Barkley Rolling With The Magic

I haven't been this excited since, oh, let's say 1994.

The Orlando Magic are in the Finals. I feel almost confused on how to react to one of my favorite teams doing this well. Do I flip over a car? Should I throw fireworks off of my balcony at people wearing Cavs jerseys? I have no idea. What I do know is that the Magic will take on Kobe, Pau "Acne Arms" Gasol, and my former Magic boy Trevor Ariza in the NBA Finals.

Once again, out of the four TNT broadcasters, the only person to pick the Magic to win is Charles Barkley. This pleases me immensely because not only has he been right thus far, but he also works with none of the media hype that influences so many people's predictions. One could say he is the most honest-to-a-fault guy on TV. Don't believe me? Here he is from last night's broadcast, willing to say what must be said even at the expense of the censors:



Game 1 is Thursday. Until then, we'll be bathing in the championship game hype. Tonight, however, I bathe in champagne (is THAT what you do when your team does well? Oh I am so very confused.)

You Can't Keep The Clothes On Mo

When I get done with a meeting at work, I like to start stripping on my way back to my desk. First, I take off my shirt and then my pants. It's just what I do, okay? It's been a long day, I had a rough meeting, and it's time for a little naked time.

Mo's with me on this one.

So Whatever Happened on Monday?

By far my favorite parts are Faux Jerry Bus and Faux David Stern.

Refs (heart) Lebron

I'm excited for the Magic-Cavs game tonight, but also not excited at all. Why? The refs have been AWFUL in this series, and tonight is poised to be the crappiest Cavs-loving reffed game of the series. If the Cavs go down 1-3 to the Magic tonight, David Stern will shoot lasers out of his eyes and kill all of the families of the refs.

Don't believe me? Let's check out a delightful video from the previous game in the series, where I watched the refs call multiple fouls on the Magic WITH THEIR BACK TURNED TO THE PLAYER THEY WERE FOULING! In this clip, the Magic fans watch another crummy call and at the 0:45 mark, start an overwhelming chant of "Refs You Suck".



That's a rather complicated chant for a crowd so you knew they all were thinking it.

As I typed that last sentence, a whistle blew on Mickael Pietrus. Must be game time. Sigh...

Happy Memorial Day From THF

It's time to fire up those grills, sit out in the sun, and enjoy what is looking like a beautiful Memorial Day (if you happen to live in the American northeast. Yet another crappy day for you, Londoners!). I'm still beaming over the Magic win last night, and still fuming over that Lebron shot on Friday, but am ready to take a day to sit in the sun and ignore anything that can't be barbecued.

A very happy birthday as well to Anubis Taylor. I am still hungover from his birthday party on Saturday night, and partied hard enough that I don't expect to be back at 100% for another two weeks or so. Well done, my friend.

Enjoy the sunshine, folks. THF will be back tomorrow with hard-hitting basketball drivel you know and love.

Dwight Will Pump (clap) You Up

Everyone's seen Dwight Howard's dunk from last night where he tore the shot clock down, so I won't even bore you with that. What I CAN do is Tony Little your ass into becoming a shot clock-destroying mofo by showing you Dwight Howard's fitness regimine.

First off, we take a look at Dwight, a young Dwight at that, working out with what can only be described as "light weights". You can see that at this point in his career, he is working on improving his flexibility and endurance, rather than punching through skulls for practice as he does later in his career.



I want the job of that guy getting paid to hold the weight on Dwight's back while he does push ups. That guy somehow looks winded doing that.

Fast forward to him now, bench pressing in this next video. He is a monster, capable of destroying small villages. In the video, Dwight must have an absurd amount of weight on that bar because it looks like it is bending like a noodle as he lifts it up. The clip even has tips on how to do Dwight's workout at the end, minus how much he is lifting to avoid copycats who would promptly rip their shoulders out of their sockets.



And just in case you didn't have enough, here is a longer clip of Dwight doing various workouts (seriously, there are like 80 clips on the net of him doing various workouts...this guy is totally hawking Ab Rollers after he retires).



I make the same face when I do crunches.

Woot!

I try as hard as I can to stay impartial on this blog, but lord knows you all know at this point that I am a completely shameless Magic fan. Tonight's win was amazing.



