J.R. Smith Is A Delight

First off, a quick shout out to our friends at Deadspin for putting our site on their page for the Knicks broadcasting article. Gotta love those guys.
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Few NBA players are interesting enough to check in on them on a regular basis. Some players on the other hand make people excited to click on their "player news" on fantasy basketball teams.

One of those interesting guys for me is JR Smith (not that I would ever have him on my fantasy basketball team, but you get the point).

JR is a member of a select breed of NBA stars I like to call "The Super Crazies". This group also includes Qyntel Woods, Rasheed Wallace, Stephon Marbury, Chris Anderson, Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, and a few others. I call them The Super Crazies because their bizarre antics almost make their lives seem like something out of a comic book. I also like to think that on weekends they fight crimes using their superpowers, but in reality they probably just commit crimes.

Today the Rocky Mountain News reported that J.R. Smith is nicknamed "YoungRich" by his friends. To unlock the cryptic, enigmatic puzzle of why he is nicknamed this, J.R. responded:

"Because I'm young and I'm rich. My homeboys gave it to me."

Apparently he loves this nickname, even writing it on his shoes. Nevermind the fact that he makes less than half of the league's average salary or that his first name already IS a nickname.

To make the story even better, apparently the Nuggets showed J.R. on a segment called "This or That," during a home game. He was asked if he preferred "love" or "money."

J.R. of course answered "money." His sage answer would have made Socrates look like a dumbass:

"Because love can hurt you. Money never hurts you."

Well said, my friend, well said.

I'm sure there was more to be said, but J.R. probably saw The Super Crazies signal in the sky and had to do his thing. You can tell when that happens because in the newspaper the next day you can see "J.R. Smith suspended by the Nuggets due to 'conduct detrimental to the team'".

Oh Dear Lord

104-59

Wow.

There's losing and then there is this.

I'd write more, but what can I write? The punchline is on the scoreboard.

This One Might Be Worth Watching

Thursday night the Knicks play the Celtics, a game that should be very, very entertaining.

No, silly, it's not because the Knicks actually will do anything against America's best NBA team. They might lose by 60 points and Eddy Curry's heart might explode on the floor.

It's because the masterminds at TNT have put together what will amount to a "Knicks Haters Throughout History" broadcasting team.

One of the broadcasters is Reggie Miller, villain numero uno amongst Knicks fans. Today he had some less than glowing comments about how the Knicks are being run this year:

"Right now, they are a league-wide joke. It's sad because they are an historic and iconic franchise. But people think they are late night comedy jokes."

Doesn't he realize the late night comedy writers are on the writer's guild strike? Way to stay topical in your two sentences, Reggie.

Joining Reggie is Marv Albert, who was kicked out of the gig of being Knicks broadcaster when he criticized the Knicks in 2004(amazingly they kept him on when he had that sex scandal a ways back.) I went to a Knicks gala event at MSG when I was younger and part of the event had Marv Albert as a waiter at my table (I'm not joking). I spent most of the time talking to him and he seemed like a nice guy, albeit a bit boring. Al Trautwig was much cooler and very entertaining. Anyhoo, less than a week later, that sex scandal story broke and he was fired quickly. I still get shivers thinking about the timing of my meeting him.

Rounding out the crew is Mike Fratello, who had a handshake agreement with Isiah to coach the Knicks before he got toupee-blocked by the surpise hiring of Lenny Wilkins. Just hearing "Lenny Wilkins, Knicks coach" makes even the most casual sports fan smack their forehead and say "Shit...Isiah has been there a LONG time! How is he still employed?" For the answer, see Reggie's quote above.

Needless to say, I'm going to call it a hunch that the Celtics will jump out to a quick lead and the night will descend into an evening-long Knicks roast. Comedy Central might want to broadcast this one later.

Drew Gooden Is A Bit Underdressed

It looks like Drew Gooden replaced his left arm with some kind of robotic attachment. Who needs Anderson Varejao when you've got a cyborg patrolling the middle?

Boston Loses Again: America Rejoices

Tonight the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Boston Celtics 109-104, after Sasha Pavlovic hit a key three pointer to send the game into overtime. Lebron had 38 points and 13 assists, essentially matching in one game what will take players like Joel Przybilla a full season to amass. This loss makes the Celtics a (paltry) 11-2 and actually makes the Cavs look respectable for a day or so until they lose at Detroit tomorrow night...I'd say "you heard it here first" but you probably already knew that would be the outcome.

Somewhere Anderson Varejao just read that, nodded along, and went back to stuffing his mouth with turkey legs and lard.

It is a shame most people are wishing for the utter demise of everything involved with the Celtics, especially since they were bad for a while and Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett seem like really nice guys. The fact remains that SOMEONE must be the nation's punching bag while we watch Red Sox victory parades and Patriots undefeated seasons. Plus, with the Lakers' press dying down and the Pistons avoiding any sort of news, someone had to take the mantle of "that perennially successful team who suddenly gets good and all of the fans from 10 years ago hop on the bandwagon again". Those types of fans need to be hunted for sport (not even for the vital meat they provide hunters).

Percentage-wise, after this game the Celtics should still be the top team in the league.

On top of this, the Celts play New York and Miami next...so yeah...make that 13-2.

DAMN YOU CELTICS! (Shakes fist at the heavens)

Ah well, at least tonight America can celebrate, as the sports landscape has made us appreciate the small victories in life.

Hey, on a side note, is Bill Simmons still readable anymore? I haven't read him in about 6 months simply because I fear how smug he is by this point. My guess is his site has turned into one gigantic image of him fellating the Patriots mascot. At this point it might be legal in some states (definitely in New York) to push Bill Simmons down an elevator shaft as long as you casually say "Sorry, Dude" and notify his family.

The OJ Report

So USC coach, Tim Floyd, is running his program like a rec league team where everyone gets a chance to start. Or that's his excuse anyway for not starting our man OJ against the No. 18 Souther Illinois Salukis in the title game of the Anaheim Classic on Sunday night. Well that little experiment didn't last long as Mayo played a total of 28 minutes, leading the Trojans to a blowout win and racking up the Most Outstanding Player award.

So what really happened that lead to Mayo's benching? Did he break another teammate's jaw 'accidentally' or just show up late to practice? Did he stick up a McDonalds a la Marcus Vick, or did he just not run hard in his sprints in practice? I'm drooling in anticipation for the answers.

And since many of you were probably watching the Patriots on Monday, I'll let you in on a secret: The Nets may be decent. Over the past few years, whenever a team from the east would travel west, they'd come back with their tail between their legs. Not this time. They won three out of the four during their west coast swing, cemented by a thrilling win over the Lakers. This brings them back into the thick of the competitive Atlantic Division. So what do we actually learn from this trip? Coming off the bench, Sean Williams is becoming an anchor on defense, much like Kenyon "Bad Ass Yellow Boy" Martin was back in the day. His shot blocking ability is allowing Kidd and Jefferson to play the passing lanes and get out on the fast break. And speaking of Jefferson, this also may be the season that when it's over, we all look back and recognize that this was when RJ finally vaulted ahead of Vince Carter to become the dependable go-to scorer on the team.

The way it's looking right now, there's no way that they'll be able to compete with the Celtics for the division crown, but it is exciting to see J-Kidd have a supporting cast that will at least run with the man.

Slow News Day? RODMAN TO THE RESCUE!

When the top story in the NBA is that a backup forward averaging 1.1 points will miss three weeks due to injury, you know you it's been a quiet day in the news.

Thank GOD for Dennis Rodman.

Dennis Rodman is getting sued by a woman, claiming he "smacked her ass so hard it left a mark". Apparently Rodman walked into the Hard Rock Casino and gave her a love tap on the butt to show his affection, one of his many staple moves.

So did Rodman deny it? Did he claim he was trying to swat a fly on her butt? Did he blame it on someone else or say it was a clone?

Of course not! In true Rodman-esque fashion, his defense as of now is, "Let's just have a good time!"

