Happy Halloween From The Howeva Files!!!!

EVERYONE GET OUT YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!

The OJ Report Part I: Does Minnesota Like-a Da Juice, Ah?

Now that you, our loyal readers, have bet all savings on our highly-biased predictions, it's time to start thinking about how you're going to get that money back. I, myself, have started thinking about next year a-la Mel Kiper Jr.

So what's on the horizon?

THE OJ COMETH!

As previously noted, the Minnesota Timberwolves are a travesty in large part thanks to their vice president of operations, Kevin McHale. Unfortunately for Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, McHale does in fact have a plan and it's modeled after the administrations of ML Carr and Danny Ainge.

Through his numerous trades, McHale has built a roster of 15 players dominated by 6 unspectacular former Celtics. In Carr fashion, McHale has built the T-Wolves to be fucked for centuries, but after watching his former teammate, Danny Ainge, he's realized there's one loophole to redeem himself. If he ensures they tank the season and finish with the worst record, he'll have a 25% chance to make OJ Mayo the first pick in the draft.

The appetizers: He's recieved LeBron-ish hype since the 8th grade. After being accused of assault as a student in Cincinnati, he transfered to a high school in West Virginia where he made even more headlines for a phantom chest bump on a ref and a citation for marijuana possession that was later dismissed.
The Main Entre: He recruited a college, not the other way around. Looking to market himself in a major market during his likely one year of college before entering the NBA, Mayo had a runner walk into the office of USC coach, Tim Floyd, to tell him of Mayo's desire to come to SoCal.

All I can say is that I cannot get enough of this kid and you can look forward to more updates and speculations on his future NBA home as the season progresses.

Magic Extend Jameer Nelson, Sasha Pavlovic Resigned, Juwan Howard Proves He Is Still Alive

After Shaq dropped a Cleveland Steamer on their chests and bolted for L.A., the Magic entered what will probably be a 40-year era of overcompensating and locking anyone decent up in long term deals: The Orlando Magic extended Jameer Nelson at least 5 more years, making the combo of Nelson, Lewis, Redick, and Howard one that will (for better or worse) be around for a very long time in Orlando. The Magic are banking on the idea that the 3 foot tall Nelson will suddenly go from turnover-prone shooter to a savage terminator perpetually avenging his father's death under Stan Van Gundy's system.

In similar news, Cleveland finally gave up on trying to laugh off its free agent's wishes and resigned Sasha Pavlovic to a three year deal. Sasha wins some sort of award for being the guy in deep fantasy basketball leagues that caused most owners to say, "This guy is doing well...who the hell is he?" Varejao, the Sideshow Bob-looking free agent, and the Cavs are still reportedly far apart in negotiations. Several millions of people betting the Cavs will win it all just took a 2nd mortgage on their house.

Finally, Juwan Howard proved to the world that he is, in fact, still alive as he agreed to join the Dallas Mavericks. The timing suggests that he read my season preview in which I picked Dallas to win it all, and I will be calling Howard's agent shortly to demand my consulting fee. The Mavs also announced they will be cutting DJ Mbenga, a guy so well known that I blatantly cut and pasted his name in there to avoid spelling it wrong.

The NBA starts tonight with some exciting matchups like San Antonio vs. Portland!

Wait, did I say exciting? I meant to say NBA title defenders playing an Oden-less squad trying to crawl out of the gutter. I'm crossing my fingers for an upset and it's only the first game. NBA schedulers are truly geniuses.

Last Second NBA Preview

The Howeva Files website was created at what some would call "The 11th hour" of the NBA offseason, leaving precious little time for us to preview what we think will happen this year.

Still, we have a responsibility to you, our loyal readers, to pick what we think will happen to the NBA teams this upcoming season...even if it's thrown together at the last second and would probably get a D- as a grade in school.

After the season is over, we will see who was more correct in their picks and the winner will win a brand new car. And by car, we mean maybe a lunch at a shitty diner or something. Feel free to use these picks as a guide to gamble away your family's life savings by the way.

