Monday, May 19, 2008

Crap...NOW Who Do You Root For, America?

As I write this, the Spurs are currently beating the Hornets late in the 3rd Quarter by 13 points, and are looking like shoe-ins to return to their zillionth consecutive conference championship. I blame Morris Peterson's ice cubes:

This is rough news for the many NBA fans hoping that a cinderella-esque team would win the championship this year. Yes, yes, the Hornets had the best record during the regular season this past year, but no one can deny that they were truly the underdogs in their series with the former champs.

This leaves us with a dubious list of remaining teams (my apologies in advance if you are a fan of one of them):

The San Antonio Spurs: This team winning yet another championship would likely make David Stern put a gun in his mouth. The NBA Championship has had some of its lowest numbers with this rather boring-yet-spectacular team, and them winning yet another would help keep the collective eyes of the public away from the NBA in an exciting sports year in which the Giants upset the Patriots and the Rockies made a cinderella World Series appearance. After such an exciting NBA season, seeing this team winning it all would be like getting a brand new state-of-the-art television only to realize that the only thing that can play on it are reruns of The View. You can squint all you want, but it's still Barbara Walters creepily talking about having an affair with a congressman (shivers uncontrollably).

The Los Angeles Lakers: I don't deny that the idea of groupies flocking to an ogre like Pau Gasol is a fun image, but to see this team win would make most NBA fans' stomachs turn. Why? After an offseason filled with whining about his team, calling Andrew Bynum names, demanding a trade, firing at Mitch Kupchak, and then completely acting like a hypocrite by embracing the team once they got good, Kobe Bryant would be one of the least likable Finals MVPs in the history of sports. He could only be less likable if he were to kill babies at midcourt and agree to star in a romantic comedy with Ashton Kutcher. Toss in the fact that Jordan Farmar would have exactly one more NBA championship than you and you can officially start believing that life isn't fair.

The Detroit Pistons: Many could argue that this team is actually the most boring team instead of San Antonio. -At least the Spurs have Manu Ginobili crashing into people a few times a game in a theatric fashion. Sheed has calmed down, Billups' trash talking is less than ever, and the have Antonio McDyess for chrissakes...a guy who I am convinced is a stone statue come to life (barely). The only person who make this team in any way exciting to watch is 55 lb Tayshaun Prince, who blocks shots like crazy. I firmly believe he does this by allowing the wind to carry his thin frame around the room like a shipmast. On the plus side: Flip Saunders might completely open his eyes if this team wins it all.

The Boston Celtics: I got such crap for liking the Florida Marlins when they bought a championship in 1997. -At least the Marlins had about half of their team come from their farm system. Enter the team that purchased the best record in the league, making every Boston fan suddenly remember they liked the Celtics so fast that they got bandwagon splinters. Hoping this team wins it all goes hand in hand with hoping for nonstop "my team is the greatest ever" columns from Bill Simmons, something only a person who hasn't been subjected to Simmons' "all-New-England sports columns"could ask for. They say every time a bell rings, Bill Simmons writes an anecdote about his father and him talking about Boston teams. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a Boston fan next to you saying, "The Pats get bam-BOO-zelled by tha refs, but Kay-Gee and my boys brought tha title to BEAN-TOWN!" Neither do I. The Patriots losing that Super Bowl was all that me and other non-Boston fans who went to college in New England had. where does that leave us? Who in the world do we root for? Looking at that list, it's like deciding which type of rare disease you want to catch from a mosquito while traveling overseas (Lakers = elephantitis). Right now, the wounds from the likable Magic, Hornets, Jazz, and Cavs are too fresh to make a choice, but hopefully someone emerges soon.*

*The Pistons officially become my choice the moment "old Sheed" comes back and starts clawing at refs faces and screaming when doused with holy water. Sadly, those days are likely a thing of the past.

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