Only three people in this world can get away with such a defense: Isiah Thomas, 1970's-era Burt Reynolds and Dennis Rodman. Since Isiah Thomas recently lost a sexual harrassment case and Burt Reynolds' career is completely in the shitter, this leaves only Dennis to carry on the ass-slapping in America.

Fear not. While I am firmly against ANY non-consentual touching, I think Rodman will win this case.

Apparently at the time the woman in question bragged about Rodman touching her bottom, and decided to wait OVER A YEAR AND A HALF after the incident to press any sort of charges. Most analysts believe the case will be thrown out because it is very obvious the woman is attempting to cash in (from Dennis Rodman? Does he even have any money anymore or is it all in wedding dresses at this point? This woman must only read newspapers from the 1990s).

Time will tell if Rodman can avoid any legal action to live to smack another day, but we'll stay on top of this case. If that woman's bottom hasn't healed after a year and a half, I might actually have nightmares of Rodman's hand tonight.

Agent Zero Might Be On His Butt Playing Video Games For Longer Than Expected

The Wizards say Gilbert Arenas will return to action in 3 months after reinjuring his left knee, but it sounds like he wants to take a tad longer.

How much longer? How about the whole year:

"I need to start thinking about longevity in my career instead of just this injury right now. Every great player has missed at least one year. I'm going to go in, do my rehab and take my time this time. I have to be right for the next six, seven years of my career."

Zounds! If you close your eyes immediately after reading that, you can get a clear mental picture of Wizard's management knocking Eddie Jordan out of the Wizard's coaching spot in the future. In my personal vision, the Wizards hire Zidane and he headbutts Jordan out of a 10-story window.

Agent Zero's apparent decision to ignore team doctors sounds eerily similar to Dwayne Wade's decision to come back on his own schedule. It kinda makes me wish I had decided to enter the world of sports medicine, as I would have gotten a shitload of money to have the organization pressure me into decisions and have the players ignore them anyways. Low risk, high reward sounds good to me!

Still, very sad news that one of the most entertaining players in the NBA could be be out for a very long time. Almost makes you want to cry.

-You, not me. I have Caron Butler in most of my fantasy basketball teams! (helloooo at least 20 shots a game!)

Happy Turkey Day!!!

THF wants to wish you all a Happy Turkey Day!

Eat your food, segregate into groups of men watching football and women complaining, and roll your eyes when that crazy uncle of yours begins drinking just a bit too much and calling everyone "Fuckwad".

We leave you with these images of Mehmet Okur and Hedo Turkoglu. It is our gift to you. When you carve into them, make sure to do something with the giblets.

Now You've Done It! You've Pissed Off Tommy Hilfiger!

With the the Knicks playing their last home game before the holiday, coach and team president, Isiah Thomas, inserted his malcontent point guard, Starbury, back into the starting lineup. Result: A blowout loss to the previously 2-win Golden State Warriors accompanied by numerous chants of "Fire Isiah" throughout the night. In attendance were Tommy Hilfiger (who hasn't been relevant since the ODB was alive and not fat), UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, owner James Dolan, and not to mention Commish David Stern.

I'm sure if you'll listen to Max Kellerman this morning you'll hear how this is actually just part of Thomas' master vision for the team, but you KNOW my man Stephen A will bring his Hammer of Cheese Doodles down afterwards. On who's head though?

Marbury?
He's got to be worn out from being drunk promoting his piece of shit shoes and banging interns in the back of trucks. I'd know, cuz that's what I do every day.

Eddie Curry and Zach Randolph?
Is there any possible way that NBC and MSG got mixed up and made the contestants for The Biggest Loser the starting front court?

The Ladies?
No way. Stephen A loves the ladies, no matter their size, shape, color, or creed. He's the Love Doctor baby!

Thomas?
God I hope so. Amongst things he's ruined besides the Knicks are popcorn and the CBA, which was the only sport I enjoyed while I was a middle school twerp growing up in Hartford (besides of course, trying to get at the expanding bust lines of my female classmates). Remember how people thought it couldn't get worse when Don Nelson left? Wow, we were all WAY off.

Uh Oh. Lakers Just Got Better

Today the Los Angeles Lakers and Orlando Magic agreed on a deal that sent Trevor Ariza and Orlando's injury exception (acquired when Tony Battie got hurt) to the Lakers for Brian Cook and Maurice Evans.

On paper, this trade makes it look like the Magic just got slashed with a ginsu knife.

Ariza, while not a fantastic shooter, is incredibly athletic and plays like an uncaged beast. He rebounds, blocks shots, plays good defense, and flies all over the court. He is also approximately 20 feet tall, and has sired over 800 children all over the midwest while traveling with his blue ox, Babe.

On the flipside, Lakers fans use Brian Cook trading cards to wipe their nose. He is a tall outside shooter who can't play defense and can't rebound...always a good thing! Maurice Evans, while great in spurts, is inconsistent and gives the Magic a glut of shooting guards.

You never know, Stan Van Gundy has found a way to actually make shitstains Keith Bogans, Pat Garrity, and Adonal Foyle into good, respectable pieces on a championship calibur team. These two guys could experience similar resurgences in their careers.

For now, though, Lakers fans should be dancing in the streets like their town just lifted the ban on dancing (real men give "Footloose" shout-outs).

Orlando and Chicago: A Tale Of Two Cities

The way the Magic are eating through opponents, you know Stan Van Gundy is going to let out an enormous stinky belch of contentment any moment now.

That aforementioned belch stink? If that belch stink had sex with Britney Spears it would smell vaguely like the way the Chicago Bulls have been playing this season.

While the Magic beat both The Squad Bill Simmons Would Blow With A Smile On His Face and the surprising (and surprisingly fun to watch) Hornets on back to back nights, the Bulls have found a way to lose to the 76ers, Bucks and a slew of other teams this year. Not only that, the Bulls have been getting completely blown out in many of their games. Last night they lost to the Lakers 106-78, losing by the largest margin in the history of Lakers-Bulls matchups (the previous record Bulls loss was 27 points).

Coming into this season these two teams could not have been more different. The Bulls were viewed as the solid, coldly efficient, well-run organization whose players everyone wanted. The Magic were the unstable, wildly inconsistent, absolutely horrifically-run organization, whose players people wouldn't even take for free (Pat Garrity's contract was probably thrown out there in exchange for a good back rub).

So what happened? How did the fates of these two teams swap like the spit between yo momma and me?

Most sportswriters favor the notion that the Bulls were horribly affected by the Kobe trade talk. These same guys have pointed to the acquisition of Rashard Lewis as the turnaround for the Magic.

Foolish sportswriters. I will crush them like bugs.

The truth of the matter is that Chicago has lost confidence in Scott Skiles (or as I like to call him, the Transporter) and are resting their hopes on some really inconsistent guys. Skiles' "I'm an asshole and that's the way I coach" attitude is alienating everyone around him. Everyone knows about his shitfit over Ben Wallace's headband, but most don't know about just how intense he acts all the time. Here is a fun snippet about his recruitment of potential rookies:

LaMarcus Aldridge got a taste of what it's like to be coached by Scott Skiles on Tuesday night when Skiles and Bulls general manager John Paxson took him to dinner downtown. "Scott Skiles came across as a very focused and determined man," Aldridge said after a solo workout for the Bulls on Wednesday. "At the table, he stared at me for five or 10 minutes and didn't say anything. I was kind of wondering, 'Did I do something wrong?' "After a while, he started to open up and we had a great time. I had thought he was going to be quiet the whole time."

Wow. Sign me up to play for that guy.

Also, despite the fact that every person in America was in unison that Luol Deng and Tyrus Thomas were the future of Chicago basketball, this year you have crappy and overrated Ben Gordon shooting anything that touches his hands and Tyrus Thomas getting about 8 minutes of playing time off of the bench. To be fair, Thomas has had growing pains this season but part of bringing a young key player up is not punishing him in such a merciless way as he learns.

As for the Magic, the key for them isn't Rashard Lewis (although he definitely has helped). They are doing this well because of the tutlage of Dwight Howard under Patrick Ewing and the coaching of Stan Van Gundy.

