Jumper Cables Bring Kidd Trade Back From The Brink Of Death

In the Wayne's World street hockey game of life, the Jason Kidd trade is "GAME ON!" again.

The Mavericks and Nets proved it will take more than a little Devean George to crash their party, today agreeing in principle to send Jason Kidd and Malik Allen to Dallas in exchange for Devin Harris, Trenton Hassell, DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager, 2 first rounders, and Keith Van Horn. Yes, America, Keith Van High Socks is back on the New Jersey Nets where he belongs. Time to dig those old Kidd Mavs and Van Horn Nets jerseys out of the dumpster (sorry, you stay in the trash, Derrick Coleman jersey).

Looking at this deal, the trade actually makes sense for both teams...something I haven't been able to say much in this lopsided trade-laden season. The Nets get a promising young player in Devin Harris and 2 late first rounders to rebuild with, while Dallas gets a two or three year window to win a championship. I did think the Mavs had a good chance of winning the title this season anyways, as I predicted way back when, but now I like their chances even more...I will now use this opportunity to not mention that I also predicted the Bulls and Nets would win their divisions. Those were...you know...bizarre computer glitches I know nothing about.

On a side note, that profile photo of Keith Van Horn above gives me the willies. He normally is an average looking guy, but there he looks like something out of The Hills Have Eyes.

With this deal making so much sense for both teams, I am hereby pledging 2 American dollars to DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager, or Keith Van Horn to find a way to veto this deal. I will include a extra big bottle of hair gel to Van Horn if he does it, as most people assumed he was dead and it would triple the comedy factor. I'd love to see my Dallas championship prediction pan out, but I would much rather laugh at Kidd being denied the trade again. Think of how fun it would be to see Kidd blowing free throw kisses in the direction of the Turnpike for another few years.

Ah, who am I kidding? This trade is pretty much a done deal. Hopefully I can stomach the Mark Cuban championship celebration, which may or may not include a silly black vest.

Kings Send A Kermit The Frog Sound-Alike To The Hawks

Since we were so focused on the Dunk contest yesterday, we didn't have much time to comment on the fact that the Atlanta Hawks traded Anthony Johnson, Tyronn Lue, Lorenzen Wright, and Sheldon Williams for PG Mike Bibby. This immediately helps the Hawks as America pretty much had no idea that those other players were even on the Hawks roster. The Kings, meanwhile, continue their slow and entertaining attempt to get Ron Artest to lash out again with this move. Joy!

Many people emailed THF asking if this move made the Hawks contenders. While I do think that it makes the 7-games-under-.500 Hawks more interesting, and a likely 8th seed playoff team in the crappy East, I don't think in the long run it will make them championship contenders. Earlier this year, rumors were swirling that Sacramento was in a huge rush to unload Mike Bibby because it was starting to get obvious that his skills were diminishing year to year. Looking at his career stats echo this sentiment. Furthermore, Steven A. Smith said today that it was a big move for Atlanta to get "A play-uh of Beebee's Calib-uh!", so this means it will inevitably blow up in their face.

The one thing the trade does do is increase the amount of Muppet impersonators in the Atlanta area. Since back in the day, Bibby's voice has been one of our favorite sounds in the NBA. His Kermit voice is just dead-on, albeit a bit on the quiet side with a bit of a drawl on it. We are frankly impressed that he keeps up the impression for so long:



Wait, that's his actual voice? Oh...that's rough.

Lights, Cape, ACTION!

Simply INCREDIBLE Slam Dunk Competition for 2008. Perhaps the most fun I've ever had watching a meaningless duel of people putting a ball in a hoop for celebrities. Dwight Howard completely stole the show with one of the most memorable dunks in the history of mankind, in which he used his superhuman abilities to throw the ball in the hoop. Seriously, the ball leaves his hands like a foot away from the basket. This may not be a "dunk", but it made me scream with delight like a schoolgirl. It was so cool, little kids had to make little construction paper projects to look at it so they didn't hurt their eyes (like when they attempt to look at the sun).

I'd elaborate more on this dunk, but a picture is truly worth a thousand words in this instance:

All Star Game Reminds People There Is Basketball In New Orleans

We are pumped for this year's All-Star Game in New Orleans.

Not just pumped as in "it'll be pretty neat to see a bunch of stars on the floor", but PUMPED as in "Holy cow, we may see Kobe be forced to play with a disintegrating pinkie".

PUMPED as there are a bunch of dunks that are suddenly too extreme for a competition as incredibly serious and law-abiding as the dunk contest, such as raising the basket to 12 feet.