Black and Blue's Predicted Standings, Awards, and Random Stuff:

**Denotes Division Winner, *Denotes playoff team

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Atlantic Division

1) New Jersey Nets**

2) Boston Celtics*

3) Toronto Raptors

4) New York Knicks

5) Philadelphia 76ers

Central Divison

1) Chicago Bulls**
2) Detroit Pistons*

3) Cleveland Cavaliers*

4) Milwakee Bucks

5) Indiana Pacers

Southeast Division

1) Orlando Magic**

2) Washington Wizards*

3) Miami Heat*

4) Charlotte Bobcats

5) Atlanta Hawks

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Northwest Division

1) Utah Jazz**
2) Denver Nuggets*

3) Portland Trailblazers

4) Seattle Supersonics

5) Minnesota Timberwolves

Pacific Division

1) Phoenix Suns**

2) Golden State Warriors*

3) L.A. Lakers

4) Sacramento Kings

5) L.A. Clippers

Southwest Division

1) Dallas Mavericks**

2) Houston Rockets*

3) San Antonio Spurs*

4) Memphis Grizzlies*

5) New Orleans Hornets

Rookie of the Year: Kevin Durant

MVP: Gilbert Arenas

Coach of the Year: Jerry Sloan (finally!)

NBA Finals Outcome: DALLAS OVER DETROIT

-------------------------------------------------

Anubis Taylor's Predicted Standings, Awards, and Random Stuff:
**Denotes Division Winner, *Denotes playoff team

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Atlantic Division

1) Boston Celtics**

2) New Jersey Nets*

3) New York Knicks

4) Toronto Raptors

5) Philadelphia 76ers

Central Divison

1) Cleveland Cavaliers**
2) Chicago Bulls*

3) Detroit Pistons*

4) Milwakee Bucks
5) Indiana Pacers

Southeast Division

1) Miami Heat**

2) Washington Wizards*

3) Orlando Magic*

4) Charlotte Bobcats

5) Atlanta Hawks

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Northwest Division

1) Denver Nuggets**

2) Utah Jazz*

3) Portland Trailblazers

4) Seattle Supersonics

5) Minnesota Timberwolves

Pacific Division

1) Phoenix Suns**

2) Golden State Warriors*

3) L.A. Lakers*

4) Sacramento Kings

5) L.A. Clippers

Southwest Division

1) San Antonio Spurs**

2) Dallas Mavericks*

3) Houston Rockets*

4) Memphis Grizzlies

5) New Orleans Hornets

Rookie of the Year: Kevin Durant
MVP: LeBron James
Coach of the Year: George Karl
NBA Finals Outcome: PHOENIX OVER CLEVELAND

Site News: We Can't Help Being So Good

It's shameless plug time!

The popular website "We Rite Goode" considers your very own The Howeva Files one of the best NBA blogs on the net so they asked us, along with a bunch of other favorites like The Big Picture and Clips Nation, to contribute to a big consensus NBA preview they are doing. They are publishing those previews throughout this week and yours truly was asked to handle duties for the Orlando Magic.

Check in to their site for the Magic preview later in the week, and for now you can view the overall previews here:

http://weritegoode.blogspot.com/search/label/NBA%20preview

Be warned that I am a huge homer (I picked the Magic to win 48 games this season) and also am incredibly manly and sexy. Do not take this warning lightly, as I'm still getting that restraining order out on Kelly Brook.

The Jersey Perspective

Point-Counterpoint: Blah, Blah, Kobe Bryant, Blah, Blah, Lakers, Blah

As you probably know, rumors of Lakers superstar/"basketball beats and broads" grandmaster MC, Kobe Bryant, and his unhappiness with the team's direction have continued to live on through the off-season and into the start of this year's campaign. Both Kobe and the Lakers have shown little confidence in each other despite their public statements that they'd like to work things out, which has lead to widespread speculation that a trade will occur. For months though, the Lakers have yet to deal their disgruntled franchise player and with Tuesday's opening night approaching Black and Blue Jor and Anubis Taylor decided to go Stephen A - Skip Bayless on ya ass.

Point-Counterpoint: Lakers vs. Kobe

AT: I'm going to be blunt: Kobe's getting a raw deal. He's a once-in-a-generation player that deserves to have a supporting cast that can bring him another championship, but he's being given the run around by management and ownership. How can anyone expect him to perform at the highest level if he can't trust the people around him?

B&B: KOBE BRYANT IS A VAGINA-FACE! The Lakers have given him everything he could ask for: Including the trade of Shaq and probably various mobsters to threaten Kobe's wife if she ever meddled in his "ho-doing business". Everyone gives him everything he could ask for and he still whines. Fans continue to treat him like royalty in L.A. despite the fact that he is basically shitting on their dining room tables with his actions lately. Even refs treat him like he can't do any wrong (as seen in photo, left), despite the fact that he is one of the dirtiest players in the game!

