Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Celtics

"Brian Skinner to sign with the Clippers" is the top news story of the day.

You know what that means, right? CHEERLEADERS.

This week we take a look at the champs, the Boston Celtics. Specifically, we take a look at these two: Look at those smiles. Truly, being an NBA cheerleader is a profession you can brag to your high school friends about and bring up at thanksgiving dinner. In fact, you tell people, "Hey, google 'Boston Celtics Cheerleader' and you'll see me up there. I even have my rump turned suggestively to the camera lens! Isn't that funny, grandma?"

Well, imagine ol' granny's expression when she googles "Boston Celtics Cheerleader", your image comes up...and it happens to be in this golden nugget of photographic genius:

Someone give this guy an award. The fact that the cameraman/camerawoman had the insight to scoot the frame over ever-so-slightly to include him makes it even better. -For this, you see, isn't as much a great photo as it is a metaphoric representation of the Boston sports bar world, where amidst your "Yankees wicked SUCK!" and "Knock Eli's block off, Broooooski!" you can still have a good time.

You can almost imagine Sam Adams doing a similar gesture to this guy during the Boston Tea Party. God bless America.

New Uniform Time! Huzzah!

Today three teams unveiled their new uniforms for the upcoming season. -Well, they didn't so much UNVEIL them as a ton of internet fanboys and fangirls found internet photos of rookie photo shoots in which the NBA made the players be in the uniforms they would be wearing this upcoming season. Only the Orlando Magic seemed to get away from it without revealing the full monty, saving it for later.

So let's take a look, shall we?

Sacramento Kings

Hmm...not really all that much different here. With the black collar and lack of anything near the shoulder area, this sorta looks like one of those cheap t-shirt jerseys that you can get at Sports Authority, Modells, and other sporting goods stores. This jersey is really more of a metaphor for how the Maloofs and those within the Kings organization are treating the team as of late: "We really don't give a crap about the team...so just toss some generic product out there and call it 'New and Improved'". I maintain my sympathy for Kings fans who are watching their team once again plummet to the depths after a really successful run during the Divac days.

Minnesota Timberwolves

The team scored some points for the new logo they unveiled, even if it was a carbon copy of the Mavericks logo, but this...well THIS is just friggin' awful. Look at that name font. Look at that drab color. For heaven's sake, LOOK AT THAT COLLAR! If there was ever a mish-mash of Kevin McHale's insanity, this is it. I was hoping they would keep the pine trees, as it was a rather creative and original idea to have them on the jersey in the first place, but they are somehow partitioned off to the sides of the collar. The only thing that could possibly make this sillier is if the jersey was modelled by some out of shape guy who is staring down the camera like a creepy outtake from "Deliverance". Someone get Kevin Love on the phone, stat!

Orlando Magic

We're only getting a look at the tippy-top of this jersey since the team is keeping it a secret until a former unveiling, but already America can see into the future: These new Magic jerseys are going to look a bit weird. It looks like Magic rookie Courtney Lee had a zipper on the front of his jersey and pulled it down, as if to say, "Take a look at my manly chest hair." Now imagine an entire TEAM of people looking like they are showing off their chest hair (especially hairy folks like Turkoglu) and you have what will either be the ugliest collection of jerseys or the best retro disco-era jersey of all time. As a Magic fan, I'm hoping for the latter. If they replace the basketball in the Magic logo with a disco ball, consider me sold.

Who's That Person Rocketing Into The Stands?

Oh what a delightful title pun.

Yes, yes...Ron-Ron Artest looks headed off to Houston in exchange for a 1st round pick, Bobby Jackson, and promising rookie Donte Green. This makes both the Kings and Rockets happy, as the Rockets get a promising all-star defender and the Kings get...well...an assurance that they will not be on ESPN for at least a year (their biggest "star" is either Kevin Martin or the Sacramento squawfish) Someone needs to call the Maloofs and tell them that something actually happened with the team they own while they sip on Appletinis with strippers in a jacuzzi.

