Friday, October 26, 2007

America's Sports Fans Silently Wish For The Death Of Friends Who Are Boston Fans

While we at THF are basketball writers first, lovers second, and writers for other sports third, we would be remiss if we didn't discuss a disturbing trend that is sweeping America: Boston teams are winning everything, and many of their fans are becoming insufferable.

Not all Boston fans are this way, in fact some are taking this newfound success with a degree of integrity. I salute these people, and you guys can grab a beer out of my fridge and skip this article, because you fine people are a needle in a haystack of pigeon shit.

The Red Sox, whose fans by and large are arguably the most annoying because they seamlessly made the switch from "woe is me" losers to "in your face" braggers, are up 2-0 and on their way to another World Series. I pretty much hate baseball, and a good reason why is that you can rest assured that whomever wins it all probably has a gonzo payroll that dwarfs other teams like the Royals and Marlins. Suddenly, anyone with a jersey or pink hat (THAT'S the worst) with a Red Sox logo acts like their shit don't stink. Newsflash: You are beating up the Colorado Rockies, an underdog team that has almost 1/3 the payroll you have, league schedulers messed up and made them wait a long time to play you, and their location has made them practice in the snow. You are this generation's Yankees, and before you grin at that please realize how much you hated those guys.

Then you have the Patriots. You can't even turn on ESPN anymore without being subjected to Sean Salisbury slowly masturbating over Tom Brady. While it is interesting that they are winning in the grand fashion that they are, they are also a team that has been a Goliath beating up on Davids and cockily laughing about it (the team's 2007 opponents have a combined 17-28 record...What a feat to beat those guys!)

For people who have Patriots fan friends, I have a test for you to try out to find out to determine if they are cocks or nice people:

Ask them if they were fans of the team back in the 80s, or preferably if they remember that old gremlin-looking Patriots logo they had before Brady got there.

  • If they say no, push them on the ground and swiftly twist their neck. These people are bandwagoners and their population needs to be controlled like deer.
  • If they say yes, give them a pat on the back and commend them. The Patriots were pretty bad back in the day and to see them become good has helped these people resume normal living. I have no problem with these folks.
Then you have Boston College, now ranked #2 in the country. I'll leave it at the fact that this is what occured last night, on poor Virginia Tech no less:



The Boston Bruins are doing well, but hockey is as popular as the WNBA right now, so that doesn't really count. Plus, Cam Neeley did well in Dumb and Dumber as Seabass.

Which brings us to the main point of this long and rambling entry: How does one enter this NBA season with Boston getting both Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett and NOT acknowledge that all of the luck seems to be with Boston teams lately? Will America automatically hate this Celtics team simply because of all of the success of other area sports teams? Will Celtics fans become hotheaded and pompous despite the fact that they have the mentally handicapped Doc Rivers at the helm? Will the always nice, fun, and entertaining Scott Pollard suddenly become a douche because of where he's living?

These are questions we hope to answer soon. Our hope is that the Red Sox world series win and the Patriots Super Bowl run overshadow this team to the point that they are somewhat likeable, which is all you can ask for these days.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

magic won last night against the spurs. good to see ure still reporting on that

Anonymous said...

Ugh, Boston has been irritating this offseason. If they do well in the NBA, it would suck!

Black and Blue Jor said...

Absolutely great to see the Magic beat the Spurs :) For whatever reason, the Magic seem to have the Spurs' number. I still remember that Howard dunk at the buzzer last year like it was yesterday.

Thanks for writing anonymouses...anonymi...anonymous squared?...screw grammar!

Anonymous said...

and screw insight! lets ramble about old news and curse in feeble attempts at getting laughs