AT: Ugh. I'm so damn tired of talking about this already. Why won't anything actually happen? I don't care about Bryant one way or the other. He's simply being what playing in LA taught him to be, annoying. Say what you will about obnoxious owners like Cuban, but Jerry Buss continually gets off from being a jackass. The 73-year-old's too-frightening-to-imagine battle with Hugh Hefner to date as many 20-year-olds as possible typifies the unprofessional environment Kobe has been raised in. Ever since the Showtime era, the team and its fans have demonstrated an obnoxious attitude that puts the obtuse ignorance of Duke's Cameron Crazies to shame. Defying all logical explanation, the team takes genuine pride in that Ashton Kutcher is a fan! At this point they more than just don't think their shit doesn't stink, but that it smells like a championship.

B&B: I agree with you that the pieces on the Lakers over the years have made the team tough to stomach...if you put the cocky combo of Rick "Vanessa Williams' Bitch" Fox, Mark "Annoying Towel-Waver" Madsen, Robert "Smug Will Smith-Lookalike" Horry in front of me I would mow them down with a tommy gun like Flat-top in Dick Tracy...but Kobe's attitude just pushes them to new levels of villainy. Even most other NBA players hate Kobe, leaving his fan base as uninformed celebrities and people who like to beat the crap out of Robin Givens. If you think the fans like the Lakers over Kobe, remember the traitor who effortlessly became a Clips fan during their playoff run a few years back. At least the Lakers could be likable without Kobe now. Lamar Odom seems like a nice guy and Luke Walton is at least 7 good years away from wearing grateful dead t-shirts and hawking NBA League Pass.

AT: Jordan Farmar.

B&B: Fuck. You have a good point there. Kobe is worse, but ugh...that guy seems like a jack-off.

AT: No team this mediocre should have this much drama. If you want to avoid a VC in Toronto performance, please deal Kobe and end my misery. When you do, we'll be able to focus on the possibility that Atlanta will send out a starting lineup of PFs.

B&B: As for me, I too wouldn't mind if Kobe was dealt, but also wouldn't mind if he stayed. What I do wish for when I throw pennies into ponds? That America wises up and realizes that for all of the athletic, highlight-making abilities in the world, Kobe is a self-centered jerk who would rip the head off of children if it benefitted him in any way. Real human beings show emotion. True sadness isn't a "mock-sad" face like this, or this, or this, or especially this. If you want a great insight into how Kobe Bryant really is, unfiltered, read Phil Jackson's book "The Last Season" You'll marvel at how those teammates and coaches worked on that team without impaling him on a spike (I maintain that this is the true reason the Lakers got a guy named "Vlad" for their team).

More fun NBA stuff tomorrow, ladies and gents. Thanks for reading.

Modern Day Grinch Tale: How Harris Rosen Almost Stole The Magic's Stadium

As you probably heard, the Orlando Magic won approval by city and county councils to begin constuction of a new, expensive, state of the art arena as soon as they could get their cute little star-bedazzled shovels in the ground. It was one of the more feel-good stories of the summer in an NBA that had its name trudged through the mud.

What you probably didn't hear about was the guy trying to stop the future of the Magic: hotel magnate Harris Rosen. His story was that of a modern day "How The Grinch Stole Christmas".

The story hasn't really gotten its proper due in mainstream sports reporting, probably because Orlando just doesn't have the glitz and glamour of New York and L.A, where Kobe Bryant's used tissues are on a 24-hour news station as we speak. Nevertheless, it's a pretty neat story, one that might have just seen its conclusion. Unlike the situation in Seattle, where the lines are blurred as to who really wants the team to stay and go, the lines were directly drawn in the sand in central Florida. It was war.

Let's begin in the Whoville of Orlando. For Magic fans, the name Harris Rosen was akin to something that shot out of you after a poorly-planned Mexican dinner. Rosen is the head of Rosen Hotels & Resorts, the modern day exclusive "cave on the snow-capped mountain". While Orlando fans, politicians, players and city charity organizations below were elated at the prospect of a new arena for the Magic (coupled with a downtown redevelopment package) Harris Rosen was not. He wanted more of the city's money to go towards other things (cough, cough, things that would help tourism in his hotels, cough).

