Hugh-ge Mistake...OH WHAT A PUN!

Remember way back in 2005 when the Cavs signed Larry Hughes instead of going after Ray Allen, Michael Redd, and Joe Johnson? I do. More specifically, I remember reading an Inside Hoops article talking about how good a move it was to get him instead of those guys.

How's that working out?

This marks the absolute earliest part of the season that Larry Hughes has reminded everyone he isn't the compliment the Cavs are looking for to help Lebron. In fact Mr. Hughes has been so bad, like Ron Burgandy talking to his dog, I'm not even mad at him...I'm sort of impressed.

To go along with shooting 27% from the field, Hughes has been in foul trouble constantly and has yet to reach double digits in 3 games (despite significant playing time). He has almost as many turnovers (7) as made field goals (9). For those of you snobs saying, "Whatever, at least he is healthy", Larry missed practice Monday with mucho leg problemos and with a balky knee it sounds like he already knows his body is disintegrating like an alka seltzer.

"Well, at least he is good in fantasy basketball. He had 7 steals in his first game!" I dunno, man. Even Yahoo! fantasy nerd writers are making fun of anyone who drafts him.

In stretches last year, LH was superb and really seemed to be giving it his all. The problem with this is that he is wildly inconsistent and there are times when I watch him and really think he doesn't comprehend what the team really wants from him. More often than not, you are left with him messing up and the cameras cutting to that nonstop image of Lebron biting his nails on national television. If you needed a translation for when he bites his nails, it is "This team is SO fucked. That guy is supposed to be my primary complement? The Pippen to my Jordan? Shit. I give it about 2 more years until I go Garnett on this franchise."

Cleveland plays tonight, and I'm hoping that Larry does well and proves me wrong for the sanity of those Cavs fans reading. Until then, keep scanning the newspapers for this headline:

"Larry Hughes, 28, found murdered. The only evidence police have found is a trail of bitten fingernails and a crown."

There's No Need To Worry. You're All Losing Your Jobs

Now that the Patriots-Colts game is over, the WWL is telling me that it's OK to recognize that there are other sports out there.

What you might have missed during the past few days:
1. Navy beat Notre Dame
2. The Fabulous Moolah died
3. The guy from Hang Time is still coaching the Kings
4. The Bulls want more power forwards

Only a few days removed from trying to put down the Kobe-to-Chicago trade rumors, the Bulls are once again looking to make everyone on the roster nervous with the new rumor that the team will pursue Elton Brand, the LA Clippers' injured franchise star who becomes a free agent in the off-season. If this were to actually happen, it would likely take place in a sign-and-trade deal so Brand could get the largest contract possible and the Clippers could get something in return for losing their one star.

Since Chicago is a team of cheap youngsters like Joakim Noah and Ben Gordon, such a deal would be attractive to the Clippers, who are notoriously frugal. For those five of you who immediately jumped on the bandwagon and bought Clippers jerseys and hats, you've been had. Quite obviously that Clippers playoff win was something that comes just as often as Haley's Comet. Might I recommend the Celtics? A Ray Allen jersey and one of those pink Red Sox hats would be just great for you.

Dwayne Wade To Heat: Play Soon? Are You Fucking Joking?

There is a good chance Riley will throw the decaying corpse of Dwayne Wade on the court any moment now

While a lot of teams have looked good and bad in spats early this season, the Heat have looked like complete cat barf. -Maybe even worse...they've been looking as attractive as Kirstin Dunst out there.

For those of you not paying attention, or maybe kissing Tom Brady's jock (yes, I'm talking to you, Salisbury), here is a quick run down for you of how they've played so far, accompanied with a delightful pictorial of team genius Jason Williams:

-Miami lost all 7 of its preseason games. This was excusable because it's just the preseason, right? Heh...heh...(uh oh).

Fun Quote: "Even though we're 0-7, it's not the end of the world. Ready or not, here we come" -Pat Riley

-Miami loses his opener to the Pistons by 11, looking apathetic in the fourth quarter and old.

Fun Quote: "Very disappointing way to start the season, obviously" -Pat Riley

-Miami loses to the Indiana Pacers, with a rookie, Daequan Cook, leading the team with 17 points. The team again makes huge mistakes at the end of the game.

Fun Quote: "We couldn't get a stop, and we couldn't get a bucket, and we couldn't get a free throw in," he said. "It was just very frustrating for our guys." -Pat Riley

-Miami lost last night to the Bobcats, trailing at one point by 16 points and rallying late only to have it go nowhere.

Fun Quote: "We're not going to get down about it" -Pat Riley

But have no fear, Heat fans! Read these words from Yahoo! Sports and take solace that things will get easier soon:

"With a trip coming up Wednesday to San Antonio - where Miami is 1-19 all-time - followed by a home game Friday with Phoenix, things won't get easier anytime soon."