Lord knows I thought the team came out stronger after beating the Lucky Charms crew, but coming back and winning after being down in a 16 point hole? Especially after THIS?!



Simply crazy. I was unable to post my predictions for the Conference finals due to being insanely busy, but before it gets too late here we go:

Cavs in 7

Lakers in 5

You KNOW the NBA wants this matchup and Stern will kill a mofo before his plans are thwarted. Still, a great game for Magic fans everywhere. I need a cold shower.

Oh The Humanity!

Immediate Reactions:
1. Who exactly is the host trying to call out as a former WWE employee? Himself? Ron "Jaws" Jaworski? I want the truth!
2. Vince might need to lay off the root beer candy sticks.
3. At the 2:58 mark I'm pretty sure the ESPN host is saying "oh, God!" What did he think Vince was going to pull out? The severed head of Joey Crawford? Socko? A copy of No Holds Barred?
4. Do not cross McMahon for this very reason: On the way home from the XFL's NY/NJ Hitmen's home opener, all the lights in my car blew as I was passing by the HQ of the WWE in Stamford, CT. Some dark shit is going on over there.
5. And why does McMahon think that "Stan Kroenke" is a punchline just like New Jersey is to Governor Patterson?

Semi-Final Prediction Recap Time!

Unlike ESPN, I am not a fan of throwing predictions out there and then not doing any following up whatsoever. It's only fair to see how THF fared with the previous round of the playoffs, with forecasts both boneheaded AND moronic:

Semi-Final Predictions:

Prediction: Cavs in 5
Prediction: Cavs in 4
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: Lebron and the Cavs came out and made the Hawks look even worse than they did against the Heat in round 1. Honestly, did any team look worse in the playoffs this year than Atlanta? Pee-ew. It's 50/50 on whether the Cavs have actually been practicing the past week, or just coming up with new dance moves and intros.


Prediction: Magic in 6
Prediction: Magic in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Magic looked like the better team all series, but made REALLY stupid decisions on the court and did not shoot well from the 3 point line. Dwight and company were super close to self-destructing, as was my heart after watching them give up 80 point leads at the ends of nearly all of their games. This series took at least 2 years off my life. On a side note, I realized that Stan Van Gundy looks like every cartoon I've seen on the front of a pizza box.


Prediction: Lakers in 5
Prediction: Lakers in 7
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: The Lakers lost two more than I predicted by half-assing it. There really is no other way to put it, ESPECIALLY with TMac and Yao not playing. The Lakers have become the team no one wants to see win it, while Houston and ooogly Luis Scola have become America's darlings. -Well, until Ron-Ron starts tomahawk-chopping people during the regular season next year. You know that playoff intensity will take a while to wear off.


Prediction: Nuggets in 6
Prediction: Nuggets in 5
Heeyyyy, wha happa?: I am very happy to say that I wrote this before the Nuggets played the Mavs: "The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs." Now that everyone and their mother is picking them to possibly upset the Lakers, I can sit back with a shit-eating grin on my face. Still, there seems to be something cosmically off with the idea of a person like George Karl EVER beating a coach like Phil Jackson in anything meaningful. I'm going to have to mull over that one.


And there you have it. I am rather proud of how well the predictions came out with going 4-0. Tomorrow I get back to completely crapping the bed with my idiotic Conference Final Predictions! Until then, keep sucking on those throat losenges, Doc Rivers. Eventually your voice will come back from that gutteral, hoarsey sound it's been the past few weeks.

Tonight Four Teams Decide Their Destiny

Tonight is a HUGE night for the Celtics, Magic, Lakers and Rockets, as two of the four aforementioned teams will be eliminated from the 2009 NBA Playoffs. The Lakers and Magic should win, but the Rockets and Celtics don't seem to have to have that whole "we only win to save face after an embarrasing loss" thing that the Magic and Lakers have.

Yet another year that there is an important series and I am not in the locker room for the pep talk beforehand. This year I would go with a profanity-laden speech as if it were dubbed for network television. It would start out with telling them "This is the most important game of the flippin' season, you pieces of scrap!" and ending simply with, "Go out there and win, mother-truckers."