"It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight."

Met with criticism for trying to fill his own pockets, Rosen demanded the Magic devote their own money to "more charitable projects"...The Magic promptly complied with a smile on their face, giving 22 million dollars to charitable projects in the community.

Annoyed and seeing the venues get cleared through the city council vote, Rosen tried to get a pair of county council members on his side to sway the votes needed to veto the venues package...The county council votes went 5-2. People were really celebrating. Rosen was REALLY angry now.

"He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos, Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown,

At the warm lighted windows below in their town."

This did not stop the Terminator-like determination of Rosen to stop the arena at all costs. This is that part of the story you are probably very familiar with:

"Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!"

Harris Rosen found a loophole. If enough people signed a petition condemning the venues, the issue would go up for a county-wide vote. This would postpone the construction of the arena, sinking the city into tons of debt in wasted time, and potentially dooming the whole project altogether.

He sent people door-to-door to collect signatures, with the message that the new venues would be bad for them. You could almost see him collecting these signatures from houses, and climbing the snow-peaked mountains with his dog leading the way.

He began collecting signatures of Orlando residents rapidly, and reported an alarmingly high success rate early on. This terrified Magic fans and Orlando politicians. He smiled and told reporters that soon his brand of justice would be served.

...But then something happened.

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Whos down in
Whoville will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Whoville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same! "

This article just came out today. Apparently the townsfolk of Orlando didn't want to sign Rosen's petition, and on top of that his initial numbers were grossly miscounted. Rosen needed about 34,000 votes...and had barely 4,000. Almost in unison, the Orlando Whos sang out that they wanted the Magic to stay, wanted money to go towards their home, and all that they wanted for Christmas this year was for the downtown section of the city of Orlando to have a future.

With the story seemingly ending well, all we have left to hope for is that Harris Rosen one day accepts his fate, and helps the Orlando Magic carve the Roast Beast.

Tyrus Thomas: Still A Peripheral Player

Your favorite NBA coach who's spent time in the clink, Scott Skiles, apparently has yet to let go of his ludicrous stance that should-be phenom, Tyrus Thomas, is still a "peripheral player." If you recall the Bull's playoff run last year, Skiles defiantly refused to play Thomas, opting instead to give huge minutes to the 90,000 year old PJ Brown while Thomas averaged over barely over 12 minutes per game.

So far this pre-season, an inferior player in Joakim Noah, has received more minutes than Thomas. This is not a situation where the team is giving more pre-season minutes to a rookie over a vet since Thomas is only entering his second year.

After spending an extra year in college to help Florida win a second straight national championship, Noah gave observers more time to realize his lack of athleticism, skills and fundamentals. Although he may sometimes lack Noah's motor, Thomas is one of those valuable players that uses his freakish athleticism to change the outcome of games without having one play being run for him. We understand that can equal "lacks basketball skills" in coach speak, but he's not going to improve by watching a team of youngsters.

What we're observing here at THF is a coaching philosphy favored by coaches that can scientifically be identified as "dopes." Skiles has proven time and again that he values hustle over actual results. Thomas' athleticism strengthens the team defense when he's helping Ben Wallace from the weak side and also provides an threat on a fast break and inside in the half court, which the Bulls have sorely been needing for years.

The benefit of having Noah in the Bull's locker room, which lacks pre-game music, besides having his smoking hot mom around? He can still get down without the tunes.

America's Sports Fans Silently Wish For The Death Of Friends Who Are Boston Fans

While we at THF are basketball writers first, lovers second, and writers for other sports third, we would be remiss if we didn't discuss a disturbing trend that is sweeping America: Boston teams are winning everything, and many of their fans are becoming insufferable.

Not all Boston fans are this way, in fact some are taking this newfound success with a degree of integrity. I salute these people, and you guys can grab a beer out of my fridge and skip this article, because you fine people are a needle in a haystack of pigeon shit.