Ah well, at least these most recent developments would explain Dwayne Wade getting rushed into action faster than you can say "dislocated left shoulder". The Heat doctors are clearing him to practice ahead of schedule, the team's coaches are throwing him into "no-contact" drills, fans are screaming for him to save their sinking ship...it's no surprise Dwayne Wade has taken a step back and wisely said, "I don't trust you assholes. I'm going to come back when I feel healthy."

Okay, okay, maybe he didn't use those exact words, but you have to read between the lines, people. Sports outlets are making it sound like they are playfully nudging him back to playing, but they are desperate now to the point of not caring about his long term health.

The Heat, after all, lost their final two regular season games last year, became the first defending champion since 1957 to get swept in the first round of the playoffs last year, lost all 7 preseason games this year, and have started the season 0-3.

For those of you who can count and can looking past Riley and the franchise's "We'll right this ship" talk, that makes the Heat...

Drumroll...

THE LOSERS OF 16 STRAIGHT GAMES!

How is no one talking about this? That is monumental! I am suddenly WAY more interested in how many more they lose and how much crazy optimism Riley can use to cover it.

Wade, take a few more days off on us. -And when you come back please do us a favor and bitch slap those doctors and Heat staff members for trying to rush you back out there (our hands are still sore from bitch-slapping the guy who sold Brad Miller that home cornrow kit).

Think Of It Like 40 KITTs

The reigning MVP/super-choker, Dirk Nowitzki, was today's Grand Marshall during the NASCAR Nextel Cup Series Dickies 500 at Texas Motor Speedway in Fort Worth, Texas. Why NASCAR wanted a 7' German basketball player who sings Hasselhoff while shooting free throws is beyond me, but it's quite obvious Dirk's obsession for all things Hoff knows no limits. That or he was hoping the super hot in an 80s sort of way, Rebecca Holden, would be around.

Breaking News: Seattle Gets Shat Upon

I don't know if this is really breaking news as we all knew it was coming for some time now, but the Sonics announced they are going to be moving to Oklahoma City. Oklahoma is best known for that piss poor musical (Yeah, I said it. Wanna fight, ancestors of Rodgers and Hammerstein?) The people of Seattle now officially have their Art Modell in Clayton Bennett (shown below) that they can hate while drinking mocha frappucinos.

It's tough to have your team stolen by a selfish owner, but even harder when his eyes appear to be askew like James Lipton.

I feel bad for the people in Seattle, who really are some great fans. They support their baseball team, although that franchise is run by people who must be blindfolded. The Seahawks fans also show support for their ever-underachieving franchise, somehow rooting for a team that lists D.J. Hackett as a part of their core. Good luck with that.

Now the Sonics get Durant, the sun is finally shining for the first time since Payton was on the team, and they get taken away.

Can I be first to predict that Seattle, a major market, will get awarded an NBA franchise sometime in the next 5 years like Charlotte was? Is that allowed or is it way too obvious? I eagerly await the next incarnation of a silly-named team like the Bobcats, which I'm hoping is Wombat-related.

New-Look Celtics Debut Tonight: Get Out Your Earplugs

The day has finally come: the day when a news story had the coolest title ever.

-But also, the day has come to see what the new look Celtics team actually looks like on the court.

Part of me really wants to watch this, especially with Gilbert Arenas and the promising Wizards on the card, and part of me really, REALLY doesn't. Why wouldn't I want to watch this game, you ask? Because every year an NBA team comes out that gets slobbered over (or "slurped" as the PTI guys put it), and tonight's game will be the epitome of it.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, here is a handy dandy preview of how the announcers will be calling throughout the game:

The Celtics score a basket, and are leading in the game: "WOW! Look at this team! They look unstoppable! In a weak East, these guys could do some DAMAGE! Just look at the smiles on their faces!"

or

The Celtics completely suck ass, doing everything wrong and losing the game by 40 points: "Well, this team just needs time to gel. With so many pieces added, you know they will get it together and find a way to win. They still are the top team in the East in my eyes. Really just an unheard of combination of talent."

If you can imagine an entire game of that, nonstop, with little sprinkles of mentioning the other players, you can imagine my concern. If Bill Walton is calling the game, just put an axe in your forehead right now and save yourself the trouble.

This game does present an interesting opportunity: The Wizards might be mentioned so infrequently, there is a golden chance to make a drinking game out of it. Any time a member of the Wizards gets spoken about longer than in passing, you drink.

For example: "Arenas with the basket" in a monotone voice in between conversations about Paul Pierce's green headband does NOT count.

On second thought, there could very well be some angry, very sober people writing me after the game, so nix that idea.