Last year, Howard was regarded by the Waltons of the world as a "superstar who is simply unstoppable!" Anyone who watched him longer than 5 minutes realized the guy really had no idea how to do anything but dunk, rebound, and smile. He had no jumpshot, he couldn't pass, he would freak out if he was double teamed, and had yet to learn his free throw percentage was not supposed to mimic a good golf score. Under Patrick Ewing, an extremely unlikely hero as he was widely regarded as a moron who couldn't teach Yao anything in Houston, Howard has blossomed. Ewing got him shooting jump hooks, passing like a pro, cutting through people with a mean streak, and (thanks in part to the free throw coach) actually making free throws. The free throws are worth about 10 extra points a game right there. -Yes, they do matter Shaq.

On top of this, you have Stan Van Gundy and his amazing Ron Jeremy moustache giving the team a whole new slew of report card grades entering the year:

JJ Redick? F. You SUCK at defense, whiteboy. Get on the bench and shut the fuck up.

Keith Bogans? B+ Damn, you actually can shoot threes! And your defense is nice too!

Trevor Ariza? C. You are freakishly athletic, but can't hit the side of the barn with your shot.

Pat Garrity? B- You may suck at life, but you hustle and still can hit the trey.

Before Stan's arrival, the team was planning on starting either Redick or Ariza and was almost too eager to part ways with Garrity and Bogans. Now the roles are almost reversed, and you have to pat Stan on his hairy back for having the testicular fortitude to buck convention and go with guys he liked. The team believes in him, and it's not only because they saw a lookalike of him produce a money shot on Chasey Lain's face.

The Bulls and Magic will almost certainly even their records out a bit, but the bottom line remains that Scott Skiles is looking like a "douche of the year" award winner while Stan is proving himself to be the best available coach of this past offseason.

This year they play each other on New Years Eve.

-Fitting as these two teams are having completely new years from last season.

NBA Live, The EA Sports "We Don't Give A Shit" Franchise

Sorry Gilbert, although we all know you are the coverman for NBA Live 08, even you have to admit that EA Sports isn't exactly lighting it up on the basketball front.

Last year, nearly everyone I knew that owned a PS2, XBOX, or suped-up toaster opted for NBA 2k7 instead of NBA Live 07. I followed suit after a wave of bad reviews of NBA Live 07 convinced me to do so. I wasn't disappointed and had a blast with NBA 2k7.

This year, reviews once again seem to state that you are likely better off to go with NBA 2k8 instead of NBA Live 08 across the board, but I was not lucky enough to make this easy choice. You see, dear reader, I own a PSP portable thingamajig.

The only NBA games for the PSP this year are NBA Live 08, and NBA 08. While NBA 2k8 features a sleek looking Chris Paul on the cover, and NBA Live 08 has a determined Gilbert Arenas, NBA 08 has a somewhat confused Amare Stoudamire, looking sideways like he just smelled a Rosie O'Donnell fart.

NBA o8 is the red-headed stepchild of the three titles. While it has NBA play like the other two, it ALSO promises (and I'm not making this up) a mode in which you play as Amare Stoudamire...playing carnival games like Whack-A-Mole, Skee-ball, and Pinball. They also have something called "Conquest Mode" in which you play other cities and take over their best players like Risk.

Since usually gimmicks = garbage, I opted to go with NBA Live 08 for the PSP. The unknown of NBA 08 was just too terrifying and I wussed out.

Usually when I buy a game I feel great, but this time I felt kinda crappy. I felt like I had settled for the sister of the hot girl...the one with a unibrow and teeth sticking out of her forehead. I wanted to feel better, so before I opened the package I looked online for some videos past and present of various NBA Live games.

This video is what I watched to see what I would get to look forward to with NBA Live franchise. Enjoy:



I promptly ran out of my apartment, hopped on a bus, and returned NBA Live 08 for NBA 08 and felt great about it. You know you made the right choice when you feel good about yourself after spending close to an hour and a half on a trip to exchange a video game.

Time to play some Amare Whack-A-Mole.

THF Field Trip Time! Magic vs. Nets at The Izod Center

Last night I left the beautiful lights of New York City with some friends to travel to New Jersey to watch the Nets take on the Orlando Magic. Why not just see the Knicks play the Magic in New York?

Um...have you been to MSG anytime in the past 10 years? It's an expensive port-o-john (except in a port-o-john you can actually see what's happening in front of you with no blind spots).

Entering the game, the teams had been headed in different directions. While the Magic were 7-2 and looking like a powerhouse in the East, the Nets had just lost Vince Carter to an injury for a few weeks and were looking a bit beaten up at 4-4.

Needless to say, it was a game I had to see.

Here's how it went down:
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We showed up at the Nets Arena, newly christened "The Izod Center" (formerly Continental Airlines Arena). I immediately had the concrete reason the Nets were starting slowly this season: The Izod Center is the most flamboyant looking stadium in the world, down to the point of being laughable.

This actually upset me as I grew up in New Jersey and have a special place in my heart for the Nets. The outside of the stadium was red and yellow stripes, and all throughout the stadium (and I mean EVERYWHERE) there were Izod catalog photos of metrosexual white skiiers.

This was the enormous banner over the section I was sitting. Obviously this is extremely menacing and something that has struck fear into the heart of every Nets opponent:

We found our seats, which were $20 specials (THF spares no expense), but this wasn't a problem as the seats at Continenta- er - Izod are really good and there isn't a bad seat in the house.

Before I sat down, I was immediately booed by a Nets loyalist. He booed me the entire time I ascended the steps to my seat, laughing and smiling. I smiled back and gave him the finger. It might have had something to do with what I was wearing:

The Asshole Nets Loyalist fan quieted down, and resumed watching the game (it was the middle of the first quarter when we showed up. Damn subways). I vaguely remembered this guy from a game I went to last year. He was yelling the whole game that the Nets were the greatest team on the planet because they were winning the entire time by a range of 2 to 5 points. He obviously would need to be shut up (foreshadowing!)

We took our seats and were quickly absorbed in the mayhem. Yelling and downing overcooked chicken tenders.

This is as good a time as any to mention perhaps the most important feature in Nets games: Sly the Fox. Sly is the Nets mascot, and I don't give a SHIT what anyone says, he is the creepiest looking- and thus the best- mascot in the NBA. Last year they actually had a "Mini-Sly" at the games, a midget version that would follow Sly around. Sadly, Mini-Sly was not back for this season, which was a shame as seeing that midget shoot t-shirts into the crowd with his t-shirt cannon was one of the best images of my (or anyone's) life.

Here is Sly rallying up the crowd. Those are probably unpaid slave Nets interns running around him with "Nets" flags:

I'd love to say that this game was close and going back and forth, but that simply was not the case. As I said earlier, the teams were going in different directions when they came in, so the Magic promptly jumped out to a 15 point lead that they held all game. Besides a few minor comebacks, the Nets looked gassed and seemed to admit defeat somewhere around the beginning of the 2nd quarter.

On the bright side, the fans were thus blessed the entire game with a terrifyingly funny graphic of Sly gesticulating wildly with "Defense" on the screen. I'm sure it gave at least 20 kids in the stadiums nightmares that night, much to my delight:

With the game quickly out of hand, it was time to look around the crowd and see what was going on. In my opinion, this is easily the best part of going to a basketball game as the stadium will inevitably be filled with a ton of crazies and borderline illegal activities. The security at Nets games has always been something for ridicule amongst my friends and I.

One quick scan revealed this guy. He was filming the entire game in front of a security guard. -And by the entire game...I mean the ENTIRE GAME. After 2 quarters of laughing that he never moved, never even dropped his arms to get blood back into his hands, his girlfriend came out of her seat about 10 rows up and asked him if he was returning to his seat to be with her. Like a true fan, he glanced at her, muttered something like, "Bitch, sit down and enjoy those seats I bought" and went back to filming. Right on.

Next, it was time for t-shirts to be shot into the crowd. Before I even had a chance to shed a single tear over the dearly departed Mini-Sly, I was treated to a grand spectacle. They were dropping t-shirts in little mini parachutes from the ceiling, causing people to claw and maim each other to get under them to catch them.