The Red Sox, whose fans by and large are arguably the most annoying because they seamlessly made the switch from "woe is me" losers to "in your face" braggers, are up 2-0 and on their way to another World Series. I pretty much hate baseball, and a good reason why is that you can rest assured that whomever wins it all probably has a gonzo payroll that dwarfs other teams like the Royals and Marlins. Suddenly, anyone with a jersey or pink hat (THAT'S the worst) with a Red Sox logo acts like their shit don't stink. Newsflash: You are beating up the Colorado Rockies, an underdog team that has almost 1/3 the payroll you have, league schedulers messed up and made them wait a long time to play you, and their location has made them practice in the snow. You are this generation's Yankees, and before you grin at that please realize how much you hated those guys.

Then you have the Patriots. You can't even turn on ESPN anymore without being subjected to Sean Salisbury slowly masturbating over Tom Brady. While it is interesting that they are winning in the grand fashion that they are, they are also a team that has been a Goliath beating up on Davids and cockily laughing about it (the team's 2007 opponents have a combined 17-28 record...What a feat to beat those guys!)

For people who have Patriots fan friends, I have a test for you to try out to find out to determine if they are cocks or nice people:

Ask them if they were fans of the team back in the 80s, or preferably if they remember that old gremlin-looking Patriots logo they had before Brady got there.

• If they say no, push them on the ground and swiftly twist their neck. These people are bandwagoners and their population needs to be controlled like deer.
  
• If they say yes, give them a pat on the back and commend them. The Patriots were pretty bad back in the day and to see them become good has helped these people resume normal living. I have no problem with these folks.

Then you have Boston College, now ranked #2 in the country. I'll leave it at the fact that this is what occured last night, on poor Virginia Tech no less:

The Boston Bruins are doing well, but hockey is as popular as the WNBA right now, so that doesn't really count. Plus, Cam Neeley did well in Dumb and Dumber as Seabass.

Which brings us to the main point of this long and rambling entry: How does one enter this NBA season with Boston getting both Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett and NOT acknowledge that all of the luck seems to be with Boston teams lately? Will America automatically hate this Celtics team simply because of all of the success of other area sports teams? Will Celtics fans become hotheaded and pompous despite the fact that they have the mentally handicapped Doc Rivers at the helm? Will the always nice, fun, and entertaining Scott Pollard suddenly become a douche because of where he's living?

These are questions we hope to answer soon. Our hope is that the Red Sox world series win and the Patriots Super Bowl run overshadow this team to the point that they are somewhat likeable, which is all you can ask for these days.

Stern: Our Refs Need To Get In On That Sweet Action

With the NBA still suffering from the fallout of the Tim Donaghy scandal, commissioner David Stern today announced changes in the rules regarding gambling for the league's referees.

Stern said an internal review had found that all of the league's 56 referees violated the contractual prohibition against engaging in gambling, with more than half of them admitting to placing wagers in casinos. But Stern said none of the violations was major, and no referees had admitted to wagering in a sports book or with a bookie.

So what do you do when everyone's breaking the rules? Change 'em! Referees will now no longer be in violation if they sit down at a poker table and limp in on the flop if their holding sailboats or even if they do something as stupid as say '7' aloud at the craps table (which we all know will result in me screaming the vilest of obscenities at the offender).

Now maybe it's because BBJ and I both attended college 20 minutes away from both Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun or that I am so obsessed with all things MJ that I sent my saint of a mother to spy on him at said casinos, but we here at The Howeva Files don't actually mind Stern's decision. Obviously, buying a Powerball ticket doesn't put the integrity of the sport at risk and with the league considering having a franchise in Las Vegas, Stern was going to have to reach some reasonable middle ground before the league is crushed under the weight of the public's Tommy Heinson-esque conspiracy theories.

Way to go David! Give him a Tommy Point!

Sonics Fans Fall To The Ground, Sobbing With Relief

Sonics fans across America cleaned their collective undies with a smile yesterday as they found out that Kevin Durant's injury won't be serious.

Kevin Durant had hurt himself by landing awkwardly on Marco Belinelli's foot in a game, causing about 50% of the Sonics fan base to hold their breath and hope that they weren't in the same boat that Blazers fans were with Greg Oden's injury. -The other 50% of fans were native Seattle folk who just gave the finger and said if the team was moving they couldn't really give a shit.

This brings to mind the age-old question about whether Kevin Durant's skinny frame is prone to getting injured in the rough NBA. Durant's official playing weight is 225, but we think this number HAD to be inflated by drinking gallons of water before the weigh in like that fat guy on The Biggest Loser (I haven't seen that many fat people angry at one of their own since Star Jones got her weight sucked out of her and began looking like Skeletor).

