Stephon Marbury BANNED! Madison Square Garden Attendance Goes From Two To One Person

Remember a while back when we reported that Stephon Marbury yelled about Isiah Thomas on the Knicks' team plane? If you want a refresher course, here are the elloquent words from Mr. Marbury:

"Isiah has to start me! I've got so much sh** on Isiah and he knows it! He thinks he can fu** me! But I'll fu** him first! You have no idea what I know!"

Well...all I can say now is that he must have known some pretty good stuff.

The New York Post reported today that the Knicks have placed a gag order on Stephon Marbury, preventing him to talk to the media AND have banned him from Madison Square Garden. They BANNED him, I say! That was the worst possible thing a city could do a person in the 18th century (not including dismemberment, drowning and being forced to marry the kings' ugly daughter).

Now, it's one thing to view a player as a detriment to the team and to tell him legal action will be brought against him for talking to the media...but to actually have a player banned from the home stadium makes this both laughable and super interesting all at once. What DOES Stephon Marbury actually have on Isiah? What did he do at this point to upset the Knicks? Will anyone even remember Stephon Marbury even exists one month from now? So many questions!

The biggest bit of intrigue to me is that Stephon Marbury is getting a gag order from the Knicks of all teams. No team has been more made fun of, more yelled at by their own fans, and more despised by their cities' media. The english language as a whole is even against them at this point. What could that team POSSIBLY hear from Stephon's lips that they haven't already heard? Arggg, more questions! Curse this infernal media gag order!

I only have three guesses at this point:

1) Isiah Thomas and Stephon Marbury, former friends, did some really no-no bad things with a girl at some point and Stephon is threatening to tattle. Think like Duke Lacrosse Team bad. Think the movie Very Bad Things bad. Would you be surprised if this was the info? Me either.

2) Isiah Thomas and James Dolan have a secret agreement that Stephon was told about. I call this the "Lost" theory, because like the television show, you're hoping there is SOME revelation at the end that explains everything. There has got to be some explanation as to how these two people are actually still employed.

3) Isiah Thomas is in fact the shapeshifting clown from the movie IT. This would at least explain the constant grinning. This is the most likely answer, and the one that keeps me up at night with a flashlight and a baseball bat.

I Love Me Some Bad Dunks

Slow news day in the NBA, so I thought I would post some of my favorite basketball dunks...of the crappy variety. Enjoy!

Hornets forward Julian Wright sets the bar rather high right from the get-go:



Delonte West goofing off in practice. Now we know where that mark on his face comes from:



A classic. Not an NBA player, but I say it's only a matter of time before the Knicks call with a contract:



And finally, a beautiful montage to the art of the horrifically missed dunk attempt:



It's sad that the missed dunk cannot be worth more than 0 points. The bruised ego scores with us all.

PJ Brown Ends His Career By Retiring In A Noble Fashion...Wait, Nevermind

The year long flirtation of whether PJ Brown would or wouldn't retire has finally reached its climax (Wow, I had no idea that was going to sound so sexual): Today, it became official that Brown is hopping on to ride the Boston Celtics bandwagon (...again, sorta sexual).

For those of you readers who peruse NBA team message boards on the internet, chances are you saw PJ Brown or Chris Webber's name pop up at some point as a possible cheap pickup option for your squad. While Webber's delay in signing seemed to be ego related since he demanded playing time be included in whichever contract he signed, PJ's delay seemed a little more legit. Whenever anyone asked PJ who he saw himself playing for, he would shrug and say that retirement was really the best option until further notice. Even I have to admit that's an adorable response. For the five of you that believed him when he said this, I have a created a nametag for you to wear to help you introduce yourself from here on out:

With PJ slapping some green on his chest (Is that sexual? Perhaps a stripper reference? I have no idea at this point), it is more obvious than ever that he was just waiting to see who would be in definite playoff contention so he could get in for the glory. With the Western Conference being such a crapshoot given all of the good teams, the Celtics are the closest thing to a surefire playoff ticket. At this rate it's only a matter of time before we see Dan Marino and Don Mattingly join the Boston Celtics to get that elusive championship ring.

Crazy to think that most Celtics fans, now hooting and holering around the town about how good their team is, looked like this just last season:

Ah well, at least there's room for more Dolan and Isiah paper bags.

It's A Fun Nickname...Right Up Until The Brain Tests

Bobcats star forward Gerald Wallace's nickname is "Crash", which is a cute reference to his penchant to tossing his body around the floor like a rag doll for his hapless, neon orange team. People watch him and Dwayne Wade run around and laugh and cheer like they're watching one of those bears on unicycles at the circus.

Well, maybe it's time to stop using the "Crash" nickname with a smirk and a giggle, and for someone to say, "So, uh, dude?...Can you take it down a notch?"

Why? Well, today Gerald Wallace is going to the brain doctor to undergo tests. Apparently, he just recently got his 4th concussion in 4 years, something which seems very difficult to achieve. You know you have issues when you get a brain-injury hat trick and THEN some. The latest concussion involved an errant elbow from Sacramento Kings' Mikki "all elbows" Moore, which knocked Wallace unconscious and made everyone really nervous for a while. If you've ever seen the Bobcats mascot "Rufus Lynx" nervous, you know something bad just went down.

This is only the latest in a list of completely bizarre Bobcats injuries. Let's recap:

Adam Morrison - Diabetes

Gerald Wallace - Fragile Brain

Derek Anderson - Dibilitating Dental Issues

Sean May & Othella Harrington - Knee Injuries have knee injuries, which have knee injuries

In all seriousness, we hope that Gerald Wallace gets better and stops hitting his skull. We all see how annoying Steve Young is on ESPN these days after all his concussions, and if that is the road Gerald's brain is headed down we need to give him a helmet NOW before it's too late.

It's On You Again!

The NBA news is all abuzz with genetic freaks. Sam Cassell has been bought out, and now Yao Ming is being reported to be done for the season with a stress fracture in his left foot. Right now Houston is riding a 12-game winning streak and would be seeded 7th if the playoffs were to begin today.

Tracy McGrady is most likely right now playing softball in his home with increased intensity, hoping to avoid depression and Stephen A, who is banging on his door right now looking for another ludicrous quote.

E.T. Go Home

The contract of extraterrestrial/gollum, Sam Cassell, has been bought out by the Los Angeles Clippers. Considering the Clips' frugal history plus the 100% certainty that Cassell would make everyone's life hell due to the team's inability to get their point guard traded by the deadline, this was a smart decision that might have been against Donald Sterling's nature.

The top three teams that covet this escapee from a genetic engineering lab while also possessing the most money to offer are Boston, Dallas, and Denver. While Dallas has the most money to offer, Boston could offer the most playing time. My hopes and dreams will come true if Cassell is reunited with George Karl in Denver, which is comparable to throwing a match onto gasoline that's covering Gary Busey in a public library.

That's all I got, so here's some more pictures of this freak-a-zoid.

Move Aside, Seacrest! THF Predicts The Oscars!

UPDATE: Wow...No Country and random The Bourne Ultimatum wins ruined my picks (and those of lot of other people in my pool). The only thing I seemed to predict correctly was that Jon Stewart would suck as host. My keen ability to predict who will annoy me stays intact.
----------------------
I just got back from a weekend trip to Atlantic City, $50 lighter in the wallet but richer in stories. While on my trip I ate like a king, drank like Sinatra, and apparently sleepwalked (this is yet to be confirmed with photographic evidence). The highlight for me was when I saw Arizona Cardinals QB Matt Leinart with his knockout (and I do mean knockout) girlfriend outside of a comedy club at the Borgata. I walked up to him and said, "Hey Kurt. I love what you're doing with the team". He gave me an annoyed look and walked away. He looked exactly like this, except he was unshaven and had shorter hair:

His girlfriend giggled so I consider it a victory.

This talk of entertainment and greed brings us to this year's Oscars. I know, you're probably wondering what Oscar picks are doing on a basketball website. To this I reply with the fact that lately Oscar parties are filling that void between Super Bowl and NBA Finals parties, so Oscar pools have become big business for gamblers. If you're like me, you're settling in to watch them with a bunch of buds and have some cold hard cash in an Oscar pool. You will need this cash to later bet on the NBA Finals, so victory tonight is crucial.

...Hey, I didn't say it was perfect logic, but if I can help a few thousand readers win some money by telling them who will win best animated feature, so be it.

Without any further ado, here are my Oscar picks for this year. I will update this list afterwards with any incorrect answers in "There Will Be Blood" RED.

Best Picture - There Will Be Blood

Best Actor - Daniel Day Lewis (There Will Be Blood)

Best Supporting Actor - Javier Bardem (No Country For Old Men)

Best Actress - Julie Christie (Away From Her)

Best Supporting Actress - Amy Ryan (Gone Baby Gone)

Animated Feature - Persepolis

Art Direction - Sweeney Todd

Cinematography - There Will Be Blood

Costume Design - Sweeney Todd

Directing - There Will Be Blood

Best Documentary Feature - No End In Sight

Documentary Short Subject - La Corona (The Crown)

Film Editing - No Country For Old Men

Foreign Language Film - Beaufort

Best Makeup - La Vie En Rose

Original Score - Atonement

Original Song - That's How You Know

Short Animated Film - Madame Tutli-Putli

Short Live Action Film - Il Supplemente (The Substitute)

Sound Editing - The Bourne Ultimatum

Sound Mixing - Transformers

Visual Effects - Transformers

Writing (Adapted) - No Country For Old Men

Writing (Original) - Juno

To be honest, overall I just want to see There Will Be Blood win as much as possible. Not only did I love the movie, but I am actually looking forward to the inevitable corny-as-hell "There Will Be GOLD!" headlines the next morning. The rest of my hopes involve Persepolis upsetting that animated Rat movie, and me being able to stomach Jon Stewart for longer than a half hour (unlikely). Enjoy the awards, folks! Hopefully we see someone trip up the stairs!

Is That All You've Got: An Anal Thermometer Watch

If you were to ask Black and Blue and GL who the biggest pick-up outside of Kevin Garnett was going into this season, they'd surely say it was Orlando's addition of former Supersonic Rashard Lewis. And why wouldn't they? With the size to post up smaller defenders and range to pull the larger ones away from the paint, Lewis has a career average of 18, 5, and 2. His ability to stretch the defense would hinder the competition from double-teaming franchise star, Dwight Howard. That alone would be worth his max deal paid over six years, right?