One father was sitting right below a t-shirt that was dropped and had his hands up to catch it. His two 5 year old kids were jumping up and down excitedly because they were about to get a present. Juuuuuust as the t shirt is about to land in his hands, one guy (dressed in what looked like a camo jacket) took a running start and launched himself onto the guys back and snatched the shirt. He almost knocked the father unconscious, probably kicked the kids in the head, and made off with the prize. This made the entire section erupt in laughter until we realized those kids were screwed, and probably decapitated. Luckily, the camo guy gave the father the tshirt...saying loudly that all he wanted was the parachute it was attached to (I'm not making this up...gotta love Nets fans). This is the parachute in question, moments before the bloody spectacle that was to befall it below:

The best was still to come though.

With the Magic winning handily, the Nets fans began to get restless. Our section, in particular, started a giant chant of "COLLINS SUCKS!", astutely pointing out that Nets center Jason Collins is slightly better than a chunk of driftwood. If there was a ringleader of the "COLLINS SUCKS!" chants, it was this guy, who at one point yelled, "GET ON YOUR KNEES, REFS, BECAUSE YOU'RE BLOWING THE GAME!". We'll call him "Loud Nets Fan" from here on out:

I watched in gleeful delight as the inevitable happened. The Asshole Nets Loyalist, who booed me earlier in the night, turned and looked up. He cockily said to Loud Nets Fan, "Shut the FUCK up. Jason Collins is one of the best centers in the league. Shut the FUCK up!". Uh oh. Game on.

Here is the Asshole Nets Loyalist in the act of saying this. Damn, I'm a good photographer:

The Loud Nets Fan, flanked on either side by 2 girls (who WAS this guy?), said, "Are you JOKING? Jason Collins sucks dick for a living. He doesn't play basketball. Name one other center in the league that is better than him."

Challenged, Asshole Nets Loyalist exhibited his amazing NBA knowledge and spurted forth a name that would haunt him the rest of the game:

"He's better than Chris Bosh, jackass!"

I still have a mark on my forehead this morning, I slapped it that hard. The entire section, Loud Nets Fan especially, broke out laughing. "Chris BOSH? Like, THE Chris Bosh? He is an incredible player that the Nets would trade anyone for right now. Are you JOKING?" Asshole Nets Loyalist, actually offended, went on a tirade about how Jason Collins was underrated and could shut anyone down. The two yelled at each other for, no joke, about 45 minutes. It was glorious.

While this whole conversation was happening, Jason Collins was on the bench, probably picking out hot girls in the audience absentmindedly. Finally, the announcer called out, "Replacing Sean Williams is Jason Collins" as Collins trotted out onto the floor. It was time to prove who was right.

Well, you know what happens here. Jason Collins gets dunked on savagely by Dwight Howard, gets outrebounded by Howard something like 7-1, and gets send back to the bench after 3 fouls in about 3 minutes of work.

Loud Nets Fan, the entire time, just keeps yelling, "COLLINS FOR BOSH! COLLINS FOR BOSH! LET'S DO THIS DEAL!"

Here is perhaps my favorite image of the night. Asshole Nets Loyalist...owned:

With about 3 minutes left in the game, the Nets down 18, Asshole Nets Loyalist gets up to leave and Loud Nets Fan yells, "Real fans don't leave a game until it's over!" Asshole Nets Loyalist smiles, leaves and the entire crowd laughs at him.

In a twist of wonderful irony, Loud Nets Fan leaves about 1 minute afterward, his 4 girls in tow.

The buzzer blares, game over, Magic win by 25.

Overall, it was a great game simply because most of the fun wasn't even on the court. I'm not even mentioning the halftime show which was arguably one of the best parts: A 10 year old boys vs. girls basketball game. One fat kid on the boys team looked like Bryant Reeves, prompting us to yell "Big Country!" whenever he scored.

As we left to take the shuttle back to the city, we walked past the "Slymobile", the Nets promotional van. I leave you with this image, the back of the van, and bid you a goodnight.

Let Sly the Fox haunt your dreams.

NO KOBE TRADE FOR YOU!

Kobe Bryant waived the Pistons into negotiations like George Costanza into a soup kitchen. He let them order, allowed them to slide down to the cashier, and just as they went to pay, he yelled, "NO TRADE FOR YOU!"

The trade the Lakers and Pistons agreed upon today would have sent Tayshaun Prince, Rip Hamilton, Amir Johnson and a first round pick to the Lakers for Kobe Bryant. This would have paired Kobe with Rasheed Wallace, beginning what can only be seen as preliminary groundwork for some sort of "All-Unlikable" team in the NBA.

'Twas not to be, howeva, as Kobe used his No Trade Clause to veto the trade. Dontcha just hate those?

To many, this vetoing on Kobe's part makes little sense. Kobe would have fulfilled his wish of getting talented teammates in Chauncey Billups, Jason Maxiell, and Rasheed Wallace. Plus he gets to play in the easier Eastern Conference. The Lakers also would have gotten some quality playmakers in Tayshaun and Rip, and would have had a draft pick to boot. Makes no sense why it would be turned down by Kobe, right?

To me, this makes complete sense. A lot of people hopped all over Kobe's trade talk and acted like it was going to happen any day. We at THF sat back and said, "Nah. Kobe's a bitch. He's just posturing because he needs spotlight and really has no intention of leaving Los Angeles. It probably makes him super upset that the Lakers called his bluff this time actually." We then lit cigars with crisp $1000 dollar bills (or "Grovers" as we like to call them).

The fact that such a perfect trade for everyone was vetoed should clue society to the obvious notion that Kobe's primary motive is, and has always been, self-publicity. Think about it. He turned down what would have been great trades with the Bulls and Mavericks in favor of what? The amazing privilege to play with Vlad Radmanovic?

One of the many reasons that I can't stand Kobe as a person (he is a great player), is that unlike other publicity hogs like Chad Johnson and Roger Clemens, Kobe demands the spotlight at the expense of other people. He screws over teammates (See ya, Shaq), his organization, his hometown fans, and now other teams garnering his services, all so that he can be the guy on the front of the papers. It's childish, it's extremely detrimental to his relationship with those around him, and the bottom line is that Kobe couldn't give two shits about how it affects anyone. It's his life and he will lead it the way he wants to lead it.

As a fan of an Eastern Conference team (I'd get the Magic logo tattooed on my forehead if it didn't mess with my monumental modeling career), I am happy to see Kobe is staying West for now. Unlike Ray Allen and KG on the Celtics, who are 7-0 as I write this, The Black Mamba simply doesn't have the humility to play with anyone who is near his level and be happy. It's masochistic and selfish. It's Self-o-chistic!

To those Pistons fans hoping for Kobe, and those Lakers fans hoping to be rid of him, I feel your pain. It's like someone just gave you a christmas present and ripped it out of your hands.

Maybe he'll make up for it with some jewelry! You can cure any misdeed with jewelry right?

Hold The Stephone! THF's Continuing Coverage Of "Knick Implosion 07-08"

We rarely write about the same team consecutively, but hey- this is the Knicks we're talking about. Our grandchildren will be talking about this trainwreck.

The news that came out today was nothing short of awesome (complete with The Howeva Files Stephon Photo!)

The new developments (i.e. gossip) were of course a follow up to that whole "Stephon missing practice thing". Apparently Eddy Curry told Marbury he was getting yanked out of the starting lineup, Marbury got pissed, and proceeded to go AWOL and miss practice.

To this, I have these choice words: Eddy Curry, stop bein' a snitch!

The most exciting/Knicks-esque thing to come out of the story is much more juicy. According to Knicks players, Stephon was on the back of the team plane and was loudly yelling, and I quote:

"Isiah has to start me! I've got so much shit on Isiah and he knows it! He thinks he can fuck me! But I'll fuck him first!You have no idea what I know!"

A few players said this might have actually been yelled AT Isiah, but they weren't sure. Ah, the sweet poetry dealings of a madman.

