Happy Festivus From The Howeva Files

There honestly is no telling when the booze will kick in (we've been downing egg nog since December 1st nonstop), so we'll take some time on the eve of Christmas Eve to wish you and your families a very happy holiday. It's that special time of year when you can give gag reindeer poo to your friends, curse loudly when that one irritating Christmas song you can't stand comes on for the 4,000th time (for me it's that John Mellencamp version of the 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' song...please someone just shoot me in the face when that harmonica starts playing) and most importantly your vomit will taste abundantly of nutmeg. Do us a favor and hold some missletoe above the person you love the most/you're stalking, because life is short and that cozy fireplace means it's baby-making time.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

"When You Steps The Lights Goes On"

In the spirit of Christmas, I've been looking up what a lot of team websites have been doing for the holiday. The Bulls seem to be tossing videos all over the web related to what their players are up to. Most recently, I caught this video of robot-talking snoozer Derrick "Poodini" Rose and mushmouth Luol Deng discussing Christmas. My favorite line is probably Deng describing the best gift he ever received, which was a pair of shoes that "when you steps the lights goes on".



The most interesting thing is the long, looooooooooong pauses when the reporter asks them what they'd like for Christmas this year...followed by both of them saying they have purchased anything they already wanted for themselves. If I were a criminal, I would have stopped whatever I was doing (probably making explosive ships-in-a-bottle to go along with my "The Sailor" archvillain name) and would immediately rob these guys. There has to be SOMETHING you don't have Luol and Derrick! This year, for instance, I am asking for a private jet, Megan Fox, and Spencer Pratt's head on a platter.

As We Approach The XMas Break...

- Summer 2010 is still the biggest story. We could very well have flying cars, the cure for cancer and an Oscar award-winning Kevin Federline, but I'm pretty sure what we'll still be talking about in 2010 is who will LeBron sign with. Considering his posturing as a native New Yorker despite his team's legitimate chance for a championship, it's understandable if LeBron James doesn't have his mind made up, but shut up and stop giving false hope to Cavs fans.

- Yi is a geezer. I'm not one to say he's old, but Yi talks about what was wrong with the Ford administration, has it written in his contract that he should be in bed by 8, starts conversations about friends who just died, and needs his oatmeal pre-chewed.

Barkley Has Cat-Like Reflexes

I find most studio sports shows to be boring and filled with over-the-top fake laughs at stupid things. For example: Everything Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw have ever joked about and/or laughed at is not funny. See? Can't disagree with that.

That being said, the TNT show with Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, and Charles Barkley stands out like a beautiful mirage in the middle of a desert of Shannon Sharpe-led retardation*. The show is funny, and they all actually talk like a bunch of guys sitting around a bar (i.e. they actual are entertaining). Staying topical, here is how they talk about what's going on with President Bush lately:

Gotta love em'.

*While we are talking about sports talking heads that are tough to stomach, I will state for the record that Phil Simms' NFL commentary is just awful. I loved him as a player (him and Marino were my favorites growing up), but the way he shouts every single word with a weird-ass southern accent really gets under your skin after 5 seconds. The accent oddly only seems to affect words with an "i" in them. Example:

Jim Nantz: "Well, here we are at the Meadowlands. The Jets look ready to play, Phil!

Phil Simms: "YOU'RE RIGHT THERE, JEEEM! LOOK AT FAVRE THROWING OUT THERE! YOU CAN TELL THAT TEAM IS BEHIND HEEEM!"

Listen for it this Sunday and you too can hate Phil Simms' commentary as much as me. Yay!

Starbury Contines To Mind-F**k Mike D'Antoni And The Knicks

Lest you forgot, the banished Stephon Marbury is still getting paid over $21 million by the New York Knicks despite the fact he has not worked for a cent of it. And just to rub it in, Marbury decided to get a courtside seat to see his "teammates" play the Lakers the other night in LA. Here's some quotes followed by a translation of what they REALLY meant to say.

Coach Mike D'Antoni: "That's fine. About 19,000 people are going to be there tonight, so if he wants to see a good game, that's great."
TRANSLATION: WTF!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! F**K THIS MOTHERF**KER AND HIS F**KING STUPID TATTOOED HEAD!


Knicks Forward Quentin Richardson: "My thing is, we were here playing the Lakers. I guess he was a face in the crowd. I didn't know he was there."
TRANSLATION: He kept heckling me about Brandy.


Richardson: "I hope he enjoyed it. It was a good game."
TRANSLATION: When can I start making that kind of money without playing?


Marbury: "All I've got to do is get free. Once I get free, the team I'm going to go to, I think a lot of people will be shocked."
TRANSLATION: I am going to form a barnstorming team of exiled players including Darius Miles and JR Rider. If that doesn't work, I think I'm still eligible to get some run at Lincoln High!

KG Has A Potty Mouth

We all know Kevin Garnett has the intensity of roughly 47 Peyton Mannings, but it's rare that we get a glimpse of the insanity that takes him over during games. Sorry, did I say his intensity was rare? I meant to say "omnipresent".

