Happy Festivus From The Howeva Files

There honestly is no telling when the booze will kick in (we've been downing egg nog since December 1st nonstop), so we'll take some time on the eve of Christmas Eve to wish you and your families a very happy holiday. It's that special time of year when you can give gag reindeer poo to your friends, curse loudly when that one irritating Christmas song you can't stand comes on for the 4,000th time (for me it's that John Mellencamp version of the 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' song...please someone just shoot me in the face when that harmonica starts playing) and most importantly your vomit will taste abundantly of nutmeg. Do us a favor and hold some missletoe above the person you love the most/you're stalking, because life is short and that cozy fireplace means it's baby-making time.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

"When You Steps The Lights Goes On"

In the spirit of Christmas, I've been looking up what a lot of team websites have been doing for the holiday. The Bulls seem to be tossing videos all over the web related to what their players are up to. Most recently, I caught this video of robot-talking snoozer Derrick "Poodini" Rose and mushmouth Luol Deng discussing Christmas. My favorite line is probably Deng describing the best gift he ever received, which was a pair of shoes that "when you steps the lights goes on".



The most interesting thing is the long, looooooooooong pauses when the reporter asks them what they'd like for Christmas this year...followed by both of them saying they have purchased anything they already wanted for themselves. If I were a criminal, I would have stopped whatever I was doing (probably making explosive ships-in-a-bottle to go along with my "The Sailor" archvillain name) and would immediately rob these guys. There has to be SOMETHING you don't have Luol and Derrick! This year, for instance, I am asking for a private jet, Megan Fox, and Spencer Pratt's head on a platter.

As We Approach The XMas Break...

- Summer 2010 is still the biggest story. We could very well have flying cars, the cure for cancer and an Oscar award-winning Kevin Federline, but I'm pretty sure what we'll still be talking about in 2010 is who will LeBron sign with. Considering his posturing as a native New Yorker despite his team's legitimate chance for a championship, it's understandable if LeBron James doesn't have his mind made up, but shut up and stop giving false hope to Cavs fans.

- Yi is a geezer. I'm not one to say he's old, but Yi talks about what was wrong with the Ford administration, has it written in his contract that he should be in bed by 8, starts conversations about friends who just died, and needs his oatmeal pre-chewed.

Barkley Has Cat-Like Reflexes

I find most studio sports shows to be boring and filled with over-the-top fake laughs at stupid things. For example: Everything Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw have ever joked about and/or laughed at is not funny. See? Can't disagree with that.

That being said, the TNT show with Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, and Charles Barkley stands out like a beautiful mirage in the middle of a desert of Shannon Sharpe-led retardation*. The show is funny, and they all actually talk like a bunch of guys sitting around a bar (i.e. they actual are entertaining). Staying topical, here is how they talk about what's going on with President Bush lately:

Gotta love em'.

*While we are talking about sports talking heads that are tough to stomach, I will state for the record that Phil Simms' NFL commentary is just awful. I loved him as a player (him and Marino were my favorites growing up), but the way he shouts every single word with a weird-ass southern accent really gets under your skin after 5 seconds. The accent oddly only seems to affect words with an "i" in them. Example:

Jim Nantz: "Well, here we are at the Meadowlands. The Jets look ready to play, Phil!

Phil Simms: "YOU'RE RIGHT THERE, JEEEM! LOOK AT FAVRE THROWING OUT THERE! YOU CAN TELL THAT TEAM IS BEHIND HEEEM!"

Listen for it this Sunday and you too can hate Phil Simms' commentary as much as me. Yay!

Starbury Contines To Mind-F**k Mike D'Antoni And The Knicks

Lest you forgot, the banished Stephon Marbury is still getting paid over $21 million by the New York Knicks despite the fact he has not worked for a cent of it. And just to rub it in, Marbury decided to get a courtside seat to see his "teammates" play the Lakers the other night in LA. Here's some quotes followed by a translation of what they REALLY meant to say.

Coach Mike D'Antoni: "That's fine. About 19,000 people are going to be there tonight, so if he wants to see a good game, that's great."
TRANSLATION: WTF!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! F**K THIS MOTHERF**KER AND HIS F**KING STUPID TATTOOED HEAD!


Knicks Forward Quentin Richardson: "My thing is, we were here playing the Lakers. I guess he was a face in the crowd. I didn't know he was there."
TRANSLATION: He kept heckling me about Brandy.


Richardson: "I hope he enjoyed it. It was a good game."
TRANSLATION: When can I start making that kind of money without playing?


Marbury: "All I've got to do is get free. Once I get free, the team I'm going to go to, I think a lot of people will be shocked."
TRANSLATION: I am going to form a barnstorming team of exiled players including Darius Miles and JR Rider. If that doesn't work, I think I'm still eligible to get some run at Lincoln High!

KG Has A Potty Mouth

We all know Kevin Garnett has the intensity of roughly 47 Peyton Mannings, but it's rare that we get a glimpse of the insanity that takes him over during games. Sorry, did I say his intensity was rare? I meant to say "omnipresent".