Durant (or "Starvin' Marvin, as I like to call him) is MAYBE 25 pounds...perhaps less. While this could spell long term trouble if he wants to be a night-in-night-out starter for the Sonics, he could be okay for a while since there are a few other emaciated, sickly looking players in the NBA who stay healthy:

PRESENTING THE NBA ALL-EMACIATED SQUAD

Headlining the All-Emaciated squad is one-meal-a-month and owner-of-the-80-year-old-guy's-body Tayshaun Prince. There is rarely a moment that fans can look at the screen without worrying that he will just collapse on the floor and begin eating a referee's shoe for nourishment. -Still, Prince managed to be one of the few players to play all 82 games last year. He also plays a high contact game that his body type helps him in since his elbows are sharp as ginsu knives.

Next is Jamal Crawford, who looks like a lollipop due to his sickly frame and bulbous head. Despite driving to the lane quite a bit, Crawford has also had a surprisingly healthy career, missing significant time last year after years of playing in almost all of the games. We are not sure of the secret to his success, but players at MSG are conditioned well by rapidly fleeing daily contact with Isiah Thomas that could result in lawsuits.

Topping off the list is Mr. Kirilenko, a man I like to call "The Scarecrow" for his body type. While he has been knocked around with injuries quite a bit in the past few years, he still made it his first 3 years relatively unscathed before his body crumpled up like an ant in the sun. When his body realized its limitations, his mind appeared to do so as well with crying to reporters and trade demands lately. We'd feel bad for him, but fuck him...his pop star wife lets him have sex with another woman once a year.

Looking at this list, one thing differs between Durant and the other skinny guys: He is supposed to be carrying his team. Prince, Crawford, and Kirilenko have the advantage of being supporting players so the abuse on their body will probably be less. Whether or not a skinny star can live up to the abuse of double teams and intentional fouls is an interesting experiment that we will be watching with labcoats and clipboards.

For now, we will sit by and cheer on our favorite Sonic, Starvin' Marvin.

Kevin McHale Has Officially Lost His Mind: Davis and Blount To Miami

As if it wasn't before, now it is official: Kevin McHale is simply trying to fuck up the Timberwolves beyond recognition.

ESPN is reporting that the Timberwolves and Heat are close to completing a trade that would send potential top scorer Ricky Davis and servicable big man Mark Blount to Miami for a heaping pile of vomit. This vomit includes completely useless and out of shape Antoine "Black Brando" Walker, Mike Doleac, Wayne Simian, and a first round draft pick (whoop dee doo!).

Just like America is asking themselves, "Wow, who would have thought we'd one day think Kevin Federline was way more normal than Britney Spears?", those in the NBA community are now asking themselves "Wow, who would have thought a GM would come along that was awful enough to make Isiah Thomas look good?"

This, coupled with the news that Kevin McHale turned down several better offers to drop All-Star Kevin Garnett into his old team's hands, just set the offseason benchmark that inept GMs will have to try to hit in the future. Wow...good luck trying to beat this one, guys.

Chris Kaman's Hair, R.I.P. / Welcome Faux Hawk Skull

Earlier this month, I was awoken by a late night phone call from Black and Blue Jordan. My partner in crime was sobbing profusely and was so distraught that he couldn't form a complete sentence. The only words I could discern were 'boilermaker' and 'coach from Hang Time.' It took me until the next day to figure out that he was yammering about Brad Miller's cornrows. "The season's peaked! We'll have nothing hair-related to write about now!" he said.

Unfortunately, not so.

Without so much a Sports Center 2-hour special, Chris Kaman's hair has been shorn.

"My mom doesn't like it, and I like my mom. I won't bring it back. Sorry."

I had no idea, but Kaman looks funnier without the handful of locks that allegedly took over 2 years to grow. The shape of his dome seems to have a built-in crest, vaulting him into direct competition with David Beckham to see who has the best faux hawk in LA.

Let's Hop Aboard The Magic Bandwagon, Shall We?

Sportswriters typically predict how teams will finish in their NBA previews by moronically cutting and pasting the records from last season. If you want to play "Where's Waldo" with who has been doing it this year, just look for those writers who have put the Varejao-less, Sasha Pavlovic-less, Al Roker-led team Cleveland up near the top of the standings. I hope they have a parachute ready for the drop in their record this year (They'll still make the playoffs though...it's the East, the NBA's outhouse).