This makes for quite an interesting roster for the Rockets:

PG: Streetball star Rafer Alston
SG: Tracy "Doctor Says I need a back-eotomy" McGrady
SF: Ron-Ron...nuff said.
PF: Antonio Banderas (Now going by the name "Luis Scola")
C: Yao, the filthiest mouth in the NBA

Not to mention our favorite player...I will use this random drunk guy in Vegas to remind us of his name:



If that roster doesn't sell some basketball tickets, it will DEFINITELY sell some circus tickets.

Bay Area Citizens Now Forced To Clutch Onto Their Laptops

When I moved to Brooklyn in the summer of 2006 I was a pessimistic and non-committal Celtics fan. I had already endured sometimes mediocre, but mostly laughable pro basketball for 10+ years from the only team on TV in Connecticut and once I had settled into my new digs, my allegiance was up for sale. BBJ was adamant that I make the switch over to the Nets, yet I was still intrigued by the possibility that the Celts would secure UConn star point, Marcus Williams, and the second-coming of Bill Russell in Greg Oden over the next two drafts.

On the evening of the '06 draft, Jor and Rantin' John were waiting for me as I raced up the stairs to Jor's apartment to find out the picks I had missed while stuck on the platform waiting for the L train (a rite of passage for all Brooklyn hipsters).

"You traded for Telfair" was all it took for me to collapse to the floor in anguish.

As the remaining picks unfolded (hilariously, might I remind you that this was the draft that included MJ's pick of Morrison, Jor's assurance to commit hari kari if the Magic picked JJ Redick, Rudy Gay's watch, Balkman- inspired riots, Saer Sene, and McHale getting congratulated for picking the can't-miss Brandon Roy THEN trading him away) I saw Marcus land on the doorstep of the Nets. All of pro ball's experts and ESPN's haircuts said this was a draft day steal and that Danny Ainge was an idiot. I agreed and the soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets had one new fan.

Flash forward to today, the Celtics are world champs and Marcus Williams is exiled from the Nets and is now trying to fill in the vacated point guard spot left by Baron Davis. Not that I'm bitter, but WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?! At this point, I'm confidant that I won't have to worry that my laptop will go missing whenever I go away for a long weekend, but am not in regards to the future of Williams' career. Maybe Nets coach, Lawrence Frank's disgust for Marcus was ill-founded and Williams will blossom out west under the legendary Don Nelson, but it seems more likely that all the GMs who passed on him, including Ainge, actually knew what they were doing back on June 28, 2006.

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Kings

Not much of note going on today in the NBA, with the exception of the Monta Ellis resigning with the Warriors, which means it's cheerleader time again.

Today we pay homage to the Sacramento Kings cheerleaders, specificially the awesome ones who posed in these bezerk photos earlier this year. These ladies are intelligent enough to know that when you have to party and take questionable, widely circulated, borderline pornographic images, it is always a good idea to do so while wearing the name of your employer across your chest. Always.

Bobby Brown Gets NBA Contract...Who Will Give Whitney Drugs?

Sorry, sorry, sorry. The Bobby Brown that got an NBA guaranteed contract is actually a different Bobby Brown. That, kids, is what we writers call a "hook". It is somewhere in the writing thesaurus next to the word "shameless".

The OTHER Bobby Brown was signed today by the Kings after destroying other guards in the summer league like Mike Conley and DJ Augustin. The growing buzz surrounding his game even made the evil Europeans take notice, with both Maccabi Tel-Aviv and Barcelona (my honeymoon spot) trying to sign him. -Damn my greedy honeymoon spot.

The signing of Brown by the Kings, in my opinion, is further proof of the existence of God. Who else would be able to conceive of an NBA lineup that would be comprised of both Ron Artest and Bobby Brown? That's like a "meteoric fall from grace" hall of fame. Add Mike Tyson to that lineup and you have comedic gold. Yes...yes, once again it is not the same Bobby Brown...I know...but it's just so damn fun to SAY!

