The Shinns: Keeping The Scene Alive

Meet George Shinn.

It takes a lot to be the most reviled owner in the NBA. First you need to become the hometown hero who builds a new franchise from the ground up in a relatively small, yet enthusiastic city. Together with the fans, you overcome the nationwide pessimism ("The only franchise Charlotte is going to get is one with golden arches") and become one of the hottest tickets in the country, selling out 358 consecutive games.

Then you blow it. Unwilling to pay fair market value, you trade away your most popular players including future hall of famer Alonzo Mourning. Even worse, your trade for a center who likely wreaks of cigarettes blows up in your face when Kobe Bryant teams up with some large fat man, whose name escapes me at the moment, who go on to dominate and embarrass your league. Speaking of embarrassing, you were charged with pulling a Kobe of your own, which you were lucky to fight off in court. Quickly, you're run out of town to a city that cannot support a team that plays 41 home games a season leaving everyone screaming for you to sell.

If you can't be proud of your career as an NBA owner, at least you can be proud of your pistol-toting rockstar son, Chris. Don't let the gun fool you, the music is actually not all that daring. His career peaked when he teamed up with former members of Blind Mellon and Pearl Jam in '98, which was about 7 years too late to be relevant. Currently you can find Chris living in LA, fronting his new band Everything Is Energy, and doing whatever the hell he's doing in this video below.



Chris' bio from the Everything Is Energy begins as such:

“I was sitting between my mom and dad on the front seat on our way to dinner. The eight track was playing Bruce Springsteen and at one point, I laid into this massive air guitar solo. Seeing my enthusiasm, mom turned down the radio and asked me if I wanted to be a rockstar. I didn’t know that I could choose anything besides being a policeman or fireman. I was five.” -Chris Shinn

Everything Is Energy is a band that is born of a man that has been through hell. Which is odd, because they sound like the ocean, flecked with gold dust straight from the angels’ afros. The band is at once rhythmic and churning with a dynamic that supports Chris Shinn’s channeling of Gabriel... the angel, not Peter.

Wow, I know it might be embarrassing to have grown up as George Shinn's child, but saying that he's "been through hell" is a bit much, right? Need I show you his dad's boat that he rides in?!?!?! And I'm pretty sure that if you grew up in hell, your band would sound more like Slayer and less like an even whinier 30 Seconds To Mars. But I'm stopping myself from making any more judgments until later since I'm hearing news that a whole new album is in the works! Rock on Chris, keep the scene alive!

POOKIE DON'T!

Today 11 wins became enough for the Miami Heat. Dwayne Wade's 2008 campaign came to a close this afternoon, as he's decided to undergo therapy for his knee that will sideline him for the rest of the year. According to Wade, he's been feeling pain just getting out of bed, and had no intention of cutting back his minutes, so this was the next logical, and expected step that the '06 Finals MVP would take.

"I'm just trying to get ready to opt out stay positive right now," Heat forward Shawn Marion said. "All you can do, really."

Stay positive, Matrix, stay positive. D-Wade is supposed to have OssaTron treatment, which sounds like a drink that a Transformer would drink while enjoying one of Rigel 7's private holobeaches, but is really some very sophisticated form of shock wave therapy. As a matter of fact, it's so sophisticated, that apparently you go through about 30 minutes of it, then you can't train for 30 days. Wade will be able participate in "passive exercise", which is limited to light activity such as swimming or bicycling.

The good news is that Pookie wants to participate in Olympic basketball, which is a promising notion for Heat fans since he will be rehabbing as best as he possibly can to get in shape to play with those guys in August. Really, I rate this injury about a 5. It was pretty much known something like this was going to happen by now anyway. Pookie likes being hurt, I'm convinced of it. I like his style though, getting paid to get shot in the knee with painful shock waves is my bag too. This is a good thing Miami, the Beasley Bus is coming, HOP ON!

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of March 10-15

Gotta apologize for the lack of output the last week, but the flu is a bitch. Seriously, I feel and look like this. As I was drifting in and out of consciousness on the couch yesterday it occurred to me that I still couldn't be happier because football and baseball are out of season, leaving nothing but basketball to dominate the airwaves. Also, Elisha Cuthbert helps too.

Without further ado, here's the top three games of the week!

3) Robert Johnsons at Rockets (Friday, March 14th)

I don't think Houston has realized that it is not supposed to win anymore and that Tracy McGrady should be whining about taking time off to deal with his feelings again. They'll likely be riding a surreal 20-game win streak coming into Friday. Currently, the Robert Johnsons (aka BOBcats) are on a 5-game win streak of their own after giving more playing time to younger players who give a damn. Something has got to give.

