Saturday, February 23, 2008

THF Anal Thermometer Watch: Houston Rockets Edition

Tonight the Rockets won their 11th straight game, beating the Hornets (our previous Anal Thermometer Watch Subject) with Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady combining for 62 of the team's 100 points. With the team appearing unstoppable lately, it's time to put on the ol' bifocals, take out the stethescope, and see what's gotten into the guts of these Rockets lately.

First and foremost I have to point out that the success of Houston boils down to far more than just Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming. Those two players contribute a ton, but the other players on the team have really stepped up and a are the glue that holds the team together...That being said, if either T-Bac or Yow! Ming (as the doctors know him) get significantly injured again this team will sink like a stone. -Actually like a stone tied to a 2-ton weight.

We already know a ton about McGrady and Yao, so let's take a gander at the rest of the team shall we?

First, let's talk about Shane Battier. Most people remember him as that incredibly hyped Duke guy coming out of college, since he has really blended into the background with a somewhat boring game and even more boring persona. I perfer to focus on his natural gifts, which to me means focusing on the fact that there are aerodynamically cut ridges in his skull:

Seriously, I can't look at him without focusing on those skull ridges. What ARE those? If someone told me he carved those in to achieve higher speeds like drivers in NASCAR, I wouldn't bat an eye.

Next, we have AND1 "Skip To My Lou" Rafer Alston. Now THAT is an interesting character. Not only does he have the playful ability to skip while dribbling the ball upcourt, but he also allegedly slashed a man on the neck during a nightclub altercation. Really, that is what most people should look for in a role model and (when possible) ghostwriter for an autobiography. When I'm retired and famous, if my autobiography doesn't involve the words "nightclub altercation" than I have not lived a full life.

Next we have Luis Scola, the man G.L. Rawx likens to Antonio Banderas. I hesitate to agree with this, as I personally think he looks more like WWE Superstar "Rhino". For those of you not familiar with the wrestler Rhino (few are), his only move was to charge at a guy and spear him to the ground. Success completely revolved around this move. This all leads us to the inevitable conclusion that I somehow have more to say about WWE wrestler Rhino than Luis Scola. The guy rebounds and usually scores around 10 points. I dunno.

Beyond those three, we have a nice mish-mash of players. The team just traded for Flava Flav-lookalike Bobby Jackson, a guy who somehow is still productive despite getting fouled in a horrific fashion by someone at least once per game. They are also getting Gerald Green, the guy who did the "blowing out the candle dunk", which was arguably the coolest dunk in this year's dunk contest (he has teammate Mutombo jumping up like a schoolgirl on television at the sight of Dwight Howard's superhero outfit to thank for him losing). Lastly, Aaron Brooks is somehow making his name respectable again, despite sharing it with his backwards-pass-throwing counterpart in the NFL.

On a scale of 1-1o on the THF Anal Thermometer Watch we give the Rockets a bombastic 10 and the only prescription that can calm the feva is more cowbell rating. I picked them to come in second in the Southwest at the beginning of the season and it is good to see doing well so as to help me seem like less of a moron now than I was earlier in the season. Yay for that!

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