So far, not so much...

While his scoring average has dropped slightly, it is consistent with his career numbers. The big knock against him: he hasn't shot this poorly since his rookie year yet, he's jacking up a league-high 6.9 threes a game and shooting 2 less free-throws a game.

Enter the Holy Turk. Despite uncertainty of his role on the team or if he'd even make it through the season without getting traded, Hedo Turkoglu is averaging career highs in points, rebounds, assists, and free-throws attempted. He's emerged as the team's best facilitator in the half-court offense while proving he's the most clutch player on the team when the game's outcome hangs in the balance.

Unfortunately, he's reminding those optimists from the pre-season that Lewis isn't a spring chicken anymore and that he will never become a player worthy of wearing the title of superstar. In fact, he fits more closely into the category of good player on a bad team if anything. I don't want to rain on the parade of those who've fallen in love with Howard and the Magic, but Lewis's massive contract will prove to be a major roadblock in the road to a championship for the next 5 years. With Lewis clogging up the salary cap, can you really expect this team to make it to the finals, much less put up a decent fight against any power from the West? Because that's what this is all about at this point.

THF Anal Thermometer Watch: Houston Rockets Edition

Tonight the Rockets won their 11th straight game, beating the Hornets (our previous Anal Thermometer Watch Subject) with Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady combining for 62 of the team's 100 points. With the team appearing unstoppable lately, it's time to put on the ol' bifocals, take out the stethescope, and see what's gotten into the guts of these Rockets lately.

First and foremost I have to point out that the success of Houston boils down to far more than just Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming. Those two players contribute a ton, but the other players on the team have really stepped up and a are the glue that holds the team together...That being said, if either T-Bac or Yow! Ming (as the doctors know him) get significantly injured again this team will sink like a stone. -Actually like a stone tied to a 2-ton weight.

We already know a ton about McGrady and Yao, so let's take a gander at the rest of the team shall we?

First, let's talk about Shane Battier. Most people remember him as that incredibly hyped Duke guy coming out of college, since he has really blended into the background with a somewhat boring game and even more boring persona. I perfer to focus on his natural gifts, which to me means focusing on the fact that there are aerodynamically cut ridges in his skull:

Seriously, I can't look at him without focusing on those skull ridges. What ARE those? If someone told me he carved those in to achieve higher speeds like drivers in NASCAR, I wouldn't bat an eye.

Next, we have AND1 "Skip To My Lou" Rafer Alston. Now THAT is an interesting character. Not only does he have the playful ability to skip while dribbling the ball upcourt, but he also allegedly slashed a man on the neck during a nightclub altercation. Really, that is what most people should look for in a role model and (when possible) ghostwriter for an autobiography. When I'm retired and famous, if my autobiography doesn't involve the words "nightclub altercation" than I have not lived a full life.

Next we have Luis Scola, the man G.L. Rawx likens to Antonio Banderas. I hesitate to agree with this, as I personally think he looks more like WWE Superstar "Rhino". For those of you not familiar with the wrestler Rhino (few are), his only move was to charge at a guy and spear him to the ground. Success completely revolved around this move. This all leads us to the inevitable conclusion that I somehow have more to say about WWE wrestler Rhino than Luis Scola. The guy rebounds and usually scores around 10 points. I dunno.

Beyond those three, we have a nice mish-mash of players. The team just traded for Flava Flav-lookalike Bobby Jackson, a guy who somehow is still productive despite getting fouled in a horrific fashion by someone at least once per game. They are also getting Gerald Green, the guy who did the "blowing out the candle dunk", which was arguably the coolest dunk in this year's dunk contest (he has teammate Mutombo jumping up like a schoolgirl on television at the sight of Dwight Howard's superhero outfit to thank for him losing). Lastly, Aaron Brooks is somehow making his name respectable again, despite sharing it with his backwards-pass-throwing counterpart in the NFL.

On a scale of 1-1o on the THF Anal Thermometer Watch we give the Rockets a bombastic 10 and the only prescription that can calm the feva is more cowbell rating. I picked them to come in second in the Southwest at the beginning of the season and it is good to see doing well so as to help me seem like less of a moron now than I was earlier in the season. Yay for that!

11 Player Deal Makes Everyone Forget Who Is On Seattle, Cleveland, and Chicago

Yowza!

In the wake of THF writer G.L. Rawx's prediction that there wouldn't be any more trades before the deadline today, the Sonics, Cavs and Bulls decided to trade about a bajillion guys.

Here's how it breaks down from a technical standpoint:

-The Cavs get Ben Wallace, Joe Smith, Delonte West, Wally's Szczerbiak, and the Bull's 2nd rounder.

-The Bulls get Larry Hughes, Drew Gooden, Cedric Simmons, Shannon Brown

-The Sonics get Ira Newble, Donyell Marshall, Adrian Griffin.

Now here's how it breaks down from a casual NBA fan's standpoint:

-Cleveland got a 33-year old Wallace, who is averaging 5 points and 8 rebounds, and his bloated contract. The missing championship link? I don't think even he believes that anymore. As for the rest, Delonte West isn't a bad pickup...but I am REALLY excited about Wally's World being on Cleveland. The same guy who basically made KG's life a living hell by bungling plays and singlehandedly lost games for Seattle will now be doing the same to King James. I can't wait to watch how this goes down. I shudder in advance for Cavs fans.

-The Bulls added guards number 500 and 501 to their roster by getting Hughes and Shannon Brown, but also got some big man help in Drew Gooden and Cedric Simmons. To be honest, I have absolutely no clue if there was really any plan that went into this move on the Bulls part. The trade probably just went down like this:

Bulls: "Hey Cavs. We want to rid ourselves of Ben Wallace at any cost. That whole huge contract thing was our bad. We really don't care how this deal goes down. You fill in the blanks, take and give who you want, and call us in the morning."

-As for the Sonics, I guess I'd have to say they were the winners in this whole thing just because they traded away Wally's World. If they think they've one-up the Grizzlies in the "we're going to dump salary at any cost" contest, they need to take a look at how Gasol is doing on the Lakers and think again. No one ruins their fanbase like the Grizz.

I'd comment more on this, but 11 player deals make my head hurt after a while. Let's just say that despite the hype it is likely none of these teams will sniff a championship after this and call it a night.

Spurs Get In Under the Gun

At the close of the deadline, I'm proud of our Association GM's. We're always complaining about how no one has the balls to make moves (Otis Smith), but we've seen some pretty nice movement this season. I think it's fairly safe to say (is it ever safe?) that we're not going to see much more if anymore dealing before the 3PM deadline, but last night we saw the Seattle Storm trade the coveted 4th pick in the WNBA draft to the Detroit Shock for the dominant perennial all star Swin Cash San Antonio Spurs deal a Bazooka Joe comic Fransisco Elson, Brent Barry, and their 2009 first round draft pick to the Seattle Supersonics for veteran (35 years old? Really?) C/F Kurt Thomas.

Like Ruben Studdard's recording contract, this deal is minimal, but has some sort of impact for someone somewhere. Elson and Barry's deals are expiring, so the Sonics are getting significant cap room for offseason dealings, and coupled with the trade exemption cash they got for Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis they should do well with that. But really, the deal gets done mainly for San Antonio's 2009 first round pick. I get that Seattle's blowing it up, but are you hoping that you can get a guy who can come in and play now with a super late first round pick? I know a boy can dream but damn Sam Presti, that's some dream. The only feasible explanation I can see for them being excited about a pick like that is the ability to deal it somewhere else; they have 2 picks in the first round for the next 3 years, which is more than enough to make some selections as well as have some nice trade bait.

Thomas should see plenty of playing time with San Antonio, he fits right in with that veteran/journeyman mentality that seems to work so well with the Spurs (Michael Finley, Robert Horry, Jacque Vaughn, Damon Stoudamire, Bruce Bowen, damn who on your team isn't old!?!?!), he'll compete with Fabricio Oberto for the starting job (yes he may start), and will easily be able to contribute and help them win now. How much I'm not sure, but there were plenty of teams that were taking a good look at Kurt Thomas for themselves, so the rich get richer while Durant shoots more. Next stop Oklahoma City!

Kobe Vs. Shaq: Gee, Anyone Watching This One?

Tonight on ESPN the Suns take on the Lakers for what seems like the 8 zillionth time in the past two years. We have the fun playoffs that featured these two teams going head-to-head to thank for that (and their mutual love of the color purple).

This game is different though, for obvious reasons you've probably already had yelled in your ear all day by television and radio analysts: Shaq will be on the Suns, and it is a fun coinkidink that his first game is against arch-villain Kobe Bryant. Somewhere David Stern just laughed to the heavens as he did the backstroke in a Duck Tales-esque money bin.

Personally, it couldn't be easier to figure out who America will be rooting with on this one. Kobe is a sneering, angry, trade-request plagued primadonna who got lucky in that his team surrounded him with some amazing talent this season. Shaq, meanwhile, is the aging goliath who has funny things to say, always gives a ton of credit to his teammates, and even helps fat kids shed weight for fun (I guess we all have our weird hobbies). Toss in the fact that the Suns are perennial also-rans and they will be playing at home tonight to a fired up crowd and this one could break the record for "most people in America rooting for one team". -Well, if you don't count the Super Bowl this year (Daily twisting of the knife in Patriots fans: Check).

Ultimately I predict a pretty incredible game with the Suns winning a close one at the end. I base this entirely on the fact that Phil Jackson will probably be typing up everything for his next book during most of the game. The game is about to start, and although they are two great teams, I will join the nation of NBA fans by having my eyes squarely on two players for most of the game:

Yep, you guessed it: Boris Diaw and DJ Mbenga!

I will use this photo above to point out one of my favorite things in the NBA ever: A little thing I like to call "The Boris Diaw Face". A while ago, I pointed out to my friends that Boris Diaw always looks like he is giving a girl the "You know you want me" face in all of his profile photos. We have since used this expression in social settings numerous times:

Me: How did last night at the club go?

Friend: Not good. I was giving girls "The Boris Diaw Face" all night and STILL nothing!

Me: I guess it's time to start dating farm animals then, my friend. That move is unstoppable.

A Good Team Mascot Scares Children

If you were to happen to check out the Orlando Sentinel today, here is the image you were presented with:

The image is supposed to represent the Orlando Magic attempting to make a trade deadline deal. This all is lost on the viewer who is thrown into madness at the steely gaze of the Magic mascot.