2) Warriors at Suns (Thursday, March 13th, TNT)

After yesterday's win, everyone's quickly saying that the acquisition of Shaq isn't looking so bad after all. All that talk will go to hell after this game. Either Shaq's going to relegated to the bench or his fat ass will be lumbering minutes behind every play. Phoenix runs its offense quickly, but the backcourt of Baron Davis and Monte Ellis is even quicker. The Warriors are certainly gearing up for another post-season run after winning 6 of their last 7. Depending on your perspective and rooting interests, this will be a car crash or a delight.


1) Spurs at Hornets (Wednesday, March 12th)

As evidenced by losses against Washington and Houston, the Hornets have been sputtering since David West went down with a sprained ankle. West is scheduled to return on Wednesday and the team is hoping to regain its rhythm before they end up with a crappy seeding. Too bad their up against Manu, the best player ever to wear braces.

Yet Another One Of THOSE Videos

After my thanks to the NBA for their fantastic slogan, I figured I was done with these spoof clips. I was sent one today that made me smile, so the saga continues. Enjoy:

Tantrum 101

David Harrison isn't exactly a household name. -Heck, it isn't even probably a household name in his house. Still, I had to give a big THF tip o' the hat to him last night for the epic tantrum he threw in the game against the Spurs. A good tantrum deserves at least a golf clap in my opinion.

Harrison was hit in the face accidentally by the Spurs' Matt Bonner late in the game, for which Bonner drew an offensive foul...That was all that was necessary...and then the real show began. Ladies and gents, take out your popcorn.

Harrison, who apparently has a long history of emotional outburts, was set off like a rocket in flight (afternoon deliiiight). He started yelling and gesturing like a wild man, spit flying and arms gesturing. Even after the play ended, the other guys on the Pacers just kept their eyes on him to make sure he wouldn't start speaking in tongues and murdering babies. Harrison then told an official something to the effect of "You better watch out, because I'm going to beat the life out of Bonner" and was immediately hit with a technical foul for the honesty/threat. Wow, David! Who would have thought telling an explicit threat to an NBA ref would result in a penalty?

As if it couldn't get any better, Pacers coach Jim O'Brien had seen enough and told Harrison to leave the floor. Realizing his chance to decapitate Bonner had passed, Harrison started yelling from the bench at Bonner and was held back by Troy Murphy and Jamaal Tinsley. He went to the locker room shortly afterwards, where we can only assume anyone named "Matt" who came into contact with him was royally messed up.

I'm not one to promote this sort of behavior, but I AM a big fan of anything that allows fans the opportunity to yell funny things to the players on the court. This fills that bill. Plus, I too have in fact been tossed from many a scrabble tournament for similar actions. The word "sequoia" on a triple word score?! Kiss my ass!

David Harrison, you may be a virtual nobody in the NBA, but to me and the multiple demons you have swirling around in your head you are a hero. Thank you.

Blog Roundup Time: JJ Redick Making His "I'm Too Good For This" Face And More!

Tonight we begin what will be a weekly glance at the best basketball-related articles out there.  In short, it's our chance to point you in the direction of some sites that don't completely suck (we make no promises about our own site).  Without any further ado, here's the best the web has to offer:

-Van Gundy Is A Model. Don't Tell Us You Didn't See It Coming (The Sports Hernia)

-MSG Proves Why It Has Flawless Programming...Check Out The Hornets' City (Basketbawful)

-JJ Redick Pissed Off On The Bench Makes Us Smile (Bold N' Blue)

-Everything You Wanted To Know About The D-League, But Were Afraid To Ask (Hardwood Paroxysm)

-Trouble In SonicLand (True Hoop)

-The Best Article Ever Written...Oh Wait...That's Us (Deadspin)

Our apologies on that last one.  We couldn't resist.  Tonight is Houston vs Dallas, so get thee to TNT to watch.

Oh Yeah...This Sounds Like A GREAT Idea!

If I were to break my foot, and my career and millions and millions of dollars rested upon it healing correctly, what would I want to do?

You guessed it: I'd get massages and consume wheelbarrows full of Ginseng!

I bring this up because one person who apparently is following this line of thinking is Yao Ming, who (following surgery) will reportedly use traditional Chinese healing methods. Not rehab. Not high-tech medicines and machines. T-Mac's "IT'S ON ME!" speech may as well just play on loop during Rockets games from here on out.

This is big business for the Chinese government (who love to give free press to things it exports), and big-time armpit sweat stains under Rockets management. I imagine a Rockets front office guy, wearing a cowboy hat and a giant foam "We're #1" finger, hearing this and yelling, "Accu-what? Accu-PUNCTURE?! They stick NEEDLES in yer FACE? Aww helllllll no!" Let the record state this is what I envision everyone in Texas looks like, which I will believe until proven otherwise.