This is enough fun to make me giggle like a schoolgirl. Just think of how ridiculous this all is. Stephon Marbury, a person who prides himself on zany and borderline illegal dealings, is saying that he has so much dirt on Isiah Thomas, a person who was just convicted of sexual harassment and loudly boasts that he doesn't care about white people, that we won't be able to even fathom it. That is such a grand boast about this "knowledge" that he has, that anything short of info that instantaneously blows your head clean off upon hearing it will be a major disappointment.

Sadly, we will likely have to wait until the next inevitable blow up to hear what that info is. Marbury has rejoined the Knicks, hopping on a plane after basically giving the team a cheap house to the tune of 180 thousand dollars.

After this, there is no way Isiah Thomas gives up that "worst GM in the history of mankind title" to McHale. He completely ripped it right out of McHale's cold, dead hands with this news story.

How did Isiah do this?

Well, you know who Isiah's first acquisition was when he became GM of the Knicks, don't you?

Exactly.

Isiah Thomas Vs. Stephon Marbury...A Clash Of The Titans

I wonder if Spike Lee even cares anymore.

As you might have heard by now, lovable headcase and THF banner member (he's the guy sticking his head out of the limo above on the far right) Stephon Marbury made headlines by not showing up to Knick's practice on Tuesday.

-When questioned about it, Isiah Thomas implied that he had no idea that Stephon wasn't showing, saying that action would be taken and making the situation sound quite serious.

-When Stephon was questioned, he said that Thomas had given him permission to take time off when he asked for it and that everyone just misread what happened.

This leads us to an amusing guessing game with America's most dysfuntional team as to who was actually telling the truth. Let's break down the circus. Do you believe:

A) The guy who is arguably the worst GM in history (though McHale might want to plead his case).

-Who totally fucked up his wikipedia page when he was forced to pay $11.6 million because he notoriously sexually harassed Anucha Sanders. Oops.

-Who, apparently, is the GOD OF POPCORN. I still remain the God of everything else.

-Who said “Bitch, I don’t give a fuck about these white people" to A. Sanders, providing incredible insight into the reason behind why David Lee may be the lone white guy on the Knicks for all of eternity.

B) The guy who has been listed as unmanagable by several coaches. -Even others than Larry Brown!

-Who proudly testified in court that he banged a Knicks cheerleader in his truck despite the fact that he is married.

-Who came out in strong defense of Michael Vick with his "Dogs are animals. Who cares if they die" speeches. Nice one!

-Who at one point said that he wished the three-point line would be moved further back from the basket because it was "too easy for me to score where it is". Yes, he really did say that.

-Who picked up his cell phone right in the middle of that infamous Mike'D up interview in which he said he wanted to average "12 dimes and...3 assists" (This interview was completely yanked off of the internet by his publicists because it was so hilarious. If you can find it, let us know.)

-And, last but not least, might be the worst AND best Steven A. Smith impersonator on the planet.

Looking at this rundown, while Isiah seems to be inept at working in a corporate environment and gets led around by his wang like a divining rod, Stephon just seems to be completely insane. I actually thank the Lord, Jesus Christ, every single evening that I don't have to coach Stephon Marbury. Some things are just impossible.

Wait...someone is chiming in on the subject of Isiah...

Okay, that sealed it for me. Isiah is the wrong party here. Fire Isiah.

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Update: Pat Riley's Heat just got blown out by the Bobcats. While I typically find Riley to be a smug prick, insufferable in anything more than short doses, I have to give him credit for what might be the quote of the year so far:

When asked after the game about what he thinks he could do at this point to help the team, he responded, "Me? Play. I guarantee you I should suit up. I'd play better than some of them right now," Riley said Tuesday night. "I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62-years-old and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."

The guy may be Al Pacino's character in "The Devil's Advocate", but I'll be damned if that isn't a great quote.

The Hell Are You Looking At?

HEY YOU! What....(BURP)....the....schnlar ya lookin' at? Ya, I'm talkin' to you! Ya feelin like ya wanna go home in a body bag, don't....(VOMIT)....don't....(VOMIT)....body bag don't....(VOMIT BLOOD)...don't ya? Oh I feel much better. SHIT! The....the shakes are back. DONNIE! DONNIE! WHERE'S DONNIE? (Weeps uncontrollably and falls out of chair)

HEY WHERE'S MY DRINK? YOU! You....it was you, you son...son of a BITCH! As soon as I get myself off this floor I'm gonna skull fuck you....yeah, I saw you eyeing my Rob Roy. When I get done with you, Hondo's gonna give you a Sloppy Thurston like we used to do back in the 60s.

Ohh, this is a nice floor....nuthin like this in Maui. Go ahead. I want you to have it.

BARTENDER! Gimme....gimme a si-(FART)-x pack of Schlitz. I'm in this for the long haul tonight. Wha? Where's Marciulionis? That Commie bastard was always good for a laugh. He was always asking me when we were gonna run some set plays. PLAYS!?!?!?!, I'd say. I had no idea no idea we were a bunch of pussies!

Baron Davis: Coach! Who are you talking to? Have you been paying attention at all to what's been going on? It's the 3rd quarter!

Michael Jordan Done Fucked Up

Michael Jordan is getting a divorce.

This isn't huge news as it is tough to go anywhere these days without seeing a photo of Jordan drinking, drooling over teenage girls, and double-fisting cigars with cohort (and devil-on-your-shoulder-for-hire) Charles Oakley.

What IS huge news is the amount his wife is about to get: 168 million dollars!

That sets a record for celebrity divorces (no, seriously, it does) and makes rich guys with unhappy wives across the nation sweat profusely as they read this entry. So where did Jordan go wrong? Let me count the ways:

1) He shouldn't have married Michael Jackson. Anyone who has seen Michael Jordan's wife has inevitably uttered the same phrase: "Wait...no seriously, who is Jordan's wife? Get the hell out of town. THAT is his wife?" I'm not a beauty pagent judge (I'll leave that heavy lifting to Tony Romo), but I am with most of America with the thought that Michael Jordan could do better. Mrs. Jordan could have the most amazing personality in the world and it still doesn't change the fact that she is dating THE MAN WHO BUILT BASKETBALL. Even if she was gorgeous it wouldn't matter. A man with such a hand in history cannot sustain one woman, but rather deserves a harem and a half.

2)He shouldn't have become a spokesman for a phallic-shaped delicacy. Every man in the world knows that only two types of men have huge amounts of confidence: A) Jerks, B) Married Guys. Single women like the confidence of married guys. Thus, married guys have enough temptation in the world to fill a stadium. Throw in the fact that Michael Jordan was a beloved idol who traveled to a different city every night chock full of women and you have a recipe for disaster. Now, imagine that same disaster, but with those same women yelling, "Give me your hot, juicy beef frank. I want it in my mouth" and you have grounds for divorce, my friend.

3)He did the movie Space Jam. This is unrelated to the divorce, but talk about a fucking travesty.

4)He didn't run the wife over with a golf cart. This really is the biggest mistake Michael Jordan made. When you have hundreds of millions of dollars, know that the wife you have loved for so many years has become obsessed with money instead of you, and you have begun seeing "Jacoby & Meyers" on the outgoing caller ID, it is time to take action. Michael took this as his cue to go golfing with buddies and let the situation play out. Bad idea. The whole thing would have been avoided if he had just shifted that same golf cart he was in into high gear and tore through the house. -And you know Oakley would have had a funny quip like, "Playing through!" to yell in between sips on his flask.

So, sorry Michael, but you brought this one on yourself.

R.I.P Miami's Losing Streak

Sadly our hopes for a 20-game losing streak celebration were dashed almost as soon as they began.

Tonight we bow our heads and say a fond farewell to the Miami Heat's 18-game losing streak dating back to last season, which was unceremoniously snapped against the New York Knicks (who else?). It is quite sad that we could not experience the beautiful milestone of 20 in a row together, but cheer up...there is a happy ending to this story.

In one last ironic kick in the crotch, the Associated Press article about Miami's win (published on Yahoo! and other sites) ended thusly:

"Even with their 0-5 start, the Heat were a long way from the worst start in franchise history. They lost their first 17 games in 1988, their first season."