But every year, the writers also go out on a limb and predict one team to surprise everyone with finishing well. This year, that team is the "Analy-Raped By Billy Donovan" Orlando Magic.

Yahoo, Fox Sports, ESPN and many others are surprisingly picking the Magic to win their division and make some serious noise this year, and by noise I don't mean the moans of ecstacy coming from Steve Francis and Cuttino Mobley's shared beachhouse.

While the additions of Rashard Lewis and Adonal Foyle, coupled with the amazing maturation of Dwight Howard under strip club afficionado Patrick Ewing , there are plenty of good reasons for optimism in Orlando, but we at THF think that there is another magical device at work here:

Stan Van Gundy's sexy moustache.

There is no denying that the Orlando Magic will live or die by Stan Van Gundy's model looks as they attempt to bring themselves back into the NBA limelight. Stan's moustache gives him a hip, porn-star edge that no other NBA coach has anymore.

And before you get all high and mighty, fuck you Phil Jackson and PJ Carlesimo. Those gotees and beard-and-moustache combos just don't work. To be a true man you need to rock the 'stache alone, with bonus points added if you use gel to curl up the sides.

So we at THF salute Stan and the Magic and also pick them as our surprise Southeast Division winner. It's a win-win as we will be right if they do well, and if they don't it will send JJ Redick into another DUI bender.

Get ready for a lot of Swift-to-Cardinal this year

Being the party animals that we are at The Howeva Files, it gets to be a little difficult to snap us to attention most mornings. Usually we require Hatebreed performing in the living room, a blood transfusion, and a solid hour of Stephen A., but this time all it took were a few lines from the Memphis Commercial-Appeal:

Veteran point guard Damon Stoudamire darted into the lane, hesitated with his dribble and then unexpectedly floated an alley-oop pass toward the rim.

Hakim Warrick already had begun to climb an air ladder and scored off a monster dunk.

The play created a buzz Monday in the Grizzlies' practice gym, especially from 7-footer Pau Gasol as he sat along the baseline with his back against the wall, elevating his sprained left ankle.

Soon after, forward Stromile Swift pulled up to attempt a 10-foot shot, but saw an opening. Swift fired a bullet pass to an unguarded Brian Cardinal.

Cardinal's uncontested layup didn't fall, but that play created a buzz, too.

So this is what is supposed to have our panties all wet in anticipation this season? Because it doesn't. We don't wear underwear; we go commando like Jesse "The Body/The Mind" Ventura. Our capri pants on the other hand are soaked.

Good lord this team is in shambles! As when Samson lost his strength when his hair was shaved, the Grizz have lost theirs when Gasol shaved off that hard core beard. Two choices, Mempis: 1) Get Gasol to get the beard back or 2) Give out free moonshine to fans at the door, because that is what it'll take to get people to the game!

New Sitcom Idea: The Wiz House

With crap-fest shows like "Cavemen" and "Moonlight" on television this season, I think it's about time an NBA player or two got their own show. -Not so quick, "Hangtime" star Reggie Theus, you already had your shot.

There are many promising options out there:

-Survivor: Kemp's Kids, CBS (See which one of Shawn Kemp's illigitemate children can outwit and outlast the others to win a spot at his Thanksgiving table)

-Travis Diener M.D, ABC (Sequel to the popular "Doogie Howser M.D." showcases 12 year old child prodigy)

-Moustache Rides with host Adam Morrison, Playboy TV (No explanation needed)

Out of all of the options though, my preference goes to anything starring Gilbert Arenas. Once I heard a while back that Gilbert Arenas was renting out a house to young Wizards players Dominic McGuire and Nick Young, I KNEW the potential was there. Looking at the Toronto Star newspaper today revealed the premise for my newest million-dollar NBA show idea: The Wiz House.

Gilbert Arenas ran an item recently on his teammate, former USC star Nick Young.
Arenas wrote that Young and his pal, Dominic McGuire, are practical jokers. One day, Arenas was playing the video game Halo – oh, yeah, better make that every day – but in this particular instance, he was playing Halo and saw Young and McGuire sneaking around near his house armed with paintball guns. The pranksters jumped a wall and came in through the garage, but Arenas had already left the house and was across the street, flattening their car tires.

