Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Now that you, our loyal readers, have bet all savings on our highly-biased predictions, it's time to start thinking about how you're going to get that money back. I, myself, have started thinking about next year a-la Mel Kiper Jr.
So what's on the horizon?
THE OJ COMETH!
As previously noted, the Minnesota Timberwolves are a travesty in large part thanks to their vice president of operations, Kevin McHale. Unfortunately for Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, McHale does in fact have a plan and it's modeled after the administrations of ML Carr and Danny Ainge.
Through his numerous trades, McHale has built a roster of 15 players dominated by 6 unspectacular former Celtics. In Carr fashion, McHale has built the T-Wolves to be fucked for centuries, but after watching his former teammate, Danny Ainge, he's realized there's one loophole to redeem himself. If he ensures they tank the season and finish with the worst record, he'll have a 25% chance to make OJ Mayo the first pick in the draft.
The appetizers: He's recieved LeBron-ish hype since the 8th grade. After being accused of assault as a student in Cincinnati, he transfered to a high school in West Virginia where he made even more headlines for a phantom chest bump on a ref and a citation for marijuana possession that was later dismissed.
The Main Entre: He recruited a college, not the other way around. Looking to market himself in a major market during his likely one year of college before entering the NBA, Mayo had a runner walk into the office of USC coach, Tim Floyd, to tell him of Mayo's desire to come to SoCal.
All I can say is that I cannot get enough of this kid and you can look forward to more updates and speculations on his future NBA home as the season progresses.
After Shaq dropped a Cleveland Steamer on their chests and bolted for L.A., the Magic entered what will probably be a 40-year era of overcompensating and locking anyone decent up in long term deals: The Orlando Magic extended Jameer Nelson at least 5 more years, making the combo of Nelson, Lewis, Redick, and Howard one that will (for better or worse) be around for a very long time in Orlando. The Magic are banking on the idea that the 3 foot tall Nelson will suddenly go from turnover-prone shooter to a savage terminator perpetually avenging his father's death under Stan Van Gundy's system.
2) Detroit Pistons*
2) Denver Nuggets*
**Denotes Division Winner, *Denotes playoff team
2) Chicago Bulls*
5) Indiana Pacers
MVP: LeBron James
Coach of the Year: George Karl
NBA Finals Outcome: PHOENIX OVER CLEVELAND
Monday, October 29, 2007
As you probably know, rumors of Lakers superstar/"basketball beats and broads" grandmaster MC, Kobe Bryant, and his unhappiness with the team's direction have continued to live on through the off-season and into the start of this year's campaign. Both Kobe and the Lakers have shown little confidence in each other despite their public statements that they'd like to work things out, which has lead to widespread speculation that a trade will occur. For months though, the Lakers have yet to deal their disgruntled franchise player and with Tuesday's opening night approaching Black and Blue Jor and Anubis Taylor decided to go Stephen A - Skip Bayless on ya ass.
AT: Ugh. I'm so damn tired of talking about this already. Why won't anything actually happen? I don't care about Bryant one way or the other. He's simply being what playing in LA taught him to be, annoying. Say what you will about obnoxious owners like Cuban, but Jerry Buss continually gets off from being a jackass. The 73-year-old's too-frightening-to-imagine battle with Hugh Hefner to date as many 20-year-olds as possible typifies the unprofessional environment Kobe has been raised in. Ever since the Showtime era, the team and its fans have demonstrated an obnoxious attitude that puts the obtuse ignorance of Duke's Cameron Crazies to shame. Defying all logical explanation, the team takes genuine pride in that Ashton Kutcher is a fan! At this point they more than just don't think their shit doesn't stink, but that it smells like a championship.
More fun NBA stuff tomorrow, ladies and gents. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
As you probably heard, the Orlando Magic won approval by city and county councils to begin constuction of a new, expensive, state of the art arena as soon as they could get their cute little star-bedazzled shovels in the ground. It was one of the more feel-good stories of the summer in an NBA that had its name trudged through the mud.
"It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight."
"He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos, Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town."
"Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Whos down in
Whoville will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Whoville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same! "
Friday, October 26, 2007
Your favorite NBA coach who's spent time in the clink, Scott Skiles, apparently has yet to let go of his ludicrous stance that should-be phenom, Tyrus Thomas, is still a "peripheral player." If you recall the Bull's playoff run last year, Skiles defiantly refused to play Thomas, opting instead to give huge minutes to the 90,000 year old PJ Brown while Thomas averaged over barely over 12 minutes per game.