Here is a typical moment when the ball winds up in his teammate's hands while his teammate is accidentally out of bounds.



After the F Bomb, you could practically see the director in the booth saying, "Oh No!. We had the mikes near KG again! Quick! Go to something completely boring. Carlos Boozer on the sidelines in a suit! Stat!"

I kinda want to make a talking KG action figure that is all curse words and him saying, "You all KNOW Lebron took that chalk dust introduction thing from me, right?"

Cheeks And Balances...Awful Title Pun To Say Mo Has Been Fired

Our favorite pornstar-named coach Mo Cheeks just got the can by the 76ers. The Sixers are currently 9-14 after having a fantastic surprise season last year. After starting out 7-6, the team has lost 8 of their last 10 and Andre Iguodala has openly questioned the team's heart in conversations with reporters.  When you get that whole "heart" thing from one of your star players, you might as well just pack up your stuff and start hitting on your secretary with the big cans, because you are outta there.

While I never really had strong feelings about Cheeks as a coach, I have to go back to that cringe-worthy moment when he helped that girl finish the national anthem and say that he seems like a nice guy.  You can kill off hookers left and right and set fire to orphanages, but as long as you help girls finish the anthem you are aces in my book.

This is the fourth NBA head coach let go this season, which officially makes it an epidemic.  I am tossing my name into the fold as a head coaching option for the teams out there.  My coaching style is like Mike Singletary, but with wayyyyyyy more mooning.

Before You Go, Could You Explain This?

Because of the same heart condition that took the lives of Reggie Lewis and Hank Gathers, veteran guard Cuttino Mobley retired yesterday. The condition, hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, was discovered during a physical after Cuttino was traded to the Knicks from the Clippers. Although my statistician decided to take a 3-day weekend, I can say that this is the first time this century that someone is thankful to have been traded to the Knicks. The Howeva Files wishes him good health and success in his next stage of his life.

That being said, we still need an explaination for this:

Well, THAT Was Quick

As you can see from my previous post, it was only a matter of time before Larry Brown weighed in on the shitstorm known as the Bobcats and alienated his players further.

Check out his reaction to the trade with Phoenix below. Between saddened tone and mentioning TWICE that unlike his team at least the Suns have a chance at doing something this season, you can see just how happy he is. My favorite is that he actually says that it will be a shock to Boris and Raja when they come to the Bobcats and see just how far they've fallen.

Just inspires you to play some great basketball for him, doesn't it Bobcats?

Trade Review: J-Rich For Clothesline McGee and "The Boris Diaw Face"

Today J-Rich got traded to the Suns in exchange for Raja Bell and Boris Diaw...two folks that are now weeping as they accept their silly cartoon jerseys and ticket to one of the bottomfeeders of the NBA. As THF typically does when a trade goes down, I'll play teacher and see how to grade the the badass mofo GMs in this trade.

Phoenix Suns: B+ Let me just start off by saying this: I do not think Steve Kerr is a good GM. He totally bungled that Shaq trade, even with Marion being angry, giving up power and electricity for a center whose best days were behind him. Then he thought Grant Hill would be a good choice as starter (I am a Magic fan, so I can tell you that was NOT a good idea, Steve). Then, after he learned Grant Hill wasn't a good choice at starter, he got Matt Barnes and thought he would suddenly explode as a solid scoring option. -All this being said, I think he actually made a good deal here. This can only lead me to one conclusion: Jason Richardson surely has a lingering injury that will immediatlely render him useless to the Suns. It's the only way this makes any sense to me. Still, for the time being I have to give Steve an "atta-boy" and a pat on the rear.

Charlotte Bobcats: D- The Bobcats traded away one of their best players for...a 32-year old guy who serves mainly as a utility player and a hit-or-miss Frenchman who is currently on the bench. Yeah, sounds about right for the Bobcats. I'd feel bad for fans in North Carolina if any of them actually liked this team. The real question is when Larry Brown will start alienating this team, calling them worthless and laughing when they talk about winning. I give it 4 months before Raja's first clothesline to Brown's neck. Bonus points mark this one up from an "F' simply for employing the services of the "Boris Diaw Face" (seen in photo at right), which is a team profile picture that says without words and hilarious bedroom eyes, "Suck my ****".

Congrats to both teams on the trade. Fans of ugly orange jerseys rejoice.
- Black and Blue Jor
*************************************************************************************

LET'S MAKE A DEAL
Yes Bobcat fans, your team can get worse. You've traded away an athletic scorer for a guy with a track record for clotheslines and a pear-shaped frog who once said, "I don't date American women. I have them." But hey, Bell is a Coach Brown type of guy and so is...oh wait, Diaw will be suicidal come New Year's.

As for Phoenix, this will likely accomplish nothing, but now they can argue that they have three (and when Shaq plays, three and a half) stars. At this point Bell is no longer the defender he's touted as, but after watching last night's game versus the Lakers I'm ready to bury all of Terry Porter's defensive philosophies.