It is somehow fitting that the writers were trying to take a "glass-half-full" look at Miami's play of late by saying "Well, at least they didn't lose 17 straight!", and didn't even realize they had lost 18 straight dating back to last season. Somewhere Tony Reali, and other sports stat-check nerds across America, just shot up in their beds and started screaming.

Who Else Has Guitar Hero Fever?

After picking up Guitar Hero III this weekend, I now have Living Colour's "Cult of Personality" permanently stuck in my head and a claw for left hand that's similar to one of a middle school chronic masterbator. Thank you Playstation! This got me thinking. Remember how Joel Zumaya of the Detroit Tigers hurt his arm and wrist from playing too much Guitar Hero II? Who in the NBA could first fall victim to this highly addictive game? Not that the culture of basketball lends itself to rock and metal, but you don't have to have Ozzy tattooed on your knuckles to enjoy this sucker. In formulating this list, I tried to ignore the few obvious ones like Scott Pollard or Agent Zero (who anyway, I bet just sticks to Halo and online poker) and went with the ones you might least suspect.

1. Vince Carter
After stealing a PS3 from a player on the Liberty, Marcus Williams will let VC have a shot at it. Although prolific during the rounds, he fails early during a boss battle and feigns a hamstring injury and quits.

2. Carlos Boozer
Backne is sometimes the impetus for a kid to pick up a guitar and Boozer has plenty of it. (And he's still got a bone to pick with Prince). Too bad for him the elephant steroids he's taking won't stop the internal bleeding in his thighs.

3. Marcus Camby
This Hartford High School alum is as brittle as a virgin's hymen on The Pickup Artist, so when he tries to shred the plastic axe, he's on that 2-4 weeks list.

4. The Man They Call Sheed
Seriously, it's not him that really wants to play. Just the voices in his head.

Penny Starts, Lil' Penny Winces

Yesterday someone said to me, "So you write about basketball...how are the Miami Heat doing this year? I haven't been following them."

I just responded, "Well, apparently Penny Hardaway is supposed to start for them tonight."

The guy blinked for a second, then said, "Wait...you mean Penny Hardaway from the 90s? The one who was on the Magic back in the day? I thought that guy retired a long time ago."

He then looked at me and giggled, expecting for me to relent and say I was joking. When he noticed my expression hadn't changed, he said, "Oh...well that's sad. That's just really sad."

I feel like this is a common conversation happening in Miami these days. In last night's game Penny did indeed start, shot a blistering 0-3 from the field, and was promptly thrown back to the bench. Granted, it was against the Suns, but the Heat lost and made the Heat 0-5 to start out the season. This is just the latest of the zany stories to come out of Miami, quickly becoming our favorite team to watch in this early NBA season.

The consecutive losses for the Heat, dating back to last season, now stands at 18 straight losses!

If they reach 20, THF will have a fun celebration in their honor. Stay tuned!

Basketball Players Are Smarter Than A Fifth Grader

Who would have thought that all of Matt Leinart's ballroom dancing classes in college wouldn't help him do simple math. According to the Arizona Republic, Amare Stoudamire bought the Cardinal QB's house for $1.9 million dollars. Great value considering that Leinart bought it for $2.4 million. Experts would say that Leinart's $500,000 loss could be chalked up to a slow market, but the girls in office say it's because Paris Hilton's skanky make-up is caked on all the walls and ceiling. Me? I think it's because Kurt Warner's wife won't leave the premises.

David Stern Bends The Fabric Of Space And Time To Screw Seattle

David Stern must read this site.

Not only is this the case because someone has been drunkenedly emailing the site lately, demanding round-the-clock Knicks coverage (as well as making odd references to his synthetic balls), but also because Stern's words today are in direct reference to us betting Seattle would get a franchise soon after the Sonics left like Charlotte did.

Today David Stern came out and said, "I too shit upon Seattle" by proclaiming from on top of a mountain that Seattle would be screwed long term if they allow the Sonics to leave. Apparently he was scorned by the city giving all of their money to their baseball and football franchises.

If there is one thing that I have learned as a 6 foot 5 guy, it is never...EVER...screw with a guy that has "short man's disease".

The best part of Stern's words? Apparently he will do everything possible to ensure that the city never has another NBA team for ALL OF ETERNITY. This time estimate comes directly from the article:

NBA commissioner David Stern warned Thursday that if the SuperSonics leave Seattle he sees no way the league would ever return to the city. "I'd love to find a way to keep the team there," he said, "because if the team moves, there's not going to be another team there, not in any conceivable future plan that I could envision, and that would be too bad."

2 years? That is bad.

10 years is even worse.

-But to say that he doesn't think a team will EVER return to Seattle is insane and somehow makes me respect David Stern more than ever before.

Obviously Stern has a plan in motion to somehow jump through time to police the NBA in the future, much like the television show "Quantam Leap" or the movie "Time Cop" with Van Damme. I envision an apocolyptic land of the future, where terrorists have blown up half of the world and criminals run everything. Sure, people might get killed and beaten and hundreds of thousands will lose their lives (no doubt as a result of the Future Dragons, which shoot lasers out of their eyes)...but on the bright side there will never be an NBA team in Seattle with David Stern around.

This thought lets me sleep better at night.

On the other hand, I could be completely wrong. There also exists the chance that David Stern is The Highlander.

THF Anal Thermometer Watch: New Orleans Hornets Edition

The New Orleans Hornets, a team that one third of NBA fandom still calls the "Charlotte Hornets", the other third calls "That team with the late 80's teal and purple colors", and the final third calls "The asian bees" (what's with the eyes on that thing?) is looking good this season.

-And not just "good". They're looking "goooood" in a 'Billy Dee Williams winking at you, buying you a drink, and next thing you know you're another notch on his bedpost' way.

The team that The Howeva Files so wisely proclaimed would finish last in the Southwest Division is not only somehow winning the division (which contains the Spurs, Rockets, and Dallas), but is also 4-0, have beat some damn good teams in the Lakers and Nuggets, and last night blew a wet fart on all sorts of team records.

TEN 3-pointers for Peja? TWENTY-ONE assists for Paul? Yowza.

Which leads us to the obvious follow-up point: Why isn't anyone talking about this? The answer lies in the fact that the Hornets just aren't sexy in a lot of people's eyes. They don't have a cool, hip location like New York, they don't have a bad boy who cheats on his wife and makes the headlines like Kobe...they don't even have an original logo, having blatantly ripped off that Georgia Tech logo.

What they seem to have that those other teams don't is a good, deep team: David West is the best player no one in the world talks about (including his relatives probably), Chris Paul seems obsessed with assists, when healthy Peja still can do almost anything on the court except shave, Tyson Chandler filled his Chicago quota by blossoming after he left there, Morris Peterson is pretty good when he tries, and reserves Rasual Butler and Bobby Jackson remain two of the league's most fun reserves to watch...despite most people thinking Bobby Jackson died several years ago by looking at him.

And as if it wasn't a big enough slap in the face that no one has been paying attention to them, they are playing in rebuilt New Orleans and can barely get as much press as Drew Brees' face-mole thingy. They should be respected for playing there.

Well, we want to change that.

At this point in the season, on a scale of 1-1o on the THF Anal Thermometer Watch we give the Hornets a very respectable 9 and chock full o' disease rating, which amounts to a huge enjoyability in watching them, and probably the ultimate reason that Bobby Jackson is decaying.

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On a side note, the friendly folks at RealGM.com just informed the site that the Hornets have a secondary logo that is pretty cool. It is provided for you to see on the right there.

How in the WORLD is this not their primary logo? Like that old 50's Cleveland Browns elf, it is seemingly on the shelf in favor of a shit stain.

Love the fleur de lis and penis-shaped head. I might write David Stern I like this logo so much.