I go back and forth on whether Nets' "Sly The Fox...and mini-Sly!" or "Stuff The Magic Dragon" are the best mascot ever created. This image temporarily puts the advantage in Stuff's favor. What are in those briefcases? Body parts? Ransom money? Pounds of Columbian cocaine?

I'll go the safe route and say all of the above.

Second Half Preview PART THREE: I Stupidly Cling To My Preseason Picks

As we each look back at our 07-08 predictions for our NBA midseason review, I must say I am quite happy with how my early season picks have turned out thus far.

No, I wasn't anywhere near perfect...in fact in the Atlantic and Central divisions I think it is fair to say my predictions were the rough equivalent of a monkey throwing feces at the standings. Still, for the most part my choices still hold weight and that's why I'm changing very little.

Here are my midseason predictions on how things will turn out, with the changes from my early season picks in red.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Atlantic Division

1) Boston Celtics** (Guess they did live up to the hype. Oops)
2) Toronto Raptors* (Never bet against foreigners)
3) New Jersey Nets (I should have seen Vinsanity on this roster and ran)
4) New York Knicks (Isiah is making this prediction tough to keep)
5) Philadelphia 76ers (Anyone's guess what this team will do)

Central Divison

1) Detroit Pistons** (Who doesn't get better when Webber leaves?)

2) Cleveland Cavaliers* (Lebron could carry 2 teams at this point)
3) Chicago Bulls* (The team that ruined everyone's predictions. Congrats, Hinrich!)
4) Milwakee Bucks (A talented roster of weirdos. Redd will help win them more.)
5) Indiana Pacers (Diener is the only entertainment here, folks.)

Southeast Division

1) Orlando Magic** (Turkoglu is the surprise of the season. SVG is magical)

2) Washington Wizards* (Caron Butler turned into a #1 option. Scary!)
3) Atlanta Hawks* (The young talent finally gelled. Did not see this coming)
4) Charlotte Bobcats (Oh if only Morrison was healthy!...haha, yeah right)
5) Miami Heat (Everyone knew they'd be bad...but THIS bad?!)

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Northwest Division

1) Utah Jazz** (I still say Sloan for coach of the year. Anyone?...Sigh)

2) Denver Nuggets (Playing well, but Artest could derail them if he comes)
3) Portland Trailblazers (Oden will make this team elite)
4) Seattle Supersonics (Oklahoma City Supersonics...that's a long name)
5) Minnesota Timberwolves (McHale is still employed. Miracles exist, people)

Pacific Division

1) Phoenix Suns** (Shaq makes me worry about this prediction)
2) Golden State Warriors* (Yes, I still like the Warriors. I'm not crazy)
3) L.A. Lakers* (Kobe's pinkie worries me. I once broke my pinkie toe. Owie!)
4) Sacramento Kings (Artest should be shipped any day now)
5) L.A. Clippers (Back where they were all those years)

Southwest Division

1) Dallas Mavericks** (Hopefully Kidd will bring my championship prediction to life)
2) Houston Rockets* (Surprise! I still like the Rockets, winners of 8 straight)
3) San Antonio Spurs* (This team will be in the playoffs until we're long dead)
4) New Orleans Hornets* (This team surprised, but I can see them stumbling)
5) Memphis Grizzlies (Firesale time! ...AGAIN!)

Rookie of the Year: Kevin Durant

MVP: Lebron James (Gilbert getting hurt killed my prediction. I think Lebron IS his team this year)

Coach of the Year: Doc Rivers (Sorry, children...Jerry Sloan will never win.)

NBA Finals Outcome: DALLAS OVER DETROIT

And there you have it, some wacky and wild predictions. We'll see how all three of us do and tabulate it at season's end.

Second Half Preview: Attack of the Clones The New Batch PART DEUX

Sorry guys, it's not a post about that hot piece Valeria Golino, nor is it about her sexy counterpart Charlie Sheen, sorry ladies, but alas, it is not 1993, and there's no longer a Kelly Kapowski poster on my wall, BUT IT'S MY NBA SECOND HALF PREDICTIONS OH YEAAAAAAH!!!!

Damn he's awesome.

Anyway, here goes.

G.L. Rawx's Predicted Standings, Awards, and Random Stuff:
**Denotes Division Winner, *Denotes playoff team

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Atlantic Division

1) Boston Celtics**

2) Toronto Raptors*

3) New Jersey Nets

4) Philadelphia 76ers

5) New York Knicks

Central Division

1) Detroit Pistons**
2) Cleveland Cavaliers*

3) Chicago Bulls*

4) Indiana Pacers
5) Milwaukee Bucks

Southeast Division

1) Orlando Magic**

2) Atlanta Hawks*

3) Washington Wizards*

4) Charlotte Bobcats

5) Miami Heat

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Northwest Division

1) Utah Jazz**

2) Portland Trailblazers*

3) Denver Nuggets*

4) Seattle Supersonics

5) Minnesota Timberwolves

Pacific Division

1) L.A. Lakers**

2) Phoenix Suns*

3) Golden State Warriors

4) Sacramento Kings

5) L.A. Clippers

Southwest Division

1) Dallas Mavericks**

2) San Antonio Spurs*

3) New Orleans Hornets*

4) Houston Rockets

5) Memphis Grizzlies

Rookie of the Year: Kevin Durant

I don't see how anyone could state otherwise. His 19.4 points with 4.1 boards, 2.3 assists, and 1.1 blocks in 33 minutes a game are pretty strong, with the closest to him being Al Horford with a decent 9 point 10 board average.

Most Improved Player: Jose Calderon

'06-'07 Stats: 8.7 PPG, 5.0/1.4 APG/TOPG, 52% FG
'07-'08 Stats: 12.9 PPG, 8.9/1.6 APG/TOPG, 55% FG
That assist to turnover ratio is RETARDED.

MVP: Kobe Bryant

Kobe's game is evolving again, and now that he passes the ball people will notice his all around play, and remember that even with what he does with the ball, he still plays fantastic defense.

Coach of the Year: Doc Rivers

The Celtics are really just that good. I don't think they lose 15 games, and anyone who can coach those 3 guys and keep them all happy deserves to be recognized. Plus when Rajon Rondo is playing GOOD basketball, someone must be applauded.

NBA Finals Outcome: L.A. Lakers over Boston

Mulligan! Our Second Half Preview PART I

The Howeva Files was created at what some would call "The 11th hour" of the NBA offseason, leaving precious little time for us to preview what we think will happen this year...Still, we have a responsibility to you, our loyal readers, to pick what we think will happen to the NBA teams this upcoming season...even if it's thrown together at the last second and would probably get a D- as a grade in school.

Sadly, this was the best prediction we made back in October. In fact, we did get D minuses and are now kicked out of community college. Now that we've got nothing better to do, you can bet your kids' college funds on these well-researched predictions.

Anubis Taylor's Predicted Standings, Awards, and Random Stuff:
**Denotes Division Winner, *Denotes playoff team

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Atlantic Division
1) Boston Celtics**
2) Toronto Raptors*
3) Philadelphia 76ers*
4) New Jersey Nets
5) New York Knicks

Central Divison
1) Detroit Pistons**
2) Cleveland Cavaliers*
3) Chicago Bulls*
4) Indiana Pacers
5) Milwakee Bucks

Southeast Division
1) Orlando Magic**
2) Washington Wizards*
3) Atlanta Hawks
4) Charlotte Bobcats
5) Miami Heat

WESTERN CONFERENCE



Northwest Division
1) Denver Nuggets**
2) Utah Jazz*
3) Portland Trailblazers
4) Seattle Supersonics
5) Minnesota Timberwolves

Pacific Division
1) Phoenix Suns**
2) L.A. Lakers*
3) Golden State Warriors*
4) Sacramento Kings
5) L.A. Clippers

Southwest Division
1) Dallas Mavericks**
2) New Orleans Hornets*
3) San Antonio Spurs*
4) Houston Rockets
5) Memphis Grizzlies

Rookie of the Year: Kevin Durant
MVP: Kevin Garnett
Coach of the Year: Byron Scott
NBA Finals Outcome: DALLAS OVER CLEVELAND

Jumper Cables Bring Kidd Trade Back From The Brink Of Death

In the Wayne's World street hockey game of life, the Jason Kidd trade is "GAME ON!" again.

The Mavericks and Nets proved it will take more than a little Devean George to crash their party, today agreeing in principle to send Jason Kidd and Malik Allen to Dallas in exchange for Devin Harris, Trenton Hassell, DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager, 2 first rounders, and Keith Van Horn. Yes, America, Keith Van High Socks is back on the New Jersey Nets where he belongs. Time to dig those old Kidd Mavs and Van Horn Nets jerseys out of the dumpster (sorry, you stay in the trash, Derrick Coleman jersey).

Looking at this deal, the trade actually makes sense for both teams...something I haven't been able to say much in this lopsided trade-laden season. The Nets get a promising young player in Devin Harris and 2 late first rounders to rebuild with, while Dallas gets a two or three year window to win a championship. I did think the Mavs had a good chance of winning the title this season anyways, as I predicted way back when, but now I like their chances even more...I will now use this opportunity to not mention that I also predicted the Bulls and Nets would win their divisions. Those were...you know...bizarre computer glitches I know nothing about.

On a side note, that profile photo of Keith Van Horn above gives me the willies. He normally is an average looking guy, but there he looks like something out of The Hills Have Eyes.

With this deal making so much sense for both teams, I am hereby pledging 2 American dollars to DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager, or Keith Van Horn to find a way to veto this deal. I will include a extra big bottle of hair gel to Van Horn if he does it, as most people assumed he was dead and it would triple the comedy factor. I'd love to see my Dallas championship prediction pan out, but I would much rather laugh at Kidd being denied the trade again. Think of how fun it would be to see Kidd blowing free throw kisses in the direction of the Turnpike for another few years.

Ah, who am I kidding? This trade is pretty much a done deal. Hopefully I can stomach the Mark Cuban championship celebration, which may or may not include a silly black vest.

Kings Send A Kermit The Frog Sound-Alike To The Hawks

Since we were so focused on the Dunk contest yesterday, we didn't have much time to comment on the fact that the Atlanta Hawks traded Anthony Johnson, Tyronn Lue, Lorenzen Wright, and Sheldon Williams for PG Mike Bibby. This immediately helps the Hawks as America pretty much had no idea that those other players were even on the Hawks roster. The Kings, meanwhile, continue their slow and entertaining attempt to get Ron Artest to lash out again with this move. Joy!