THIS JUST IN!
Hall of Fame coach, fitness buff and known steroid abuser, Chuck Daly, smashed a fan's camera on a golf course. Pray to God that you never cross paths with this mentally unbalanced lunatic!

- Anubis Taylor

Kevin McHale Goes Isiah On The T-Wolves...Local Papers Begin Preparing Their Sexual Harrassment and Drug Overdose Stories

Serving as evidence to the long-term effects of pressure put on the genitals by short shorts of the 1980's, Kevin McHale stepped down from his cushy front office position for the Minnesota Timberwolves to coach the 4-15 squad.

That's right, he's pulling an Isiah Thomas.

I can't wait until Sebastian Telfair gives his best Starbury impression on the Minneapolis version of Mike'd Up!

THF Goes To Miami For The Weekend: Finds Nothing Basketball-Related Going On

To take a brief respite from the news and talk about my own self: This past weekend I went to the city of Miami for the first time to check out "Miami Basil", which is (in non-pretentous speak) an enormous art fair with thousands of the top art galleries in the world presenting their work.



While this was all fancy and whatnot, the biggest thing for me was loading up on Miami Dolphins gear since I've been a Dolphins fan forever and can't score any aqua and/or orange swag above the Mason-Dixon line. I also just wanted to see how much Miami Heat stuff I could find since they won the championship not too long ago. As you can see, when it comes to worthwhile ways to spend money I am the equivalent of a drunk Charles Barkely in a casino.

Anyhoo, the big surprise to me was that I couldn't find any Heat or Dolphins stuff in the city of Miami!

I thought it was just that I wasn't looking in the right place, but then I went to the huge Lincoln Mall and also combed around several shopping areas in Miami Beach and Miami proper and came up with nothing but Camo-colored Marlins baseball caps. This is a shame of epic proportions to me as a Dolphins fan and those people who like the Heat. I went home to New York City with a cheap-looking Miami Dolphins hat, which was the only thing I could find at the airport in the "clearance" aisle...oh, yeah and I also purchased a very expensive piece of art from a gallery (this is less important on many levels).

While in the end I found a single Dolphins hat, I found NO Heat stuff whatsoever. -Not even an indication that they played in the city. I know they were bad last year, but this was still surprising.

Maybe this video below has something to do with it. Barak Obama does the unthinkable and becomes the first African-American president, uniting much of the country and bringing the prospect of hope in rather scary economic times. What does that result in? You guessed it, Dwayne Wade saying that if Obama gives some little kid an interview, that Wade would actually let Obama play against him.




My new opinion is that it's stuff like this that caused Obama to make his first secret act in office to be finding and burning all Miami Heat merchandise. I know, I know that the video is supposed to be cute, but if I were Obama I would watch this and say, "What a completely cocky piece of poop. I killed myself to get elected. One I get those secret service guys, I'm using them to force Dwayne Wade to lick my boot."

Are You A Kings Fan? Do You Like Boobies? We Have The Night For You!

The Sacramento Kings have been craptacular this season, and the NBA has been having attendance problems, so you knew they would start getting pretty creative with their advertising. This is my favorite campaign of the season so far:



Apparently there is basketball being played too, but ah who cares. Bonus points to the Kings for that incredibly crude outline of a girl next to a hot dog. It's almost as if Vegas tycoons with loose moral fiber own this team or something!

R.I.P Sam Mitchell, We Hardly Knew Ye

I knew as soon as you won coach of the year in the 07-08 season that the writing was on the wall, so I wish the best for now-fired coach Sam Mitchell. You may have elevated a crappy Toronto franchise named after a Jurassic Park-inspired character to heights previously unheard-of, but you could not do better than the Celts and Nets this season (thus far). In the end, each of us is left with two things: Our name, and our fly dance moves. Sam Mitchell, indulge us, will you?

OK...Now What?

So the much-talked about meeting to settle the Stephon Marbury drama ended up being a complete dud, lasting only 15 minutes until Marbury left. My inside source (my imagination) report it went down like this:

Walsh: Steph, I've thought long and hard about your circumstance on this team and we're willing to make you a buy-out offer. Would you care to hear it?
Marbury: (fingers in ears) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Also according to my source, Megan Fox wants to ride shotgun on my Pegasus to my fortress on the moon to be my moon-slave. He's always on target that source!

Devin Harris And I Think Alike

Devin Harris, otherwise known in THF circles as That Cosby Kid, took a splash out of bounds in the Lakers game the other day. I was watching this game and totally didn't notice the best part of it at first. Rewinding my DVR helped erase the happy confusion of why the cameraman kept showing the Lakers cheerleaders:



Gotta love it. The amazing thing is that although Devin Harris has rather large teeth and ears that would allow him to fly away were you to put a feather in his trunk, you KNOW he is such a pimp inside that he could probably pick up any one of those lovely ladies. That is the very definition of badass.

After this comedic display, it matters not that the Lakers outscored the Nets by 27 points. 'Twas Devin Harris that won this game.

Happy Thanksgiving Hangover Day!

