1. Jason Collins
Collins, or as we like to call him around the office, 'The Beached Whale,' finally scored his first points of the season with a put-back in the third quarter of last night's game against Atlanta. Serban, the guy from accounting who's a numbers whiz, says that's an infinite improvement over his previous two games and if he continues to improve every game at this rate, he'll surely win you your league.
2. Derek Anderson
Raymond Felton is going to be out for the next few games after injuring his left knee last night against the Phoenix Suns. An MRI determined no damage, but my fantasy microscope reveals that he'll be sure to lose his job to fantasy stud, Derek Anderson.
Surprised he's still in the league? We're not. Over the span of the '03-'04 season for the Blazers, Anderson averaged a respectable 13.6 ppg, 4.5 apg, 3.6 rpg, and 1.3 spg. Actually, Anderson had been averaging like 80 ppg, 65 apg, 45 rpg, and 600 spg for a few weeks at the beginning of the season. We're talking Jason Collins numbers my friends! But as with all legendary figures, Anderson had a flaw, his teeth. As when Samson lost his hair, it all turned to shit when he had to get his wisdom teeth removed.
My insider sources, particularly the lonely salesperson at the local GNC, told me that MJ won a rich Chinese dude's wisdom teeth during a game of high-stakes baccarat at Mohegan Sun and they're now surgically implanting them into Anderson's mouth. What can only follow is sheer fantasy basketball magic.
SELL MUTHAF***ER, SELL!
1. Chris Bosh
One point?!!?!?!?!?! Even Jason Collins can do better than that! Don't even bother trying to trade this guy. Just dump him now while you still have a chance at Derek Anderson.
2. Carmelo Anthony
As a kid, I never liked Caramellos. I was bat-shit crazy for Whatchamacallits. Seriously...I was freebasing that sweet nectar. (Sigh) Anyway, 'Mello didn't take any cheap swings at any Knicks last night. See if you can unload this pussy on your friend's girlfriend who's in your league because you wanted to have an even number of teams participating.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007