Are You A Kings Fan? Do You Like Boobies? We Have The Night For You!

The Sacramento Kings have been craptacular this season, and the NBA has been having attendance problems, so you knew they would start getting pretty creative with their advertising. This is my favorite campaign of the season so far:



Apparently there is basketball being played too, but ah who cares. Bonus points to the Kings for that incredibly crude outline of a girl next to a hot dog. It's almost as if Vegas tycoons with loose moral fiber own this team or something!

R.I.P Sam Mitchell, We Hardly Knew Ye

I knew as soon as you won coach of the year in the 07-08 season that the writing was on the wall, so I wish the best for now-fired coach Sam Mitchell. You may have elevated a crappy Toronto franchise named after a Jurassic Park-inspired character to heights previously unheard-of, but you could not do better than the Celts and Nets this season (thus far). In the end, each of us is left with two things: Our name, and our fly dance moves. Sam Mitchell, indulge us, will you?

OK...Now What?

So the much-talked about meeting to settle the Stephon Marbury drama ended up being a complete dud, lasting only 15 minutes until Marbury left. My inside source (my imagination) report it went down like this:

Walsh: Steph, I've thought long and hard about your circumstance on this team and we're willing to make you a buy-out offer. Would you care to hear it?
Marbury: (fingers in ears) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Also according to my source, Megan Fox wants to ride shotgun on my Pegasus to my fortress on the moon to be my moon-slave. He's always on target that source!

Devin Harris And I Think Alike

Devin Harris, otherwise known in THF circles as That Cosby Kid, took a splash out of bounds in the Lakers game the other day. I was watching this game and totally didn't notice the best part of it at first. Rewinding my DVR helped erase the happy confusion of why the cameraman kept showing the Lakers cheerleaders:



Gotta love it. The amazing thing is that although Devin Harris has rather large teeth and ears that would allow him to fly away were you to put a feather in his trunk, you KNOW he is such a pimp inside that he could probably pick up any one of those lovely ladies. That is the very definition of badass.

After this comedic display, it matters not that the Lakers outscored the Nets by 27 points. 'Twas Devin Harris that won this game.

Happy Thanksgiving Hangover Day!

We here at THF hope that you and your family had a very Happy Thanksgiving.  We, obviously, took the day off to focus on giblets and why they are so damn horrendous looking.  Most people had the day off, including (to no one's surprise) this guy, so if you worked over the holiday our hearts go out to you.  You are probably breaking into your boss' car to fill it with giblets right now.

Alright, enough of pilgrims, turkeys, and hats with buckles on them (still waiting for this puritan fashion statement to come back).  Let's all take a deep breath and get ready for the real holiday season to begin:

Three thoughts: 1) I don't know what "Jingle Bell Swings" are, but I want at least two of them. 2) Mutombo's voice appears to have actually just been dubbed with the sound of a coffee bean grinder on "high" setting. 3) You can tell they chucked Luis Scola out there, had him speak, and then ran him back to his trailer while saying, "He said a sentence or two, now get him offscreen! He'll scare the children!"

Lebron James Will Make Sweet Love To You

Below is Lebron's newest Nike commercial, which is approximately 3 minutes too long for a commercial.  Still, it's pretty funny to see a superstar acting like something Billy Dee Williams would hang out with.  Note to self: Get one of those fireplaces that switches on that quickly...bringing lumber in from a shed ruins the mood.

I am a happily married man, but WOW what a wise casting choice for the "hot girl" in this video.  You can tell even Lebron is shocked and awed by how good looking she is.  If I were the Knicks, to get Lebron I would tell him "We can get you 10 lookalikes of the girl in that video you were in.  We can also make everything else in that commercial you were in come true, including creating a time machine to put you in the 70's."

Scott Brooks: Your New Skipper Of The Titanic!

The mulleted piece of man-meat pictured above is Scott Brooks, and he has just been named the new interim coach of the Oklahoma City Thunder (Kapowww). I honestly had no knowledge of Scott Brooks coming into today, which is somewhat odd as I pride myself on being a veritable encyclopedia of mulleted sports players past and present. Looking at Scott Brooks' wikipedia page doesn't reveal much either, other than the fact that in addition to the NBA he played in the CBA and the WBL (two little-known basketball leagues that nevertheless completely trump the WNBA in terms of legitimacy).

One thing that does stand out is that the CBA team he played for was named "The Albany Patroons". A "patroon" is defined as "A landholder in New Netherland who, under Dutch colonial rule, was granted proprietary and manorial rights to a large tract of land in". -The other definition is "A ship captain"...so yeah...take from that what you will. (Walks away as "The More You Know" jingle plays)

No Gimmick Is Too Crappy For The Suns

Last year, the Suns treated us to a completely ridiculous multimedia website, which I've detailed here. If completely crazy computer effects are any indication, Steve Kerr and company have not let the 08-09 season go by without flushing tons of money down the toilet in self-promotion.

This year the Suns are going with a "Planet Orange" campaign, which doesn't really make much sense to me and sorta sounds like a new Mountain Dew flavor. This comes complete with a completely silly, but nontheless entertaining video


This begs the question: How was this video pitched to Grant Hill? I can only hope it sounded like this:

Suns executive: "So just to recap, Barbosa will be made to look like the roadrunner, Shaq will do a Godzilla yell, and Nash will play with the basketball like a soccer ball. We'll even give useless Diaw some fire or something."

Hill: "What am I going to do?"

Suns executive: "You're going to run up a mountain, dressed like a dragon with a flamethrower attached to your face. We'll then need you to flex at the camera and do pelvic thrusts."

Hill: "Bullshit. I'll dunk for you and that's it." (Walks out of the room, shoving Steve Kerr as he does so.)

Stephen Jackson Is The Best

Stephen Jackson is one of my favorite players in the NBA. I don't find it particularly interesting to watch him play, and it isn't like he can lift a team with his spirit like Lebron or Chris Paul. I like Stephen Jackson because anytime you hear his name it is usually followed by something completely crazy and memorable.

Take his latest diatribe about how Rip Hamilton is weak. He doesn't necessarily attack Hamilton's game or his personality, but strikes him where it hurts most: His mask!

When Jackson was asked if he would wear anything protective after getting poked in the eye recently, he responded in typical amazing Stephen Jackson-esque fashion:

"No goggles. No, no, no. Never. I'm not going to be like Rip Hamilton, where my nose is broken eight years ago and I still wear a mask," said Jackson. "The only way I'll wear a patch is if my eye's closed. I'd rather stay with Captain Jack, not Pirate Jack."

Amazing. I want the last sentence on a corporate-style motivational poster. I give it a week or less before Captain Morgan finds a way to capitalize on this.

Colin Cowherd: THF Superfriend #2

This is Anubis Taylor and ESPN Radio's Colin Cowherd after what looks like a hard night of drinking, for Taylor especially (which it was). Whether or not his show is entertaining (it is) or you need a lobotomy to remove the part of your brain that repeats Cowherd saying Vizio over and over again in your head (I do), he is awesome for one thing above all else:

(Quote) Stephen A is a cool guy.

Nothing more needs to be said (Drop mic and exit stage right).