We here at THF hope that you and your family had a very Happy Thanksgiving.  We, obviously, took the day off to focus on giblets and why they are so damn horrendous looking.  Most people had the day off, including (to no one's surprise) this guy, so if you worked over the holiday our hearts go out to you.  You are probably breaking into your boss' car to fill it with giblets right now.

Alright, enough of pilgrims, turkeys, and hats with buckles on them (still waiting for this puritan fashion statement to come back).  Let's all take a deep breath and get ready for the real holiday season to begin:

Three thoughts: 1) I don't know what "Jingle Bell Swings" are, but I want at least two of them. 2) Mutombo's voice appears to have actually just been dubbed with the sound of a coffee bean grinder on "high" setting. 3) You can tell they chucked Luis Scola out there, had him speak, and then ran him back to his trailer while saying, "He said a sentence or two, now get him offscreen! He'll scare the children!"

Lebron James Will Make Sweet Love To You

Below is Lebron's newest Nike commercial, which is approximately 3 minutes too long for a commercial.  Still, it's pretty funny to see a superstar acting like something Billy Dee Williams would hang out with.  Note to self: Get one of those fireplaces that switches on that quickly...bringing lumber in from a shed ruins the mood.

I am a happily married man, but WOW what a wise casting choice for the "hot girl" in this video.  You can tell even Lebron is shocked and awed by how good looking she is.  If I were the Knicks, to get Lebron I would tell him "We can get you 10 lookalikes of the girl in that video you were in.  We can also make everything else in that commercial you were in come true, including creating a time machine to put you in the 70's."

Scott Brooks: Your New Skipper Of The Titanic!

The mulleted piece of man-meat pictured above is Scott Brooks, and he has just been named the new interim coach of the Oklahoma City Thunder (Kapowww). I honestly had no knowledge of Scott Brooks coming into today, which is somewhat odd as I pride myself on being a veritable encyclopedia of mulleted sports players past and present. Looking at Scott Brooks' wikipedia page doesn't reveal much either, other than the fact that in addition to the NBA he played in the CBA and the WBL (two little-known basketball leagues that nevertheless completely trump the WNBA in terms of legitimacy).

One thing that does stand out is that the CBA team he played for was named "The Albany Patroons". A "patroon" is defined as "A landholder in New Netherland who, under Dutch colonial rule, was granted proprietary and manorial rights to a large tract of land in". -The other definition is "A ship captain"...so yeah...take from that what you will. (Walks away as "The More You Know" jingle plays)

No Gimmick Is Too Crappy For The Suns

Last year, the Suns treated us to a completely ridiculous multimedia website, which I've detailed here. If completely crazy computer effects are any indication, Steve Kerr and company have not let the 08-09 season go by without flushing tons of money down the toilet in self-promotion.

This year the Suns are going with a "Planet Orange" campaign, which doesn't really make much sense to me and sorta sounds like a new Mountain Dew flavor. This comes complete with a completely silly, but nontheless entertaining video


This begs the question: How was this video pitched to Grant Hill? I can only hope it sounded like this:

Suns executive: "So just to recap, Barbosa will be made to look like the roadrunner, Shaq will do a Godzilla yell, and Nash will play with the basketball like a soccer ball. We'll even give useless Diaw some fire or something."

Hill: "What am I going to do?"

Suns executive: "You're going to run up a mountain, dressed like a dragon with a flamethrower attached to your face. We'll then need you to flex at the camera and do pelvic thrusts."

Hill: "Bullshit. I'll dunk for you and that's it." (Walks out of the room, shoving Steve Kerr as he does so.)

Stephen Jackson Is The Best

Stephen Jackson is one of my favorite players in the NBA. I don't find it particularly interesting to watch him play, and it isn't like he can lift a team with his spirit like Lebron or Chris Paul. I like Stephen Jackson because anytime you hear his name it is usually followed by something completely crazy and memorable.

Take his latest diatribe about how Rip Hamilton is weak. He doesn't necessarily attack Hamilton's game or his personality, but strikes him where it hurts most: His mask!

When Jackson was asked if he would wear anything protective after getting poked in the eye recently, he responded in typical amazing Stephen Jackson-esque fashion:

"No goggles. No, no, no. Never. I'm not going to be like Rip Hamilton, where my nose is broken eight years ago and I still wear a mask," said Jackson. "The only way I'll wear a patch is if my eye's closed. I'd rather stay with Captain Jack, not Pirate Jack."

Amazing. I want the last sentence on a corporate-style motivational poster. I give it a week or less before Captain Morgan finds a way to capitalize on this.

Colin Cowherd: THF Superfriend #2

This is Anubis Taylor and ESPN Radio's Colin Cowherd after what looks like a hard night of drinking, for Taylor especially (which it was). Whether or not his show is entertaining (it is) or you need a lobotomy to remove the part of your brain that repeats Cowherd saying Vizio over and over again in your head (I do), he is awesome for one thing above all else:

(Quote) Stephen A is a cool guy.

Nothing more needs to be said (Drop mic and exit stage right).