Ah, who am I kidding? I could never beat this:



It's quite interesting to learn that the snakes are, in fact, monkey-flying and that the plane was available for transport from Monday to Friday (but not on weekends).

Dude...I'm Like Dunking Bro!....Whooaaaa!

If you are a stoner and have any athletic ability, boy do I have the hero you've been looking for:



29 POUNDS of pot?! That is roughly the weight of a medium-sized dog. In fact, I would insist that anyone out there with that much pot go ahead and sculpt it into the shape of a dog. It would help you conceal it since it would resemble a beautiful topiary animal.

Now all we need is to get Mark Blount involved so that The Howeva Files can run a weekly "Most stoned Blount" article. I can dream.

Attention Dwight Howard: The Nickname "Big Baby" Is Already Taken

For once, I'll actually be semi-serious in this post. It's been an incredibly crummy time to be an Orlando Magic fan.

I was heartbroken by the Magic loss last night. Actually, that is a huge understatement. I was devastated. It wasn't just a loss. For me the loss was accompanied by a few horrific realizations:
1) The Celtics have figured out how to beat the Magic, along with the rest of America: Make them take jumpshots the whole game. This is a flaw the Magic seem to be too wussy to overcome.

2) With the Celtics figuring out how to beat the Magic, this series stands a good chance of being over. The Magic squandered a 2-1 lead and now sit on the brink of elimination.

3) Hedo Turkoglu and Marcin Gortat likely won't be with the Magic next year. Right now might be the best shot the team has for a title with contract hell binding the team's future.

4) Dwight Howard's intensity level, and leadership abilities have been zilch. The guy has come as close to being invisible this playoffs as anyone could imagine, and has shown ZERO heart.

As my head was in my hands, Dwight Howard said this:



I could not believe what I was hearing. Did he not HEAR my #4 point? Dwight Howard, the same guy who was COMPLETELY shut down by Kendrick Perkins to the point of having to take crazy Ewing hook shots (and missing them BADLY), and has been a virtual mute on the court, is calling out his COACHES and his TEAM for not giving him the ball MORE?!

I nearly pooped myself.

It was as I was staring, wide-eyed at the television that the commercial with Dwight Howard came on. You know the one. He's standing by the sea, talking with Charles Barkley on a cell phone, and is pissing on Sir Charles for injuring the video game likeness of himself. It dawned on me then that this press conference evidenced what we all feared: Dwight Howard has completely lost track of reality. His hype has officially eclipsed his intered in improving his post game and his free throws. The same guy we cheered on as he used the Superman dunk to stardom had taken that cape and flown too close to the sun.

Realizing that my team had a coach that it's players hated, had a core that was about to be shredded with the departure of Turkoglu, had a self-centered superstar who looked past his failing team and only saw his pretty reflection, and a future that was locked into a ton of big contracts, I turned off the television.

At this point, I realized who was going to win the championship this year: The Cleveland Cavaliers. I know you Lakers fans are cocky as hell, but the Cavs have everything the Magic don't right now:

-A coach who the players love and believe in.

-A superstar who makes those around him better.

-A team that is filled with selfless players, including Joe Smith who is playing for the team despite not earning or playing much.

-A team that doesn't let up when they see the finish line approaching.

-A team that supports each other, like when the team rallied around Mo Williams not getting an initial All Star invite.

The Lakers are lacking in the last three categories, which is why I think they'll ultimately fall either in the Finals, or (you heard it here first) I could easily see them losing in 6 to the Nuggets.

Anyhoo, my apologies for the drawn out seriousness of this post. I'll be back to normal tomorrow, after my Orlando Magic grieving subsides.

Kenyon Martin Vs Mark Cuban...How Did We Not See This Coming?

The newest rivalry in the NBA is Mark Cuban against Kenyon Martin in a monstrous war of words. Cuban apparently disrespected Martin by talking trash about Kenyon TO HIS MOM (I had to put that in caps...that is just a no-no). Once Kenyon found this out, he promised retribution and spent the majority of last night shouting horrific things at Cuban and the fans of Dallas.

Here is but a smidgeon of what you could hear if you happened to possess ears:



There are not many things in this life that I enjoy more than watching people curse on live television.

