I am very excited, and not just for the food and the ability to not invite people to the wedding that I've been meaning to distance myself from. As a married man I will be able to punch people and leave a ring-shaped indentation on their forehead. I also will be able to grow that 8 inch handlebar moustache I've been meaning to grow with little to no fear of having no contact with a woman again. More than anything, when I have lost all of my money and car in a high stakes poker game, I can take my wedding ring off and put it on the table in a dramatic move that makes everyone in the room gasp.
Despite my very happy and exciting happenings, I would be a poor host if I didn't talk about the event that stands as the last sports-related thing I will care about this summer (sorry baseball) THE NBA DRAFT!
Here is The Howeva Files' 2008 Mock Draft. All of these will be right. Oh, you don't think so? Care to make it interesting? (Tosses wedding ring on the table as he twiddles last poker chip in trembling hands)
1) Bulls - PG Derrick Rose Surprised? Then you are a moron.
2) Heat - PF Michael Beasley Sleazy Riley will be back when he revives the Heat.
3) Wolves - G OJ Mayo McHale brings the nutjob home. This should be fun!
4) Sonics - G Jerryd Bayless Oklahoma City gets its point guard. Seattle shrugs.
5) Grizz - C Kevin Love Too similar to Big Country Reeves to NOT be a Grizzly.
6) Knicks - SF Danilo Gallinari A good pick for D'Antoni. Score one for Little Italy.
7) Clippers - SF Joe Alexander Why not? He'll be out of here if he's good anyways.
8) Bucks - SG Anthony Randolph A reach here. Bucks drafts are comedy genius.
9) Bobcats - C Brook Lopez Twins part I. The lone Bobcats fan cheers.
10) Nets - G Russell Westbrook Could work out well in NJ.
11) Pacers - D.J. Augustin Short guards make the world go 'round.
13) Blazers - SG Brandon Rush This guy's stock is flying up. Blazers trying to trade pick.
14) Warriors - SF Mareese Speights Work ethic of a slug, but talented as hell
15) Suns - SF Donte Greene Extremely athletic and could go much higher.
16) Sixers - PF Darrell Arthur With Dalembert, this team would be "team rebound".
17) Raptors - C Kosta Koufos Raptors want a center, and this is one they can develop.
18) Wizards - C DeAndre Jordan A "Jordan" is back on the Wiz! Like old times!
19) Cavs - C Alexis Ajinca A steal this late. Lebron nods "yes" while on a throne of gold.
20) Nuggets - SG Courtney Lee This guy's draft stock flew over the cookoo's nest.
21) Nets - PF J.J. Hickson The complete lack of a low post in NJ gets some help.
22) Magic - C Robin Lopez Wanted Lee. No one likes a crummier twin. The Magic do.
23) Jazz - C Roy Hibbert Stone hands finds a home in Sloanville.
24) Sonics - C JaVale McGee Center whose stock dropped like Enron. Good pick here tho.
25) Rockets - SG Chris Douglas-Roberts CDR and TMAC: Abbreviations are D.U.M.B.
26) Spurs - SF Nicolas Batum Spurs are the safety net for talent that slips through.
27) Hornets - G Mario Chalmers Solid depth for a playoff team.
28) Grizzlies - SG J.R. Giddens Wanted CDR or Lee with this pick. Gasol > Giddens.
29) Pistons - SF Bill Walker Dumars likes the injury-plagued forward. Ow!
30) Celts - PF Jason Thompson Because PJ Brown should leave any day now.
And there you have it. I'll think of you all fondly as I step down the aisle. Toodles.