You Shouldn't Brag When Your Mascot Is The FTD Florist Guy

A Golden State Warrior boasting is a recipe for disaster.

People did indeed say these things, Monta Ellis, but how many of these things are now true? You aren't exactly a leader when someone can look at your Yahoo! profile and read, "Ellis is serving a 30-game suspension after sustaining a left ankle injury in an offseason moped accident." Leaders drive Harleys...followers use Segways and Mopeds.

Plus, the Warriors have come back to earth this year. They are 4-6 and already 4 games back in in their own division despite the fact that teams have only played 4 games. Honestly, there is nothing I like more than hearing a person boast egomaniacally in an ad and then watch as they fall from grace in a most spectacular fashion. Having a Golden State Warrior boast after one good year is like watching Gargamel celebrate after catching a Smurf...you know it's just going to get away from them in the end.

Now that I've said my piece, please enjoy the smooth listening sounds of someone who took the NBA on NBC song and made it sound like a video game. I love technology.

Ray Allen Is A Cheater, And Other Warm Sentiments From The Celtics

I stumbled across this video on Youtube while looking for the newest Watchmen trailer (how amazing does THAT movie look?), and have to say that it brightened my day. After seeing how completely laid back and ridiculous Hornets practices are, it came as no surprise to me that the Celtics don't seem to take themselves that seriously either (well...the non-KG members, that is). A little one-on-one with Gollum and Jesus Shuttlesworth is just what the doctor ordered. Have a good weekend, folks.

This Story Has Been Getting John Rogers Laid Every Night For 5 Years

That rumored video of a CEO beating Jordan in a 1-on-1 game at Jordan's Flight School has finally made it to the web thanks to the Wall Street Journal. CEO or not, this guy has carte blanche anywhere he goes now and if anyone ever gives him crap he can just say, "I beat MJ so F you!"

Donte Greene Thinks He Sees a Nipple

I'm not too sure what was going down at the opposite end of the court, but its obviously pleasing to Donte Greene's eyes. Maybe it's Megan Fox, Adrienne Bailon's tattooed ass, or maybe he is simply the last man on earth besides A-Rod that thinks Madonna's hot.

THF Welcomes New Sponsor: OnlineSeats.Com!

The Howeva Files is extremely proud to welcome sponsor OnlineSeats.Com!

We have been holding out a while now for a sponsor that worked well with our sports-related nature, and now you dear readers have a place to purchase game tickets from the site.  Just click on their link on our sidebar.  OnlineSeats.Com also sells a good number of Broadway show tickets, so if you are perusing our site and forget that it's your wife's anniversary/wife's birthday/wife's mother's birthday/forgot to pick your wife up from the bus station, you can remedy that with a swift click of your mouse.

We at THF are fiercely loyal to sponsors and fans, so we will get to work on those "Using Ticketmaster and StubHub depletes the O-Zone layer t-shirts".  In the meantime, feel free to peruse OnlineSeats.Com. 

Chris Kaman Calls Out The Mavs

It's rough to be an NBA team in this "win now" culture. -It's even tougher when you have some beastly creature calling you out.

That's right, your and my favorite supermodel Chris Kaman just told the Mavericks that their team isn't among the elite. To further stir the pot, Kaman claims that Dirk Nowitzki said he doesn't believe in the Mavs either. I am quite shocked at this whole development. -Not because the Mavs are being labelled an also-ran, but because this means that Kaman speaks. I always assumed him a quiet destructive force, like Frankenstein.

Normally, I would feign disinterest in this whole matter, but the Mavs are friend of the site Rick Carlisle's now. This throws any open mind I would have on a matter completely out of the window and almost makes me offended that anyone would question Rick's coaching. I would run into a burning building if Rick were inside and in trouble, for crissakes! (Note: I would not do this.) He's my BOY!

Eh, to tell the truth, I won't even have to do anything. Rick Carlisle is like Chuck Norris and the Bounty Paper Towel Guy all rolled into one, but with more firepower. Once you besmirch his name, you just open yourself a world of hurt. Nice knowing you, Kaman.

RICK SMASH!!!!

Wow...What A Completely Unscripted Youtube Moment.

By now a lot of you have seen the video with Carmelo Anthony cutting his hair because he lost a video game.  For those of you that haven't, here ya go:

I work in television, so I'm used to getting a lot of crap put in front of my face on a daily basis, and I can say that this is easily one of the most contrived and premeditated videos I've seen in a long time.  Carmelo has his hair out of its dreds while playing, seemingly ready for a haircut JUST IN CASE.  Also, and I suppose this is a smidgeon obvious, they had someone filming the damn thing with what looks like a pretty quality camera...just, you know, IN CASE he lost.  Furthermore, with female guest appearances and an amazingly clean apartment for a "Don't Snitch" young guy, this thing may as well have been shot on a sound stage.  I kept waiting for a boom mike to fall in from the top of the screen.

This, my dear friends, is one of the few shortcomings of Youtube.  Along with that annoying "Kobe jumping over a car" clip, people are starting to use the site as a means to put up "candid" videos that really just are put out by their PR people.  For the most part this sucks, so I call upon the NBA PR folks and agents to start putting out some FUNNY contrived Youtube clips.