THF Fantasy Basketball Insider Expert Analysis Profiles Of Courage

STRONG BUYS
1. Jason Collins
Collins, or as we like to call him around the office, 'The Beached Whale,' finally scored his first points of the season with a put-back in the third quarter of last night's game against Atlanta. Serban, the guy from accounting who's a numbers whiz, says that's an infinite improvement over his previous two games and if he continues to improve every game at this rate, he'll surely win you your league.

2. Derek Anderson
Raymond Felton is going to be out for the next few games after injuring his left knee last night against the Phoenix Suns. An MRI determined no damage, but my fantasy microscope reveals that he'll be sure to lose his job to fantasy stud, Derek Anderson.

Surprised he's still in the league? We're not. Over the span of the '03-'04 season for the Blazers, Anderson averaged a respectable 13.6 ppg, 4.5 apg, 3.6 rpg, and 1.3 spg. Actually, Anderson had been averaging like 80 ppg, 65 apg, 45 rpg, and 600 spg for a few weeks at the beginning of the season. We're talking Jason Collins numbers my friends! But as with all legendary figures, Anderson had a flaw, his teeth. As when Samson lost his hair, it all turned to shit when he had to get his wisdom teeth removed.

My insider sources, particularly the lonely salesperson at the local GNC, told me that MJ won a rich Chinese dude's wisdom teeth during a game of high-stakes baccarat at Mohegan Sun and they're now surgically implanting them into Anderson's mouth. What can only follow is sheer fantasy basketball magic.


SELL MUTHAF***ER, SELL!
1. Chris Bosh
One point?!!?!?!?!?! Even Jason Collins can do better than that! Don't even bother trying to trade this guy. Just dump him now while you still have a chance at Derek Anderson.

2. Carmelo Anthony
As a kid, I never liked Caramellos. I was bat-shit crazy for Whatchamacallits. Seriously...I was freebasing that sweet nectar. (Sigh) Anyway, 'Mello didn't take any cheap swings at any Knicks last night. See if you can unload this pussy on your friend's girlfriend who's in your league because you wanted to have an even number of teams participating.

YOU'RE WELCOME

I Feel Sick

This man's balls were waxed on MTV's A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila. From the look of this picture, I don't really believe it because if I were in the same position, I'm sure I'd have a kick-ass samurai slicing my head off.

More basketball tomorrow!

Hugh-ge Mistake...OH WHAT A PUN!

Remember way back in 2005 when the Cavs signed Larry Hughes instead of going after Ray Allen, Michael Redd, and Joe Johnson? I do. More specifically, I remember reading an Inside Hoops article talking about how good a move it was to get him instead of those guys.

How's that working out?

This marks the absolute earliest part of the season that Larry Hughes has reminded everyone he isn't the compliment the Cavs are looking for to help Lebron. In fact Mr. Hughes has been so bad, like Ron Burgandy talking to his dog, I'm not even mad at him...I'm sort of impressed.

To go along with shooting 27% from the field, Hughes has been in foul trouble constantly and has yet to reach double digits in 3 games (despite significant playing time). He has almost as many turnovers (7) as made field goals (9). For those of you snobs saying, "Whatever, at least he is healthy", Larry missed practice Monday with mucho leg problemos and with a balky knee it sounds like he already knows his body is disintegrating like an alka seltzer.

"Well, at least he is good in fantasy basketball. He had 7 steals in his first game!" I dunno, man. Even Yahoo! fantasy nerd writers are making fun of anyone who drafts him.

In stretches last year, LH was superb and really seemed to be giving it his all. The problem with this is that he is wildly inconsistent and there are times when I watch him and really think he doesn't comprehend what the team really wants from him. More often than not, you are left with him messing up and the cameras cutting to that nonstop image of Lebron biting his nails on national television. If you needed a translation for when he bites his nails, it is "This team is SO fucked. That guy is supposed to be my primary complement? The Pippen to my Jordan? Shit. I give it about 2 more years until I go Garnett on this franchise."

Cleveland plays tonight, and I'm hoping that Larry does well and proves me wrong for the sanity of those Cavs fans reading. Until then, keep scanning the newspapers for this headline:

"Larry Hughes, 28, found murdered. The only evidence police have found is a trail of bitten fingernails and a crown."

There's No Need To Worry. You're All Losing Your Jobs

Now that the Patriots-Colts game is over, the WWL is telling me that it's OK to recognize that there are other sports out there.

What you might have missed during the past few days:
1. Navy beat Notre Dame
2. The Fabulous Moolah died
3. The guy from Hang Time is still coaching the Kings
4. The Bulls want more power forwards

Only a few days removed from trying to put down the Kobe-to-Chicago trade rumors, the Bulls are once again looking to make everyone on the roster nervous with the new rumor that the team will pursue Elton Brand, the LA Clippers' injured franchise star who becomes a free agent in the off-season. If this were to actually happen, it would likely take place in a sign-and-trade deal so Brand could get the largest contract possible and the Clippers could get something in return for losing their one star.

Since Chicago is a team of cheap youngsters like Joakim Noah and Ben Gordon, such a deal would be attractive to the Clippers, who are notoriously frugal. For those five of you who immediately jumped on the bandwagon and bought Clippers jerseys and hats, you've been had. Quite obviously that Clippers playoff win was something that comes just as often as Haley's Comet. Might I recommend the Celtics? A Ray Allen jersey and one of those pink Red Sox hats would be just great for you.

Dwayne Wade To Heat: Play Soon? Are You Fucking Joking?

There is a good chance Riley will throw the decaying corpse of Dwayne Wade on the court any moment now

While a lot of teams have looked good and bad in spats early this season, the Heat have looked like complete cat barf. -Maybe even worse...they've been looking as attractive as Kirstin Dunst out there.

For those of you not paying attention, or maybe kissing Tom Brady's jock (yes, I'm talking to you, Salisbury), here is a quick run down for you of how they've played so far, accompanied with a delightful pictorial of team genius Jason Williams:

-Miami lost all 7 of its preseason games. This was excusable because it's just the preseason, right? Heh...heh...(uh oh).

Fun Quote: "Even though we're 0-7, it's not the end of the world. Ready or not, here we come" -Pat Riley

-Miami loses his opener to the Pistons by 11, looking apathetic in the fourth quarter and old.

Fun Quote: "Very disappointing way to start the season, obviously" -Pat Riley

-Miami loses to the Indiana Pacers, with a rookie, Daequan Cook, leading the team with 17 points. The team again makes huge mistakes at the end of the game.

Fun Quote: "We couldn't get a stop, and we couldn't get a bucket, and we couldn't get a free throw in," he said. "It was just very frustrating for our guys." -Pat Riley

-Miami lost last night to the Bobcats, trailing at one point by 16 points and rallying late only to have it go nowhere.

Fun Quote: "We're not going to get down about it" -Pat Riley

But have no fear, Heat fans! Read these words from Yahoo! Sports and take solace that things will get easier soon:

"With a trip coming up Wednesday to San Antonio - where Miami is 1-19 all-time - followed by a home game Friday with Phoenix, things won't get easier anytime soon."

Ah well, at least these most recent developments would explain Dwayne Wade getting rushed into action faster than you can say "dislocated left shoulder". The Heat doctors are clearing him to practice ahead of schedule, the team's coaches are throwing him into "no-contact" drills, fans are screaming for him to save their sinking ship...it's no surprise Dwayne Wade has taken a step back and wisely said, "I don't trust you assholes. I'm going to come back when I feel healthy."

Okay, okay, maybe he didn't use those exact words, but you have to read between the lines, people. Sports outlets are making it sound like they are playfully nudging him back to playing, but they are desperate now to the point of not caring about his long term health.

The Heat, after all, lost their final two regular season games last year, became the first defending champion since 1957 to get swept in the first round of the playoffs last year, lost all 7 preseason games this year, and have started the season 0-3.

For those of you who can count and can looking past Riley and the franchise's "We'll right this ship" talk, that makes the Heat...

Drumroll...

THE LOSERS OF 16 STRAIGHT GAMES!

How is no one talking about this? That is monumental! I am suddenly WAY more interested in how many more they lose and how much crazy optimism Riley can use to cover it.