Maybe play another game: Every 100 times the Celtics are gushed over you change the channel.

Hopefully they aren't on the other stations too. Paul Pierce probably won't be in the nonstop discussion about the Heisman vote on ESPNews.

Or WILL he?

On a side note...wow...talk about finding a perfect photo for what I said. (Pats himself on the back)

Grant Hill Likes Bad Music

Carlos Arroyo Still Refuses To Pass

So long as the Magic don't run into that creepy old lady, they will be fine.

Kudos go out to Adamos for the find.

Were You Drunk And In Costume? Here's Your Opening Night Recap

THE NBA SEASON IS HERE...YOU KNOW...FOR ALL THE TEAMS NOW!

We had lot of questions this offseason that needed answering:

1) Is Cleveland really going to be THAT bad this season?

2) Do the Magic have a legitimate shot at being a contender this year?

3) Are the Nets done?

4) Will this be the season the Spurs finally look beatable?

5) Will Kevin Durant ever pass?

If last night's exciting opening night was any indication, we were on the road to getting them answered:

1) Yes

2) Yes
3) No

4) Yes

5) Durant: "Passing? Is that like shooting at another person and not at the hoop? Never heard of it."

Let's start with the game that everyone was hyping the most: Cavs vs Mavs. This game was over in the first quarter as Dallas outscored Cleveland by 14 early on. After that, it was one titanic stomach-churning realization that this Cavs team will be on television every waking hour and are really awful to watch when Lebron isn't hitting his shots. Mavs won 92-74.

The game yours truly was watching (I did my Halloween partying this past Saturday) was the Magic-Bucks. A revamped Magic team playing against the biggest question mark in the league in Yi was too good to pass up. This game actually was back and forth until the 3rd quarter, when the Magic hit almost everything they threw up from the three point line and lept from being down 1 to being up by 20. Rashard looked amazing, the Magic demolished the Bucks, and the Orlando looked like a team befitting being called THF's pick to win the Southeast. In the end Magic won 102-83.

They may have sat up angrily from their recliners and yelled at the neighborhood kids for being on their lawn, but the Nets still have what it takes as they played the Bulls well. They played an extremely good game against the team every sportswriter in the world picked for Eastern Conference champ this year in the Bulls. Memo to the sportwriters: If the team is making a wacky attempt to get Kobe Bryant, they aren't sold on their roster being good enough. As Ron Burgandy said, "It's science." Nets won in overtime, 112-103.

As for the routine killer of NBA ratings (Which I proudly contribute to. They are boring as hell), the Spurs had the new-look Grizzlies gave them a run for their money last night. Memphis is a hot team to pick this year for getting back to the playoffs given their new coach in Mike Iavaroni, a healthy Pau Gasol, and the grooming of promising picks Rudy Gay and Mike Conley. Sure enough they looked pretty good out there and had a lead at the end of the game. That Grizzly with the glowing yellow eyes got into their minds and told them to keep fouling Ginobili at the end, a huge no-no. Darko looked like a turd out there tonight. Spurs won 104-101.

In the late game, it was time to view the THF pick for Rookie Of The Year and All-Emaciated Team Member in Kevin Durant's Sonics against the Nuggets. For fantasy basketball teams, he had a pretty good all around night, but for anyone watching the game it was quickly learned that Durant does not like passing. Even the sportscasters were saying, "He's trying to do it all himself, and doesn't seem to realize that involves getting his teammates the ball." FINALLY, what we were waiting for. As Jesus was the physical manifestation of God's love (or something like that), Kevin Durant appears to be the physical manifestation of TMac's "It's on ME!" speech. Man, I love the NBA. Nuggets won 120-103

As for the rest:

Raptors beat the 76ers 106-97: Bargnani looked great, TJ Ford's back reports no problems, 76ers lose their first of what will be 80 straight games.

Pacers beat the Wizards 119-110 in OT: Agent Zero hits a buzzer beater three to send this game into overtime, but the Wiz still can't overcome Caron Butler's attempts to lose this game for them (He had 8 turnovers).

Hornets beat the Kings 104-90: Those 3 people watching this one were treated to Chris Paul shredding Sactown for 22 points and 12 assists. Sorry, Brad...the cornrows were not good luck.

Robert Goulet 1933 - 2007

If you've ever been so lucky to stroll into a crowded karaoke bar and find BBJ and I blowing the brains right out of people's skulls, you're sure to have noticed that our baritone pipes are remarkably similar to that of the Grammy and Tony-winning Robert Goulet.

In devastating news, Mr. Goulet passed Tuesday after a bout with a pulmonary fibrosis, which was only treatable by lung transplant. To help us get through the next few days, I offer up Will Ferrell's homage.