Who Else Likes Trades?!?!

This guy does, cause he got out of Milwaukee. However, in bat$**t crazy news, the New Jersey Nets have decided to trade Richard Jefferson to Milwaukee for Yi Jianlian and Busty Busterson Bobby Simmons. If you ask Milwaukee right now, they love trades. They got RJ for 300 million Chinese fans basically. If Yi really and truly hated it there (like he said he was going to and his agent said he was going to and everyone else besides Bucks ownership said he was going to), then I'll be pretty excited to see what he will do in New Jersey.

I think New Jersey will give Yi a chance to be on the receiving end of better team basketball, which will help him grow considerably more than he would watching Michael Redd shoot. Personally, I don't think Yi is a bust. If he was going in that direction, he would look more like Wang Zhi Zhi by now. As far as Most Improved Player '05 Bobby Simmons goes, I don't know what he brings to the table for New Jersey. They have such a glaring need for 6'6" combo guards I guess.

As far as Milwaukee goes, they stole an All-Star. Does this get them closer to contending in the East? No it sure doesn't. Does this give them an out in the Get-Rid-of-Yi-Amicably game? Yes it does. So happy trails RJ, good luck with that franchise, and I'll have fun playing Association mode in NBA 2K9 with your squad; I'll have you contending by 2011, and I'll bring you more superstars. You can take solace in that.

Who Likes Trades?!?!

This guy does. Finally the reality show we all know as the National Basketball Association ends it's go to challenge Point Guard Wars as the Toronto Raptors have completed a trade (in principal) which sends point guard (questionable title) T.J. Ford, center Rasho Nesterovic, a player to be named, and the #17 pick to the Indiana Pacers for forward/center Jermaine O'Neal.

It seems like everyone's loving this deal so far, but I'm wondering when we went back to 1997 because that sounds like an awful lot of chips to deal for 2 degenerative knees. Regardless of what anyone thinks O'Neal's value is, the deal is still fairly good for Toronto. Great for Indiana, they're getting another pick to rebuild with and they don't have to worry too too much about the point guard situation (although I would never deal for a point guard if I had Travis Diener on the books). Jermaine O'Neal healthy gives you about 15/7. Next to Chris Bosh, that might become 15/9. I almost compare it to the deal that went down for that other O'Neal a while ago, because you're not necessarily getting him for the stats he brings, but the presence. Just having the 2 of them down there makes other teams have to consider more when they go up against them for the 40 games that he's healthy. Plus there is a lot of piece of mind involved in knowing who your franchise point guard is (well deserved) instead of having a weird tandem that has never really worked out for you in the first place. Good show Pacers and Raptors, you've started Draft Day out very nicely. Now excuse me, I have to hang up my Jose Calderon FatHead.

Update: Apparently the deal isn't a DONE deal until July 1st; T.J. Ford's deal has a compensation tag that has to come off the books, and dudes need physicals.

Getting Married...MOCK DRAFT TIME!

So this Saturday, to much fanfare and blaring of trumpets, I am getting married.

I am very excited, and not just for the food and the ability to not invite people to the wedding that I've been meaning to distance myself from. As a married man I will be able to punch people and leave a ring-shaped indentation on their forehead. I also will be able to grow that 8 inch handlebar moustache I've been meaning to grow with little to no fear of having no contact with a woman again. More than anything, when I have lost all of my money and car in a high stakes poker game, I can take my wedding ring off and put it on the table in a dramatic move that makes everyone in the room gasp.

Despite my very happy and exciting happenings, I would be a poor host if I didn't talk about the event that stands as the last sports-related thing I will care about this summer (sorry baseball) THE NBA DRAFT!

Here is The Howeva Files' 2008 Mock Draft. All of these will be right. Oh, you don't think so? Care to make it interesting? (Tosses wedding ring on the table as he twiddles last poker chip in trembling hands)

1) Bulls - PG Derrick Rose Surprised? Then you are a moron.

2) Heat - PF Michael Beasley Sleazy Riley will be back when he revives the Heat.

3) Wolves - G OJ Mayo McHale brings the nutjob home. This should be fun!

4) Sonics - G Jerryd Bayless Oklahoma City gets its point guard. Seattle shrugs.

5) Grizz - C Kevin Love Too similar to Big Country Reeves to NOT be a Grizzly.

6) Knicks - SF Danilo Gallinari A good pick for D'Antoni. Score one for Little Italy.

7) Clippers - SF Joe Alexander Why not? He'll be out of here if he's good anyways.

8) Bucks - SG Anthony Randolph A reach here. Bucks drafts are comedy genius.