Many people emailed THF asking if this move made the Hawks contenders. While I do think that it makes the 7-games-under-.500 Hawks more interesting, and a likely 8th seed playoff team in the crappy East, I don't think in the long run it will make them championship contenders. Earlier this year, rumors were swirling that Sacramento was in a huge rush to unload Mike Bibby because it was starting to get obvious that his skills were diminishing year to year. Looking at his career stats echo this sentiment. Furthermore, Steven A. Smith said today that it was a big move for Atlanta to get "A play-uh of Beebee's Calib-uh!", so this means it will inevitably blow up in their face.

The one thing the trade does do is increase the amount of Muppet impersonators in the Atlanta area. Since back in the day, Bibby's voice has been one of our favorite sounds in the NBA. His Kermit voice is just dead-on, albeit a bit on the quiet side with a bit of a drawl on it. We are frankly impressed that he keeps up the impression for so long:



Wait, that's his actual voice? Oh...that's rough.

Lights, Cape, ACTION!

Simply INCREDIBLE Slam Dunk Competition for 2008. Perhaps the most fun I've ever had watching a meaningless duel of people putting a ball in a hoop for celebrities. Dwight Howard completely stole the show with one of the most memorable dunks in the history of mankind, in which he used his superhuman abilities to throw the ball in the hoop. Seriously, the ball leaves his hands like a foot away from the basket. This may not be a "dunk", but it made me scream with delight like a schoolgirl. It was so cool, little kids had to make little construction paper projects to look at it so they didn't hurt their eyes (like when they attempt to look at the sun).

I'd elaborate more on this dunk, but a picture is truly worth a thousand words in this instance:

All Star Game Reminds People There Is Basketball In New Orleans

We are pumped for this year's All-Star Game in New Orleans.

Not just pumped as in "it'll be pretty neat to see a bunch of stars on the floor", but PUMPED as in "Holy cow, we may see Kobe be forced to play with a disintegrating pinkie".

PUMPED as there are a bunch of dunks that are suddenly too extreme for a competition as incredibly serious and law-abiding as the dunk contest, such as raising the basket to 12 feet.

PUMPED since even the Rookie-Sophomore game (a game that usually sucks ass and leads most people to say that they should get rid of it) ended with an exciting high-scoring 136-109 sophomore win, highlighted by Daniel Gibson's 33 points and Yi Jianlian's ability to remind people he still exists. NFL brass would kill to get anywhere near the hype and audience of the NBA All-Star Weekend, going so far as to remove their heads from the protective warmth of Tom Brady's jockstrap.

That aside, the primary goal of this All-Star Game really isn't as much to inject a steady flow of cash into the rebuilding of New Orleans, but rather to save the Hornets from being shipped out. As Anubis Taylor pointed out in an earlier article, if the Hornets fail to average 14,735 fans per home game through the 2008-09 season, the team is free to leave to move elsewhere. Right now, they are averaging a craptacular 12,645 after 25 home games. This would be a good amount if they were the Knicks, Grizzlies, or another team that only has morons buying tickets at this point, but as you likely know the Hornets are doing incredibly well this season. Yes, they have players that are nearly impossible to market like Peja Stojakovic, Tyson Chandler, and David West, but that isn't much of an excuse. If the NBA markets Bill Walton in any way, shape, or form, then the Hornets deserve thrice the attention.

To be honest, I attribute the lack of local interest in the Hornets to one thing: Their image hasn't changed enough since they were the ridiculous Grandmama led team in Charlotte:

The Hornets need to update their friggin' logo. While they have this incredibly cool and unique logo tucked away in random places on cool equipment..

...they still insist on using this ugly Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets rip-off bee that looks sorta like the early 90s cartoon "Denver The Last Dinosaur". For our sake, Hornets, change your image so that we can enjoy years and years of rooting for you.

Here's to an exciting All Star Weekend!

Now I'm Even More Excited For This Movie

In hearing that Will Ferrell would be starring in a basketball movie, I was hoping it would be more random crazy humor (like Anchorman and Old School) than toned-down trying-too-hard humor (like Talladega Nights and Kicking And Screaming).

If these Old Spice ads are any indication, I will be seeing this movie the night it comes out:

Happy Valentine's Day From The Howeva Files

It's that wonderful time of the year again.  

That time where lovers are forced by Hallmark to provide expensive presents for each other despite the fact that their wallets are empty after Christmas.

That time where single people burn effigies of their ex boyfriends and girlfriends, and those who have never experienced love start picking people off with sniper rifles from clock towers.  

Yes, 'tis Valentine's Day, the only day of the year in which little kids exchange cards with images of little naked guys with wings on them (-to my knowledge. Who knows what those no-good kids are up to these days?!)  It also is one of the very few days in which men can get away with bright pink dress shirts at work without much ridicule. 

We want to wish you and yours a most romantic holiday.  Now get to makin' babies!

Psyche!

Devean George is in fact Toni Braxton in disguise. George is currently blocking the 3rd blockbuster trade of the season in which Jason Kidd would be dealt to the Mavs using his unique rights as a player with a one-year contract.

...league rules dictate that players on a one-year contract -- but who are also eligible for Early Bird free-agent rights at the end of the contract -- cannot be traded without their consent. George, who earns $2.4 million this season, is one of 18 such players in the league at present, afforded the right to either approve or veto trades because those Bird rights are lost if they do get traded.

Essentially, he could be giving up his chance for getting a big contract, but considering his whining the past few weeks he'd be in favor of the trade if he got considerable playing time in Jersey. Problem is, George has not been very good since he stopped playing with Shaq and Jersey only wants George for his expiring contract. Look to last night's box score: 33 minutes, 0-11, 0 points, 4 rebounds and 2 assists. It's players like George that keep Penny Hardaway in the league!

So what does Toni Braxton have to do with any of this? It's been long rumored that a love triangle existed between her, Kidd, and Jim Jackson and that this was the impetus for getting Jackson and Kidd traded out of town. Folks, we've got ourselves another triangle that's likely going to keep Kidd from getting some sweet booty.

Optimists think that this trade will still go through, but I'm now envisioning Kidd in a Cleveland uni lobbing alley-oops to LeBron. I often drool over Jason Kidd, but did anyone really think he and Malik Allen (who really counts as a negative) were really worth 7 players? Cuban was obviously out hitting on co-eds the night before and left a voicemail for the Nets where he listed off every player on the roster and the number of draft picks in the next few years. Too bad, because this was going to make the West super-duper fun!

HUGE NBA News: I Guess We Better Start Brushing Up On Our German

First of all, in case you missed it, here is our post explaining how our previous Knicks article turned into an image of some nude guy. Once again, we apologize for that and return to our regularly scheduled CLOTHED website...

-Black and Blue Jor

-------------

A while ago David Stern tried to put his personal stamp on the timeless game of basketball by making his balls synthetic. This, as we know, stunk and caused a near riot against anyone who had a pair of hands (which it turns out many people have).

The obvious question that followed was, "Okay, if this egomaniac guy can't change the ball itself, what can he do to make future generations show that he was the greatest commish the sport has ever seen?" I had thought he would tell the refs to stop calling fouls and make the league an explosive league of gore, like the now-defunct XFL. Well, it turns out he would rather mimic the now-defunct World League.

Yes, ladies and gents, David Stern is putting a plan in action to bring the NBA to Europe! He wants there to be a 5 team European division in the next decade that includes London, Madrid, Rome, Berlin and....some other place. This is supposed to be the huge announcement over the All Star weekend, as they needed to do something big to make up for the loss of Shaq's shoe.

While on one hand we think the thought of European expansion sounds pretty cool (we at THF love our English Premier League Soccer), on the other hand this announcement will come with the gut-churning realization that our kids might one day be a fan of the "Berlin Wall-Knockers" or something. It's also a toss up how it will work out, as American expansion in Europe is still limited to big technology corporations and college coeds sleeping around while on study abroad semesters.

One thing I am very excited about is how the "bad seeds" on the NBA will get into whole new predicaments in another continent. The same NBA player who got busted for taking drugs and sleeping with prostitutes will now get in trouble for getting gored during the running of the bulls and drunkenedly falling off of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Also, the incredibly wacky injury reports of players will become even wackier once things like "Mad Cow Disease" and "severe allergy to saurkraut during Oktoberfest" start creeping in there.

Ultimately, while I would love to sit here and pan the idea as yet another example of a league getting too big for its britches, I am very excited about seeing foreign cities represented in the NBA. After all, how could a Lithuanian like myself pan the idea of the NBA in Europe after the "Lord of Lithuanian Sports" Sarunas Marciulionis said it was a good idea? You're right, I can't.

The only sad part of this whole thing is that Bryant "Big Country" Reeves is out of the league before this will happen. Seeing him try to salsa in Madrid would make me die a happy man.

THF Announcement: We Hate Hackers

Some of you might have been shocked to see that overlying concept of the site has jumped from basketball fanaticism to anatomy 101. FALSE! Today someone hacked into one of the images on the site and changed what was once a very innocent image of a house crumbling (to represent Isiah Thomas' Knicks foundation) to a man doing bad things with his "little guy".

Yes...that "little guy".

We apologize to anyone who might have seen this image and assure you that all measures have been taken to ensure this never happens again.

On a funny side note, the incident caused G.L. Rawx to have this phone conversation with his wife:

Anna: Did you see there's a penis on your blog?
G.L.: Is it mine?
Anna: Nope, sorry.
G.L. : :sigh: Oh well.

~The Staff

Acquiring Curry And Randolph And Then Dumping Them Was All Part Of The Master Plan

As we all know, it wouldn't be a trade deadline if Isiah Thomas wasn't involved.

After the world sat in silent wonder at the fact that the Knicks were actually not doing anything moronic near the trade deadline, Isiah Thomas finally gave into temptation. After all, he has a reputation to live up to.

Apparently, according to several league executives, the Knicks are desperately trying to unload Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry, arguably two of the biggest free agent moves under Isiah's tenure. So far, despite the incredible temptation to have a sex offender and a center that is allergic to rebounding, the phones have not been ringing.