My idea: Andrei Kirilenko doing a "complete spontaneous" lumberjack competition with fireworks and supermodels.  -And that idea is pro-bono, folks.  The rest will cost ya.

Happy 1000th Win, Gramps!

Jerry Sloan, the guy I REPEATEDLY pick to win coach of the year (and never does), just got his 1,000th win tonight. This makes me very happy as Jerry Sloan acts a lot like a kind grandfather-type guy to the press, and you almost want to give him a hug, a cardigan, and a bag of Werther's Original Butterscotch Candies.

I'm sure to his players he is a foul-mouthed, tempermental coach who is great at Xs and Os and doesn't really have much patience when it comes to mistakes, but who cares? At least on camera he sounds like something grandma would pat affectionately on the shoulder:




Listen to those good-natured chuckles. Someone get this guy a "my grandchildren love me" t-shirt, because dammit...we do.

Chicago Advances to Second Round of NBA Hair Championship

Overshadowing the individual efforts of Amare Stoudamire and Tony Parker last night was the Showdown of Chevelure between the Chicago Bulls and Cleveland Cavaliers. After both Joakim Noah and Anderson Varejao were carried off in a stretcher early in the third quarter when their locks got tangled together, Drew Gooden's mutton chops and wormy goatee took over and closed out the squad from the Mistake By The Lake.

The Knicks Have Won Their Second Game...Before January!

Yes, Knicks fans, your team is 2-2 with a win against the Bobcats tonight. I know there have been a decent amount of Knicks-centric posts around here lately, but when a team seems to actually be playing better and they happen to be something in ol' Isiah's wake, it is a MAJOR accomplishment.

The win came despite what can only be a "Quentin Richardson-esque" night from Quentin Richardson, with him shooting 1-9 with 6 turnovers. In my minds eye Q-Rich spent this game attempting to shoot with only his left hand, one eye closed, and Michelle Obama's dress on (ooh a political joke! I'm so topical!)

There are many potential reasons behind this turnaround, but as loyal reader Carrie points out, it all always comes back to Q-Tip:

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1287023185?bclid=1213892171&bctid=1890030605

You can imagine D'Antoni bobbing his head to this as he ignores Stephon Marbury's attempts to bribe him into a game with a pair of his shoes.

Knicks Sign God Shamgod Just To Screw With Marbury Some More

The ongoing soap opera that is the New York Knicks just got steamier as the franchise has doubled its efforts to make their head-tattooing, hometown hero and former all-star point guard, Stephon Marbury, bat-shit crazy by signing God Shamgod.

COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HOOOAH, Knicks president Donnie Walsh explained at a press conference while spitting out a tobacco-ravaged lung on the podium.

Marbury's agent later read a statement explaining that his client despite this latest setback continues to stand by his claim on Mike'd Up that he'll average "like 10 points. Like 12-13 dimes. Like 2-3 assists but he shoots to win because he shoots to win. Kudos to Isiah Thomas!"

How To Crapify Your Teams 101

Unless you are hiding under a rock (my apologies to Malcolm X, whom plymouth rock landed upon), you've heard that the Pistons and Nuggets struck a deal today. Yeppers, Allen Iverson is going to Detroit in exchange for Chauncey Billups, Antonio McDyess, and prospect Cheikh Samb. On a side note, Cheikh Samb is totally what I'm naming my first born child.

A lot of people are scratching their heads at this trade, wondering exactly how it will benefit either squad. Tonight, The Howeva Files proudly grades this trade by explaining precisely how it will help both teams: It won't.

Denver Nuggets grade: D

Despite getting some depth here in McDyess, the Nuggets just gave away their top scorer. Billups is great for assists, but who will Melo look to to bail his ass out points-wise when he decides to start clunking bricks off of the backboard? Better start lifting some weights, Anthony Carter.

To make matters worse, Denver fans are really losing faith in this Nuggets team and taking away the star power of Iverson in exchange for two lesser knowns will hit the ticket office. -Not at first, but eventually. Cue George Karl wearing a midriff with a blonde wig to get some publicity.

Detroit Pistons grade: F

I reeeeeeeally have to apologize in advance for this easy analogy, but like a car the Pistons have operated the past few years as a fine oiled machine. Every player fills his niche, which powers the engine to keep pounding out wins. Now they have disrupted the whole thing by chucking a big scorer on a team that spreads the wealth and prides itself on playing turnover-free basketball. You can almost see Flip Saunders laughing and blowing cigar smoke rings in the air between shifts of cleaning the aisles in a movie theater.

To make matters worse, McDyess is one of those guys who quietly contributes when you need him to. You can't have too many bench guys like that, and that will be felt when Rasheed decides to start bashing skulls when his adrenaline runs wild in the playoffs. You could tell that Joe Dumars was feeling some pressure to shake things up, and this was his best option. He should just thank his lucky stars no one had Stephon Marbury in any sort of deal or we'd have Skip Bayless trying to defend the poop end of THAT deal.

