos to Isiah Thomas!"

How To Crapify Your Teams 101

Unless you are hiding under a rock (my apologies to Malcolm X, whom plymouth rock landed upon), you've heard that the Pistons and Nuggets struck a deal today. Yeppers, Allen Iverson is going to Detroit in exchange for Chauncey Billups, Antonio McDyess, and prospect Cheikh Samb. On a side note, Cheikh Samb is totally what I'm naming my first born child.

A lot of people are scratching their heads at this trade, wondering exactly how it will benefit either squad. Tonight, The Howeva Files proudly grades this trade by explaining precisely how it will help both teams: It won't.

Denver Nuggets grade: D

Despite getting some depth here in McDyess, the Nuggets just gave away their top scorer. Billups is great for assists, but who will Melo look to to bail his ass out points-wise when he decides to start clunking bricks off of the backboard? Better start lifting some weights, Anthony Carter.

To make matters worse, Denver fans are really losing faith in this Nuggets team and taking away the star power of Iverson in exchange for two lesser knowns will hit the ticket office. -Not at first, but eventually. Cue George Karl wearing a midriff with a blonde wig to get some publicity.

Detroit Pistons grade: F

I reeeeeeeally have to apologize in advance for this easy analogy, but like a car the Pistons have operated the past few years as a fine oiled machine. Every player fills his niche, which powers the engine to keep pounding out wins. Now they have disrupted the whole thing by chucking a big scorer on a team that spreads the wealth and prides itself on playing turnover-free basketball. You can almost see Flip Saunders laughing and blowing cigar smoke rings in the air between shifts of cleaning the aisles in a movie theater.

To make matters worse, McDyess is one of those guys who quietly contributes when you need him to. You can't have too many bench guys like that, and that will be felt when Rasheed decides to start bashing skulls when his adrenaline runs wild in the playoffs. You could tell that Joe Dumars was feeling some pressure to shake things up, and this was his best option. He should just thank his lucky stars no one had Stephon Marbury in any sort of deal or we'd have Skip Bayless trying to defend the poop end of THAT deal.

Both teams will make the playoffs, and like most teams that shake things up they both will experience success early, but over time this deal will find a way to make solid (or in the case of Denver- shaky) formulas worse. I just hope I'm there when Sheed realizes this and tears Iverson's head from his body. -If for nothing else to hear Marv Albert wax nostalgic about his bedroom proclivities.

All Hallows Eve....Uh, Eve...YAO STYLE

I'm a HUGE halloween dork, so I'm getting my outfit together for what should be a completely bezerk costume. I'm going to be an enormous toucan in a sailor outfit. The TV animation company I work for named a character after me that is a baby toucan, so it's not COMPLETELY random. Insert gay sailor/bird joke here.

Anyhoo, with me preparing like a madman, I sadly don't have much time to write tonight, so let's just take a look at my favorite play from the first full night of NBA action: Yao Ming showing the rest of the league that the Rockets may actually catch a lucky break or two this year



Happy soon-to-be-halloween, kiddies.

Poppovich Rocks

I wrote previously about Shaq badmouthing the Spurs and their Greek God-bearded coach for playing "Hack-A-Shaq" and hitting him throughout the game. Moments into the Spurs-Suns game, this happened. I LOVE Poppovich.

New Look Clippers Dazzle

I hate boring, annoying sports article titles like the one above, so that's why I chose to sarcastically use it to describe the Clippers' bitch-slapping by the Lakers tonight.

At the time of me writing this, it's 101-68 Lakers. By clicking on this link, you'll be able to see the final score, which will have the Lakers beating the Clips somewhere in the neighborhood of 200-70. I think it is fair to say, after watching this team tonight, that the Clippers are doomed for another season of mediocrity. Any team that hinges its success on the health of Baron Davis is pretty much screwed, and with Marcus Camby out another injury means them possibly scoring negative points.

I'm not one to talk, with my Magic losing to the Hawks tonight by 14, but having watched all of the teams closely thus far this season the Clippers win my "Craptacular start to the season award".

Nothing Says "NBA Opening Night" Like Some HOT MILWAUKEE BUCKS ACTION!

The NBA began games tonight with the usual band of playoff and ratings-centric teams:

-The Celtics, America's "Hey you can bandwagon Boston basketball too!" team

-The Cavs, a team no one will care about once Lebron leaves...but everyone loves now. Jot down these fans' names now and see who they're rooting for in 7 years.

-The Bulls, a team with the #1 overall pick in Derrick "Poodini" Rose.

-The Blazers, otherwise known as the squad of players who should all be gelling and getting a championship together any day now...yup, any day now.

-The Lakers, everyone in the world's pick for 2008-2009 champion. It's all about the Radmanovic.

Somewhere lost in this bombastic group is the Milwaukee Bucks. They have Richard Jefferson now! Let's see what Luke Ridnour does! Lets...man, I can't even continue. You know all you're going to do is stare at Charlie Villanueva's Young Frankenstein-esque brow and try to say "Luc Richard Mbah A Moute" three times fast. On the bright side, they are playing the Bulls, who might need some time to get used to Derrick Rose and...actually, wow, they already lost.