On a larger scale, shopping Curry and Randolph puts Isiah's imaginary "foundation" theory into serious jeopardy. For those of you not familiar with this hilarious theory, you should know that whenever Isiah is anywhere near a microphone he mentions that the current roster is part of a larger master plan. In his eyes, it is only a matter of time before the foundation he has laid with the Knicks roster gels and they skyrocket to success. Let's take a brief moment and look at a live aerial view of how this foundation is doing:

The best/worst part of the story? Guess who once again is "off limits". Yep, who else but David Lee?! He is perpetually the guy the Knicks refuse to mention in trade talks, yet he almost never gets a shot to be in the starting lineup. David Lee's time on the Knicks is like watching an episode of Prison Break, but way more depressing since there is absolutely no way he will ever escape.

Spree Can't Afford To Feed His Yacht

There was only one news article today that the suffering Sonics coach, PJ Carlesimo, could have cackled at: Latrell Sprewell sold his yacht and will likely lose his house as well. This is the guy who has committed many a wrong, most notably the following:

1. Choked his coach.
2. Failed to mention to the Knicks that he had a broken hand, while on said yacht.
   
3. Turned down a three-year, $21 million contract adding, "I've got my family to feed."
4. Got the Knicks into the '99 Finals
   
5. CHOKED HIS FREAKIN' COACH! What more do you need?!?!
   

For those that may not remember, the name of the infamous yacht was Milwaukee's Best, coincidentally the same name of the worst beer in America to use in Beirut tournaments during your freshman year in your dorm's basement storage room that your student adviser/one of-age friend would put on.

What's needed at this point is to make an entirely new team with only players making comebacks in need of an elusive championship, aka extra cash. Pippen could run the point-forward while Oak sets illegal picks along the baseline for Allan Houston and Reggie Miller. Penny will sit on the bench telling the Kandi Man that he was in Blue Chips. JR Rider will give the finger to all babies within sight.

Guess Who Could Be The Next Team To Go From Gutter To The Penthouse!

Author's Note: I love that title because I actually live in a penthouse in New York. I may never get over the novelty of living in a type of apartment that shares itself with a popular adult men's magazine. On a side note, I have nothing against people who live in the gutter, although I'll be damned if they walk into my apartment without taking their shoes off first.

While it may be too late in the season for them to do anything this year, I would keep an eye on the Miami Heat if I were you.

Yes, seriously. Stop giggling. I know they have lost 6 straight and are a complete joke this season, but the Heat's highway theft of Shawn Marion for a broken-down Grimace from McDonaldland indicated that the team could be on the upswing quicker than previously thought.

In fact, when the Marion-for-Shaq deal happened it reminded me of when the Celtics got Ray Allen. Everyone at the time scratched their heads and said, "Well, THAT was a waste! Why get Ray Allen when they are so far away from contending?" Then, as we all know, the Celtics initiated phase 2 in their plan to take over the world by adding KG and they are now our supreme overlords (if this becomes a movie, it will feel similar to "Independence Day" except all of the aliens will look like Big Baby).

Well, rumors are now swirling around the Heat possibly adding another player. Namely, Mike Miller seems convinced that he is going to be sent to Miami. Apparently Mikey is telling his good friends that he will be traded for either the contract of Jason Williams or Ricky Davis. If the Heat got Miller for Ricky Davis it would somehow mean the Heat, in some roundabout way, traded Mike Miller for Antoine Walker. That is like getting a truckload of diamonds in exchange for a night of "anything goes" intimacy with Dennis Franz.

-Having Walker on your team is actually way worse than that, but that was the worst image I could think of for now.

Getting Mike Miller would make the Heat starting lineup:

Dwayne Wade

Mike Miller

Shawn Marion

Udonis Haslem

Mark Blount (or insert center they draft here)

Yikes, that looks like a pretty good team. Granted, the Miller trade has to go through first, but I'm writing this more to give you a heads up where the next "out-of-nowhere from-crap-to-gold team" might come from. We already know the Grizzlies want to completely crush their fanbase's hope beyond recognition and this would be a solid step in that direction.

Also, look for a possible trade to influence Pat Riley's current "should I stay or should I go" comments to the media (and The Clash karaoke stylings). After all, Riley only really wants to coach teams when they are already built up for him so he can ride the wave to glory. Look at it like Brett Favre's annual public waffling about whether he'll retire, except completely driven by how much he will win and devoid of any kind of soul. The lookalike for Al Pacino's character in "The Devil's Advocate" would accept nothing less.

The Southeast Division's Losing Streak Is Fun For All Ages!

It was a slow Sunday, with most people (myself included) basically taking the day off and relaxing. The extra time allowed me to take a glance at the standings and it would appear that one team has had a bad run of losing lately.

This team I refer to is the entire collective Southeast division.

See what I did there? I zinged ya!

I didn't? You saw it coming because it was in the post title? Crap. Well I guess you got me there.

Anyhoo, with the exception of the Magic, who have actually been doing quite well lately and only have a losing streak of 1 game, all of the Southeast teams have been losing in droves:

- The Wizards have cooled after a resurgance and have lost 6 straight. I should note that the Wizards have a chance to either extend or snap this streak right now as I write. They are currently trailing the Suns 75-71. Only you, reader of the future, know the outcome!

-The Bobcats have lost 6 straight and appear ready to admit that Jason Richardson was not the answer to all of their problems. The grassroots campaign to bring the Hornets back to Charlotte should start any day now.

-The hapless Heat played their first game with Shawn Marion and still lost their 7th straight game. The fun thing about the Heat this year is that they appear to enjoy only losing in incredibly long streaks. It's only a matter of time before I find a fun way to gamble on this with friends.

-Even the Hawks, a team that has been surprisingly good this year, has lost two in a row and 6 of their last 10. -And here we thought we had something by pre-ordering 500 "SUPER Mario West" t-shirts. Damn fortune cookie, with it's "You Will Succeed With New Business Endeavors" lies!

Yes, we know this article is just yet another in a long line of "the Eastern Conference Sucks" posts on the internet, but it is still rare (and quite fun!) to see an entire division do the figurative "Biff Tannen from Back to the Future" and get horse manure dumped all over it.

If Washington wins tonight, I'll be sure to update this post to let you know which rock to find me under.

Finding The Truth Around The Trade Deadline

Every year is the same: the trade deadline winds up being a quagmire of lies, deception, and people yelling about Isiah Thomas helping other teams. This year, so far, seems to be no different (get on those phones, Isiah).

Thus, it is the duty of any self respecting journalist...and me too...to cut through the lies being thrown out there an have the truth shine through like the gold teeth on Flava Flav.

Here are some things I will put my stamp on as bonafide truths entering the "code red" time before the Feb 21 trade deadline. Please note that my stamp is worth approximately 1 cent and won't get any of your bulk mail across the country:

Truth #1: Sam Cassell won't be the latest old timer to hop on the Celtics Championship express.

This has less to do with the Celtics intolerance of alien-looking players and more to do with Sam Cassell putting the ki-bosh on Rajon Rondo's head.

Truth #2: Vince Carter's value right now is lower than...yes, no metaphor can even describe it anymore.

Recently I reported that Nets president Rod Thorn said Shaq was nearly useless in his opinion. Since then a source close to the process claimed that the Nets quietly tried to trade Vince Carter for Shaq. They both play about 1 good game a week, so I guess this would be fair. Still, for shame, Rod.

Truth #3: The Denver Nuggets are less concerned with winning and more interested in making their team an experiment to see whether enough crazy personalities will cause the team to spontaneously combust.

You'd think a team with George Karl, Allen "Talkin' Bout PRACTICE" Iverson, JR Smith, and Kenyon Martin would have enough fireworks to keep management on their toes. Word from Ron Artest's agent is that Denver really wants him, but Sacramento would likely not make the deal. For extra thrills, Denver management would like you to push them down a flight of stairs in a shopping cart.

Truth #4: Due to his lack of interest in playing and his knee injury, Jermaine O'Neal's stock is currently lower than dirt.

On a related note the Nets are looking to trade Vince Carter for him! I kid you not. Oh yeah, and Isiah Thomas now wants him more than ever. Can't I get any games here in New York other than Knicks and Nets games? Sigh.

Truth #5: In this trade-heavy world, no one will make you feel buyer's remorse like Wally's World.

The guy who seems to have the most horrible decision making skills in the NBA (on the court), and was part of the Ray Allen deal, called a timeout that the Sonics didn't have last night, essentially costing them the game against Phoenix. Meanwhile, somewhere KG just smiled, feeling free as a bird. Life without Wally will do that for you.

More trade deadline fun as the expiration date approaches!

My Brush With Death: Lakers v. Magic

There's your proof folks, J.J. Redick played Association Basketball tonight. However, the Wrath of J.J. was not enough, and the Magic fell to the Lakers, 117-113. J.J. was nothing short of Redickulous, finishing with with 2 points on 2-2 free throws, no field goals in 3 attempts, and 1 rebound in his 7 minutes of play. And you wonder why you haven't seen him all year! Although he did do something awesome, sharing a double technical foul with Sasha Vujacic, in a squabble that would've been the most fantastic fight ever. Orlando set a team record with their most points ever in a quarter with 44, in an action packed first quarter that saw them go 7 of 9 from three point range. It was all for naught though, as Dwight Howard and Hedo Turkoglu eventually got in foul trouble, and Kobe was Kobe scoring 36 points, grabbing 10 rebounds, and dishing out 6 assists in a great showing that also saw Pau Gasol finishing with 30 points and 9 boards.

This wasn't the real story though folks, oh no. I'm a heckler. I have been told that I'm quite good at it, so I guess it's sort of a passion of mine. However, I'm not an ass, I don't usually curse (too much), especially when there's kids around, and I don't take ANYTHING personally, just like the players don't or shouldn't. I was ready to boo and heckle the various objects of my affection; Vladimir Radmanovic, Sasha Vujacic, and just to prove that I'm not a racist and I don't only hate Slavic people, Luke Walton. ESPECIALLY Luke Walton, I hate that tool. Saying that, know that I don't have a problem with Kobe Bryant. I actually like Kobe Bryant, he's one of my favorite players to watch. He's a special player; we all know that, and I respect the hell out of him.

Because of that, I don't heckle Kobe Bryant. Maybe I've given him a raz here or there, saying that he doesn't deserve Vanessa and she should come home with me, but that's because it's true, not because I don't like him. One thing about Kobe that's different from any NBA player I've ever seen is his fan base. They are rabid for him. They live and die by him. They support him through anything, and they never root against him. They are slaves to him, contractors working on his Death Star. I should've thought of this before I made a mistake, I decided to heckle him.