Both teams will make the playoffs, and like most teams that shake things up they both will experience success early, but over time this deal will find a way to make solid (or in the case of Denver- shaky) formulas worse. I just hope I'm there when Sheed realizes this and tears Iverson's head from his body. -If for nothing else to hear Marv Albert wax nostalgic about his bedroom proclivities.

All Hallows Eve....Uh, Eve...YAO STYLE

I'm a HUGE halloween dork, so I'm getting my outfit together for what should be a completely bezerk costume. I'm going to be an enormous toucan in a sailor outfit. The TV animation company I work for named a character after me that is a baby toucan, so it's not COMPLETELY random. Insert gay sailor/bird joke here.

Anyhoo, with me preparing like a madman, I sadly don't have much time to write tonight, so let's just take a look at my favorite play from the first full night of NBA action: Yao Ming showing the rest of the league that the Rockets may actually catch a lucky break or two this year



Happy soon-to-be-halloween, kiddies.

Poppovich Rocks

I wrote previously about Shaq badmouthing the Spurs and their Greek God-bearded coach for playing "Hack-A-Shaq" and hitting him throughout the game. Moments into the Spurs-Suns game, this happened. I LOVE Poppovich.

New Look Clippers Dazzle

I hate boring, annoying sports article titles like the one above, so that's why I chose to sarcastically use it to describe the Clippers' bitch-slapping by the Lakers tonight.

At the time of me writing this, it's 101-68 Lakers. By clicking on this link, you'll be able to see the final score, which will have the Lakers beating the Clips somewhere in the neighborhood of 200-70. I think it is fair to say, after watching this team tonight, that the Clippers are doomed for another season of mediocrity. Any team that hinges its success on the health of Baron Davis is pretty much screwed, and with Marcus Camby out another injury means them possibly scoring negative points.

I'm not one to talk, with my Magic losing to the Hawks tonight by 14, but having watched all of the teams closely thus far this season the Clippers win my "Craptacular start to the season award".

Nothing Says "NBA Opening Night" Like Some HOT MILWAUKEE BUCKS ACTION!

The NBA began games tonight with the usual band of playoff and ratings-centric teams:

-The Celtics, America's "Hey you can bandwagon Boston basketball too!" team

-The Cavs, a team no one will care about once Lebron leaves...but everyone loves now. Jot down these fans' names now and see who they're rooting for in 7 years.

-The Bulls, a team with the #1 overall pick in Derrick "Poodini" Rose.

-The Blazers, otherwise known as the squad of players who should all be gelling and getting a championship together any day now...yup, any day now.

-The Lakers, everyone in the world's pick for 2008-2009 champion. It's all about the Radmanovic.

Somewhere lost in this bombastic group is the Milwaukee Bucks. They have Richard Jefferson now! Let's see what Luke Ridnour does! Lets...man, I can't even continue. You know all you're going to do is stare at Charlie Villanueva's Young Frankenstein-esque brow and try to say "Luc Richard Mbah A Moute" three times fast. On the bright side, they are playing the Bulls, who might need some time to get used to Derrick Rose and...actually, wow, they already lost.

I envision David Stern shooting an angry look across a conference table, and an executive stammering out, "I-I thought the Bucks would be a good idea! Get some of that Packers fanbase into the NBA!" before getting dumped out of his chair into a pit of fire like in Austin Powers.

Every So Often Politics Interest Me

In choosing a presidential candidate, I look for a few things:

1) Which has the best set of teeth? (Advantage: Obama)

2) Who, if I were to ask, "Could you do me a favor? When you're at the supermarket, pick me up some beef jerky?"...would be a pal and do it? (Advantage: McCain)

3) Who doesn't smell like old cats? (Advantage: Obama)

4) Who wouldn't look at me smugly when I spoke with them, all the time thinking, "I have WAY more money than this guy". Note: They only think they do. (Advantage: Neither)

5) Who has lived a crazy life that was more like a chapter from Motley Crue's biography The Dirt than reality? (Advantage: McCain)

One thing I didn't take into account on previous elections was ability to ball on the court. In this case, Obama might be very well getting my vote. Before you start claiming I'm a New Yorker, so Obama is going to win my damn state so my vote doesn't matter (you are right...it's actually rather pointless to vote this time around), let me tell you about the abilities of Obama on the court: Apparently he is so badass that he has no problem trash talking to NBA players. According to overpaid Knicks player (there is a phrase you hear every two seconds) Chris Duhon:

He would say " 'You can't guard me!' Just random talk," Duhon added. "He knows the game. He's like a point guard out there, and so he's always telling guys where to go, what to do, very vocal."

This is an awesome mental image. Not only the fact that we have a presidential candidate that can play basketball well, but also the fact that he appears to have the knowledge necessary to treat the Knicks like the joke they are. That might have sounded a little harsh, but these are harsh times, sister.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Nets

Slow news day. Cheerleader time.