I know, I know...many of you fancypants new-wave people will be quick to point out the healing abilities of Chinese medicine. To these people I say that you haven't popped your heads into the same shops in Chinatown as me apparently. Here is a typical photo of one of the products for sale in a traditional Chinese market in Chinatown:

How would you like to see that on your physician's table, next to the tongue depressors? Looks like somebody tried a get-rich-quick "brain in a water cooler" scheme. I must have missed that Kool-Aid flavor as a kid.

Here's another traditional Chinese medicine medicine. I'm not joking on this one either:

Yep, dried whole baby turtles. Isn't that what Mary Poppins sang you'd need a spoonful of sugar to help go down? Somewhere Splinter getting his ass kicked by the Foot Clan with no backup.

Yao might not be using these particular medicinal solutions, but the possibility of them should make TMac worry enough to even have his eyes face in the same direction. All things considered, we're wishing Yao a safe recovery. Watercoolers of brains for everyone!

All Things Birdman All The Time

With the reinstatement of exiled skywalker, Chris Andersen, so comes a guaranteed championship for the fan-starved New Orleans Hornets.

Too much?

Sorry, but I'm packing a half-chub right now knowing that my patience for his two year ban to end has been rewarded. Witness my recent drooling:

[He's] an NBDL alum who soared his way into the hearts of fans in Denver and later New Orleans with his high flying act of dunks, blocks, rebounds and awe-inspiring hair. Think of a hyperkinetic, athletic and bat shit crazy Anderson Varejao.

With the Western Conference now even more loaded after the monumental trades by the Lakers, Mavs and Suns, the surprising Hornets probably don't stand much of a chance for a title, but Andersen's signing could, at best, strengthen the wafer-thin frontcourt and bring 10 more fans out to home games.

OK, maybe 2 more...but Birdman's back!

We Tell You What To Watch: Week of March 3-9

Lots of fun games coming up this week, and with our fancy new shortened name, we figured there was no better time to break out a new weekly staple: WE TELL YOU WHAT TO WATCH. We'll begin every week with a glance at the top 3 games to watch and their oh-so-fun storylines. It's sort of like the Sporting News' "On Deck" Column, but with less actual info and more photos of Megan Fox (Maxim says she can only cook Hot Pockets and Eggo Waffles. HOT!)

Without any futher ado, here's our top 3 for this week:

3) Cavs at Knicks (Wednesday March 5th):

Knicks to Stephon: "-AND NEVER COME BACK!...So, uh, you coming to tonight's game?"

Remember that crazy ban the Knicks put on Stephon Marbury last Friday? Yep, 'tis gone. The Knicks invited the guard to their home game on Monday with super short notice, and Isiah actually ran away when asked if there were any restrictions on what Marbury could say. We figure this time around Marbury will have some time to actually show up, and will probably drop some f-bombs for the kids. Anything that happens on the court is just icing on the cake.

2) Rockets at Mavs (Thursday March 6th, TNT):

Assuming they beat the hapless Pacers on Wednesday night (we'll go out on a limb and say they win it unless Travis Diener starts...the man is 87 pounds of pure fury), the Rockets will be looking to extend their winning streak to 17 games when they face the Mavs. This game will probably break some sort of record for amount of times a guy's injury is mentioned. We suggest you watch it on mute, folks.

1) GAME OF THE WEEK: Spurs at Suns (Sunday March 9th, ABC):

This game will be sort of like a limbo contest because at this point it's all about "How low will the Suns go?!" I'd be more proud to say that I called Steve Kerr singlehandedly ruining the Suns chances at a championship if every other person on the planet didn't silently predict the same thing. Notice to NBA owners: former players do not equal smart businessmen. These people buy cars with night vision as investments!

MUST MISS OF THE WEEK: Bobcats at Timberwolves (Tuesday, March 4th):

The Bobcats are 4-22 on the road. The Wolves are 12-46 TOTAL. Something's gotta give. -We think it will be our stomachs.

Update Your Bookmarks: We're Now TheHowevaFiles.Com!

We have an announcement that should have come a long time ago, but frankly we are a collection of lazy bastards:

The long and almost impossible to say "TheHowevaFiles.blogspot.com" (ewww) is now...

The simple and beautiful TheHowevaFiles.com (hooray!)

Try it! Type it in! If you are a moron, you can even forget the "www." beforehand and it goes there. This might sound like an insignificant change, but our wallets would state otherwise. With this fancy new shortened monicker, look for some fun and exciting new stuff to come the site's way later this week.

Time to down some champagne, call up some ladies, and celebrate by hitting the town and...

What did you say? It's Sunday night and everyone has work tomorrow?

Oh, right. I forgot. Crap.

Well...have an extra celebratory bowl of cereal on us as you're straightening your tie in the morning. Damn Sunday nights...