This dude behind us was the quintessential Kobe fan. He was hilarious through the first few quarters, chanting MVP when Kobe got to the line or made a play, and he sounded very large. Now I had been on fire all game, professing how I trusted my life to Keith Bogans, calling Hedo an All-Star, and yelling "you're so wack" at Luke Walton. We were behind about midway through the 4th, and Kobe got to the line, so I threw out a "Remember Colorado!" blast, and Bernie Mac behind us went bananas. Kobe of course made the shot because he shoots 84% from the line, and homeboy shouts,

"That Colorado sh** don't phase him, HE BEAT THAT CHARGE!"

Now my good friend Magic Man and I found this hilarious, because we know he beat the charge; he was on the court playing wasn't he? Apparently I thought it was 2003, because he still kept yelling about how Colorado was "old news" and "he beat that charge". He wasn't going to let me say something like that about "his boy". So the game then got more out of hand, and he kept yelling about this being "how the West was won" and how Kobe was "sending us home". Then when people started filing out of the arena, he asks why everyone's leaving cause the game's not over.

We were tempted to turn around and shake the guy's hand and congratulate him on the victory, but with the way the guy caught feelings over my heckle, you would think he was Jellybean Bryant himself. So we didn't, and we just left, lucky to be alive because he sounded like he was going to KILL me. So let this be a lesson folks, Kobe fans catch feelings over basketball. 24 is life, DO NOT heckle him. Oh and one more thing, Jonathan Silverman was at the game. We tried to start a Weekend At Bernie's chant, unfortunately to no avail. If any of you ever meet Jonathan Silverman, please apologize to him on my behalf; I should've done more.

The Best Team Website I've Seen So Far

If you were wondering what was going through Steve Kerr's head when he traded Marion for Shaq, we now have the answer: Pepperoni.

-At least that's what appears to be at the forefront of his mind in the spellbindingly bizarre Virtual Phoenix Locker Room online, easily my favorite whacked out basketball website this year.  Kerr starts the intro to the site (at least when I clicked on it) talking emphatically into a phone about how he needs to make a move that's in the best interest of the team.  Quickly he reveals he's talking about what type of pizza to order, and from there it just gets weirder.

There is a security gorilla guarding the door, Leandro Barbosa waxes poetic with daily affirmations, and Steve Nash talks in length about Dirk Nowitzki.  If you ever had the urge to see Steve Kerr yell at the mascot that the locker room is for players only, you are in luck. 

By far my favorite part is when you go into the virtual office of Mike D'Antoni, who looks like he was practically tied to his chair and forced to say his lines by Suns management.  Here are two gems, straight from D'Antoni's mouth:

"What's a five letter word for exit? Leave!  No, I'M SERIOUS! LEAVE!"

and

"You know the difference between you and me? That's right - moustache."

-And as a bonus, for absolutely no reason at all, the tv in D'Antoni's room is constantly tuned to Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.

Simply wonderful.  I urge you to check out this site as soon as possible, dear reader.

Suns, you may have made one of the more boneheaded trades of the season, but I'll be damned if I don't like the work you're doing on the web.

Please Don't Fake the Funk on a Nasty Dunk, I Don't Think My Heart Can Take It.

Yay dunk contest! It's this thing that happens during all-star weekend that used to be awesome, and is now just alright, but we still watch it because we replay J.R. Rider (yeah I called him J.R.) doing the East Bay Funk in our heads over and over ad nauseum, praying that someone will do something sweet and not wack or boring. Participating in the contest are the incumbent Gerald Green, Rudy Gay, Dwight Howard (Jesus Christ), and Jamario Moon, the lone rookie in the event.

Rudy Gay's been coming strong with his campaign; he's been all over YouTube having fans post suggestions for his dunks, and there's a bunch of them out there. Some are trash, some are GREAT, but we've seen a lot of acrobatics from him, and he has managed to make Luis Scola look less sexy, which is hardly a simple feat.

Dwight's been pretty quiet; he claims he's got some "tricks up his sleeve" and he did make a surprisingly unfunny campaign video, but we saw the highly underrated sticker dunk, we saw the kiss the rim dunk in practice, so we know what he's capable of, and there's been speculation about him raising the freaking hoop to dunk on a 12 footer (the NBA wouldn't let him last year).

Jamario Moon's sort of the wild card in this since he's the only rookie, but people are abuzz about him, and many have picked him to win. He's got a very natural, effortless looking flight, and his campaign video is my favorite out of all of them. Plus he was a freaking Globetrotter, and those dudes dunk terduckens while jumping over hookers snorting coke off of Meadowlark Lemon's chest; they're ready for anything.

Lastly but certainly not least, returning champ Gerald Green, is ready to make people remember why he won it last year. He's even responded to Rudy Gay's request for dunk ideas with a sick one of his own. I like Gerald Green because he's been pretty much invisible (12 mins a game?!) all year, and so far I haven't heard anyone say they think he'll win, even though he's the champ. Usually guys hear things like that and get mad and do crazy things, not Rae Carruth crazy, but crazy enough to win.

What's pretty fresh about this year is that in the Final Round, the fans will be able to vote on each finalist's 2 dunks, and that score will be combined with the judges' votes to determine the winner. Usually I'm against fans voting for anything, but in this case it's ok; dunks are pretty universal and people will vote for who they like. Right now, there's not a clear favorite to me, you have Rudy Gay, the cocky jock who doesn't even have to think up his own dunks, Dwight Howard, the clean cut straight man who will be victorious when the crowd starts playing little hand drums in rhythm, Jamario Moon, the mysterious bad boy with an attitude and a cold stare, and Gerald Green, the former champion that knows it's still his game to win, but can't stop grasping at the past. Oh my God do you see what I just did there? Somebody get John Hughes on the phone right now, It's a hit!

So who wins it? I personally like Dwight Howard, because it's hard to vote against the Messiah, but I digress. Now you can all thank me for forcing you to do YouTube searches for Harold Miner dunks!

I Think There's Strip Clubs In Atlanta

Remember how the Hawks and Heat were supposed to replay the last 50+ seconds of their Dec. 19th game due to Shaq getting DQ'd prematurely? So what the heck is supposed to happen now that Shaq doesn't play for the Heat anymore? Does Shawn Marion get to play? Will that even matter? Probably not, but there are those famous Hotlanta strip clubs. Traveling to Atlanta would be worth it for any other team besides the Heat since Miami players can just sit on the beach and get better entertainment for free.

Your Move, Dallas

With the Lakers stealing Gasol, the Suns getting the broken-down jalopy known as Shaq, and the Spurs getting...well, no one, but they're the SPURS...today NBA fans shifted their collective eyes to the Dallas Mavericks and wondered what the notoriously soft franchise would do to stay in the hunt. I still think Mark Cuban mowing down the other teams' best players with a machine gun like the end of Scarface is an option, but I appear to be alone on this one.

It was not too long ago that we were all discussing the inevitable trade that would send Kidd to the Mavs, a bunch of talented bench players to the Nets, and the cosby kid known as Devin Harris to the Blazers, but I haven't heard about that trade for a while which means the deal probably got more complicated. How could it NOT get more complicated? With the Suns and Lakers making such big deals, you know the Nets and Blazers (along with everyone in America) sensed the Mavs desperation. When trade partners sense desperation, they ask for more in compensation, and when that happens people start giving the finger and mooning each other angrily and it all goes to hell. I have had games of Uno end this way.

So what do the Mavs do now?

To the Mavericks I say take please page out of Frankie Goes To Hollywood and RELAX. While the media is going crazy over these acquisitions, take a moment to actually look at what you have around you: Your team is doing quite well this season. You have two promising stars that are getting better every year in Josh Howard and Devin Harris. If choker Peyton Manning and borderline special-ed Eli Manning can each win a championship, then Dirk can too.

"But what of the other teams?! What of their moves?!" you ask, slowly before I smile and pee on your shoes. To this I also say RELAX.

While Pau Gasol was a completely amazing bit of thievery even the hamburgular was impressed with, the Lakers still have Andrew Bynum on the mend and need everyone else to step up a bit who isn't named Kobe. I call them the Celtics West in that they need the other players around them to prove their worth before I can consider them even a "team" let alone one who can beat other good "teams" in the playoffs like the Spurs and Pistons. Out of all of their players, I consider Lamar Odom the real wild card as to whether this team has enough punch to be a potential dynasty or yet another pretender.

As for the Suns, the Shaq move could turn out well for them...but more likely than not we will see fat kids from Shaq's Big Challenge crying on the sidelines when the big guy sits out his 12th straight game. Even Nets President Rod Thorn doesn't think Shaq is any good and his team is making 8-game losing streaks and bad signings (Hey, resigning Vince Carter is a graaaaand idea!) look easy! To quote Thorn:

"What was Shaq going to do for us? Absolutely nothing."

And for the Spurs, I see this as the year they finally begin to show their age in the playoffs and fail to win the title. Yes, people have been saying that for a while, but I have been keeping hope alive with that team and am finally at the point where I can logically say, "I think the decline will begin now." Yes, I am actually declaring firmly that the Spurs will not win this season. It was, after all, about 80 years ago that Brent Barry was in that slam dunk competition. If you don't remember what I'm talking about, ask your grandparents about it.

Knowing the morons running a lot of these franchises, the Mavs will probably wind up pulling the trigger on a bad deal which involves their young stars instead of finding a way to get Eric Dampier the hell out of there. Still, if they don't do anything I don't mind saying that I feel they have a fighting chance. -After all, I DID predict they'd win it all this year over Detroit.

Still, just to be safe, keep any and all firearms away from Mark Cuban.

Big Trade Commentary Part III (Last One, We Promise)

I just HAD to chime in on this one.

Man, I had just said earlier this past week that the 2007-08 season is "The Year of You have got to be KIDDING me! Trades" . Now this happens. Let's recap what kind of a world we live in:

-Shawn Marion traded for the hollow husk that used to be Shaq?

-Pau Gasol traded for Kwame Brown. THE Kwame Brown?

-Kevin Garnett traded for Al Jefferson and a pile of dog excrement?

-Jason Richardson traded for Brandan Wright, an unproven rook (who isn't doing squat)?

-Ray Allen traded for Wally's World, Delonte West, and a pile of magic beans?

It would be one thing if these deals looked bad in hindsight, but all of them looked horribly bad right from the get go. I have officially lost any sympathy for the Grizzlies, Timberwolves, Warriors, and Sonics for at least the next 5 years. We can now add the Suns to that list.