Wade, take a few more days off on us. -And when you come back please do us a favor and bitch slap those doctors and Heat staff members for trying to rush you back out there (our hands are still sore from bitch-slapping the guy who sold Brad Miller that home cornrow kit).

Think Of It Like 40 KITTs

The reigning MVP/super-choker, Dirk Nowitzki, was today's Grand Marshall during the NASCAR Nextel Cup Series Dickies 500 at Texas Motor Speedway in Fort Worth, Texas. Why NASCAR wanted a 7' German basketball player who sings Hasselhoff while shooting free throws is beyond me, but it's quite obvious Dirk's obsession for all things Hoff knows no limits. That or he was hoping the super hot in an 80s sort of way, Rebecca Holden, would be around.

Breaking News: Seattle Gets Shat Upon

I don't know if this is really breaking news as we all knew it was coming for some time now, but the Sonics announced they are going to be moving to Oklahoma City. Oklahoma is best known for that piss poor musical (Yeah, I said it. Wanna fight, ancestors of Rodgers and Hammerstein?) The people of Seattle now officially have their Art Modell in Clayton Bennett (shown below) that they can hate while drinking mocha frappucinos.

It's tough to have your team stolen by a selfish owner, but even harder when his eyes appear to be askew like James Lipton.

I feel bad for the people in Seattle, who really are some great fans. They support their baseball team, although that franchise is run by people who must be blindfolded. The Seahawks fans also show support for their ever-underachieving franchise, somehow rooting for a team that lists D.J. Hackett as a part of their core. Good luck with that.

Now the Sonics get Durant, the sun is finally shining for the first time since Payton was on the team, and they get taken away.

Can I be first to predict that Seattle, a major market, will get awarded an NBA franchise sometime in the next 5 years like Charlotte was? Is that allowed or is it way too obvious? I eagerly await the next incarnation of a silly-named team like the Bobcats, which I'm hoping is Wombat-related.

New-Look Celtics Debut Tonight: Get Out Your Earplugs

The day has finally come: the day when a news story had the coolest title ever.

-But also, the day has come to see what the new look Celtics team actually looks like on the court.

Part of me really wants to watch this, especially with Gilbert Arenas and the promising Wizards on the card, and part of me really, REALLY doesn't. Why wouldn't I want to watch this game, you ask? Because every year an NBA team comes out that gets slobbered over (or "slurped" as the PTI guys put it), and tonight's game will be the epitome of it.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, here is a handy dandy preview of how the announcers will be calling throughout the game:

The Celtics score a basket, and are leading in the game: "WOW! Look at this team! They look unstoppable! In a weak East, these guys could do some DAMAGE! Just look at the smiles on their faces!"

or

The Celtics completely suck ass, doing everything wrong and losing the game by 40 points: "Well, this team just needs time to gel. With so many pieces added, you know they will get it together and find a way to win. They still are the top team in the East in my eyes. Really just an unheard of combination of talent."

If you can imagine an entire game of that, nonstop, with little sprinkles of mentioning the other players, you can imagine my concern. If Bill Walton is calling the game, just put an axe in your forehead right now and save yourself the trouble.

This game does present an interesting opportunity: The Wizards might be mentioned so infrequently, there is a golden chance to make a drinking game out of it. Any time a member of the Wizards gets spoken about longer than in passing, you drink.

For example: "Arenas with the basket" in a monotone voice in between conversations about Paul Pierce's green headband does NOT count.

On second thought, there could very well be some angry, very sober people writing me after the game, so nix that idea.

Maybe play another game: Every 100 times the Celtics are gushed over you change the channel.

Hopefully they aren't on the other stations too. Paul Pierce probably won't be in the nonstop discussion about the Heisman vote on ESPNews.

Or WILL he?

On a side note...wow...talk about finding a perfect photo for what I said. (Pats himself on the back)

Grant Hill Likes Bad Music

Carlos Arroyo Still Refuses To Pass

So long as the Magic don't run into that creepy old lady, they will be fine.

Kudos go out to Adamos for the find.

Were You Drunk And In Costume? Here's Your Opening Night Recap

THE NBA SEASON IS HERE...YOU KNOW...FOR ALL THE TEAMS NOW!

We had lot of questions this offseason that needed answering:

1) Is Cleveland really going to be THAT bad this season?

2) Do the Magic have a legitimate shot at being a contender this year?

3) Are the Nets done?

4) Will this be the season the Spurs finally look beatable?

5) Will Kevin Durant ever pass?

If last night's exciting opening night was any indication, we were on the road to getting them answered:

1) Yes

2) Yes
3) No

4) Yes

5) Durant: "Passing? Is that like shooting at another person and not at the hoop? Never heard of it."

Let's start with the game that everyone was hyping the most: Cavs vs Mavs. This game was over in the first quarter as Dallas outscored Cleveland by 14 early on. After that, it was one titanic stomach-churning realization that this Cavs team will be on television every waking hour and are really awful to watch when Lebron isn't hitting his shots. Mavs won 92-74.

The game yours truly was watching (I did my Halloween partying this past Saturday) was the Magic-Bucks. A revamped Magic team playing against the biggest question mark in the league in Yi was too good to pass up. This game actually was back and forth until the 3rd quarter, when the Magic hit almost everything they threw up from the three point line and lept from being down 1 to being up by 20. Rashard looked amazing, the Magic demolished the Bucks, and the Orlando looked like a team befitting being called THF's pick to win the Southeast. In the end Magic won 102-83.

They may have sat up angrily from their recliners and yelled at the neighborhood kids for being on their lawn, but the Nets still have what it takes as they played the Bulls well. They played an extremely good game against the team every sportswriter in the world picked for Eastern Conference champ this year in the Bulls. Memo to the sportwriters: If the team is making a wacky attempt to get Kobe Bryant, they aren't sold on their roster being good enough. As Ron Burgandy said, "It's science." Nets won in overtime, 112-103.

As for the routine killer of NBA ratings (Which I proudly contribute to. They are boring as hell), the Spurs had the new-look Grizzlies gave them a run for their money last night. Memphis is a hot team to pick this year for getting back to the playoffs given their new coach in Mike Iavaroni, a healthy Pau Gasol, and the grooming of promising picks Rudy Gay and Mike Conley. Sure enough they looked pretty good out there and had a lead at the end of the game. That Grizzly with the glowing yellow eyes got into their minds and told them to keep fouling Ginobili at the end, a huge no-no. Darko looked like a turd out there tonight. Spurs won 104-101.

In the late game, it was time to view the THF pick for Rookie Of The Year and All-Emaciated Team Member in Kevin Durant's Sonics against the Nuggets. For fantasy basketball teams, he had a pretty good all around night, but for anyone watching the game it was quickly learned that Durant does not like passing. Even the sportscasters were saying, "He's trying to do it all himself, and doesn't seem to realize that involves getting his teammates the ball." FINALLY, what we were waiting for. As Jesus was the physical manifestation of God's love (or something like that), Kevin Durant appears to be the physical manifestation of TMac's "It's on ME!" speech. Man, I love the NBA. Nuggets won 120-103

As for the rest:

Raptors beat the 76ers 106-97: Bargnani looked great, TJ Ford's back reports no problems, 76ers lose their first of what will be 80 straight games.

Pacers beat the Wizards 119-110 in OT: Agent Zero hits a buzzer beater three to send this game into overtime, but the Wiz still can't overcome Caron Butler's attempts to lose this game for them (He had 8 turnovers).

Hornets beat the Kings 104-90: Those 3 people watching this one were treated to Chris Paul shredding Sactown for 22 points and 12 assists. Sorry, Brad...the cornrows were not good luck.

Robert Goulet 1933 - 2007

If you've ever been so lucky to stroll into a crowded karaoke bar and find BBJ and I blowing the brains right out of people's skulls, you're sure to have noticed that our baritone pipes are remarkably similar to that of the Grammy and Tony-winning Robert Goulet.

In devastating news, Mr. Goulet passed Tuesday after a bout with a pulmonary fibrosis, which was only treatable by lung transplant. To help us get through the next few days, I offer up Will Ferrell's homage.