Here is a typical moment when the ball winds up in his teammate's hands while his teammate is accidentally out of bounds.



After the F Bomb, you could practically see the director in the booth saying, "Oh No!. We had the mikes near KG again! Quick! Go to something completely boring. Carlos Boozer on the sidelines in a suit! Stat!"

I kinda want to make a talking KG action figure that is all curse words and him saying, "You all KNOW Lebron took that chalk dust introduction thing from me, right?"

Cheeks And Balances...Awful Title Pun To Say Mo Has Been Fired

Our favorite pornstar-named coach Mo Cheeks just got the can by the 76ers. The Sixers are currently 9-14 after having a fantastic surprise season last year. After starting out 7-6, the team has lost 8 of their last 10 and Andre Iguodala has openly questioned the team's heart in conversations with reporters.  When you get that whole "heart" thing from one of your star players, you might as well just pack up your stuff and start hitting on your secretary with the big cans, because you are outta there.

While I never really had strong feelings about Cheeks as a coach, I have to go back to that cringe-worthy moment when he helped that girl finish the national anthem and say that he seems like a nice guy.  You can kill off hookers left and right and set fire to orphanages, but as long as you help girls finish the anthem you are aces in my book.

This is the fourth NBA head coach let go this season, which officially makes it an epidemic.  I am tossing my name into the fold as a head coaching option for the teams out there.  My coaching style is like Mike Singletary, but with wayyyyyyy more mooning.

Before You Go, Could You Explain This?

Because of the same heart condition that took the lives of Reggie Lewis and Hank Gathers, veteran guard Cuttino Mobley retired yesterday. The condition, hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, was discovered during a physical after Cuttino was traded to the Knicks from the Clippers. Although my statistician decided to take a 3-day weekend, I can say that this is the first time this century that someone is thankful to have been traded to the Knicks. The Howeva Files wishes him good health and success in his next stage of his life.

That being said, we still need an explaination for this:

Well, THAT Was Quick

As you can see from my previous post, it was only a matter of time before Larry Brown weighed in on the shitstorm known as the Bobcats and alienated his players further.

Check out his reaction to the trade with Phoenix below. Between saddened tone and mentioning TWICE that unlike his team at least the Suns have a chance at doing something this season, you can see just how happy he is. My favorite is that he actually says that it will be a shock to Boris and Raja when they come to the Bobcats and see just how far they've fallen.

Just inspires you to play some great basketball for him, doesn't it Bobcats?

Trade Review: J-Rich For Clothesline McGee and "The Boris Diaw Face"

Today J-Rich got traded to the Suns in exchange for Raja Bell and Boris Diaw...two folks that are now weeping as they accept their silly cartoon jerseys and ticket to one of the bottomfeeders of the NBA. As THF typically does when a trade goes down, I'll play teacher and see how to grade the the badass mofo GMs in this trade.

Phoenix Suns: B+ Let me just start off by saying this: I do not think Steve Kerr is a good GM. He totally bungled that Shaq trade, even with Marion being angry, giving up power and electricity for a center whose best days were behind him. Then he thought Grant Hill would be a good choice as starter (I am a Magic fan, so I can tell you that was NOT a good idea, Steve). Then, after he learned Grant Hill wasn't a good choice at starter, he got Matt Barnes and thought he would suddenly explode as a solid scoring option. -All this being said, I think he actually made a good deal here. This can only lead me to one conclusion: Jason Richardson surely has a lingering injury that will immediatlely render him useless to the Suns. It's the only way this makes any sense to me. Still, for the time being I have to give Steve an "atta-boy" and a pat on the rear.

Charlotte Bobcats: D- The Bobcats traded away one of their best players for...a 32-year old guy who serves mainly as a utility player and a hit-or-miss Frenchman who is currently on the bench. Yeah, sounds about right for the Bobcats. I'd feel bad for fans in North Carolina if any of them actually liked this team. The real question is when Larry Brown will start alienating this team, calling them worthless and laughing when they talk about winning. I give it 4 months before Raja's first clothesline to Brown's neck. Bonus points mark this one up from an "F' simply for employing the services of the "Boris Diaw Face" (seen in photo at right), which is a team profile picture that says without words and hilarious bedroom eyes, "Suck my ****".

Congrats to both teams on the trade. Fans of ugly orange jerseys rejoice.
- Black and Blue Jor
*************************************************************************************

LET'S MAKE A DEAL
Yes Bobcat fans, your team can get worse. You've traded away an athletic scorer for a guy with a track record for clotheslines and a pear-shaped frog who once said, "I don't date American women. I have them." But hey, Bell is a Coach Brown type of guy and so is...oh wait, Diaw will be suicidal come New Year's.

As for Phoenix, this will likely accomplish nothing, but now they can argue that they have three (and when Shaq plays, three and a half) stars. At this point Bell is no longer the defender he's touted as, but after watching last night's game versus the Lakers I'm ready to bury all of Terry Porter's defensive philosophies.