Congrats to Bobby Brown on getting a lucrative deal. I leave you with a fine selection from the other Bobby Brown's library. 'Tis a fine musical contemplation on the romance that surrounds us and binds us in the world...entitled "Humpin' Around". Enjoy:

Barkley Plays God...Actually Pretty Nice About It

We all know that Charles Barkley loves to chuck his hard-earned money down the toilet, what with him losing comical amounts of money to a not-so-comical gambling addiction.

Well, now that Sir Charles has gone cold turkey from gambling, what incinerator-like apparatus will he throw his money into? Turns out it is a busboy.

Alright, I admit, that last sentence probably sounded a little suggestive, but America's favorite NBA analyst/Deodorant spokesman actually seems to be doing something really nice here by offering to pick up the college tuition of a busboy at a restaurant he frequents. -Granted, when Barkley gives an generous offer such as this one, apparently he still has to act like God when he does it:

Barkley didn't give him much time, telling Abate that he had the length of Barkley's meal to decide. Abate wisely accepted.

Ah who am I kidding? If I had money like Barkley does I would be way worse than that about it. People would dance, yes DANCE, for my money. Then I would do crazy things like force the Cleveland Browns to actually get a logo. If they failed to comply, I'm shipping them straight to Baltimore again!

Top Gamewinners Of The Season

This video from NBA TV has been making it around the internet as...well...people like game winning shots. I figured, "Hey, it's Monday. You have a long week ahead of ya, and you need some smiles." We all know nothing spells "smile" like the vision of a bearded Scot Pollard running onto the court to congratulate Ray Allen like some sort of neo-Grizzly Adams:


I'm amazed that Durant clip wasn't #1. That shot just made everyone in America shake their heads in confused admiration. Of all the clips, #5 has a special place in my heart simply for that sound of celebration that the announcer makes. It's like a half-shriek, half falling-to-his-death sound. I can only hope that I can inspire shrieks like that from the ladies when I show them my mad Scattegories skillz.

Oklahoma City Thunder? A City Sighs Apathetically

Rumors are swirling that the NBA Oklahoma City team is going to be named the "Thunder", leaving those with thunder-thighs to be consistently reminded of their condition.

There has been a long and proud long tradition of teams with the name "Thunder". These are including, but not limited to:

The Berlin Thunder European NFL Team

Claim To Fame: You can play as them in Madden when you are REALLY bored.

Logo Choice: A mallet rotating in space. USSR logo fans cry copycat!

Coolness Factor (out of 10): 5. The mallet scores points with Super Mario Hammer Bros. fans.

The Orlando Thunder World League Football Team

Claim To Fame: A team in one of the least successful football leagues...ever.

Logo Choice: Pretty clouds with a lightning bolt. Could be on a shirt at Gymboree.

Coolness Factor (out of 10): 3. Nothing scary about this football team. White facemasks?

Minnesota Thunder Soccer Team

Claim To Fame: Soccer team at some point before MLS started. Whoopee!

Logo Choice: A soccer ball. Was that really the best they could do?

Coolness Factor (out of 10): 1. I just threw up in my mouth.


About 8 Million Minor League Baseball/Softball Teams.

Claim To Fame: Baseball takes any boring team name and exploits it. This is no exception.

Logo Choice: Lightning bolts of various sizes. Just don't get the thunder/lightning distinction.

Coolness Factor (out of 10): 0. Just unbearable.


Wow, if this is any indication, the OKC Thunder are in great company and are sure to prosper for a number of years. Actually...they have been already, as a World League Football team. Wow! Who would have thunk that the Orlando Thunder moved and the NBA blatantly ripped off their name? Things are looking up, Mr. Stern!

Slow News Day Cheerleader Of The Day: Lakers

Nothing really to report in the world of the NBA today, so it's time to view some NBA cheerleaders again. For today's edition we go to La-La land, exactly where I will be mentally this weekend.

Happy viewing to all you Batman fans out there, and when you get a chance make sure you check out the coolest-est movie trailer around. Have a great weekend!