PUMPED since even the Rookie-Sophomore game (a game that usually sucks ass and leads most people to say that they should get rid of it) ended with an exciting high-scoring 136-109 sophomore win, highlighted by Daniel Gibson's 33 points and Yi Jianlian's ability to remind people he still exists. NFL brass would kill to get anywhere near the hype and audience of the NBA All-Star Weekend, going so far as to remove their heads from the protective warmth of Tom Brady's jockstrap.

That aside, the primary goal of this All-Star Game really isn't as much to inject a steady flow of cash into the rebuilding of New Orleans, but rather to save the Hornets from being shipped out. As Anubis Taylor pointed out in an earlier article, if the Hornets fail to average 14,735 fans per home game through the 2008-09 season, the team is free to leave to move elsewhere. Right now, they are averaging a craptacular 12,645 after 25 home games. This would be a good amount if they were the Knicks, Grizzlies, or another team that only has morons buying tickets at this point, but as you likely know the Hornets are doing incredibly well this season. Yes, they have players that are nearly impossible to market like Peja Stojakovic, Tyson Chandler, and David West, but that isn't much of an excuse. If the NBA markets Bill Walton in any way, shape, or form, then the Hornets deserve thrice the attention.

To be honest, I attribute the lack of local interest in the Hornets to one thing: Their image hasn't changed enough since they were the ridiculous Grandmama led team in Charlotte:

The Hornets need to update their friggin' logo. While they have this incredibly cool and unique logo tucked away in random places on cool equipment..

...they still insist on using this ugly Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets rip-off bee that looks sorta like the early 90s cartoon "Denver The Last Dinosaur". For our sake, Hornets, change your image so that we can enjoy years and years of rooting for you.

Here's to an exciting All Star Weekend!

Now I'm Even More Excited For This Movie

In hearing that Will Ferrell would be starring in a basketball movie, I was hoping it would be more random crazy humor (like Anchorman and Old School) than toned-down trying-too-hard humor (like Talladega Nights and Kicking And Screaming).

If these Old Spice ads are any indication, I will be seeing this movie the night it comes out:

Happy Valentine's Day From The Howeva Files

It's that wonderful time of the year again.  

That time where lovers are forced by Hallmark to provide expensive presents for each other despite the fact that their wallets are empty after Christmas.

That time where single people burn effigies of their ex boyfriends and girlfriends, and those who have never experienced love start picking people off with sniper rifles from clock towers.  

Yes, 'tis Valentine's Day, the only day of the year in which little kids exchange cards with images of little naked guys with wings on them (-to my knowledge. Who knows what those no-good kids are up to these days?!)  It also is one of the very few days in which men can get away with bright pink dress shirts at work without much ridicule. 

We want to wish you and yours a most romantic holiday.  Now get to makin' babies!

Psyche!

Devean George is in fact Toni Braxton in disguise. George is currently blocking the 3rd blockbuster trade of the season in which Jason Kidd would be dealt to the Mavs using his unique rights as a player with a one-year contract.

...league rules dictate that players on a one-year contract -- but who are also eligible for Early Bird free-agent rights at the end of the contract -- cannot be traded without their consent. George, who earns $2.4 million this season, is one of 18 such players in the league at present, afforded the right to either approve or veto trades because those Bird rights are lost if they do get traded.

Essentially, he could be giving up his chance for getting a big contract, but considering his whining the past few weeks he'd be in favor of the trade if he got considerable playing time in Jersey. Problem is, George has not been very good since he stopped playing with Shaq and Jersey only wants George for his expiring contract. Look to last night's box score: 33 minutes, 0-11, 0 points, 4 rebounds and 2 assists. It's players like George that keep Penny Hardaway in the league!

So what does Toni Braxton have to do with any of this? It's been long rumored that a love triangle existed between her, Kidd, and Jim Jackson and that this was the impetus for getting Jackson and Kidd traded out of town. Folks, we've got ourselves another triangle that's likely going to keep Kidd from getting some sweet booty.

Optimists think that this trade will still go through, but I'm now envisioning Kidd in a Cleveland uni lobbing alley-oops to LeBron. I often drool over Jason Kidd, but did anyone really think he and Malik Allen (who really counts as a negative) were really worth 7 players? Cuban was obviously out hitting on co-eds the night before and left a voicemail for the Nets where he listed off every player on the roster and the number of draft picks in the next few years. Too bad, because this was going to make the West super-duper fun!