This battle royale is exactly what a channel like Spike TV is looking for, considering the fact that 98% of their programming involves phrases like "Battle Royale". Toss in that friggin' weird Gonzo-lookalike mascot Washington has and you have a success on your hands. Hollywood, get er' done.

The Chinese are trying to steal our 3-ball technology

After wading through the typical pre-season fluff pieces on players that are sure to never live up to their billing, I found that we narrowly avoided WWIII this weekend after Cleveland Cavaliers forward, Donyell Marshall, was detained in Macao, China after the Cavs had lost his passport.

Marvin (Barnes) – the Cavaliers head of security – was telling me to hurry up, that we have to get over {to Hong Kong] because it’s a national holiday in [there] on Friday. They have it twice a year – I think it’s called National Grave Cleaning Day, where you go to the cemetery and clean your loved one’s or ancestor’s graves. They have picnics there and everything. The whole city shuts down. So if I didn’t get my passport on Thursday, I wouldn’t have gotten it at all.

I had to fill out paperwork in the NBA offices. After that I had to go to the police station in Macao. I was in the police station for three hours and they wouldn’t let me leave the country. They’re telling me there’s a procedure I have to follow, and it’s going to take a couple days. Of course, we’re leaving Saturday and I don’t have “a couple days.”

No doubt the Chinese government took this opportunity to have him knock up every available female basketball player in order to create the next Chinese athletic export: a no-neck version of Yao after that stands in the corner and shoots 3's. Luckily for us, the Chinese have yet to figure out that tapping into the UConn gene pool isn't the best idea if you're trying to create a genetic super army of basketball players.

I Am Batshit Insane, By Stephen Jackson

Oh hi, I didn't see you there.

My name is Stephen, but friends in my hometown of Port Arthur, Texas call me "Stevie". You might have heard of me. I play for the Golden State Warriors and recently got named as captain. Pretty neat, huh? I also have an effective crossover dribble and can post up smaller guys on occasion.

-Those are just some silly little traits though. The important one is this:

I am completely, 100% batshit insane.

I know, I know, you're saying to yourself, "Oh, he's joking. This guy's quite the joker." I must assure you that I am not. I just took a shit in my pants while we were conversing on this busy city street. If you need more proof I am more than happy to provide it. I had a lot of fiber this morning.

"But what about Ron Artest", you say. "He is the most crazy one of them all?"

Hahaha. The demons in my head thought that was a good one!

Ol' Ronnie is just a quirky guy who is obsessed with that crap 'music career' of his and has a hairtrigger temper. If he wasn't so angry all the time, the public would be all over him like flies on Gilbert Arenas. He's been a perfect gentleman while in Sacramento, and meanwhile yesterday I had sex with a pineapple multiple times while hiding in the closet of a kindergarten class.

From what I saw, their fingerpainting drawings were shit, by the way.

Look, if you need a resume, over the past three years I've been charged with felony criminal recklessness, and a number of other misdemeanors, including assault, disorderly conduct, and two counts of battery. If I've been caught for all of that, can you IMAGINE how much I've done that I haven't got caught for? Can you fathom it? It took me about 6 of my personalities to fathom it, so I'm going to bet you'll have trouble with that one.

If you need a more high profile case, take that silly incident in Indiana with the crowd and whatnot. Ron Artest had garbage thrown at him, had fans hopping in front of him telling him to punch them, and retaliated. Me? I just launched myself into the crowd and starting swinging until I hit something. For you see, in Ron's head they were savage attackers who could have done him bodily harm. In my head, the members of the crowd all looked like this:

I fucking hate leprechauns, so those fans had to get their asses beat.

Anyhoo, I'm glad we had this chance to talk. You may be a fire hydrant, but I have to say that you are a great listener. Hopefully our paths will cross again one day again. If you need me, I'll be in that club, waving my gun around and screaming that banshees have invaded my pants. Talk to you later.

(Finishes urinating, zips up pants, and walks away)

It Begins

We climbed a volcano, took the burned entrails of a dozen virgins, mixed them with the sweat of angels and tears of unicorns.

Still unsatisfied, we added the eyes of a dragon, just a bit of Ms. Dash, and chopped the head off of an elf just for shits and giggles.

Only when we combined this potent mix did we realize what we had done...we had officially come up the recipe for the perfect NBA blog.

The Howeva Files.



Shit, we better live up to that intro.