The Marion-Shaq trade, or "Shaq-gate" as I will heretofore refer to it, completely blew me away when I heard about it at work today. In fact, here is the conversation I had with the coworker who told me verbatim:

Coworker: "Hey did you hear about the big trade in the NBA today?"

Me: "No, what happened?"

Coworker: "Shawn Marion got traded."

Me: "WHOA! For who?"

Coworker: "Shaq."

(Silence)

Me: "Haha, very funny."
Coworker: "No man, I'm serious. Check it out. It's everywhere online."

Me: "Weird. Well, I guess Phoenix must be getting a bundle in return. Who else are the Suns getting?"

Coworker: "No one. It was Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks for Shaq."

(Silence)

Me: "-But...but...Phoenix does a run-and-gun style! This makes no sense!

Coworker: "I know".

Me: "And Shaq is useless at this point anyway! Shawn Marion is one of the best players in the league!"

Coworker: "I know".

Me: "Damn, what a weird year. I'm off to lunch. Call me if the Suns trade Steve Nash for a box of Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets."

Talking to others it appears there was a similar reaction across America to this trade. Flabbergasted people were mumbling things like, "Well, now I guess Amare gets to play power forward, which is his natural position". Sorry, but even this line of reasoning doesn't make much sense. Shaq basically plays as frequently as a solar eclipse.

I have to step back for a moment and congratulate the down-and-out Miami Heat for somehow getting someone to take one of their most overpaid, overweight, and old players (it was tough to type that as I love Shaq) in exchange for Marion. I went back and forth on how they managed to do it. Did they send a cardboard cutout of 1997-era Shaq? Did Steve Nash temporarily lose his short-term memory and demand this trade happen? Does Isiah Thomas in any way have a hand in Suns team decisions?!?!?!

Nah, in the end I think it boils down to one thing: Rookie mistake by Steve Kerr, who seems to have flown too close to the Sun employment-wise. With Kerr's two big moves so far being the acquisitions of Grant Hill and Shaq, he seems to only want players that were stars in the league back when he played.

-You know what that means...Shawn Kemp to the Suns! Man, I can only hope.

Miami To Be Saddled With Marcus Banks, Part II

Continuing the Miami-Phoenix trade coverage, in my opinion this move by Phoenix smells like desperation. The Suns have been neglecting their budget and have ignoring to build through the draft, which makes their ever-present future bleaker by the year. By taking on the 35-year-old's massive contact, they're making a statement that they have no choice but to win now before the LA combo of Kobe, Pau, Bynum, and Odom reigns supreme.

Shaq doesn't exactly seem like a perfect fit for the "7 seconds or less" system Phoenix has been running since Mike D'Antoni arrived. Although his size will finally put Amare Stoudamire back into his natural position at power forward, Shaq may get in the way of the relentless Nash-Amare pick and rolls the Suns run. On the plus side, Phoenix's ability to stretch you out with their long range shooters will give Shaq more room to operate in the paint than he has this year in Miami.

What I hope is not overshadowed is that Shawn Marion will finally be getting his wish to leave Phoenix. Despite the personal and team successes Marion's been a part of, he's often demanded to be traded, making him become the Manny Ramirez of the NBA. If you've read Jack McCallum's book on the Suns, you'd have a better insight as to why Marion felt so under-appreciated. It's going to be quite interesting to see how well Phoenix does without his defense around. Often times, Marion was exhausted from being undersized against his match-ups, but even more so from having to erase Amare's boneheaded mistakes with terrific help defense.

Lastly, Marcus Banks blows big fat donkey dick.

Common sense is telling me that although this will cause a lot of ruckus, Phoenix will still fail to win the desired championship. Plenty will have to go right for them, including having a healthy O'Neal come playoff time. Does this help Miami either? Not really, but I bet they'll win a few more games.

BREAKING NEWS: Let's Make a DEAL! I'll Take the Aging Big Man and the Retarded Contract Behind Door Number 2 Monty

Let me start by saying I never thought I'd say this deal's getting done, but this deal's getting done. All preliminary reports say that Shaquille O'Neal is going to be moved to the Phoenix Suns for Shawn Marion and a horribly expensive contract point guard Marcus Banks.

This deal looks sort of crazy on paper, but let's delve a bit deeper. We know why it makes sense for Miami, they get The Matrix, and they get to move Shaq's contract so they can still make their prophesied "splash" this summer, due to Jason Williams' $8 million and Ricky Davis' (Andre 3000) $6 million coming off the books; and with the record they'll finish with this year, their upcoming draft should go pretty well too. Phoenix on the other hand, gets to move Banks' and Marion's contracts, which is a blessing for them, but they get to pick up Shaq's ($40 million over 2 years left), which doesn't fix their luxury tax issues, and Banks is a point guard, already a position that the Suns are light on. So what good does this trade do Phoenix?

One thing it does is lets Amare Stoudemire go to the power forward position, which is his natural position, and which is GREAT for him in the West because teams will have match-up nightmares against him. Think of when they play against their rival San Antonio Spurs, and Popovich has to decide which guy Duncan guards, and who ever Big Fundamental's not on will get to take advantage of Fabricio Oberto (LL Cool Fab) and Fransisco Elson. Stoudemire's a bruiser that can dominate inside, yet his finesse, quickness, and athleticism is something the majority of Western big men have trouble defending. That in and of itself makes the deal pretty sexy.

Plus when Nash leaves, Amare is the leader whether anyone likes it or not, and Kazaam's not a bad guy to learn about being "the man" from. They also like the idea of Boris Diaw being Shawn Marion Lite at small forward, which he can do with his size, shot, and athleticism, and really, Marion was bringing the team down with his "I'm the Matrix when I want to be attitude" and his whining about playing second and sometimes third fiddle to Nash and Stoudemire (for more information on this, check out Jack McCallum's fantastic book Seven Seconds or Less: My Season on the Bench with the Runnin' and Gunnin' Phoenix Suns).

Overall, I like the deal. Miami probably won't be able to keep Marion due to his opt-out clause, but playing with Dwayne Wade changes people. Marion may become a vegetarian and start going to Pilates, or maybe even beat Dragonforce on Expert (the child in that video is not a real person, I'm convinced). So for all we know, he may want to stay there, and that could make Miami dangerous. Shaq may be a bit of a paper tiger, but he's still a low post threat which can draw double teams, and Nash can completely exploit that. Hopefully, this can be the blossoming of Boris Diaw that we've all been waiting for, and maybe Amare will grow up a bit and take it to that next level going from high quality big man to elite big man, because he's really really close and this might be exactly what he needs.

I Thank The NBA For A Fantastic Slogan

When I found out that the NBA's slogan for this season would be "Where Amazing Happens", I chuckled at how similar it sounded in tone to one of my favorite ridiculous slogans from last year: "The New York Knicks: Experience The Unbelieveable".

Now that we are about halfway through the season, I can now sit back and say that the slogan was a raging success. -Not for the NBA, per se, but for people like me who like something they can mercilessly make fun of and not get bored.

Whenever someone does a take off of this slogan, I can't help but giggle. It is just rife with possibilities.

Take this image, for example. A fan saw a harmless press image of Orlando Magic mascot "Stuff the Magic Dragon" traveling with the Magic Dancers on the NBA website. One simple line of text and the world is a better place:

Then there are the tons and tons of video spoofs. One thing I have noticed is that as silly as many of these video spoofs are, they do succeed in actually highlighting many of the things that NBA fans like myself love. I see these spoofs and I say, "Hey...I DO like when Vince Carter's inevitable 'taking games off' period happens!" I don't actually say this to my computer, but rather just nod along and then eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. I mean, who DOESN'T like when things like Scot Pollard and accidental Karl Malone cheap shots happen?:

In keeping with my love of how crappy NBA Live is, I have to post this:

I won't go and post the hundreds of other "Where __ Happens" spoofs out there (well, maybe this beer pong one), but I do strongly suggest you go to youtube and check some of them out when you get a chance. My one warning: put your speakers on mute , because after a while that song will REALLY burrow into your brain. I was humming it to myself while I took the garbage out earlier tonight and it made the process one of the most dramatic moments of my life. A banana peel fell out of the garbage bag and I almost burst into tears at the beauty of it.

So What Do Those Boasting Patriots Fans Do Now? Ohhh, Right.

As I look out at the South Street Seaport in Manhattan at the hundreds of smiling Giants fans, fresh from viewing their team in a victory parade, one question springs to mind:

If there are this many happy Giants fans, what are the angry Patriots fans doing with their time and colonial-era aggression?

The answer hit me like a ton of bricks (I've always wanted to use this expression more as it is the best part of film noir movies): The Patriots need another cause to hop onto and QUICK because their gloating has left them with a hole in their egos that even 8 kegs of Samuel Adams can't fix.  What we will likely see is a mass migration of Patriots fans onto the Celtics bandwagon.

This might not sound like news because a lot of Patriots fans are already Celtics fans, but this year the Boston faithful has been kinda quiet about their favorite St. Patrick-inspired team.  It hasn't been completely awful to be around a Celtics fan in the same way it has been awful to be around a Patriots fan.  Well, you can toss that out of the window now that the NBA season is in full swing and the Celtics still hold the best record.  You can practically see people slapping copies of the Boston Herald, with headlines like "NBA'S BEST!" written on them, against window glasses with loud boasts of, "How do you like THEM apples?!"

There is nothing I can do to prevent this, but all I can do is mentally prepare the rest of America for the Celtics to go from somewhat likable worst-to-first squad to completely insufferable.  Anyone who was yelling in your ear, "The Pats ah goin' to be wicked un-da-FEET-ed!" and got a slice of humble pie will soon be yelling, "Who is tha best team in the N-Bee-AY?  My Celts, that's who! BIG BAY-BEE! BIG BAY-BEE!"  I fully expect each and every one of these people to also morph into that frat guy with his hands on his head during the NBA draft.

To take a deep breath, sports fans, because all of that fuel and fire behind the Patriots fan base has to go somewhere, and we all know the green location it is going to go in.  Sigh.

Kidd: Hello??? Wrong Guy Assholes!

The master plan of the New Jersey Nets to turn Jason Kidd into Britney Spears' crazy ass has reached Stage 3: Code Name Blubber with the trade of the worthless Jason Collins to the equally worthless Stromile Swift.

What other reason would there be to make this trade a top priority? It is not as if Collins was demanding a greater role in the NJ offense or Stromile is going to bring the Nets back to the championship with the same stellar play that's gotten him relegated to the end of the Memphis Grizzlies bench.