So far this pre-season, an inferior player in Joakim Noah, has received more minutes than Thomas. This is not a situation where the team is giving more pre-season minutes to a rookie over a vet since Thomas is only entering his second year.
After spending an extra year in college to help Florida win a second straight national championship, Noah gave observers more time to realize his lack of athleticism, skills and fundamentals. Although he may sometimes lack Noah's motor, Thomas is one of those valuable players that uses his freakish athleticism to change the outcome of games without having one play being run for him. We understand that can equal "lacks basketball skills" in coach speak, but he's not going to improve by watching a team of youngsters.
What we're observing here at THF is a coaching philosphy favored by coaches that can scientifically be identified as "dopes." Skiles has proven time and again that he values hustle over actual results. Thomas' athleticism strengthens the team defense when he's helping Ben Wallace from the weak side and also provides an threat on a fast break and inside in the half court, which the Bulls have sorely been needing for years.
The benefit of having Noah in the Bull's locker room, which lacks pre-game music, besides having his smoking hot mom around? He can still get down without the tunes.
While we at THF are basketball writers first, lovers second, and writers for other sports third, we would be remiss if we didn't discuss a disturbing trend that is sweeping America: Boston teams are winning everything, and many of their fans are becoming insufferable.
- If they say no, push them on the ground and swiftly twist their neck. These people are bandwagoners and their population needs to be controlled like deer.
- If they say yes, give them a pat on the back and commend them. The Patriots were pretty bad back in the day and to see them become good has helped these people resume normal living. I have no problem with these folks.
Which brings us to the main point of this long and rambling entry: How does one enter this NBA season with Boston getting both Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett and NOT acknowledge that all of the luck seems to be with Boston teams lately? Will America automatically hate this Celtics team simply because of all of the success of other area sports teams? Will Celtics fans become hotheaded and pompous despite the fact that they have the mentally handicapped Doc Rivers at the helm? Will the always nice, fun, and entertaining Scott Pollard suddenly become a douche because of where he's living?
These are questions we hope to answer soon. Our hope is that the Red Sox world series win and the Patriots Super Bowl run overshadow this team to the point that they are somewhat likeable, which is all you can ask for these days.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
With the NBA still suffering from the fallout of the Tim Donaghy scandal, commissioner David Stern today announced changes in the rules regarding gambling for the league's referees.
Stern said an internal review had found that all of the league's 56 referees violated the contractual prohibition against engaging in gambling, with more than half of them admitting to placing wagers in casinos. But Stern said none of the violations was major, and no referees had admitted to wagering in a sports book or with a bookie.So what do you do when everyone's breaking the rules? Change 'em! Referees will now no longer be in violation if they sit down at a poker table and limp in on the flop if their holding sailboats or even if they do something as stupid as say '7' aloud at the craps table (which we all know will result in me screaming the vilest of obscenities at the offender).
Now maybe it's because BBJ and I both attended college 20 minutes away from both Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun or that I am so obsessed with all things MJ that I sent my saint of a mother to spy on him at said casinos, but we here at The Howeva Files don't actually mind Stern's decision. Obviously, buying a Powerball ticket doesn't put the integrity of the sport at risk and with the league considering having a franchise in Las Vegas, Stern was going to have to reach some reasonable middle ground before the league is crushed under the weight of the public's Tommy Heinson-esque conspiracy theories.
Way to go David! Give him a Tommy Point!
Sonics fans across America cleaned their collective undies with a smile yesterday as they found out that Kevin Durant's injury won't be serious.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
As if it wasn't before, now it is official: Kevin McHale is simply trying to fuck up the Timberwolves beyond recognition.
Earlier this month, I was awoken by a late night phone call from Black and Blue Jordan. My partner in crime was sobbing profusely and was so distraught that he couldn't form a complete sentence. The only words I could discern were 'boilermaker' and 'coach from Hang Time.' It took me until the next day to figure out that he was yammering about Brad Miller's cornrows. "The season's peaked! We'll have nothing hair-related to write about now!" he said.
Unfortunately, not so.
Without so much a Sports Center 2-hour special, Chris Kaman's hair has been shorn.
"My mom doesn't like it, and I like my mom. I won't bring it back. Sorry."