I envision David Stern shooting an angry look across a conference table, and an executive stammering out, "I-I thought the Bucks would be a good idea! Get some of that Packers fanbase into the NBA!" before getting dumped out of his chair into a pit of fire like in Austin Powers.

Every So Often Politics Interest Me

In choosing a presidential candidate, I look for a few things:

1) Which has the best set of teeth? (Advantage: Obama)

2) Who, if I were to ask, "Could you do me a favor? When you're at the supermarket, pick me up some beef jerky?"...would be a pal and do it? (Advantage: McCain)

3) Who doesn't smell like old cats? (Advantage: Obama)

4) Who wouldn't look at me smugly when I spoke with them, all the time thinking, "I have WAY more money than this guy". Note: They only think they do. (Advantage: Neither)

5) Who has lived a crazy life that was more like a chapter from Motley Crue's biography The Dirt than reality? (Advantage: McCain)

One thing I didn't take into account on previous elections was ability to ball on the court. In this case, Obama might be very well getting my vote. Before you start claiming I'm a New Yorker, so Obama is going to win my damn state so my vote doesn't matter (you are right...it's actually rather pointless to vote this time around), let me tell you about the abilities of Obama on the court: Apparently he is so badass that he has no problem trash talking to NBA players. According to overpaid Knicks player (there is a phrase you hear every two seconds) Chris Duhon:

He would say " 'You can't guard me!' Just random talk," Duhon added. "He knows the game. He's like a point guard out there, and so he's always telling guys where to go, what to do, very vocal."

This is an awesome mental image. Not only the fact that we have a presidential candidate that can play basketball well, but also the fact that he appears to have the knowledge necessary to treat the Knicks like the joke they are. That might have sounded a little harsh, but these are harsh times, sister.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Nets

Slow news day. Cheerleader time.

I grew up in New Jersey (Flashes Hackettstown Gang Sign, which resembles a man tipping over a cow), so I have a soft spot in my heart for the Nets. That soft spot is held primarily by the pity I felt for them growing up as I would walk by their merchandise shops and see the jerseys of their "stars" belonged to Derrick Coleman and Yinka Dare. Eesh.

What they don't have in consistently entertaining basketball, the Nets make up for in dancers. Every dancer in the tri-state area that was unwilling to sleep with Isiah Thomas or scarf down philly cheesesteaks with Andy Reid-esque fat guys got booted to New Jersey, so many fans are treated to some great cheerleaders. Sure, they may be terrorized by an A.D.D. patient in Vince Carter, but that is a small price to pay to not have Stephon Marbury offering you tours of the inside of his car.

Yet Another Great Year Awaits You, Bobcats Fans!

Looking at the Charlotte Bobcats this season, one thing is evident: Sarah Palin will undoubtedly cost John McCain this election.

Crap, I have to stop watching CNN while I type. What I meant to say is that it is evident that this is going to be another looooooong season for the Bobcats and their fans. They are a whopping 0-7 in preseason play, and while I admit that preseason games don't matter that much, at least it is a good barometer for the all around abilities on a team.

This is odd, as the Bobcats have a good amount of talent on their team. You think of names like Okafor, Gerald Wallace, Jason Richardson, Raymond Felton and Sean May and it seems odd that this team can't pull it together. Then reality sets in. You realize that the team is run by Michael "Air/Drive your franchise into the ground" Jordan, has people like Nazr "19 pump fakes per shot" Mohammed in the starting lineup, drafted Adam Morrison (who isn't even LISTED on the team's depth chart on Yahoo!...thanks Larry Brown!), and considers Matt Carroll a KEY part of the team, and you see where it falls apart.

There is only one more shot for this Bobcats team to win this preseason: Thursday against the Lakers. We will be watching that game closely. I can't think of a more demoralizing thing than going winless in the preseason, short of talking nonstop of your children while you cost John McCain the damn election...CRAP! I have to change the channel.

This "Rose" Kid Apparently Is Pretty Good...Wait, What's That On His Arm?

Tonight Derrick Rose played some substantial minutes, 37 to be exact, and put up some quality numbers: 30 points on 13-18 shooting and 7 assists. This helped the Bulls beat the Mavericks, a team that you just look at now and shake your head with pity. Seriously, I am not quite sure whether to have a sit-down meeting with every Mavericks fan reading this and say, "I'm sorry...you had your shot. It's time to invest all of your effort into the Cowboys and Stars for a while until this roster is gutted. Now go to the bar and have some shots with JR Ewing."

This begs the question, what is the source of Derrick Rose's strength? Athletic ability? Steroids? Bud Light Lime? No, dear reader, I believe that Derrick Rose has made a deal with a powerful sorcerer named "Poodini". How else do you explain this tattoo he has?

While this is a bizarre tattoo, I firmly believe that "Poodini" is a FANTASTIC name for a plumber. If you are in the bathroom, your toilet clogs, and you look down at the mess and say to yourself, "Wow...I wish there was somebody who could come here and just make this whole mess disappear!" Now you know who you are going to call: Derrick Rose.