9) Bobcats - C Brook Lopez Twins part I. The lone Bobcats fan cheers.

10) Nets - G Russell Westbrook Could work out well in NJ.

11) Pacers - D.J. Augustin Short guards make the world go 'round.

12) Kings - G Eric Gordon Good guard for the Maloofs to waste away.

13) Blazers - SG Brandon Rush This guy's stock is flying up. Blazers trying to trade pick.

14) Warriors - SF Mareese Speights Work ethic of a slug, but talented as hell

15) Suns - SF Donte Greene Extremely athletic and could go much higher.

16) Sixers - PF Darrell Arthur With Dalembert, this team would be "team rebound".

17) Raptors - C Kosta Koufos Raptors want a center, and this is one they can develop.

18) Wizards - C DeAndre Jordan A "Jordan" is back on the Wiz! Like old times!

19) Cavs - C Alexis Ajinca A steal this late. Lebron nods "yes" while on a throne of gold.

20) Nuggets - SG Courtney Lee This guy's draft stock flew over the cookoo's nest.

21) Nets - PF J.J. Hickson The complete lack of a low post in NJ gets some help.

22) Magic - C Robin Lopez Wanted Lee. No one likes a crummier twin. The Magic do.

23) Jazz - C Roy Hibbert Stone hands finds a home in Sloanville.

24) Sonics - C JaVale McGee Center whose stock dropped like Enron. Good pick here tho.

25) Rockets - SG Chris Douglas-Roberts CDR and TMAC: Abbreviations are D.U.M.B.

26) Spurs - SF Nicolas Batum Spurs are the safety net for talent that slips through.

27) Hornets - G Mario Chalmers Solid depth for a playoff team.

28) Grizzlies - SG J.R. Giddens Wanted CDR or Lee with this pick. Gasol > Giddens.

29) Pistons - SF Bill Walker Dumars likes the injury-plagued forward. Ow!

30) Celts - PF Jason Thompson Because PJ Brown should leave any day now.

And there you have it. I'll think of you all fondly as I step down the aisle. Toodles.

Praying For A Less "Disney" Orlando Magic Logo

As I mentioned briefly in yesterday's entry, the Orlando Magic are going to get a new logo and jerseys at some point this summer. As a diehard Magic fan, the suspense is killing me. Making me wait on what the complete image overhaul for my favorite team will look like is like telling me, "So...you may or may not have genital warts. Later this summer you can find out!"

One thing we do know, there will be a "blast from the past" theme for the jerseys. This can only mean one thing: Everyone will be nude except for selectively placed images of Rony Seikaly on their crotch.

-If it's not that, chances are it means PINSTRIPES, PINSTRIPES, PINSTRIPES! For those of you dyslexic folks out there, it means STRIPE-PINS!

As for the logo, it my firm belief the Magic were initially going for that whole "Hey, if we name our team after the Magic Kingdom and make our logo look like something Mickey Mouse would make sweet love to, maybe we can have Disney as a future partner!" This, of course, did not happen as Disney turned their noses up at the local squad (to be fair, they had little use for Scott Skiles with his lookalike Dopey Dwarf already under Disney ownership).

Now, the Magic have their big chance to completely erase the silly kiddiness of their logo and get something that'll sell some damn jerseys. I strongly suggest they go with this:

What is it? It's a friggin' clock tied to a tree. Why should it be the logo? I'll be damned if I know, but it's the first thing that pops up when you type in "Magic" on Google Images Search. Obviously it's a magic clock of some sort, and those are not to be messed with. Look a little closer and you'll see that there is a little door in the tree. If all else fails, the team can still go for that E.L. Fudge sponsorship to bolster the team.

More logo news as it comes. This will easily be the most important thing of the summer for me...you know...except for the fact I'm getting married Saturday. Besides that, I guess.

New Timberwolves Logo...How Long Until Mark Cuban Sues?

With the draft coming up soon, it's time for crap teams to start looking to the future to avoid the hell that is their present. No team is in need of more of a diversion from the baggy-eyed present that is Kevin McHale than the Minnesota Timberwolves. They are chucking a new logo out there and seeing how it does. Early word is that this is a secondary logo, but I don't think that is a definite yet.

And here you are, dear readers:

I know what you are thinking and NO I didn't just photoshop a wolf on the Dallas Mavericks logo. Boy, how much of a ripoff of the Dallas logo is that? Sure, the old "monster wolf in front of green trees" logo smacked of days past when Garnett actually had the boys in contention, but it did at least stand out. This chucks the team into that netherworld that is Clippers-Nuggets-Atlanta Hawks-esque logo and color abiguity. I am going to reserve complete judgement until I see the primary logo (if there is a different one), but so far this just smacks of copycat work. For shame, Minnesotans.