I grew up in New Jersey (Flashes Hackettstown Gang Sign, which resembles a man tipping over a cow), so I have a soft spot in my heart for the Nets. That soft spot is held primarily by the pity I felt for them growing up as I would walk by their merchandise shops and see the jerseys of their "stars" belonged to Derrick Coleman and Yinka Dare. Eesh.

What they don't have in consistently entertaining basketball, the Nets make up for in dancers. Every dancer in the tri-state area that was unwilling to sleep with Isiah Thomas or scarf down philly cheesesteaks with Andy Reid-esque fat guys got booted to New Jersey, so many fans are treated to some great cheerleaders. Sure, they may be terrorized by an A.D.D. patient in Vince Carter, but that is a small price to pay to not have Stephon Marbury offering you tours of the inside of his car.

Yet Another Great Year Awaits You, Bobcats Fans!

Looking at the Charlotte Bobcats this season, one thing is evident: Sarah Palin will undoubtedly cost John McCain this election.

Crap, I have to stop watching CNN while I type. What I meant to say is that it is evident that this is going to be another looooooong season for the Bobcats and their fans. They are a whopping 0-7 in preseason play, and while I admit that preseason games don't matter that much, at least it is a good barometer for the all around abilities on a team.

This is odd, as the Bobcats have a good amount of talent on their team. You think of names like Okafor, Gerald Wallace, Jason Richardson, Raymond Felton and Sean May and it seems odd that this team can't pull it together. Then reality sets in. You realize that the team is run by Michael "Air/Drive your franchise into the ground" Jordan, has people like Nazr "19 pump fakes per shot" Mohammed in the starting lineup, drafted Adam Morrison (who isn't even LISTED on the team's depth chart on Yahoo!...thanks Larry Brown!), and considers Matt Carroll a KEY part of the team, and you see where it falls apart.

There is only one more shot for this Bobcats team to win this preseason: Thursday against the Lakers. We will be watching that game closely. I can't think of a more demoralizing thing than going winless in the preseason, short of talking nonstop of your children while you cost John McCain the damn election...CRAP! I have to change the channel.

This "Rose" Kid Apparently Is Pretty Good...Wait, What's That On His Arm?

Tonight Derrick Rose played some substantial minutes, 37 to be exact, and put up some quality numbers: 30 points on 13-18 shooting and 7 assists. This helped the Bulls beat the Mavericks, a team that you just look at now and shake your head with pity. Seriously, I am not quite sure whether to have a sit-down meeting with every Mavericks fan reading this and say, "I'm sorry...you had your shot. It's time to invest all of your effort into the Cowboys and Stars for a while until this roster is gutted. Now go to the bar and have some shots with JR Ewing."

This begs the question, what is the source of Derrick Rose's strength? Athletic ability? Steroids? Bud Light Lime? No, dear reader, I believe that Derrick Rose has made a deal with a powerful sorcerer named "Poodini". How else do you explain this tattoo he has?

While this is a bizarre tattoo, I firmly believe that "Poodini" is a FANTASTIC name for a plumber. If you are in the bathroom, your toilet clogs, and you look down at the mess and say to yourself, "Wow...I wish there was somebody who could come here and just make this whole mess disappear!" Now you know who you are going to call: Derrick Rose.

Women Fighting Kicks Ass

I'll be honest, there were some actual NBA news stories today...and I had no interest in writing about any of them. Call it getting back into the swing of actual "news" instead of the nonsensical drivel that I love...or perhaps just call it not wanting to report on Baron Davis' weekly injuries. Either way, I just wanted to report on something fun and found this.

This is a tad dated (from July of 2008), but if you are like me you have absolutely no knowledge or interest in the WNBA so this will be new to you. I was talking to one of my friends about how I want to write a "Best NBA Fights" story, and he told me that this one WNBA fight made the participants in NBA fights look like pansies. Apparently all hell broke loose in a game a while back and women were attacking each other with the savagery that can only come from repeated testosterone injections (seriously...LOOK at these "ladies". There is no genetic explanation for looking that muscular.)

Well, taking a look for myself, I have to agree with my friend. These she-devils are simply nuts. My only regret in watching this is that these females were not in any way feminine and were wearing jerseys instead of "I (heart) Black and Blue Jor" g-strings. I really have to get on the ball with mass-marketing those.

Anyhoo, enjoy:

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Suns

With the NBA season coming quick, it's rare lately that you look on the internet and there is zilch.

Today is such a day.

As regular readers of The Howeva Files know, this is not a bad thing as we use this time to take a look at some of the most interesting physics and quantum mathematics equations ever. -By this I mean that we stare at NBA team dancers.

For today's dancers we go to a place that spelling-wise should really be called "Fo-enix"...Phoenix. With Shaq talking a lot, it's been two straight Suns entries in a row for yours truly, something Dan Majerle would appreciate (HIS name sounds nothing like the way it is spelled too!) I have some in-law family that lives in Arizona, and all I keep hearing about is that it is "a dry heat" that permeates the land. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but I can only assume it sucks to be stuck next to a guy with no deoderant there.

Anyways, here are some cheerleaders for you, you silly geese.