Actually there is one more possible reason: reality TV.

That's right, Jason Kidd is completely unaware that he is the latest contestant on a Truman Show-esque television program where the strength of the human psyche is put to the test by an unstoppable wave of stupid shit. I'm pretty sure that when Kidd awoke this morning, Darrell Armstrong was next to him, the salt and sugar were in opposite jars and Marv Albert was in his living room watching porn and calling him 'roomie." No matter how many triple-doubles and circus shots Kidd racks up this season, he still can't escape the fact that Antoine Wright has stuffed sardines and cat food into the inside of his walls.

What other hoops must Kidd jump through to get traded?


Human Tetris?


Stand Up To Komodo Dragons?


Get A Beat Down With A Fan?

By far this is the most underrated reality show out there after Paradise Hotel 2! Ready those DVRs boys.

Everyone's Got A Case Of The "Trade Me"s

Normally it's the TEAMS testing the trade waters with their players.

-Not so much anymore. Once the pinhole appeared in the dam with Fohawk model JJ Redick's agent making his urge to be traded public, it was only a matter of time before the rest of the dam broke.

Today there was a veritable cornucopia of players telling their teams to trade them.

Jerome James wants a change of scenery. Apparently that team isn't even good enough for a guy named "Big Snacks". How can you not forsee good things for a player once described as "the worst free-agent signing of the summer (and in the pantheon of all-time worst)"?

Jamal Crawford looks like he's "pulling a Jason Kidd", as those close to him are telling the world he wants a trade (including friend and writer Percy Allen), all while Jamal shrugs and says, "Who...me?" with an innocent smile. This does not bode well for Isiah Thomas' plans for the future. Someone's gotta breathe that depleted ozone air!

Devean George wants a trade too. He was that guy who used to be on the Lakers back when they were serious title contenders, remember? No, not that guy, the other guy. You know, on the bench? No, not Mark Madsen. He was sorta chubby and came in about 5 minutes a night for mop up duty? Not ringing any bells? Ah, forget it.

Gerald Green wants a trade. What I find to be the most interesting part of this story is that I read about Green wanting out of Minnesota on 5 different sites, and all referred to him as "Leaper Gerald Green". I guess he has been relegated to "that guy who was in the dunk contest" status, along with Nate Robinson and Brent Barry (Josh Smith only recently escaped, now a fantasy god). I'd hate this if I were Green, as it really is only a small typo from being "Leper Gerald Green".

Overall, if these guys are looking for sympathy they are looking at the wrong guy. I feel like getting a trade demand to go anywhere in the NBA requires some madcap antics, and they have not been going this route yet. Get caught with a prostitute, I say! Go tell the team owner that he smells like the clearance section of Dress Barn! Better yet, I have the perfect idea:

Oh wait...it appears someone already did it. Everyone run! Apparently Rasheed's going to demand a trade!

Basketball Aside For A Second: Congrats New York Giants!

Holy COW!

As I'm sure you already know, the Giants defeated the Pats 17-14 in the Super Bowl in one of the craziest, zaniest, Eli-Manning-est games ever. I watched the game with a bunch of Giants fans in New York City and it was nothing short of spectacular. After the G-Men officially won, we all went out onto my apartment terrace to see hundreds of people yelling in happiness and some even shooting fireworks out of their apartments. It was pandemonium. The closest thing I could compare it to is a big city version of that dance the natives do to attract the attention of King Kong.

A huge congrats to the New York Giants and their fans. An "Awwwwww...that suuuucks" with a grin to Tom Brady and Pats fans looking for their 4th Super Bowl and pursuit of an undefeated season. It looks like my Miami Dolphins still have to carry the weight of being the NFL's only undefeated season. Shucks!

With David beating Goliath tonight, we come to a wonderful end to a great NFL season. With this game concluded, America officially turns its collective sports-viewing attention to the NBA and we couldn't be happier. Somewhere David Stern just put on his superhero outfit.

Yao Ming: A Wolf In "Nice Guy" Clothing

Due to the media's portrayal of him, I have always seen Yao Ming as a harmless, boring, straight-and-narrow guy. -The kind of guy who you would talk to and later say, "That is a very, very nice gentleman. I wonder if he's ever actually been laid".

You watch a clip like the one below, with him saying in a sweet voice that he enjoys trash talking on the court, and you imagine his "trash talking" as him telling other players that their "hair smells like gumdrops" or something.



Well, I did a little searching, and wouldn't ya know it...Yao is a badass.

Namely, the guy is a trash-talking cesspool of cursewords on the court. The stuff that will fly out of Yao's mouth will haunt you until the day you die (and then maybe a little after should your head be cryogenically frozen).

Let's shatter your vision of "angelic" Yao with one simple word:



Next, a prime example of Yao mentally breaking his foes with the most subtle and polite of Chinese proverbs: "You try to fucking stop me!"



Anger Yao, and sometimes he will curse at you telepathically:



REALLY anger Yao? You get TOSSED, hombre:



Goodness gracious. I'll take Gary Payton's intimidation tactics over getting cursed at and thrown to the ground any day of the week. With these clips, Yao may no longer be the posterchild for the nice NBA athlete on little kids' lunchboxes, but I'll be damned if I don't respect that man ten times more than I did before.

Breaking News: Gasol To The Lakers? I Want Whatever Witchcraft The Celtics And Lakers Possess

The 2007-08 season is hereby christened "The Year of You have got to be KIDDING me! Trades".

Kwame Brown and Javaris Crittenton for Pau Gasol?!

Yes, in case you are just learning about it here, you are reading that right. The Lakers have acquired one of the best big men in the league for two (likely very, very late) future first rounders, a decent young guy in Crittenton, and a steaming pile of MJ-drafted dog poo.

This is the Celtics-Timberwolves trade all over again...actually, no, it's worse: It's like the end of the fantasy football season when that one jackass in your league decides that he won't make the playoffs and he'll just start dropping all of his best players. Usually the commissioner of said fantasy football league gives him the finger and locks all of his transactions...but this is the NBA. If you are a big name franchise you will have these things bounce your way. It's only a matter of time before the Bulls miraculously acquire Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh, and Gilbert Arenas for the rights to Joakim Noah's jockstrap.

Popular sports site RealGM grades the trade as an A- for the Lakers, and somehow actually gives the Grizzlies a B+ for getting an expiring contract.

I don't know...that sounds a bit off. Let's ask a normal joe what he thinks. What does friend of the site Rantin' John think of the trade, you ask?

What the f***? Kwame f***ing Brown for Pau Gasol?!?!? This is the second dubious "GM sends lopsided trade to former team" deal this year. Jerry West & Kevin McHale...rats. I think the door just slammed shut on Phoenix FOREVER. This is the Laker starting lineup: Derek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, Lamar Odom, Pau Gasol & Andrew Bynum...blech. I foresee 3 years of Lakers vs Celtics finals, meanwhile (as a Nets fan) I'll have to sit through Josh Boone and Marcus Williams for the next decade. Time to start shooting up chlorox bleach.

Make no mistake about it, this is a dark day in the NBA. It looks like at least a guaranteed 15 game improvement in the W column this year and a potential dynasty for one team while Memphis loses its only remaining two or three fans. On top of that, welcome back smug, in-your-face, all over the news Phil Jackson...ugh. On top of THAT, the only personality more cocky in sports than Tom Brady at the moment is Kobe Bryant and we're going to now see him smiling all over the place.

R.I.P Kobe's "pouty face" (seen right), welcome back Kobe's "sh*t eating grin" face (seen here).

If Brady wins the Super Bowl on Sunday and Kobe wins the NBA championship, that's gotta be in revelations somewhere as "the coming of the beast" or something.

A while back THF writer Anubis Taylor flirted with having the Grizzlies be his favorite team until me and some other people talked him off of the figurative ledge. Thank goodness that happened, because when a team scraps what good it has and makes the rich in the league richer, it really pisses off their fans. Somewhere Bryant Reeves just punched out his parole officer in frustration.

Ah well, no sense in getting too worked up as it is Friday and life is good. Such is the nature of sports, ladies and gents.

I Know Why The Caged Birdman Sings

On Monday, the reinstatement application from Chris Andersen will be reviewed by the league office. Andersen has just completed a two-year banishment for testing positive for what the league calls a "drug of abuse" - a.k.a. meth, heroin, PCP, LSD, and/or coke. The paranoid Mel Gibson in me actually thinks that his suspension was for his horrific showing in the 2005 Dunk Contest, but nevertheless the "wheels are in motion" for The Birdman to return!

For those not familiar with Andersen, Birdman is an NBDL alum who soared his way into the hearts of fans in Denver and later New Orleans with his high flying act of dunks, blocks, rebounds and awe-inspiring hair. Think of a hyperkinetic, athletic and bat shit crazy Anderson Varejao.

Once he is reinstated, the Hornets will have first crack at giving him a contract that will run for the rest of the season. This actually makes sense for the team, since they lack front-court depth behind Tyson Chandler and David West. Since Shaq will be absent from this year's All-Star game in New Orleans, a great way to bring excitement and drama to the weekend will be if Andersen reintroduces himself to the basketball world by running out of the stands during the dunk contest and wins the competition by dunking the ball while snorting a line off the rim. That's good clean American fun the whole family will enjoy!

THE BIRDMAN COMETH

R.I.P. Shaq Shoe

The NBA All-Star reserves were announced today, which inevitably lead to numerous rants about who got snubbed and how "the NBA never gets it right." Some good points were made, like the exclusions of Baron Davis, Manu Ginobili, and Marcus Camby, but I'm certainly disapointed to not see one VERY important name on anyone's list: Shaquille O'Neal.

Shaq's sub-par performance this season certainly doesn't earn him a spot on this year's Eastern squad, which sadly likely spells the end of the...(sob)... Shaq Shoe.


What good is an All-Star Weekend without Shaq? He's brought spontaneous break dancing competitions, crazy suits, center-lead fast breaks, free-throw dunk attempts, synchronized player introductions and other such shenanigans that brings us back year after year and keeps us glued to the set in anticipation. Who do we turn to now for excitement? David West?

Considering that this year's All-Star Game is in New Orleans, I have been trying to guess what kind of shoe Shaq would debut. Would it mix Pat O'Briens hurricanes, strip off its top, toss beads, or projectile vomit? Damn you, Eastern Conference coaches! We'll never find out now!