As you can ask any of my friends, I take logos and colors of teams WAY too seriously, so I will be following this story closely. A recent rumor that my favorite team, the Magic, might be getting a new logo is enough to keep me up at night. The moment Minnesota's new primary logo is leaked, you will find it here.*


*Unless I am on vacation, asleep, or generally unmotivated. There is approximately a 13% I will not be one of those things, so stay tuned!

NBA Still Hungover From The Finals

After a wonderful playoffs, the NBA is still in relative slumber mode. Sure, there is plenty of trade and draft talk, but that's all it really is at this point. It's still too early to see any of the million and one rumored trade ideas floating around the league actually going down, and despite what you might hear, the Bulls and Heat will end up staying in their draft positions and draft Rose and Beasley.

Rather than spend any useless effort on foolish rumor discussions that won't come to fluition, let's turn our attention to more pressing matters...namely...

DAVID STERN GETTING HIT ON BY THIS SCARY LOOKING WOMAN!



After watching that a few times I think I need to read something before I go to sleep, lest that woman's "sticking her tongue out" face haunt my dreams.

This Jail Cell Is Wicked Ah-Some!

Boston police arrested 22 Celtics fans for getting a little too carried away with their celebrations last night. These folks bashed in store windows, tried (but failed) at overturning cars, and staged what Detroit residents can only be described as a "poor man's riot". I don't know exactly how poor men riot, but my guess is it involves throwing feces.

The city of Boston threw these guys in jail, and then the mayor came out and (in true mayorly fashion) called them "punks". He also encouraged tough penalties to be brought down upon them once they were brought to trial.

The thought of a bunch of Celtics fans in jail, getting stared at by 300+ pound prisoners is quite an interesting one. The conversations must go like this:

Boston fan: "Um...sir. Why are you looking at me and licking your lips?"

Prisoner: "You look like you need some lovin'."

Boston fan: "No. No I really, really don't."

Prisoner: "Then why's that fancy man on your shirt winkin' at me?"

Boston fan: "You mean my Celtics logo?" (Fan is knocked unconscious and dragged to a corner of the cell for lovemaking sessions with Bubba)

CELTICS WIN! Eli Manning The Only Thing Standing Between Boston Championship Trifecta

The Celtics demolished the Lakers tonight, winning their 17th NBA title and thus concluding what has been a very fun NBA season.

Congrats to Boston sports fans out there. For tonight America will momentarily suspend its complete hatred of you, as your city seems to win everything lately. It's only amount of time before the Bruins win an unprecidented 18 Stanley Cups in a row (they're filming the other team's defensive signals).

Suddenly that dream I had about Brian Scalabrine and Big Baby riding a victory parade float all makes sense.

With the conclusion of the NBA season, we usher in arguably the most funny and ridiculous part of the NBA...the offseason! I can't wait to see who JR Smith accidentally kills!

Turiaf Knows How To Win This Series

The Lakers hopped back into making it a respectable series with a win last night.  The series is now 3-2 as it heads back to Boston, by no means over but still likely to be a Celtics championship.

How did the Lakers finally win, suppressing what was almost another comeback (this time down 18) by the Celtics?  Was it heart?  Was it brains?  Was it splooge-covered towels, Kobe?

Well...not sure if they were splooge-covered...BUT IT WAS INDEED TOWELS!

Specifically, Lakers player Ronny Turiaf throwing them to an assistant during the Celtics free throws in order to distract them.  Everyone knows that towel throwing is the key to knocking Paul Pierce's game off, since he almost had suffocated as a child under a big towel (Note: I have no factual evidence to back this up).

Anyhoo, here's the video clip.  Enjoy:

Pat Riley Announces Return To Coaching/Poaching Championships

After less than two months into what many thought was a final retirement from coaching, Hall of Famer Pat Riley announced his return to the sideline Saturday to relieve Boston Celtics coach, Doc Rivers, of his duties.

"Doc's done a terrific job on this journey to a championship, but it's time that a true legend 'roll the station wagon into the driveway' so to speak" Riley stated to a packed room in downtown Los Angeles.

Rivers was not present at the press conference, but had a written statement read aloud by Riley. "This season has had it's rewards. I'll remember fondly getting within one game of my first championship, but it just feels right that I take time off to spend some more time with my darling family. Maybe I'll return to coaching as soon as Riley is done poaching, but until then I'll be happy not winning championships."