Michael Jordan is getting a divorce.
This isn't huge news as it is tough to go anywhere these days without seeing a photo of Jordan drinking, drooling over teenage girls, and double-fisting cigars with cohort (and devil-on-your-shoulder-for-hire) Charles Oakley.
What IS huge news is the amount his wife is about to get: 168 million dollars!
That sets a record for celebrity divorces (no, seriously, it does) and makes rich guys with unhappy wives across the nation sweat profusely as they read this entry. So where did Jordan go wrong? Let me count the ways:
1) He shouldn't have married Michael Jackson. Anyone who has seen Michael Jordan's wife has inevitably uttered the same phrase: "Wait...no seriously, who is Jordan's wife? Get the hell out of town. THAT is his wife?" 
I'm not a beauty pagent judge (I'll leave that heavy lifting to Tony Romo), but I am with most of America with the thought that Michael Jordan could do better. Mrs. Jordan could have the most amazing personality in the world and it still doesn't change the fact that she is dating THE MAN WHO BUILT BASKETBALL. Even if she was gorgeous it wouldn't matter. A man with such a hand in history cannot sustain one woman, but rather deserves a harem and a half.
I'm not a beauty pagent judge (I'll leave that heavy lifting to Tony Romo), but I am with most of America with the thought that Michael Jordan could do better. Mrs. Jordan could have the most amazing personality in the world and it still doesn't change the fact that she is dating THE MAN WHO BUILT BASKETBALL. Even if she was gorgeous it wouldn't matter. A man with such a hand in history cannot sustain one woman, but rather deserves a harem and a half.2)He shouldn't have become a spokesman for a phallic-shaped delicacy. Every man in the world knows that only two types of men have huge amounts of confidence: A) Jerks, B) Married Guys. 
Single women like the confidence of married guys. Thus, married guys have enough temptation in the world to fill a stadium. Throw in the fact that Michael Jordan was a beloved idol who traveled to a different city every night chock full of women and you have a recipe for disaster. Now, imagine that same disaster, but with those same women yelling, "Give me your hot, juicy beef frank. I want it in my mouth" and you have grounds for divorce, my friend.
Single women like the confidence of married guys. Thus, married guys have enough temptation in the world to fill a stadium. Throw in the fact that Michael Jordan was a beloved idol who traveled to a different city every night chock full of women and you have a recipe for disaster. Now, imagine that same disaster, but with those same women yelling, "Give me your hot, juicy beef frank. I want it in my mouth" and you have grounds for divorce, my friend.
3)He did the movie Space Jam. This is unrelated to the divorce, but talk about a fucking travesty.4)He didn't run the wife over with a golf cart. This really is the biggest mistake Michael Jordan made. 
When you have hundreds of millions of dollars, know that the wife you have loved for so many years has become obsessed with money instead of you, and you have begun seeing "Jacoby & Meyers" on the outgoing caller ID, it is time to take action. Michael took this as his cue to go golfing with buddies and let the situation play out. Bad idea. The whole thing would have been avoided if he had just shifted that same golf cart he was in into high gear and tore through the house. -And you know Oakley would have had a funny quip like, "Playing through!" to yell in between sips on his flask.
When you have hundreds of millions of dollars, know that the wife you have loved for so many years has become obsessed with money instead of you, and you have begun seeing "Jacoby & Meyers" on the outgoing caller ID, it is time to take action. Michael took this as his cue to go golfing with buddies and let the situation play out. Bad idea. The whole thing would have been avoided if he had just shifted that same golf cart he was in into high gear and tore through the house. -And you know Oakley would have had a funny quip like, "Playing through!" to yell in between sips on his flask.So, sorry Michael, but you brought this one on yourself.
2 comments:
Several people emailed me with their fierce loyalties to "Space Jam".
I salute these people, not only for their unabashed kinship with a talking duck, but also for their ability to somehow also connect with pee-sex lover R.Kelly.
He dude, don't knock it till you've tried it.
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