Thursday, January 31, 2008

Charlotte's Touring Circus Adds Another Act

I ask you this as one human being to another: How can you NOT like the Charlotte Bobcats?

They are such a ridiculous team that they almost lack believability. They resemble that football team on ESPN's short lived tv show "Playmakers" that was a overtly fake group of stereotypes whose sole purpose was to expose the seedy underbelly of sports. That playmakers team that had the over-the-top drug addict, the sex-addict womanizer, the gay guy afraid to come out, the guy cheating with HGH and steroids, the guy with severe mental know, the average team you play with on your YMCA rec league team.

Well, the Bobcats are that unbelievable, but in real life. Their colors are primarily highway worker neon orange. Their mascot looks like those waving cats you find in the windows of Chinatown shops. They have Michael Jordan as a GM despite him making a complete joke of his previous franchise (the Wizards). Their team was ultimately named "the Bobcats" after a nickname owner Bob L. Johnson had. If you had told me any of these things would be possible before they were established in 2004, I would smacked you and called you a liar shortly after I was done giggling.

Where am I going with all of this? Today the Bobcats announced the signing of Lilliputian Earl Boykins. Instead of wondering why Charlotte would sign a 5 foot 5 guard who is 31 years old, hasn't played all year, and seemed disgruntled enough to opt out of his last deal with no direction in place, I simply smiled and said, "Of course the Bobcats got him." THAT'S WHY I LOVE THE BOBCATS.

You see, dear reader, the Bobcats already had this incredible string of oddball characters on their "Playmakers"-esque roster:

-Adam Morrison, a Steve Prefontaine-lookalike who is all elbows, cries in huge games (see our logo for reference), and "always eats steak and baked potatoes 2 hours and 15 minutes before a game".

-Jeff McInnis, a player who was told by the Nets during the 2006 playoffs that he was such a nutjob that they were better off without him and paid him to be inactive.

-Nazr Mohammed, a guy who not only is the butt of numerous jokes amongst my friends for his penchant for 8 rapid-fire pump fakes before each shot, but also somehow got this far in life despite having a name that is pronounced "Nazi".

-Derek Anderson, not as much a man as a god. Derek Anderson (pictured right) is known throughout the fantasy basketball community as the guy who somehow puts up insane numbers in random spot duty. It is a rare occurance, like seeing a unicorn, but it happens at least once a year. He used to do it all the time, but the achilles heel of this lord of the layup turned out to be when teeth injuries made him miss several games one season (no joke). He was never the same since, and as a result his only known weakness is his teeth.

Raymond Felton, whose profile photo proves that ODB is still alive, he just shaves now:

Shimmy shimmy yaw shimmy yam shimmy yay!

Matt Carroll, a guy whose profile photo looks like every single tennis-playing douche villain in 80s movies.

I could go on and on, discussing Mr. Eyebrows Okafor, the Stay-Puff Sean May-Mello Man, and amazingly funny former club members such as Fabio, but then we would be here all night and I know you need a good night's sleep. Just take it from me, the next time this travelling circus comes to town, I will be right up front to get my ticket and "SEE THE AMAZING 5 FOOT 5 MAN!"


Anubis Taylor said...

We cannot underestimate Michael Jordan's rare ability to mold a team into a bunch of laughable misfits

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