Screw Mark Cuban apologizing on his blog (he did already). I can only hope this battle escalates and we start to hear things from other thugs in the series. JR Smith has such a street mentality that he probably has curse words we've never even heard before. Josh Howard is certifiably insane, so he would have to do something entertaining, like bludgeon a chicken at midcourt. It all would culminate in Dirk Nowitzki's crazy crook girlfriend accidentally being sent to play in one of the games because she has so many aliases. Bring your popcorn if this one goes beyond 5 games!

Big Baby Wins The Game/Sends Message To America's Obese

In case you have avoided all sports media this morning, you missed much discussion of Big Baby's buzzer beater against the Magic to tie the series 2-2.  For me, this was secondary to the message Big Baby sent to America's obese:  I will shove your ass.

After Glen Davis' amazing shot, he celebrated the way a true hero would: by running along the sidelines, cursing loudly about doing horrible things to people's mothers.  While running, Big Baby shoved a fat kid out of the way, and it was this gesture that showed the world how he felt about about the nation's rising weight epidemic.  It was a powerful message, especially coming from a player who weighed roughly 600 lbs coming out of college.  

Someday, when Big Baby is retired and is no doubt hawking some exercise device, this will be the video they show.  He'll say, "It wasn't until I felt the weight of that chubby munchkin, careening off of my body into the stands, that I realized the dark path that obesity can lead one on.  From that moment on I decided to fight back...with the Big Baby Ab Crunch Pro!"  Of course, coming from Big Baby's mouth it'll sound more like "Me Big Baby Happy.  Yaaaaaaay (clapping)"

I would love to interview that fat kid today, just to see if I can set up some sort of celebrity boxing match between him and Big Baby in the future.  Were that to happen, I would die a happy man.

Happy Mother's Day From THF

The Howeva Files wishes you a very Happy Mother's Day. Pay homage to the woman who's privates you emerged from. We already gave yo' momma our mother's day present, if you know what I mean.

Here's a pic of our mother. She's just the sweetest.

Black And Blue Jor's Birthday Message: Kobe Is Above The Law

I have absolutely no idea how Kobe Bryant got away with a fierce elbow to the throat of Ron Artest when Derek Fischer and Skip 2 My Lou each got a game suspension for somewhat comical hits. Sure, we know that the NBA is saying that Kobe's foul was below the shoulders, but David Stern seemed to completely forget that the neck is actually...wait for it...ABOVE THE SHOULDERS! HOLY COW!

Here's a lookee at the foul in question. Ugly:



Had Ron-Ron done this he would have been deported or worse. This just goes to show you how much Mr. Colorado Trial can get away with these days. It's only a matter of time before he just starts tasering people with Rajon Rondo while the NBA turns a blind eye (cue Shane Battier yelling, "Don't tase me bro!").

Today is my birthday, so if you need me I'll be spending my weekend much in the same way that Motley Crue spent the 80s. Mothers lock up your daughters.

There Must Have Been A Spider There

Good Samaritan, Rafer Alston must have noticed a deadly black widow on the back of Eddie House's head tonight immediately after House drained a three in his grill.


If you don't remember, Alston was brought in mid-season by the Magic to fill in for Jameer Nelson who was lost for the year. From Houston, Rafer has brought along his dead-eye shooting (6-22 this series, 0-6 from three) and lock-down defense (Rajon Rondo is averaging a triple-double). Unless Stu Jackson thinks its OK for players to just smack people upside their head we'll be looking at an Orlando team in Game 3 with Anthony Johnson starting at the point and Tyronn Lue coming off the bench.

I'm sorry, but I just threw up in my mouth writing that. I'm done.

Nostradamus, Move Your Ass Over

So far, my semi picks are completely on track, including my "Rockets stealing a game in L.A." one. I'm feeling good...damn good. So, good, in fact, I'll make a few more predictions:

-Big Baby will get at LEAST 1 technical foul in this series, possibly even getting ejected from a game.

-Kobe Bryant will have an injury scare, which will be milked in the media on a slow news day. Kobe will be completely fine. Again, stay the hell away from Lakers press this playoffs. It will only hurt you.