HUGE NBA News: I Guess We Better Start Brushing Up On Our German

First of all, in case you missed it, here is our post explaining how our previous Knicks article turned into an image of some nude guy. Once again, we apologize for that and return to our regularly scheduled CLOTHED website...

-Black and Blue Jor

-------------

A while ago David Stern tried to put his personal stamp on the timeless game of basketball by making his balls synthetic. This, as we know, stunk and caused a near riot against anyone who had a pair of hands (which it turns out many people have).

The obvious question that followed was, "Okay, if this egomaniac guy can't change the ball itself, what can he do to make future generations show that he was the greatest commish the sport has ever seen?" I had thought he would tell the refs to stop calling fouls and make the league an explosive league of gore, like the now-defunct XFL. Well, it turns out he would rather mimic the now-defunct World League.

Yes, ladies and gents, David Stern is putting a plan in action to bring the NBA to Europe! He wants there to be a 5 team European division in the next decade that includes London, Madrid, Rome, Berlin and....some other place. This is supposed to be the huge announcement over the All Star weekend, as they needed to do something big to make up for the loss of Shaq's shoe.

While on one hand we think the thought of European expansion sounds pretty cool (we at THF love our English Premier League Soccer), on the other hand this announcement will come with the gut-churning realization that our kids might one day be a fan of the "Berlin Wall-Knockers" or something. It's also a toss up how it will work out, as American expansion in Europe is still limited to big technology corporations and college coeds sleeping around while on study abroad semesters.

One thing I am very excited about is how the "bad seeds" on the NBA will get into whole new predicaments in another continent. The same NBA player who got busted for taking drugs and sleeping with prostitutes will now get in trouble for getting gored during the running of the bulls and drunkenedly falling off of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Also, the incredibly wacky injury reports of players will become even wackier once things like "Mad Cow Disease" and "severe allergy to saurkraut during Oktoberfest" start creeping in there.

Ultimately, while I would love to sit here and pan the idea as yet another example of a league getting too big for its britches, I am very excited about seeing foreign cities represented in the NBA. After all, how could a Lithuanian like myself pan the idea of the NBA in Europe after the "Lord of Lithuanian Sports" Sarunas Marciulionis said it was a good idea? You're right, I can't.

The only sad part of this whole thing is that Bryant "Big Country" Reeves is out of the league before this will happen. Seeing him try to salsa in Madrid would make me die a happy man.

THF Announcement: We Hate Hackers

Some of you might have been shocked to see that overlying concept of the site has jumped from basketball fanaticism to anatomy 101. FALSE! Today someone hacked into one of the images on the site and changed what was once a very innocent image of a house crumbling (to represent Isiah Thomas' Knicks foundation) to a man doing bad things with his "little guy".

Yes...that "little guy".

We apologize to anyone who might have seen this image and assure you that all measures have been taken to ensure this never happens again.

On a funny side note, the incident caused G.L. Rawx to have this phone conversation with his wife:

Anna: Did you see there's a penis on your blog?
G.L.: Is it mine?
Anna: Nope, sorry.
G.L. : :sigh: Oh well.

~The Staff

Acquiring Curry And Randolph And Then Dumping Them Was All Part Of The Master Plan

As we all know, it wouldn't be a trade deadline if Isiah Thomas wasn't involved.

After the world sat in silent wonder at the fact that the Knicks were actually not doing anything moronic near the trade deadline, Isiah Thomas finally gave into temptation. After all, he has a reputation to live up to.

Apparently, according to several league executives, the Knicks are desperately trying to unload Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry, arguably two of the biggest free agent moves under Isiah's tenure. So far, despite the incredible temptation to have a sex offender and a center that is allergic to rebounding, the phones have not been ringing.

On a larger scale, shopping Curry and Randolph puts Isiah's imaginary "foundation" theory into serious jeopardy. For those of you not familiar with this hilarious theory, you should know that whenever Isiah is anywhere near a microphone he mentions that the current roster is part of a larger master plan. In his eyes, it is only a matter of time before the foundation he has laid with the Knicks roster gels and they skyrocket to success. Let's take a brief moment and look at a live aerial view of how this foundation is doing:

The best/worst part of the story? Guess who once again is "off limits". Yep, who else but David Lee?! He is perpetually the guy the Knicks refuse to mention in trade talks, yet he almost never gets a shot to be in the starting lineup. David Lee's time on the Knicks is like watching an episode of Prison Break, but way more depressing since there is absolutely no way he will ever escape.