THIS JUST IN!
Hall of Fame coach, fitness buff and known steroid abuser, Chuck Daly, smashed a fan's camera on a golf course. Pray to God that you never cross paths with this mentally unbalanced lunatic!

- Anubis Taylor

Kevin McHale Goes Isiah On The T-Wolves...Local Papers Begin Preparing Their Sexual Harrassment and Drug Overdose Stories

Serving as evidence to the long-term effects of pressure put on the genitals by short shorts of the 1980's, Kevin McHale stepped down from his cushy front office position for the Minnesota Timberwolves to coach the 4-15 squad.

That's right, he's pulling an Isiah Thomas.

I can't wait until Sebastian Telfair gives his best Starbury impression on the Minneapolis version of Mike'd Up!

THF Goes To Miami For The Weekend: Finds Nothing Basketball-Related Going On

To take a brief respite from the news and talk about my own self: This past weekend I went to the city of Miami for the first time to check out "Miami Basil", which is (in non-pretentous speak) an enormous art fair with thousands of the top art galleries in the world presenting their work.



While this was all fancy and whatnot, the biggest thing for me was loading up on Miami Dolphins gear since I've been a Dolphins fan forever and can't score any aqua and/or orange swag above the Mason-Dixon line. I also just wanted to see how much Miami Heat stuff I could find since they won the championship not too long ago. As you can see, when it comes to worthwhile ways to spend money I am the equivalent of a drunk Charles Barkely in a casino.

Anyhoo, the big surprise to me was that I couldn't find any Heat or Dolphins stuff in the city of Miami!

I thought it was just that I wasn't looking in the right place, but then I went to the huge Lincoln Mall and also combed around several shopping areas in Miami Beach and Miami proper and came up with nothing but Camo-colored Marlins baseball caps. This is a shame of epic proportions to me as a Dolphins fan and those people who like the Heat. I went home to New York City with a cheap-looking Miami Dolphins hat, which was the only thing I could find at the airport in the "clearance" aisle...oh, yeah and I also purchased a very expensive piece of art from a gallery (this is less important on many levels).

While in the end I found a single Dolphins hat, I found NO Heat stuff whatsoever. -Not even an indication that they played in the city. I know they were bad last year, but this was still surprising.

Maybe this video below has something to do with it. Barak Obama does the unthinkable and becomes the first African-American president, uniting much of the country and bringing the prospect of hope in rather scary economic times. What does that result in? You guessed it, Dwayne Wade saying that if Obama gives some little kid an interview, that Wade would actually let Obama play against him.




My new opinion is that it's stuff like this that caused Obama to make his first secret act in office to be finding and burning all Miami Heat merchandise. I know, I know that the video is supposed to be cute, but if I were Obama I would watch this and say, "What a completely cocky piece of poop. I killed myself to get elected. One I get those secret service guys, I'm using them to force Dwayne Wade to lick my boot."

Are You A Kings Fan? Do You Like Boobies? We Have The Night For You!

The Sacramento Kings have been craptacular this season, and the NBA has been having attendance problems, so you knew they would start getting pretty creative with their advertising. This is my favorite campaign of the season so far:



Apparently there is basketball being played too, but ah who cares. Bonus points to the Kings for that incredibly crude outline of a girl next to a hot dog. It's almost as if Vegas tycoons with loose moral fiber own this team or something!

R.I.P Sam Mitchell, We Hardly Knew Ye

I knew as soon as you won coach of the year in the 07-08 season that the writing was on the wall, so I wish the best for now-fired coach Sam Mitchell. You may have elevated a crappy Toronto franchise named after a Jurassic Park-inspired character to heights previously unheard-of, but you could not do better than the Celts and Nets this season (thus far). In the end, each of us is left with two things: Our name, and our fly dance moves. Sam Mitchell, indulge us, will you?

OK...Now What?

So the much-talked about meeting to settle the Stephon Marbury drama ended up being a complete dud, lasting only 15 minutes until Marbury left. My inside source (my imagination) report it went down like this:

Walsh: Steph, I've thought long and hard about your circumstance on this team and we're willing to make you a buy-out offer. Would you care to hear it?
Marbury: (fingers in ears) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Also according to my source, Megan Fox wants to ride shotgun on my Pegasus to my fortress on the moon to be my moon-slave. He's always on target that source!

Devin Harris And I Think Alike

Devin Harris, otherwise known in THF circles as That Cosby Kid, took a splash out of bounds in the Lakers game the other day. I was watching this game and totally didn't notice the best part of it at first. Rewinding my DVR helped erase the happy confusion of why the cameraman kept showing the Lakers cheerleaders:



Gotta love it. The amazing thing is that although Devin Harris has rather large teeth and ears that would allow him to fly away were you to put a feather in his trunk, you KNOW he is such a pimp inside that he could probably pick up any one of those lovely ladies. That is the very definition of badass.

After this comedic display, it matters not that the Lakers outscored the Nets by 27 points. 'Twas Devin Harris that won this game.