-Birdman will be on a huge number of talk shows after the Nuggets advance to the West Finals. Every single interviewer will talk incessantly about his drug use, forgetting he even plays basketball.

-The Cavs series will have low television ratings due to blowouts. David Stern will whisper to others, "The Hawks will never make the playoffs again under my watch".

-The record will be set for most times a valley girl looks at a TV screen in a crowded bar and says, "Ewwww. Who is THAT guy?" It will be your job to inform her with a short biography of Stan Van Gundy.

Speaking of Magic, I nearly had a heart attack watching Orlando almost blow a 28 point lead last night. The Magic played awful, but good lord those refs want every single game to go into overtime and they'll be DAMNED if they don't.

My blood pressure is rising so I'd prefer to focus on happier times, such as this monster dunk by Dwight. Enjoy*




I apologize to Celtics fans reading this. I have nothing against you, but the playoffs brings a beast from within that makes me root for the Magic like nothing else. I promise I'll love you again if the Magic beat your brains out. Promise!

We Predict Things: Conference Semi-Fiesta!

Despite what ESPN might have you believe, there actually were other games going on in the first round of the NBA playoffs besides the Celtics and Bulls. I will even dare say that the games have been pretty great to watch for teams that weren't named the Heat or Hawks.

So with the games being so much fun so far, let's take a quick gander into the crystal ball at who will win the conference semifinal matchups:

Who: Cavs vs Hawks

Winner: Cavs in 5

Why: After watching the Hawks this past series, I have made the conclusion that Josh Smith is the next coming of Zach Randolph. -An insanely gifted athlete with a head full of rocks. That being said, the Cavs are scary good this year, and seem like they are genuinely having a blast playing. When you're playing a team that is smiling in high pressure games, you know you're screwed. It almost makes you wonder where would this team be without Wally Szczerbiak. Oh, that's right, exactly where they are right now.

Who: Celtics vs. Magic

Winner: Magic in 6

Why: I'm picking the Magic not only am I a retardedly optimistic homer, but the Celtics are playing against Howard with Kendrick Perkins and Mikki Moore. Sure, there will be that game that Howard gets no calls and the refs make it close, but I see many Big Baby-Howard matchups on the horizon and that spells doom for the Celtics. If the rest of the playoffs are any indication, Rajon Rondo might rip off someone's nose in this series only to have the NBA say it isn't a flagrant foul (Rondo was going after the nose-shaped-basketball, silly goose).

Who: Lakers vs. Rockets

Winner: Lakers in 5

Why: Take a look at that photo of a clean-cut Pau Gasol. You almost want to tell that young lad, "In your future, you will resemble an ogre. Invest in beard combs NOW." Going back to the series, mark my words: The Rockets will steal a game in L.A., prompting the talking heads on TV to talk incessantly about it for a few days. The Rockets will then promptly lose from then on out, and the talk will turn to "who will stop the Lakers" talk. My message here: If you hear the word "Lakers" on the radio, quickly throw it out of the window. You'll save yourself a lot of aggrevation.

Who: Nuggets vs. Mavs

Winner: Nuggets in 6

Why: The Nuggs represent the best team no one is talking about in this playoffs. Half the country is still seeing them for the first time and saying, "Wow...Carmelo Anthony cut his hair? When did THAT happen?" It's sad the Nuggets aren't getting more credit as they really are the only team that can push the Lakers in the West in my opinion. They also crushed the titan known as "Dumars", with a trade so good that it made Denver a contender and crushed the Pistons core for good. This series will also be fun to watch simply for the massive amount of camera cut-aways to a pissed-off-looking Mark Cuban in the stands. If you play a drinking game with it, you will have a good time.

Time to watch the Magic-Celtics game. Post your picks to win in the comments section or shoot us an email. Toodles!

We Love Our Readers: Comments Section Now Open

Eesh. That easily is one of the more odd team press photos I have ever seen.

This post is to let you scalawags know that the comments section is now completely open and completely moderation-free. This means you can post whatever comes into your sick little minds without worry of reprisal. Use it as a way to keep track of shopping lists, or tell that special someone that you're leaving them for the mailman. Either way, our site is now yours people.